Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. No,

Arthur, I'm really not interested.

Believe me, Walter, you will have a ball.

And it's a great and worthy cause. It's only $25 a person and strictly stag.

It's a very classy affair.

We all wear tuxedos. We have this big banquet.

Then we listen to some speeches.

Then we all get drunk and fall under the table.

Excuse me, Arthur. Do you want some coffee? Yeah, thanks.

What was the name of the group again?

We call it the Friends of Ducks.

The entire proceeds goes to protecting the nesting ground of the Canadian ring

-necked duck, which is in danger of extinction.

But with our help, the ducks can breed safely and build up their flocks again.

Arthur, why would a bunch of guys want to pay 25 bucks each to protect them

ducks in Canada?

So when they fly down here in the fall, we can shoot them.

I'm not too crazy about the idea of shooting little ducks.

Walter, if the hunters didn't shoot them, they'd overbreed and they'd die of

starvation.

Shooting them is a very humane act.

Arthur, just a minute.

These ducks are in danger of extinction.

Right. So you guys protect their nesting grounds to build up the flocks again.

That's right. But then you shoot them because otherwise there'd be too many of

them and they would die of starvation. You got it.

It doesn't make sense.

You know something, Walter? You know what's wrong with you? You don't

conservation.

Honey, I'm on my way. I'm just going to leave a little shopping list for Mrs.

Naugaton. Hi, Marty. Hi, Arthur.

Good boy.

She all spiffied up for a Saturday.

Boy, you look terrific.

And smell that perfume.

What's the big occasion, Marty?

It's no occasion, Arthur.

Oh, come on. Something must be up.

I know expensive perfume when I smell it.

No, I'm just having lunch with a business associate, Jeremy Hubbard.

Jeremy Hubbard? That sounds like a man.

Well, of course it's a man.

Walter, Maude is having lunch on a Saturday with a man.

Arthur, they work in the same real estate office. What's the big deal?

Has it ever occurred to you that your wife is a married woman?

Yes, it has.

As a matter of fact, it occurred to me just last night around 11 .30.

Don't forget it also occurred to you again at around 2 .30 this morning.

2 .30?

I don't remember anything at 2 .30. I must have been asleep.

That explains a lot.

I tell you, Marty, it's a good thing you're not married to me.

A good thing? It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'll tell you something else.

I would never let Vivian go to lunch with another man.

Oh, come on. Now, Arthur, you won't even let Vivian make long -distance calls

since they started using mail operators.

Now, that is just not true.

I don't let Vivian make long -distance calls because she wastes money.

I mean, she was getting in the habit of calling home every time her mother had a

birthday.

Arthur, Morta's having lunch with a business associate who happens to be a

She didn't really think a meeting like this could mean a big commission.

Well, actually, honey, it's not a business luncheon. You see, Jeremy is

through a divorce, and he needs somebody to talk to.

You know, it's funny.

You'd think he'd have all the friends he needs. I mean, what with his rugged

good looks, his successful career, his fancy new car.

Good looks, career, fancy car?

Walter, you've got to be crazy to let Maude go to lunch with a guy that

outclasses you like that.

Look, Arthur, this really does not concern you. Now, why don't you go out

kitchen and get something to eat? No, I'm on a diet.

Then why don't you go into the kitchen and lose some weight?

Oh, I get it.

As I was saying, I've been holding Jeremy's hand through this divorce.

And we try to have lunch a couple times a week.

You have lunch together a lot? Oh, yes, yes, yes.

See, I'm the only one he can talk to. He told me that, Walter.

He did?

Oh, Walter, you know, I get such a warm feeling being with him. You know,

knowing that I'm helping out. A warm feeling?

A very, very warm feeling.

You know something, Walter? I pity, I pity poor Vivian.

She doesn't know what it's like to have a husband who understands a woman's need

to reach out to others.

You know, Walter, every morning when I wake up, the first thing I say is, thank

God Walter trusts me. You're not leaving this house, Morg.

Walter. Can't you see what you're doing? This guy turns you on.

Walter, you're talking like a jealous husband. I am a jealous husband. I don't

want you having lunch with this guy.

Walter, will you grow up? These are the 1970s. I'm not going to give up a

perfectly innocent lunch just because my husband doesn't want me to go out with

a man who's a little...

What's the word?

Dunning.

What? Walter, Jeremy and I share a sort of spiritual kinship.

Walter, we're friends, and that's all we are. Believe me, the relationship is

completely platonic. More the last person who had a platonic relationship

Plato.

Walter's right.

The only reason a man would have a platonic relationship with a woman is

he thinks he might get lucky.

Arthur.

Don't you believe in the basic decency of human beings?

No.

But let me explain something to you.

I'm a doctor. I've had years of medical training.

And I've learned something from all that.

And it's this.

Men and women are different.

I'm very glad you found that out, though.

Otherwise, you'd make a fool of yourself every time you went to buy a hat.

Oh, you know what Arthur means.

Men and women are weak. They can't be trusted with one another.

Some men and some women.

Now, look, just because you two have dirty minds is no need to object to my

having a perfectly innocent lunch with Jeremy Hubbard.

Jeremy Hubbard? You're having lunch with Jerry the Hunk?

Well, that's what you call him.

Walter, Hunk is just a figure of speech, like Buddy or Chum or... Or Stud.

Oh, Walter, you don't have to worry about Maude.

If it wasn't just an innocent little lunch, they'd be slipping off to some

hideaway like Cafe Alfredo, and she'd be wearing expensive perfume.

She is wearing expensive perfume.

I don't have any cheap perfume.

What about that perfume I gave you last Christmas? That was cheap.

Walter, I am not about to walk into the Café Alfredo smelling like pine salt.

Café Alfredo? We always have lunch there. Jeremy happens to like strolling

violins.

Finley, shame on you.

be allowed to be alone with each other.

Carol, I'm so glad you're here.

You're my daughter. I know you'll understand.

Mother, what is it?

Carol, I'm having lunch today with Jeremy Hubbard. Remember, you met him at

office. Well, Jeremy is going through a divorce and I'm the only one he can talk

to.

These people are condemning me for that.

Walter, my husband, whom I love more than anything on this earth.

Vivian, my dearest friend who has been closer to me than a sister.

And Arthur, Vivian's husband.

They're condemning you. Why?

They think it's going to lead to an affair.

An affair?

Oh, I am ashamed of you.

How dare you suspect the motives of a decent woman like my mother just because

your minds are in the gutter.

And to make matters worse, she would never think evil of any of you. And do

know why?

She has too much honor to ever conceive of dishonor in someone she loves.

Robert Browning.

Rhett Butler.

Oh, I love him.

Oh, Carol, Carol, what a wonderful daughter you are. What a treasure.

Mother, come on. Let's go in the kitchen and get a Kleenex and wipe your runny

nose.

Shame on you.

Carol, I am so glad you came to my rescue. You know, for a minute there, I

thought I was wrong. Oh, boy, are you wrong.

You are not leaving this house.

Carol. Call Jeremy and cancel the lunch.

Carol, I am your mother.

Don't you trust me?

Oh, Mother, of course I trust you.

But not when you're wearing that perfume.

I'll tell you, I have just about had it up to here with everyone.

All right, all right, this is it. Nobody trusts me. My husband, my daughter, my

friends. I'll tell you something.

I think that Jeremy Hubbard is a very attractive man.

So what?

Whether or not you trust me...

I trust me, and I am going to have lunch with Jeremy Hubbard. Goodbye.

Mort.

Mort.

Mort, please, before you go, I want to tell you a story.

There was a man who was very happily married.

He had his own little retail business, and he started having lunch with a girl

who worked for him.

He thought it was harmless, but all of a sudden, he was in love.

And it was fun for a while.

But then he thought of his wife.

He loved her very much.

So he broke it off with the girl.

But now, every night, that man has trouble sleeping.

He's plagued by guilt because of what he did.

And do you know who that man is?

Harry Fishbeck over at Byright Hardware.

Well, the worst thing about this divorce is that I think

Sheila's turning our son, Little Robbie, against me.

She keeps telling me... Would you bring me another double champagne cocktail,

please? Another one, Mrs. Finley?

Oh, no, you better make it two double champagne cocktails.

In case the bar gets crowded later.

Lord, this isn't like you. Now, I know something's wrong. Come on, tell me. No,

Jeremy, it's nothing. Absolutely nothing. Lord, please, confide in me.

Jeremy, Jeremy, please, compare to your problem.

This is drivel.

Now, look, the last thing I want to do is talk about me. We are here to talk

about you and only you.

Now, tell me, how is the divorce going?

Well, last night... It's Walter.

He doesn't trust me.

Walter doesn't trust you?

He thinks I am physically attracted to you.

And so does my daughter, and so do my friends.

I mean, how could they think such a thing? How could they think that? They

convinced that I am physically attracted to you. Why?

Well, I think it's because you're physically attracted to me.

Oh, it's obvious, Maude.

I mean, I can tell by the look in your eye.

Oh, Jeremy, I mean...

Is it silly to want to bite your eyebrows?

Oh, you're right, Jeremy, you're right.

I've been kidding myself.

I am attracted to you. I'm terribly attracted to you.

But it's not your fault, Jeremy. You're innocent.

I'm sure it's just me who feels this way.

Sergio, is it just me who feels this way?

No, Lord, I feel the same way.

I have since we first met.

Oh, Jeremy.

Jeremy, what do we do now? I mean, do we have to break off our friendship?

Well, it might be dangerous not to.

I mean, I have too much respect for you to take advantage of the situation.

Oh, Jeremy, I admire your integrity.

Well, I'm not the sort of guy who would let you risk your marriage for a few...

Brief moments of pleasure, Maude.

Oh, now, this is really silly.

Why should we have to break off our friendship?

Right. Look, my apartment's only five minutes away.

Jeremy!

That's not what I meant. I mean... I mean... We are physically attracted to

other. But so what? That's the way God made us. It doesn't mean we have to do

anything about it. It makes sense. Why ruin a...

beautiful friendship by falling in love.

Oh, Jeremy, I am so excited.

I am so excited.

You know, with so many grown -ups in this world, there are so few adults.

And we are adults.

Oh, you know what we're going to do, Jeremy? Right after lunch, to kick off

new adult relationship we have.

What are we going to do?

We're going to be very modern and very liberated. We're going to go right over

to my house and tell my husband all about it.

An hour and ten minutes.

How can anybody eat lunch for an hour and ten minutes?

You're getting all upset over nothing.

Now, Walter, just relax. Here.

Sit down.

Remember, you've got it all over this Jeremy guy.

You have been a wonderful husband to Martin.

Let's look at the record.

A few months ago, you went bankrupt and you attempted suicide.

Did you hold that against Maude?

No, sir.

You stood right by her.

Last year when she ran for the state senate, you left her.

But the moment she came to her senses and agreed to give up the race, you came

right back to her.

That's the kind of husband you've been.

Boy, what a rotten husband I've been.

I wonder what wants Jeremy.

Oh, Walter, you're just talking nonsense.

If Maude was going to leave you for Jeremy, she wouldn't be out having lunch

with him. Then she'd come right through that door and tell you to your face.

Hello, Walter. There you see.

Walter, this is Jeremy Hubbard.

Vivian, we'd better be going.

Jeremy, this is Dr.

Arthur Harmon. Oh, how do you do? How do you do? This is his wife, Vivian. Hi.

Hello.

Vivian?

Walter. Maud, you've got some nerve walking in here with this guy.

Walter. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

Walter, will you be quiet?

Now, Jeremy and I have something to tell you.

If you'd have the decency to listen, you'd realize how completely innocent it

is.

Okay, Mort, I'm sorry.

What do you have to tell me?

Walter, guess what?

Jeremy and I are sexually attracted to each other.

In spite of that, Walter, we feel, we know that we can have an innocent

relationship. Walter, you should be so proud of me. You should congratulate me.

Congratulations. I'll go up and pack.

Jeremy, maybe I should talk to Walter alone for a few minutes.

Why don't I wait in the next room?

I don't want you in my house.

Why don't I wait in the car?

Let me explain. Stop right there, Morton. This discussion is going to be

and sweet.

I forbid you to see Jeremy Hubbard ever again.

You forbid me, Walter?

You forbid me?

Let me put it another way.

Please don't see Jeremy Hubbard ever again.

Walter, don't you understand? Walter, I'm so excited about this.

Walter, I have learned something new.

Yeah, Jeremy turns you on. That's right.

But I know, Walter, that we can have a platonic relationship.

Oh, Walter, why should I have to give up a good friend like Jeremy, a friend who

needs me?

Walter, I'm so excited about this discovery. I feel like, like Madame

I feel like Eddie Fisher.

Let me tell you something, Walter. No matter what you say, I am not going to

change my mind. Maud.

Maud! If you go out that door, I'm going upstairs and pack.

Walter, you can't be serious.

Why not?

You don't know how to pack.

Well, what's the story with Walter? I think he's coming around.

Tell me, Jeremy, you are certain that we can have a platonic relationship,

aren't you?

I know we can.

Oh, good. Me too.

Now, tell me about the divorce. You know, I interrupted you at lunch.

Oh, Maude.

Here you are, worried about me, and you have problems of your own.

You are so thoughtful.

Oh, Jeremy, aren't all women?

Sheila isn't thoughtful.

In fact, Sheila isn't like you at all, Maude.

Well, Sheila's your wife. I'm your friend.

Sheila doesn't have your depth.

She doesn't have your compassion.

She doesn't have your lips.

Isn't this wonderful? I mean, the fact that we are able to talk about my lips.

Because we have a...

A completely harmless, platonic, totally innocent...

You

know, I think we just

learned a very valuable lesson.

If we want to continue keeping this marvelously platonic relationship, we

not meet in parked cars.

Only restaurants.

It's a very good idea.

Well -lit restaurants.

When we're with a group of six or more.

Whatever you say.

Maybe we should just talk on the phone.

Oh, Jeremy, we... It's obvious that we can't handle this.

I mean, I was wrong. I was wrong.

I... I was so sure we could pull this off.

We can, Maud. I know we can.

Let's give this platonic thing another chance. Oh, no.

Jerry, we have to stop seeing each other.

I mean, I love my husband very much, and I don't want to lose him because I feel

a little lust for you.

All right, a lot of lust.

Now, Jeremy, we have to say goodbye. I mean, this is ridiculous. You're just

going to have to make it through this divorce on your own.

Although, why Sheila would want to divorce a man like you, I will never

She doesn't understand platonic relationships.

What do you mean?

Well, do you remember Wanda Houston?

Of course, Sheila's best friend.

Well, I was having a platonic relationship with her, and Sheila caught

You are... You are terrible.

I... I was just another fling to you. I never want to see your face again. This

is goodbye.

Oh, God, you're gorgeous.

Walter, you were right.

You were right. No, Maud, you were right.

I can't pack worth a damn.

I mean, you were right about Jeremy.

We cannot have an innocent friendship. It's impossible.

What happened?

How did you find out?

All right, I'll tell you.

He kissed me.

He kissed you?

Jeremy kissed you? Oh, Walter, the minute it happened, I knew I was wrong

you were right. I told him we could never see each other again.

Walter, I feel so humiliated. It's all right, Maude. It's all right. Oh,

You're the only man in my life.

I've learned my lesson. I promise you I won't even think of Jeremy again.

Maude, I'm glad to hear you say that.

And since I'm the only man in your life again, do you know what I want you to

do? Anything, Walter. What?

I want you to meet me upstairs in our bedroom in exactly two minutes.

Oh, nothing would make me happier, Jeremy.

Walter.

Walter. Walter, it's okay.

But listen, repeat after me.

Walter. Walter. Walter.

Walter.