Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That'll

compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on, Maude.

Mr. Lambert's office.

One moment.

Your wife's on line one.

Lorraine, are you sure he remembers I'm here?

Relax, Carol. Now, you know Mr.

Lampert, he's a busy guy.

He'll see you when he can.

I know I promised to come home early today, dear, but I've got a corporation

run.

Yes, dear, of course I love you. And you know there's nothing in the world I'd

like better than to be on my way home right this minute.

But in addition to everything else, I've got to make out an annual report.

I've got the budget to go over for next year. I have 101 things.

I'm swamped.

Yes, and I love you, too.

Okay,

fellas, enough work for one day. Let's go out and have a drink. Good idea.

I'll get cleaned up.

Uh -oh.

Carol Trainor's still waiting outside. I completely forgot.

Carol Trainor? Ernie, how can anybody forget about her?

It's about that job she's up for.

Department head in customer relations?

Oh, yeah. You said you'd let her know today.

That's right.

Uh -oh.

Miss Peterson, would you, uh, uh, just a minute, please.

Would you ask Carol to come in now, please?

You want a copy of her employment record, Chief? No, Ernie, I know hers by

heart.

Carol! Carol!

Oh, after three hours in this room with Andrews and Bell, I can't tell you how

nice it is to see a pretty face.

Thank you, Mr. Lambert.

Oh, come on now. I told you a hundred times, her name is Bob.

Oh, well, according to your wife, it's Mr.

Lambert.

That's what she calls me. You call me Bob.

I just want you to know, Carol, that we value your work in customer

relations very highly. Right, fellas?

Right. Very highly, indeed.

Well, thank you.

I don't know what to say.

Uh, that idea of yours for that troubleshooter 24 -hour phone service,

like that have bought the company thousands of dollars worth of goodwill.

Oh, this sounds like it's going to be good news.

Oh, yes, yes. It's going to be very good news.

Uh, because as of next week... Yes?

I'm going to raise your salary by $100 a month. Oh, that's wonderful.

I mean, I take it this means I get the job.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. No, Carol.

No, we think you are too valuable right now as the best damn department

assistant in the whole company.

Right, fellas? Right, R .W. I mean, you're going to be a tremendous help to

new department head as soon as we find the right man.

The right man?

I am more than qualified for this job. You've said so yourself.

Why shouldn't I have this job? Because I'm a woman?

Carol, believe me, this company is behind equal opportunity for women.

Yeah, 20 years behind.

Carol, how can you say that? This is the company that put my doll in the ladies'

lounge.

We've come a long way, baby.

Mr. Lambert, I don't think this is a joking matter. No, no, Carol.

Carol, this job is just not the right job for a woman. It's important, you

What did you say?

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, I didn't mean it that way.

Carol, this job, you've got to meet customers after hours. You've got to

them and dine them and entertain them.

They see a pretty girl like you, they're going to think you're the

entertainment.

What you're telling me is that you're buying me off with a raise because you

think I'm too attractive.

It's a rotten deal, Carol, okay?

And I just want you to know, unofficially, I hate it.

I don't believe this.

Mr. Lambert, you'd better get rid of your old -fashioned attitudes and you'd

better get rid of your notions about women.

And while you're at it, you should get rid of that sissy cologne.

Well,

that's the real problem with women in business. They're too emotional.

That's a disgraceful outburst.

Silly emotional display. No self -control at all.

She sure is a nice little hunk, though.

Isn't she?

Right on.

Hey. I hate games about high finance.

I'll pass Chase Manhattan and declare bankruptcy.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Why don't you take over Lockheed and let the government bail you out?

Mrs. Naugatuck, don't you think the stuffed mushrooms are about ready?

Oh, I think it's a bit early yet.

But just to be on the safe side, why don't you go and give them a look?

Well, if you put it that way.

Now, let's see. What is left on the board?

Mrs. Naugatuck, if I'm not mistaken, that's the telephone.

You're not mistaken.

That's what it is, all right.

I would fire her in a minute if she weren't so gorgeous.

Hello?

Andy! How are you?

No, Carol isn't home.

The big meeting down at the office? Yeah, I'm dying to find out what

too. Okay, Andy, I'll have her call you. Bye -bye.

Is that somebody brand new? Well, he's been married once, so I guess he's

slightly used.

But Carol's been seeing him for a couple of weeks now. Really seems to like him.

What's he look like?

Well, I haven't actually met him. I've just spoken to him on the phone a few

times. But he sounds very tall.

Well, how come we haven't met the guy?

Is Carol ashamed of him or something?

Maybe she's ashamed of us.

Why would she be ashamed of us?

We're two warm, wonderful human beings. You said so yourself.

Once I said that.

In the privacy of our bedroom.

And then I said I was wonderful and you were warm.

Are we going to sit around listening to Walter's personality profile or can we

get on with this game?

Oh, Arthur, don't be such a twit. It was just getting juicy.

That's exactly why I don't like to play games with women. They just don't have

the powers of concentration we men do.

Especially for a game about big business like success.

It's a man's game.

Arthur, I have just won your shipyard, your Toyota factory, and your Chilean

copper mine.

All you have left is 80 % ownership of Howard Cosell, which means that you're

bankrupt.

Carol! Oh, hi, Carol. Well, well, well, well, Carol, tell me, did they give it

to you? Did they give it to you?

Boy, did they give it to me.

Honey, what happened?

I got a $25 a week raise.

Hey, that's terrific.

This calls for a celebration.

Oh, let's open a bottle of sangria and just toast ourselves silly.

Vivian, Arthur, wait. This raise is not good news.

Oh, I get it.

Tax problems, huh?

Well, don't worry, Carol. I'll set you up with my accountant.

He's brilliant. The man's an absolute thief.

Arthur, instead of a promotion, they gave me a raise to buy me off.

I was in line to be head of the customer relations department. It's so unfair,

Mother, it's a case of outright prejudice.

Carol, I know you're disappointed, but don't lose your perspective.

Bob Lambert is a top executive who thinks only of his company. He's a fair

decent man.

That's right, Carol.

You've got to keep the old perspective.

Look, when I was a little boy, I used to go to a Catholic camp in the summer,

and all the kids picked on me.

I thought it was because I was Episcopalian.

And then one summer I went to an Episcopalian camp and those kids picked

too.

All I'm saying is that when things go wrong, you have to take a good look at

yourself.

I finally figured it out.

The reason those kids picked on me is because they knew I was better than they

were.

Which also explains why now nobody picks on you.

Carol, honey, what did they say? I mean, what reason did they give?

You would never guess it in a million years. Oh, come on, Carol. You're much

pretty to be a department head anyway.

He guessed it.

Do you mean that they turned you down because you're an attractive woman?

Well, that's what they told me.

Oh, well, that's not fair.

Mrs. Paul is an attractive woman, and she runs an entire Mrs. Paul's frozen

sticks dinner company.

Vivian. And fish cakes. Vivian! Chips.

They implied I was too sexy for the job. Oh, Carol, I mean, that's so silly.

You're always the perfect lady.

I mean, you don't go bouncing around the office all day.

I mean, not any more than you can help.

That's right, and that is exactly the reason I didn't get the job. What do you

mean, Carol? Bob Lambert is always coming on to me. You know, taking my

asking me out for drinks.

I never give him any encouragement. I always act very cool and professional.

Listen, I'm sure if I were a little friendlier, I could get that job.

Now, look, Carol, using sex to win over the boss is no way to get ahead.

I mean, it is, but not for any daughter of mine.

Mother, it's so frustrating.

I mean, it would be so easy to play Bob Lambert's game.

You know, I could wear sexy dresses and brush up against him and fall into his

arms laughing when he tells one of his dumb jokes, and then...

You know.

What? What then?

Vivian!

Oh, come on, Marty. Be realistic.

What's the matter with a woman being a little sexy?

Now, look, Arthur, you stop right there. No, I mean it.

Now, all the nurses over at the hospital that act that way really advance their

careers.

They're the first ones to get out of bedpan duty.

That's because you men are all alike since the beginning of time.

I mean, even in the Garden of Eden, Adam had only one thing on his mind, and it

wasn't a piece of fruit.

I tell you, it's all your fault.

Our fault?

Oh, don't put the blame on men, Marty. Women ask for it. Do you see the way

women dress at work these days?

You should see my receptionist, Miss Spivey, in her short skirts.

And my file clerk, Audrey, in her tight hip -hugger slacks.

And that heavy perfume.

And the bending over.

And the sweaters with no bra. Oh, the sweater with no bra.

Down, boys!

Why don't you two go out and hose each other off?

Typical men.

Typical. And right.

I've been with that company for six years, and I'm still emptying bedpans.

What kind of company is this?

Mother, when I started with Lambert, I believed all of that jazz about ability

and hard work getting you to the top. I have seen people get promoted who don't

have half the ability I do.

No, the hell with it. Maybe I'll just play Bob Lambert's game.

Carol, Carol. Carol, you're not going to do anything foolish. Oh, no. On the

contrary. I'm going to do something very smart for a change.

Listen, by next week, I'll be head of customer relations.

You know what?

Maybe I'll go all the way. Become executive vice president.

Now, Carol, listen. You listen to me.

Carol, I'm not... Cap... Walter.

Maude, don't worry about Carol. She's just talking. She won't do anything.

Walter, do you really think so? Of course, sweetheart. I know Carol. She's

like you.

Oh, my God!

Vivian's gravel pit. You could really clean up now. Will you two just leave

alone? Can't you see she has more important things on her mind than this

old game?

Don't you know she's just worried sick about Carol?

Maude, listen, if you don't want to play this stupid old game, you don't have

to. Oh, Vivian, thank you. I really don't want to. Oh, goody, I get my

pit back.

That is not fair!

Now look what she did, Maude!

poor sport who has no regard for other people's Japanese assembly plants.

I want to play some more.

We'll play a game at home.

Cowboy in school, Marm?

Vivian!

I've often wondered why Vivian keeps that bolt of calico around.

Look what you did, Maud. You ruined our evening. This is all Bob Lambert's

fault. I should get all my friends to boycott his products.

Except very few of my friends buy grain elevators.

Well, will you stop worrying about Carol?

If all it takes for her to get ahead in her company is a harmless flirtation

with her boss, so what?

I will tell you so what, Walter. It is immoral to use sex instead of ability to

get ahead.

You're exaggerating.

Exaggerating? Walter, take my real estate job.

You know that parcel of land down on the corner of Carver and Cliffwood? I could

get rid of that property like that.

Only the buyer doesn't want to close the deal at the office. He wants me to meet

him over cocktails.

Now, how would you like it, Walter, if your wife went out with another man just

to close the deal? I mean, what would you say to that?

Well, sure, when I mean business is business.

Walter, you would approve of that? You would stand still for that?

Of course. It's just a real estate deal, right?

Right. A typical real estate deal. He wants to sign the papers in a cocktail

and then go back to his apartment for the title search.

Oh, Walter, what am I going to do about Carol?

Maud, if you're so upset about this, why don't you go up and talk to her? I

can't. She'll say I'm interfering.

And why would she say that? Because of those damn grape snips.

Grape snips?

Walter, 13 years ago, when Carol was on her honeymoon, a package arrived in the

mail for her, and I opened it by mistake, thinking it was for me. It was

wedding present from her father, a little pair of silver scissors, you

snipping grapes. Well, Carol was furious.

She accused me of invading her privacy, and she's never forgiven me.

Maude, that was 13 years ago.

Carol doesn't carry a grudge. She's a loving, kind -hearted person.

She is, isn't she, Walter?

And she needs me now to help her with this problem.

Well, I'm older and wiser, so I guess it's up to me to make the first move.

That's the adult way to handle it.

Thank you, darling.

What if Carol gets defensive?

You know, she can be very, very stubborn. I mean, what if I walk into

and she accuses me of butting in, trying to run her life? Oh, Carol. You're

always taking up for her. I'm the one who's being attacked.

And, of course, she'll bring up that darn business about the grape snips

I tell you something, Walter, I've had it up to here with her attitude.

Carol, you can take those grape snips and stick them in your ear.

And where do you think you're going in that dress?

Well, if you must know, I'm having cocktails with Bob Lambert.

What do you mean you're having cocktails with Bob Lambert?

I called him and told him I wanted to discuss my future with the company, so

we're going to do it over drinks.

What grape snip?

Don't change the subject.

It's just a business meeting, Maude. That's right.

Mother, which one of these coats do you think I should wear with this dress?

With that dress, wear them both.

Mother, how can you go out and meet your boss in a dress like that?

I mean, what would your new boyfriend Andy say if he saw you in that dress?

I wore this dress on the third date I had with Andy. I can tell you exactly

he said.

He said, ooh, I can't wait till we get married. I don't want to hear it!

What about the dignity of women? What about all those principles you fought so

hard for? Mother, I am doing what's right for me.

Now, look, if I can get this job by playing footsie with Bob Lambert, I'll

a position to help other women get ahead.

Trust me, Mother, I'm your daughter.

I can't quarrel with you on that.

I'm your mother.

Walter, you're a stranger. You argue with me.

Maude, I'm no stranger.

I'm an important member of this family, which is why I'm going to take out the

garbage.

Mother, I don't like this any more than you do, but it's something I have to do.

Carol, I'm warning you.

You will be going against everything I have ever tried to teach you. You will

slapping me in the face.

Carol, our relationship can never be the same again.

So before you walk out that door, you just...

Think about that, young lady.

Don't wait up for me.

Can't you take a joke?

It's 6 a .m.

W .H .Y .M. begins its broadcast day by wishing you a very cheery and pleasant

good night. Carol, are you home? In the news, Suckerhole sanitation workers

walked off the job today in support of striking police. No, no, Robert.

Oh,

Mr. Redford, you bastard.

Mrs. Naugatuck, wake up. I think Robert Redford is having a nightmare.

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Mrs. Naugatuck, are you all right?

Well, I was until you woke me up.

Mrs. Naugatuck, what are you doing down here at this hour of the morning? Well,

there was a movie I wanted to see on the Late Late Show.

I must have dozed off.

It was bedtime for... starring Ronald Reagan and Bonzo the Chimpanzee.

Isn't he running for president?

No, Mr. Reagan is.

Natural mistake.

I haven't slept a wink all night.

Carol hasn't come home yet.

Oh, Mrs. Finlay, perhaps it's not as bad... Oh, how could it be worse? My

daughter's spending the night with her boss just to advance her career.

Oh, nothing has changed.

We're still trapped in a system that victimizes good -looking women. I tell

Mrs. Naugatuck, beauty is a curse.

How will I know?

Now, I've faced the same problem many times in my career, that I can

honestly say that I have never... cheapen myself for the sake of

Good for you, Mrs. Noggeton. I always did it for fun.

What is everybody doing up?

Oh, oh, goodness.

It's 6 a .m. I must get some sleep. I've got to be up at half past five.

What are you doing up at this hour anyway?

Oh, it's Carol, isn't it? No, I just had a few chores.

At six o 'clock in the morning, what chores? How should I know? What, am I a

farmer?

Lord, will you stop torturing yourself?

Carol's a big girl.

You're foolish to get this upset.

Walter, I am a mother, and mothers get upset.

Haven't you two been to bed yet?

I might ask you the same question.

Mother, I'm not going to argue with you.

Don't worry.

I'm not going to make a scene.

Good. I'm not going to scream. I'm not going to lecture.

Good. I'm just going to shut up. When?

Don't you get sarcastic with me, young lady.

I wasn't the one who stayed out all night.

My conscience is clear. I have done nothing to be ashamed of. Good for you,

Mother. Now, listen to me, Carol.

I'm not going to say a word.

Carol, I want you to know that...

Our relationship can never, ever be the same again because I think what you did

was shameful and unethical and immoral.

So I'm not even going to ask you what you did.

Okay. Good night.

Uh,

would you mind waking me up at 11?

At 11?

Did Mr. Lambert give you the morning off for being such a good sport?

No.

As a matter of fact, I'm not going into work today.

I quit.

You quit?

Mother, five minutes after I met Lambert, I realized I wasn't going to

So we had this huge argument, and I told him what he could do with his grain

elevators.

And then I was so upset, I went over to see Andy.

That's where I've been.

Now I'm not upset anymore.

Oh.

Carol. Oh, Carol, then you didn't. I mean, you did, but...

Why

didn't you tell me?

Because you said you didn't want to know.

Carol, God bless you. You're a good girl.

Oh, Walter.

Oh, Walter, I have such a good daughter. She never mixes business with pleasure.

That reminds me, Maud. Yes, Walter?

Would some guy really buy that property from you if you had a few drinks with

him? It's silly, isn't it?

What the hell goes on down at that real estate office?

You're not supposed to be selling real estate.

What was paint in Hollywood before a live audience?