All language subtitles for maude_s04e22_maude_s_rejection

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She
didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to angel
that she showed up.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

Now, Mrs. Norgatuck, the object is to
come through the ball with the putter

blade square, keeping your head down and
coming through low like this for a

perfect shot.

Anyway, something like that.

Well, here, now you try it. Now,
remember, keep your head down and the

blade square.

The blade, Mrs. Norbert... Please, I
don't need anybody to teach me.

game too easy.

Mrs. Nogatrap, have you finished ironing
my dress yet?

I've got the iron in my hand right now.

What's the big occasion anyway?

Well, Maud and I were at a cocktail
party the other evening and met Graham

Elliot. And so Maud and Vivian are
having lunch with him today over at

house. Graham D. Elliot? Never heard of
him.

Oh, he's that windbag who's on all the
TV talk shows.

I think he's an author or a poet or
something. I was reading an article

him. Where are my glasses?

Gonna take a sentimental journey.

Gonna set my heart at ease.

Gonna take a sentimental journey.

Maude, have you seen my glasses?

To renewal.

girl's on cloud nine, isn't she? Oh, she
and this big shot Elliot really hit it

off the other night. That's why she's so
excited.

Can't believe my heart could be so
yearny.

Why did I decide to roam?

Maude, my glasses.

Gonna take a sentimental journey.

Maude. On the desk there.

so thrilling.

Mort, now I know Graham Elliot is a big
international poet and writer, but face

it, Mort, he's a windbag.

A windbag? Walter the man is a genius.

A genius. I mean, he has a priceless wit
about him. Oh, and it might interest

you to know that his latest book, A
Poet's Glory, is already a bestseller.

heard of it.

Mrs. Nogatuck, I'd hardly expect you to.

Don't make me out a dimwit.

I've read the Bible from cover to cover.
Oh?

Well, tell me, what are the first words?

The first words in the Bible are, do not
remove from this motel.

I've seen that Bible.

The last words are, for a good time,
call Alice.

555 -2134.

Amen.

Come on, now, Mrs. Naugatuck, haven't
you finished with the dress yet? Please,

I'm in a rush. I don't want to miss one
minute with Graham Elliot. Who knows, I

might say something that he'll want to
quote on the Johnny Carson show.

Maude, since you and this Elliot are
such great buddies, why is the lunch

at Vivian's house instead of over here?
Oh, come on now, Walter. You'd hardly

expect the professor to step foot in
this house after that shocking display

made of yourself the other night.

We were all asked to recite our favorite
lines of poetry, and that's exactly

what I did. Man, it was beautiful,
Walter.

There was a young girl from Nantucket
whose bottom was shaped like a bucket.

I know, I know.

That was a close call.

What happened?

I just managed to duck out of the house
as that Galook Elliot was pulling into

the driveway. You mean he's here? Oh,
Mrs.

Naugatuck, please, what's taking you so
long with my dress? It's just a simple

little dress. It may be simple, but it's
not little.

Arthur, you mean you passed up a chance
to talk to the great man?

Will that pump its ass?

Well, the man's a bigger boy than I am.

Impossible.

Please, just give me the dress.

All right, but I haven't done a good job
with it. But it's good enough to wear

just to have lunch with a poet.

There once was a British cutie, widely
considered a beauty, but

she really made messes when pressing my
dresses because she's a horse's

patootie.

and laughter and not say beside.

We two went on together.

I and my happy guy.

Mrs. Harmon, you're remarkable.

Do you know, there are very few people
who can quote the Shropshire Lad verse

for verse right along with me.

Actually, it's the only thing I
memorized in college that I still

That and the monkey wrapped his tail
around the flagpole.

I cannot begin to tell you what a joy it
is to be here instead of attending some

boring, stuffy literary luncheon
surrounded by a cubby of cackling

which is the one dishonest thing I do to
promote my books.

But you, you're an oasis in a desert of
humanity.

You have a refreshing directness and
honesty about you, which is unique.

I do.

Flattery, flattery charges my battery.

Charming. Charming.

I say, just as I was coming in, I saw a
man leaving by the side door. He

appeared to be in a great hurry.

That was my husband.

Really?

In England, it's usually the other way
around.

Oh, you British, you're so English.

My husband's a doctor, and he got an
emergency call at the hospital.

Oh, I see.

He was going to have lunch with us. What
a pity he can't join us.

No, no, no. Maud Finley's coming to
lunch.

You remember her?

Maud Fin... Oh, yes, the Warrens
Cocktail Party. Yes, that's right.

A tall, striking person. Uh -huh. Deep
voice. Yes. Gorgeous gray hair. That's

Maud. I can't stand the woman.

Oh, you.

Now, you just made that up, didn't you?

No.

But my goodness, you only spent a few
minutes with her. How can you dislike

By choice.

Oh, well, you'll get to like her. You
know, when you get to know her, you'll

see. And the more you know her, the more
you'll like her. She grows on you.

Like fungal.

Professor, what is it exactly that you
don't like about her?

The woman's assertive, aggressive,
abrasive, and argumentative.

And those are only the A's.

Come, Mrs. Harmon.

Dear, sweet Mrs. Harmon, do be a pet and
telephone her and ask her not to come.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, I can't do that. You see, she's
my very best friend. I can't call her

and tell her not to come to lunch. I
can't. I just can't. Why not?

She'll hit me.

Well, by all means, let her come and
I'll tell her. Oh, good.

Oh, no, you mustn't. Oh, no. Oh, no,
that's even worse.

No, I'll think of something.

I'll think of some excuse. I'll just...
But I can't call my best friend on the

phone and lie to her. I can't.

Well, why don't you go next door and lie
to her in person?

That's a good idea.

I'll do that. That's what I'll do.

Lookie, lookie, lookie, here comes
Cookie walking down the stairs.

Thank you, Walter.

What about you, Arthur? I think this is
at least a two -whistle dress.

Oh, sorry, Marty.

Now make that three.

Mort, you really look great in that
outfit.

You know, Walter, when I was putting on
this dress, I was reminded of that

famous poem by Robert Herrick.

When in silk my Julia goes, then, then
methinks how sweetly

flows that liquefaction of her clothes.

Hey, I know that one, Maude.

But I like her best at dawn, because
then she don't have nothing on.

Maude, your sense of poetry is pathetic.

But I like the way your mind works.

Marty, why on earth are you getting all
dressed up for Graham Elliott?

I've seen him on TV talk shows. He's
nothing but a smart aleck, put -down

artist. Oh, come on. Graham Elliott does
not put people down. He simply says

what he thinks. I mean, he tells the
truth, whether people like it or not.

People who lie to spare other people's
feelings are nothing but simpering

cowards.

I'll just come back later.

Viv! Oh, hi, Mark.

Gosh, you look beautiful. What a shame.

Where's the professor?

Who?

Professor Elliot.

Oh, oh, he's just over there next door
in that house where I live.

Actually, it isn't my house. It's
Arthur's house. Of course, it used to

to his first wife, Agnes. But then when
she died...

Tell me, did he send you over here to
hurry me up?

Well... Of course he did.

And I'm so anxious to see him. You know,
I have this brilliant idea to help him

with his television appearances. Was he
afraid I wasn't coming?

Not exactly.

As a matter of fact, he had to call the
luncheon off. He can't make it.

What do you mean, Viv? He's already at
your house.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, yes, well,
to tell you the truth, he's... He's

dead.

Wait,

wait, Arthur, wait, wait.

He's not completely dead.

Vivian, what do you mean he is not
completely dead?

Well, a lot of people are not completely
dead.

Vivian, how dead is he?

He slept and fell on the stairs, and
he's sort of dying.

Dying.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Vivian, you just said the man is dying.
Well, he's not quite dying.

So anyway, the lunch is off. Goodbye,
Maude.

Halt!

Vivian, what are you talking about? Oh,
Maude, I can't tell you because you're

my very best friend in the whole world.

Vivian, I want the truth. Now out with
it!

I can't tell you because I'm too
embarrassed.

And you should be embarrassed, you
little devil.

But you're not going to get away with
it, Vivian.

You cannot keep the professor all to
yourself because you know that I'm the

he really wants to be.

Boy, she's not even warm.

Oh, Professor Elliot.

Professor, I'm so sorry I kept you
waiting.

I cannot tell you how I've been looking
forward to this luncheon.

Mrs. Findlay.

Now, please, don't get up.

Professor, I have something I must tell
you. You know, the other day...

I saw you on Mike Douglas' show, and I
must tell you... Oh, but there was one

little... Vivian!

Vivian, I'm trying to talk to the
professor.

And as I was watching you on the show, I
came over this fantastic suggestion for

future television shows. Would you like
to know what it is?

Mrs. Harmon, while I was waiting, I had
a taste of the sauce for the crab meat.

It's delicious.

Oh, really?

Oh, I'm so glad you like it. I start out
with mayonnaise and a little dry

mustard and some freshly ground black
pepper and some olive oil. Oh, so it

shouldn't taste too Italian. And then
just a dash of paprika.

What?

A plate.

Oh, Mrs. Finley, I put your plate in the
pantry. You see, I had good reason to

believe you wouldn't be here.

I'll get it.

Poor Viv.

You can't believe the crazy story she
tried to tell me. You know, it bothered

her so terribly that you and I hit it
off so beautifully.

Well, I told her to use you as an
example. You know, you say what you feel

let the chips fall where they may.

But I think that's what I admire most
about you. But in Vivian's case, you

Hold back, won't you? I mean, Vivian is
so fragile.

Hi there, Tiger.

Hi.

So, you admire my honesty? More than
anything, I find your honesty

thrilling. Good.

Then prepare yourself for the thrill of
a lifetime.

Because, quite frankly, Mrs. Finley, I
cannot stand you.

Now, may we proceed with our lunch?

I have half a cup of white wine vinegar
and a dash of Tabasco and a quarter cup

of chicken stock and some tarragon,
fresh tarragon, if I have at the house.

don't, I just use that stuff sometimes.

Well, it's superb.

It doesn't have the pure taste of a
fresh tarragon. What a pleasure not to

chicken a la King for a change.

Of course, I guess my special secret is
a teaspoon of fresh lime juice. You

know, I speak at five or six affairs
every week, so naturally I've come to

foul. Mind you, though, I said fresh,
never reconstituted.

Charming, simply charming.

Anyway... When I saw you on the Mike
Douglas show, I suddenly had this

idea that would help you further, you
know, with more of your television

appearances. It says... So you can't
stand me.

You can't stand me.

I know.

Well, if it'll make it any easier for
you, Mrs. Finley, let us merely say that

do not care for you. Oh, that's much
better, isn't it, Maude?

Well, I see that you really dislike me,
so there's no need

for me to stay, is there? I mean, since
you really don't like me, I might as

well go.

Viv, the crab meat was super.

C 'est la vie.

Oh, Mr. Thomas, would you be so good as
to pass the radishes?

How the hell can you like radishes and
not like me?

A radish only repeats once.

Oh, I'm sorry, Maude. We thought you'd
gone.

How could I possibly leave when I just
found out that I'm not wanted?

It strikes me as the perfect time to
leave.

How could I possibly walk out without
knowing why a man I respect, a man I

almost revere, doesn't like me? Now,
tell me, Professor, what is it? What is

Am I too tall, too short, too fat, too
thin?

Yes. I can change.

Mrs. Finley, why do you find it so
difficult to accept rejection?

I mean, surely you've met other people
who don't care for you. Oh, of course.

There was lots of them, but I was
married to them.

I think I'd better stand up for my
friend Maude right now and say that she

very likable, even if she happens to be
a little loud and domineering and

abrasive. Stop helping me!

I'm jealous.

Now, come on, Vivian. I do not have a
jealous bone in my body. Yes, you do,

Maude. You're jealous of my relationship
with Professor Elliot.

How dare you call me jealous?

Well, you're... Obviously. Jealous?
You're green with jealousy. Absolutely

green. If I'm green, it's because of
this crummy crabmeat sauce.

I'm sorry, Vivian. I didn't mean that. I
love the sauce. You do?

Well, I start out with mayonnaise and a
little dry milk. Who cares, Vivian? Who

cares?

Mrs. Finley, why are you persisting in
this?

Look, there are thousands of people on
two continents who dislike me, and I

thrive on it.

So I would have thought that you were...

you'd be equally flattered to add a
distinguished and celebrated man like

to the list of people who cannot stand
you.

Look, Professor, I'll admit, you are a
rotten human being.

No, I will give you that, but I still
like you, and I absolutely refuse to

you reject me.

Why is it that you Americans have this
frightening...

need to be loved.

I mean, what is love?

It's like the Italian government.

It's very nice to have around, but who
needs it?

You know, that's a very good quote from
Mervyn Griffin.

Oh, all right, I'm sensitive. I'm
sensitive and I have this terrible need

loved by everyone.

It's a hang -up of mine.

Well, I'm sorry about it, Jim.

I'm sorry I bothered coming over here,
and I'm sorry that I even mentioned that

little gesture you have on television
that looks foolish. Goodbye.

Gesture? What gesture?

Oh, it's really nothing important.

No, no, no, no, no.

If it's on television, of course it's
important. What is it?

Well, it's just you have a strange way
of looking at your fingernails when

you're on television.

What about the way I look at my
fingernails on television?

It's nothing, it's nothing. I mean, it's
just a little gesture that happens to

disturb me, but possibly nobody else
even notices.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, if something about me disturbed
you, I'd like to know what it is. Now, I

insist you're not to leave this room
until you tell me what it is.

Well, I guess it's just that whenever
you're on these television talk shows

you're just getting ready to make a very
important point, you go like this.

It gives the impression that you're not
interested, and I was simply going to...

Just a minute. I don't do that. Oh,
Maude's right. Yes, you do, too. You do

that. You do it all the time. You go...
Oh, I see.

You think, because I'm an expert on
poetry, that I'm effeminate.

I'm not. Never said effeminate.

Well, you said just because I look at my
fingernails like that.

Well, I did not say effeminate. I just
said it was distracting.

Why, even my husband does that. You
know, he'll be talking away and all of a

sudden he'll go like this.

Oh, yes, because your great big butch
husband looks at his fingernails like

this. Oh, come on now, Professor. You've
got the wrong idea. No, no, no, no.

No, you have got the wrong idea.

I'm just as masculine as anybody.

I play rugby.

And I played it filthy.

Besides, I've been married three times,
so I couldn't possibly give a tinker's

curse about the way that you were...

Professor, come on now. It's only a
gesture.

I mean, it has absolutely nothing to do
with your masculinity.

It's a good thing you didn't mention the
way he crosses his legs. Vivian!

There's nothing wrong with a man liking
poetry.

I mean, look at Chaucer, Shakespeare,
Robert Frost, Carl Sandburg. Oscar

Vivian! Oscar Wilde.

Now, Vivian did not mean that the way it
sounded.

Why is it always the same?

Even when I was a little boy, the other
little boys made fun of me because I

liked rhymes.

Professor, that was their problem. You
know, it takes a real man to appreciate

beauty.

And then when I was at Oxford, those
fellows on the rugby team, they were

exactly the same.

What did they know?

Actually, I was the only one of the
bloody team who was straight.

So you mustn't think that of me.

I don't, I don't.

Why do you English have this frightening
need to be loved?

That's not the point.

I was the real man, don't you see? Of
course you were, and you...

Still are.

Professor, don't you realize that we
have something in common?

Neither one of us wants to be rejected.

Mrs. Findlay, I would like to thank you
very, very much.

You were extremely understanding just
now. It was very, very kind of you to

that.

Well, thank goodness this is all
settled.

Now come on and let's eat our lunch.
Come on.

Oh, by all means.

Do you know, I was so busy copying down
that recipe, I don't eat a thing.

I'm absolutely famished. Oh, you know, I
barely touched the crab.

Oh, isn't this delightful?

It's a great pity, really. Well, I still
can't stand you.

Maud was taped in Hollywood before a
live audience.