Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Maude,

Chester, it's hard to believe that we're all back in my law

offices after all these years.

You know, I was just trying to remember.

When did you two get married? Oh, Harry, is it important?

I mean, I just spent two hours with my least favorite ex -husband.

I'd really like to get the damn thing over with.

I was just wondering, when did you two get married?

It was like June of 1950, wasn't it, Maude?

November 1952. Or was it May 1950?

No, that was the Korean War.

What's the difference? I've never had any memories of dates. No, be neat. I'm

terrible at dates. Well, when did you two get a divorce?

April 10th, 1954.

At 2 .30.

Right. Now, all we have to do is Xerox this stuff, sign it, and by next week,

that five acres in Maine is going to belong to another happy couple.

Listen, you know, at 6 .30, you're kind of late.

How would you like to finish all this on Monday? Oh, no, no, no. Good for me.

That's good for me. I have not seen you in 20 years. You have not changed. You

are still willing to push everything off until tomorrow. I have always hated

that. Look, Maude, it's Friday. The guy wants to go home. How long will it take?

I will Xerox the documents myself.

We can sign them and get it over.

Harry, aren't you going to answer the phone?

Oh, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting I'm the last one here.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Harriet.

Listen, I'm going to be a little late tonight.

Yeah, well, I'm tied up with a divorced couple who have some property up here in

Maine. They want to split it up. Divorced couple?

Tell the truth, Chester. The day we got married, did you ever think that we'd

end up being referred to as a divorced couple?

Thought flashed through my mind.

That was one of the problems with our marriage. Most of the things that made

into your mind just flashed through.

Listen,

can you hang on? I want to take this to my office.

You know the problem with you two.

You just don't know how to get along with one another.

I really think Harry's wasting his time in law. I mean, with insight like that,

he could have been my mother.

Listen, by the way, how is your mother? Look, Chester, don't start on my mother.

Ward. Ward.

I am not starting anything. I have not seen your mother in 20 years. I was just

wondering how she is. And that is all.

I'm sorry, Chester. No, she's fine. She's just fine. Too bad.

Unfortunately, my poor father is dead. Or else I could cheer you up with some

bad news about him.

In my life.

You know, I have to admit, you were the only person who knew how to talk to my

father. That's because he never knew that that blank stare was your idea of

holding your own in a conversation.

That's perfect.

That's perfect. That is so typical.

I haven't seen you in 20 years, so why don't we just spend the time talking

about how dumb I was.

Chester, we only have five minutes.

Besides, I never knew whether you were smart or dumb. You were never home long

enough for me to find out.

You weren't over the high school coaching your football team. I'm going

you bunch of wimpies into a team, or my name isn't old Ironhead.

But... What?

I was Ironbutt, not Ironhead.

Sorry, Chester, but with you, it's an understandable mix -up.

Anyway, if you weren't over at the high school, you were over at Golden Gloves,

teaching little boys how to hit each other in the face. Maud. Or else you

whooping it up at, uh, at, uh, that grill.

Farragut. Farragut. That's right. Look, Maud, if I would appreciate it, if you

would just move this thing along, would you? All right, all right. Will you just

be quiet and let me concentrate on what I'm doing? All right, I won't say a

word. It'll be just like we're married again.

Can we wind this up long?

Oh, terrific.

Harriet, we're in luck.

Well, it looks like they just left.

That's a shame.

Divorces can really be nasty.

I'm so glad ours is going along so smoothly.

Hey, listen.

I can still catch the 652. Bye.

I'm almost finished. We'll be out of here in no time.

Not that I imagine you have any pressing engagements to go to dressed like that.

Why, what's the matter with the way I'm dressed?

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. I mean, it makes perfect sense to show up for a

business meeting at a lawyer's office in midtown Manhattan dressed like a

Concord grape.

There you go again, Maude. Always a little joke at my expense.

Slam dunk.

I'm sorry, Chester. In fact, you look very attractive in that windbreaker.

Thank you.

I sell these now.

You're kidding.

$34 .95.

40 % polyester, 50 % cotton, machine washable,

six different colors. Who cares, Chester?

Who cares?

You mean you don't teach phys ed anymore? No, no, I've got my own company

sporting good. I've got over 30 employees.

What are you staring at?

I was just remembering that gorgeous young Greek god who made football

at Newton High.

Oh, yes.

Still hold the school record, right?

Hey, 22 touchdowns in one season.

The only time you ever spoke to me was once when you asked me to hold your

letterman's sweater so you could crawl under the bleachers with Mary Louise

Walchek.

Mary Louise Walchek, huh?

I held a school record with her, too.

I don't think I ever saw her without grass stains on her blouse.

Gee, I wonder whatever happened to her.

She's still the organist at her father's church.

Anyway, the next thing I knew, and this was years later, Barney had died, I was

a young widow with a small child, and suddenly there you were, back in my life

again. That was our class reunion, wasn't it? You know, you seemed so

in me.

I kept wondering what a brainy girl like you saw in a guy like me. I used to ask

myself the same question.

But after we were married, when I was home alone and you were down at

Farragher's... Come on, now. It's 20 years. Now, let's not dig up all that

again. What the hell was the big attraction down at Farragher's? I liked

watch TV with the guys. We had television at home. We had beer at home.

had you at home.

We're two grown -up, mature people. Can't we spend five minutes without

away at each other? Look, let's face it. There was never any love lost between

us. I mean, all you did was aggravate me. I... I aggravated you? How about all

the little things you used to aggravate me?

Like when I used to brush my teeth there, you'd have a sink full of combs

silk stockings or something. You want to talk? Yeah, I want to talk. You want to

talk? Go ahead. How about how you woke up every morning snorting with that

poached egg?

And the way you ate poached eggs with your mouth open. I never ate poached

with my mouth open.

You cannot eat poached eggs with your mouth open.

And if you're having wife problems when you're married, I'll be damned if I want

them when I'm single.

I'm getting out. Great, great. Go ahead.

It's been great seeing you again, Maude. Put a couple of my copies in the mail,

will you please?

I'm out of the door. It's stuck.

Hey, wait a minute. That's not stuck. It's locked.

Chester, use your head. The door isn't locked.

Harry, would you please open the door from your side? It seems to be stuck

Harry?

Fill it out your ditty bag.

Oh, my God. I bet Harry's gone home. Wait a minute.

Don't panic. Here's a phone.

This is for incoming calls only. Who is you?

I think this is just for incoming calls.

That's what it says.

This means we could be stuck here for the weekend.

Chester, this is serious.

I know it is. With your mouth, we'll be out of oxygen in ten minutes.

Let's just stop, huh?

Okay. I mean, why don't we forget that we were married and be friends?

Fine with me. Okay. I mean, why spend the entire weekend talking about what a

rotten husband you were?

I was not a rotten husband. You were a rotten husband, end of conversation,

period. What period?

Comma. Comma. Comma.

You've been going to night school.

There you go again. You see, I could never talk to you. You would never pay

attention to me when I wanted to have a conversation with you. The only time you

wanted to have a conversation with me was when I was just falling asleep. You

were always just falling asleep.

There's never anything that fantastic to stay awake to.

Tell that to Mary Louise, won't you?

It's a perfect copy of my entire forearm.

Isn't that terrific?

Here and over.

What time is it, Chester? I told you, five minutes ago.

Won't you even tell me the time when I ask you? Five minutes ago was 9 .25. It

is now 9 .30. In five minutes, it'll be 9 .35.

Saved! Incoming call.

Hello? Hello? Look, please, don't say anything. Let me talk.

We're locked up.

A heavy breather.

What? There was a heavy breather on the other end.

Get him up here, will you? Get him up here.

Talk sexy to him. Get him up here.

you have in mind, and it sounds interesting.

What do I look like? Oh, uh, imagine a pair of lazy eyes like dark, limpid

pools, and then move on to lips that are red and moist and throbbing,

and then head south to a body like a hot, sun -ripened mango.

And, uh... And now that you have me in the mood, why don't you just hustle up

the 39th floor, 1240 Avenue of the Americas, and... What do you mean

make you sick?

How can anything make you sick after what you just suggested?

Well, wait a minute, please, if you can't come up, will you at least call a

policeman?

He is a policeman.

Oh, but I am... I'm starved. Oh, so am I.

Oh, right now I could kill for a piece of chocolate.

Chocolate is nature's most perfect food. Did you know that, Chester?

I never knew that.

It's proven by an independent testing laboratory in Hershey, Pennsylvania.

Have you got anything to eat in your bag?

No, not unless you think a banaca blast is nourishing.

I remember you used to carry Oreos and Fig Newtons and gins of snaps.

It was just for Carol when she was little. I know, you spoiled that kid

How can you be so bitter about cookies you haven't seen for 20 years?

Because it was always Oreos and Fig Newtons for Carol.

Never Malamars for me.

I love Malamars.

Never bought me Malamars.

I don't believe it. You are still jealous of Carol. I was never jealous of

Carol. You are jealous of Carol, admit it. Why should I be jealous of a little

girl? I could beat her at everything.

Checkers, ping pong, badminton.

Boxing, wrestling, weightlifting.

That's right, that's right. Just avoid the issue like you always did. Maud, I

adored Carol.

Okay.

Then why wouldn't you adopt her?

Why?

That was your fault, because I could never live up to your idea of the

father.

Reading A is for Apple was not me.

Understand? Ending A is for Apple was not June.

Blow it out your ditty bag.

I've said it before and I will say it again.

Divorce with the wrong man is hell.

That's it.

But I suppose I should thank you for at least making that decision easy. No, you

didn't make that decision. I decided to divorce you. Just a moment, Chester. I

distinctly remember.

We were over at the Bradfords for that swimming party.

Right. We were in their bedroom putting on our bathing suits, and you said

something to me that made me suddenly realize I wanted a divorce.

What did I say?

You said, I want a divorce.

I never said that. Oh, come on. Now, Chester, one of us had to say it. I

it didn't just happen.

We never said it.

We never even talked about it. We came home from the party that day. I packed

bag, you just sat there, and you let me walk out.

We got a divorce without ever actually deciding.

Right, and more, I don't actually remember us deciding to get married,

Oh, just a minute.

And maybe we don't remember which of us decided to get the divorce, but there is

no doubt who decided we should get married.

My mother.

My sister and her husband.

And all our friends.

I think it was because we looked right walking into a room together.

Oh, that's a great reason. Everybody assumed it, and then we just went ahead

did it, huh? Boy.

We stumbled into marriage, and then...

We stumbled out of it.

Oh, Chester, that's so sad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I... I have

no idea.

No, it's all right. It's all right. No, it's all right.

How do you like it? It's very attractive. Yes, it is.

You know, I looked into hair transplants.

But the hair transplants are very expensive, and it hurts, too.

It's very good when it's only $125.

Non -static nylon, color -fixed. You go to a singles bar, it's nice because you

want to pick up a few chicks. Who cares, Chester?

I'm sorry, Chester. You know something?

I like you better without it.

You do?

You know something, Mort?

You really do have luscious lips. Can I ever tell you that?

Those lazy eyes, dark limpet pools, and that sun -ripened

body like a mango.

I just said those things to try to get a degenerate interested in me.

It worked.

Think about it, Maud. You know, here we are, locked up together here. We don't

even know what's going on in the outside world. I mean, maybe a Russian plane

with an atomic bomb is heading right now to New York City.

Chester. Yeah?

Chester, in case the bomb hits, I think Walter would feel better if he found our

bones in two separate piles.

Why don't you just forget about Walter?

Forget about everything, will you? Just think about it. Be reasonable. Not on

the Xerox machine. A copy might get back to Walter.

Perfect.

Perfect? What do you mean, perfect? You could have just said no, you know. You

don't have to pull out one of your famous witty lines. You know, you always

to be witty more, don't you?

Well, I've always hated that.

Oh, really? Yes.

It just so happens that other people love it. Well... Of course, you never

to worry about being liked.

Big, football, hero. You were always popular.

Yes. Until I married you.

That's a cheap shot, Chester, and you know it. Well, it's true, Maude. You

always more important.

What? Yes, people were always more interested in you.

I don't understand.

Well, just thank God for Farragut's Bar and Grill, a guy down there like me for

myself. I just knew that I scored 24 points against John Marshall High

I didn't have to feel afraid that they were going to...

Feel afraid?

Afraid? You afraid?

Wow.

Boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Hmm. Yes, I was afraid.

I was just afraid, Moe, and I was afraid that I wasn't important anymore.

I couldn't compete with you.

You were always so...

Confidence.

Confidence. I was scared to death. What are you talking about? Scared to death.

I learned in high school that if a girl wanted to be popular, she either had to

be gorgeous or funny. So I decided to be funny because, let's face it, I was

never gorgeous.

Just terribly attractive.

Inside, I was scared.

I was scared of you, too.

You mean... You mean you didn't hate me?

Did you hate me?

No, I was scared, afraid.

Same with me.

Oh, Maude.

Why didn't we talk like this 20 years ago, huh?

I guess we were afraid.

Maude.

Don't even suggest.

Maude, we just wiped away 20 years of bitterness. Look, I know what you're

reading. It could be the sweetest, most loving, tender moment that we ever

shared.

Kevin, there is a God.

No, I'm the cleaning lady.

Wouldn't you know, the cleaning lady.

You want me to come back later? No, no, no. We were just on our way out. God

bless you.

Why don't we stop off and get a bite to eat before I go home? We can sign these

there. Huh?

Huh?

I was never so sorry to be rescued in all of my life.

Listen, Mort, tell me something. If all this had happened 20 years ago, you

think things would have been different?

I know it.

If we knew then what we know now, it wouldn't have been all this bitterness.

We could have had a happy and a healthy, marvelous, wonderful divorce.

Boo!