All language subtitles for maude_s05e19_feminine_fulfillment

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

But Vivian, you have to come to dinner.
I mean, you accepted the invitation

three weeks ago.

Look out with it, Vivian. Now, what have
I done that's making you behave this

way? You've been avoiding me all week.
You won't even talk to me on the phone.

And now you say you're not coming to
dinner.

And Viv, I made our favorite.

Beef stroganoff.

Yeah. Like I always do, Vivian, because
you love it. Because you always ask for

it.

What do you mean you're sick of it?

Listen, Vivian, your behavior... Vivian,
don't hang up!

Well, at least I don't have to eat that
damn beef stroganoff.

Maud! Oh, Walter. Heaven, you're home. I
have a terrible problem. I have to talk

to you. Wait a minute, Mort. First, I
have a problem. I have to talk to you.

Yeah, but mine is important.

So is mine. I've been thinking about it
all the way home.

All right, I'll tell you what we'll do.

First, I'll tell you my problem. Then
you tell me yours. Then we'll vote and

decide whose is the most important. And
if you win, then you can tell me yours

first.

If that sounds fair, go ahead.

It's Vivian.

Walter, she's been avoiding me all week.
She won't even talk to me on the phone,

and I don't know why.

Oh, that's terrible to think I was going
to bother you with my problem.

What is your problem, honey?

Maude, with you and Vivian on the house?
Oh, Walter, Walter.

Now, the most important thing to me is
my husband. I mean, if you have an

important problem, I want to hear it.

Well, it's just one of those things that
builds up inside of you and keeps

building and keeps building, and if you
don't let it out, you explode.

You know what I mean? Of course,
darling. What is it?

I don't want to have beef stroganoff
again tonight.

Here I am talking about losing a friend
of 30 years and all you can think about

is beige meat.

All right, Mort, I'm sorry.

What happened between you and Vivian? I
told you, Walter, I don't know. I don't

know. I have been racking my brain all
week trying to think of how I might have

offended her. You can't think of
anything?

Certainly I can. I offend Vivian all the
time.

Why don't we go next door right this
minute and bring this all out in the

opening with Vivian?

Maude, she's your buddy. The two of you
ought to be able to talk things out.

Well, it's worth a try, but, Walter,
it's not going to be easy.

You know, when Vivian has something on
her mind, sometimes she just won't even

talk about it. I remember once when we
were in college, we went to this place

called the Paradise Ballroom, and they
had marked the restrooms Adam and Eve,

you know?

Well, Vivian got sick to her stomach
while she was out on the dance floor,

she didn't realize that Eve meant the
ladies' room.

What happened?

She threw up in a tuba.

Well, here goes nothing.

It'll be all right, Maude. You'll see.

Just a minute, Arthur.

Yes,

let's go, Mort.

Walter, she's been behaving strangely
all week. Now she shows up at the door

wearing nothing but saran wrap.

Maybe she's having an affair with the
man from GLAAD.

Now listen, Walter, we may be dealing
with a very unstable woman. I think we

should go in there and help.

Yeah, you're right.

Vivian? Vivian?

Vivian, darling, it's all right.

Walter and Maude.

Maude, don't come down here, please!

But Vivian... Vivian, we're your
friends.

My God, she's drinking.

Maude.

Walter, I just... I feel so embarrassed.
I feel so... Oh, Vivian.

So dirty, so icky, so yucky, so yuck.

Vivian. So creepy, so schlecky, so
dorky, so black.

So grimy. Vivian!

Vivian, I want you to tell me the truth.

Have you turned into a closet drinker?

Oh, no.

No, Ma, no. It's just... that it's just
that you rang the doorbell at exactly 5

.05.

Oh, well, for the past week, Arthur's
been coming home at exactly 5 .05,

and he rings the doorbell, and I answer
it in

different costumes.

We play a little game.

You know, like the cowboy in the
schoolmarm.

What game is Saran Wrap?

Leftovers.

You see, Arthur pretends to be the man
from Glad.

My God, I was right.

Ah, Vivian, come on, honey. There's no
need to be embarrassed.

If you and Arthur want to play these
little games, that's entirely up to you.

Oh. Oh, thank you, Maude.

You know, I've been avoiding you all
week because I didn't think you'd

of why I'm doing this.

Vivian, whether or not I approve or
disapprove is neither here nor there. I

mean, it's none of my business. Isn't
that right, Walter?

Right, Maude. It's none of your
business. Yes, it is.

Why are you doing this?

You'll get mad at me. No, I won't.
You'll hit me.

So what?

For some reason, all the fun seemed to
be going out of our marriage. We were

just becoming a couple of old fuddy
-duddy.

And then I heard about feminine
fulfillment.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Now, Vivian, Vivian, you
didn't join.

What's feminine fulfillment?

An equal rights group?

It's exactly the opposite. It's like
that group Total Woman, you know, that

the Miami Dolphins' wives belong to.

Feminine fulfillment tells you to be
cute and frilly and perky and pamper

husband to just cater to his every whim.

Great! Don't they used to just call that
being married?

That explains everything.

The martini pitcher waiting for him, his
pipe and slippers next to his favorite

chair. What's this, Viv? Oh, no, don't
touch that, please. That's Arthur's

evening paper.

His evening paper? It's all cut up.
Well, I know. Oh, I know. I cut out all

articles that Arthur will want to read,
and then I stack them up according to

their importance.

You know what's on top, Walter?

Snoopy.

I mean, isn't this absolutely
ridiculous?

All right.

What a neat idea.

I think I'll get the door.

I want to tell you something, Maude. In
the week that Arthur and I have been

doing this, I have felt more happiness
and... Oh, Walter shouldn't get the

That's Arthur.

fulfillment, Arthur.

Oh, fine.

Arthur, you never mentioned it to me.

Well, why should I? It's personal. It's
a private thing.

You see, Walter, even Arthur knows how
demeaning feminine fulfillment is. He

ashamed to tell you. Oh, no, no, that's
not it. I just didn't want to make old

Walter jealous.

The poor slob.

You wouldn't understand this, Marty.
That's why we kept it to ourselves.

A little lower to the left, cutlet.

Right, sweetie.

Come on, Walter. Oh, listen, you know
you two. We invited you to dinner

All right, you can't make it, but we
really would like you to come tomorrow

night. Oh, well, we'd love to, but I'm
sorry we can't make it then either.

But, honeysuckle, of course we can make
it.

But, beetcakes.

Don't you remember tomorrow night is
when we play the mongoose and the cobra?

We're going to accept the invitation. We
can't let Martin Walter down, veal

chop.

Whatever you say, lamb loin.

No, that's great. Then we'll expect you
tomorrow night at seven. Come on,

brisket face.

I'm just heart sick for Vivian.

Imagine a grown woman dressing up in
those ridiculous costumes.

I mean, pampering her husband, just
making her whole life revolve around

him happy. I ask you, Walter, can you
think of anything more disgusting?

Yeah, lots of things.

Boy, I wish I was Arthur.

Nobody leaves this room.

Say that again, Walter. I dare you.

Maude, all I meant was that I can think
of a lot of things more disgusting than

what Arthur and Vivian are doing.
Walter, Vivian is my best friend for 30

Now, what she is doing is degrading and
humiliating, and when I come back,

remind me where I was.

Yes? Excuse me, ma 'am, but have you
taken unto yourself a savior?

Why, is there one missing?

Ma 'am, our religion wants people to be
happy because they're alive. Now, we're

asking folks to wear this button.

It's free.

Say thank you if you're glad God made
you.

That's very sweet. Thank you. Of course.

If you care to make a contribution, we'd
appreciate it.

Well, I'll tell you, this is such a
happy, upbeat message that I'd like to

you a donation. Let me write you a
check. Ma 'am, we'd prefer cash.

Oh.

Here's five dollars, but tell me, why
don't you take checks?

Oh, well, you see, we just formed a
religion this afternoon.

Haven't come up with a name yet.

You haven't come...

How about the Church of the Good Losers?

Degrading, humiliating, and a disgrace
to modern womanhood.

Maude, why don't you face the fact?

This feminine fulfillment works for some
people. I knew it. I knew it. You want

us to do it. No, I don't. I know it's
not for us. I mean, I'd never expect you

to be feminine.

Mr. Finley, are you saying that I am not
feminine?

No, but you're very feminine. I just
meant that you're not feminine in an

obvious sexy way.

I'm not sexy?

No, but I didn't mean that you're very
sexy.

It's just that you're sexy in a way that
wouldn't turn anybody on.

Oh, my God.

You live with a man. You cook his meals.
You iron his shirt. You even pretend to

love his dumb little mustache.

You think you know him, but tonight I
found out. I don't know that man.

Neither do I. What man are you talking
about? You never iron my shirt.

Perfect. Perfect!

Two minutes with Arthur and Vivian, now
he expects me to iron his shirts.

I know that you would never pamper me or
iron my shirts or rub my feet. That's

right. I don't do shirts or feet.

Of course not. You're a big deal
feminist.

I'm lucky if you're past assault.

You see?

You would like me to be like Vivian.

Admit it, Walter.

You'd give your right teeth to be the
man from GLAAD.

All right, I'll admit it. I want to be
pampered. I want to be taken care of.

As a matter of fact, every so often I...
I would like my feet rubbed. What do

you think of that?

Walter, let me tell you a story.

Walter, one time, my second husband,
Chester, went on a ski trip without me.

was furious, Walter. But then I got a
call that he had had an accident on the

slopes.

When I got to the hospital, he was in
traction.

I mean, it was terrible to see Walter,
both legs in a cast, you know, to the

ankle.

He called me over to the bed, and he
whispered, Maude, Maude, just rub my

feet. It'll make me feel so much better.

Yeah?

I didn't do it for him. Why should I do
it for him?

All right, Maude, have it your way. You
always do.

But I'm going somewhere where I can be
pampered, somewhere where they love me,

somewhere where...

Good evening, Mike. Hello, Walter. Hi,
Viv. Oh, I'm just so glad we could make

it tonight. So am I. And, honey, I
really want to apologize for yesterday.

promise, tonight I will not say anything
nasty or derogatory.

How do you like the way I look? Don't
test me, Vivian.

like dessert.

Oh.

Maude, how's it going?

How is it going? What kind of a way is
that to greet your wife?

Hey, come on, guy. We're equal partners,
remember?

Arthur, you want to give me a hand? I'm
fixing up some fancy drinks in the

kitchen. Right. Oh, maybe I should make
the drinks.

No, no, pumpkin. You're confused.

Men make the drinks in public. Women
only make drinks when there's nobody

around.

Oh, I've still got so much to learn
about being a woman.

Vivian, level with me.

Are you happy?

Am I happy?

How can you ask if I'm happy? Of course
I'm happy.

I'm happier than I've ever been in my
life. I'm happy, happy.

As long as you're happy.

Just terrible.

It's just work, work, work.

Making a different gourmet dinner every
night.

And trying to dream up all those dumb
costumes.

I mean, what the heck does a mongoose
wear?

Vivian, why do you do it?

I'll tell you why.

When I first found out about feminine
fulfillment, I read that book, The Total

Woman. Well, in it, she says that...
Most men are on a 48 -hour cycle.

They have the need for... You know.
Stop!

Every 48 hours. Did you know that? No, I
had no idea.

Well, with this feminine fulfillment
stuff, I've got Arthur on a 24 -hour

And, Lord?

Yes? It's nice.

I just wish I could cut out all the
pampering and all that waiting. There

go, Vivian. I made you a brandy
Alexander.

Oh, I adore brandy Alexander. No more.
This is for you. A shot and a beer.

stand the heat. She should stay in the
kitchen.

That does it. That does it! That does
it! If he wants feminine fulfillment, he

is going to get feminine fulfillment.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to give Walter the surprise of
his life.

Oh, boy, Arthur.

You lucky duck.

Yeah, it's going pretty well, Walter.

Every night when I get home, Vivian has
my pipe and my slippers ready.

She has my martini all made.

She even rubbed my feet.

Oh, you lucky duck.

You ever -loving lucky duck.

Oh, yeah.

Ever -loving.

Always loving.

Constantly loving.

Arthur, what's the matter?

Eh, it's nothing.

Arthur, this is me you're talking to.

Well, doggone it, Walter. No system of
marriage is perfect, you know.

What do you mean?

Well...

See, Vivian has become very romantic.

You know?

So romantic that... Well, let's just say
I never get to watch Johnny Carson

anymore.

Never!

Arthur, I'm in awe.

See, Vivian doesn't seem to understand
that most men are on a 48 -hour cycle.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Walter?

I think my cycle is 72 hours.

Arthur, I'm still in awe.

Too much romance can kill you.

Come on. A lot of the doctors down at
the hospital are trying to get their

to cool it on this feminine fulfillment
stout.

Come on. No, no, I mean if it keeps up
this way, we're going to be dropping

flies.

Where's Maud?

Oh, she went into the den.

Well, custard cup, I have decided to
join feminine fulfillment. And are you

for a treat? Maud, wait!

What is that, saran wrap?

That's right, bucket breath.

Maud, you can't... Will you excuse me?

Bunny teeth?

Why, Mr.

Greenblatt. Mrs. Finley, I just returned
your lawnmower. Oh, thank you. Oh, Mr.

Greenblatt. Yes.

Thank you.

Mort!

Mort, are you crazy?

Mr. Greenblatt said thank you because
he's glad...

I'm sorry.

I'm willing to forget all about feminine
fulfillment. I'm sorry I ever brought

it up, but turtle toes.

All I want to do is give you the perfect
marriage.

No way.

I'm not going to end up with Arthur's
complaint.

Arthur, what did you say to him?

Vivian, I don't know how to tell you
this, but I can't stand much more of

missing Johnny Carson.

you want me to quit feminine
fulfillment?

Oh, no. No, I wouldn't do that,
Buttercup. See, I love the pampering,

backscratching, your complete obedience,
you know, all the good stuff.

You mean you think the pampering is the
good stuff?

What about... I like to be pampered.

Well, of course you do. We all do.

That's what's wrong with feminine
fulfillment. It's also one -sided.

I mean, wouldn't we all be happier if we
took turns, you know, pampering each

other? I don't know.

Of course we would. That's the way the
world works. You scratch my back, I

scratch yours.

Yeah, you rub my feet. I don't do feet.

What?

I said I'm sorry.

Oh, honey.

You've done nothing to be sorry for,
but...

Don't you think we could all benefit
from equal partnership?

I mean, think of all the new things we
could learn.

Like what?

Well, like I just found out that I like
a shot and a beer.

How about another one, bub?

Sure, guy.