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Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.
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She didn't care if the whole world
looked.
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Joan of Arc was the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.
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Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?
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Oh, yeah.
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The country was falling apart.
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Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.
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And then there's more.
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And then there's Maud.
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And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then
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there's Maud. And then there's Maud.
That uncompromising, enterprising,
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but tranquilizing. Happy holiday.
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Happy holiday.
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00:00:54,450 --> 00:00:59,150
Oh, Walter, this is the best second
honeymoon I ever had.
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And better than two of my first
honeymoons.
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And it's not over yet, Mort.
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The night is young in your soul. Please,
Walter, don't spoil it.
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Don't think, Mort, we got the rest of
the night all to ourselves.
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Nobody's home but you and me.
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Just you and me.
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And me.
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Mrs. Nogatuck, I thought you were next
door helping Vivian out with her party.
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The party's over.
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It's only 11 .30.
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Another one of Vivian's dull affairs.
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It was rather like one of those
progressive parties.
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As the evening wore on, it got
progressively duller.
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00:01:44,430 --> 00:01:47,130
Well, looks like our party's over, too.
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Uh, Mrs. Nogatuck, I don't think we'll
be needing you anymore this evening, so
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00:01:52,970 --> 00:01:54,490
why don't you go out on the town?
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What? At midnight in Tuckahoe?
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00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:58,980
Oh, come on.
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00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:03,740
Tell me, Mrs. Nogatuck, is Carol back
from the party, too? No, she went with
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00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:04,940
date to get some coffee.
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00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:09,259
You see, some places are still open in
Tuckahoe. They had to go to Yonkers.
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00:02:10,580 --> 00:02:13,420
That's right, Walter. Yonkers swings
like the pendulum do.
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00:02:15,380 --> 00:02:19,640
Mum, there's something I think you
should know.
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00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:23,500
Mum, you remember that...
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00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,420
Punchbowl, you loathe the hormones.
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00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,600
Well, of course I do.
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00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,860
Well, it got chipped at the party.
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Chipped?
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My priceless, Waterford, antique,
crystal punchbowl that's been in my
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generations, how chipped?
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Well, ma 'am... How chipped?
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How chipped?
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00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:48,620
How chipped?
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00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:50,280
Well... How chipped?
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00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,460
When I was a little girl, I broke my
mama doll.
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00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,300
It used to go, mama, mama.
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00:03:54,260 --> 00:03:58,120
One day I dropped it. The head broke
into a million pieces.
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No more mama, mama.
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00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:09,020
I cried for three days and three nights.
And when I was all cried out, my
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mother, who was very wise, took me and
put me on her knee. And she said, Maude.
55
00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:19,440
You know, a doll is only a possession,
and possessions are meaningless.
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00:04:19,940 --> 00:04:21,180
And you know something?
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00:04:21,459 --> 00:04:22,840
My mother was wrong.
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00:04:55,790 --> 00:04:58,210
A scuffle, hear a crash, and not know
exactly how it happened.
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00:04:59,210 --> 00:05:03,570
Were you at the party, Mum? Well, you
know I wasn't. Well, then I heard
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00:05:03,810 --> 00:05:07,850
saw a scuffle, heard a crash. Mum! Mum!
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00:05:08,110 --> 00:05:09,550
Mum! Mum!
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00:05:13,410 --> 00:05:15,050
Maud, Maud, Maud, be calm.
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00:05:15,810 --> 00:05:18,810
Remember, Maud, this is our second
honeymoon.
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00:05:19,090 --> 00:05:20,090
Oh, shut up, you sex maniac.
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00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:32,720
King's men.
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00:05:32,980 --> 00:05:37,020
Can't put back your antique Waterford
crystal punch bowl to go.
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00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,520
Oh, thank you, Walter.
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00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:40,940
That's sweet.
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If my bowl wasn't broken, I'd throw up
in it.
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00:05:46,860 --> 00:05:49,440
Thank the Lord for small mercies.
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00:05:51,540 --> 00:05:52,620
Come on, honey.
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00:05:53,180 --> 00:05:54,180
Maud, look at me.
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00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:56,180
Sweetheart,
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00:05:56,440 --> 00:06:00,240
first thing tomorrow we'll go out and
get another one, I promise. And who
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00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:01,920
You may even like it better.
76
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:03,640
Oh, thank you, darling.
77
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:09,180
And I'm sorry I threw that silly
tantrum. I mean, this is our second
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00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:12,880
Let's go upstairs.
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00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,500
Good night, Mrs. Norris.
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00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,040
See you in the morning.
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00:06:26,990 --> 00:06:30,190
who should be spending the night here
after your shameful behavior. Oh, pooey.
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00:06:30,230 --> 00:06:31,310
Now listen, baby. Oh, poo.
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00:06:31,650 --> 00:06:34,230
I've told you 50 times, nothing
happened.
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00:06:34,490 --> 00:06:35,089
Good evening.
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Shut up.
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00:06:37,790 --> 00:06:40,970
That's right, Walter. Be quiet. This
really sounds juicy. Go ahead.
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00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,470
Well, Arthur's an old fogey.
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00:06:45,790 --> 00:06:47,850
The wife is always the last to know.
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00:06:49,270 --> 00:06:52,490
You don't think Molly's going to let you
stay here, do you, when she finds out
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00:06:52,490 --> 00:06:53,810
that you broke her punch bowl?
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00:07:06,410 --> 00:07:07,410
Go ahead, Mrs. Naugatuck.
92
00:07:07,650 --> 00:07:08,650
Tell them everything.
93
00:07:09,090 --> 00:07:12,910
All about my wife's shocking behavior
and how the punch bowl got broken.
94
00:07:13,250 --> 00:07:15,830
Well, I'm not quite sure how that
happened.
95
00:07:16,230 --> 00:07:19,510
Well, I am, and I'm going to tell it.
No, you are not, because you will tell
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00:07:19,510 --> 00:07:21,350
all wrong. I am going to tell it.
Vivian!
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00:07:21,710 --> 00:07:23,810
I am going to tell the truth and nothing
but the truth.
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00:07:24,530 --> 00:07:25,830
And I'm going to tell it first.
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00:07:26,330 --> 00:07:30,650
Now, Vivian spent the entire night
acting shamelessly.
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00:07:30,910 --> 00:07:34,470
All because of some moose of a hockey
player that Carol brought to the party
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00:07:34,470 --> 00:07:35,470
her date.
102
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:39,840
Now, there was some stupid argument
going on about women in sports, but
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00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:43,280
was so busy making cow eyes at the
hockey player, she didn't even bother to
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00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,280
goodnight to the guests.
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00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,680
It was positively embarrassing.
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00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:57,100
What about, uh, Billie Jean King or, uh,
Chris Everett or Babe Dedrickson? Now,
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00:07:57,140 --> 00:07:59,720
now, those are all exceptions to the
rule. Goodnight.
108
00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:01,660
Goodnight, all.
109
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:06,240
Oh, Doctor, would you mind very much if
I asked you to see me to my door?
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00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,900
I'm exhausted. I want to retire.
111
00:08:09,180 --> 00:08:09,899
Of course.
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00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:13,240
All the guests will be gone in a moment,
and then it'll be my pleasure.
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00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:19,420
By the way, Doctor, it looks as if your
wife is undressing that handsome hockey
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00:08:19,420 --> 00:08:20,800
player with her eyes.
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00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,280
That's all right, Mrs. Nogatuck. Don't
worry.
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00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,060
She's not doing it with her hands.
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00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:35,059
I'm sorry you have to leave so early.
Oh, buddy, we really got to fly. Can't
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00:08:35,059 --> 00:08:36,580
stay a little longer? We really do.
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00:08:37,820 --> 00:08:40,760
I mean, we really do have to fly.
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00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,360
Oh. Good night.
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00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:47,500
Well, Carol, I'm just saying that women
can't possibly compete with men in
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contact sports simply because of the
male physical superiority.
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00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:53,359
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
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00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:54,600
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
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00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,220
Do you care to prove it?
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00:09:02,170 --> 00:09:03,670
I'll count to three.
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00:09:04,690 --> 00:09:11,450
I don't believe this. It's like watching
an X -rated Sesame Street.
128
00:09:12,850 --> 00:09:18,310
I said, do you care to Peru it?
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00:09:27,910 --> 00:09:33,690
There is one contact sport that women
are as good at, if not better, than men.
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00:09:34,230 --> 00:09:36,930
And I don't mean tiddlywinks.
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00:09:38,030 --> 00:09:39,030
Wow.
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00:09:39,650 --> 00:09:41,850
Now, put me down.
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00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:43,790
Slowly.
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00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:02,840
My sweet pet.
135
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:07,680
If it's brute strength that appeals to
you, get a load of these apples.
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00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,120
Hunk of man.
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00:10:39,060 --> 00:10:40,100
Coming with me?
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00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:49,420
You can help me scrape off my dirty
dishes.
139
00:10:54,860 --> 00:10:57,980
Arthur, are you just going to stand
there and let him scrape off her Melmac?
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00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:00,920
Oh, Arthur.
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00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,260
Oh, poor, sweet, dear...
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00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:06,800
Thank you, Carol.
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00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:08,380
I appreciate your support.
144
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:14,440
Oh, Doctor, I'm so sorry. But in my
book, you're still king of the house.
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00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:20,400
Arthur. And if I were you, Your Majesty,
I'd go right in there and stop the
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00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:23,200
queen before she becomes a queen mother.
147
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:28,920
Don't you want to kiss me?
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00:11:29,180 --> 00:11:32,560
Oh, yes, I want to kiss you, but what
about your husband?
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00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:34,400
You can kiss him later.
150
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,230
Don't waste time laughing.
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00:11:40,370 --> 00:11:41,370
Mrs.
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00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:46,770
Nogatuck, I've got to do the manly
thing. Oh, please, Dr.
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00:11:46,970 --> 00:11:49,490
Harmon. Arthur, I'm being attacked.
154
00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:50,750
Or vice versa.
155
00:11:50,990 --> 00:11:52,630
Now, look, Arthur, sir.
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00:11:53,090 --> 00:11:55,090
You see here the hands of a surgeon.
157
00:11:55,870 --> 00:11:57,770
It would be tragic if they should be
damaged.
158
00:11:58,430 --> 00:11:59,430
But what the heck?
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00:11:59,770 --> 00:12:00,770
Sorry, Carol.
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00:12:15,020 --> 00:12:18,840
Now then, Mrs. Nogatuck, is that or is
that not the way it happened? Exactly.
161
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,200
It's the God's honest truth.
162
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:22,640
Oh, it is not.
163
00:12:23,020 --> 00:12:26,340
Mrs. Nogatuck, how can you agree with
him when you know he's lying?
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00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:27,660
Me? Lie?
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00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:29,360
Vivian, I'm a doctor.
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00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:36,700
Don't look at me. You all know my
reputation for veracity.
167
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,640
And every time you tell the truth, you
ruin your reputation.
168
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,340
Can't we sleep on it? I know what you're
thinking, Walter, and the answer is no.
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00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:56,460
Now, Vivian, that bowl has been in my
family for over 80 years. Now it is
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00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:00,360
thanks to you and that mad fling you had
with that raunchy hockey player.
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00:13:00,740 --> 00:13:02,620
Oh, Maude, please listen to me.
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00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:06,400
Do you want to know what really happened
at the party? I mean, what really,
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00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:09,760
really, really... Well, why else would I
be sitting here when I could be
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00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,700
upstairs having the time of Walter's
life?
175
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:16,800
Now, tell your story.
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00:13:23,660 --> 00:13:27,540
Now, Maude, I'm going to tell you what
really happened at the party. I have
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00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,280
told her. Yes, but you lied.
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00:13:29,540 --> 00:13:34,440
I'm going to tell the truth. Now, Maude,
I can't help it if men find me so
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00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:35,840
attractive at these parties.
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00:13:36,670 --> 00:13:41,890
particularly Carol's date, but it just
drives Arthur insane with jealousy, and
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00:13:41,890 --> 00:13:43,050
that makes him terribly nasty.
182
00:13:43,530 --> 00:13:48,030
Well, so there I was trying to be a good
hostess by conversing with our
183
00:13:48,030 --> 00:13:52,790
remaining guests while Arthur was
barking goodnight to those who were
184
00:13:56,270 --> 00:14:00,810
What about Billie Jean King or Chris
Everett? Well, what about Maeve
185
00:14:01,770 --> 00:14:02,870
Isn't she cute?
186
00:14:03,450 --> 00:14:06,130
Don't you know those are exceptions to
the rule? Good night.
187
00:14:06,370 --> 00:14:07,370
Good night!
188
00:14:07,570 --> 00:14:09,030
And good riddance to bad rubbish.
189
00:14:10,330 --> 00:14:12,810
Oh, Dr. Harmon. What the hell do you
want, Nogatuck?
190
00:14:14,490 --> 00:14:19,970
Well, if you don't have that attitude,
you better just see me to my door,
191
00:14:19,970 --> 00:14:20,970
you?
192
00:14:26,570 --> 00:14:28,490
that's undressing your wife with his
eyes.
193
00:14:28,710 --> 00:14:31,250
I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
She's only trying to make me jealous.
194
00:14:32,570 --> 00:14:34,350
Doctor, we've really got to fly.
195
00:14:35,550 --> 00:14:37,150
Well, then fly, you old buzzard.
196
00:14:38,890 --> 00:14:39,890
Good night.
197
00:14:44,930 --> 00:14:45,930
Oh,
198
00:14:48,570 --> 00:14:53,090
come on. Women can't possibly compete
with men in a contact sport simply
199
00:14:53,090 --> 00:14:55,290
of the male physical.
200
00:14:56,220 --> 00:15:00,120
Oh, yeah, prove it. I thought you'd
never ask.
201
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,040
I don't believe it. What is this, Jock
and Jill?
202
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:11,020
I'd just like to see him try.
203
00:15:11,980 --> 00:15:12,980
Okay.
204
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:14,880
Hey,
205
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:19,400
there is one contact sport that women
are as good at, if not better, than men.
206
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,520
And I don't mean tiddlywinks.
207
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:23,400
Bingo.
208
00:15:29,070 --> 00:15:30,070
This is too much.
209
00:15:30,690 --> 00:15:32,510
Well, if Vivian will allow that.
210
00:15:33,290 --> 00:15:34,290
Get a load of these apples.
211
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:41,730
Your apples must have put on weight.
212
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,420
I get more support from my suppos.
213
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,860
And you claim to be king of the
household.
214
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:19,260
Well, if you won't save your queen from
that puck chaser, I will.
215
00:16:22,020 --> 00:16:24,200
Oh, you don't want to kiss me.
216
00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:25,420
Oh, don't I?
217
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:27,740
Why are you laughing like that?
218
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,450
I think he beats you to it.
219
00:16:41,850 --> 00:16:43,210
Arthur, I'm being attacked.
220
00:16:43,930 --> 00:16:44,930
Or vice versa.
221
00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:46,310
Now look, Arthur.
222
00:16:46,970 --> 00:16:48,710
You see here the hands of a surgeon.
223
00:16:49,210 --> 00:16:51,330
It would be tragic if they should be
damaged.
224
00:16:51,650 --> 00:16:52,650
But what the hell?
225
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:53,750
I don't care.
226
00:16:53,870 --> 00:16:54,869
I don't care.
227
00:16:54,870 --> 00:16:56,050
I don't care what happens.
228
00:17:07,849 --> 00:17:09,510
And that's exactly the way it happened.
229
00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:11,609
Isn't it, Mrs. Nogatuck?
230
00:17:11,890 --> 00:17:15,069
Exactly. That's the God's honest truth.
231
00:17:17,450 --> 00:17:18,690
This is an outrage.
232
00:17:20,329 --> 00:17:22,290
Mrs. Nogatuck, she's lying and you know
it.
233
00:17:22,829 --> 00:17:23,829
Exactly.
234
00:17:24,910 --> 00:17:26,609
That's the God's honest truth.
235
00:17:27,430 --> 00:17:30,370
I don't understand this. First you say
you don't remember.
236
00:17:30,630 --> 00:17:34,130
Then you say Arthur is right. Now you
say Vivian is right. How could that
237
00:17:34,130 --> 00:17:36,490
possibly be? I'll tell it like it is.
238
00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:39,530
Mrs. Naugatuck, you know what you're
full of?
239
00:17:39,870 --> 00:17:41,210
What? Contradictions.
240
00:17:42,970 --> 00:17:44,570
Enough to cover our lawn.
241
00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:55,410
Now, look, we're not getting anywhere,
so why can't we all sleep on it? Will
242
00:17:55,410 --> 00:17:56,590
get your mind out of the gutter?
243
00:18:00,810 --> 00:18:04,670
Tell us, Mrs. Naugatuck. You stick to
your story. You tell us the truth. But
244
00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:05,670
aren't...
245
00:18:17,550 --> 00:18:19,630
Well, there's no use in going on all
night about this. It was just one of
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00:18:19,630 --> 00:18:22,450
things. Right, Lambchop? Right, right.
We just may as well go on.
247
00:18:23,330 --> 00:18:26,170
Excuse me, I'm very tired. Hold it!
248
00:18:26,910 --> 00:18:29,570
The first one who moves has to take me
on first.
249
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:32,090
Not you, Walter.
250
00:18:36,630 --> 00:18:41,950
Now, no one is going to leave until I
find out exactly who broke my punch
251
00:18:42,410 --> 00:18:45,430
Now, Carol, tell us, what did happen at
Vivian's house tonight? Oh, but we don't
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00:18:45,430 --> 00:18:46,349
want to... We don't want to react.
253
00:18:46,350 --> 00:18:47,350
Quiet!
254
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:57,039
And Mrs.
255
00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:00,380
Nogatuck was your punch bowl, or what
was in it.
256
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:05,360
Jim and I were discussing women in
sports, and, uh, Arthur was saying
257
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:06,359
to the guests.
258
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:09,940
And believe me, our three little friends
here were feeling no pain.
259
00:19:11,740 --> 00:19:13,580
Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
260
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:21,200
What about... What about Billie Jean
King or Chris... Oh, oh, Babe
261
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:24,000
Dedrickson. Now, now, those are all
exceptions to the rule. Oh, Jim.
262
00:19:25,110 --> 00:19:26,110
Good night, folksy!
263
00:19:54,830 --> 00:19:56,330
I'll go and join them.
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00:19:58,550 --> 00:20:01,870
Oh, do you really have to go so early?
We have to.
265
00:20:02,110 --> 00:20:03,110
Arthur. Huh?
266
00:20:03,430 --> 00:20:04,430
You're fly.
267
00:20:04,650 --> 00:20:05,650
What?
268
00:20:18,990 --> 00:20:22,970
possibly compete with men in contact
sports simply because of their the male
269
00:20:22,970 --> 00:20:26,430
physical superiority i bet you're afraid
to prove it curly locks
270
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:09,760
In the dark alley.
271
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,520
If he ignores you.
272
00:22:09,230 --> 00:22:10,230
I appreciate your support.
273
00:22:12,570 --> 00:22:18,230
I think I'll go and see how Queen Vivian
is getting on with King Kong.
274
00:22:22,570 --> 00:22:24,090
Don't you want to kiss me?
275
00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:26,470
Oh, come on now, Mrs. Arman, you're
loaded.
276
00:22:26,690 --> 00:22:27,890
I'm not going to kiss you.
277
00:22:28,190 --> 00:22:32,290
Oh, don't laugh at me. No!
278
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:53,700
think it was vice versa now look arthur
you see here the hands of a surgeon it
279
00:22:53,700 --> 00:22:57,100
would be tragic if they should be
damaged now arthur i think there's
280
00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:58,100
it's okay fella
281
00:23:38,030 --> 00:23:39,030
all be ashamed of yourselves.
282
00:23:39,490 --> 00:23:43,030
Arthur lies because he thinks it's a
crime for a man to be afraid.
283
00:23:43,430 --> 00:23:47,390
Vivian lies because she feels it's a
disgrace for a woman to be rejected.
284
00:23:47,730 --> 00:23:52,030
And Mrs. Naugatuck lies because of a
little strange quirk in her personality.
285
00:23:52,030 --> 00:23:53,250
She always lies.
286
00:23:56,150 --> 00:23:58,630
And that's the God's only strength.
287
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:07,290
Well, there's no use crying over my
punch bowl. It's gone.
288
00:24:08,940 --> 00:24:11,680
We might just as well forget about it. I
forgive you.
289
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:13,800
Oh, I'm for that.
290
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,380
Oh, thank you, Marty. You really are a
great lady.
291
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,520
Oh, you're big, Maude, really big.
292
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:20,340
I prefer great.
293
00:24:23,900 --> 00:24:28,140
Maude, I've got to hand it to you. You
really are a terrific person, forgiving
294
00:24:28,140 --> 00:24:29,600
everyone. Everyone but you.
295
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:34,380
Me? It's all your fault. If it hadn't
been for you and your lust.
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00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:38,460
I wouldn't have spent the weekend locked
up in that sleazy motel room on the
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00:24:38,460 --> 00:24:39,460
outskirts of town.
298
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:43,700
I would have been over at Vivian's house
looking out for my priceless Waterford
299
00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:47,280
antique crystal punch bowl that has been
in my family for generations.
300
00:25:21,550 --> 00:25:24,610
Maud was taped in Hollywood before a
live audience.
23927
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