Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's one rider.

Last week, Walter's closest friends and business associates heard him say...

Today, I went bankrupt.

Mrs.

Kincaid? Maude Findlay, Sunset Real Estate.

Yeah, I'm just calling to tell you that I have an offer on your house.

$32 ,000.

Now, I don't find that insulting.

That I find insulting.

I know about this special landscaping, but unfortunately, not everyone is

desperate to own a garden with statues of the Twelve Apostles.

Oh, all right. Let me call the buyer back and see if I can get them to raise

their offer.

Still no luck with the Kincaid house. Oh, Carol, I would do anything to sell

that house. I mean, if we could just get a little money coming in, Walter

wouldn't be so depressed.

I mean, it's been three weeks now. I was sure he would have snapped out of it by

now. Well, I had Walter's prescription for sleeping pills refilled.

Carol, can you believe Walter Findlay taking sleeping pills?

Do they work?

Very well.

Ever since Arthur prescribed them, all Walter's done at night is sleep.

Poor mother.

He's not feeling too romantic these days, huh? It's been three weeks, Carol.

mean, it's just not like him. It's as though we lost his spirit.

Mother, who can blame him? Look what he's going through.

He's bankrupt, and he can't find a job. I know, I know. If there was only

something I could do for him. I have never seen him so despondent. I mean, he

looks at nothing but the negative side of everything.

The other night, we were watching television. He suddenly turned to me and

Sonny Bono is losing his looks.

I just hope Ned Hinckley comes through for him today.

Mrs. Dempsey?

Maude Findlay again.

Ned Hinckley?

Yeah, I just wanted to say that I just spoke to the owner of the house, and I

think we can close the deal if you're willing to come up just a little bit.

Of course, I'll wait. What do you mean, Ned Hinckley? I thought Walter was

playing golf with Arthur at the club today. He is, he is, but they're playing

with Ned Hinckley. Ned owns Fidelity Appliances. I know. He set it up. He

to talk to her. Hello?

Oh, you don't want to make another offer?

Oh, uh, Mrs. Dempsey, have I mentioned the landscaped garden with the charming

statues? They're terrific.

Ned wanted to merge his store with Walter's last year, didn't he? No, no,

are the Twelve Apostles, Mrs. Dempsey, not the Seven Dwarfs.

I think it's great. Yes, each apostle is hand -painted and imported from

Tijuana, Mexico.

What's that?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Dempsey. I had no idea you were Jewish.

Yeah, but then again, so were they.

No, not the seven dwarfs. The twelve apostles.

Well, please, call me if you should change your mind.

Mother, you should be excited.

Ned'll snap Walter up like that. They've been buddies since they were kids. Oh,

I hope so.

You know, for some reason, I have never trusted Ned Hinkley.

Oh, hi, Carol. Hi, Vivian. Hi, Maude.

Oh, Maude.

Walter just looked so depressed when he picked Arthur up this afternoon. I'm so

sorry.

Oh, Vivian, I am so worried about him. I know. Look, I ran across this article

in Liberated Lady magazine that may be a way you can help Walter.

Six hints on growing better avocados?

No, he...

Make the loser at the office a winner in the bedroom.

Oh, when I saw Walter's face, I just felt so sorry for you.

Oh, it just must be terrible not to be able to stimulate your husband.

Me? Oh, come on, really, Vivian.

Believe me, I don't need this article.

Oh, well, I thought you might, because it says if a man feels depressed over

some failure in business, he's afraid to make love because he might fail again.

Oh, now, really, Vivian, did you hear that, Carol?

So it's the wife's duty to seduce him and make him feel like a man again, see?

And tells you all the tricks.

candlelight and put seafoods to serve and special massages, balloons.

Really, Vivian, Walter Findlay afraid to make love.

That really makes me laugh.

Can I borrow this?

Oh, sure, you keep it. I don't need it.

Arthur's been very romantic lately.

Even better than on our honeymoon.

But then anything would be better than on our honeymoon.

Thank you, Viv.

Mother, you're not going to pay attention to that cornball article, are

I think this is the answer, Carol. This is written by a psychiatrist.

She says that a man who thinks he's a failure needs love.

And that a woman can help him by proving to him that he is still a man.

I guess that makes sense. Of course.

Mrs. Naga talks the way you're going out this evening. This is perfect.

What if Ned gives Walter a job?

Well, then it'll be a celebration.

But if not, I think this is the answer.

Of course, I'm not going to use any of these tricks that they list here. I'm

going to suggest... I know.

They always are. Carol, do we have any rope?

What a great time when we get together.

We sure do.

I'll say we do.

I'll get us some more chips.

Good old Walter.

Good old Ned.

Eighteen holes and not one word about the job.

Can you believe it? Walter, everything's going fine.

Ned never talks business out on the course.

Remember, he invited you. And he does need a new sales manager, right? All

right, now relax.

I can't relax.

Everybody's looking at me, feeling sorry for me.

If anybody in this club is feeling sorry for you, it's only because of the way

you putt.

Arthur,

maybe you better leave.

It'll be easy for me to talk to Ned.

Oh, sure thing. I'll take off just as soon as he gets back here. Anybody want

some beer, Ned? No, thanks. He's driving!

Oh, yeah. I have to be running along.

Say, I check the scorecard, Ned, and you're the big winner.

Here's my buck.

Oh, boy, do I love collecting these little bets.

It's my favorite kind of money.

Well, I know you guys got things to talk about, and I got a gallbladder waiting

for me over at the hospital.

Keep your head down, Arthur.

What a sense of humor.

That's what a good sales manager needs, and Waller's got it. Thanks, Arthur. Be

seeing you.

You see, he keeps him laughing.

And he keeps him buying.

Arthur, don't you have to get to the hospital?

There's no hurry. Just a little appendix.

Ball bladder.

How do you like that? He knows medicine, too.

He's a triple threat. Man, medicine, jokes, and appliances.

I tell you, Ned, it's that razor -sharp mind of his that's made Walter Finley

what he is today.

Well, I think I've said enough.

Boy, he's quite a guy.

He sure is.

And so are you, Walter.

Last night I was thinking, here I am, a man with a problem.

And suddenly I thought of you.

Sensational. I'm your man.

Walter, you know I hired Audrey, your shipping clerk. By the way, she thinks

world of you.

She's a good kid.

Anyway, let's get down to business.

Right, Ned.

Walter.

Walter.

I think Audrey's got the hots for me.

But I don't want to make a wrong move.

Do you think if I suggested a little weekend that...

What are you talking about? You just got remarried.

I know, but my wife's only 22.

Audrey's 28.

I like older women.

I came here to talk about a job, and you're talking about a weekend with my

shipping place. Shh, Walter, my wife's out there playing tennis.

What about the job?

Walter, I'm sorry. I thought you knew. I don't have any jobs open at my place.

What do you mean? Aren't you looking for a new sales manager?

No, I just hired one yesterday.

Why didn't you call me? I've been sitting at home for three weeks. You

was available.

Walter, I knew, but, well, frankly, I was looking for a much younger man.

Younger man.

Oh, I see.

You like older women, but younger men.

Hey, old buddy, I got to be running along.

I'm sorry, I really am.

Oh, Sidney, let me take that. No, you won't.

Walter, at least let me pick up the tan.

This one's on me.

Here.

Here's that book I lost to you at golf. Walter, I'm not going to take this. Come

on, take it.

Let me see you kiss it like you did Arthur.

Go ahead, kiss it.

Come on, kiss it.

Kiss my book.

Walter.

You sure are funny.

We've got to do this again real soon.

I keep forgetting what laughs we have when we get together.

Sure.

Can I borrow your pen, Sidney?

I'm sorry, Mr.

Finley.

You don't have a pen?

Yes, sir.

But the office said you can't sign your checks anymore.

You have to pay cash.

What's all this?

An intimate little dinner for two.

I've chilled the oysters.

I have the Hawaiian punch at room temperature.

We're celebrating.

I didn't get the job. That's what we're celebrating.

Walter, I never liked Ned Hinckley. No, I mean it. I mean it. He runs such a

cheap operation. Everything in his store was made in Taiwan.

You know what? He turned me down.

I'm too old. Now, that is nonsense.

In Taiwan, you're too old.

But here, well, every company in New York could use a man with your

Let's face it, Mort. I'm never going to get a job.

Now, look, Walter, come on. Let's forget your problems tonight. I want you to

relax.

We'll have a glass of Hawaiian punch before dinner.

Make mine a double. I've had a tough day.

Is this mine?

Yeah, Carol had your sleeping pills refilled.

Good. I'll need a couple tonight.

You want to bet?

Lord, it was so humiliating at the club today.

I mean, everybody kept looking at me like I was a loser.

The last time I was broke, I was 24 years old.

But then I was young and I had hope.

Now I don't have anything.

You know, I can't even go out and get drunk because I'm an alcoholic.

Good punch.

I'm scared, Melissa.

Now listen. Honey, tonight I want you to forget all your problems.

We have the house to ourselves.

This is our night, Walter.

We'll start it with a little music.

Shall we, Don?

How was song?

Oh, honey, let's just dance and hold each other very tight and be together.

As the golden strings of Montevani ask the musical question, Spanish eyes.

Oh, Maude. You know the last time we heard this song? Of course. It was three

weeks ago in that ratty cafe in Acapulco. And that's when I got the

I was bankrupt.

Now, forget about that. Walter, dance with me. I want your arms about me.

Oh, you stepped on my toe.

Walter, where are your shoes?

I sold them to pay the bar check at the club.

They wouldn't let me sign.

You sold your shoes?

To whom?

Sidney, the waiter.

It was $60 floor shams. He was thrilled to get them for $15.

I don't believe you. Neither do I. I wear a 9 .5B. He wears a 10T.

You sold your shoes?

What could I do?

I didn't have any money.

I said it was humiliating.

Oh, sweetheart, I know what you must be going through.

But darling, you're not going through it alone.

I'm here.

I'm going to help you, Walter.

Honey, I'm going to smooth away your troubles.

Oh, that's great.

That feels so good.

Wait a minute.

I want to bite your ear.

And right after dinner, Walter.

Maude, that's illegal. Only in New Jersey.

I love it.

Do the lower back, please.

Make the loser at the office the winner in the bedroom?

So that's what this is all about. Oh, Walter, don't be silly. I didn't even

notice that article. Here, this is the article I was reading.

Thick hints on growing better avocados?

It was so interesting. Walter, I have learned things about avocados I never

before. Did you learn we don't have an avocado tree?

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to make this a very special night for you. I wanted to take

mind off your problems.

Sweetheart, you don't have to use any tricks on me.

You smell good.

Will you remember the last time I wore this perfume?

How could I forget?

We're on our way to visit your sister in a hospital. That's right. She had the

three -day flu.

And we wound up in a motel.

She got out of the hospital before we got out of the motel.

What a weekend.

Honey, we've had a lot of weekends like that.

Some of them on Wednesdays.

We sure have.

I think I'm not going to need any sleeping pills tonight.

Let's get started on the weekend.

Oh, Maud, you're all I need in the

world. I love you.

Oh.

What is it?

Ah, nothing, nothing.

Oh.

Come on, Walter.

Give it a chance.

No more. Forget it.

Sweetheart, I don't want you to feel any pressure.

We have all the time in the world. I don't want any sympathy.

I'm sick of people giving me sympathy.

Walter, please, will you just calm down? Will you relax? You're getting yourself

all excited. No, I'm not.

That's the problem.

Look, Walter, I'm your wife. I understand.

You don't understand anything.

If you understood, you wouldn't have done this to me.

Maud, you must be dead tired. Why don't you stop that pacing?

Vivian, my husband has been missing for three hours. I'm supposed to pace.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I should be more sensitive when you're so worried about Walter.

Here I sit, chattering away, when for all you know, he could be dead.

Vivian, will you stop?

Vivian, my husband ran out of this house three hours ago, humiliated.

It's all my fault.

What if he's been hit by a car? What if he's been mugged?

What if he picked up a floozy?

He already had his shoes off.

You know, Vivian, you would be so much better off if you didn't say the first

thing that comes to your mind.

Or anything that comes to your mind.

Any word, Martin?

Nothing.

I checked over at the country club, just in case he went back there for any

reason. I thought I saw him in the men's room in one of the stalls.

But it turned out to be Sidney, the waiter.

Marty, I think we're just going to have to face it.

I'm afraid Walter has fallen off the wagon and he's out there drinking

someplace. I want to tell you something, Arthur, that I never thought I'd say,

because you know how I detest his drinking.

All I want is for Walter to come through that door, drunk or sober. I'd be so

happy, I wouldn't care.

I know how you feel.

Mother, I found him. He's all right.

I'm so happy that you're here and that you're all right and that you have a

doctor.

He followed me home.

I kept walking through puddles.

Why? He's drunk as a skunk.

I'll make some coffee.

He doesn't drink coffee.

Walter, I'm so glad to see you and your little friend. What's his name?

Donald.

No, Donald Peabody.

This isn't a joke, Doc.

Come on, I'll get you a glass of water.

Where'd you find him, Karen?

I had a hunch while I was driving around, so I drove down Elm Street, and

he was, sitting on the curb in front of his old store with that duck.

Now, look, don't you say that in front of Walter. If there's one thing he

doesn't want, it's sympathy.

Now, he's home, and he's happy, and let's just let him sleep it off.

Ward.

Ward,

please go up and fill the tub in the guest bathroom.

I promised Donald he could sleep over.

Come on, Eddie. I'm going to get you up to bed. Just a second. Let me take a

look at those big, beautiful eyes of yours, Walter.

He has.

Eyes of blue. I never cared for eyes of blue, but he has eyes of blue. That's my

weakness now.

Come on, honey. Up we go.

Up we go. Come on, everybody.

Let's all go upstairs.

Maude's going to show you how to make a loser in the office an avocado in the

bedroom.

Honey, it's almost midnight. It's way past your bedtime. Oh, no, no, no. Right

here. Right there.

As I go up these stairs, you see, I just want to remember you just as you are at

this moment.

And when it's 12 o 'clock, I climb this... There

I never knock.

Cause nobody's there.

What was that all about?

Marty, I'm not sure that he's drunk. Oh, come on. I didn't smell any liquor on

his breath and I didn't like the way his eyes looked.

Carol, tell Vivian to hurry upstairs with that coffee.

Maude, when was this refilled?

This morning.

Call the emergency squad. Get the operator.

Tell him it's urgent.

Maude, the phone.

The phone, Maude. Come on, come on. Come on, come on.

Come on, let's wake up.

Walter,

how could you do this to me? Come on, boy.

Come on, we're going to wake up. Oh, Walter, please don't wake me. Come on,

Walter. I'm going to wake up.

Come on, Walter.