All language subtitles for maude_s05e08_the_game_show

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider, she
didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her,
she was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to, and
you're glad she showed up.

The country was falling apart, Betsy
Ross got it all sewed up.

Okay, come on, everybody.

Let's do it right here, right on this
drink. No, not here. Oh, come on now.

are the birthday girl. Now, let's do it
one more time. Do you know what? This is

the best birthday I've ever had.

The day in New York City. It's just so
beautiful. All right, now, all together

now. Ready? Oh, no.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday.

New Yorkers aren't friendly.

You know, New York is a really fun city.

I've never heard of this play we're
going to see.

Beat the Devil?

No, but you're going to love it. And you
don't know how hard it was for me to

get tickets to this show.

What time does the play start anyway?

You know, Arthur, we should have grabbed
lunch first. I'm hungry. Me too. I'm

starved. Hey, why don't we get a hot dog
right there? Oh, no, come on. Let's

have a nice lunch later. We'll go to
Shrath. And listen, tonight before we go

home, maybe we can all take a horse and
buggy ride through Central Park.

Heaven! Are you kidding?

Central Park's not safe.

Oh, it would be safe in a horse and
buggy. The only thing that's safe going

through Central Park at night is a
bullet.

Oh, Walter, now you're exaggerating. I
mean, New York may have its faults, but

let's face it, it is still a very
exciting city.

It's filled with art museums, the
theater, ballet, opera. You know, it's

cultural center of America.

Just ignore him, Walter.

I can't. I'm hungry.

Mario, I don't think that this is that
kind of a show.

You don't see anyone else dressed funny.

How about the clown in the funny hat?

Oh, excuse me for staring, but you have
a loose pepperoni.

That's okay, buddy. I got plenty.

But don't touch the anchovy. That's my
zipper.

Thanks.

You know, Viv, something tells me this
play is not going to be a stimulating

intellectual experience.

Well, actually, I do have a small
confession to make.

Yes? Well, I was going to tell you.

Yes? Oh, gosh, I'll get out.

Yes, Viv?

Oh, golly gee.

Look, will you stop doing Jim Neighbors
nightclub act? Yes.

Well, Beat the Devil is a television
game show.

Vivian, you told me it was a play. Well,
yes, but I knew if I told you the

truth, you wouldn't come. And I knew
since it was my birthday, you wouldn't

my telling a little lie.

Happy birthday, Viv. You're wrong.

Wait, Mom.

Where are you going? Look, there is a
revival of Roman Holiday playing down

street. I'll see you later. I refuse to
spend the afternoon sitting through one

of these dumb game shows. Oh, but this
isn't a dumb show. It's very dignified.

Oh? And who's this? Prince Philip?

He's the only weirdo in line.

Hey, lady, how would you like some
mozzarella in the mouth?

I'd like one.

Hey, the mushrooms look good.

Look, you three enjoy the show, enjoy
your lunch. I'll see you later. You

want to go see an old movie about Rome
when you can see Beat the Devil.

Vivian, you know it has been my lifelong
dream to visit Rome.

And since the closest I'll ever get to
Italy is him, well, I'd rather sit in a

movie theater and dream about Rome than
stay here and watch his peppers droop.

Listen, listen, this is my birthday, and
you don't know what strings my nephew

had to pull to get these tickets.

have here.

It's him. It's him. It's him.

You're him.

Him who? I'm Lyle Bellamy, your host on
Beat the Devil. Are you folks from out

of town?

Yes. No.

Which town would you like us to be out
of?

We're from Tuckahoe.

Tuckahoe. And where's that?

In New York.

Wonderful. Say, you're pretty quick with
the answers. You might make a good

contestant. Oh, so would I. I know where
we're from, too.

It's my birthday, so doesn't that count
for something? Well, I guess I better

not ask you how old you are.

42. What do I win?

That's wonderful.

I'm Mrs. Arthur Dr.

Harmon, and this is Mr. Arthur Dr.
Harmon, and these are our friends, Mr.

and Walter Finley. Well, that's
wonderful.

That's absolutely wonderful. And what
are your names?

Uh, I'll take that one. Arthur, I
believe Mr.

Bellamy was making a joke.

That's wonderful.

Maybe not.

Well, it's been wonderful chatting with
you folks, and I hope you enjoy Beat the

Devil with your host, Lyle Bellamy.

Look, I don't want to spoil your
birthday. You stay here and have fun.

to see Roman Holiday. Mrs.

Harmon, Mrs. Finley, good news.

Lyle Bellamy has chosen you as
contestants on Beat the Devil with your

Lyle Bellamy.

Contestants? We'll be ushering you in in
just a moment.

What? We're going to be contestants?

We're going to be contestants on Beat
the Devil!

With your host, Lyle Bellamy, no way to
be. Wait a minute. What about me?

It's all your fault I didn't depict
Sally.

It is not my fault.

I begged him to come as lasagna.

Mario!

Why not give it a shot? It could be fun.
You could win some big prizes. Do you

think that I am the kind of person who
would debate herself?

on national television, jumping up and
down and screaming to win a chain -link

fence. I will have no part of it. You
know, Maude, we've been best friends for

long, long time.

Look, Vivian, Vivian, game shows bring
out the worst in people. Vivian, you'd

make a fool of yourself. I just thought
our friendship meant something to you.

Vivian, it does.

But, honey, I know you.

Vivian, you're the nervous type.

You know, you'd get out there and you'd
get excited and you'd start screaming

and yelling and jumping up and down and
look ridiculous.

Vivian, you'd humiliate yourself.

Now, you don't want to do that, do you?

Of course not.

Vivian, please don't cry.

Vivian, please don't cry. I hate it when
you cry. Well, if you want me to stop

crying, you know what words to say.

Stop crying.

At least if I'm with her, she won't make
a complete fool of herself.

Very good, very good.

Well, well, well, you ladies are
certainly doing well.

Oh, well, we'll be back right after this
word from one of our many wonderful

sponsors.

Okay, Lyle, we're off the air now.

Why can't you give me a clear cue?

All right, ladies, you can relax now.
We're going to put the commercials in.

Boy, this is agonizing.

Walter, what do you expect?

They've already won some very nice
prizes.

The portable radio, the beach umbrella,
and a three -year supply of Chungking

noodles.

They've won. What do you mean, they've
won?

Maude has answered all the questions.
Vivian hasn't said a word. She's just

sitting there staring straight ahead.

Oh, don't worry, Walter.

Speaking medically, as a doctor, I've
seen that condition a lot. You see, a

person under pressure can go into
temporary paralysis.

I've had it happen to myself when I'm in
the middle of an operation.

Wonderful. All right. Our two homemakers
from Tuckahoe and their opponents are

unemployed black man and his pretty
little wife.

The Burtons.

All right. Now, here's the toss -up
question in your category, movie

In the 1931 film classic, Public Enemy,
James Cagney pushed a grapefruit into

the face of a young and unknown actress.

Now, if you want to beat the devil, name
that actress.

That's right!

Now, now, let's take a look at what
you've won.

Right, Lyle, chain -link fence!

The lucky winner today sees this
beautiful fence.

Here we are giving chain -link fence.
What kind of prize is chain -link fence?

Oh, that's one heck of a prize, Walter.

Oh, my gosh, look at that.

With that gift certificate from J .C.
Penney, they will want to...

That's right, Johnny, over $3 ,400 worth
of merchandise and $15 in cash, making

a grand total of $3 ,415.

All right, Maude, Vivian, here's your
bonus question, so listen carefully.

In the original Tarzan... Elmo Lincoln.

Right.

and really top -notch homemakers, I'll
bet.

Whoop! Our time is up. Well, it's too
bad. The Burtons, Liz Dick, I'm sorry

didn't win.

But we do have some very nice parting
gifts for you, including our Beat the

Devil home game with your inflatable
host, Lyle Bellamy.

How about a fine hand for the Burtons?
Really good sport.

Thank you.

All right.

You have just qualified to come back
tomorrow and try for the Beelzebub

now. That's a big decision, so take your
time.

Here's what you could win should you
decide to come back.

if our contestants do opt to return,
they can win this lovely set of luggage,

which includes... Vivian.

Vivian.

I hate this, and I don't want to come
back. We won't come back, but at least

to look intelligent. We're on national
television. I mean, have a little

dignity. All standard -sized baggage
compartments are under any seat.

And all that luggage will come in handy,
Lyle, because they'll also be shooting

for a ten -day, all -expense -paid
vacation for four in historic Rome.

What's your decision?

Well, thank you very much. We're going
to beat the devil!

We're going to beat the devil!

Vivian! Vivian, I just spoke to the
producers.

We're going to be taping the next show
in just a few minutes.

And Vivian, they're going to give us all
new clothes to wear so it looks like

the next day.

Oh!

No, there's no time. Now, listen,
Vivian, we have to think of every movie

was ever made. From A to Z, Aaron Slick
from Punk and Crypt to Zombies on

Broadway. Now, now, let's start with the
A's.

Affair, Affair in Havana, Raymond Burr,
Lila Lazo. Lord, you've already won $5

,000 worth of prizes.

Affair in Trinidad, Rita Hayworth, Glenn
Ford.

Africa screams.

Abbott and Costello.

What?

If you go back on the show and you miss
a question, you will lose everything.

Oh, who cares? Arthur, all I want is
that trip to Rome. I'd risk anything for

that. B. B. Bad girl.

Anna Nagel. Wilfred Hyde. What?

Bad man of brimstone. Wallace Beery.
Virginia Bruce.

Bad for each other. What?

Charlton Heston.

Elizabeth Scott. I've never seen her
this way. The woman is possessed by

Possessed?

Joan Crawford. Clark Gable.

Gene Herschel, Zazu Pitts.

Ron, just look at you. You're turning
into a piggy. Piggy.

That's all, folks.

No, you're a piggy. You're a piggy,
piggy, piggy.

Oh, Vivian.

Vivian, you know I couldn't care less
about the prizes or the money.

All I want is that trip to Rome.

Vivian, don't you remember in college I
studied Italian?

You were taking French.

Yes, but I was dating Aldo Fabrizi.

All you ever learned from him was
grazie.

I had a lot to be thankful for.

Now, Vivian, we really have an awful lot
of work to do. See, see.

Captain Apache, Captain Courageous. I'm
not going back out there.

Vivian! Oh, she's right. Why don't we
just take our prizes and forget the game

show? We can all have a nice dinner in
Chinatown.

Chinatown! Jack Nicholson fades on away.

I'm not going to do it.

Vivian.

Vivian.

Vivian, have you any idea what your
friendship means to me? Vivian, do you

the first thing I do every morning?

Gargle?

No. I say, thank you, God, for giving me
a friend like

Vivian Harmon.

Then I gargle.

You do? Of course.

Oh, Vivian, we're best friends.

I mean, if you... We help each other. If
you need money, I'm there.

Vivian, if you need food for your table,
I'm there.

If you need a trip to Rome, I'm there.

Oh, sweet.

Now, do you mean after all these years,
you are going to tell me that you are

not the friend I think you are? Viv, is
that what you're going to tell me?

No, Mud, I wouldn't tell you that for
the world. Oh, what have I been thinking

of? Yourself.

Vivian.

You're right.

I'm the piggy.

I'm the piggy. I'm the piggy. I'm the
piggy. I'm the piggy.

I'm the piggy. There, there, there,
there.

I forgive you, dear.

And when we get to Rome, I'll have the
Pope forgive you, too.

Mrs.

Farman, Mrs. Finley, time to get down to
wardrobe, ladies.

Vivian, are you coming? Of course I am.
Oh, grazie, grazie.

Oh, mia grazie.

Did you see that?

Vivian is a real pushover.

People can get her to do anything.

I wonder why I can't.

And so, let's welcome back our two
ladies from Tuckahoe, New Jersey.

New York.

Wonderful.

Incidentally, we do want to welcome
station KTWO in Casper, Wyoming.

I'm fine, I'm fine. We're just going to
win the trip to Rome and then we will

leave. Good.

All right, Vivian and Maude, are you
ready for today's Beelzebub Bonanza?

Good!

And now for your trip to fabulous Roma.
Here is your question.

Now, we all know the legendary Douglas
Fairbanks Sr. was married to America's

sweetheart, the legendary Mary Pickford.
But what legendary movie star did the

legendary Douglas Fairbanks Jr.

marry?

Uh, uh, it was, uh... Mary Pickford Jr.?
Why did you do that? I had the name

right on the tip of my tongue. Go on and
say it. I can't think of it now, but I

can see her just as plain as day. Day?
Doris Day?

Well, what's she look like? Oh, I don't
know. I just see bushy eyebrows and big

padded shoulders.

Rosie Greer?

John Crawford!

John Crawford?

Elizabeth Bonanza Sweepstakes!

Oh, can you believe you expect us to go
on? I bet we would.

Here's where I stand to win.

Yes, that's right. You warm your
shoulders on those chilly Roman nights

full -length chinchilla coat designed
and tailored by the renowned dentist of

Venice.

Chinchilla. And to compliment your
coat... This stunning jeweled necklace

diamonds by Maury of Amsterdam.

Vivienne, diamonds.

No, no, no, no. And you look praised one
day in your diamonds and furs lounging

on the deck of your 36 -foot ocean
-going cabin cruiser. It's from Leisure

and it's a Jacques Cousteau autographed
model.

Vivienne. Vivienne.

feeling our two ladies from Tuckahoe,
Illinois, want to continue.

We'll go on. You go on.

All right. All right. All right, ladies.
Now, you have 15 seconds in which to

answer. We are about to show you a
picture of an infant who was the famous

trademark of a baby foo.

This baby grew up to be a famous
Hollywood movie star. Now, for the trip

Rome, the fur, the diamonds, the yacht,
and all the other prizes, name that.

That baby!

Tell him!

Tell him! Who is it? Who is it?

Who is it? Who is it?

Who?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Oh, I'm sorry. I blew everything. Oh,
try, try.

It's no use. My mind's a blank. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute. Don't answer the

trick question.

Look at that face. That's not a baby
food baby.

That's Humphrey Bogart. Humphrey Bogart?

my life, and I'm so thankful that I can
share it with you.

Hands off!

It's mine. I want it, and I deserve it.
All right, Maude, if you get the coat,

Vivian gets that necklace. No! No, no,
no. The diamonds are mine. She has all

the jewelry she needs. All I have is one
lousy wedding ring.

You kept them all, Piggy. No!

Mr.

Bellamy, I can't tell you how happy
you've made us all.

It's empty. My last bottle of scotch and
it's empty.

Why would you want a drink? You have
another show to do in a few minutes.

Because it's the only way I can go out
there and face those animals.

What animals?

The contestants.

People like you.

Hey, that's my wife. That's your
problem.

You don't know what it's like for me.

smiling and waving and being Mr. Nice
Guy.

I'm an actor.

I'm a well -trained dramatic actor. I
could have had a role with dignity, a

with some class.

I came this close to getting the lead in
Holmes and Yo -Yo.

Randy!

Oh, sweetheart, thank you for the
ticket.

This is my nephew, Randy, who got us the
ticket.

Oh, bless you, Randy.

You're responsible for all of this,
Vivian, given your chain -link fence.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

This usher, Randy, is your nephew?

That's right.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Dwayne, please relieve the lady from
Pennsylvania of her chinchilla coat and

diamond neck.

Dwayne, Dwayne, don't send them to
Pennsylvania.

Tuckahoe's in New York. Oh, we're not
going to send them anywhere.

You're disqualified.

What? That's right.

No contestant can be related to any
employee on our show. Those are the

You mean we can't keep any of the
prizes?

That's right, say, you catch on pretty
fast. You'd make a pretty good

on a game show. Come on, Randy.

Well, you see, sometimes you beat the
devil and sometimes the devil beats you.

Oh.

This is all my fault.

I was the one who put us through all
this. No, it's my fault. I got the

No, Vivian, I was greedy.

I've had just like every other game show
contestant.

Oh, it's hell to realize that inside
each and every one of us is a little man

a pizza suit screaming to get out.

Oh, but come on. Now, let's not forget
why we came to New York today in the

first place. I mean, we came for a very
special, very important reason.

Why the hell did we come to New York?

It's not.

We came because it was my birthday.

Of course.

You forgot it was my birthday.

Oh, good.

One more time. Come on. Happy birthday.