Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on,

Mrs. Naugatuck, will you please hurry? We have to be at the funeral home in

an hour. Yes.

Why, tonight, of all nights...

Did I let Vivian talk me into going to that ridiculous charity affair?

I mean, how can we possibly first go to poor Hattie Flanagan's funeral and then

rush right out to a ball?

Will you be careful with that needle?

If I start bleeding at Hattie Flanagan's funeral, she'll think I'm showing off.

You're doing me flippin' best. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I snapped at you. I really am. It's just that, oh, I'm so depressed

and so upset at the ordeal I'm going to have to go through in a little while.

And these parties of Vivian's are a drag.

Mother! Oh, hello, dear.

Mother, what a great dress!

Oh, well, thank you, Carol.

Is that for Hattie Flanagan's funeral or the daughters of Tuckahoe Charity Ball?

Both.

You see, I want to look bereaved at the funeral, yet bored at the ball.

All finished, ma 'am. Oh, thank you, dear. That hymn should hold as long as

don't dance too hard. Oh, I won't. The band tonight is Victor Frohman and his

all -accordion orchestra.

I mean, how many times can you dance to Lady of Spain?

Well, don't give up. Perhaps the organist at the funeral will play

catchy.

Don't wait up for me, Mother.

Carol, what do you mean? You're going to the funeral with us.

No, I have a date with Andy.

Carol, Carol, we need you.

Oh, I'm... Poor, sweet, gentle Hattie was such a hateful person, there'll be

nobody there.

Sorry.

Carol, Carol, I promised her husband, Malcolm, that with our family and the

Harmans and Mrs. Naugatuck, there'd be at least six people there.

Whether I didn't like Hattie, I'm not going to be a hypocrite.

Carol, please, just this one. Be a hypocrite for your mother.

Look, every time I saw Hattie, she'd say to me, when are you going to get

married again? Why can't you find a nice man? What's wrong with you?

Why should I go see her now that she's dead?

Just for the fun of it.

Have a good time.

Last funeral I invite you to.

Why are you so set on going to Hattie's funeral, Mum?

You've always hated her.

Not important. She was a part of my life, and in spite of everything, I

considered myself Hattie's friend.

Her friend? The last time she was here, you called her a malicious two -faced

gossip. Who else but a friend could tell her a thing?

Oh, hello, Mr. Nogatuck. Vivian will be ready to go to the funeral home just as

soon as Walter gets back.

Maude. Maude.

I just don't think I can do it. I just don't.

What? Go to the funeral.

Vivian, you've got to go!

But, Maude, I'm very nervous about going to see Hattie.

You may think this odd, but I've never actually seen a body that wasn't alive

before.

Vivian, what are you talking about? You've been married to Arthur for three

years.

That was cruel, Maude.

The truth always hurts.

Vivian, we were only joking. Oh, yeah, I know, I know, Maude, but I just don't

want to go.

Vivian! I felt very strange about these things, Maude, ever since I was a little

girl.

When I was four years old, I found out about death, and I said,

oh, I said, that's never going to happen to me, because when it's time for me to

die, I'm going to move.

so nervous about death, Mrs. Harmon.

We older people know that death is a fact of life. You've just got to live

it, even if it kills you.

She's right. Mrs. Noggin, what the hell did you just say?

Well, anyway, Vivian, I do think it is high time you faced up to the fact that

people do die.

And Hattie Flanagan's funeral is perfect.

Why? Well, I mean, it's certainly easier to begin with someone you could never

stand.

I suppose you're right.

I'm always right, Viv.

That's true.

I'm glad that's settled, and I hope you both have a smashing evening.

Wait a minute. Wait. You are going to the funeral. No, Mom, I don't want to.

Mrs. Naugatuck... I refuse to be a hypocrite.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I...

Well, at least I know that I can count on Walter and Arthur and you to be at

funeral home.

But, Maude, it's so awkward.

There are so many unanswered questions.

I know, I know.

What to do, what to say.

No, what to wear.

That's why I came over. I'd like to have my brooch back.

What brooch?

You know, the brooch I lent you, remember?

We were at the benefit breakfast at the First Presbyterian Church, and they

wouldn't let you in until you covered your cleavage.

Gold and enamel in the shape of a large cockroach.

That was a dragonfly.

I wouldn't have a roach for a brooch.

Anyway, Vivian, I'm sure I gave it back to you because I know I don't have it.

No, you did not give it back to me.

And, Maude, that brooch is an heirloom from Arthur's family.

You're kidding. Oh, that brooch is worth over $500.

$500? Vivian, why didn't you tell me?

I didn't know you were going to lose it.

How dare you trust me with a $500 brooch? How dare you?

I'm sorry. You are totally irresponsible.

We're my very best friends.

There, there, there.

I probably would have done the same thing under the

circumstances. Oh, thank you, Maude.

What could I have done then?

Natalie Morgan.

Natalie Morgan. Natalie Morgan. I'd probably lend it to her. She was at that

benefit breakfast. Oh. You know how she's always borrowing things, never

returning them. I hate that type, don't you?

Then you can get it back. Oh, you just listen to me. You are going to have a

lesson in diplomacy.

Hello, Natalie!

I know,

it has been forever.

I mean, months. How have you been?

Oh, great.

Honey, come on, let's just catch up on everything.

How's my brooch?

You know, the one I lent you, gold and enamel in the shape of a dragon roach.

I never lent it to you?

Oh, well, let's do this soon again.

Bye, Natalie.

Vivian, Vivian, I'll think of whom I gave it to. Just give me a minute.

if Arthur finds out I've lost that brooch, he'll never forgive me.

Hi, sweetheart.

Oh, where have you been? We have to be down at the funeral home in 30 minutes

pay our respects to Hattie.

Maude, I'm not going to the funeral.

Walter, you don't mean that.

Now, Maude, I had a very hard day. A big party and Hattie's funeral would be too

much entertainment for one night.

But is this a conspiracy against me? First Carol says she won't go, and then

Mrs. Naugatuck, now you?

Maude, I never had any use for Hattie when she was alive.

If I went to her funeral, I'd be a hypocrite.

What kind of a family is this? Am I the only hypocrite left?

I'm not going. Walter!

Hello, everybody.

Look, Walter. You see, Arthur's all dressed. He's going.

Actually, this is my grief suit.

I only put it on when I'm going to a funeral.

You being a surgeon, I hope it came with two pair of pants.

Arthur, you never cared for Hattie Flanagan, did you? No, I couldn't stand

And yet you are going to her funeral. Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

You see, Walter, Arthur has the proper attitude about these things.

Forget it, Mort. I'm not going. Walter. If Hattie asks for me, you tell her I

had to work late.

Walter!

She'll never believe that.

Walter's just nervous about going to see Hattie like I am.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

He was very brave and helpful to me when my poor wife Agnes died.

God bless her.

You know something? That's the last time I wore this suit.

Vivian, did I ever tell you about Agnes' funeral?

You showed me the slides.

Well, I don't believe I ever showed them to you, Maude.

I took them, Arthur.

Oh. Oh, well, then you probably remember.

The music, the flowers.

There's one thing I can say for Agnes.

She sure had a nice departure.

Arthur, you sound like she left for Pittsburgh.

And you expect her back any day.

Vivian, you can't expect me to ignore my first wife just because she's dead.

Why not?

It never stopped you while she was alive.

Vivian, I just stopped by to tell you that I have to drop into the hospital.

I'll meet you later.

Oh, where's Hattie being laid out?

Oh, McDonald's.

McDonald's? Arthur, it's a funeral home on Main Street.

Oh.

Next to the Burger King.

Well, I'll meet you all there later.

I think it's nice that Patty's at McDonald's. She deserves a break today.

Oh, Mom, you've got to find that brooch. Vivian, we have the rest of our lives

to find the brooch. Now, we have to get to that funeral. Oh, well, I can't go.

Vivian. Well, I'm too upset about my brooch. Look, Vivian, if you don't come

this funeral, I am not going to your charity party.

Now, that's not fair.

I'm too upset for my first funeral.

Vivian, I mean it.

Oh, all right, all right, I'll go.

Good. But I am going to feel like a... Oh,

what is that everybody says they feel like? A hypocrite? Me too.

Mr. MacDonald, this is my friend, Mrs. Harmon.

This is her first funeral.

I see.

Well, let's hope it won't be your last, Mrs. Harmon.

I must say that I did not expect such a large turnout for Mrs. Flanagan.

There's always a big crowd when you give the people what they want.

Come on, if we have to do this, let's get it over with. Come on now, Vivian,

you're going to be just fine. Mr.

MacDonald, where is Mrs.

Flanagan? In the unending slumber room, right past the peaceful fountain.

Peaceful fountain?

But don't go in there, that's the men's room.

I'd like you to do it.

Vivian, just keep your eyes closed and hold my hand, like you did when we saw

Jaws.

Okay, now, Vivian, straight ahead. You're going to be just fine.

But don't tell me when we get to the coffin or I'll scream.

Vivian, open your eyes.

Oh, no, I don't want to. I can't. I can't.

You really should, Vivian.

Come on.

Open your eyes.

I'll try.

Oh.

Oh, Lord, look at Hattie.

So peaceful and content.

She's even smiling.

She should be. She's wearing your brooch.

Oh, that's my brooch! What is Hattie Flanagan doing with my brooch? How are

boys? What is Hattie Flanagan doing with my brooch?

Oh, good Lord, don't tell me I lent it to her.

What was it? Some kind of going -away present?

are staring. I don't care. I want my boots back and I want it back now. Lady.

Lady.

Is there some problem? Oh, no, no. It's not important. My friend has overcome

that. I understand.

It's difficult, Mrs. Harmon, but we must learn to let go.

Let go?

That is not leaving this room.

When he sees that brooch, he'll kill me.

Vivian, don't worry. You know, he won't even notice it.

They were very close.

Vivian, what is the meaning of this? What is my precious heirloom doing on

Hattie Flanagan? Arthur, let's go into the office here where we can speak

freely.

Maud, I don't see how this is any of your concern. This is between me and

Vivian. You come back here.

This, too, her concern. She's the one who gave my brooch to Hattie Flanagan.

Maud! Oh, Arthur, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.

I am so sorry. I just remembered Hattie was at that benefit breakfast, and she

wanted to show the brooch to Malcolm. You know, he collects old jewelry and

bugs. It would have been perfect for him.

I forgot all about it, Arthur. I am so...

Sorry. Maude, this is extremely serious.

Now, I demand that you get my brooch back.

Get it?

How? How should I know? Go in there and take it off of her.

Maude, I am holding you personally responsible.

Oh, excuse me. Maybe you should talk this over with Mr. McDonald, Maude.

Come on, Vivian. I have to go to the peaceful fountain.

Mr. McDonald. Just one moment, Mrs. Finley. It's time to change the music we

pipe into the slumber room.

What is it you're putting on? One of Mrs. Flanagan's personal favorites.

It's lovely.

Isn't it?

Mr. MacDonald, I... Mr.

MacDonald.

Ronald.

There's something that I have to ask you. I hate having to do it, but I must.

You see, the brooch that Mrs. Flanagan is wearing is actually the property of

Mrs. Harmon, and she wants it. Oh, dear.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

There's nothing I can do. You'll have to take it up with a loving provider.

This is Flanagan's husband. He's paying for all this. Did you notice all the

expensive handwork on the coffin?

The little brass angels and lambs and pineapples.

Mr. MacDonald.

I cannot possibly discuss this with Malcolm Flanagan, but I will do

must get my brooch back.

I will do anything.

Anything. I have an uncle with swine flu. I'll give him your card. Anything.

I'm sorry.

Mr. McDonald says there's nothing he can do. He wants me to discuss it with

Malcolm as if I could.

Can you imagine bringing up something like this to the grieving husband?

Yes. We'll be waiting for you right here. Malcolm just went into the slumber

room. Arthur, I couldn't. Ward, this has not been an easy day for me.

The peaceful fountain was out of order.

And you are responsible for losing an irreplaceable family heirloom.

Irreplaceable. And never once have you thought of me, my feelings. You don't

care about my loss.

You're no friend of mine, Maude Finley. Arthur, I do care, I do. If you had one

shred of sensitivity, you'd go to that grieving husband and make him give me

back my brooch.

All right!

All right!

But I am not having a good time here.

Overcoming. I'm sorry for your troubles, Malcolm.

Morris, how can I go on without Hattie? She was one in a million.

One in a million?

She was one in ten million.

Oh, Malcolm.

Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm.

There are so many things I could say, but there's one in particular I'd like

zero out.

Miss Maud, you may find this hard to believe, but some people didn't like

Hattie. No.

How can you say that?

Look at the crowd that turned out. They're not here to mourn. They all want

something.

She loved you, Maud. Did you know that?

I had no idea. She thought of you as her only true friend.

No.

You and I, we loved her for what she was, not for what she had.

We're not hypocrites like those others.

She's gone, Maude. She's gone.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

Poor man is just grief -stricken over his loss.

You think he's grief -stricken? Now, wait till I go in there and tell him

his wife is wearing stolen property.

I can have her arrested.

Arthur, she's dead.

Then I'll have her impounded at the police station.

All right, Arthur.

All right, all right. I will get you back, you damn brooch.

It makes you proud to be in this business.

I

hope

you're satisfied. May God forgive me.

I'm sorry, Marty. I really am.

But I just couldn't let Hattie be buried with it.

I couldn't even let Agnes be buried with it, and that was her final request.

It's the only thing of hers that I have left.

Hers?

What do you mean, hers? What hers?

Hers who?

You said hers.

Who's hers?

Hers. Oh, all right, all right, all right, all right. If you must know, I

this for Agnes on our first wedding anniversary.

I thought you gave that to me on our first wedding anniversary.

That's right.

the time it was agnes's you told me that was an old family heirloom it is it is

i will always consider you one of the family

Don't worry, Arthur.

Hattie will give it back to Agnes. She's bound to run into her dad.

Bye.