Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Jonah barked with the Lord to guide her.

She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's more.

Right on up.

Maud? Walter, you're home early.

That's right, Maud, I'm home early.

Because I got something in my mind that's been bothering me all day, and

going to talk about it right now.

Walter.

Sweetheart, if it's about last night, I'm very sorry that I ruined an intimate

moment by laughing.

But, honey, it's your own fault for tying your pajama cord in a double knot.

Maud, that's not what it is.

Now, this is important.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. This sounds serious.

It is serious.

Sit down, darling.

Okay. Now, you tell me all about it. You have my total attention.

Maud. Yes?

I want to watch Starsky and Hutch on TV tonight.

Walter, I've always been an understanding wife, and I know that

your problems don't seem terribly important to me, that that doesn't stop

from being very, very serious for you.

But, Walter, this is pathetic.

Mort, how long has your nephew been here?

Three days. Right. And for the last three nights, we've had to watch

television because that's what Steve likes.

But he's making me miss all my favorite shows.

Why can't he watch during family hour when there's nothing on that's any good?

Steve happens to be a very artistic, sensitive young man.

And besides, Walter, we should feel very lucky that he's making us watch

educational television.

No, how about that French surrealistic drama last night where the young wine

grower falls in love? That was beautiful.

Beautiful? It was crazy.

That guy fell in love with a cork.

Is that what that was?

Maude, I miss my police shows.

When I come home from work, after a hard day of being nice to customers and

suppliers and employees, I don't want art and beauty. I want violence.

Mother, I swear I'm going to wring Steve's neck. Oh, come on now, Carol.

you, too. Well, now, look at that. He never even asked. He took my last

E.

He says taking vitamin E helps protect against air pollution.

Maybe he's right. Look how clear it is out today.

Fell in love with a cork?

Oh, come on, Mort. Face it.

I mean, he's turning this whole house upside down. And I'll tell you something

else. Steve has a bad influence on Philip. Oh, now, come on, Walter. He

Philip. Sure.

But all he does is tell him that all he has to believe in is peace and goodness

and love and your life will be beautiful.

Now, what kind of a thing is that to teach a kid?

I think it's fantastic.

It's unrealistic.

It's a dog -eat -dog world out there, Carol.

Oh, come on. Now, Walter, your trouble is you don't know what love is.

I mean, love isn't something that just happens at night.

Or Saturday afternoons.

Or between halves of the Super Bowl.

Oh, Carol's here.

Don't mind me. You're giving me hope for fun in my old age.

Just keep taking your vitamin E.

Anyway, when the hell is he going to get out of here?

I mean, I thought he was going on a big hitchhiking trip to Aspen, Colorado or

something. Walter, Steve Fraser is my nephew.

He also happens to be one of my very favorite people in this world. Now, he

welcome in this house as long as he wants to stay.

Well, if I had the chance to choose the son I've always wanted, it would have to

be a toss -up between Steve and John Boy.

Oh, it's Steve Boy.

Philip and I just had a great time shooting baskets. Yeah, Grandpa Steve's

pretty good. Oh, great.

Philip, did you beat him?

We didn't play for points or anything, Walter. You know I don't believe in

competition. Let me tell you something, Philip.

If so happens, competition is good for kids. It gets them ready for life. Not

life, business.

All the false values of that rat race, grubbing after money.

I got news for you, Steve boy.

It's a jungle out there.

Walter's right, Steve. It's a jungle out there.

Next time you go out, take a good look. You'll find him hanging from a tree by

his tail.

She got you there, Walter.

Hey, Steve, don't forget about tonight.

Oh, okay.

Here. Philip, wait a minute.

You want to watch the little cops and robbers with me tonight?

Oh, gee, Grandpa, maybe we can do that next week. Steve's going to teach me how

to meditate tonight.

Sure.

Meditation. Oh, yeah.

Meditation is great, Walter.

See, it cuts out the cold reality of the modern world and lets me find refuge in

the inner tranquility of my soul.

Ever have that feeling, Walter?

Sure, every time I watch Starsky and Hutch.

Poor guy.

Oh, Steve, I almost forgot.

That girl, Ellie, from Boston?

She called you again this morning. Hey, Steve, that's ten times she's called

since you've been here. And long distance.

I'm a lady killer, huh?

Huh, Steve? Come on, Ma. I hardly even know her. She's just another chick.

Oh, come on now. You mean to tell me you and she are almost total strangers and

she's so crazy about you? The only way it could happen, Walter.

Oh,

that's okay, Ma.

That a boy, Walter. And don't you be ashamed of that hostility either.

There's a little bit of Don Rickles in all of us.

Steve, you're going to get a big kick out of this. You'll never guess what I

found this afternoon.

Honey, do you remember this?

Oh, no. Is that that record you made of us when I was little? Yeah. Oh, that's

wild. Carol, Walter, you have to listen to this.

Steve was four years old, and Carol, I was just about your age.

We would like to sing a little song.

Steve, you sound adorable.

Carol, that's me.

Hey,

Mother, it's amazing.

When you were my age, you sound like I do now. That's right.

Does that mean when I'm your age, I'll sound like you?

I hope so.

Honey, will you put this back for me?

I keep it in that box on the top shelf of my closet.

Oh, by the way, Steve, Walt and I were just wondering when you're taking off a

raspin. I bet you're kind of anxious to get started. Actually, Walter, I was

just going to go upstairs and consult the I Ching to find out when would be a

good time for me to go.

I Ching?

What's I Ching?

Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.

You wouldn't be into that, would you?

It's an ancient book of Chinese prophecies.

It's great. It tells you exactly what to do and exactly when to do it.

Boy, if I ran my life that way, I wouldn't be what I am. You aren't.

She got you again, Walter.

Mort.

Mort, that kid is completely irresponsible.

I mean, he doesn't even have a job.

He's a vegetarian.

He doesn't even enjoy violence.

Walter, face it.

That boy is free as a bird, and that is making you jealous. Come on, Maude,

don't be ridiculous.

Well, you want to know something, Walter?

I love the way he's so pure and idealistic. And I love the way he's so

completely indifferent to things like money and status and middle -class

And you want to know what I love most of all about him? What?

He despises our whole way of life.

Oh, it's probably Mrs.

Naugatuck.

Hello? Hello, I'm looking for Steve Frazier.

Oh, come on in.

He's upstairs.

Hi, I'm Ellie Burns.

Ellie, hi, I'm Maude Findlay. Hello. My husband, Walter. My daughter, Carol.

I love your hat.

Oh, thank you. Let me get rid of it for you.

Aren't you the girl I talked to on the phone this morning?

Yeah, I just rode down here from Boston.

Oh, you and Steve are good friends, huh?

Well, sort of. We used to live in the same commune in Boston.

Steve lived in a commune? I never knew that. How many people were in it?

Just the two of us.

That kind of commune.

We used to call it sleeping over at my aunt's house.

Tell me, are you and Steve going to Aspen together?

Well, I'm not sure.

Why not?

Well, because when he walked out on me, he told me he never wanted to see me

again. Why can't we get that lucky, Walter?

Uh, I don't understand. I mean, if you two kids broke up, then what are you

doing here?

Well, Steve sold his motorcycle for $500 and then sent me the money in a note

and told me to have a nice life.

But I bought the motorcycle back. I want him to have it. It really means a lot

to him.

Well, it's a Kawasaki.

Oh.

I better go and get Steve.

Um, Ellie, all these phone calls and your riding down here with a motorcycle,

are you trying to get Steve back?

Yeah.

Even though he may not want you back?

Wait a minute. I invested a lot of time in this relationship.

Oh, how long did you go together?

Six months.

That long?

You know, Ellie...

Steve walked out on you, and now you're chasing after him. Girls don't do that

today. Honey, it's 1976.

You don't need anybody. You can take care of yourself. You're a grown woman.

What do you mean I'm a grown woman? I'm only 19.

Only 19?

Jane Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice when she was only 19. I know. Queen

Victoria ruled the British Empire when she was only 19.

Yeah, but... Joan of Arc.

led troops into battle when she was only 19. So please, Ellie, don't tell me,

oh, I'm only 19.

But I love Steve.

What do you know about love? You're only 19.

Well, look, I know this much. I want to marry him.

Oh, Ellie. Ellie, marriage isn't the answer to anything.

Believe me, Ellie, she knows.

Look, I'm from Iola, Kansas, and in Iola, Kansas, we still believe in

Ellie. Ellie, you're a sweet kid. Why don't you spare yourself a heartbreak?

Look, Steve walked out on you. He's running all the way across the country

get away from you.

Now give me one logical reason why he'd want to marry you. I'm pregnant.

Steve, your fiancé's here.

You're pregnant?

Yeah. Isn't that terrific?

Ellie! Hey, Steve.

They're giving me back my Kawasaki. That's great.

Yeah. Thanks. Does Steve know?

Know what?

Well. Ellie, I think you better tell him.

Yeah. Hey, Steve, I'm, you know, like, where you're at, I might sketch you out,

but hey. Yeah.

You, me, the rosé wine, you know?

Oh, yeah.

Sure, it was super, really, but now, you know. Yeah, I know, but we shouldn't

have. And, you know, we knew, and it's like, hey, we bummed out.

You're pregnant.

Steve, you knew?

Well, she just told me.

When?

Wow. How could that happen?

Steve, you were there, weren't you, paying attention?

I know the two of you are going to be very happy together.

No way.

Steve.

Hey, I know this is tough on you, Ellie, but you're not my old lady anymore. I

hope you understand.

Yeah, but Steve, every kid deserves to have a father.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

But remember when we started living together?

We read that book, remember?

It said we should live like two oak trees reaching for the sun.

And if one oak lived in the other's shadow, then it would die. And if we got

married, we'd just be living in each other's shadows like those two oaks.

Oh, that's beautiful.

But tell me, Steve, did it say what to do about the little acorn?

Why is marriage the first thing everyone thinks of just because a girl gets

herself knocked out? Steve!

Now, look, Steve.

I may be old -fashioned, but I still believe that marriage and babies seem to

together. Yeah, like Starsky and Hutch.

Walter, Ellie's pregnant. She's going to have Steve's baby.

Oh, God, she's not going to move in here with us, too, is she?

Are you going to marry her?

No.

Hey, Ellie, my life, you know?

Yeah, but wow.

Hey, but I mean, it's like, you know? Yeah, sure, but... It's like me, you

Like, wow, speech.

Okay, you're right.

What do you mean he's right?

Don't you two ever speak English?

I know Paris. who make more sense than you do.

I should never even come here.

Mother, let me.

Look, Steve, I mean, since you and Ellie and your Kawasaki were so determined

to let the good times roll, I mean, didn't you think about safety first?

I guess we just thought it would never happen.

Look, Steve, sex is like football.

The name of the game is defense.

Oh, listen, honey, I don't want you to give up your free, beautiful lifestyle,

Steve, but think of the baby.

Man, you don't quit, do you?

I can't talk to you anymore.

I'm gonna go work on my bike.

I don't believe this.

I mean, it's just like I said. That kid is selfish and irresponsible.

That's not my Stevie.

That's not that beautiful five -year -old child I used to... I used to walk

the ice cream parlor.

When he was five years old, that kid would have been man enough to marry any

girl he got pregnant with.

Let's see. He's probably trying to get even with me. He's probably trying to

even with the whole neighborhood. I'm going to go out and talk to him.

Oh, how's Ellie?

She's having a good cry.

Walter just went out to talk to Steve.

I hope he can talk some sense into him about marrying her.

Mother, this is a complicated matter. You don't just automatically say

and expect that to be the answer to everything. Now, you just told Ellie

yourself. Well, that was before I knew there was a baby involved.

I mean, now, let's face it. A baby should have a father.

Its first word should be da -da.

Not who he.

Well, shouldn't you just let Steve and Ellie take care of this for themselves?

Of course. Oh, Lord, how do I get involved in these things?

You can't help it. You just stumble into them like little orphan Annie.

Maybe I think I just expect too much, you know, wanting to control the entire

world. You know, I remember another girl

about Ellie's age who was...

Living with a guy and got pregnant, her mother left the decision about marrying

entirely up to the daughter.

But she told her that she would stand by her no matter what choice she made.

I think I know how this comes out.

The daughter got married for the sake of the baby, and the marriage didn't work

out, so she got a divorce.

But through it all, her mother accepted her decisions and gave her lots of

support.

That's one of the reasons I love you so much.

Oh, Carol.

Oh,

you know, little orphan Annie doesn't know what she's missing not having a

daughter.

Not to mention eyeballs.

Ellie. You feeling better?

Uh -huh.

Could I use your phone? Of course. Why don't you use the one in the den? It's

more private.

Poor kid.

That's Steve. Do you suppose he's leaving?

Oh, my God! Walter

was riding the motorcycle!

It's nothing. I just scratched up my leg.

It's nothing.

Oh, Ma.

Sweetheart, maybe we've learned a lesson from this, Walter. Maybe now you'll

give up your dream about angliding.

Walter, come on. Let me take you upstairs and help you with your leg.

Steve, I want to talk to you. Ma, Steve.

Every person is accountable for his actions.

You saw too much action, you're accountable.

That's a good one.

Steve, whatever happened to responsibility?

Don't you move away until I get through to you. Now sit down.

Maude, I don't want to talk to you. You're behind the times.

Oh, you want me to be more up to date? I mean, you want me to say it in a

language that you'll understand?

Hey, like I mean, wow, like a fist.

Pow, boom, set.

Steve, the girl loved you, and the baby will love you, and Steve, isn't that

what it's all about, love?

I mean, am I quoting Steve Fraser?

Yeah, yeah.

Steve, love is in, and so is decency.

It always has been.

Okay, you win.

It's like, wow!

Wow?

Oh, Ellie, Steve has something to tell you.

Ellie, I've been thinking, you know, well,

the baby probably should have a name and everything, so I tell you what, I'll...

I'll forget about going to Aspen, and we'll get married, and I'll stay with

Oh, now, that's my Steve. Till after the baby's born. Then I'll go to Aspen.

Steve.

Steve, what kind of solution is that? You didn't hear one wow I said.

Come on, it's the best I can do. Well, it's not good enough.

Steve, this girl needs you. She loves you. Tell her, Mellie.

Steve, about your proposal.

Yeah? Stick it in your ear.

Ellie, don't be silly. I mean, he'll change his mind. Please, Mrs. Finley,

out of this. This is my problem.

Steve, I want a full -time husband and father, and if you can't do that, then

forget it, Charlie.

That's the thanks I get for postponing my trip to Aspen.

Ellie, where did you get an idea like this? From listening to you and Carol.

So I just called my folks.

And you want to know what?

They want me to come home.

But I decided you were right.

It's about time I learned to stand on my own two feet. Oh, come on now, Ellie.

You're only 19.

I'm a woman.

I can take care of myself.

Ellie, don't be so rigid. I mean, even Gloria Steinem gets her hair streaked.

Steve, you're old enough to be a father, but I don't think you're old enough to

be a parent.

Goodbye, Carol.

Goodbye, Mr. Finley.

Steve. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mrs. Finley.

Thanks.

Thanks? For what?

I did everything wrong.

Why couldn't you have been a French surrealist and fallen in love with a

What are you upset about?

Ellie turned into a woman right before our eyes. She's becoming independent

like you wanted. You should be happy.

Stick it in your ear.

Hey.

Hey, she's taking my Kawasaki.

What's she so mad about?

Maybe it was something you said.

Wow, what a crazy afternoon.

Hey, Walter.

Are you sure you want to watch Starsky and Hutch? There's this great

on educational television about this guy. He lived for two years with Alaskan

harbors.

Steve, I think you have a lot of growing up to do.

Huh?

Steve, I am not too crazy about you at this moment.

And I think if you ever decide you want to live with a woman again, first you

have to learn how to be a man.

And you can start by going out on your own. Now go up and pack your things and

get your ass men out of here.

But Aunt Maud... Go!

Unc? You heard Aunt Maud. Get out of here.

Oh, and Steve, if you have any dirty laundry, I'll do it before you go.

Oh, and Steve, if you need any money, Uncle Walter will help you out.

Terrific.

Pathetic.

Oh, Walter, my nephew Steve is finally growing up. You know, I think we really

got through to him while he was here. What makes you think so? Well, he sent

this package. I guess it's, you know, a little gift for the house.

He's really a changed person.

Dear Aunt Mort, how can I thank you for the lesson you taught me? You'll be

needing my new address, so please save this envelope.

Love, Steve.

Ah.

What did he send you?

His laundry.

He sent us his dirty laundry.

I'll kill him! I will strangle him!

That's why I like to watch Starsky and Hutch.

To get away from all your violence.

I'm going to get you, so help me.

in Hollywood before a live audience.