All language subtitles for maude_s05e11_maude_s_new_friends

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Angel
flat, she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.
That one compromising, enterprising,

anything but tranquilizing. No, no, no.

I've never been so humiliated in my
life. I mean, the nerve of them, Arthur

Vivian, our best friends, just ignoring
us in the driveway.

Maud.

The McGraths are their friends, and the
Hormons took them into their house for a

drink, and they didn't invite us. What's
the big deal?

Walter, if I wanted logic, I would have
married Barbara Walters.

If I wanted money, you would have
married Barbara Walters.

Walter, I mean, the nerve of them. They
claim they're our best friends. We

always include them when we have people
over. Maybe the McGraths don't like us.

Oh, please, Walter, how could anyone not
like us?

We're intelligent. We're exciting. We're
attractive.

My looks are going.

Be lucky if I get one more season out of
this space.

Oh, Walter, level with me. Tell me I'm
over the hill.

Maud, that's ridiculous.

Of course.

It's not me.

It's you.

That sport coat is embarrassing.

Oh, Walter, the nerve of them. The
nerve. of them. You know, dull people,

people they bring over to our house in
droves.

But the head psychiatrist at the
hospital, the head psychiatrist, Walter,

they guard for their lives.

Mort, how do you know that Channing and
Hortense McGrath aren't dull and boring?

Oh, please, Walter, the leading
psychiatrist in the area, dull and

I mean, just imagine the fascinating
stories he can tell about his patients.

Mort, psychiatrists aren't allowed to
talk about their patients. If they

talk about their patients, they'd be
dull and boring.

Dr. McGrath.

Horta. What a pleasant surprise we were
just talking about you. I hope we're not

intruding. Not at all.

Where are Arthur and Vivian? We didn't
want to have that drink with them.

Horta. Please.

We didn't want to have that drink with
them.

So we excused ourselves and said we were
going over to choir practice.

And then we sneaked over here.

Because we didn't want to leave without
getting to know you both a little

better. Just saying hello in the
driveway. We both got good feelings

two. Just saying hello.

Now, please, please, come in, come in,
come in, Walter.

Look who sneaked over on their way to
choir practice.

The Dr.

McGraths. Without the harmon? Without
the harmon. Oh, Mort, I've been so

to meet you. And you too, Walter.

You don't get to meet very many liberal
people at the hospital unless you spend

all your time in the natural childbirth
clinic.

You see, Walter, I told you they
wouldn't be dull.

We're not dull.

How about a drink?

Oh, something that won't swell the
capillaries in my nose.

A double scotch.

Likewise.

Oh, Maud, Maud, I've heard so much about
you.

Protester of everything, backer of lost
causes, married four times.

Well, Channing, I believe we should all
do what we do best.

Oh, Maud, I knew when I heard about you
that you were definitely primo primo.

Sir, did you hear that? We are primo
primo.

Primo primo. Isn't that a cigar?

He's a funny person, Channing. Thank
you. You know, Channing, I just finished

reading the most stimulating think piece
in the New Republic. Definitely primo

primo. It was written by... Lord,
Walter, may I say something to you

Oh, please, Channing.

Frankly is the only way we talk in this
house. That's right, Walter.

Frankly, no.

I like them, Channing. Oh, Hortense,
permit me.

We like you.

Right, Horty?

Right. Now, about Vivian and Arthur,
we're very fond of them. They're lovely

people, but we are definitely not on the
same wavelength. Oh, please, Channing,

there's no need to explain. I mean, it's
perfectly obvious.

They are our closest friends, and
they're wonderfully warm, dear, sweet

beings, but...

Well, in a sophisticated world of
Alpege, Lanvin, Fabergé, they are

aquavelva.

I'd rather like that myself.

You are a witty woman, Maud. Now, wait a
minute, Maud. You know, Arthur is my

best friend, and he's not square.

As a matter of fact, he's primo primo.

Please, Walter, you're defending a man
who eats pastrami on raisin bread.

Thank you, Channing. Thank you.

Now, about this think piece. It
concerned itself with the cutback in

research in parapsychology. And for the
psychiatrist... Maude, I'm sorry. I'm

interrupting you again. But there's
something I have to say.

Of course, Channing. Go ahead. Thank
you, Maude.

Maude, you're a very attractive woman.
Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.

Now, if that's chauvinistic, so be it.

But I love your mind, too.

And I love your taste.

I mean, just look what you've done with
this room.

I mean, your sense of color is
marvelous.

The grapes are perfect, and I'd like to
go to bed with you.

this think piece.

You see, it concerns itself with
cutbacks in grants for research on

parapsychology. And I... And I...

And I... You're uncomfortable.

And I'm uncomfortable.

That's not unusual even with now people
like yourselves. But before we do

anything, we have to find out if
Hortense feels the same way about

We do.

Oh, sure, sure.

Corny?

Well... Mort,

I want to see you in the kitchen.

Mort, kitchen!

Uh, Walter wants to see me in the
kitchen.

Now!

Now.

I would have Kleenex in the kitchen.

Can you believe that?

The nerve of him coming on like that.

The nerve of him. The nerve of him. He
really was coming on, wasn't he?

Oh, Walter.

Walter, he's not to blame.

Oh, it's all my fault.

I guess I'm just too much stimulation
for some people to handle.

My looks are coming back.

Thank you, face.

Now that you're finished thanking your
face, I want you to go out there and

them that we have plans for tonight and
get rid of them. Get rid of them? Get

rid of them, Walter. That would be rude.

Rude?

A couple of aging crazies want to go to
bed with us and you're worried about

being rude?

Walter, aren't you the least bit curious
about what makes them tick?

No.

What is it you want to say?

That you're turned on because you're
flattered? How dare you?

I am not turned on.

I may be flattered.

I mean, who wouldn't be?

Okay, Mort.

You want to play witchy? Is that what
you want? Of course not, Walter.

Why are you standing there making them
cheese and crackers?

We should be out there making a
citizen's arrest.

Walter, don't you understand? We have a
pair of bona fide wife -throppers

sitting right out in our living room.
Walter, I have never seen one before.

Except on the Merv Griffin show.

And then I really didn't learn anything
because the transvestite kept

interrupting.

Merv Griffin is a transvestite? No!

Are you trying to tell me that you
approve of these people? Walter, it is

place to approve or disapprove. I simply
say live and let live.

Because, Walter, I am interested in all
people.

All people.

Walter, if two pygmies were to walk in
here right now, I would want to know all

about them.

What they eat, how they worship, what
card games they play.

Because unlike you, Walter, I am
tolerant of all people.

Snack time.

Carol!

Nothing, dear. Just keep away from
Channing. His wife has a cold.

Well, you're getting squirrelier every
day.

You make beautiful daughters, Maude.
Thank you. You should see her in the

morning completely flat -chested.

Oh, Walter, you're a saint.

My nose would go to bed with you in a
minute.

Oh, it sounds like a fun gathering.

I'll see you later, Mother. I've got a
date with Andy. Oh, wonderful, dear. I

know you're going to have a grand
evening.

Goodbye, dear. Have a good time. We
will. We're going to a swap meet.

Now, listen to me, Channing.

Channing, I am a very broad -minded
woman, but Carol happens to be my

Oh, Maude, what do I want with a child
when you're around?

Well, I'm sorry, Channing. I'm looking
for maturity.

Buy savings bonds.

Walter, please.

Poor Dan Channing. I don't know how to
say it. Walter is horrified.

And I really feel that I have to
apologize to both of you for his

How do you feel about it, Ward?

How do I?

How do I feel?

How should I feel?

I'm an intelligent woman.

I am a sophisticated woman. I am a
mature... Tell me, do you ever solo or

always work as a team?

I beg your pardon, Lord.

I mean, what do you take us for, Lord?

Well, I mean, what kind of people do you
think we are?

I mean, we are people of very high
principles. We don't cheat on each

We do not cheat on each other. We
have...

very strict rules.

Our moral standards are the highest.

We are people of integrity.

We do not take our marriage vows
lightly.

Have you made your mind up yet about
Walter?

No. I like him as a person, and he's
funny, but I don't know. I'm

just not sure.

Oh, tell me, Walter, is there anything I
don't know about you right now that

might prove to be stimulating?

Of course he's stimulating.

Hortense, my husband happens to be a
very, very exciting human being.

Are you sure?

Oh, Channing, I wish I could feel
more... different.

Take my word for it, Walter.

Hortense is full of surprises.

Still waters run deep.

Oh, thank you, Channing.

Oh, what the heck. I can be a good sport
and go with Walter if you're so sold on

Maude.

Uh -huh.

What? I'd like to see you in the kitchen
for a moment.

Of course.

Of course.

Uh, we need more ice.

There was something like that.
Something... I think we're in business.

We found a couple of live ones.

Walter, would you stop?

Look at what we've learned already.

Walter, they don't cheat.

They're faithful to each other. They
have very high moral standards.

Walter, they respect their marriage
vows. Oh, that is not Mr.

and Mrs. Pat Boone out there.

I think it's very encouraging that Maud
got rid of her daughter, don't you?

I think I'd better use my nose drops.

Now that I've made my decision, I don't
want to turn him off with a stuffy nose.

Oh, Horty, no man could resist you. You
are a woman of sensual allure.

Thank you, Channing. But most men aren't
as sexy as you are. And some of them

might be turned off by post -nasal drip,
you animal.

you know how to use your womanly ways.

You know how to use your feminine wild.

If only you knew how to use your nose

drops.

Oh, oh, Channing. Oh, I'm so sorry. Look
what you did. You got primatine all

over my gabardine.

Channing! Please, that's not what I had
in mind.

Oh, Maud, you don't understand. Please,
Doctor, please. Oh, isn't that cute?

You thought I was disrobing.

You're not? Of course, I would never
take my clothes off in the wrong room.

That's bad form.

Bad, bad form? Walter, look at what
we're learning. I mean, they didn't even

mention that on Merv Griffin.

Another double?

Oh, Maud, don't play with your
fantasies.

Don't dream them.

Fulfill them.

I've never seen anybody do that before
in a public place.

Oh, now that side's clear.

I can breathe again.

Walter, do you like poetry?

What is this, the Miss America contest?
I hate poetry.

So do I. At least we got that going for
us. Look, Hortense, I don't understand

you. And I don't understand him. And
most of all, I don't understand this

game you people play.

Oh, it's got a hot temper. I love that.

Oh, Walter, you're just like me. I
responded the same way the first time.

Remember, Horty? Of course. It was three
years ago, Easter Sunday.

Three years ago.

We were just two couples.

Dancing.

Intimately.

You were?

Uh -huh.

And then Horty fought the idea first.

She did. Oh.

Oh, I tell you.

You really...

We are light years ahead of us men. We
are. When it comes to accepting new

things. And then suddenly, Gordy said
the magic words.

Let's change partners. And we did.

Let's change partners.

I want to tell you, Walter, it saved my
marriage.

Isn't it fascinating the variety of ways
you can save a marriage?

Okay, Maud.

Want to save a marriage?

It's whoopee time!

I remember you took the bedroom and I
took the kitchen.

The kitchen? Oh, there wasn't much room.
It was a Winnebago.

Come on, Maud. Don't play with your
fantasies.

Fulfill them. Stop that. You know I
wouldn't go with Channing under any

circumstances. Maud.

I'm glad to hear you admit that.

Oh, dear. He's got a hole in his sock.

That's one way to save our marriage. Don
my sock. Damn your socks, Walter.

I am devastated, Maud.

I'm hurt. I'm terribly hurt.

You let us on.

You kept us here way past my bedtime.

You see, we should have gone on to choir
practice. We always meet kinky people

there. Now be quiet, Hortense.

Oh, Maud, Maud, you let us on. You're
nothing but a voyeur.

With all due respect, Dr. McGrath, I am
not of why I may be a... Peeping Tom?

A Peeping Tom? A cheap, thrill -seeking
Peeping Tom? Walter, are you going to

let him call me a Peeping Tom?

How can I argue with him? He's a
psychiatrist.

You are a highly neurotic woman, Maud.

I mistook that for middle -aged
restlessness, and I was encouraged.

Well, that's what you get for diagnosing
without a couch.

Oh, yes, I know you condemn me, condemn
us for our lifestyle, but I want to tell

you something, Maud.

Hortense and I are closer today.

I never wanted Walter. Never from the
start. You need to be quiet, Hortense.

are closer today.

Happier today than we have ever been.

Look, Dr. McGrath, please, if I led you
to believe that I was anything more than

just curious, I really am terribly
sorry.

We found a way to shore up an empty,
crumbling marriage.

But it worked for us.

Not completely, yes.

Yes, it did, darling. Not really.

It really did. It worked perfectly the
first few months, but then you started

with those fun... Shut up!

Well, you see, Doctor, Walter and I
don't have to shore up our marriage. We

an incredibly full love life.

Inventive, passionate, tender, all
-consuming. Right, Walter?

If you say so, Walter.

Well, all I can say is I find it very
hopeful that you didn't throw us out

immediately.

That is only a 24 -hour virus.

If you change your minds, call us
tomorrow.

The day after tomorrow. I feel rotten.
No, you do not feel rotten. I said I

rotten. No, you do not. You want to know
when you feel rotten. You ask me and I

will tell you when you... And I want
them to call us tomorrow.

I have a feeling.

it out your nose.

Another word of this to the Harmon.

What were the McGraths doing here? They
told us they had to rush out to go to

choir practice.

Well, with Hortense's awful head cold, I
don't see how she could sing.

Walter, you got a drink?

Sure, come into the kitchen. I want to
talk to you anyhow, Arthur. Okay.

Remember, not one word. He's my best
friend. Not a word.

It's always meant for all of us to get
together. They're white swappers,

All of us to get together and have
brunch or maybe go out to moo.

To moo.

They weren't here five minutes before
they invited us to go to bed with them.

Ruby!

than five minutes.

Really? It took them that long?

My goodness, they asked us right off the
bat.

Oh, and they've been such bores about it
ever since. Just hounding us. Just

hounding and begging and begging and
hounding.

Wife -swappers?

Good gravy. We didn't know that.

That man is the head psychiatrist at the
hospital.

Some of the sickest doctors on the staff
are totally dependent on him.

Well, anyhow, I...

Just told them it wasn't our cup of tea,
that's all. Those people were at our

house. They drank from our glass.

They wiped their hands on our guest
towels.

I mean, we respect them as people, but
we just absolutely draw the line at...

Oh, Arthur, what's wrong with us? Why
didn't they ask us to play switchies?

Vivian, I am shocked.

I'm not going to stand here and discuss
switchies.

We would never even think of such a
thing.

Well... Yes, we wouldn't, but it's
always nice to be asked.

Sylvia, Cupcake, I think you're very
attractive.

Big deal.

What? Is it just my imagination, or is
everybody in the world going crazy?

You know, honey, when I thought you were
actually stripping for action, I was

terrified. I know, sweetheart.

You know, I really did want to find out
what makes them tick.

Because I guess I was flattered.

I guess I just didn't want to snuff out
that little bit of attention.

Come upstairs, stranger, and I'll zon

your sock.