All language subtitles for maude_s05e18_maude_s_reunion

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

Then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.
That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Maud.

Maud.

Maud.

Come on, sweetheart. It's time to get
up.

This is a big day. It's your birthday.

Today you're 51 years old, so come on,
sweetheart.

Let's rise and shine.

Walter, why are you talking to my
bedspread?

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

You know, Walter, I was just in the
bathroom combing my hair, and there was

little, tiny little bird just chirping
away right outside the window, and I

thought to myself,

Today, I am 51 years old.

I've been listening to little birdies
chirp for over half a century, and, you

know, I couldn't help myself, Walter. I
raised the window, and there was this

cute little bird. It couldn't have been
five feet away, a little robin.

And you know what I said to that bird?

What? Go choke on a worm, you twerp!

I'm old, Walter.

I'm old.

Oh!

Oh, I'm old, Walter.

Old. Old. I'm old.

Come on, Walter. You're 51.

You've been depressed all week, and I
think you're overreacting. That's what

people do, Walter. They overreact.

Happy birthday, Mother.

Oh, Carol.

Carol. You don't know how lucky you are.

I mean, I would kill for the chance to
use my doll again.

something that'll cheer you up.

Come on, Mort. Smile.

Look at me. I'm 54 and I'm happy. That,
my darling, is because you're dumb.

Ready, Walter?

All set.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Come on, Mort. Blow out the candles.
Blow out the... Sergio Franke couldn't

out this one.

Come on, Ma. If you don't put him out,
it's bad luck.

So much for bad luck.

Come on, Ma. That's the only chance we
have for a little celebration.

Yeah. With you and Vivian flying up to
Boston for your college class reunion.

You know, she's been like this all week.
All of a sudden, she thinks she's old.

Where would she get an idea like that?

What makes her think 51 makes a
difference?

You see that? When you're old, people
talk about you as if you're not there.

I just brought you a little present, but
I want you to undo it before we go to

our class reunion.

Is this sweet, Walter? Look what Vivian
brought me for my birthday.

Our morning paper.

No!

That's not today's paper, silly.

This is the New York Times, Maude, from
the day you were born. Oh, isn't that

nice? Look!

Look at it! Look here, look.

Calvin Coolidge was president.

Ed, look, Rudyard Kipling has written
new books.

New books? Look here, sirloin steak, 12
cents a pound.

Know that this is over half a century
old.

And this is an antique.

Just look at it. It's all yellow and
cracked.

I know you're a little depressed.

But you'll feel all right tonight when
we see all our old chums at the reunion.

And speaking of that, you better go get
dressed because the plane from Boston

leaves at noon. Listen, Vivian,
everybody, I might as well tell you, I

decided I am not going to the reunion.

What? You're not going?

You're what?

What? Wouldn't it be worth going just to
see Katie Malloy?

Oh, come on. Katie Malloy wouldn't
bother coming to some dumb reunion.

Oh, but I heard Katie's going to be
there.

You're kidding.

No. I had no idea that Katie would show
up. Who's Katie Malloy?

Oh, Katie Malloy. Katie Malloy is
probably the dearest, funniest person I

ever met.

Oh, Marlon, Katie had the whole campus
laughing.

Gosh, I'll never forget the first time
we met.

She told me I was the tallest woman
she'd ever seen who wasn't a nun.

Oh, I could never be blue when Katie was
around. Vivian, do you remember Katie's

water trick?

You remember? Remember, before class,
she'd take a mouthful of water and keep

in her mouth, keep it closed. And then
when the professor turned his back,

spritz it all over everybody.

Well, you had to be there.

We had a guy like that in the army. Only
he used to take a mouthful of these

baked beans. Never mind.

I'll bet we didn't have one party on
campus where Maude and Katie didn't sing

Sunny Boy.

Vivian. Vivian.

Sunny Boy.

What's so special about Sunny Boy?

Oh, well, it was the way we did it.
Listen, let's show them. Yeah, let's do

I'll take case. Okay. Ready?

Climb up on my knees.

What's my name?

Sunny Boy.

Hello, Demois.

Hello, you're only three. What's my
name?

Sunny Boy.

Where was I sent from? You were sent
from heaven.

And what do you know?

And I know your...

What did I make for someone?

You made a heaven.

For who, right where, on what? For me,
right here on Earth.

Have you ever speculated about old age?
Well, I'm old and gray, dear. What

should I promise? Promise you won't
stray, dear. Why, Mommy?

Cause I love you so. What the hell is my
name?

Sonny Ball.

Kids today don't know that you can have
fun without drugs.

Listen, where is that invitation?

I'm going to call. I'm going to call.
Who are you calling? I'm going to call

leave a funny message for Katie at the
hotel.

You know, like your wig maker called,
your chest hair is ready.

You mean you're going to the reunion?

Well, of course I'm going.

I mean, I'm not some old person who sits
around and mopes. I am young, alive,

vital. Oh, Mother, listen to this. The
day you were born, Vitaphone Studios

signed Al Jolson for the first talking
picture.

Oh, my God. I was saying Mammy three
years before Al Jolson.

I'm old.

I'm old.

I am old.

Old. O -L -D -E.

That's how old.

Isn't this fun, Maude? No, it's
depressing.

Oh, Vivian, 30 years ago, everybody in
this room belonged to the Benny Goodman

fan club.

Now they all belong to the National
Organization of Liver Spot.

Oh, Vivian, where is Katie? I mean, why
did you have to drag me here anyway?

You know, Maude, you're drinking
entirely too much. Please, Vivian, I

capacity for alcohol.

Yes, but you always get drunk before you
reach it.

Maud, please, I know how you get when
you drink.

So do I.

Hi, Maud.

Ed!

Ed, it's been a long time.

Still thinking about it, huh, Maud?

You know, I was just thinking, if this
party gets any duller, why don't you and

I sneak up to your room and rekindle
some old flames? Edward, is this a

Oh, it's ginger ale. That smells like
alcohol to me.

He's not supposed to drink. He just had
a prostate operation.

You see, Vivian, I could be next.

Oh, Vivian, I am old, Vivian. And I'll
tell you something. If Katie Malloy

doesn't show up, you're going to have a
very angry old lady on your hands.

Why don't you ask Richie Myers?

Look, there he is. He was our class
president. He's in charge.

Richie, Richie, excuse me. Please, I'm
the chairman of this reunion. I've got a

million things to do.

Come on.

I haven't seen you in 30 years.

Now, stop bothering me.

Richie, look, this is very important.
Tell me, is Katie Malloy coming?

Yes, she called from the lobby. She's on
her way up. Now, get off my back.

George, you forgot the book.

Let's go and meet her at the elevator.

Knowing Katie, she'll probably make an
entrance doing cartwheels. I know it.

Ma, how are you?

Hi, excuse me.

Hello. Oh, Vivian, I don't want to
repeat myself, but...

Thanks again for bringing me here.

I have an idea. I'm going to surprise
Katie. I'm going to surprise her. I'm

going to sit right here, and I'm going
to take a sip of this drink and hold it

in my mouth, and then when she calls my
name, I'm going to turn around and...

I'll bridge it off. I'll bridge it off.

Good.

Oh, here's the elevator. The doors are
opening.

Is she here? Is it Katie?

Yeah, she just got off the elevator.

What does she look like?

What is she wearing? Does she have gray
hair?

No, no. She dyes it. Still red. Yeah.

Sort of a greenish dress.

Oh, Maude, here she comes.

She doesn't see me, does she? Does she?
Maude, I don't think so, but I think

you'd better turn around.

What, and spoil my surprise?

now, kiddo, but why don't you stop by my
room around 1130? I'm a pushover for a

guy in a uniform.

Oh, Maude, look at you.

Hello, Katie.

Richie, Richie, listen. I haven't seen
Maud in over an hour. Do you know where

she is? Well, she isn't in the men's
room. I just came from there.

Maud, will you polish this thing again,
please?

Maud! Oh, so here you are. Madame,
Madame, please try to keep this lady out

the kitchen.

Her breath is melting the ice
sculptures.

My dear tall lady.

I've been looking everywhere for you.
What were you doing in the kitchen? Oh,

wanted to compliment the chef.

We haven't eaten yet.

I know that. I wanted to compliment him
on his haircut.

I know what you were doing in there. You
were avoiding Katie Malloy. Oh, now,

that is ridiculous. No, it isn't. No, it
isn't. You only said two words to her,

then you excused yourself.

Listen, I've been talking to her for
over half an hour, and, Maude, she's

as wonderful as she ever was. Vivian,
half an hour?

Didn't it bother you?

Didn't what bother me? Oh, come on, Viv.
I mean the stroke. I mean the way she

looks. Poor thing.

No, not really.

Except, of course, every time I look at
Katie, I can't help thinking, there but

for the grace of God goes Maude.

Come on now, Maude. You've got to talk
to her.

I can't. I can't. I mean, Katie, she'll
be so uncomfortable. Do you know what,

Maude? You're not worried about Katie.
You're worried about your son. Vivian.

That's true. You're depressed because
you're 51 years old. Now, you see Katie,

who's the same age as you in that
wheelchair, and you think maybe the same

will happen to you because you think
you're getting old. Oh, now, this is

ridiculous, Vic. I am the picture of
health. I mean, look at this hand.

Momentito.

That's not my hand. This is an old hand.

This is my mother's hand.

Now, look. I'm walking around with my
mother's hand.

Sorry, Katie, but I had to go stroke my
face. I mean... Fix my stroke. I

mean... Tinkle.

Come on, sit down, sit down.

Oh, Katie.

Oh, come on, Maud.

I had a stroke. It's not the end of the
world.

Let's not talk about that, huh?

Okay, we'll talk about something else.

Ask me how my tennis game is.

Oh, my, will you relax?

You know, honey, having a stroke has its
advantages.

Really? What advantages?

Well, for one thing, I don't have to
stand up when they play the Star

Banner.

Oh, come on, my honey, come on. Let's
catch up. Fill me in on everything that

you've been doing. I want to hear all
the details.

Well, let's see.

After we finished college, I got
married, and then I had a baby, and

then tonight I came here.

Oh, come on now. You've done a lot more
than that.

She's been married four times.

Husbands? No wonder you look so tired.

Maud's not quite herself tonight, Katie.
I think it's the excitement of seeing

all her old friends again.

I think it's one old friend in
particular that's bothering Maud.

Look, Katie.

Yes, Maud?

Katie, will you excuse me? I have to
find an aspirin. Why? You have a

Headache? Great idea.

Ed, will you excuse me, please?

Still can't keep your hands off me, huh,
Maud?

You know, it's been 30 years, Maud. You
ought to stop carrying that torch.

You're only going to drive yourself
crazy.

Ed, would you do me a favor? Sure, baby,
sure. Hold this ice cube for me.

You've always been close to Katie.
You've got to talk to her.

Talk to her about what? She's been
telling people that you two are going to

Funny Boy.

She can't be serious.

Maude, she is not going to perform. If
you don't talk to her, I will.

What are you going to say? No singing
from wheelchairs after 8 o 'clock?

That might be good.

I'll tell her. I'll tell her. Good.

Come on, Ed. Help me count the shrimp
cocktails.

Listen, do you want me to help you tell
Katie?

No, no.

I'll... I'll... I'll handle it.

Katie.

Yes, Maude?

Katie, I understand that you were
thinking that possibly the two of us

sing Sonny Boy tonight.

Well, of course we're going to sing
Sonny Boy, honey. We can't disappoint

everybody. Yeah, well, Katie, I mean,
I...

I don't think I'm in any shape. You
know, I had an awful lot to drink

can't even walk a straight line.

Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

Oh, honey, come on. You don't have to
walk. Just climb on board.

Look, Katie, I mean, come on. We're not
kids anymore. You know what I mean? I'm

a little too old for this. Oh, Maude,
now come on, honey. We can do it.

No, we can't, Katie.

And you know why.

Maude, be honest with me.

Do I really sing that bad?

Katie, will you stop making jokes? This
isn't funny.

Hey, you know something? You're mad at
me. Oh, come on, Katie. Of course I'm

mad at you. Yes, you are, Maude. You're
mad at me. You're fuming at me. Well,

who wouldn't be?

I turned 51 today, and I hate it. And
the only reason I came to this dumb

reunion is because I thought you could
cheer me up. Now, here you come out in

this thing, and you talk like this.

Lady, I didn't mean that.

Yes, you did, Maude. You meant that.

Yes, you did. And I'm glad you said
that.

Maude, honey, listen. You know when
you're driving in a car and some guy

you off and you stick your head out the
window and you scream, you creep because

you're mad.

But you're mad because that other guy
scared you.

And that's why you're mad at me, Maude.

scare you?

It's true, Katie.

You scare the hell out of me.

But why?

Why? I'm okay.

I'm alive.

Last week, I moved this big toe.

Next month, gee, maybe I'll be walking.

What? I go to sleep every night and I
wake up. Every morning. I'm alive.

I'm alive, Maude.

So, honey, if you're afraid of me,
you're just afraid of life.

You're incredible.

You know something?

Having this throat has been bad news and
good news.

The bad news is I'm paralyzed.

But the good news is my husband left me.

There he was.

Oh, anyway, you know, I think this
throat was just too much for him, and he

just, well, he just left.

Oh, Maude, you know, sweetheart, that's
when I realized that it's the quitters

that are really afraid of life.

Maude, that's why I had to come here
tonight.

You know, I was afraid that if I didn't
show up... Well, Maude, you know me.

I'm not a quitter.

And you're not a quitter.

Maude, see, that's why I had to come
here tonight.

Maude, I just couldn't let you go out
there and sing Sonny Boy all by

Oh, Katie, Katie, Katie, what does it
take to knock the stuffing out of you?

Well, I've always found roughage
helpful.

May I have your attention, please?

As your class president, I'd like to say
that I'm just as proud as punch to have

made this reunion the wonderful success
that it is.

Jackie Koch, who arranged for the
dinner.

Let's not forget Bill Davenport, who
donated all the liquor.

Oh, excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen, for
our first number tonight... Wait a

minute, what is this? I was reading.

I know, and we all enjoyed it immensely.
Look, Richie, why don't you go swallow

a duck?

Maestro, a little funny music, please.

Uh, tell me, waiter, do you have frog's
legs?

Yes, I do.

Well, how do you keep from jumping out
of your pants?

Sir, could you lend me $150 for a cup of
coffee?

$150 for a cup of coffee?

Well, you don't expect me to drink it in
this outfit, do you?

Nobody pays any attention to me.

Next!

Now, forget it. Forget it. Forget it!

We're wasting our time, Katie, on this
bunch of deadheads.

You're all terrible.

You don't appreciate a good woman. And
you don't appreciate a good joke.

I mean, you've all forgotten how to
laugh.

Well, you're ridiculous if you think I'm
going to waste an evening with you

people every 30 years.

I deserve it. I've a good mind to leave
now while I still have my pride and my

dignity.

is there no way of?

There's no way of showing. What I mean
to who?

What you mean to me.

What's my name?

Johnny.

Bye. Bye.