Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Roth got it all sewed up.

And then there's my...

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Right on, Maude.

Well, here's the potato salad.

Oh, Maude.

Don't you just love potato salad with hard -boiled eggs in it? I'm crazy about

it that way.

There, you see, I knew I should have hard -boiled some eggs. Darn it.

Boy, do I have to chop any more onions?

Can't I go outside and toss the football around with Arthur and Albie? Oh, now

look, if you want to go out and play with that jerk Albie Doyle, go ahead.

Jerk? Albie's not a jerk.

Albie is not a jerk? Did you see this book that he brought Vivian from

Cleveland? Said it was the hottest book in town.

Really, Mort? I mean, a hot book?

That is not funny, Walter.

He's been pulling these dumb jokes all day.

And whoopee cushions are not funny either.

Ah,

Mort, he just liked to fool around.

I mean, when I found out that the great Albie Doyle was here, I almost went into

shock. You almost went into shock?

How about when he goosed me with his electric cane?

Boyd, you don't understand.

Albie Doyle was one of the greatest college football players of all time. He

right up there with Red Grange and Tom Harmon.

Now, look, honey, if you really want to go out and play football with Arthur and

Albie, go ahead. Okay.

Just don't bend over.

Classic in American humor.

What? What?

What?

Vivian, I swear to you, if Albie plays another trick on me, I'm going to hide

his rubber doggy do.

Oh, Maud, come on. He's cute.

Arthur says Albie was always like that, even back when they were roommates in

college. Arthur says Albie taught him everything he knows about fun.

Hmm.

Vivian, just answer one question for me. Why would an important person like

Albie Doyle come all the way from Cleveland to Tuckahoe just to get Arthur

perform a simple hernia operation?

Well, Arthur says Albie's a hypochondriac, and he doesn't trust

Well, I guess if you don't trust doctors, Arthur's the perfect choice.

Oh,

I hope Arthur's watching that chicken out there on the grill. I don't want it

get burnt.

Don't touch that football.

What? What? What? They may want to measure for a first down.

We are the Bobcats, so hold it true.

And we will claw the pants off you.

Rip, rip, rip.

Kick him in the knee.

Rip, rip, rasp.

Kick him in the other knee.

Oh, what a boy, Albie. What a pass that was.

Story, Bill, we'll fix the window tomorrow.

Albie, you must have thrown that ball.

And you with a hernia. Wow. Come on, I'll get you a drink.

Hey, what happened? That ball was right to you. Oh, come on.

I wasn't about to touch that ball.

Not after what you rubbed on it.

Albie carries around a baggie full of chicken fat just to rub on things.

How do you beat this guy?

Over the head with his electric cane.

Hey, Mudd, you're all right.

You know, the first time I met you, I didn't think you had a sense of humor.

Hey, Albie, why don't you show Maude your carnation?

Hey, Maude, look at this. It's a special hybrid. I got it. I know, I know. It's

the kind you don't have to water.

It waters you.

What are you talking about? Oh, come on, Albie. You don't think I'm going to

fall for that squirting... I mean, this is a real carnation.

Of course. What do you think I am, some kind of cornball?

I'm sorry, Albie. It's really lovely.

Albie, I understand you never marry.

Come on, everybody. Here we are.

Bottoms up.

I don't want to make a toast. Just a second.

sewer pump. You old slime -slopper. You old scum -slurper. You old maggot

-muncher. Chicken liver. No!

Albie, I can't believe you never married. I mean, a fun guy like you.

Well, my work keeps me pretty busy.

I travel around a lot, arranging conventions for the Shriners.

And besides, old Arthur here got the dream girl.

Oh, Albie.

Oh, that's true, Arthur.

Your first wife, Agnes, was the perfect woman.

What a beauty.

It was the best thing that ever happened to all Arthur here.

Agnes was a saint.

She was an absolute saint.

I know. That's why they had separate bedrooms.

Boy, oh, boy. The great Alfie Doyle right here in Tuckahoe.

You know something, Arthur?

We should get you some publicity for this. Oh, no. Walter, I get enough

publicity as it is.

Every time I turn around, I see my name in print.

Oh, Walter's not talking about death certificates, Arthur.

What? Please, I don't like jokes.

Albie, you don't like jokes.

Well, not jokes about health.

Remember, I'm going under the knife tomorrow.

Don't worry, it'll probably be a rubber one.

Look, Albie, old buddy, there's nothing to be nervous about.

Now, remember, I studied under old Doc Pritchard.

Old Doc Pritchard. You know you talk about him a lot, Arthur.

Yeah, well, he was a great inspiration to me.

Old Doc Pritchard. He was the greatest.

Took care of the team.

Kept me patched up so I could get out there on the field every Saturday.

I played with broken ankles, broken ribs.

I didn't know the meaning of pain.

No, but you're teaching it to us.

Okay, everybody, come on, let's see.

Arthur, would you just carve the chicken? Oh, sure.

I could use another snort, Artie.

Okay, old buddy, sure thing. But then I'm going to cut you off.

See, Artie, that's why I trust you. You're getting me in shape for the

tomorrow. Oh, no.

I just don't want to drink up all my good scotch.

Albie, will you stop worrying?

Look, I gave you a complete physical yesterday.

Your blood pressure's good. The old ticker's tip -top.

Listen, all you need now for that hernia operation is a good shave.

I'll be lighting up.

Look, I am not that madcap kid you remember from those panty raid parties.

I'm an experienced, professional, highly trained surgeon.

You know something, Artie? That's why I came to you all the way from Cleveland.

You're the best in the business.

Oh, darn. Cut my finger.

Oh, hi, Viv.

Hi, Walter. What are you doing here?

Guess who I got outside?

Who? Chip Morgan from WKS Radio.

Oh, I love him.

He's going to interview Arthur about Albie for the 6 o 'clock news. Oh, how

exciting. How'd the operation go?

Oh, just fine.

Albie's in the recovery room now.

I'm waiting for Arthur. He's taking me out to lunch right after he takes out a

gallbladder.

Vivian, I'll be with you in just five minutes. All I have to...

Walter, what brings you here?

Arthur, stay right there. Don't move. I have a surprise for you.

Jed, come on in, please.

Arthur, this is Chip Morgan from WKS Radio. He wants an interview about

operation. Hello, how are you? Dr. Arthur Harmon and his wife, Vivian.

Oh, no, Walter, I couldn't. Come on, Arthur, I want the people of Tuckahoe to

know that the great Albie Doyle came all the way to you for his hernia

operation. Well, I wouldn't know what to say.

I've never talked on the radio before. Oh, Arthur, go ahead. It'll be fun.

Well... As long as you're here.

Oh, wait a minute. Don't do it with his hair messed up.

Now, see, this is radio, ma 'am.

Oh, I don't care. People have a way of knowing.

Okay, doctor, just speak in your normal tone of voice.

Ready? All set.

Okay.

This is Chip Morgan at Tuckahoe General Hospital, and I'm talking to Dr.

Arthur Harmon.

Doctor, I understand you've just performed a hernia operation on your

friend, the great Albie Doyle, two -time winner of the Mumford Trophy and a

beloved sports figure to a whole generation of Americans.

Is that true?

Yes.

Doctor, as we all know, Albie Doyle now resides in Cleveland, Ohio.

Did he come all the way to Tuckahoe for this operation?

Because of a close friendship with you?

Yes.

Yes. Well, partly.

No, partly. I think he really came to me because he wanted, well, how do you put

it modestly?

The best.

The best.

Now, I don't mean to take anything away from the medical care that's available

in Cleveland.

I'm sure they have several adequate doctors there.

Isn't a hernia considered a fairly routine operation?

Not by me it isn't.

No operation is ever routine. Dr. Harmon.

When I take that scalpel in my hand, my only thought is for the sacred trust

that patient has put in me. Doctor.

Doctor, I must speak with you.

Now, a doctor should never get careless.

I owe my...

I owe my success to the careful attention to detail.

Nurse Davis, what is this? Can't you see that I'm doing an interview about the

great Albie Doyle?

The late great Albie Doyle.

What?

That's him.

He's dead.

Maybe we'd better finish the interview later.

Dr. Harmon is in his office, isn't he?

Yes. Then why can't I see him? I've been waiting here four hours. Mrs. Berger,

please. Why don't you just give up and go home like all the other patients did?

Oh, thank God you're here. Well, I came as soon as you called. What is it? I

don't know. All of a sudden, Dr. Harmon had me send all his patients home for no

reason. Oh.

Oh, hold it, sister. I was here first.

And anyhow, you don't look sick.

I'm the doctor's wife.

You don't look rich either.

Vivian, what are you doing here? Did you have an appointment?

Arthur, Nurse Ehrlichman called me.

She says you've canceled all your appointments today.

Why?

He's gone, Viv.

Albie has gone.

He's thrown his last pass in the game of life.

And it's been intercepted by the greatest linebacker of them all.

Death. Oh, Arthur.

Oh, poor Arthur.

Viv, these are Albie's personal effects.

Look at this.

His bow tie's still dripping.

Oh, Arthur.

Oh, I wish I could do something to make you feel better.

You sat on Albie's whoopee cushion.

Albie would have liked that.

Are you sending his things back to Cleveland?

Yes.

Albie's going to be buried wearing his little bow tie, holding his electric

and stretched out in his whoopee cushion.

Maybe you should take the air out of it first. It might go off at the funeral.

Albie would like that, too.

Arthur, I'm worried about you.

You know you didn't sleep a wink last night.

Vivian, how can I sleep?

Albie is dead and I'm responsible.

Arthur, you are not responsible.

Turn around here and listen to me, Arthur.

Listen, Albie died of a heart attack after the operation.

All you were supposed to do was fix his little hernia.

And you did.

I'm sure when Albie died, he felt better than he had in weeks.

Vivian, I gave Albie an electrocardiogram and his heart was

But that wasn't enough.

I should have given him a treadmill stress test.

Do you usually give that test?

No, you never give that test unless a patient has a history of heart trouble.

But if I had, if I had, Albie might be with us today.

Oh.

Why are you packing your thing?

Bill, try to understand this.

The God thing finally caught up with me.

The what?

The God thing.

Old Doc Pritchard used to warn us about it.

See, he taught us that doctors are like God because we have the power of life

and death.

But I don't want to be God anymore.

Do these look like the hands of God, Vivian? Do they?

Do they look like the hands of God? Absolutely not. No, of course not.

But I thought they were.

And then when Albie died, I realized how worthless they are.

Arthur.

Arthur, you're just very upset and you're tired.

Now, I want you to come home with me, Arthur. You can write yourself a

prescription for some sedative. I wouldn't trust any prescription these

prescribed. Oh.

These hands are never going to operate again, Vivian. I'm through with medicine

forever. No!

Yes.

I am never coming into this office again.

Arthur! I hate these hands!

I never want to see them again.

No,

Doctor, no. He doesn't know you're coming, but it's been three weeks and he

hasn't even gone into the office.

You're just my last hope.

Oh, well, you're almost here.

Just drive straight past the House of Pies.

Then turn left at Cohen's Cowboy Corral.

And then ours is the very next street on the right.

All right. I'll see you in a little while.

Arthur!

You said you were going to get dressed. Now you promised.

Vivian, I've decided to sell the Cadillac.

I don't want people getting the idea that I'm still a doctor.

Arthur, you are still a doctor.

Vivian, I used to be a doctor.

Three weeks ago, I was a doctor.

But now, I'm a former doctor.

Vivian, I have been reading the most interesting book.

Arthur, not those gloves again. Now, take them off. No. Oh, Arthur, please.

No. Now, we've been through this before.

I don't want to look at my hands.

Arthur! It's a perfectly normal reaction for a surgeon that just killed his best

friend.

All right. All right, dear.

What's the book?

Well, it's The Christian Science Way of Life.

Christian science?

Arthur, Christian science is wonderful for thick people, but you're a doctor.

You're giving up an entire life of medicine because of self -pity. Self

Self -pity?

Look at these hands.

These hands have the power to kill. That's why I'm giving up medicine.

Don't you think that's a good enough reason?

I think it sucks canal water.

And take off a dumb glove.

Arthur, not two pairs of gloves.

Well, it's difficult to turn the pages in my Christian science book with the

work gloves.

These are my reading gloves.

Could that be?

Um, well, I invited someone to come over. I don't want to see anybody.

really going to want to see this person. Who is it? Right down here, doctor.

Doctor? How dare you invite a doctor into my home?

I rang the bell, but nobody answered.

Of course, maybe it wasn't ringing. My ears are open.

Doc Pritchard.

Vivian.

It's old Doc Pritchard. Well, well, well, young man. It's been a long time.

I'm Vivian, his wife. We spoke on the phone.

Your wife called me. I said to myself, I'm not going to let one of the

minds I ever taught quit medicine.

One of the brightest minds he ever taught, Arthur. I didn't know that.

Neither did I.

Wait a minute.

Marvin Harper?

No, Doc. I'm Arthur Harmon.

Well, I came to see Marvin Harper. I don't even know who you are.

Harmon.

Arthur Harmon.

Harmon?

Harmon, huh?

Class of 41.

Oh, yeah.

You used to run around with your hair in a mess and your shirt tail hanging out.

You haven't cleaned your act up yet, have you?

There go those teeth of mine again.

Damn dentist.

God should never trust dentists with anything as important as teeth.

Maybe a drink would help, Doc.

Scotch, bourbon, gin.

Have you got any coffee?

Oh, yes. We have instant, decaffeinated, and apricot mocha.

Good.

I'll take a double bourbon.

Well, Harmon, you lost a good friend under the knife, did you?

Oh, Vivian told you.

Oh, she didn't tell me. Nobody told me. It's always a loss of a good friend that

causes a dedicated man to give up medicine.

Well, it's the old God thing, Doc.

You're the one that warned me about it.

I did?

What did I say?

Well, you know, the doctors have the power of life and death like God.

Well, I don't want to play God anymore. I am finished with medicine.

You've got that backwards, Harmon.

Backwards? I had one nice piece of folksy philosophy and you screwed it up.

Well, I don't understand.

What did you say? I said that doctors do not have the power of life and death.

God does. Only God can give a life. Only God can take a life.

Only God can make a tree.

Thank you.

You see?

She listens.

Now, look, Harmony, if you quit medicine, it means that you think you

responsibility for life and death.

If you give up medicine, you will be playing God.

I... I never thought of it that way.

Why, Arthur, God made you a doctor.

He gave you the gift to heal.

To relieve people of their pain and suffering.

Didn't want you to be a doctor.

He'd have made you a dentist.

Wow.

This makes everything different.

Oh, there go those teeth again.

Doctor, does that pain go right up into your cheeks there? All the way from the

eyes down into the jaw.

Look at your eyes.

They're all watery. Of course, from the pain.

Oh, boy.

You're a typical doctor.

You can diagnose anybody but yourself.

There's nothing wrong with your teeth, Doc. You sound like my dentist.

Well, he's right.

You have a classic case of acute sinusitis. I see it all the time.

Sinusitis? I haven't got any sinus trouble.

Well, there always has to be a first time.

Sinusitis.

You know, Harmon, I think you're right.

Of course I'm right. Here, get that prescription filled, and that'll fix you

Well, you are the doctor.

You know, Arthur, it looks as if you really are the doctor again.

Doesn't it?

Yeah, I guess I am. You sure are. I can't read a damn word of this thing.

Listen, Doc.

I want to thank you for snapping me out of it. You're still the best mind in

medicine.

Hey, do you remember Albie Doyle?

Albie Doyle? I should think so. I was a team physician.

He was a great quarterback.

Hell of a nice fellow, too.

Albie's one of the immortals.

Well, not quite.

What do you mean?

Albie was a patient God took on Arthur's operating table.

Albie Doyle is dead?

Well, it was his heart. You killed the great Albie Doyle!

It wasn't me. No. It was him. Arthur did everything he could. He gave him the

best possible care.

And besides, I wasn't even there when it happened. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It was just such a shock. I had no idea it was Alvidor.

But you still think I should practice medicine, don't you, Doctor? Oh, of

course. Of course.

Only, maybe God would be happier if you became a dermatologist.

Me? A skin doctor?

Yes.

Nobody ever gets well, but nobody ever dies.

Think about that.

You know, Vivian, maybe

he's right. Maybe I could become a dermatologist.

All I need is a bigger waiting room.