Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

Then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Maud.

Maud.

Maud.

Come on, sweetheart. It's time to get up.

This is a big day. It's your birthday.

Today you're 51 years old, so come on, sweetheart.

Let's rise and shine.

Walter, why are you talking to my bedspread?

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

You know, Walter, I was just in the bathroom combing my hair, and there was

little, tiny little bird just chirping away right outside the window, and I

thought to myself,

Today, I am 51 years old.

I've been listening to little birdies chirp for over half a century, and, you

know, I couldn't help myself, Walter. I raised the window, and there was this

cute little bird. It couldn't have been five feet away, a little robin.

And you know what I said to that bird?

What? Go choke on a worm, you twerp!

I'm old, Walter.

I'm old.

Oh!

Oh, I'm old, Walter.

Old. Old. I'm old.

Come on, Walter. You're 51.

You've been depressed all week, and I think you're overreacting. That's what

people do, Walter. They overreact.

Happy birthday, Mother.

Oh, Carol.

Carol. You don't know how lucky you are.

I mean, I would kill for the chance to use my doll again.

something that'll cheer you up.

Come on, Mort. Smile.

Look at me. I'm 54 and I'm happy. That, my darling, is because you're dumb.

Ready, Walter?

All set.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Come on, Mort. Blow out the candles. Blow out the... Sergio Franke couldn't

out this one.

Come on, Ma. If you don't put him out, it's bad luck.

So much for bad luck.

Come on, Ma. That's the only chance we have for a little celebration.

Yeah. With you and Vivian flying up to Boston for your college class reunion.

You know, she's been like this all week. All of a sudden, she thinks she's old.

Where would she get an idea like that?

What makes her think 51 makes a difference?

You see that? When you're old, people talk about you as if you're not there.

I just brought you a little present, but I want you to undo it before we go to

our class reunion.

Is this sweet, Walter? Look what Vivian brought me for my birthday.

Our morning paper.

No!

That's not today's paper, silly.

This is the New York Times, Maude, from the day you were born. Oh, isn't that

nice? Look!

Look at it! Look here, look.

Calvin Coolidge was president.

Ed, look, Rudyard Kipling has written new books.

New books? Look here, sirloin steak, 12 cents a pound.

Know that this is over half a century old.

And this is an antique.

Just look at it. It's all yellow and cracked.

I know you're a little depressed.

But you'll feel all right tonight when we see all our old chums at the reunion.

And speaking of that, you better go get dressed because the plane from Boston

leaves at noon. Listen, Vivian, everybody, I might as well tell you, I

decided I am not going to the reunion.

What? You're not going?

You're what?

What? Wouldn't it be worth going just to see Katie Malloy?

Oh, come on. Katie Malloy wouldn't bother coming to some dumb reunion.

Oh, but I heard Katie's going to be there.

You're kidding.

No. I had no idea that Katie would show up. Who's Katie Malloy?

Oh, Katie Malloy. Katie Malloy is probably the dearest, funniest person I

ever met.

Oh, Marlon, Katie had the whole campus laughing.

Gosh, I'll never forget the first time we met.

She told me I was the tallest woman she'd ever seen who wasn't a nun.

Oh, I could never be blue when Katie was around. Vivian, do you remember Katie's

water trick?

You remember? Remember, before class, she'd take a mouthful of water and keep

in her mouth, keep it closed. And then when the professor turned his back,

spritz it all over everybody.

Well, you had to be there.

We had a guy like that in the army. Only he used to take a mouthful of these

baked beans. Never mind.

I'll bet we didn't have one party on campus where Maude and Katie didn't sing

Sunny Boy.

Vivian. Vivian.

Sunny Boy.

What's so special about Sunny Boy?

Oh, well, it was the way we did it. Listen, let's show them. Yeah, let's do

I'll take case. Okay. Ready?

Climb up on my knees.

What's my name?

Sunny Boy.

Hello, Demois.

Hello, you're only three. What's my name?

Sunny Boy.

Where was I sent from? You were sent from heaven.

And what do you know?

And I know your...

What did I make for someone?

You made a heaven.

For who, right where, on what? For me, right here on Earth.

Have you ever speculated about old age? Well, I'm old and gray, dear. What

should I promise? Promise you won't stray, dear. Why, Mommy?

Cause I love you so. What the hell is my name?

Sonny Ball.

Kids today don't know that you can have fun without drugs.

Listen, where is that invitation?

I'm going to call. I'm going to call. Who are you calling? I'm going to call

leave a funny message for Katie at the hotel.

You know, like your wig maker called, your chest hair is ready.

You mean you're going to the reunion?

Well, of course I'm going.

I mean, I'm not some old person who sits around and mopes. I am young, alive,

vital. Oh, Mother, listen to this. The day you were born, Vitaphone Studios

signed Al Jolson for the first talking picture.

Oh, my God. I was saying Mammy three years before Al Jolson.

I'm old.

I'm old.

I am old.

Old. O -L -D -E.

That's how old.

Isn't this fun, Maude? No, it's depressing.

Oh, Vivian, 30 years ago, everybody in this room belonged to the Benny Goodman

fan club.

Now they all belong to the National Organization of Liver Spot.

Oh, Vivian, where is Katie? I mean, why did you have to drag me here anyway?

You know, Maude, you're drinking entirely too much. Please, Vivian, I

capacity for alcohol.

Yes, but you always get drunk before you reach it.

Maud, please, I know how you get when you drink.

So do I.

Hi, Maud.

Ed!

Ed, it's been a long time.

Still thinking about it, huh, Maud?

You know, I was just thinking, if this party gets any duller, why don't you and

I sneak up to your room and rekindle some old flames? Edward, is this a

Oh, it's ginger ale. That smells like alcohol to me.

He's not supposed to drink. He just had a prostate operation.

You see, Vivian, I could be next.

Oh, Vivian, I am old, Vivian. And I'll tell you something. If Katie Malloy

doesn't show up, you're going to have a very angry old lady on your hands.

Why don't you ask Richie Myers?

Look, there he is. He was our class president. He's in charge.

Richie, Richie, excuse me. Please, I'm the chairman of this reunion. I've got a

million things to do.

Come on.

I haven't seen you in 30 years.

Now, stop bothering me.

Richie, look, this is very important. Tell me, is Katie Malloy coming?

Yes, she called from the lobby. She's on her way up. Now, get off my back.

George, you forgot the book.

Let's go and meet her at the elevator.

Knowing Katie, she'll probably make an entrance doing cartwheels. I know it.

Ma, how are you?

Hi, excuse me.

Hello. Oh, Vivian, I don't want to repeat myself, but...

Thanks again for bringing me here.

I have an idea. I'm going to surprise Katie. I'm going to surprise her. I'm

going to sit right here, and I'm going to take a sip of this drink and hold it

in my mouth, and then when she calls my name, I'm going to turn around and...

I'll bridge it off. I'll bridge it off.

Good.

Oh, here's the elevator. The doors are opening.

Is she here? Is it Katie?

Yeah, she just got off the elevator.

What does she look like?

What is she wearing? Does she have gray hair?

No, no. She dyes it. Still red. Yeah.

Sort of a greenish dress.

Oh, Maude, here she comes.

She doesn't see me, does she? Does she? Maude, I don't think so, but I think

you'd better turn around.

What, and spoil my surprise?

now, kiddo, but why don't you stop by my room around 1130? I'm a pushover for a

guy in a uniform.

Oh, Maude, look at you.

Hello, Katie.

Richie, Richie, listen. I haven't seen Maud in over an hour. Do you know where

she is? Well, she isn't in the men's room. I just came from there.

Maud, will you polish this thing again, please?

Maud! Oh, so here you are. Madame, Madame, please try to keep this lady out

the kitchen.

Her breath is melting the ice sculptures.

My dear tall lady.

I've been looking everywhere for you. What were you doing in the kitchen? Oh,

wanted to compliment the chef.

We haven't eaten yet.

I know that. I wanted to compliment him on his haircut.

I know what you were doing in there. You were avoiding Katie Malloy. Oh, now,

that is ridiculous. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. You only said two words to her,

then you excused yourself.

Listen, I've been talking to her for over half an hour, and, Maude, she's

as wonderful as she ever was. Vivian, half an hour?

Didn't it bother you?

Didn't what bother me? Oh, come on, Viv. I mean the stroke. I mean the way she

looks. Poor thing.

No, not really.

Except, of course, every time I look at Katie, I can't help thinking, there but

for the grace of God goes Maude.

Come on now, Maude. You've got to talk to her.

I can't. I can't. I mean, Katie, she'll be so uncomfortable. Do you know what,

Maude? You're not worried about Katie. You're worried about your son. Vivian.

That's true. You're depressed because you're 51 years old. Now, you see Katie,

who's the same age as you in that wheelchair, and you think maybe the same

will happen to you because you think you're getting old. Oh, now, this is

ridiculous, Vic. I am the picture of health. I mean, look at this hand.

Momentito.

That's not my hand. This is an old hand.

This is my mother's hand.

Now, look. I'm walking around with my mother's hand.

Sorry, Katie, but I had to go stroke my face. I mean... Fix my stroke. I

mean... Tinkle.

Come on, sit down, sit down.

Oh, Katie.

Oh, come on, Maud.

I had a stroke. It's not the end of the world.

Let's not talk about that, huh?

Okay, we'll talk about something else.

Ask me how my tennis game is.

Oh, my, will you relax?

You know, honey, having a stroke has its advantages.

Really? What advantages?

Well, for one thing, I don't have to stand up when they play the Star

Banner.

Oh, come on, my honey, come on. Let's catch up. Fill me in on everything that

you've been doing. I want to hear all the details.

Well, let's see.

After we finished college, I got married, and then I had a baby, and

then tonight I came here.

Oh, come on now. You've done a lot more than that.

She's been married four times.

Husbands? No wonder you look so tired.

Maud's not quite herself tonight, Katie. I think it's the excitement of seeing

all her old friends again.

I think it's one old friend in particular that's bothering Maud.

Look, Katie.

Yes, Maud?

Katie, will you excuse me? I have to find an aspirin. Why? You have a

Headache? Great idea.

Ed, will you excuse me, please?

Still can't keep your hands off me, huh, Maud?

You know, it's been 30 years, Maud. You ought to stop carrying that torch.

You're only going to drive yourself crazy.

Ed, would you do me a favor? Sure, baby, sure. Hold this ice cube for me.

You've always been close to Katie. You've got to talk to her.

Talk to her about what? She's been telling people that you two are going to

Funny Boy.

She can't be serious.

Maude, she is not going to perform. If you don't talk to her, I will.

What are you going to say? No singing from wheelchairs after 8 o 'clock?

That might be good.

I'll tell her. I'll tell her. Good.

Come on, Ed. Help me count the shrimp cocktails.

Listen, do you want me to help you tell Katie?

No, no.

I'll... I'll... I'll handle it.

Katie.

Yes, Maude?

Katie, I understand that you were thinking that possibly the two of us

sing Sonny Boy tonight.

Well, of course we're going to sing Sonny Boy, honey. We can't disappoint

everybody. Yeah, well, Katie, I mean, I...

I don't think I'm in any shape. You know, I had an awful lot to drink

can't even walk a straight line.

Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

Oh, honey, come on. You don't have to walk. Just climb on board.

Look, Katie, I mean, come on. We're not kids anymore. You know what I mean? I'm

a little too old for this. Oh, Maude, now come on, honey. We can do it.

No, we can't, Katie.

And you know why.

Maude, be honest with me.

Do I really sing that bad?

Katie, will you stop making jokes? This isn't funny.

Hey, you know something? You're mad at me. Oh, come on, Katie. Of course I'm

mad at you. Yes, you are, Maude. You're mad at me. You're fuming at me. Well,

who wouldn't be?

I turned 51 today, and I hate it. And the only reason I came to this dumb

reunion is because I thought you could cheer me up. Now, here you come out in

this thing, and you talk like this.

Lady, I didn't mean that.

Yes, you did, Maude. You meant that.

Yes, you did. And I'm glad you said that.

Maude, honey, listen. You know when you're driving in a car and some guy

you off and you stick your head out the window and you scream, you creep because

you're mad.

But you're mad because that other guy scared you.

And that's why you're mad at me, Maude.

scare you?

It's true, Katie.

You scare the hell out of me.

But why?

Why? I'm okay.

I'm alive.

Last week, I moved this big toe.

Next month, gee, maybe I'll be walking.

What? I go to sleep every night and I wake up. Every morning. I'm alive.

I'm alive, Maude.

So, honey, if you're afraid of me, you're just afraid of life.

You're incredible.

You know something?

Having this throat has been bad news and good news.

The bad news is I'm paralyzed.

But the good news is my husband left me.

There he was.

Oh, anyway, you know, I think this throat was just too much for him, and he

just, well, he just left.

Oh, Maude, you know, sweetheart, that's when I realized that it's the quitters

that are really afraid of life.

Maude, that's why I had to come here tonight.

You know, I was afraid that if I didn't show up... Well, Maude, you know me.

I'm not a quitter.

And you're not a quitter.

Maude, see, that's why I had to come here tonight.

Maude, I just couldn't let you go out there and sing Sonny Boy all by

Oh, Katie, Katie, Katie, what does it take to knock the stuffing out of you?

Well, I've always found roughage helpful.

May I have your attention, please?

As your class president, I'd like to say that I'm just as proud as punch to have

made this reunion the wonderful success that it is.

Jackie Koch, who arranged for the dinner.

Let's not forget Bill Davenport, who donated all the liquor.

Oh, excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen, for our first number tonight... Wait a

minute, what is this? I was reading.

I know, and we all enjoyed it immensely. Look, Richie, why don't you go swallow

a duck?

Maestro, a little funny music, please.

Uh, tell me, waiter, do you have frog's legs?

Yes, I do.

Well, how do you keep from jumping out of your pants?

Sir, could you lend me $150 for a cup of coffee?

$150 for a cup of coffee?

Well, you don't expect me to drink it in this outfit, do you?

Nobody pays any attention to me.

Next!

Now, forget it. Forget it. Forget it!

We're wasting our time, Katie, on this bunch of deadheads.

You're all terrible.

You don't appreciate a good woman. And you don't appreciate a good joke.

I mean, you've all forgotten how to laugh.

Well, you're ridiculous if you think I'm going to waste an evening with you

people every 30 years.

I deserve it. I've a good mind to leave now while I still have my pride and my

dignity.

is there no way of?

There's no way of showing. What I mean to who?

What you mean to me.

What's my name?

Johnny.

Bye. Bye.