Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right on, Maud.

What exactly are you making? Oh, honey, this is a homemade fish plaque for the

Harmons. You just glue broken pieces of pottery to the wood so it looks like

scales. I thought they could hang it in their rumpus room next to the living

picture of the Mona Lisa.

A living picture of the Mona Lisa?

Yeah, you remember. You plug it in and she sticks out her tongue.

Oh, Carol.

You know, it's two weeks until Christmas and already I am filled with the spirit

of the holiday season. And I think...

that it's because of my rule that this year we only exchange simple homemade

gifts. It was a great idea.

Oh, isn't that adorable?

Is that cunning? Look, you're making a pincushion out of one of Walter's old

socks. Oh, that's lovely.

Who's it for?

It's for you.

You give your mother an old sock for Christmas.

Well, then you're not going to like Mrs. Naugatuck's present either.

She's making you a bookmark out of Walter's other sock.

I'm sorry. Actually, it's lovely.

Oh, Carol, this is going to be such a wonderful Christmas in spite of Walter's

bankruptcy. I mean, look at the marvelous things we've made. Just using

oatmeal boxes, aluminum foil, old cans.

I tell you, Carol, I am just flushed with the spirit of Christmas.

It's like a Hallmark card.

That's cute, Carol.

I'm going to put that on the card.

Gee, I hope my mother likes it.

Where's Walter?

Listen, you know, Walter may have some good news for us tonight.

Do you know that he flew to Boston this afternoon for an interview with Murray

Aviation?

Murray Aviation?

That sounds impressive.

Oh, he was so excited when the call came. Can't you just picture Walter in

aeronautics? I think it's perfect for him. I mean, can't you just see him as

executive in an exciting jet age industry?

Hello, Maud.

Hello, Carol.

What happened in Boston, Wally?

I got the job.

Oh, no.

That's fantastic.

Congratulations. That is marvelous.

What kind of job is it?

a merchandising manager, a plant supervisor, purchasing agent.

They hired me to sell nails. That was my very next guest.

Oh, Walter, this is wonderful.

Oh, honey, when do you begin?

After the first of the year.

They don't use nails on airplanes, do they?

How do you think they keep the wings on?

You know, Maude, Murray Aviation has nothing to do with airplanes.

What do you mean? All they make are nails.

Wait a minute, I don't understand. Why do they call it Murray Aviation? Because

that's the name of the guy who owns the place.

Murray Aviation.

I call on hardware stores. This is my sample case, and these are my samples.

I specialize in two -penny nails, six -penny nails, and ten -penny nails. Uh,

is that what they cost?

No, that's the size.

Two -penny nails are three -for -four then?

Six penny nails are seven for eight cents. And ten penny nails are a dime a

dozen.

That's fascinating.

Oh, Walter. Walter, I am so excited about this. Carol, aren't you excited

this? Yes, I'm very excited about it. You see, Walter, we're as excited about

this as you are. I'm not excited about this. Walter.

Let's face it, Mort.

It's a pretty ordinary job.

Oh, Walter, I think it's a great job.

have two of these nails? Sure.

Why?

Well, Mother didn't like the pin cushion I made for her.

I thought I could bend these into a nice pair of pierced earrings.

Carol, I don't have pierced ears.

You will when you put these on.

Rotten!

You know, Maude, I wish I got this job a couple of weeks ago. I mean, so we

could all afford to buy a decent Christmas present.

Honey, we're all so excited about the homemade gifts. Believe me, darling,

everybody in this house is just filled with the spirit of charity and self

-sacrifice. Isn't that right, Mrs. Nogatuck? When am I getting my flipping

Christmas bonus money?

Mrs. Nogatuck, I thought you understood.

We just don't have enough money to give you a bonus this year.

Oh, very well. Would you like to try one of my Christmas cookies?

That's what I'm giving everyone this year.

I'd love one.

No. None for you, Mr. Findlay. You're an alcoholic.

I put bourbon in these.

Really, Mrs. Naugatuck. Surely you don't think water's going to fall off the

wagon because of a Christmas cookie. Well, you never know. I had an uncle who

didn't touch a drop.

Then one day, he had a piece of rum cake.

He never drew a sober breath again.

All he had to go all over London, pulling him out of bakeries.

He ended up in the gutter with crumbs on his face.

Mrs. Nogatuck, you really don't expect us to believe that, do you?

No. But doesn't it make a nice Christmas story?

A merry Christmas.

Maud, what's that?

It's a lovely homemade bookmark.

Boy, what a lousy Christmas. People are giving each other my sock.

Geronimo, don't talk that way. You should be very happy.

Sweetheart, think of the trouble you've had getting work.

I mean, now you've suddenly found a meaningful career.

Felling nail.

Now, Walter, don't sneer at nails.

Selling nails is a real man's job. I mean, nails are so, so butch.

I'd feel a lot better about selling nails if I didn't know about Ned

appliance store.

What are you talking about? It's just sitting over there on Mohawk Street

waiting for somebody to run it right.

When Ned died last month, I thought his wife might make me an offer. I mean,

what does a 22 -year -old widow know about running a store?

She's queuing the business, Maude. Honey, forget about that.

Be thankful for what we have. Come in.

Marty, Walter, have you got a minute?

I want you to meet Dr.

Hubie Binder.

How do you do? How do you do, Dr. Ryan? Hello.

Dr. Binder's a colleague of mine down at the hospital.

In fact, I might tell you that he is one of the more prominent specialists on

the staff.

Oh, really?

What do you specialize in, doctor?

Real estate.

Real estate.

Sure, most doctors specialize in the stock market or pork.

Tell me, Dr.

Binder, do you also practice medicine?

Does he practice medicine?

This is one of the leading foot doctors in Westchester County.

He'd be too modest to tell you, but Hubie here used to do Jacqueline

toes.

Come on, Arthur, that was a long time ago.

Can I get you guys a drink? No, thanks. This is going to be short and sweet.

Oh, boy. Are you in for a surprise?

Walter, you know Ned Hinkley's appliance store.

Well, Hubie and I just bought it from the widow Hinkley.

You're kidding.

No. And we want you to come in with us as a full partner.

We supply the money. You supply your know -how and your name.

Findley's Friendly Appliances.

Walter, Walter, did you hear that? It's fantastic.

That's great.

Well, what do you say?

Actually, I'd like to think it over.

Walter, what do you mean?

Well, Walter, we need you to start right away.

Tomorrow. This is the height of the Christmas season. Arthur, I really

appreciate it, but I'd have to give it a lot of thought.

Walter, honey, could I see you in the kitchen, please? Excuse us.

Just, uh, we'll be back in a jiffy.

You crazy?

What do you mean you have to give

it some thought? This is the chance of a lifetime.

Lord, Arthur is my best friend.

It's a mistake to be in business with friends.

Look, you cannot afford to let this opportunity pass by.

Now, don't think of Arthur as a friend. Stretch your imagination.

Think of him as a doctor.

I'm afraid to risk losing a lifelong friendship with a guy I love.

I think I'm better off selling nails.

Will you? What kind of a job for a man is selling nails?

You just... Look, if you think you're going to have difficulties with Arthur,

why don't you lay down some ground rules?

Why don't you go out there and tell them you have to be in complete control and

they are simply silent partners?

Do you think they'd go for that? Well, of course.

All right, I'll go out there and lay it on the line.

Well?

It's a deal. But only on one condition.

Now, I have to have complete control.

You guys are just my silent partners.

Certainly. Naturally. We wouldn't want it any other way.

After all, you know appliances, and we know medicine. I'd no more try to tell

you how to order washing machines than you'd tell me to prescribe tetracycline

for a strep throat.

Penicillin.

What? It's penicillin for a strep throat.

Whatever.

Arthur, it's a deal. Ah, Walter, old pal.

Can you believe it? We are in business together.

Arthur, you saved my life. My old buddy. Oh, this is wonderful.

My chump.

Maud.

I'm so happy.

Perfect. Just what the tree needed, a little snow.

Mrs. Finlay, I'm going up to have dinner with Bert. You can take the turkey out

in 20 minutes. Oh, thank you, dear.

Oh, doesn't the tree look beautiful?

Thank you. Of course, Bert strung the lights and Carol put up the ornaments

Philip threw the tinsel on before they left for Vermont.

Oh, it's lovely.

I put the snow on.

That's the only thing that doesn't work for me.

It's Christmas.

Has Mr. Findlay come back from the store yet? Oh, please, Mrs. Naugatuck, don't

talk about Mr. Findlay and the store.

Why? What's the matter? I don't know.

He should be the happiest man on earth. I mean, he's running a big appliance

store again, which is exactly what he wanted. He's miserable.

But why?

I don't know.

He's so... Such a typical man. He's so tight -lipped, he'd do anything on Earth

except come right out and say what's on his mind.

I'm gonna kill Arthur Herman!

Pay attention. I think he's starting to drop some clues.

Morty, what is it? Lord, I can't keep it in any longer. Arthur is driving me

crazy!

He's been down at the store every day!

He's offering discounts on what we can't afford.

He's ordering junkie merchandise.

We're losing money because of him. Look, Arthur agreed he would not interfere.

He thinks he's helping, but he's driving everybody crazy.

My repairman, Luis Escobar, is trying to get himself deported as an illegal

alien.

Honey, why didn't you tell me this before?

What?

You've been so terrific through my bankruptcy that I didn't want to spoil

Christmas after everything you've done.

Oh, look at that tree. It's beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

Actually, Bird and Carol and Philip did most of the work, but I put the snow on.

That's the only thing I don't like.

You may sit down. I want to tell you something.

I'm thinking of calling Dr. Binder Monday and telling him I'm not the right

for the job. Oh, Walter, no. I don't know what else to do. I can't take it

anymore!

Yes?

Ma 'am, would you care to make a contribution to a very worthy cause?

Oh, you're collecting for Campbell's chunky chicken?

Oh, no, ma 'am. I'm collecting for Easterseals.

Easterseals? This is Christmas.

Easter is four months away.

Oh.

Well, no wonder I didn't see any eggs on your lawn.

Oh, wait a minute. I think I can give you something.

Oh, thank you. And may I say, that's a very lovely tree you have there.

Well, thank you very much. I put the snow on.

Well, don't you worry.

That'll be our little secret.

Walter, honey, you can't quit this job. Now, this is everything you wanted. I

mean, you're a partner in your own store again.

Findlay's Friendly Appliances. Look, Arthur and Viv are going to be here in

a few minutes. Why don't you level with them? I can't. Arthur would be crushed.

Remember, he's been like a brother to me for almost 30 years, since we were in

the army together. Yes, and remember, he is also the same Arthur Harmon who shot

you in the foot during basic training.

It was an accident, Mort.

Honey, do me a favor, will you? Please, please, just try to hold on a little

longer. I mean, let's just have a nice, friendly Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas, Mort!

What a beautiful tree.

Who put the snow on?

Walter.

Well, the snow makes the whole tree for me.

It's really Arthur.

Marty, Walter, Merry Christmas.

Wait a minute, Arthur. I thought we decided we were not going to exchange

valuable gifts this year.

But this is the Jackson Portable Home Laundry.

It washes, rinses, spins, dries, and fluffs. It does five things, five

things all at the same time. They call it the Jackson Five.

I'm just going to take it out and hook it up in the kitchen.

Arthur wants you to see how it works.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells.

Take off your shirt, Walter.

What? What for?

I want to wash it.

Marty, why don't you take off your... My what?

Forget it, Marty.

Come on, Walter, be a good sport.

Come on, Walter, old buddy, it's Christmas.

I mean, how is it going to get that little machine to go through a whole

in five minutes? Oh, for just a single shirt, it takes a lot less time than

that. The machine's all ready.

Oh, good.

Put Walter's shirt through the mini -cycle.

How on earth did you find that machine?

I picked them up at a distress sale down at the freight yard.

They are going to sell like hotcakes.

There she goes.

Wait a minute, Arthur. A distress sale?

How many of them did you buy?

Well, partner, get this.

Normally, they wholesale for $300.

But these were just one and a quarter each.

So, I managed to pick up three dozen of them for the store.

Three dozen?

How about that? Isn't that incredible?

Arthur, that's $4 ,500.

About the Jackson 5? How about that? Your shirt's finished already.

Oh, it's finished, all right.

Oh, hey, your shirt.

Mort,

I can't take it anymore.

I'm going to have one of Mrs.

Naugatuck's Christmas cookies.

No, Walter. Mort, I want one. I need a cookie!

First it's one cookie, then it's two cookies. Next thing you know, it's the

weekend. Give it up!

You see, Walter?

You see how the cookies crumble?

Arthur, how could you do this? You're dumb. You're stupid.

You're incompetent. Walter, I am shocked.

That is no way to talk to Santa Claus.

That would be some good explanation.

Viv probably just pushed the wrong button. There's only one button, Arthur.

I'm not blaming you, Viv. I know you don't read Korean.

Walter, let me talk to him. I'll reason with him. Ward, you can't reason with

him. Then I'll lie to him, which will be more fun.

Arthur's very upset. He's out there saying Walter doesn't appreciate what

been doing for the store.

Oh, listen, Viv, why don't you open your present? It's right there under the

tree. Which one is it? The one shaped like a smoked salmon.

Arthur.

Walter's being very unfair.

Arthur, Walter is my husband, and I probably should not be saying this, but

he ever thanked you for all the work you've done down at the store, all the

hours you put in? Want a bite?

No, thanks.

Well, Walter's been awfully busy.

Oh, come on, Arthur. I think Walter's behavior is disgraceful. That's true.

I hate the appliance business.

I don't belong in it. I'm a doctor.

I belong in condominiums.

Arthur, you know what I would do if I were you? I would give Walter exactly

he deserves. I would go out there and tell him that I am selling out.

You are absolutely right, Marty.

But wait, I can't tell him just like that. I would never do anything to hurt

Walter's feelings.

Oh, well, then why don't you tell him you're selling out because you're too

with your medical practice? See, that way he can save face.

That's good.

You know, he may be a hard person to be in business with, but...

Well, it's a good old boy.

Not many guys would be your friend for 30 years.

Especially not after you shot them in the foot.

I haven't thought about that for a long time.

Walter thinks about it every time it rains.

Ma, this is not only shaped like a smoked salmon, it even looks like a

salmon. What is it? A tuna.

I have something to tell you. I hope you'll understand.

Sure, Arthur.

I have to make a choice.

I have to make a choice between the appliance business and saving lives.

It's not an easy decision to make.

But frankly, there's more money in saving lives.

Arthur, what do you mean? I have decided to sell out Walter, and I'm going to

sell my share to you.

Not to Dr. Binder.

I'll go down to the bank with you and help you arrange a loan. Now, how's

Oh, Arthur. My buddy.

Oh, God bless us each and every one. Come on, everybody, sit down at the

We're going to have a delicious Christmas Eve dinner.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

I'm raising money for Halloween.

To buy pumpkins for the needy.

Here. Here's the dollar.

One lousy dollar?

Do you know how much it cost me to come all the way over here in a taxi cab?

Thank you very much, Mrs.

Scrooge.

It's Christmas.

Oh, excuse me, sir. Excuse me.

Yes, ma 'am. Have you had dinner yet?

Why, no, I haven't. Good.

The colonel is running a special.

Corn and cluck for under a buck.

Bye.