All language subtitles for maude_s05e02_maude_and_chester

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's
Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.

That uncompromising, enterprising,
anything but tranquilizing. Maude,

Chester, it's hard to believe that we're
all back in my law

offices after all these years.

You know, I was just trying to remember.

When did you two get married? Oh, Harry,
is it important?

I mean, I just spent two hours with my
least favorite ex -husband.

I'd really like to get the damn thing
over with.

I was just wondering, when did you two
get married?

It was like June of 1950, wasn't it,
Maude?

November 1952. Or was it May 1950?

No, that was the Korean War.

What's the difference? I've never had
any memories of dates. No, be neat. I'm

terrible at dates. Well, when did you
two get a divorce?

April 10th, 1954.

At 2 .30.

Right. Now, all we have to do is Xerox
this stuff, sign it, and by next week,

that five acres in Maine is going to
belong to another happy couple.

Listen, you know, at 6 .30, you're kind
of late.

How would you like to finish all this on
Monday? Oh, no, no, no. Good for me.

That's good for me. I have not seen you
in 20 years. You have not changed. You

are still willing to push everything off
until tomorrow. I have always hated

that. Look, Maude, it's Friday. The guy
wants to go home. How long will it take?

I will Xerox the documents myself.

We can sign them and get it over.

Harry, aren't you going to answer the
phone?

Oh, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting I'm the
last one here.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Harriet.

Listen, I'm going to be a little late
tonight.

Yeah, well, I'm tied up with a divorced
couple who have some property up here in

Maine. They want to split it up.
Divorced couple?

Tell the truth, Chester. The day we got
married, did you ever think that we'd

end up being referred to as a divorced
couple?

Thought flashed through my mind.

That was one of the problems with our
marriage. Most of the things that made

into your mind just flashed through.

Listen,

can you hang on? I want to take this to
my office.

You know the problem with you two.

You just don't know how to get along
with one another.

I really think Harry's wasting his time
in law. I mean, with insight like that,

he could have been my mother.

Listen, by the way, how is your mother?
Look, Chester, don't start on my mother.

Ward. Ward.

I am not starting anything. I have not
seen your mother in 20 years. I was just

wondering how she is. And that is all.

I'm sorry, Chester. No, she's fine.
She's just fine. Too bad.

Unfortunately, my poor father is dead.
Or else I could cheer you up with some

bad news about him.

In my life.

You know, I have to admit, you were the
only person who knew how to talk to my

father. That's because he never knew
that that blank stare was your idea of

holding your own in a conversation.

That's perfect.

That's perfect. That is so typical.

I haven't seen you in 20 years, so why
don't we just spend the time talking

about how dumb I was.

Chester, we only have five minutes.

Besides, I never knew whether you were
smart or dumb. You were never home long

enough for me to find out.

You weren't over the high school
coaching your football team. I'm going

you bunch of wimpies into a team, or my
name isn't old Ironhead.

But... What?

I was Ironbutt, not Ironhead.

Sorry, Chester, but with you, it's an
understandable mix -up.

Anyway, if you weren't over at the high
school, you were over at Golden Gloves,

teaching little boys how to hit each
other in the face. Maud. Or else you

whooping it up at, uh, at, uh, that
grill.

Farragut. Farragut. That's right. Look,
Maud, if I would appreciate it, if you

would just move this thing along, would
you? All right, all right. Will you just

be quiet and let me concentrate on what
I'm doing? All right, I won't say a

word. It'll be just like we're married
again.

Can we wind this up long?

Oh, terrific.

Harriet, we're in luck.

Well, it looks like they just left.

That's a shame.

Divorces can really be nasty.

I'm so glad ours is going along so
smoothly.

Hey, listen.

I can still catch the 652. Bye.

I'm almost finished. We'll be out of
here in no time.

Not that I imagine you have any pressing
engagements to go to dressed like that.

Why, what's the matter with the way I'm
dressed?

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. I mean, it
makes perfect sense to show up for a

business meeting at a lawyer's office in
midtown Manhattan dressed like a

Concord grape.

There you go again, Maude. Always a
little joke at my expense.

Slam dunk.

I'm sorry, Chester. In fact, you look
very attractive in that windbreaker.

Thank you.

I sell these now.

You're kidding.

$34 .95.

40 % polyester, 50 % cotton, machine
washable,

six different colors. Who cares,
Chester?

Who cares?

You mean you don't teach phys ed
anymore? No, no, I've got my own company

sporting good. I've got over 30
employees.

What are you staring at?

I was just remembering that gorgeous
young Greek god who made football

at Newton High.

Oh, yes.

Still hold the school record, right?

Hey, 22 touchdowns in one season.

The only time you ever spoke to me was
once when you asked me to hold your

letterman's sweater so you could crawl
under the bleachers with Mary Louise

Walchek.

Mary Louise Walchek, huh?

I held a school record with her, too.

I don't think I ever saw her without
grass stains on her blouse.

Gee, I wonder whatever happened to her.

She's still the organist at her father's
church.

Anyway, the next thing I knew, and this
was years later, Barney had died, I was

a young widow with a small child, and
suddenly there you were, back in my life

again. That was our class reunion,
wasn't it? You know, you seemed so

in me.

I kept wondering what a brainy girl like
you saw in a guy like me. I used to ask

myself the same question.

But after we were married, when I was
home alone and you were down at

Farragher's... Come on, now. It's 20
years. Now, let's not dig up all that

again. What the hell was the big
attraction down at Farragher's? I liked

watch TV with the guys. We had
television at home. We had beer at home.

had you at home.

We're two grown -up, mature people.
Can't we spend five minutes without

away at each other? Look, let's face it.
There was never any love lost between

us. I mean, all you did was aggravate
me. I... I aggravated you? How about all

the little things you used to aggravate
me?

Like when I used to brush my teeth
there, you'd have a sink full of combs

silk stockings or something. You want to
talk? Yeah, I want to talk. You want to

talk? Go ahead. How about how you woke
up every morning snorting with that

poached egg?

And the way you ate poached eggs with
your mouth open. I never ate poached

with my mouth open.

You cannot eat poached eggs with your
mouth open.

And if you're having wife problems when
you're married, I'll be damned if I want

them when I'm single.

I'm getting out. Great, great. Go ahead.

It's been great seeing you again, Maude.
Put a couple of my copies in the mail,

will you please?

I'm out of the door. It's stuck.

Hey, wait a minute. That's not stuck.
It's locked.

Chester, use your head. The door isn't
locked.

Harry, would you please open the door
from your side? It seems to be stuck

Harry?

Fill it out your ditty bag.

Oh, my God. I bet Harry's gone home.
Wait a minute.

Don't panic. Here's a phone.

This is for incoming calls only. Who is
you?

I think this is just for incoming calls.

That's what it says.

This means we could be stuck here for
the weekend.

Chester, this is serious.

I know it is. With your mouth, we'll be
out of oxygen in ten minutes.

Let's just stop, huh?

Okay. I mean, why don't we forget that
we were married and be friends?

Fine with me. Okay. I mean, why spend
the entire weekend talking about what a

rotten husband you were?

I was not a rotten husband. You were a
rotten husband, end of conversation,

period. What period?

Comma. Comma. Comma.

You've been going to night school.

There you go again. You see, I could
never talk to you. You would never pay

attention to me when I wanted to have a
conversation with you. The only time you

wanted to have a conversation with me
was when I was just falling asleep. You

were always just falling asleep.

There's never anything that fantastic to
stay awake to.

Tell that to Mary Louise, won't you?

It's a perfect copy of my entire
forearm.

Isn't that terrific?

Here and over.

What time is it, Chester? I told you,
five minutes ago.

Won't you even tell me the time when I
ask you? Five minutes ago was 9 .25. It

is now 9 .30. In five minutes, it'll be
9 .35.

Saved! Incoming call.

Hello? Hello? Look, please, don't say
anything. Let me talk.

We're locked up.

A heavy breather.

What? There was a heavy breather on the
other end.

Get him up here, will you? Get him up
here.

Talk sexy to him. Get him up here.

you have in mind, and it sounds
interesting.

What do I look like? Oh, uh, imagine a
pair of lazy eyes like dark, limpid

pools, and then move on to lips that are
red and moist and throbbing,

and then head south to a body like a
hot, sun -ripened mango.

And, uh... And now that you have me in
the mood, why don't you just hustle up

the 39th floor, 1240 Avenue of the
Americas, and... What do you mean

make you sick?

How can anything make you sick after
what you just suggested?

Well, wait a minute, please, if you
can't come up, will you at least call a

policeman?

He is a policeman.

Oh, but I am... I'm starved. Oh, so am
I.

Oh, right now I could kill for a piece
of chocolate.

Chocolate is nature's most perfect food.
Did you know that, Chester?

I never knew that.

It's proven by an independent testing
laboratory in Hershey, Pennsylvania.

Have you got anything to eat in your
bag?

No, not unless you think a banaca blast
is nourishing.

I remember you used to carry Oreos and
Fig Newtons and gins of snaps.

It was just for Carol when she was
little. I know, you spoiled that kid

How can you be so bitter about cookies
you haven't seen for 20 years?

Because it was always Oreos and Fig
Newtons for Carol.

Never Malamars for me.

I love Malamars.

Never bought me Malamars.

I don't believe it. You are still
jealous of Carol. I was never jealous of

Carol. You are jealous of Carol, admit
it. Why should I be jealous of a little

girl? I could beat her at everything.

Checkers, ping pong, badminton.

Boxing, wrestling, weightlifting.

That's right, that's right. Just avoid
the issue like you always did. Maud, I

adored Carol.

Okay.

Then why wouldn't you adopt her?

Why?

That was your fault, because I could
never live up to your idea of the

father.

Reading A is for Apple was not me.

Understand? Ending A is for Apple was
not June.

Blow it out your ditty bag.

I've said it before and I will say it
again.

Divorce with the wrong man is hell.

That's it.

But I suppose I should thank you for at
least making that decision easy. No, you

didn't make that decision. I decided to
divorce you. Just a moment, Chester. I

distinctly remember.

We were over at the Bradfords for that
swimming party.

Right. We were in their bedroom putting
on our bathing suits, and you said

something to me that made me suddenly
realize I wanted a divorce.

What did I say?

You said, I want a divorce.

I never said that. Oh, come on. Now,
Chester, one of us had to say it. I

it didn't just happen.

We never said it.

We never even talked about it. We came
home from the party that day. I packed

bag, you just sat there, and you let me
walk out.

We got a divorce without ever actually
deciding.

Right, and more, I don't actually
remember us deciding to get married,

Oh, just a minute.

And maybe we don't remember which of us
decided to get the divorce, but there is

no doubt who decided we should get
married.

My mother.

My sister and her husband.

And all our friends.

I think it was because we looked right
walking into a room together.

Oh, that's a great reason. Everybody
assumed it, and then we just went ahead

did it, huh? Boy.

We stumbled into marriage, and then...

We stumbled out of it.

Oh, Chester, that's so sad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I... I have

no idea.

No, it's all right. It's all right. No,
it's all right.

How do you like it? It's very
attractive. Yes, it is.

You know, I looked into hair
transplants.

But the hair transplants are very
expensive, and it hurts, too.

It's very good when it's only $125.

Non -static nylon, color -fixed. You go
to a singles bar, it's nice because you

want to pick up a few chicks. Who cares,
Chester?

I'm sorry, Chester. You know something?

I like you better without it.

You do?

You know something, Mort?

You really do have luscious lips. Can I
ever tell you that?

Those lazy eyes, dark limpet pools, and
that sun -ripened

body like a mango.

I just said those things to try to get a
degenerate interested in me.

It worked.

Think about it, Maud. You know, here we
are, locked up together here. We don't

even know what's going on in the outside
world. I mean, maybe a Russian plane

with an atomic bomb is heading right now
to New York City.

Chester. Yeah?

Chester, in case the bomb hits, I think
Walter would feel better if he found our

bones in two separate piles.

Why don't you just forget about Walter?

Forget about everything, will you? Just
think about it. Be reasonable. Not on

the Xerox machine. A copy might get back
to Walter.

Perfect.

Perfect? What do you mean, perfect? You
could have just said no, you know. You

don't have to pull out one of your
famous witty lines. You know, you always

to be witty more, don't you?

Well, I've always hated that.

Oh, really? Yes.

It just so happens that other people
love it. Well... Of course, you never

to worry about being liked.

Big, football, hero. You were always
popular.

Yes. Until I married you.

That's a cheap shot, Chester, and you
know it. Well, it's true, Maude. You

always more important.

What? Yes, people were always more
interested in you.

I don't understand.

Well, just thank God for Farragut's Bar
and Grill, a guy down there like me for

myself. I just knew that I scored 24
points against John Marshall High

I didn't have to feel afraid that they
were going to...

Feel afraid?

Afraid? You afraid?

Wow.

Boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Hmm. Yes, I was afraid.

I was just afraid, Moe, and I was afraid
that I wasn't important anymore.

I couldn't compete with you.

You were always so...

Confidence.

Confidence. I was scared to death. What
are you talking about? Scared to death.

I learned in high school that if a girl
wanted to be popular, she either had to

be gorgeous or funny. So I decided to be
funny because, let's face it, I was

never gorgeous.

Just terribly attractive.

Inside, I was scared.

I was scared of you, too.

You mean... You mean you didn't hate me?

Did you hate me?

No, I was scared, afraid.

Same with me.

Oh, Maude.

Why didn't we talk like this 20 years
ago, huh?

I guess we were afraid.

Maude.

Don't even suggest.

Maude, we just wiped away 20 years of
bitterness. Look, I know what you're

reading. It could be the sweetest, most
loving, tender moment that we ever

shared.

Kevin, there is a God.

No, I'm the cleaning lady.

Wouldn't you know, the cleaning lady.

You want me to come back later? No, no,
no. We were just on our way out. God

bless you.

Why don't we stop off and get a bite to
eat before I go home? We can sign these

there. Huh?

Huh?

I was never so sorry to be rescued in
all of my life.

Listen, Mort, tell me something. If all
this had happened 20 years ago, you

think things would have been different?

I know it.

If we knew then what we know now, it
wouldn't have been all this bitterness.

We could have had a happy and a healthy,
marvelous, wonderful divorce.

Boo!