Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc would the Lord to guide her.

She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh yeah!

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross!

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right or not?

I just hope that when I'm 53, I look as good as he does. You did.

Uh,

Vivian, is the cake ready?

Yes, yes, but where's our birthday boy? He's gonna miss his own surprise party.

Oh, I called the store. They said he left at 4 o 'clock.

Mother, it's almost 6 o 'clock.

Oh, come on, you two. You know Walter.

He can never tear himself away from anybody he happens to be talking to. You

know, customers, supermarket clerks, the man at the newsstand.

I mean, he's always been that way. That's why tonight's party is going to

biggest surprise I've ever given Walter.

Except on our honeymoon.

No, I invited all these people tonight because these are the people that Walter

stops and talks to. These are the real friends of Friendly Findley's. Oh,

a sweet, generous gesture. I know. They eat like horses.

Well... I know Muller, the butcher, and Art from Art's service station, but who

are the rest of these people?

Oh, well, Carol, I don't know everybody, although I do know most of them. Oh,

Harry!

Harry, my daughter Carol.

This is Harry Devlin, Walter's auto mechanic.

Hello. Walter adores your grease jobs.

And I adored him.

He's one of Tuckahoe's greats. Oh, Harry!

And that's Jerry Financio, Walter's druggist. And that's the pharmacist's

Jerry's wife? No, Jerry's mate. Jerry's wife goes with the dry cleaner.

Do you know who that is?

That is Hazel M.

Hathaway.

The Hazel M. Hathaway who writes tales from your tuckahoe tattler and just

everybody? I love her.

That's the one.

That is the one. If she enjoys herself here tonight, she'll probably put

Walter's name in her column tomorrow.

Hey!

Perhaps I'd better.

Mrs. Hathaway, I'm Maude Findlay. Welcome to my home.

Oh, Mrs.

Findlay. I was just noticing the decor in this room. Did you do it yourself, or

did you have a decorator? Well, no, actually, I did it all myself.

That's what I figured.

Where's the guest of honor? What's his name?

There's a car pulling up in the driveway.

Oh, quiet, everybody.

Quiet, everybody. Now, look, you all know what you have to do. Now, we're

to yell surprise, and then we're all going to sing happy birthday. Oh,

incidentally, I took Walter's key so that he'd have to ring the bell.

Pretty nice house this Finley guy's got. It's hard to believe.

What? That he's a sex weirdo.

Like they say, perversion cuts across socioeconomic lines.

Uh -oh, they got company.

Listen, maybe we ought to give this guy a break and come back later.

You can't let a perpetrator like Finley run around loose.

The guy's charged with lewd and lascivious conduct, exposing himself in

You're right.

Two policemen, isn't this marvelous?

Come on in.

What a wonderful surprise for Walter.

I'm Officer Crandall, and this is Officer Sullivan. Now, where is... Oh,

come right on in. We expect Walter any minute. Look, everybody.

Chuckahoe's finest.

Yeah, I just think it's so fantastic the way Walter makes friends so easily.

I mean, you know, what happened to you two? I know. You gave him a traffic

ticket, and he charmed the pants off you.

That's my Walter. That is my Walter.

Ours, too.

Ours, too.

Why don't you help yourselves to a drink and just relax, huh?

Officers, I just want you to know I was the first one in this neighborhood that

had a bumper sticker that says, Guns kill people, not cops.

I support law and order to combat this police brutality bunk.

Fits the description perfectly.

Guys bopping innocent women on the street and making lewd and lascivious

propositions. Not a creep. A real sickie. Listen, everybody, everybody,

wonderful idea. While we're waiting, let's have a musical entertainment by

Gravenstein. Walter Taylor.

Walter fell in love with him one day when he heard him whittle.

Apparently, he's the only whittler who doesn't need to pucker.

Of course, I haven't heard him myself. Perhaps you'd like to write him up in

your column.

I'd be delighted.

Now, what was the name?

Gravenstein. Like the apple?

Gravenstein.

All right.

Your musical virtuoso, Elmer Gravenstein.

he did in front of those two innocent ladies.

Let's bust him.

moment of my life. All right, you men, line up for that special toast.

Oh, by the way, Walter, this is Hazel M. Hathaway from the Tuckahoe Trib.

No, you're not the Hazel M. Hathaway who writes tales from your Tuckahoe

tattler. Guilty.

Okay, we are ready.

Wait till you see the special treat your friends have prepared to toast your

birthday.

Walter Finley, a friend who's like a brother. Oh, thanks, Arthur.

Walter Finley, old friends are the best.

Oh, Harry, you old son of a grease gun.

Walter Finley, who proves that nice guys can finish first.

Walter Finley, you're under arrest.

accosted two women on Main Street, exposed yourself, and made indecent

suggestions.

Way to go, Walter!

We identified you from your picture in the shopping news. You're charged with

lewd and lascivious conduct.

Lewd and lascivious? My Walter!

Oh, officers, I assure you, he never acts that way. Except in the privacy of

bedroom. And even then...

you understand your rights. Oh, you monkeys are beautiful.

Hey, look at this.

Look at this, everybody.

More toy cuffs.

They're real cuffs.

You're not serious.

We're serious.

Oh, now, look, if this is your idea of a joke, I'm... Lewd and lascivious? My

Walter? Well, that's a charge.

This has got to be a mistake.

Lord, if even a hint of this gets out, I'll be ruined. We'll straighten it all

out. Listen, we'll be right back. Carol, you take care of our guests.

I mean, this is ridiculous. We'll get to the bottom of this. Walter, no one will

even know the police have been here.

Floyd.

Hazel. Hold the front page. I'm at the Finley party. Her cheese puffs are

nothing. And her husband's a pervert.

Look, Sergeant, I'm innocent.

I wasn't anywhere near those two ladies at 5 .30 this afternoon.

Then where were you?

Your employees say you weren't at your store.

That's right, Walter. Why don't you clear it up once and for all, tell the

officer where you were.

Well, I was, uh...

I was, uh... You went to your public speaking class?

I took off early to go to... I went to a film retrospective.

What's a film retrospective?

You know, it's where they show classic films by some of the immortal artists.

You know, Dietrich, Garbo, Barrymore, Van Johnson.

Walter, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Tell the officer.

Well, actually, it was a Donald Duck festival.

A

Donald

Duck festival?

You went to a Donald Duck festival? Walter, that has to be the most Mickey

thing you've ever done.

I see.

A Donald Duck Festival.

Did you see anybody at this alleged Donald Duck Festival who might remember

I don't know. Maybe.

Oh, for God's sake, Walter. Now think!

Think! Oh, yes.

Yes. I had a fight with an eight -year -old kid over the last box of Jujubees.

All right, folks. Just take a seat. We have to wait for the plaintiffs.

But I want to go home. It's my birthday.

Sit down.

experience of my life.

Mrs. Hathaway, stop writing.

The minute those women get here, Walter will be cleared.

You're just wasting your bick.

Walter, I don't see how they can bring these charges against you.

Were you anywhere near Elm Street today?

Of course. My store is on Elm Street.

What are you getting at, Arthur?

Oh, nothing. Just wondering.

You see that, Mort?

You see what a charge like this can do?

Even my best friend is beginning to have doubts. Oh, come on. Now, Walter Arthur

isn't doubting you.

Of course not, Walter.

Um, Walter, is it possible that when you left the store, you forgot to zip

up? I mean, sometimes you are... You do that too, Arthur?

Vivian! Walter's the pervert here, not me.

Accused. Accused.

Pervert.

Nothing personal, Walter.

That's him. He's the one. That's the man. That's the one right there. What

you talking about? I never saw you before in my life. Oh, he's the one all

right. First he pinched me and then he, you know.

And then he asked me to dump Clara here as if I ever would and go to a motel

with him.

Lady, you're wrong.

I'm no weirdo.

I spent the whole afternoon at a Donald Duck festival.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a deadline to meet. No, wait a minute.

Hathaway, you are not going to print that. I'm warning you. Don't yell at me.

This probably never would have happened if you'd given him what he needed at

home.

I will go to your editor. I will go to your publisher.

You go ahead.

They're both the same man. Floyd Hathaway, my husband.

ladies ready to file a complaint?

Absolutely. Yes. All right, this way.

Animal.

All right, step over here, Finley. We need some fingerprints.

Fingerprints? Mort, call Barney. I need a lawyer.

Arthur.

Arthur's not really guilty, is he?

Well, I certainly hope not, Vivian. An awful lot of people know I'm his best

friend.

Who do I give this affidavit to, Sergeant?

Inside.

Hey, Walter?

Hi, Fred.

Walter, old buddy.

What brings you here?

Oh, some kids broke into my store, stole some baseball gloves.

Why are they taking your fingerprints, Walter?

They picked me up for jaywalking.

They take your fingerprints for jaywalking?

Walter, Barney is on his way over. He thinks you ought to sue for false

For jaywalking?

Oh, Fred, thank heaven you're here. They've arrested Walter because of some

ridiculous mix -up.

What?

Listen, Sergeant, Walter Findley is one of the finest citizens in Tuckahoe. He's

also one of my closest personal friends. Now, what's this phony charge?

Two hysterical women claim that Walter exposed himself to them on Elm Street.

In there?

You see that, Maud?

I'll never be able to show my face in public again.

Maud, that story in the paper will kill me. Honey, honey, I will take care of

it. I'll get them to delay the story until we can find that kid who ripped

that box of juju beans.

Maud!

Just one thing.

You know I'm innocent, don't you?

Oh, Walter.

Walter, you silly Billy.

I know you. I know what kind of man you are.

Walter, I know you couldn't in a million years dream up an alibi as dumb as a

Donald Duck festival.

No, no, no. I'm sorry, Mrs. Finley. Please, Mr. Hathaway. I mean, delay the

story. Just for a... couple of hours until we can find that kid who can prove

that Walter was at the theater. Please, I beg of you, Mr. Hathaway.

I'm a reasonable man, Mrs. Findlay. I understand your concern.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Eddie, you know that story on the front page with the headline, Walter Findlay

arrested on sex charge?

Yeah. Well, change it to Walter Finley denies he's a pervert.

That's worse!

That's like saying that President Ford is learning how to get off an airplane

without falling on his face.

Mrs. Finley, where did you get that information? That's not important.

Mrs. Finley, two witnesses have positively identified your husband.

You'd better wake up and smell the coffee.

The public has a right to know what goes on in the streets of this community.

We believe in the First Amendment.

And the Ten Commandments. Look, I believe in the First Amendment and

the commandments.

I assure you, my husband has never done anything wrong in the streets. Well,

maybe once. It was after a snowstorm. Aha.

Behind a building. I was standing guard. It was an emergency.

All right, Mrs. Spender.

All right.

Please, you cannot prevent... That story, what if you print it and then

is proven innocent?

Well, I'll print that, too. Oh, sure.

You'll bury it someplace where no one will read it. Like in your wife's

Mrs. Finley, I understand your position, but as publisher of the Tuckahoe

Tribune, I hold a sacred trust.

The precious right of our readers to know the truth.

We print what we know, fearlessly.

In spite of any threats or intimidations. Yes, we have our

Findley, and no power on earth can cause us to swerve from our devotion to the

truth. So don't think you can come in here and influence us just because your

husband happens to be a big advertiser.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean her husband's a big advertiser? He owns Findley's Friendly

Appliances.

You mean this Walter Findley is friendly Wally Findley?

Why, he's one of our biggest advertisers.

Floyd, what does that have to do with it? What about our sacred principles?

What about the public's precious right to know?

Hazel, you know I'd never betray our principles.

I'm not killing this story because Walter Findley is a major advertiser.

strictly a news judgment.

I need room for the story on the Rotarian's pancake breakfast tomorrow

in the J .C. Penney parking lot.

The public has a precious right to know about that, too, you know. Lloyd, what

are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Selling out.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr.

Hathaway. Lloyd, don't you realize that this story could put me right.

Why don't you just stick to reprinting the dip recipes from the back of the

Frito bags?

Eddie, kill that Finley story.

Yes, the whole thing. Kill it. Oh, thank you, Mr.

Hathaway. Thank you, thank you, thank you. All right, Mrs. Finley.

Maybe we can't say anything about your husband, but you're going to regret this

because tomorrow morning I am going to run the most vicious, scathing, ruthless

piece I've ever written. I am going to crucify your abominable pigs in a

blanket.

Good, I got the recipe from your column.

I'm not making this up.

In the Floss cartoon, Goofy took away the ladder while Donald was throwing off

the branch when suddenly he looked down... Walter, please, we believe you.

Vivian, quiet, please.

All right, Walter.

Now, he was up to three. What happened?

it for yourself.

Oh, sure, and wind up a convict like you.

Oh, thank heaven.

At least they are not going to print that, George.

Oh, well. Oh, you're right, Sarge.

They ought to hang you and throw away the key.

Look what the boys picked up, Sarge.

Indecent exposure on the corner of 4th and L.

this is our man.

Oh, Mr. Finley, I'm so sorry.

Twice in one day, kind of pushing your luck, ain't you, fella? It's fun.

Well, Walter, at least you can see how they made the mistake.

I look like that.

Yes, Walter, you're just going to have to face these things.

Oh, but sweetheart, honey, it turned out to be a happy birthday after all.

Happy birthday, Walter.

Happy birthday, Walter.

Walter,

you shouldn't do that in a police station.

I didn't touch you.

Don't you ever try that again.

And as a word of advice, trim your nails.

Stations are still intact.

Step over here, ladies. We've got to go through this again.

Phil. Yeah, yeah, I'm still down at the police station. Listen.

You'll never guess what Walter Findley just bought his way out of.

Ta -da!

Watch two weeks from tonight when Maude launches her own candidate for

president.

Are you ready, folks?

Bring it in, boys.

Our official campaign poster.

HFP.

Henry Fonda for president.

Martin was taped in Hollywood before a live audience.