All language subtitles for maude_s05e12_the_rip-off

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And don't forget now, the movie tonight
is my treat.

I'm celebrating my new job. That's
right. You know, Walter sold his first

Toyota today.

Oh, does that mean we have to go see a
Japanese movie?

Some of these X -rated movies are
absolutely scandalous.

I wouldn't be caught dead in one.

How about this one, Arthur? You like
westerns. Painted Desert Pervert.

Here it is.

Here's what I want to see.

Grizzly Leroy. Oh, come on, Walter. Be
serious.

I am serious, Walter. I saw the ad on
TV. It's supposed to be great.

What's it about?

It's about a man named Leroy who lives
in a mountain cabin with a grizzly bear.

You mean a man and a grizzly bear live
in the same cabin? How could that

Well, when the bear decided to move in,
there wasn't much Leroy could do about

it.

You know what I want to see? There's a
Charles Bronson festival on at the

Somerset. And here, tonight's double
feature is Death Wish and Mr. Majestic.

Wow. Death Wish. Is that the one where
Charles Bronson goes around killing

muggers? That's right.

Ooh. Why would he do that?

Well, because they raped his daughter
and murdered his wife.

Ooh.

What do they do in Mr. Majestic?

They take his stereo.

refuse to see any movie that encourages
people to take the law in their own

hands. And you shouldn't see it either,
Arthur. I mean, you're already

hysterical just because there have been
a few burglaries in the neighborhood.

I'm not hysterical, Maude. I just think
we ought to take a few common sense

precautions, like forming a citizen's
patrol.

Armed with guns.

There's nothing wrong with guns in the
hands of people who know how to use

Maude. Like me.

I was in the army. These hands were
trained to kill.

I thought you learned that in medical
school.

with Mort, Arthur.

We don't need guns. They only lead to
trouble. Now, come on, everybody. Stop

arguing. I want to go see Grizzly Leroy.
Me, too.

I guess I don't mind seeing Grizzly
Leroy. Now, just a minute. Now, how

me? Nobody even knows what I want to
see.

What's the difference, Mort? You're
outnumbered three to one.

Well, you three go on without me. Oh,
Mort. No, no, no. It's all right, honey.

don't want to spoil your good time. And
you know something? I'm really kind of

looking forward to an evening at home
alone watching television.

Oh.

I want you to go to the movies with us.

Look, I refuse to sit through Grizzly
Leroy. Now, what kind of a movie is that

for adults?

I mean, it doesn't even feature a big
-name bear.

I really enjoyed that movie. I didn't
know that bears could be so personable.

I liked the part where they first met.
There he was with his leg caught in the

bear trap and he's grunting and
snorting.

Yeah? Leroy was lucky that bear came
along and let him out.

Well, that's funny. Ward left the door
unlocked. I'll just go and get the

lights.

What?

What?

What?

What? What?

Are you all right?

Did you see them? Did you see what they
looked like? I'll never forgive myself.

Look at this. Walter.

I'm not going to leave you alone like
this. Walter. The face was unprotected.

Walter. What?

Tell me.

Say it.

What is it?

Untie me.

The police will be right over.

Oh.

Marty, are you all right?

How are you?

Maude. Maude, are you all right? Say
something.

Oh, I feel terrible.

Get her a chair.

Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Maude, did they hurt you?

No.

Maude, did they... You know?

Did they abuse you?

No. You sure?

I was here, Vivian.

What is it, Marty?

What did they do?

They came into my house.

My house. My house. They came into my
house.

Arthur, get her a chair.

Oh, it was terrible.

I mean, these two men came in and gagged
me and tied me up and then took

everything from our house.

Our home.

Our sanctuary. Oh, my poor Mort.

If it had been a fire or a flood or a
tornado, I wouldn't have felt so

I wouldn't have had this awful feeling
of violation.

I knew it.

Morty, let me get you a sedative. No,
I'm all right. Just get me a chair.

Oh, it was such a shock.

Listen, Walter, don't you think we
should get in touch with our insurance

Chick Sears. I know him. I'll call him.
Thanks, Arthur.

Oh, this makes me furious.

I mean, a couple of punks come into my
house and tie up my wife.

How do you suppose they got in? I don't
know, Vivian. I was sitting in a chair,

and the next thing I knew, I was being
tied up and gagged. You didn't hear them

come in?

No. You see, I had just sat down and
turned on television to watch the

and to kneel and...

I couldn't have been asleep more than
two minutes when it happened.

It must have been awful.

It was.

Their special guests were Donnie and
Marie Osmond.

Finale resident?

Oh, officer, thank God you're here. Now
you have to help us. Please do

something. Okay, okay, take it easy,
take it easy.

I'm Officer Lopez.

Oh, I'm Maud Findlay, my husband Walter,
our neighbors, Dr. and Mrs. Harmon.

Carry on.

It was simply terrible. Two men came in
here and just cleaned out our old house.

How did you get here so quickly?

I was around the corner when I got the
call.

I'll go make some coffee.

Oh, tell me, could you describe these
two men, lady?

Not really. You see, they had stockings
over their faces, but the shorter one

probably had a weak chin.

How could you tell? That he was wearing
suppos.

Ah, I'm sorry, I can't make any coffee.
They took the stove.

What are you writing?

A stove.

Hey, do you know, I can't figure it out.

How did they get all that stuff out of
here?

They backed a van up to our front door.

That could be a clue, Maud.

Maybe they were with a moving company.

No, I don't think so. They work too
fast.

Well, where were your neighbors?

Didn't they see anything?

Yes, they saw Grizzly Leroy.

Okay, look, I'll turn this over to the
detectives, and I'll have them check out

the van. Oh, thank you, officer. Hey,
but don't expect too much. It's probably

stolen. Wait a minute.

Two men come into the house, steal
everything, tie up my wife, and the cops

can't do anything?

You people never learn, do you?

Learn what?

Well, you blame the police, but you
don't do anything to protect yourselves.

What are you talking about?

You got a burglar alarm?

No. Of course not. And what about iron
bars for your windows?

I mean, they're so expensive.

And is it too expensive to put triple
locks on your doors?

We thought about that.

You know, I bet you don't even have an
attack dog.

I guess we're very careless people.

Don't blame yourselves.

Que sera, sera.

Whatever that means.

Well, Marty, maybe you'll listen to me
now.

This neighborhood needs a well -armed
citizens patrol and quick.

Please, Arthur, I don't want to hear
another word about citizens patrols and

guns. I mean, particularly not after all
I've been through.

Oh, Walter.

Oh, Walter.

Our break front.

What about it?

That's where I kept things that had
sentimental value to me.

Carol's baby pictures were in there.

Oh, how am I going to replace Carol's
baby pictures? Oh, there, there, Maude.

You can just take another one.

Arthur, I think we ought to go now.
Yeah, I think you're right.

I'll get it.

Hi, Chick. Here's Chick. Hello, Doc. Oh,
Vivian.

Maude, look.

Chick's in his jammies. He got out of
bed to come over.

Oh, Chick, thanks so much for coming
over. Well, good night, folks. You've

business to talk about.

Now, what's all this about a robbery?

Why don't you sit down on the sofa and
we'll tell you all about it.

Oh, boy. They really cleaned you out,
didn't they?

Well, don't worry. It's not so bad.

Sure would. We could buy all new
furniture.

I mean, won't that be fun?

That would be nice.

That's the spirit. And I can have a
check to you by the end of the week.

Terrific. That's wonderful.

Now, that sofa, you bought that when you
were married, right?

That's right.

For $600.

Well, I want you to know that you're
going to get at least $60 for that sofa

alone.

$60? How can we get only $60 for a $600
sofa?

Well, we have to figure in our annual
depreciation. But don't sneer at that

I guarantee you it's a lot more than
those trucks will be able to get for

sofa.

Guess he really took those guys for a
ride.

That's the spirit.

Now, Chick, just a minute.

We're talking about a whole house full
of furniture.

How much money are we going to get to
replace all that?

Well, this is just a ballpark figure.
Now, don't hold me to this, but it's

to be...

Well over $1 ,800.

$1 ,800 for an entire house full of
furniture?

You're upset. I know how you feel.

You're probably just kicking yourselves
because you don't have an attack dog.

Oh, Chick, I promise you next time you
come, we'll have an attack dog.

That's the spirit.

Boy, that does it.

I'm going to help Arthur form a
citizen's patrol.

Walter, not with guns. Yes, Ward, with
guns.

Thieves just walked into my house and
robbed me blind.

Look, I am upset with Chick, too.

I'm not talking about Chick. I'm talking
about those other crooks.

I mean, I'm going over to Arthur. A man
can only take so much. Look, look, now

you're excited. Walter, let me get you a
glass of milk.

That'll calm you down, and then we can
discuss this whole thing rationally.

They took the refrigerator.

Walter.

right over there.

Uh, thank you, dear. Now, look, would
you give me a hand?

Well, I think the living room is really
shaping up.

Shaping up? We should put a sign
outside, Looters Welcome.

But you know what's really important?

The way all the neighbors just pitched
in and donated furniture.

You know, look at this, Carol.

Carol.

It's a collector's item.

From the estate of the late Bela Lagovi.

Imagine what they would have given a
neighbor they liked.

Where's Walter?

He's over at Arthur's house. They're
having a meeting to discuss forming a

citizen's patrol.

Oh, they're not really going through
with that. I'm afraid so.

Mother, I don't know how you keep your
spirits up.

I mean, first you go through the ordeal
of the robbery, and then you have to

watch the neighborhood men running
around playing vigilante.

Oh. You know, Carol, when I was a little
girl, my mother told me two things

about men that are really true. And the
first one is that all men are

essentially little boys.

But, Mother, they're going to carry
guns.

They're not acting like little boys.

Those men are just plain dumb.

That's the second thing my mother told
me.

operating table.

Vivian, what am I going to do with it? I
thought you could use it for a dining

room table. You could have a stand -up
dinner for six.

Or a lie -down dinner for one.

Oh, look at that old television set. Oh,
it's got one of those magnifying

bubbles on the front and everything. Who
gave that to you? I don't know. Who

did, Carol?

I don't know either.

Just came with a note signed anonymous.

I guess I'm not as well -liked as I
thought.

Well, I'll see you later.

Philip and I are taking Mrs. Nogatuck to
the movies.

I hope you're not taking Philip to see
Gridley Leroy.

There's something basically unhealthy
about a relationship between a man and a

bear.

No, we're going to see that new Disney
film, The Lamb Who Kicked Field Goals

the Lions.

You know, Maude, you've never really
told me any details about your robbers.

Well, Viv, I... I really don't like to
talk

about it. But did they, you know...

Did

they abuse you?

No, Viv. Oh, Ma, now come on. You can
tell me the truth.

Didn't they abuse you? No, Viv. Are you
sure? I am sure.

Not anywhere?

Well... Yes?

The big one.

Yes?

When he put me in the chair and he
gagged me and tied me up.

I think he fixed that crick in my neck.

Oh,

Vivian, there you are. I need you at
home to help prepare refreshments for

Citizens Committee patrol.

Come on, Ward, huh?

Why don't you change your mind and come
to the meeting?

You could help, too.

I refuse to have anything to do with a
group that carries guns.

Maude, let's get this straight once and
for all.

Guns are necessary.

Criminals are carrying guns.

Don't you think that innocent victims
should have the same right?

And besides, under the Constitution,
every American has the right to bear

That's only for the purpose of forming a
militia.

Well, that's exactly what we're doing,
forming a militia.

Criminals will stay out of this
neighborhood once they know that we're

will I.

Now, if it were up to me, all guns would
be outlawed.

Outlawed guns?

Surely you jest.

our independence from the British with
guns.

We settled the West with guns.

Where would this country be if it wasn't
for guns?

One thing, Abraham Lincoln would still
be alive.

Well, you have to take the bad with the
good.

Oh, but how can you even think about
carrying guns, Arthur? Walter told me

when you two were in the army, you shot
yourself in the foot.

That is a lie.

That's not what I told you, Mort. He
shot me in the foot.

Well, it kept you from going overseas.

Kept you from going overseas, too.

Once and for all, I refuse to have
anything to do with your Mickey Mouse

militia.

Arthur, is that what you're going to
call your patrol? The Mickey Mouse

Maude, how could you take this so
lightly? Three days ago, we were robbed.

Please come to the meeting.

Taking it lightly, Walter, this is a
matter for the police. All right,

let's forget about Maude. Come on,
Vivian, it's time to start the meeting.

go on. I'll be right there. I want to
talk to Maude for a minute.

Maude, listen, you've just got to come
to this meeting tonight.

Oh, not me, Viv. Maude, you're the only
one who might convince them not to carry

guns. Maude, guns scare me. I don't want
Arthur going around shooting people in

the feet.

Vivian, what could I do?

You could just tell them how you feel.

They'll listen to you.

You've just been through a robbery.

You were bound and gagged. People always
listen to someone who's bound and

gagged.

Viv, do you really think I could help?
Of course. The neighbors respect you.

Oh, come on, Viv. You can look around
this room and tell me the neighbors

respect me.

They respect you.

They just don't like you.

So you really got two choices.

First, you can use the .38 special I
just showed you, which the police

But that takes a lot of skill.

So what I suggest is one of these.

12 -gauge pump shotgun with a hot load.

You can drop a guy at 20 yards with one
of these.

And the beauty is, even a child can use
it.

Excuse me, Maude Findlay.

Pardon me, but aren't you Eddie Hanks
from Eddie's Gun and Fun Shop?

That's right, ma 'am.

Well, I have a question.

Isn't it illegal for citizens to carry
shotguns around on the street?

Well, it is, and it isn't.

Thank you for clearing that up.

The thing is, it's illegal to carry them
on a private patrol, but it's not

illegal if you're going hunting.

So what you do is... You

hang one of these babies on your belt.

Cops think you're a hunter.

Tommy, could you also tie a deer to the
fender of your car?

That's good, too.

If they're in season.

Look, ladies and gentlemen, neighbors.

Friends, I would like to say just a few
words. Marty, why don't you let Eddie

finish what he has to say?

Arthur, let Maude talk. She's the one
who was robbed.

Thank you, Vivian. She's the one who was
bound and gagged by two vicious

criminals. Thank you, Vivian. And God
knows what else they did to her. All

right, Vivian.

Now, look, Arthur, I'm just going to say
my piece, and then I'll leave.

Now, here's what I want to say. If you
neighbors want to form a citizen's

to sort of walk the street and check on
things, that is one thing, but carrying

guns is quite another.

I mean, we're neighbors. We're friends.

We should help each other. Why, when
Walter and I were robbed a few days ago,

you people pitched in and helped, and
that's what neighbors are for, not for

shooting and killing.

Now, believe me, no furniture is worth a
human life.

Certainly not the furniture that's over
in my house.

Thank you.

Uh, Miss Finley?

Just for that, I sure would like my TV
set back.

That figures.

Don't listen to her, folks. What does
she know? Wait a minute, Arthur.

You know, Maude might be right.

We don't really need guns.

Oh, come on, Walter. Not you too.

Now, there's no need to be afraid of
guns.

Look, maybe we could use little .22
pistols like this.

Now, these are safe, aren't they, Eddie?

Sure, they got a special safety catch.

Where's that?

It's right there on the back. Just flip
it up. Like this? Yeah.

Good,

I'll tell him.

Goodbye.

Arthur, I just talked to the hospital.
You can stop worrying. Dr. Scholl says

Eddie's foot's going to be as good as
new.

I feel awful.

Imagine me, a surgeon, a healer,
shooting somebody in the foot.

In peacetime.

I guess Maude was right.

Yes, she sure was.

We shouldn't be carrying guns.

At least not until they iron the bugs
out of those safety catches.

Isaac, maybe you can carry little knives
if it would make you feel better.

No, I'm no good with knives.

Maude was right.

We're neighbors.

We should just...

Look out for each other. Keep our eyes
open.

We don't need to carry weapons.

You know, I think you owe Maude an
apology.

I do, too.

Come on, let's go over there.

Okay.

I want to be the one to tell Maude what
happened.

Because, after all, I was the one that
started all the trouble. Yeah, I think

that's a good idea.

With just a few burglaries in the
neighborhood, I panicked.

I'll admit it.

I panicked. I forgot, just for a second,
for a moment, that this is America.

The safest country in the world. Go to
it, Arthur. Right.

I really want to thank you, Officer
Lopez, for finding our furniture. We're

looking forward to having it again.
Well, that's what we're paid for, Mrs.

Finlay. But, I mean, you were so brave
chasing that van down the highway on

motorcycle. Well, yeah.

Danger is our business, ma 'am.

insurance agent asked me to ask you one
question now when the van hit the

utility pole the rear doors flew open is
that right that's right yes well what

he wants to know is how fast was our
sofa going when it hit you