Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And Betsy Ross.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

Don, we now are gay apparel.

Fa la la la la la la.

The ancient Yuletide carol. Fa la la la la.

Fa la la la la.

Fa la la la la.

me it's christmas eve and i turn into america's number one sentimental slob i

don't know though honey this year seems to be the best of all you know i woke up

this morning and for the first time in my life actually remembered all the

to the 12 days of christmas including six geese allaying five golden rings

i've always had this mental block about because it seemed like such a painful

thing and then when we turned on the outdoor lights and i only blew the

fuse twice i said to myself this is it this is christmas well i guess it

hurt having your old friend stephanie here either does it oh carol honey

a miracle do you know that i haven't seen stephanie since graduation day at

school which was 33 years ago all of a sudden she's good at arithmetic you

know i remember when stephanie's book first came out i mean it really helped

start the whole feminist movement Honey, it was the title that was so

provocative. Women, get out from under.

And, of course, all the work she's done for equal job opportunities, children's

daycare centers, you name it. Let's face it, when you think of women's lib, you

think of Gloria Steinem, Germaine Greer, and Stephanie Fisher. And let's not

forget Lady Godiva.

The world's greatest gambler. She put everything she had on a horse.

Did you just take a bath?

Why? Is there one missing?

Waiter, what looks good in the kitchen?

The chef.

He just got a haircut.

Those are three of the worst jokes I've ever heard.

Oh, honey, they were a big hit on Stunt Night at Springfield Hub.

came out in baggy pants with derby hats and red noses. Yeah, and we each carried

a little henway.

What's a henway?

Oh, about four pounds.

if it's tomorrow.

Oh, Stephanie.

Stephanie, where on earth did you find this?

Look, Carol, it's a picture of me when I was 16.

Oh, Mother.

Oh, when you were young, you were actually good -looking.

No, I won't. It's Christmas.

You know, Steph, I remember when this picture was taken.

I'm standing in front of Ned Zeichler's old Plymouth. Remember Ned Zeichler? Oh,

what a girl chaser he was.

Well, Stephanie, I guess there wasn't any woman's movement in those days, was

there? In the back of Ned Zeichler's Plymouth there was.

I can't tell you what a pleasure it

is spending Christmas Eve with Frick and Frack.

Walter. Walter, look at what Stephanie brought me.

Oh, that's terrific, Maud. Look at you. So healthy, so wholesome, and so fresh.

Stop, Walter. You're making me sound like a balanced breakfast.

Maud, here.

Taste this eggnog and see if it needs anything.

Stephanie, you're sticking around for my annual office party tonight, aren't

you? Well, I was going to work on my speech for the Westchester Women's

Association, but the party sounds like a lot more fun.

Good. It'll be a thrill for my employees to meet you. You're famous, Stephanie.

How's the eggnog, Mort? I think it needs a little less ammonia.

Not so good, huh?

Mrs. Nogatuck!

I need a little help with this eggnog, Mrs. Nogatuck.

You mean Ms.

Nogatuck.

Ms.

Nogatuck. Stephanie, sounds like you're making real inroads around here.

Ms. Nogatuck.

Tuckahoe's first liberated housekeeper. And that's another thing. I'm no longer

a housekeeper.

I'm a domestic maintenance engineer.

Whatever the hell that is.

On Monday, I am delighted by the sudden change in your attitude.

Oh, you shouldn't be surprised.

I've been very active in England.

with the suffragette movement. Were you really? Oh, yes.

Do you remember all those suffragettes in jail that went on that hunger strike?

Well, I had a little something to do with that.

You know, I never knew that.

Oh, yes.

I was the prison cook.

Philip! Come here, honey. I have a big surprise for you.

Stephanie Fisher, your grandmother's oldest friend. And honey, look what

Stephanie brought me.

This is a picture of your grandmother when she was 16 years old.

Wow, you were really foxy.

You hear that, Stephanie?

Foxy. And to think all Ned Zeixler called me was swell.

Phillip, you look as though you've been having fun.

Yeah, we were goofing around out there and we decided to build a snowman. Oh,

well, I hope you build a snowwoman right next to it.

A snowwoman?

There are men and women, so why not snowmen and snowwomen?

I don't think Ron's mom would like him to build snow bazooms.

Tomorrow morning, why don't you try to make a snow woman, okay?

And instead of my old hat and pipe, you can use one of Maud's old brassieres.

Oh, it never snows enough for that, Grandpa.

All right, you two. I know you think this is silly, but it's really very

important. I can show you a pamphlet I wrote about how the male images that we

present to children are often a subtle put -down of women. Excuse me. I'm going

to go sing carols with the guys now. Oh, of course. My grandson going caroling.

He and his young friends trudging through the snow from house to house,

angelic voices singing of the love that's in their hearts.

That is the true spirit of Christmas.

I bet we make at least 15 bucks.

Walter, here's that pamphlet. Now, I just want to read you one section.

you don't have to read any of that stuff to me. I'm a liberated man.

That's something I caught from being married to Maud. That's true, Steph.

You know, when Walter and I were first married, he was constantly lighting my

cigarettes and opening doors for me. As a matter of fact, most of our doors

still have cigarette burns on them.

Walter, I'm... I know your heart's in the right place, but some of those jokes

about snow women kind of make me cringe.

Nothing as stimulating as a good argument, is there, Maude?

Uh, Stephanie.

You won't be talking about women's problems at the party, will you? You

Steph, Walter is concerned because for most of his employees, women's

is allowing their wives to drive them home from a party after they've passed

in the front seat.

Don't worry.

I'm used to it. I'll do my best to bite my tongue.

Thanks, Steph. You're a good guy.

A good guy?

Walter? Oh, come on, stab.

You know what I mean. It's just an expression. Yes, of course it's an

perpetuating the male image. Someone who's reasonable and understanding.

It's part of the brainwashing.

You said I was the best of all possible things, a good guy, doing the manly

thing, being a man about it.

All right, you're not a good guy.

Oh, come on.

I didn't mean to get you upset. Oh, listen, everybody, come on. Let's finish

trimming the tree, okay?

Here, Stephanie, you hang this angel.

Doesn't seem to be of either sex.

Here, Walter, you can drape the string of cranberries over the tree, okay?

I didn't mean to raise my voice, Stephanie. I'm sorry. I respect your

Thank you, Walter.

Just that I...

Don't want you talking about all that women's lib jazz at the party. Jazz?

Walter, darling, women's equality is not jazz.

Stephanie, don't point your angel.

Stephanie, darling. Walter, don't jiggle your cranberries.

Tonight's not a soapbox. It's a Christmas party.

Well, what better place?

Don't you realize Jesus Christ was the first feminist? He taught the world that

love begins with equality.

My employees are coming here to have fun. It's Christmas, and there's no time

for a lot of talk about Jesus Christ and love.

Walter,

has anybody ever told you how ridiculous you are?

What?

As soon as the gang gets here, we're taking the tree and the punch down to

store, and I'll have the party there.

Tonight is Christmas Eve and it is the happiest Christmas Eve of my life

I'm full of love for you, Stephanie, and I'm full of love for you, Walter, and

if either of you takes a step toward that door, I'll rip your heart out.

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. Oh, shut up.

I have to watch my diet.

Maude. Oh, hi.

My husband says if I gain one more pound, he's going to trade me in on

woman. Renee, have you met my friend Stephanie Fisher?

No. Good.

Stephanie, remember your promise. We are going to have a quiet, joyous Christmas

Eve with no controversy.

Now, have an hors d 'oeuvre.

I don't see what I want.

Well, what would you like?

A bullet to bite on.

Steph, honey, once the guests leave, you and I will have a cup of coffee and

reminisce about old times, okay?

Mrs.

Naugatuck, another batch of eggnog?

Mr. Finlay mixed up this.

To my mind, it needs a smidgen more rum.

Well, here, pour in what it needs.

Mr. Naugatuck, if you can manage to control your Christmas Eve celebration

after the party, you'll find a little something extra in your stocking.

Besides your hollow leg.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Merry Christmas!

Everybody's here.

Hello, Carol.

You must meet the Harkins. Ignore him.

Stephanie Fisher. Oh!

My very best friend in the whole world.

Oh?

And this is Vivian Harmon, my other very best friend in the whole world. Oh,

hello. Maud's told me so much about you. Oh, boy. Women, we nearly didn't get

here. You know, if I didn't rush Vivian, she'd never get out of the house. Oh,

ha, ha, ho, ho.

You know what women are like when they're getting dressed for a party

late? They have no chance of time.

Arthur, why don't you go over to the punch bowl and bob for eggnog?

Okay.

Oh, Maude.

I guess this is what Christmas is all about. Getting together with your

friend.

This is a wonderful Christmas, isn't it?

Adorable.

Oh, Stephanie, it must be terrible for you being away from your husband on

Christmas Eve.

I'm just never away from Arthur.

Except, of course, when he goes off on his fishing trips. But, you know, that's

different. A man needs his outside activities.

Snap your garters over here and say hello to Walter.

Isn't he cute?

Well, excuse me, my lord and master called.

Female lackey. Oh, Stephanie, Vivian happens to be a wonderful, sweet person

is very happily married. And she has made great strides as a woman. Only last

week, Arthur let her pick out the scenic design for their new checkbook.

Oh, come on, Stephanie.

Why don't you come into the kitchen and give me a hand?

Why? Because I want to talk to you about your attitude.

Some place where there's silence, you know, and privacy, and knives.

Excuse me, Audrey Earle.

Tell me, would it bother you terribly if we turned on the radio to listen to

Billy Graham's Christmas message?

Sorry, Mrs. Finley, I was just...

Looking for the back door?

Why? Did she swallow it?

Come on, Earl. Let's look upstairs.

Yeah. Right.

Maud.

it that way, you couldn't have built a greater monument to all the indignities

that women have to endure.

Oh, come on. It's Christmas, Stephanie. I mean, can't you just relax for once?

Relax?

More... How the hell did we ever become friends?

Oh, now let's not go into that now.

Tis the season to be jolly.

Jolly, oh.

So far, this is the worst Christmas Eve I've ever had.

That's to be expected.

You know, you're three weeks older than I am, and Christmas belongs to the

young.

Maude, that was a rotten thing to do. Oh, come on, Stephanie. That was a joke.

I might add, one of my better jokes. I mean, if you had any sense of humor

left... Yeah, yeah, well, I still do have a sense of humor. Well, I'd like to

see more of it, because the way you've been acting...

I'm Eddie.

You know, your newspaper boy.

Yeah, I'm the guy who delivers your newspaper every morning. I hope you've

satisfied with my service.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, I'm in great shape from jogging up and down the block looking for my

paper.

Yeah, well, my aim can't be perfect every time, right?

Anyway, I was wondering if you had a little traditional Christmas envelope

me. Oh, well, of course. As a matter of fact, I left it just where you left my

paper.

Where's that?

Who knows? I looked for an hour, you looked for an hour.

Merry Christmas.

Young woman. Stop, will you lay off? Not this time, Lord. Young woman.

Don't you realize that those men are only using you for your body?

I figured it was something like that.

Dictionary. Dictionary. Now, somebody picks out a word that nobody's ever

of, and then everybody writes down what they think it means, and then we all

vote on what we think is the correct definition.

Isn't this fun?

Hey, I should be good at this. That's the way we make a diagnosis down at the

hospital.

Well, honey, you do the honors. I have to go upstairs.

It's Christmas, Bo.

big surprise for everyone.

Okay, everybody ready?

The word is hagiography.

Hagiography.

H -A -G -I -O -G -R -A -P -H -Y.

Hagiography. Okay, everybody got it?

Hagiography. What could it be?

I know.

A hagiography is a biography of my wife.

It'd be a naggiography.

Hey, you know what the title would be? Not this year, Arthur. I got a headache.

How can you insult women like that?

What? Come on, Stephanie, loosen up. It's Christmas.

Time for peace on Earth. Goodwill toward men.

Goodwill toward people.

Well, men's a generic term. It means men and women.

Uh -huh. You say goodwill toward men and you think men and women?

Certainly. Right. I think of all mankind.

That's what I mean. You see, language reflects the way we think. Well, what

about the rest of you? When you hear mankind, do you really think of men and

women, or do you just get a mental picture of men?

I always think of men.

I'm sure if I said the words rye crisp, you'd think of men.

of people and not one of you has the faintest idea of what I'm talking about.

Maud's the only one who understands.

Maud is the only one who conducts herself with the dignity that every

should aspire to.

How could you?

How could you come down here wearing that outfit?

Why? Did some other woman come to the party wearing the same?

I mean... Oh,

Lord.

Don't you see what you're doing? You're perpetuating the male myth.

Santa Claus is all goodness and kindness.

He's the big provider.

All women can do is receive.

Oh, come on now, Stephanie. We're talking about Santa Claus, somebody who

doesn't even exist.

Oh, Stephanie, this is trivia.

Maud? No.

Now, don't you realize what you're doing, Stephanie?

You're ruining my Christmas Eve party. You're ruining Walter's office party.

worst of all, and for this I'll never forgive you, you ruined my entrance in

Santa suit.

Why don't you two just quit it? Now, I'm all for women's rights, too, but can't

you just forget it until after the holidays?

No.

Party poop.

Well, that's what she is. She's a party poop.

Don't you dare applaud, especially you women.

Stephanie Fisher has done as much for women in this country as anyone else

alive.

She's on our side, even if she is a militant flake.

A militant flake? Quiet, Stephanie.

I mean, Stephanie Fisher is right.

Language is just the tip of the iceberg.

I mean, all Stephanie is working for is for our dignity and our future as women,

which we deserve. And if we put her down, who loses?

Who? We do.

If you don't believe me, wait until tomorrow when we're celebrating that

of holidays all across the country. We wives will be in the kitchen cooking and

stuffing and washing and wiping while our husbands are off in the living room

watching football and pouring beer down the sides of their faces.

Maude. That was wonderful.

Well, I meant it.

Maude.

Stephanie.

Stephanie.

Stephanie.

Stephanie. Maude.

Maude. Maude.

Well,

now that that's out of the way, do you think we can have a nice, quiet

Eve?

I'm sure of it.

I don't think I have any righteousness left in me.

You know something, Steph?

Deep down, you're really a good guy.

Everybody, let's drink.

was taped in Hollywood before a live audience.