Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Right on, Maude.

No, Mrs.

Nogatuck. For the tenth time, that's wrong.

Wrong? Yes. I'm sorry, Mrs. Nogatuck. My answer was wrong?

Mrs. Nogatuck, I don't understand this. Now, yesterday when we were going over

these questions for your final citizenship test, you knew all the

Today you can't remember a thing.

Mrs. Nogatuck, the reason we fought the Revolutionary War was we did not want

taxation without representation.

Well, now you have representation. Do you like it better?

You are not going to die, Walter. It is only a cold.

You'll never guess what he wants now.

Ice cubes, so he can drink his NyQuil on the rocks.

Walter,

will you please stop ringing that bell?

What is it you want now?

When's Arthur coming to examine me?

Any minute now. Until he gets here, just keep playing with your Kleenex.

Well, Mrs.

Nogatuck, how are you making out with your history questions?

Not very good, Mother.

Well, I don't see why I have to do another test to become a citizen.

Well, the examiner said that Judge Fletcher likes to ask his own questions

before he swears a person in.

You know, Judge Fletcher's descended from one of America's greatest families,

the ones who invented Castoria.

One of my ancestors was a very great American, too.

A very great American? A very great American.

Thomas Paine.

Thomas Paine.

Well, undoubtedly, you'll go down in history as an even greater pain than he.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I don't understand. Yesterday you knew everything.

You were even able to list all of the presidents of the United States in

You only forgot one.

Which one?

Ford.

For some reason I never can remember Ford.

It's easy.

Just associate him with the Edsel.

Mrs.

Naugatuck, now here's an answer I think you should know.

Walter, what is it now?

Maybe it'll short out your electric blanket.

Mark, why don't I go up and put a Band -Aid on his hot water bottle? After all,

I am a doctor's wife.

Think of the devil! Oh,

Arthur, thank heaven you're here. That Swiss bell ringer upstairs is driving us

all crazy.

Will you please go up and explain to him that there is nothing wrong with him?

Of course.

Well, Mrs. Nogatuck, tomorrow's the great day, huh?

It is.

Mrs. Nagata, tomorrow you're going to be sworn in as a citizen.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Good. What time are you going to be sworn in?

Sworn in for what?

Your citizenship.

Arthur, you'll have to forgive Mrs. Naugatuck. She can't seem to be able to

concentrate today.

As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to wonder if she doesn't have a few... Mrs.

Naugatuck, are you acquainted with the American slang expression to have a few

screws loose?

No.

I'm beginning to wonder if she doesn't have a few screws loose.

Arthur, I'm dying!

Come on up and bring the deck of cards!

Oh, that sounds serious.

Mrs. Naugatuck, are you ready to go on with the test? Oh, yes.

Mrs. Nogatuck.

Mrs. Nogatuck, you dropped your teacup. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, never mind. Go on, ask her another question.

Uh, who said give me liberty or give me death?

Uh... I'll give you a hint. The initials are P

-H... Patty Hearst!

Nogatuck, I don't understand you.

Now, how do you expect to become a citizen if you don't even know who

Henry was?

Who said I don't know who Patrick Henry was? Of course I know who Patrick Henry

was. All right, then. Who was he?

Who was who?

I think I'll go and get myself another cup of tea.

I really don't understand.

Dad, I mean, I've been working with you on these questions for three weeks now.

What is the matter with you? I mean, don't you remember anything? If I would

you who won the Revolutionary War, would you know the answer? Yes, you won it.

If we'd won it, I'd be asking you these flipping questions.

Oh, come on, Walter. It's just a little cold. A little cold. Did you hear that,

Mort? He calls the temperature of 98 .7 just a little cold.

Walter, please, that is one -tenth of a degree over normal.

I'm burning up with fever. You don't care. You could die around here and

would lift a finger.

Don't tempt me, Walter.

Nobody pays any attention to me.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you dropped your cup again.

It's the second time she's done that.

Oh, really?

Mrs. Naugatuck, how are you feeling?

Hey!

thick here? Look, Walter, then why don't you go back upstairs and play with your

book of rainy day games?

Mrs. Nogatuck, how are you feeling?

Well, to tell the truth, I'm not feeling myself.

I think it's a touch of arthritis.

This morning I woke up a little dizzy and my right arm feels a bit numb.

Well, why didn't you say something?

Well, I hoped it'd go away.

I don't want to miss being sworn in tomorrow.

Well, if your right arm's a little numb, I think I'd better give you an

examination.

Mrs. Naugatuck, we need some privacy. Why don't you and I go in the kitchen so

can check you out? Oh, no, I'm not going into the kitchen to take my clothes off

for you.

You don't have to take your clothes off.

And even if you did, remember, I'm a doctor.

The sight of a naked woman means absolutely nothing to me.

That's true.

Come on, Mrs. Naugatuck. Hey, Arthur, what about me? My arm's numb, too.

Please, Walter, if your arm is numb, it's because you were sleeping on it.

no, it isn't. It's numb from the flu.

Some people get stomach flu. I get elbow flu.

Walter, I can see the impression the mattress button made.

Posturepedic.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Dear doctor, what are all these mm -hmms costing me?

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck, money is not the important thing here. Your health is.

And after all, money can't buy health.

Not from you, it can't.

Would you just mind standing up for a minute?

Now, I know that you said that your right arm was a little bit numb, so I

to test its strength.

We'll start with the left. Make a fist.

Now, I'm going to pull on your hand, and I want you to resist as much as you

can. All right?

Yes, I'll resist you, all right.

All right.

Fine. Now, the right.

Thank you, Doctor.

That's made me feel much better.

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck, if you'll just stand quietly.

There's something I want to listen to.

What's wrong, Doctor?

What?

What is wrong?

I just want to...

Would you just sit down and relax for a minute?

Make yourself comfortable, and I'll be back to explain things.

Well, I... Well, I don't want to alarm anybody, but she's having transient

ischemic episodes.

In English, Arthur, in English.

Well, I'm afraid Mrs. Naugatuck is having a series of little strokes.

There's just no doubt about it.

She has all the signs.

Loss of memory, weakness on the right side, and also, and this is very

important, a sound in the neck, which we call the bruit.

It indicates a narrowing of the artery.

That means that less blood is getting to the brain, and that causes a series of

little strokes.

Well, Arthur, with all due respect to you, I would like a second opinion.

Oh, I don't blame you, Marty.

So here it is.

Loss of memory, weakness on the right side... Not from you!

From another doctor, in case you were wrong.

Me? Wrong?

When was the last time that I was wrong? 48 hours ago, when you told Walter he

had the 24 -hour flu.

Oh. Well, there's no denying Mrs. Nogatuck's symptoms, Martin.

What a shame. What a shame.

These things are very tricky.

Unpredictable. Sometimes the symptoms can disappear overnight.

Memory returns.

Strength comes back.

But at other times, it's a warning that there could be a more serious stroke on

the way.

Yeah, admitting, please.

Hopefully, with the proper care and medication, we can avert that.

Is Dr.

Harmon here?

Yeah. I'll need a bed.

Possible impending CVA.

She'll be there in about 30 minutes.

Right.

Excuse me. I can drive her there often. Oh, Walter.

You can't go to the hospital. You're sick.

I'll take her.

I'm glad you didn't ask me to hang by me thumbs that long.

Well, how am I?

You're going to be as good as new.

That bad, is it?

Oh, this is not a little circulation problem. We'll take care of it. Just

a short little visit to the hospital.

The hospital?

Call Bust Me Bangers!

But dear, it's just for a little while.

That's what they all say.

Wild horses couldn't drag me to no flipping hospital.

Now, listen, you're going to go whether you like it or not. Well, I don't like

it, and I'm not going, so that's that. That's not that, and that's that. Well,

if you think that's that, you don't know what's what.

Now, listen to me, Mrs. Naugatuck, I am not going to... Please, Marty, she

shouldn't get excited.

Now, look, Mrs. Naugatuck, we just have to take a few tests.

Here's the point.

You've been having some little strokes.

Little strokes, me?

Oh, balderdash. I'm as strong as an horse. Would you like me to punch you

You're going to be all right.

Besides, I can't go.

I'm becoming a citizen tomorrow.

Don't worry about that, dear. The country will still be here after you get

Oh, no, they'll never allow a sick old English lady to become a citizen.

Oh, now, don't be such a gloomy gut. Lots of sick old ladies are citizens.

Vivian!

Just trying to cheer her up.

Listen, dear, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Walter went to the hospital, remember, when he had the heart attack?

Look at him now, healthy as a horse.

Stop it, you ass.

Now, look, Mrs. Naugatuck, we want you to go because we love you. And we want

be sure that you get the best possible care. Mrs. Naugatuck, we're only

about you. Oh, please, we're begging you, Mrs. Naugatuck. It's very

Well,

if you all insist, I suppose I'll have to give in and go.

Yes,

but there's just one thing.

What?

25 years ago, my mother went to hospital and we never saw her again.

Oh, no. She passed away.

Not quite.

They were giving her the last rites when she came to and she ran off

with the chaplain.

Mrs. Naugatuck, we have a wonderful surprise for you.

Well, Mrs.

Naugatuck, dear, you look wonderful.

Doesn't she, Viv?

Uh -huh.

Mrs. Naugatuck, dear, is anything wrong?

Oh, I can't stand it any longer.

That dear, pretty young nurse is going to have a baby.

What nurse?

Oh, you've been watching Young Doctor Young on television.

And the doctor's just told her that she has to have an operation or she

might not live.

But if she does have the operation, the baby might not live.

And the doctor doesn't know it.

But the baby is his.

Dear Mrs. Naugatuck, it's only a television show.

Vivian, would you believe Mrs. Naugatuck is crying?

I don't blame you. It's so sad.

Vivian, that's only the commercial.

That ache all over, feverish feeling that sometimes accompanies a cold is

that sad.

I can't help it. I identify.

Varian, will you get out of that bed, please?

Hello, hello, hello.

How is everybody?

Oh, Arthur, it's so sad. This sweet young nurse is going to have a baby.

Oh? And the doctor, who's the father, doesn't know it's his.

I'm not a bit surprised. They're very slack around here.

Arthur, she's talking about young Dr.

Young.

Oh, that soap opera quack. He's a disgrace to the medical profession.

Arthur.

Thank you.

How is she?

Well, her condition seems to be more stable. Oh, thank God.

I'll know more later.

I think that little surprise of yours will do her a world of good.

And how are we feeling today?

Oh, we are better, thank you.

And how are all of you?

spirit. I just want to assure you we're giving you the best medical care the

Finleys can afford.

You really have a marvelous bedside manner.

I think so, too.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I just can't keep it in any longer. We really have such a

wonderful surprise for you. Oh, yes, and you are going to love it. Now, listen,

dear. I don't want you to get too excited now.

Now, are you sure you're feeling all right? Oh, yes, Mum, I'm pretty chipper.

Good. Well, let me tell you, in just one... Just my neck's got a little crick

sitting up like this. Good. And I do hope I don't get bed -sourced from this

mattress. Fine. And this new feeling of... Who cares?

What I mean is we really have a wonderful surprise for you, probably the

greatest surprise of your life. You know, Walter has a few connections.

He made a few phone calls.

And you are not going to have to wait to take your final citizenship test.

You're going to take it today. Right now, in this very room.

As a special favor, guess who's out in the hall?

Judge Fletcher.

A United States judge here?

Oh, it's impossible. No, it is not impossible. They do this in, you know,

certain rare cases.

And I'm a certain rare case.

You're granting me my dying wish?

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, of course not. Oh, yes, you're telling me I'm going to

croak. I'm going to the great maids' room upstairs.

Or downstairs.

Where do you think you're going? I'm not going to spend my last moments in no

flippin' bad hospital.

I'm too young to die.

Now take off your coat and hop back into bed.

I am going to die. You're being nice to me. I am not being nice to you. She's

never been nice to you.

Dear, you're not to bury me in this coat because I've left it to you in my

will. Now look, I have had it up to here with what you want. I am telling you

for the last time, you left me your coat.

So sweet.

It won't fit, but it's the thought that counts.

It's all over for me.

Oh, now, look, dear. I mean, this is the last thing in the world we wanted you

to think. All we wanted to do was surprise you.

But you're so upset. I think we should forget the whole thing for now.

Judge.

Judge Fletcher, I want to become a citizen before I die.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Nogatuck. You're not going to pass away.

Why, Arthur told me that lots of people who have minor strokes recover

completely and lead normal lives for years.

And Arthur wouldn't lie to me. I'm his wife, not one of his patients.

Judge Fletcher, I'm terribly sorry. I made a mistake asking you here. She's in

no condition to answer questions today.

Who says I can't answer questions? You're much too upset.

I mean, you wouldn't remember anything.

You remember, like, yesterday?

Oh, baloney! I bet right now I know more about America than you do.

Go ahead, Judge.

Ask me some questions.

Well, all right.

Now, George Washington was our first president.

When was he elected?

I know that.

Do you, Mum?

Oh, come on now. This isn't my test. This is your test. Yes, but do you know

answer? I know the answer. Of course.

George Washington was elected the second Tuesday after the Revolution.

Bars were closed.

1789, that's when.

Wonderful. You knew that, too.

Right. Where and when was the Constitution written?

Go on, expert.

The Constitution.

Um... Um... Philadelphia,

1787. Right. Right.

See? You knew it.

And ratified, 1788. Run that up your flagpole and salute it.

That's very good.

Now, there are nine justices on the Supreme Court. Name five.

Okay. Oh, well, come on. Now, that's easy.

Burger, Marshall, Sneezy, Dopey, and Grumpy.

Rehnquist, Brennan, Stephen, Stewart, and Wizard White. I told you I know

more about America than you do.

Well, I don't have to know anything. After all, I was born here.

Lucky for you. Otherwise, you could be deported.

Now, one final question.

Who is the chief executive of the United States?

Edsel Ford.

Right?

Close enough.

Naugatuck, why do you want to become an American citizen?

Well, when I first came to this country, I was all alone.

And I went to work for a couple of loonies by the name of Finlay.

And I felt one of the family.

I felt they loved me, and I loved them.

And then I learned to love this country, too.

Almost as much as the Finlay.

Mrs. Nogatuck.

Mrs. Finlay.

Mrs. Nogatuck.

There were hundreds of reasons why people want to become U .S. citizens,

that, that is so hokey.

I must say, this is the most unusual test I've ever given.

But you know your country.

And it's history. I see no reason why you shouldn't become a citizen.

Did you hear that, Mrs.

Naugatuck? Oh, Arthur, she's going to become a citizen. She just passed her

final test.

Well, congratulations.

And I think you'll be happy to know that you passed your medical test, too.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes. All you have to remember now is to take your medicine, avoid anxiety,

and watch your diet. Just like every other American citizen.

Are you prepared to take the oath?

Oh, yes.

I hereby declare an oath. I hereby declare an oath.

That I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure. That I absolutely and

entirely... And that I take this obligation freely. And that I take

this obligation freely. Without mental reservation.

Without mental reservation... Or purpose of evasion, so help me God.

Or purpose of evasion, so help me God.

Congratulations, you are an American citizen.

Now can I complain about the taxes?

You're only going to be here a few more days, and I think we're going to make

you feel right at home.

This is Mrs. Robinson. She's going to share the room with you. She comes from

Liverpool. Hello!

If she moves in, I move out.

It's a snog attack.

I'm not sharing my room with a ruddy foreigner.

What was taped in Hollywood before a live audience?