Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Angel flat, she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That one compromising, enterprising,

anything but tranquilizing. No, no, no.

I've never been so humiliated in my life. I mean, the nerve of them, Arthur

Vivian, our best friends, just ignoring us in the driveway.

Maud.

The McGraths are their friends, and the Hormons took them into their house for a

drink, and they didn't invite us. What's the big deal?

Walter, if I wanted logic, I would have married Barbara Walters.

If I wanted money, you would have married Barbara Walters.

Walter, I mean, the nerve of them. They claim they're our best friends. We

always include them when we have people over. Maybe the McGraths don't like us.

Oh, please, Walter, how could anyone not like us?

We're intelligent. We're exciting. We're attractive.

My looks are going.

Be lucky if I get one more season out of this space.

Oh, Walter, level with me. Tell me I'm over the hill.

Maud, that's ridiculous.

Of course.

It's not me.

It's you.

That sport coat is embarrassing.

Oh, Walter, the nerve of them. The nerve. of them. You know, dull people,

people they bring over to our house in droves.

But the head psychiatrist at the hospital, the head psychiatrist, Walter,

they guard for their lives.

Mort, how do you know that Channing and Hortense McGrath aren't dull and boring?

Oh, please, Walter, the leading psychiatrist in the area, dull and

I mean, just imagine the fascinating stories he can tell about his patients.

Mort, psychiatrists aren't allowed to talk about their patients. If they

talk about their patients, they'd be dull and boring.

Dr. McGrath.

Horta. What a pleasant surprise we were just talking about you. I hope we're not

intruding. Not at all.

Where are Arthur and Vivian? We didn't want to have that drink with them.

Horta. Please.

We didn't want to have that drink with them.

So we excused ourselves and said we were going over to choir practice.

And then we sneaked over here.

Because we didn't want to leave without getting to know you both a little

better. Just saying hello in the driveway. We both got good feelings

two. Just saying hello.

Now, please, please, come in, come in, come in, Walter.

Look who sneaked over on their way to choir practice.

The Dr.

McGraths. Without the harmon? Without the harmon. Oh, Mort, I've been so

to meet you. And you too, Walter.

You don't get to meet very many liberal people at the hospital unless you spend

all your time in the natural childbirth clinic.

You see, Walter, I told you they wouldn't be dull.

We're not dull.

How about a drink?

Oh, something that won't swell the capillaries in my nose.

A double scotch.

Likewise.

Oh, Maud, Maud, I've heard so much about you.

Protester of everything, backer of lost causes, married four times.

Well, Channing, I believe we should all do what we do best.

Oh, Maud, I knew when I heard about you that you were definitely primo primo.

Sir, did you hear that? We are primo primo.

Primo primo. Isn't that a cigar?

He's a funny person, Channing. Thank you. You know, Channing, I just finished

reading the most stimulating think piece in the New Republic. Definitely primo

primo. It was written by... Lord, Walter, may I say something to you

Oh, please, Channing.

Frankly is the only way we talk in this house. That's right, Walter.

Frankly, no.

I like them, Channing. Oh, Hortense, permit me.

We like you.

Right, Horty?

Right. Now, about Vivian and Arthur, we're very fond of them. They're lovely

people, but we are definitely not on the same wavelength. Oh, please, Channing,

there's no need to explain. I mean, it's perfectly obvious.

They are our closest friends, and they're wonderfully warm, dear, sweet

beings, but...

Well, in a sophisticated world of Alpege, Lanvin, Fabergé, they are

aquavelva.

I'd rather like that myself.

You are a witty woman, Maud. Now, wait a minute, Maud. You know, Arthur is my

best friend, and he's not square.

As a matter of fact, he's primo primo.

Please, Walter, you're defending a man who eats pastrami on raisin bread.

Thank you, Channing. Thank you.

Now, about this think piece. It concerned itself with the cutback in

research in parapsychology. And for the psychiatrist... Maude, I'm sorry. I'm

interrupting you again. But there's something I have to say.

Of course, Channing. Go ahead. Thank you, Maude.

Maude, you're a very attractive woman. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.

Now, if that's chauvinistic, so be it.

But I love your mind, too.

And I love your taste.

I mean, just look what you've done with this room.

I mean, your sense of color is marvelous.

The grapes are perfect, and I'd like to go to bed with you.

this think piece.

You see, it concerns itself with cutbacks in grants for research on

parapsychology. And I... And I...

And I... You're uncomfortable.

And I'm uncomfortable.

That's not unusual even with now people like yourselves. But before we do

anything, we have to find out if Hortense feels the same way about

We do.

Oh, sure, sure.

Corny?

Well... Mort,

I want to see you in the kitchen.

Mort, kitchen!

Uh, Walter wants to see me in the kitchen.

Now!

Now.

I would have Kleenex in the kitchen.

Can you believe that?

The nerve of him coming on like that.

The nerve of him. The nerve of him. He really was coming on, wasn't he?

Oh, Walter.

Walter, he's not to blame.

Oh, it's all my fault.

I guess I'm just too much stimulation for some people to handle.

My looks are coming back.

Thank you, face.

Now that you're finished thanking your face, I want you to go out there and

them that we have plans for tonight and get rid of them. Get rid of them? Get

rid of them, Walter. That would be rude.

Rude?

A couple of aging crazies want to go to bed with us and you're worried about

being rude?

Walter, aren't you the least bit curious about what makes them tick?

No.

What is it you want to say?

That you're turned on because you're flattered? How dare you?

I am not turned on.

I may be flattered.

I mean, who wouldn't be?

Okay, Mort.

You want to play witchy? Is that what you want? Of course not, Walter.

Why are you standing there making them cheese and crackers?

We should be out there making a citizen's arrest.

Walter, don't you understand? We have a pair of bona fide wife -throppers

sitting right out in our living room. Walter, I have never seen one before.

Except on the Merv Griffin show.

And then I really didn't learn anything because the transvestite kept

interrupting.

Merv Griffin is a transvestite? No!

Are you trying to tell me that you approve of these people? Walter, it is

place to approve or disapprove. I simply say live and let live.

Because, Walter, I am interested in all people.

All people.

Walter, if two pygmies were to walk in here right now, I would want to know all

about them.

What they eat, how they worship, what card games they play.

Because unlike you, Walter, I am tolerant of all people.

Snack time.

Carol!

Nothing, dear. Just keep away from Channing. His wife has a cold.

Well, you're getting squirrelier every day.

You make beautiful daughters, Maude. Thank you. You should see her in the

morning completely flat -chested.

Oh, Walter, you're a saint.

My nose would go to bed with you in a minute.

Oh, it sounds like a fun gathering.

I'll see you later, Mother. I've got a date with Andy. Oh, wonderful, dear. I

know you're going to have a grand evening.

Goodbye, dear. Have a good time. We will. We're going to a swap meet.

Now, listen to me, Channing.

Channing, I am a very broad -minded woman, but Carol happens to be my

Oh, Maude, what do I want with a child when you're around?

Well, I'm sorry, Channing. I'm looking for maturity.

Buy savings bonds.

Walter, please.

Poor Dan Channing. I don't know how to say it. Walter is horrified.

And I really feel that I have to apologize to both of you for his

How do you feel about it, Ward?

How do I?

How do I feel?

How should I feel?

I'm an intelligent woman.

I am a sophisticated woman. I am a mature... Tell me, do you ever solo or

always work as a team?

I beg your pardon, Lord.

I mean, what do you take us for, Lord?

Well, I mean, what kind of people do you think we are?

I mean, we are people of very high principles. We don't cheat on each

We do not cheat on each other. We have...

very strict rules.

Our moral standards are the highest.

We are people of integrity.

We do not take our marriage vows lightly.

Have you made your mind up yet about Walter?

No. I like him as a person, and he's funny, but I don't know. I'm

just not sure.

Oh, tell me, Walter, is there anything I don't know about you right now that

might prove to be stimulating?

Of course he's stimulating.

Hortense, my husband happens to be a very, very exciting human being.

Are you sure?

Oh, Channing, I wish I could feel more... different.

Take my word for it, Walter.

Hortense is full of surprises.

Still waters run deep.

Oh, thank you, Channing.

Oh, what the heck. I can be a good sport and go with Walter if you're so sold on

Maude.

Uh -huh.

What? I'd like to see you in the kitchen for a moment.

Of course.

Of course.

Uh, we need more ice.

There was something like that. Something... I think we're in business.

We found a couple of live ones.

Walter, would you stop?

Look at what we've learned already.

Walter, they don't cheat.

They're faithful to each other. They have very high moral standards.

Walter, they respect their marriage vows. Oh, that is not Mr.

and Mrs. Pat Boone out there.

I think it's very encouraging that Maud got rid of her daughter, don't you?

I think I'd better use my nose drops.

Now that I've made my decision, I don't want to turn him off with a stuffy nose.

Oh, Horty, no man could resist you. You are a woman of sensual allure.

Thank you, Channing. But most men aren't as sexy as you are. And some of them

might be turned off by post -nasal drip, you animal.

you know how to use your womanly ways.

You know how to use your feminine wild.

If only you knew how to use your nose

drops.

Oh, oh, Channing. Oh, I'm so sorry. Look what you did. You got primatine all

over my gabardine.

Channing! Please, that's not what I had in mind.

Oh, Maud, you don't understand. Please, Doctor, please. Oh, isn't that cute?

You thought I was disrobing.

You're not? Of course, I would never take my clothes off in the wrong room.

That's bad form.

Bad, bad form? Walter, look at what we're learning. I mean, they didn't even

mention that on Merv Griffin.

Another double?

Oh, Maud, don't play with your fantasies.

Don't dream them.

Fulfill them.

I've never seen anybody do that before in a public place.

Oh, now that side's clear.

I can breathe again.

Walter, do you like poetry?

What is this, the Miss America contest? I hate poetry.

So do I. At least we got that going for us. Look, Hortense, I don't understand

you. And I don't understand him. And most of all, I don't understand this

game you people play.

Oh, it's got a hot temper. I love that.

Oh, Walter, you're just like me. I responded the same way the first time.

Remember, Horty? Of course. It was three years ago, Easter Sunday.

Three years ago.

We were just two couples.

Dancing.

Intimately.

You were?

Uh -huh.

And then Horty fought the idea first.

She did. Oh.

Oh, I tell you.

You really...

We are light years ahead of us men. We are. When it comes to accepting new

things. And then suddenly, Gordy said the magic words.

Let's change partners. And we did.

Let's change partners.

I want to tell you, Walter, it saved my marriage.

Isn't it fascinating the variety of ways you can save a marriage?

Okay, Maud.

Want to save a marriage?

It's whoopee time!

I remember you took the bedroom and I took the kitchen.

The kitchen? Oh, there wasn't much room. It was a Winnebago.

Come on, Maud. Don't play with your fantasies.

Fulfill them. Stop that. You know I wouldn't go with Channing under any

circumstances. Maud.

I'm glad to hear you admit that.

Oh, dear. He's got a hole in his sock.

That's one way to save our marriage. Don my sock. Damn your socks, Walter.

I am devastated, Maud.

I'm hurt. I'm terribly hurt.

You let us on.

You kept us here way past my bedtime.

You see, we should have gone on to choir practice. We always meet kinky people

there. Now be quiet, Hortense.

Oh, Maud, Maud, you let us on. You're nothing but a voyeur.

With all due respect, Dr. McGrath, I am not of why I may be a... Peeping Tom?

A Peeping Tom? A cheap, thrill -seeking Peeping Tom? Walter, are you going to

let him call me a Peeping Tom?

How can I argue with him? He's a psychiatrist.

You are a highly neurotic woman, Maud.

I mistook that for middle -aged restlessness, and I was encouraged.

Well, that's what you get for diagnosing without a couch.

Oh, yes, I know you condemn me, condemn us for our lifestyle, but I want to tell

you something, Maud.

Hortense and I are closer today.

I never wanted Walter. Never from the start. You need to be quiet, Hortense.

are closer today.

Happier today than we have ever been.

Look, Dr. McGrath, please, if I led you to believe that I was anything more than

just curious, I really am terribly sorry.

We found a way to shore up an empty, crumbling marriage.

But it worked for us.

Not completely, yes.

Yes, it did, darling. Not really.

It really did. It worked perfectly the first few months, but then you started

with those fun... Shut up!

Well, you see, Doctor, Walter and I don't have to shore up our marriage. We

an incredibly full love life.

Inventive, passionate, tender, all -consuming. Right, Walter?

If you say so, Walter.

Well, all I can say is I find it very hopeful that you didn't throw us out

immediately.

That is only a 24 -hour virus.

If you change your minds, call us tomorrow.

The day after tomorrow. I feel rotten. No, you do not feel rotten. I said I

rotten. No, you do not. You want to know when you feel rotten. You ask me and I

will tell you when you... And I want them to call us tomorrow.

I have a feeling.

it out your nose.

Another word of this to the Harmon.

What were the McGraths doing here? They told us they had to rush out to go to

choir practice.

Well, with Hortense's awful head cold, I don't see how she could sing.

Walter, you got a drink?

Sure, come into the kitchen. I want to talk to you anyhow, Arthur. Okay.

Remember, not one word. He's my best friend. Not a word.

It's always meant for all of us to get together. They're white swappers,

All of us to get together and have brunch or maybe go out to moo.

To moo.

They weren't here five minutes before they invited us to go to bed with them.

Ruby!

than five minutes.

Really? It took them that long?

My goodness, they asked us right off the bat.

Oh, and they've been such bores about it ever since. Just hounding us. Just

hounding and begging and begging and hounding.

Wife -swappers?

Good gravy. We didn't know that.

That man is the head psychiatrist at the hospital.

Some of the sickest doctors on the staff are totally dependent on him.

Well, anyhow, I...

Just told them it wasn't our cup of tea, that's all. Those people were at our

house. They drank from our glass.

They wiped their hands on our guest towels.

I mean, we respect them as people, but we just absolutely draw the line at...

Oh, Arthur, what's wrong with us? Why didn't they ask us to play switchies?

Vivian, I am shocked.

I'm not going to stand here and discuss switchies.

We would never even think of such a thing.

Well... Yes, we wouldn't, but it's always nice to be asked.

Sylvia, Cupcake, I think you're very attractive.

Big deal.

What? Is it just my imagination, or is everybody in the world going crazy?

You know, honey, when I thought you were actually stripping for action, I was

terrified. I know, sweetheart.

You know, I really did want to find out what makes them tick.

Because I guess I was flattered.

I guess I just didn't want to snuff out that little bit of attention.

Come upstairs, stranger, and I'll zon

your sock.