Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to angel that she showed up.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

Now, Mrs. Norgatuck, the object is to come through the ball with the putter

blade square, keeping your head down and coming through low like this for a

perfect shot.

Anyway, something like that.

Well, here, now you try it. Now, remember, keep your head down and the

blade square.

The blade, Mrs. Norbert... Please, I don't need anybody to teach me.

game too easy.

Mrs. Nogatrap, have you finished ironing my dress yet?

I've got the iron in my hand right now.

What's the big occasion anyway?

Well, Maud and I were at a cocktail party the other evening and met Graham

Elliot. And so Maud and Vivian are having lunch with him today over at

house. Graham D. Elliot? Never heard of him.

Oh, he's that windbag who's on all the TV talk shows.

I think he's an author or a poet or something. I was reading an article

him. Where are my glasses?

Gonna take a sentimental journey.

Gonna set my heart at ease.

Gonna take a sentimental journey.

Maude, have you seen my glasses?

To renewal.

girl's on cloud nine, isn't she? Oh, she and this big shot Elliot really hit it

off the other night. That's why she's so excited.

Can't believe my heart could be so yearny.

Why did I decide to roam?

Maude, my glasses.

Gonna take a sentimental journey.

Maude. On the desk there.

so thrilling.

Mort, now I know Graham Elliot is a big international poet and writer, but face

it, Mort, he's a windbag.

A windbag? Walter the man is a genius.

A genius. I mean, he has a priceless wit about him. Oh, and it might interest

you to know that his latest book, A Poet's Glory, is already a bestseller.

heard of it.

Mrs. Nogatuck, I'd hardly expect you to.

Don't make me out a dimwit.

I've read the Bible from cover to cover. Oh?

Well, tell me, what are the first words?

The first words in the Bible are, do not remove from this motel.

I've seen that Bible.

The last words are, for a good time, call Alice.

555 -2134.

Amen.

Come on, now, Mrs. Naugatuck, haven't you finished with the dress yet? Please,

I'm in a rush. I don't want to miss one minute with Graham Elliot. Who knows, I

might say something that he'll want to quote on the Johnny Carson show.

Maude, since you and this Elliot are such great buddies, why is the lunch

at Vivian's house instead of over here? Oh, come on now, Walter. You'd hardly

expect the professor to step foot in this house after that shocking display

made of yourself the other night.

We were all asked to recite our favorite lines of poetry, and that's exactly

what I did. Man, it was beautiful, Walter.

There was a young girl from Nantucket whose bottom was shaped like a bucket.

I know, I know.

That was a close call.

What happened?

I just managed to duck out of the house as that Galook Elliot was pulling into

the driveway. You mean he's here? Oh, Mrs.

Naugatuck, please, what's taking you so long with my dress? It's just a simple

little dress. It may be simple, but it's not little.

Arthur, you mean you passed up a chance to talk to the great man?

Will that pump its ass?

Well, the man's a bigger boy than I am.

Impossible.

Please, just give me the dress.

All right, but I haven't done a good job with it. But it's good enough to wear

just to have lunch with a poet.

There once was a British cutie, widely considered a beauty, but

she really made messes when pressing my dresses because she's a horse's

patootie.

and laughter and not say beside.

We two went on together.

I and my happy guy.

Mrs. Harmon, you're remarkable.

Do you know, there are very few people who can quote the Shropshire Lad verse

for verse right along with me.

Actually, it's the only thing I memorized in college that I still

That and the monkey wrapped his tail around the flagpole.

I cannot begin to tell you what a joy it is to be here instead of attending some

boring, stuffy literary luncheon surrounded by a cubby of cackling

which is the one dishonest thing I do to promote my books.

But you, you're an oasis in a desert of humanity.

You have a refreshing directness and honesty about you, which is unique.

I do.

Flattery, flattery charges my battery.

Charming. Charming.

I say, just as I was coming in, I saw a man leaving by the side door. He

appeared to be in a great hurry.

That was my husband.

Really?

In England, it's usually the other way around.

Oh, you British, you're so English.

My husband's a doctor, and he got an emergency call at the hospital.

Oh, I see.

He was going to have lunch with us. What a pity he can't join us.

No, no, no. Maud Finley's coming to lunch.

You remember her?

Maud Fin... Oh, yes, the Warrens Cocktail Party. Yes, that's right.

A tall, striking person. Uh -huh. Deep voice. Yes. Gorgeous gray hair. That's

Maud. I can't stand the woman.

Oh, you.

Now, you just made that up, didn't you?

No.

But my goodness, you only spent a few minutes with her. How can you dislike

By choice.

Oh, well, you'll get to like her. You know, when you get to know her, you'll

see. And the more you know her, the more you'll like her. She grows on you.

Like fungal.

Professor, what is it exactly that you don't like about her?

The woman's assertive, aggressive, abrasive, and argumentative.

And those are only the A's.

Come, Mrs. Harmon.

Dear, sweet Mrs. Harmon, do be a pet and telephone her and ask her not to come.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, I can't do that. You see, she's my very best friend. I can't call her

and tell her not to come to lunch. I can't. I just can't. Why not?

She'll hit me.

Well, by all means, let her come and I'll tell her. Oh, good.

Oh, no, you mustn't. Oh, no. Oh, no, that's even worse.

No, I'll think of something.

I'll think of some excuse. I'll just... But I can't call my best friend on the

phone and lie to her. I can't.

Well, why don't you go next door and lie to her in person?

That's a good idea.

I'll do that. That's what I'll do.

Lookie, lookie, lookie, here comes Cookie walking down the stairs.

Thank you, Walter.

What about you, Arthur? I think this is at least a two -whistle dress.

Oh, sorry, Marty.

Now make that three.

Mort, you really look great in that outfit.

You know, Walter, when I was putting on this dress, I was reminded of that

famous poem by Robert Herrick.

When in silk my Julia goes, then, then methinks how sweetly

flows that liquefaction of her clothes.

Hey, I know that one, Maude.

But I like her best at dawn, because then she don't have nothing on.

Maude, your sense of poetry is pathetic.

But I like the way your mind works.

Marty, why on earth are you getting all dressed up for Graham Elliott?

I've seen him on TV talk shows. He's nothing but a smart aleck, put -down

artist. Oh, come on. Graham Elliott does not put people down. He simply says

what he thinks. I mean, he tells the truth, whether people like it or not.

People who lie to spare other people's feelings are nothing but simpering

cowards.

I'll just come back later.

Viv! Oh, hi, Mark.

Gosh, you look beautiful. What a shame.

Where's the professor?

Who?

Professor Elliot.

Oh, oh, he's just over there next door in that house where I live.

Actually, it isn't my house. It's Arthur's house. Of course, it used to

to his first wife, Agnes. But then when she died...

Tell me, did he send you over here to hurry me up?

Well... Of course he did.

And I'm so anxious to see him. You know, I have this brilliant idea to help him

with his television appearances. Was he afraid I wasn't coming?

Not exactly.

As a matter of fact, he had to call the luncheon off. He can't make it.

What do you mean, Viv? He's already at your house.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, yes, well, to tell you the truth, he's... He's

dead.

Wait,

wait, Arthur, wait, wait.

He's not completely dead.

Vivian, what do you mean he is not completely dead?

Well, a lot of people are not completely dead.

Vivian, how dead is he?

He slept and fell on the stairs, and he's sort of dying.

Dying.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Vivian, you just said the man is dying. Well, he's not quite dying.

So anyway, the lunch is off. Goodbye, Maude.

Halt!

Vivian, what are you talking about? Oh, Maude, I can't tell you because you're

my very best friend in the whole world.

Vivian, I want the truth. Now out with it!

I can't tell you because I'm too embarrassed.

And you should be embarrassed, you little devil.

But you're not going to get away with it, Vivian.

You cannot keep the professor all to yourself because you know that I'm the

he really wants to be.

Boy, she's not even warm.

Oh, Professor Elliot.

Professor, I'm so sorry I kept you waiting.

I cannot tell you how I've been looking forward to this luncheon.

Mrs. Findlay.

Now, please, don't get up.

Professor, I have something I must tell you. You know, the other day...

I saw you on Mike Douglas' show, and I must tell you... Oh, but there was one

little... Vivian!

Vivian, I'm trying to talk to the professor.

And as I was watching you on the show, I came over this fantastic suggestion for

future television shows. Would you like to know what it is?

Mrs. Harmon, while I was waiting, I had a taste of the sauce for the crab meat.

It's delicious.

Oh, really?

Oh, I'm so glad you like it. I start out with mayonnaise and a little dry

mustard and some freshly ground black pepper and some olive oil. Oh, so it

shouldn't taste too Italian. And then just a dash of paprika.

What?

A plate.

Oh, Mrs. Finley, I put your plate in the pantry. You see, I had good reason to

believe you wouldn't be here.

I'll get it.

Poor Viv.

You can't believe the crazy story she tried to tell me. You know, it bothered

her so terribly that you and I hit it off so beautifully.

Well, I told her to use you as an example. You know, you say what you feel

let the chips fall where they may.

But I think that's what I admire most about you. But in Vivian's case, you

Hold back, won't you? I mean, Vivian is so fragile.

Hi there, Tiger.

Hi.

So, you admire my honesty? More than anything, I find your honesty

thrilling. Good.

Then prepare yourself for the thrill of a lifetime.

Because, quite frankly, Mrs. Finley, I cannot stand you.

Now, may we proceed with our lunch?

I have half a cup of white wine vinegar and a dash of Tabasco and a quarter cup

of chicken stock and some tarragon, fresh tarragon, if I have at the house.

don't, I just use that stuff sometimes.

Well, it's superb.

It doesn't have the pure taste of a fresh tarragon. What a pleasure not to

chicken a la King for a change.

Of course, I guess my special secret is a teaspoon of fresh lime juice. You

know, I speak at five or six affairs every week, so naturally I've come to

foul. Mind you, though, I said fresh, never reconstituted.

Charming, simply charming.

Anyway... When I saw you on the Mike Douglas show, I suddenly had this

idea that would help you further, you know, with more of your television

appearances. It says... So you can't stand me.

You can't stand me.

I know.

Well, if it'll make it any easier for you, Mrs. Finley, let us merely say that

do not care for you. Oh, that's much better, isn't it, Maude?

Well, I see that you really dislike me, so there's no need

for me to stay, is there? I mean, since you really don't like me, I might as

well go.

Viv, the crab meat was super.

C 'est la vie.

Oh, Mr. Thomas, would you be so good as to pass the radishes?

How the hell can you like radishes and not like me?

A radish only repeats once.

Oh, I'm sorry, Maude. We thought you'd gone.

How could I possibly leave when I just found out that I'm not wanted?

It strikes me as the perfect time to leave.

How could I possibly walk out without knowing why a man I respect, a man I

almost revere, doesn't like me? Now, tell me, Professor, what is it? What is

Am I too tall, too short, too fat, too thin?

Yes. I can change.

Mrs. Finley, why do you find it so difficult to accept rejection?

I mean, surely you've met other people who don't care for you. Oh, of course.

There was lots of them, but I was married to them.

I think I'd better stand up for my friend Maude right now and say that she

very likable, even if she happens to be a little loud and domineering and

abrasive. Stop helping me!

I'm jealous.

Now, come on, Vivian. I do not have a jealous bone in my body. Yes, you do,

Maude. You're jealous of my relationship with Professor Elliot.

How dare you call me jealous?

Well, you're... Obviously. Jealous? You're green with jealousy. Absolutely

green. If I'm green, it's because of this crummy crabmeat sauce.

I'm sorry, Vivian. I didn't mean that. I love the sauce. You do?

Well, I start out with mayonnaise and a little dry milk. Who cares, Vivian? Who

cares?

Mrs. Finley, why are you persisting in this?

Look, there are thousands of people on two continents who dislike me, and I

thrive on it.

So I would have thought that you were...

you'd be equally flattered to add a distinguished and celebrated man like

to the list of people who cannot stand you.

Look, Professor, I'll admit, you are a rotten human being.

No, I will give you that, but I still like you, and I absolutely refuse to

you reject me.

Why is it that you Americans have this frightening...

need to be loved.

I mean, what is love?

It's like the Italian government.

It's very nice to have around, but who needs it?

You know, that's a very good quote from Mervyn Griffin.

Oh, all right, I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive and I have this terrible need

loved by everyone.

It's a hang -up of mine.

Well, I'm sorry about it, Jim.

I'm sorry I bothered coming over here, and I'm sorry that I even mentioned that

little gesture you have on television that looks foolish. Goodbye.

Gesture? What gesture?

Oh, it's really nothing important.

No, no, no, no, no.

If it's on television, of course it's important. What is it?

Well, it's just you have a strange way of looking at your fingernails when

you're on television.

What about the way I look at my fingernails on television?

It's nothing, it's nothing. I mean, it's just a little gesture that happens to

disturb me, but possibly nobody else even notices.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, if something about me disturbed you, I'd like to know what it is. Now, I

insist you're not to leave this room until you tell me what it is.

Well, I guess it's just that whenever you're on these television talk shows

you're just getting ready to make a very important point, you go like this.

It gives the impression that you're not interested, and I was simply going to...

Just a minute. I don't do that. Oh, Maude's right. Yes, you do, too. You do

that. You do it all the time. You go... Oh, I see.

You think, because I'm an expert on poetry, that I'm effeminate.

I'm not. Never said effeminate.

Well, you said just because I look at my fingernails like that.

Well, I did not say effeminate. I just said it was distracting.

Why, even my husband does that. You know, he'll be talking away and all of a

sudden he'll go like this.

Oh, yes, because your great big butch husband looks at his fingernails like

this. Oh, come on now, Professor. You've got the wrong idea. No, no, no, no.

No, you have got the wrong idea.

I'm just as masculine as anybody.

I play rugby.

And I played it filthy.

Besides, I've been married three times, so I couldn't possibly give a tinker's

curse about the way that you were...

Professor, come on now. It's only a gesture.

I mean, it has absolutely nothing to do with your masculinity.

It's a good thing you didn't mention the way he crosses his legs. Vivian!

There's nothing wrong with a man liking poetry.

I mean, look at Chaucer, Shakespeare, Robert Frost, Carl Sandburg. Oscar

Vivian! Oscar Wilde.

Now, Vivian did not mean that the way it sounded.

Why is it always the same?

Even when I was a little boy, the other little boys made fun of me because I

liked rhymes.

Professor, that was their problem. You know, it takes a real man to appreciate

beauty.

And then when I was at Oxford, those fellows on the rugby team, they were

exactly the same.

What did they know?

Actually, I was the only one of the bloody team who was straight.

So you mustn't think that of me.

I don't, I don't.

Why do you English have this frightening need to be loved?

That's not the point.

I was the real man, don't you see? Of course you were, and you...

Still are.

Professor, don't you realize that we have something in common?

Neither one of us wants to be rejected.

Mrs. Findlay, I would like to thank you very, very much.

You were extremely understanding just now. It was very, very kind of you to

that.

Well, thank goodness this is all settled.

Now come on and let's eat our lunch. Come on.

Oh, by all means.

Do you know, I was so busy copying down that recipe, I don't eat a thing.

I'm absolutely famished. Oh, you know, I barely touched the crab.

Oh, isn't this delightful?

It's a great pity, really. Well, I still can't stand you.

Maud was taped in Hollywood before a live audience.