Original subtitles

Last week on Maud, our official campaign poster, HFP,

Henry Fonda for president.

Doctor, the reason we're so worried about my mother is she's gone to all of

trouble and all this expense.

She hasn't even talked to Mr. Fonda yet. Well, it usually happens sooner or

later to someone who might be a manic depressive.

Manic depressive?

You know, all of us at some time or other in our lives.

Have emotional highs and lows, you know.

Uncontrolled. The higher this gets, the lower this can get.

And both emotional extremes, well, they can be dangerous.

And because I am so sure that you could do anything you set your mind to, if you

do succeed in getting me nominated, I will not run.

Oh, it's all my fault.

I had the opportunity.

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Jonah barked with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's one rider.

It's basically what you could call a grassroots campaign.

This will be the headquarter. Bloody slobs, reporters.

Bloody slobs. I just don't understand this. It was just night before last that

Henry Fonda stood in that exact spot and said he wouldn't run for president.

Then Marty gets so depressed, she has to go upstairs to bed for two days, and

the whole thing starts all over again.

Isn't it exciting?

No, it's not exciting. It's sick.

I know about these things. I'm a doctor.

When will Walter see this chaos?

Oh, fried fritters, Arthur.

I'll get it.

Sponder for present headquarters.

Who is it?

Barbara Wal... Barbara Wal... You mean Barbara Walters of the Today Show,

Barbara Walters?

Oh, well, excuse me just a minute, Miss Walters. Here, hold it.

What's the matter?

That's Barbara Walters, and I'm a mess.

Hello?

Yes, hello, Miss Walters.

Oh, you wanted to talk to Mrs. Finley. Well, she's, um, she's resting just now.

I hung up on Walter Cronkite.

Not actually Walter Cronkite. It was this other man. I think his name was

Hi. Hi.

You got a press pass to get in?

Press pass?

No pass. You can't get in. Orders.

What the hell are you talking about? Don't hassle me, Mac.

I'm only doing this job part -time as a favor. My full -time job is different.

Look, I don't care who you are. I don't care about your orders. And I don't care

whatever it is you do when you're not here.

I'm an organizer for the Teamsters Union.

I care.

Tony, when Walter Cronkite gets here, be sure you let him in. Gotcha. Vivian!

Where do you think you're going?

Didn't you hear her call me Walter? Yeah.

I'm Walter Cronkite.

Mr. Finley. What the hell are you up to?

My job.

When Mr. Finley took me out of my taxi, he made me press secretary, I promise.

Look who I got here.

Time magazine, Newsweek, the Washington Post, the Wall Street Journal, and the

biggest of them all, Butch Hacker from the National Enquirer.

Carol,

does Maude know anything about this? No.

She's been so depressed, she's been upstairs in her bed sleeping all day.

did this happen?

I mean, who'd be dumb enough to say anything to all these newspapers about

Fonda? Certainly none of us.

Listen to this, Walter, from the New York Times.

The meeting between Mr. Fonda and Mrs. Findlay was confirmed by an unidentified

source who said, it's true that Mr. Fonda bloody well came to the flippin'

house.

Sounds like a Russian spy to me.

Mort is depressed. I'm going upstairs and talk to him. Well, I better come

you.

Mort,

I know you're depressed.

And I know this isn't the time to bring this up.

Mother, how are you feeling?

Walter.

Walter, come here, Walter.

Of course, Maude. I'm here.

Oh, Walter, I've been waiting for you. I have to talk to you.

I'm here, Maude. Talk to me. Talk to me.

Walter.

Yes, Maude. I want to tell you a joke.

A joke?

This man walks into a restaurant.

The lobster, he brings him one that only has one claw.

Have you heard this, Walter?

So the man says, what happened to the other claw?

And the waiter says, oh, he got in a fight with another lobster and he lost

So the man says...

I was five years old.

Right before he came to the punchline, I blurted it out ahead of him.

He was crushed.

You never did that to your father, did you, Walter?

Maude, I know you're upset, but something's got to be done.

The house is full of reporters. The phone is ringing off the hook.

It's a madhouse. Reporters? How can you talk about reporters when I ruined my

father's lobster joke?

Maud, word got out that Henry Fonda was here and they think he's running for

president. Walter, not now.

When?

I mean, the whole world's going crazy, Maud.

Even Barbara Walters called.

Maud, Henry Fonda is not running.

You're standing there calling Barbara Walters a liar.

Maud, Henry Fonda's... What does Henry Fonda know? He's an actor.

Now, this is really wonderful. It's beginning to snowball. Walter, what did

tell you?

Henry Fonda for president. I mean, we'll get every single woman's vote in the

country. I just had a brilliant idea.

For the men, for vice president, we'll run Jane.

Ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, these are the

Now, I know there have been a great many rumors flying around, but the truth is,

according to Barbara Walters, Henry Fonda wants to be president so bad he

taste it. No more questions. No more questions. I really have nothing more to

say. Oh, except for this. A little human interest.

I sleep in the raw.

Say what you just said. It's not true.

Mrs. Finlay, Mrs. Finlay. Turn on the 5 o 'clock news.

They're interviewing Henry Fonda at the Kennedy Airport. Thank God. We can put

an end to this once and for all.

We're out of proportion. But Mr. Fonda, you said... What do I know? I'm an

actor.

We're out of proportion.

Are you denying that you appeared before a group of your supporters in Tuckahoe,

New York? No, but... Then you are declaring yourself a candidate. No. Then

you're an undeclared candidate.

No, I didn't tell them I was running for president. They told me.

Then you admit you are running for president. I didn't say that.

Are you willing to settle for the vice presidency?

No, absolutely not.

Then it's the presidency or nothing. Yes.

Well, as you've just seen for yourselves, Mr. Henry Conda, with a

unlike that of Senator Ted Kennedy and Hubert Humphrey, unofficially throwing

his hat into the ring.

I mean, look at the political savvy he's picked up already.

I will not run.

Speak to you in the kitchen? Oh, certainly, darling. Oh, Walter, this is

to be the most exciting campaign in the history of this country.

I want you to see Dr. Lester.

Now, look, Walter, I am tired of your constantly referring to my enthusiasm as

manic depression.

Damn it, Maud, you got a problem. Admit it.

And if you got a problem, go to a person who can help you with that problem.

If it takes a psychiatrist, go see a psychiatrist.

If it takes a doctor, go see a doctor.

For crying out loud, if it takes a television repairman, go see a

repairman.

Walter, are you trying to tell me there's something wrong with my

tubes?

Ward, your problem is my problem. I'll see Dr.

Lester with you. Walter, who sees the psychological problem in this situation,

you or me? I do.

You see the psychological problem, you see the psychiatrist.

explain this fantasy of yours that I need a television repairman.

All right, Maud. Forget it!

Brilliantly dramatic performance, Walter, but you forgot to say one thing.

Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn.

You're in the wrong movie, Maud.

But if you ever want any help, all you have to do is whistle.

And... You know how to whistle.

Just pucker up and blow.

Carol, Viv, Mrs.

Nogatuck, Arthur, I'm worried.

For the first time in my life, I think I'm very frightened.

I know, Mother.

Maude, we all understand.

It'll work out, Mom.

Maude, it's facing the problem that's the important thing.

You're all so right, and I'm so glad you recognize it, too.

And Walter needs help. He's sick.

Let's move it. Ash will be down in a minute. No!

This is worse than yesterday.

Oh, wow. Now it's television.

Every time I turn my back, this place turns into a madhouse. Relax, Mac.

You're about to be visited by the girl all America likes to wake up with.

Linda Lovelace is coming here?

I'm talking about Barbara Walters. But I like your taste.

Now, look, only authorized personnel allowed in here. Now, be a nice guy.

Hey, you, Cronkite.

Out in the kitchen.

And that's the way it is.

I can't believe this.

Where's Maude?

She's upstairs getting dressed for her interview.

It's like being in prison.

Well, the men in the living room don't want us in there while Mother's doing

interview with Barbara Walters.

Why? When Betty Ford gets interviewed, do they lock Jerry in the kitchen?

That's it.

That's it.

That's how she got away with all that dirty talk about sex and marijuana.

They had Jerry locked in the kitchen.

I'm so worried about Mort. I'm a nervous wreck.

And on top of everything else, she spent over $2 ,500 on this dumb campaign.

You mean $3 ,000.

She bought herself a new outfit for the interview.

How can one outfit cost $500?

It came with a hat.

Walter, Walter, you've got to help me get upstairs to see Maude. Those TV

won't let me through, and I know I can help her. Listen, I stayed up all night

reading this wonderful medical book, and I know all about manic depression.

Vivian, kindly remember who the doctor is here.

Oh. Oh, Arthur, I'm sorry.

Well, I only read one book.

I don't know half as much about medicine as you do.

I accept your apologies.

Anyway, I have such encouragement for Maud. Did you know they used to put

in asylums before they found out that most manic depression is caused by a

chemical imbalance in the brain?

See, Maud isn't just depressed. She's a manic depressive. And that's different

because that can be controlled biochemically. Did you know that?

Did you know that, did you? Vivian, he should be hearing this from a qualified

physician.

Arthur, we don't have time to find a qualified physician.

Anyway, Walter, I stayed up all night reading this wonderful book called From

Sad to Glad, and it fits Maude's case exactly.

Her violent swings from high to low, and how she spends money like water, and

how she's so unpredictable, like...

Like suddenly getting romantic right in the middle of an argument?

She told me that last week you and she were driving along and you were having a

terrible argument and she said right in the middle of it you came to Albany

Avenue and you stopped for a red light.

And she said, before the light turned green...

By telling you all this, you were the one who was trying to drive.

Anyway, I stayed up all night because I love Mauden because I know if she

doesn't get help, it can get worse. And I want to help her right now because

she's my best friend in the whole world.

Oh, I want to help her right this minute.

Yeah.

Okay, we're all set up.

Miss Walters is on her way for the interview.

Her production person, Faye Dunlap, is coming down to set things up.

The most beautiful girl in the world.

Alice Cooper, eat your heart out.

I was going to say overdressed.

We'll be ready to go in a minute, Mrs. Finley. Oh, and you are?

I'm nobody, just a member of the television crew, ma 'am. Now, please

you are nobody.

Nobody is a nobody.

You are a worker, and workers are the backbone of this country, and you

our respect and our love, because without you, we are nothing.

Lady. That's beautiful.

Take your grimy hands off. Are we ready? Time wasted. Money

lost. Yes, ma 'am. All set.

Mrs. Finley. Yes? Now, let's see.

Please sit here.

Is that what you're wearing?

Oh, now, don't be nervous.

Just a moment. Just a moment. I understood that I was to be interviewed

Barbara Walters. Mrs. Finley, you are being interviewed by Barbara Walters.

God, what do they do to make you look so beautiful on TV?

Mrs. Finley. Not that you aren't lovely.

Now, you guys do one hell of a job.

Now, see.

Go ahead, Miss Walters.

Mrs. Finley, I'm not... Barbara Walters. I knew it. Now, where the hell is

Barbara Walters?

She's on her way. She's been delayed interviewing Kissinger.

Doesn't she realize that she's wasting her time on small potatoes with

when I am sitting on the biggest story in the country?

This is an insult to Henry Fonda.

Get out of my house. I don't need you.

Come on, gang.

Barbara picked another hamburger.

Come on. You've got me a beam at three o 'clock.

Tony, you can leave. I don't need you anymore.

Yes, ma 'am.

I just got rid of everybody.

I don't need Barbara Walters. Maud, please! This is no time for a lecture,

Walter. Don't you realize I'm in the middle of a campaign to have Henry Fonda

elected president?

Maud, there is no campaign.

Grandma! Grandma!

We had a mock election in our school today. Guess who won? Henry Fonda.

Do you hear, Walter?

Even little school children know that Henry Fonda's a winner.

Yeah, he won by 28 votes. He clobbered Tony Alando and Don.

Mrs. Finley.

Mrs. Finley, a telegram from Henry Fonda.

How do you know who it's from?

I opened it.

Oh, this is it. This is it. This has to be the official declaration that Henry

Fonda is entering the race. Oh, God, isn't this exciting?

Dear Mrs. Finley, know your heart's in the right place, but emphatically, I

am...

Not a candidate.

If you persist in using my name, we'll have to turn the matter over to my

attorneys.

P .S.

You're one heck of a lady.

Henry Fonda.

Mrs. Finley, you're real class.

I laid out 35 bucks this morning for coffee and junk, you know, for TV crew.

But it's all on me.

Oh, gosh, don't be silly.

Take it out of the special reserve fund.

Reserve fund?

The $6 ,500 we had in our national city account.

That's Philip's account.

That's the money we've been...

Saving for his college education.

You can't spend that money. I already spent it.

What? How dare you?

Who gave you the authority to even touch it?

You did, for expenses.

$500 for office supplies and $6 ,000 for miscellaneous.

That does it.

Get out of here, Gus.

Come on, get out of my house!

Listen to that.

35 bucks.

It don't pay to be a nice guy.

$6 ,500 gone.

Wasted.

Maude, we broke our backs for eight years saving that money for Philip.

that wasn't even all your money. I contributed $40 a month to that

Mother, you had no right.

Now, if you don't understand what you're doing to yourself, I...

Look what you're doing to people who love you.

Stop it!

I'm sorry I yelled.

But you got no right to speak to Grandma like that.

It's okay, Grandma.

I don't mind. After all, it was spent for a good cause.

They're quite a guy, Philip.

Your grandmother needed a little love just then.

Maud.

Does that mean you'll see Dr.

Lester? The first thing tomorrow morning.

Well, you are the most wonderful, most incredible...

Since I'm still on cloud nine, why don't we take advantage of it?

Shall we go upstairs?

Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes. All right, sweetheart.

You've been seeing Mort about six weeks now, Dr.

Lester. What do you think?

Well, the medication seems to have stabilized her mood.

Now we can get at the real causes.

Are you sure, Doctor?

Oh, yes.

Maude's a forceful, dynamic person, of course. But she's on an even keel now.

You know, not any more of those extreme highs and lows.

This is ridiculous.

This is really ridiculous.

You are the most incompetent person who ever set foot in a kitchen.

I mean, of all the dumb things you have ever pulled, this has to be the dumbest.

Who ever heard of frying a leg of lamb?

I'm sorry, Maude.

the oven.

I was heating the salad plate.

You're not incompetent. You are hopeless. Absolutely hopeless.

I mean, you cook the way Truman Capote arm wrestles.

You're right. She's back to normal.

was taped in Hollywood before a live audience.