Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

But Vivian, you have to come to dinner. I mean, you accepted the invitation

three weeks ago.

Look out with it, Vivian. Now, what have I done that's making you behave this

way? You've been avoiding me all week. You won't even talk to me on the phone.

And now you say you're not coming to dinner.

And Viv, I made our favorite.

Beef stroganoff.

Yeah. Like I always do, Vivian, because you love it. Because you always ask for

it.

What do you mean you're sick of it?

Listen, Vivian, your behavior... Vivian, don't hang up!

Well, at least I don't have to eat that damn beef stroganoff.

Maud! Oh, Walter. Heaven, you're home. I have a terrible problem. I have to talk

to you. Wait a minute, Mort. First, I have a problem. I have to talk to you.

Yeah, but mine is important.

So is mine. I've been thinking about it all the way home.

All right, I'll tell you what we'll do.

First, I'll tell you my problem. Then you tell me yours. Then we'll vote and

decide whose is the most important. And if you win, then you can tell me yours

first.

If that sounds fair, go ahead.

It's Vivian.

Walter, she's been avoiding me all week. She won't even talk to me on the phone,

and I don't know why.

Oh, that's terrible to think I was going to bother you with my problem.

What is your problem, honey?

Maude, with you and Vivian on the house? Oh, Walter, Walter.

Now, the most important thing to me is my husband. I mean, if you have an

important problem, I want to hear it.

Well, it's just one of those things that builds up inside of you and keeps

building and keeps building, and if you don't let it out, you explode.

You know what I mean? Of course, darling. What is it?

I don't want to have beef stroganoff again tonight.

Here I am talking about losing a friend of 30 years and all you can think about

is beige meat.

All right, Mort, I'm sorry.

What happened between you and Vivian? I told you, Walter, I don't know. I don't

know. I have been racking my brain all week trying to think of how I might have

offended her. You can't think of anything?

Certainly I can. I offend Vivian all the time.

Why don't we go next door right this minute and bring this all out in the

opening with Vivian?

Maude, she's your buddy. The two of you ought to be able to talk things out.

Well, it's worth a try, but, Walter, it's not going to be easy.

You know, when Vivian has something on her mind, sometimes she just won't even

talk about it. I remember once when we were in college, we went to this place

called the Paradise Ballroom, and they had marked the restrooms Adam and Eve,

you know?

Well, Vivian got sick to her stomach while she was out on the dance floor,

she didn't realize that Eve meant the ladies' room.

What happened?

She threw up in a tuba.

Well, here goes nothing.

It'll be all right, Maude. You'll see.

Just a minute, Arthur.

Yes,

let's go, Mort.

Walter, she's been behaving strangely all week. Now she shows up at the door

wearing nothing but saran wrap.

Maybe she's having an affair with the man from GLAAD.

Now listen, Walter, we may be dealing with a very unstable woman. I think we

should go in there and help.

Yeah, you're right.

Vivian? Vivian?

Vivian, darling, it's all right.

Walter and Maude.

Maude, don't come down here, please!

But Vivian... Vivian, we're your friends.

My God, she's drinking.

Maude.

Walter, I just... I feel so embarrassed. I feel so... Oh, Vivian.

So dirty, so icky, so yucky, so yuck.

Vivian. So creepy, so schlecky, so dorky, so black.

So grimy. Vivian!

Vivian, I want you to tell me the truth.

Have you turned into a closet drinker?

Oh, no.

No, Ma, no. It's just... that it's just that you rang the doorbell at exactly 5

.05.

Oh, well, for the past week, Arthur's been coming home at exactly 5 .05,

and he rings the doorbell, and I answer it in

different costumes.

We play a little game.

You know, like the cowboy in the schoolmarm.

What game is Saran Wrap?

Leftovers.

You see, Arthur pretends to be the man from Glad.

My God, I was right.

Ah, Vivian, come on, honey. There's no need to be embarrassed.

If you and Arthur want to play these little games, that's entirely up to you.

Oh. Oh, thank you, Maude.

You know, I've been avoiding you all week because I didn't think you'd

of why I'm doing this.

Vivian, whether or not I approve or disapprove is neither here nor there. I

mean, it's none of my business. Isn't that right, Walter?

Right, Maude. It's none of your business. Yes, it is.

Why are you doing this?

You'll get mad at me. No, I won't. You'll hit me.

So what?

For some reason, all the fun seemed to be going out of our marriage. We were

just becoming a couple of old fuddy -duddy.

And then I heard about feminine fulfillment.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Now, Vivian, Vivian, you didn't join.

What's feminine fulfillment?

An equal rights group?

It's exactly the opposite. It's like that group Total Woman, you know, that

the Miami Dolphins' wives belong to.

Feminine fulfillment tells you to be cute and frilly and perky and pamper

husband to just cater to his every whim.

Great! Don't they used to just call that being married?

That explains everything.

The martini pitcher waiting for him, his pipe and slippers next to his favorite

chair. What's this, Viv? Oh, no, don't touch that, please. That's Arthur's

evening paper.

His evening paper? It's all cut up. Well, I know. Oh, I know. I cut out all

articles that Arthur will want to read, and then I stack them up according to

their importance.

You know what's on top, Walter?

Snoopy.

I mean, isn't this absolutely ridiculous?

All right.

What a neat idea.

I think I'll get the door.

I want to tell you something, Maude. In the week that Arthur and I have been

doing this, I have felt more happiness and... Oh, Walter shouldn't get the

That's Arthur.

fulfillment, Arthur.

Oh, fine.

Arthur, you never mentioned it to me.

Well, why should I? It's personal. It's a private thing.

You see, Walter, even Arthur knows how demeaning feminine fulfillment is. He

ashamed to tell you. Oh, no, no, that's not it. I just didn't want to make old

Walter jealous.

The poor slob.

You wouldn't understand this, Marty. That's why we kept it to ourselves.

A little lower to the left, cutlet.

Right, sweetie.

Come on, Walter. Oh, listen, you know you two. We invited you to dinner

All right, you can't make it, but we really would like you to come tomorrow

night. Oh, well, we'd love to, but I'm sorry we can't make it then either.

But, honeysuckle, of course we can make it.

But, beetcakes.

Don't you remember tomorrow night is when we play the mongoose and the cobra?

We're going to accept the invitation. We can't let Martin Walter down, veal

chop.

Whatever you say, lamb loin.

No, that's great. Then we'll expect you tomorrow night at seven. Come on,

brisket face.

I'm just heart sick for Vivian.

Imagine a grown woman dressing up in those ridiculous costumes.

I mean, pampering her husband, just making her whole life revolve around

him happy. I ask you, Walter, can you think of anything more disgusting?

Yeah, lots of things.

Boy, I wish I was Arthur.

Nobody leaves this room.

Say that again, Walter. I dare you.

Maude, all I meant was that I can think of a lot of things more disgusting than

what Arthur and Vivian are doing. Walter, Vivian is my best friend for 30

Now, what she is doing is degrading and humiliating, and when I come back,

remind me where I was.

Yes? Excuse me, ma 'am, but have you taken unto yourself a savior?

Why, is there one missing?

Ma 'am, our religion wants people to be happy because they're alive. Now, we're

asking folks to wear this button.

It's free.

Say thank you if you're glad God made you.

That's very sweet. Thank you. Of course.

If you care to make a contribution, we'd appreciate it.

Well, I'll tell you, this is such a happy, upbeat message that I'd like to

you a donation. Let me write you a check. Ma 'am, we'd prefer cash.

Oh.

Here's five dollars, but tell me, why don't you take checks?

Oh, well, you see, we just formed a religion this afternoon.

Haven't come up with a name yet.

You haven't come...

How about the Church of the Good Losers?

Degrading, humiliating, and a disgrace to modern womanhood.

Maude, why don't you face the fact?

This feminine fulfillment works for some people. I knew it. I knew it. You want

us to do it. No, I don't. I know it's not for us. I mean, I'd never expect you

to be feminine.

Mr. Finley, are you saying that I am not feminine?

No, but you're very feminine. I just meant that you're not feminine in an

obvious sexy way.

I'm not sexy?

No, but I didn't mean that you're very sexy.

It's just that you're sexy in a way that wouldn't turn anybody on.

Oh, my God.

You live with a man. You cook his meals. You iron his shirt. You even pretend to

love his dumb little mustache.

You think you know him, but tonight I found out. I don't know that man.

Neither do I. What man are you talking about? You never iron my shirt.

Perfect. Perfect!

Two minutes with Arthur and Vivian, now he expects me to iron his shirts.

I know that you would never pamper me or iron my shirts or rub my feet. That's

right. I don't do shirts or feet.

Of course not. You're a big deal feminist.

I'm lucky if you're past assault.

You see?

You would like me to be like Vivian.

Admit it, Walter.

You'd give your right teeth to be the man from GLAAD.

All right, I'll admit it. I want to be pampered. I want to be taken care of.

As a matter of fact, every so often I... I would like my feet rubbed. What do

you think of that?

Walter, let me tell you a story.

Walter, one time, my second husband, Chester, went on a ski trip without me.

was furious, Walter. But then I got a call that he had had an accident on the

slopes.

When I got to the hospital, he was in traction.

I mean, it was terrible to see Walter, both legs in a cast, you know, to the

ankle.

He called me over to the bed, and he whispered, Maude, Maude, just rub my

feet. It'll make me feel so much better.

Yeah?

I didn't do it for him. Why should I do it for him?

All right, Maude, have it your way. You always do.

But I'm going somewhere where I can be pampered, somewhere where they love me,

somewhere where...

Good evening, Mike. Hello, Walter. Hi, Viv. Oh, I'm just so glad we could make

it tonight. So am I. And, honey, I really want to apologize for yesterday.

promise, tonight I will not say anything nasty or derogatory.

How do you like the way I look? Don't test me, Vivian.

like dessert.

Oh.

Maude, how's it going?

How is it going? What kind of a way is that to greet your wife?

Hey, come on, guy. We're equal partners, remember?

Arthur, you want to give me a hand? I'm fixing up some fancy drinks in the

kitchen. Right. Oh, maybe I should make the drinks.

No, no, pumpkin. You're confused.

Men make the drinks in public. Women only make drinks when there's nobody

around.

Oh, I've still got so much to learn about being a woman.

Vivian, level with me.

Are you happy?

Am I happy?

How can you ask if I'm happy? Of course I'm happy.

I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I'm happy, happy.

As long as you're happy.

Just terrible.

It's just work, work, work.

Making a different gourmet dinner every night.

And trying to dream up all those dumb costumes.

I mean, what the heck does a mongoose wear?

Vivian, why do you do it?

I'll tell you why.

When I first found out about feminine fulfillment, I read that book, The Total

Woman. Well, in it, she says that... Most men are on a 48 -hour cycle.

They have the need for... You know. Stop!

Every 48 hours. Did you know that? No, I had no idea.

Well, with this feminine fulfillment stuff, I've got Arthur on a 24 -hour

And, Lord?

Yes? It's nice.

I just wish I could cut out all the pampering and all that waiting. There

go, Vivian. I made you a brandy Alexander.

Oh, I adore brandy Alexander. No more. This is for you. A shot and a beer.

stand the heat. She should stay in the kitchen.

That does it. That does it! That does it! If he wants feminine fulfillment, he

is going to get feminine fulfillment.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to give Walter the surprise of his life.

Oh, boy, Arthur.

You lucky duck.

Yeah, it's going pretty well, Walter.

Every night when I get home, Vivian has my pipe and my slippers ready.

She has my martini all made.

She even rubbed my feet.

Oh, you lucky duck.

You ever -loving lucky duck.

Oh, yeah.

Ever -loving.

Always loving.

Constantly loving.

Arthur, what's the matter?

Eh, it's nothing.

Arthur, this is me you're talking to.

Well, doggone it, Walter. No system of marriage is perfect, you know.

What do you mean?

Well...

See, Vivian has become very romantic.

You know?

So romantic that... Well, let's just say I never get to watch Johnny Carson

anymore.

Never!

Arthur, I'm in awe.

See, Vivian doesn't seem to understand that most men are on a 48 -hour cycle.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Walter?

I think my cycle is 72 hours.

Arthur, I'm still in awe.

Too much romance can kill you.

Come on. A lot of the doctors down at the hospital are trying to get their

to cool it on this feminine fulfillment stout.

Come on. No, no, I mean if it keeps up this way, we're going to be dropping

flies.

Where's Maud?

Oh, she went into the den.

Well, custard cup, I have decided to join feminine fulfillment. And are you

for a treat? Maud, wait!

What is that, saran wrap?

That's right, bucket breath.

Maud, you can't... Will you excuse me?

Bunny teeth?

Why, Mr.

Greenblatt. Mrs. Finley, I just returned your lawnmower. Oh, thank you. Oh, Mr.

Greenblatt. Yes.

Thank you.

Mort!

Mort, are you crazy?

Mr. Greenblatt said thank you because he's glad...

I'm sorry.

I'm willing to forget all about feminine fulfillment. I'm sorry I ever brought

it up, but turtle toes.

All I want to do is give you the perfect marriage.

No way.

I'm not going to end up with Arthur's complaint.

Arthur, what did you say to him?

Vivian, I don't know how to tell you this, but I can't stand much more of

missing Johnny Carson.

you want me to quit feminine fulfillment?

Oh, no. No, I wouldn't do that, Buttercup. See, I love the pampering,

backscratching, your complete obedience, you know, all the good stuff.

You mean you think the pampering is the good stuff?

What about... I like to be pampered.

Well, of course you do. We all do.

That's what's wrong with feminine fulfillment. It's also one -sided.

I mean, wouldn't we all be happier if we took turns, you know, pampering each

other? I don't know.

Of course we would. That's the way the world works. You scratch my back, I

scratch yours.

Yeah, you rub my feet. I don't do feet.

What?

I said I'm sorry.

Oh, honey.

You've done nothing to be sorry for, but...

Don't you think we could all benefit from equal partnership?

I mean, think of all the new things we could learn.

Like what?

Well, like I just found out that I like a shot and a beer.

How about another one, bub?

Sure, guy.