Original subtitles

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

Okay,

thank you.

Ward, that was the reporter from the New York Times.

He'll be at the church.

Oh, that is wonderful. Wonderful. Oh, I knew we could get the New York Times to

cover this wedding.

I mean, after all, here's Mrs.

Naugatuck, a woman from England, Bert Beasley, a man from Ireland, finding

in their later years.

Ah, it's perfect.

The story of the beauty of age and the beauty of youth.

The beauty of youth?

Oh, Walter, you don't think they'll do an entire article on the wedding without

mentioning me?

But what's that got to do with the beauty of... Drop it, Walter.

Anyhow, I told the reporter we'd all be at the church in a half hour. Oh, that's

wonderful. The limousine should be here any minute.

Limousine? You hired a limousine?

Oh, just a teensy one.

You know, it's a new small Cadillac. Looks just like a Ford.

Lord, you're spending a fortune on this wedding. We can't afford it. Walter, I

am disappointed in you.

Do you know what your problem is? You're parsimonious.

What?

You're also illiterate.

Oh, come on, Walter. It's Mrs.

Naugatuck's wedding.

Now, we love her. No expense is too great.

And besides, how many times in her life does a woman get married? Strike that.

There is no time to argue. Now, why don't you go and help Arthur get Bert

And, sweetie, you're going to change your mind once you see that story in the

Times. I'm never going to see that story, because after this wedding, I'll

too parsimonious to buy the paper.

Oh, hi, Viv.

Oh, you look lovely.

Thank you. You look lovely, too.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, the decorations.

Oh, they look so lovely. You know, Viv, after four marriages, I have learned one

very important lesson.

Never scrimp on crepe paper.

And I'm so excited about the New York Times being here. So am I. Well, I... I

just thought I'd give this picture of myself to the reporter, you know, for

article. It was taken in college, but I really haven't changed that much.

Now, I don't know, Vivian. I don't think the Times would print a picture of a

bridesmaid in a sun suit.

They only use the face.

Here she is, our beautiful bride.

Oh, Mrs.

No... Oh, Mrs.

No...

and stop.

You'll get Mrs. Naugatuck all upset.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck, you do look lovely.

Oh, it's true. You look absolutely lovely.

Oh, no.

Oh, that was wonderful.

I haven't had a good cry like that since Rhoda broke up with Joe.

Now, Mother, Mrs. Nogatuck has something new and something borrowed and

something blue, but she needs something old. Here.

How can I ever thank you? You've done so much. Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck, I just want

it to be a very special day for you. A day you'll always remember.

Because I love you.

What was that?

What was that?

The limousine pulled up. Right into the back of Walter's car.

Oh, no.

I'll check the damage. I'll call the auto club.

Oh, now, Mrs. Naugatuck, please. I don't want this little accident to upset you.

Oh, I'm not... upset, Mum.

Good. Because in just a little while, you're going to be Mrs.

Bert Beasley.

Oh, no, Mum.

What? You see, my maiden name's Norgatuck, and I didn't change it for my

husband, Cyril, and I'm not going to change it for Bert.

Mrs. Norgatuck, I think that is marvellous.

You do? Yeah, of course I do. I am really proud of you. I mean, today, you

with so many young women striking out for feminine independence, well, here

you at your age doing exactly the same thing. I think you're an inspiration.

I've always been that way, ma 'am. Do you remember those suffragettes in

that went on a hunger strike while they were in jail?

Yes. Well, I had a lot to do with that.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you were a suffragette.

No, I was the prison cook.

The auto club will be right over.

Maybe they can tow us to church in the limousine.

Guess what, Vivian? What? After Mrs. Naugatuck is married, she is keeping her

own name.

Can you do that?

Oh, when Arthur and I were married, he wouldn't even let me keep my cat.

Of course you can. I'm not going to lose my identity.

I only hope that Bert likes the idea.

You mean you haven't told Bert?

Oh, no, not yet. I'm waiting for the perfect moment.

Like when we're in church and Bert can't swear.

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck, you know you don't have to worry about Bert. He does

anything you want.

Oh, but he can be awfully stubborn sometimes.

Bert? Stubborn?

Mrs. Naugatuck, he's letting you have this enormous wedding. He's agreed to a

formal reception. He's even going to wear one of those crazy morning suits.

None of which he wanted to do. Now, how can you say he's stubborn? He's

stubborn, all right.

He's just not very good at it.

Come on, Bert. It's time to go. You better get your jacket on.

Oh, I will when we leave the house.

I hate those monkey suits.

Bert, you're going to look distinguished.

Distinguished? The last man I saw dressed like that was on a can of

I should never have let Nell talk me into wearing one of these things.

He's right.

You've got to let her know who's boss.

You know what I say about women?

Keep them barefoot and pregnant.

Well, I'll have to settle for barefoot.

Arthur, you talk like someone out of the Dark Ages.

Those were the days.

Don't listen to him, Bert.

Maud and I have been very happy for almost eight years, and we're partners.

There's no boss in our house.

He's wrong, Burke.

If you don't show a woman who's in charge before you get married, the next

you know, she'll want a cat.

headstrong, but I'm not worried, because things will change after the wedding.

Us Beasley men know how to keep our wives in line.

Okay, you guys. Come on, Bert. It's time to go. All right. I'll get into the

monkey suit.

Bert, how come you Beasley men are so good at handling women?

Well, we have to be, because we're Catholic.

When a Catholic man takes a wife, it's forever.

You may be miserable, but divorce is out of the question.

The best you can do is go to church and pray that one of you dies.

There is every... Philip, if you don't stop eating those sandwiches, there

be any left for the reception.

Now, come on. It's time to go to the church.

Lord,

here's the lucky groom.

Ta -da!

Oh, Bert, you look wonderful in your monkey suit.

Thank you, Mrs. Finley.

Yeah, you look great, Bert.

Philip,

are you wearing ski boot?

Yeah, I bought them this morning.

The guy at the ski shop said I should wear them to break them in.

Philip, you can't wear ski boots to a wedding.

I mean, this is a very formal occasion.

Now, you'll simply have to go up and change. The tow truck will be here any

minute.

Tow truck? What tow truck? Oh, Walter, I forgot to tell you. There's been a

slight accident.

The limousine ran into the back of your car. Oh, no!

Don't worry, darling. We can borrow Arthur's car to take Bert and Mrs.

to the ship.

Ship? What ship?

Oh, I guess I forgot to tell you that, too.

We're treating the newlyweds to a senior citizen's honeymoon cruise.

Cruise? What?

We can't afford that.

Do we have to give them a wedding present? What's the matter with a waffle

What's wrong with waffle irons? I think waffle irons are neat.

Waffle irons are the dullest, most unimaginative gift you can give.

Well, it was Vivian's idea.

Mother, Father Farrell just called from the church. We have to have the ceremony

promptly at 10 o 'clock.

They've got a funeral scheduled for 11.

A funeral?

Last month when I scheduled the wedding, they never told me they had a funeral

planned.

Maybe it was a surprise funeral.

This is the last time I give that church my business.

Now, come on, we really have to go.

I'm sorry you paid for that expensive cruise, Mr. Finley, but it was Nell's

idea. She took over the whole wedding.

You know, I have a half of mine to tell her the cruise is off. Oh, don't do

that, Bert. That cruise could be a lot of fun. Never mind, Arthur.

It's time Bert showed her who's boss.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Harmon.

It's lovely.

A waffle on.

Well, I didn't think it was quite right, but Arthur insisted.

Come on, really, it's time to go.

Oh, yeah. Ah, starting to rain.

Oh, it's just a little drizzle. Nothing to worry about.

What is that?

What was that?

The tow truck just skidded into the back of the limousine. Oh, my God. Wow.

Now, don't worry. We can use my car. Vivian, have you got the keys? Oh, yeah.

Oh, Nell, you look lovely. Oh, Bert, you look so distinguished.

Just like Prince Albert.

Hey, here are the keys, Arthur. Thanks. Come on now, we really have to go. We

don't want the wedding slopping over into the funeral.

I'll get the phone. I'll get Philip. I'll get the coats. I'll get the car.

get the right.

I guess the only thing left for me to get, Bert, is you.

Well, now, this isn't exactly the kind of a wedding I wanted, but I don't mind,

because everything will be all right once you're Mrs.

Bert Beasley.

Oh, Bert.

There's something I should tell you. I don't want to upset you.

No, I love you.

What could you possibly say that would upset me?

Well, after we're married, I want to keep my name Norgatuck.

That could upset me.

That was the reporter from the New York Times. He can only stay another 15

minutes. Now, we have to get to the church or there won't be any article.

doesn't want to take my name. Oh, tell him it's all right. It's all right,

Come along. It's not all right. I told you he was stubborn. Oh, come on. Now,

you'll both feel better after a nice wedding. Oh, no, this is ridiculous. Of

course you're going to take the name of Beasley. No, I'm keeping the name

Naugatown. Good, then it's settled. Nothing's settled. I'm not going to the

church to get married to a woman who won't take my name.

Bert! No.

A Beasley man is a proud man.

A Beasley man is a strong man. And when a Beasley man marries, his wife takes

the name of Beasley. And I am a Beasley man.

Bert, tonight you're going to be the proudest, strongest, oldest Beasley man

the singles bar.

Now, what does that mean?

The wedding's off.

Oh, now, just a minute, you two. You can't do that to me.

Now, I'm not going to let you weasel out of this wedding just because you don't

want to get married.

Oh, come on, you two. Now, you're just being silly.

I mean, don't you realize how lucky you are at your age to find each other and

fall in love?

I mean, how can you refuse to get married when there are millions of old

behind the Iron Curtain going single?

Billy, I'm an independent... Independent woman. I wouldn't take the name Beasley

if it was Rockefeller.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you should have some respect for Bert.

Beasley men are the head of the house.

Beasley men wear the pants.

Beasley men... Bert, in all due respect, I am really getting very bored with you

Beasley men.

Here's the rice.

Philip will be right down.

The car's at the front. And listen, we can drive fast because I'm a doctor.

Everybody take a coat.

Everybody, wait a minute. Listen, listen to me. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What? What, what, what, what, what, what, what?

Before we go to the church to celebrate this very special day, there is one

little problem that has to be ironed out. What is it?

Hell will freeze over before I take this... Oh, I wouldn't marry you, you...

I'm shocked.

Here Maud's trying to explain a problem and you two are just jabbering away.

All right, go ahead. What's the problem?

Mrs. Naugatuck and Bird want to call the wedding off because Mrs. Naugatuck does

not want to change her name. Now, isn't that silly?

No. I'll go turn off the motor in the car. I'll get rid of the coats.

I'll tell Philip he can put his ski boots back on. Well, I'll call the

and cancel the wedding. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't call the church.

Well, that's right. First call and cancel the reservation on the cruise

Don't cancel anything.

Now, look. Look. The wedding is not off. What did you just say? Will you be

quiet? Please. Please.

Everybody be quiet.

Now, I think that everybody should stay out of it except the people directly

involved.

Mrs. Naugatuck and Bert and me.

Can I see you in the kitchen? Not now. I have to help you. I don't want to see

you in the kitchen. I can't go now.

Walter, they need... More kitchen!

Sir,

this is Naugatuck. I don't want to hear any screaming or yelling or fighting.

Until I get back.

If you stay out of this, just face the facts.

They're not going to get married because Mrs. Naugatuck is being too

unreasonable.

Mrs. Naugatuck as being unreasonable?

Sure, she won't change her name.

Walter, any woman with a sense of independence, with an ounce of pride,

want to keep her maiden name. Then why didn't you keep your maiden name when we

got married?

By that time, I couldn't remember it.

Listen, boy, just call the church and tell them that the wedding is off. I am

not going to let two people I love make this terrible mistake. Boy, give up.

They don't want to get married.

You wasted a fortune on a wedding that nobody's going to attend.

You invited the New York Times to Tuckahoe for nothing.

You bought tickets to an expensive honeymoon cruise that no one's going to

And I got two cars and a tow truck piled up on my front lawn.

Walter, I'm not going to let your nitpicking spoil a perfect day.

All right, everybody.

Let's get down to business.

Mother, maybe we should work out some sort of compromise.

I've already made a compromise that we'll get married in a Catholic church.

I made a compromise, too. What compromise?

That urn with your dead husband's ashes.

She keeps it right on her nightstand.

Oh, I promised Cyril on his deathbed that I'd keep an eye on his ashes.

The poor thing.

His biggest fear was that he might get sucked up by a vacuum cleaner.

Now, wait a minute. I just happen to think, if you could become Mrs.

Cyril Nogatuck, why can't you become Mrs. Bert Beasley?

I never took Cyril's name.

He let me keep my own name.

You mean Nogatuck is your maiden name?

That's right.

Cyril was sensitive enough to know that I needed my identity.

He wasn't afraid to let me be me.

Well, he couldn't be much of a man. Any real man would insist that his wife take

his name.

How dare you say that? There was never such a man as Cyril Piddle.

Cyril? Piddle?

Well,

if my name... If your name was Piddle, you wouldn't have to change your name.

I'd change mine to Nogatuck.

Dear Bert, my name's as important to me as yours is to you.

My father always wanted me to be an independent woman, and I promised him on

deathbed that I'd never give up my identity.

Now, Bert, isn't that reasonable?

No.

You made a promise to Cyril on his deathbed. You made a promise to your

on his deathbed. Now, Nell, let's face it.

You're a pushover for a man on his deathbed.

That does it.

Forget about the wedding.

Give me that rice.

I'm going to cook this rice for lunch.

I don't want this to count as my day off.

Hello? Walter, if that's the New York Times, tell them we've already left.

Any progress here? We're making some headway. We're having rice for lunch.

What? That was Father Farrell. He said we have to get to the church right away,

else there won't be time for a wedding before the funeral. Bert, did you hear

that? Now, we really have to settle this.

No.

Carol, Viv, please, go in and talk to Mrs. Naugatuck. Go on. Keep her calm.

Above all, don't let her cook that rice.

Now.

Bert, do you love Mrs. Naugatuck?

Of course I do. Well, then, Bert, how can you risk losing her because of a

Well, it's a matter of manly pride.

My name is all I have to give.

Bert, Mrs.

Naugatuck doesn't want you to stop being a man. She just wants to keep her own

identity as a woman.

Oh, maybe so, but no.

I'm too old to risk making a mistake.

Bert, the only mistake you can make is to throw away this chance for happiness.

What?

Walter, Arthur, tell him.

What?

You see, they agree.

Oh, Bert.

Bert. Bert, these... These are your golden years.

Now, you don't want to live out your remaining days in loneliness and regret.

But when Beasley men have doubts, they don't just rush into marriage.

Bert, these are your autumn years.

Bert, the days are growing short. You don't have time to play a waiting game.

And the days dwindle down.

to our precious few September, November.

And these few precious days

I'll spend with you these

golden days. I'm married now today.

Stay here. I'll be right back.

What a wonderful woman that Mrs. Friendly is. She sure is. The best.

She's so intelligent, so wise.

But you know, there's one thing about her I just don't understand.

What's that?

How could anyone that sensitive stoop to a hokey trick like the September song?

Everything would work out. Who won the fight over the last name?

Vivian.

Don't worry, Mrs. Finley.

I can't fight this anymore.

Here, Bert.

Bert, I've always been a very independent woman, but I love you more

than I love my identity.

And if you think you won't be a man unless I take your name, then I'll take

name.

And you'll be the man in the family.

So, I'll leave the decision up to you.

Well, love, I'm glad you came to your senses.

Because if this is going to be a happy marriage, you have to understand who the

man of the house is.

You have to know who makes the decisions.

Now, let's get to the church.

Mrs. Nogatuck.

Mrs. Nogatuck.

Oh, it sounds nice for the last time.

What do you mean, the last time?

You're going to keep your name.

Bert, you don't mean it. I do. I'm the man of the house, and that is my

decision. Oh, you Beasley men, you're so masterful.

I'll get the car. I'll get that.

I'll get the coat.

And you thought I couldn't pull this off.

What are you talking about, Maude?

Mrs. Naugatuck was smart.

She let Bert be the boss. Quiet, pipsqueak.

I did it, Maude.

I turned this into a perfect day.

Well, not quite perfect, Maude. The New York Times reporter had to leave.

Oh, that's not important.

Yeah. He was called away on an emergency assignment.

A senior citizen's honeymoon cruise ship is sinking at Pier 59.