Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.

She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizer.

Maudie, this is ridiculous.

You just can't do it. Look, will you stop getting so excited, Arthur?

But this is insane.

You can't have an ex -convict living right here in your own home.

What if he turns out to be a sex fiend?

Believe me, Walter will welcome the time off.

Oh, come on now, Arthur. He's only going to be working here for three weeks

while Mrs. Naugatuck is in England.

Marty, you are endangering the entire neighborhood.

Oh, come on. Now, look, Arthur, I have been working down at the rehabilitation

center for over six weeks. Now, believe me, Ambrose Riley is completely

reformed. And I want you to get to know her.

Me? Why me?

Well, when Mrs. Naugatuck comes back, I'd like it if you'd give him a job down

at the hospital.

An ex -convict in the hospital?

Oh, Marty, that's just not safe.

Believe me, I know.

I have first -hand knowledge of the criminal mind.

How? Did you have lunch with your accountant?

Hi, Arthur.

Hi, Walter. Hi, sweetie.

Sorry I'm late. Here's the mail.

There's a quarter there for Mrs. Naugatuck. Already?

Gee, she's only been gone three days.

Dear Mrs.

Findlay, just arrived in London.

They had free champagne on the flight, and I'm a bit woozy.

I've never been in the airport before, but I know you have. Where the hell's

ladies' room?

I can't stay in this holding pattern much longer.

Well, I'd better write her fast.

And tell her to hurry back.

Walter, do you realize that your wife is bringing an ex -convict into this

house? Yes.

And you also realize that she wants me to hire him down at the hospital?

Can you imagine that? An ex -convict in the hospital. What's wrong with that,

Arthur? The administrator of your hospital is an ex -convict.

He served six months in prison because he got involved in that Watergate

when he was down in Washington.

Oh, that's different. He's not your ordinary criminal. He's a Republican.

I don't think that's quite what I meant.

I thought it was one of your better statements.

Besides, Ambrose Riley isn't your ordinary common criminal either. He's

gentle and very quiet.

Arthur, all he wants is a job and respectability. Now, what's the crime in

Look, that's probably him. Now, listen, Arthur.

Arthur, I don't want you to say one word until we give this poor guy a fair

chance. Now, Maude.

Maude, what did he do?

What crime did he commit? As a threatened neighbor, I have the right to

that. I don't know, Arthur, and I couldn't care less. All I know is that

an experienced house servant and supposedly a fabulous cook.

Arthur, he's only spent two years in prison. That's not so bad.

It's him. It's him. Now, listen. Remember, not one word. You know, he's

be defensive and uptight and nervous about it.

Hello, Ambrose. Oh, hi.

Could I use your bathroom?

He's more nervous than I thought.

Please, come in, come in.

Welcome. I'd like you to meet my husband, Walter.

How do you do?

Our next -door neighbor, Dr. Arthur Harmon.

Ambrose, we fixed up the guest room for you, and I hope you like it.

Does it lock?

Yes. From the inside and the outside?

Yes.

Good.

Now can I use your bathroom?

Certainly, of course.

Through that door there and then to the right. Here, give me your suitcase.

I'd like to keep it with me.

A suspicious character, if ever I saw one.

He is strange, Mort.

Come on, now. Mr. Clements at the rehabilitation center recommended him

and that's good enough for me.

Well, it is certainly not good enough for me. Oh, come on, Arthur. Give the

a break. That is typical, woolly -headed liberal thinking.

You're always concerned about the criminal, but you never have a single

for the poor victim.

Oh, sure, Marty.

You don't see any harm in employing one convict. But what if everybody in the

country employed convicts?

You know what would happen?

Do you?

All the jails would be empty.

Oh, Maud.

This package for Ambrose came today, and I just tried to put it in his room, but

the door's locked.

Doesn't he trust us? Oh, come on, honey. The guy just got out of prison. He

probably feels more at home with things locked up.

Wait until you taste that bouillabaisse he's out there whipping up right now. It

smells fabulous.

Yeah? Well, maybe he can cook, but he certainly doesn't know how to sort

laundry. This morning he puts my socks in the underwear drawer and my underwear

in the sock drawer.

What's your problem, Walter? All your socks are black and all your underwear

white. Except for that pair of mini briefs with the little red heart sewn on

that I bought you for Valentine's Day.

You know I only wear those on Saturday night.

I know, Walter. I've been meaning to buy you three more pairs.

Sit down, honey. I want to talk to you. Now, listen.

I want you to promise me, Walter, that you will not complain about Ambrose

Vivian and Arthur are here. No, now please.

He's making his first dinner for us tonight, and if it turns out as great as

think it will, then maybe Arthur will change his mind about hiring him down at

the hospital.

Uh, that's, that's my package you have there.

Yeah. Yeah, it's mine.

Well, I just took it up to put in your room, but the door's locked. Uh, put it

down. It's mine.

Well, uh, Ambrose, aren't you going to open it?

Uh, no.

I know what's in it.

Sure is heavy for such a small package. Yeah.

Put it down.

It's mine.

By the way, Ambrose, that bouillabaisse smelled great.

Oh, well, see, it's a special trick I learned in prison.

I marinate the shrimp.

They serve shrimp in prison?

Why not? They serve bread and water at Schraff's.

Marty, I hope you're satisfied.

I just hope you're satisfied with your convict.

I was just talking to the Greenblatts next door.

You know that gun they were sending to Israel? Well, they're keeping it.

Well, actually, Arthur, I don't blame them. I mean, even I went out and bought

Saturday night special for Walter.

Why? When did you do that?

Valentine's Day.

Come on, Arthur. Now, you're just being foolish.

I mean, keeping guns in the house is just looking for trouble. Right, Walter?

Right. Where's Vivian, Arthur? Oh, she'll be here in a minute.

She went on an errand for me to the library. She's doing a little research

this character you've got working here. On Ambrose? How dare you?

Well, face it, Marty. You don't know the first thing about that guy. You don't

even know what he did. Look, all I know is he served his two years in prison,

and now he is free.

Boy, Marty.

You are living in a fool's paradise.

I know, Arthur, but we liked the house and decided to buy it in spite of the

name.

Just between you and I.

Admit it.

Haven't you noticed anything a little strange since this guy came into the

house? Well, there is one thing. Aha!

Your credit card disappeared.

No, Arthur. Your wallet is missing.

Arthur? Your watch is gone.

He put my underwear in the sock drawer.

That's how it starts.

Maud! Maud!

Maud! Maud, do you realize that you are living with a celebrity?

I mean an honest -to -God celebrity?

Walter, the papers must have found out that you can open Coke bottles with your

teeth.

Oh, no, not Walter. I mean Ambrose Riley.

You won't believe it. The papers up in Syracuse were full of it a few years

It seems that he was working as a cook for this very rich couple. Now, stop.

I really could not care less.

But, but... Dinner is ready.

Now, look, not another word, Vivian, not another word. Arthur, you're going to

love it. Let's just enjoy it. Okay. Are you hungry, honey? Yes, yes. We're going

to have dinner. Arthur, over here, please. Where do you want me? Over here?

Yeah. More?

You? Here we go.

Hello,

Ambrose.

I know a secret.

I hope you all enjoy the bouillabaisse.

I haven't made it in two years.

No, not since my last job.

Smells delicious.

Let me tell you what he did.

No, Vivian.

Oh, this.

Isn't that tasty? Smells wonderful.

Just let me give you a little hint. No, Viv.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Marty, listen to Vivian.

I'm getting a little curious myself.

Oh, come on now, Walter.

Maude, don't you think if you knew what Ambrose did, you'd understand him more?

Then you might be able to help him more. And listen, Vivian went to a lot of

trouble to find out. I did. I did.

All right, all right, all right. Go ahead and tell us. Tell us what terrible

crime Ambrose committed that got him two whole years in prison.

Well, he murdered the couple he was working for.

How's the bouillabaisse?

They think he did it because the couple he was working for were going to fire

him. But they're not sure because Ambrose never admitted to being guilty.

But all that evidence, he's famous.

Tell me, Viv, how did he kill them?

Oh, he was their cook and he poisoned their fish soup.

Some toasted French bread.

Now, you're sure the bouillabaisse is all right? All right.

Good. See, I was afraid I put in a little too much salt. No!

What do you think, Mrs. Finley?

Taste it.

Uh... No, it looks like just enough salt to me.

What about you, Walter?

I don't see too much salt in there.

Oh, please, please, just take a sip.

In a minute, Ambrose. We just remembered we forgot to say grace. Yeah.

Well, enjoy your dinner. Thank you. Thanks, Ambrose.

Bless us, O Lord.

Vivian, the only thing I don't understand is if he was convicted of

those two people, how come he only got two years in prison?

Oh, well, you didn't let me finish my story. You see, the police made a

He was wrongfully imprisoned.

What?

I like Ambrose. I don't think he'd hurt a fly.

Oh, you see, Arthur, I mean, this is what those poor ex -convicts are up

against. I mean, even I was jumping to conclusions.

What was it, Vivian? A case of mistaken identity?

Oh, no, no. You see, when the police arrested him, they forgot to read him

rights.

new trial and he was acquitted.

Vivian, he was really acquitted.

Yes, because all seven witnesses died in the same orchard.

In

the

same orchard.

My God, that's going to be in the house for two more weeks. Now, what are we

going to do?

For one thing, eat out.

Don't panic.

Even if this stuff is poison, we didn't eat enough to worry about.

Ding, ding.

See, if you take the ladle out, the broth stays hot longer.

Oh, good thing you got roses.

That's how I like my bouillabaisse hot. Hot, hot, hot. Boiling. Of course, it's

good cold, too. Oh, delicious. I love it cold.

I love the bouillabaisse. Oh, iced.

Actually, hamburgers, I think we're all finished with the bouillabaisse. Oh,

well, would anybody care for dessert? Not me, I'm stuffed.

Me, too. No dessert for me. What do you have?

Perhaps some cheese and fruit. No, I couldn't. I am not a... Paul, stop to

All right.

We don't really know what happened.

I'm dialing Mr. Clements down at the rehabilitation center. I mean, he's the

who recommended Ambrose in the first place. He knows about it. I mean, I'm

we're all overreacting. I'm sure he's perfectly innocent. I'm sure that this

package has nothing lethal in it. Mort, put that down.

It's his.

Uh, yes, uh, Mr. Clements, please.

Oh, uh, well, could you give me his home phone number?

I see.

Yeah, thank you very much.

He doesn't let anybody down there know where he lives. He thinks it's too

dangerous.

Well, I think for the sake of everyone's sanity,

I'm going to have to go in there and simply explain to Ambrose that we

made a mistake in hiring him. What?

That's why Ambrose killed those two people. They were going to fire him. Oh,

come on. I know Ambrose isn't a violent man. He's very gentle. I mean, those

poor people died of poison, didn't they, Viv? That's true. I'm going in there to

talk. The police are sure the poison killed them before they were bludgeoned

that blunt instrument.

Well, let's be thankful for one thing.

He doesn't have anything against you two.

Now, he understands that Mrs. Naugatuck is coming back in three weeks. Just

don't do anything.

That gives him the feeling you're trying to get rid of him before then, you'll

be fine. Right, right, right. As long as he doesn't feel threatened by anybody

here, then we're perfectly safe. It should work.

It should work.

Mrs.

Naugatuck. I'm home with my loved one.

Get the hell out of here.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, four days in England was enough for me.

Oh, you.

fuel shortage, high prices, pollution.

I can get all that right here.

Who's this?

Oh, uh, Mrs. Nogutuck, this is, uh, this is Ambrose Riley. He's just filling in

for you. Well, you can pack your bags, Ambrose. I'm taking over.

What? Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You see, you're still on

vacation, Mrs. Naugatuck. This doesn't change your job in any way, Ambrose. For

the next three weeks, we'll simply treat her as a guest. I mean, that's the way

she usually acts anyhow.

I see.

Maude.

Do you think he bought it?

used to crisis situations.

Now, what we need now is cool, clear, rational thinking.

Now, I do my best thinking in the shower. Come on, Bill.

It was a lovely dinner, Maude.

What the blazes is going on here anyhow?

Ambrose is an ex -convict and we have written to believe that our lives are in

danger. He killed the last couple he worked for.

Oh, mercy me.

That does it. I'm getting my gun.

Hold it!

Walter, what gun?

Come on, you know I don't let you have guns in this house. Mort, I hated hiding

it from you, but thank God I bought one.

Walter, how could you? I mean, what about fella? Don't get excited. I made

it's perfectly safe. I keep it locked in my tackle box in the garage.

The chamber is downstairs underneath the washing machine.

The firing pin is upstairs in my brown suit.

That way nobody can get hurt.

Including the burglars.

Forget the gun, Walter. Why?

Your firing pin is at the cleaners.

Oh, Walter, what are we going to do? What are we going to do?

What does Ambrose say about all this?

What? Well, you mean you're...

Talk to him.

Walter, Mrs. Naugatuck is right.

I mean, we are letting our imaginations go crazy.

What we should do is simply bring all of this out in the open with Ambrose. Are

you crazy? It's like asking the Boston Strangler to help you pick out a scarf.

Don't be ridiculous, Walter. I will not live in fear.

Now, we have to go in there and talk to him. Maud!

I'm sorry about the noise.

I'm all thumbs tonight.

It's perfectly all right, Ambrose. Actually, Mr. Findlay has something he

to talk to you about.

Well,

certainly. Walter.

Ambrose, you were in prison and everything, right?

Yes.

Well, I just wanted to say that... That's mine.

Sorry.

Well...

I think that you guys in prison did a really swell job on this year's license

plate.

Walter!

Ambrose, look.

The truth is, we know all about what happened up in Syracuse. Now, quite

frankly, we're frightened to death. Now, if you could just tell us. Well, Mrs.

Finley, what is it you want to know?

Well, I mean, if you could, you know, just reassure us. Oh, I get it.

You...

You want me to tell you if I was the one who really killed those people?

Only if you're in the mood.

I hate it when people ask me that!

What the hell? Forget it!

You Finleys are just like everybody else. You don't care about Ambrose Riley

man. All you want to hear about is Ambrose Riley, the ruthless murderer.

You want to know if I'm a killer, huh?

Well, I'm only... You don't know what it's like.

You don't know what I've been through.

Hounded by the police.

Spending time in prison.

Trying to cook dinner with your cheap utensils.

You want to know if I'm a killer, huh?

A killer. You want to know if I'm a killer.

Well, nobody in this room is ever going to find out.

Until you buy my book.

Your book?

Cook or Killer by Ambrose Riley.

It was told to Jim Bishop. Oh, it tells the whole story.

Guess we're dickering with Robert Blake to make the movie version.

Cook or Killer. You know, that's catchy.

You know, these are the first editions.

I was going to give you all an autographed copy, and now you can pay $8

like everybody else.

Oh, come on now, Ambrose. I mean, certainly you can understand... Save it,

Save it, lady. I am going to go up and pack. I am getting out of here.

And listen. Listen to this.

Don't expect me to do the dishes.

and nervous wrecks afraid for our lives. Now, all we have to do is shell out $8

.95. Oh, please, please, Walter. It's over. He's leaving and we're safe.

But if he thinks we're going to put out $8 .95 to read... I am going to get even

with him for what he put us through.

I am not going to buy the book and I am not going to see the movie.

You know, Robert Blake would be very good in the park.

Because Robert Redford...

To the victim, how about Julia?

Walter,

come on, hurry up. Ambrose is on the Dinah Shore show. Hurry.

Well, I have to tell you, I read the whole book in one evening. I couldn't

it down.

Oh, boy, he's going to be famous. Imagine Ambrose with Dinah Shore.

Thank you. Thank you. It was hard work, but it was something I felt I had to do.

I tell you truly, I think it's going to be a bestseller.

And you're thinking of Robert Blake for the lead in the movie?

Yeah.

Marty Feldman. Marty Feldman.

Before you show us how to make that bouillabaisse, would you mind telling us

just a little bit about your new book? Well, it's a novel.

And it takes place in Tuckahoe, New York.

And it's about a woman who thinks very highly of herself.

See, but in fact...

She's really incredibly shallow. She's insensitive. She's vain. She's arrogant.

What did you hear that?

A woman who continually deceives herself.

Walter, this is terrible.

Vain, insensitive, arrogant, thick -skinned. Oh, Walter, when people

find out what the book is...

Really about time. Poor Vivian will be devastated.

Maude was taped in Hollywood before a live audience.