All language subtitles for maude_s04e12_walter_s_ethics

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider, she
didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her,
she was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to, ain't
you glad she showed up. Oh yeah!

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's one rider.

Mrs. Nogatuck, the table looks lovely.
It does, doesn't it? And you look

too. I do, don't I?

But why are we making all this fuss
about dinner tonight?

Just because your guest's a millionaire?

Mrs. Naugatuck. Now, if Randolph Cutler
buys Walter's store to build a high

-rise, we'll be on Easy Street.

I mean, the fact that he's a millionaire
has nothing to do with it. Besides,

we've had millionaires in this house
before.

Who? Well, Joe the plumber.

Clyde the TV repairman.

And after tonight's dinner, Otto the
butcher.

What say we move...

the centerpiece over here.

I think you've gone bananas.

Excuse me, bananas.

Mrs. Nogatuck, you don't know Walter.

He is going to be so nervous about
everything going just right tonight that

won't be able to rest or relax until he
finds something wrong.

This way he'll come in and complain
about the centerpiece, pick it up, put

back in the center where it belongs, and
then he'll relax for the rest of the

evening. Oh, ma 'am, you should have
been a psychiatrist.

You know, I almost was, till I found out
they don't let you laugh at your

patients.

Maude, is everything ready?

They'll be here in 20 minutes.

Sweetheart, relax.

Everything's ready. No, something's
wrong. Something's wrong.

The centerpiece.

There.

Yes, that's much better.

You know, Walter, the way you arrange
flowers, if I were Japanese, I'd kick

right in the centerpiece.

That's going to be a total disaster.

I can feel it. A total disaster.

Sweetheart, relax.

Randolph Cutler is going to take one
look at how you position that

and he'll buy your store just like that.

Who do you know?

Speaking of bananas.

Oh, ma 'am, what about the wine?

Oh, yes. Now, let's see. With the fowl,
we should have a nice white burgundy.

Something elegant, yet understated.

Bold in its implications, yet amusing in
the glass.

I guess that lets out the day go red.

Mrs. Naugatuck, we do not use
expressions like that in this house.

The word dago is a slur to Italians.

Very well, ma 'am.

But at dinner tonight, what would you
like me to call the guinea hens?

Ooh, you're good china and you're good
silver.

You're really going all out this
evening.

Oh, I know, Carol.

This is Walter's...

Big chance to realize his lifelong
ambition to get out of the rat race,

economic security, never to worry again.

Ward. Ward.

Where's my maroon tie?

I can't find my maroon tie. I sent it to
the cleaners. The cleaners?

That was my good luck maroon tie. What
am I going to do without my good luck

maroon tie?

Relax, honey.

We're having beets for dinner. Just let
some of the juice dribble down your

throat.

is going to be a disaster.

Well, Mother, I can understand why
Walter's nervous.

I mean, after all, tonight one man will
decide the rest of his life for him.

Whether he'll have economic security or
not, whether he'll be able to retire or

not, whether he'll be on easy street
or... Stop. You sound like the coming

attractions for Beacon Hill.

Well, before I leave, I'll see if Mrs.
Nogatuck needs any help.

The world goes round, the world goes
round.

What? How do I look? You look wonderful,
darling. I see you found another good

luck tie.

No, I don't need a good luck tie. I'm
wearing my good luck shorts.

Everything's going to be all right. Of
course it is. Oh, listen, before they

here, what is Mrs.

Cutler's first name? Eloise. Eloise.

But as it turns out, his wife's not with
him on this trip, so she won't be here.

But, honey, when you called this
afternoon, you said there'd be four of

Well, he sort of has a date.

You see, at the store this afternoon,
Mr.

Cutler saw one of my employees in the
stockroom and thought she was very

stacked, nice, and asked me to fix him
up. I mean, to invite her to sort of

round off the party. I'm sorry, who,
sweetheart?

Um, Mamadry.

Who?

Audrey.

Audrey? Did you say Audrey?

Tawdry Audrey?

Now, wait a minute, Mort. So Mr. Cutler
thought she was very nice. What did he

do? Check her out with the boys in the
warehouse?

Mort, Audrey's a very sweet girl. Come
on now, Walter.

I remember perfectly well last year's
Christmas party in this very house.

Anytime any one of the men announced he
was leaving, Audrey ran upstairs, jumped

on our bed, and hid under his coat.

You know what? I don't know why you're
getting so excited. This is all

innocent. It's just a case of boy meets
girl.

Boy? Randolph Cutler is 56 years old.

55.

All right, boy.

But don't you forget that that boy has a
wife, six children, and nine

grandchildren. So there you are. It'll
take them all evening just to show her

his snapshots.

Walter, was it necessary to procure him
a girl in order to complete the sale?

Come on, Maud. Listen, I couldn't take
any chances. You know, it's a toss -up

whether he'll buy my property or the
corner at Main and Elm.

Well, look, Walter, if you have to
exploit Audrey in order to make this

you should just forget the whole thing.
Maud, what could I do?

I mean, when Mr. Cutler was in the
store, he went into the stock room and

Audrey, who was looking for a... Don't
tell me. A bun warmer.

Walter Randolph Cutler is a married man.

What's being married got to do with it?
Well, at least you could have let him

get his own girl.

Maud, he can't get his own girl. He's a
married man.

Look, Walter, I want you to call Audrey
and tell her I do not want her to come.

Oh, now, look, Maud, sweetheart, I don't
think you realize how much this deal

means to me.

With all my life insurance, I'm only
rich if I'm dead.

Alive, I'm nothing.

Walter, why are you speaking of dying?
You're only 52.

What are you worried about?

Let's face it, Lord. At my age, sickness
is just around the corner. If I don't

sell the business, I can't afford to get
sick. It's either die or nothing.

Walter, look at the dark side.

What if you don't die and you don't get
sick?

That's just a chance I'll have to take.

Come on.

I've been thinking about my Uncle Eddie.

He struggled for years to build a little
business and then one day, zap! A

gastric ulcer. And after tests and
operations and hospital bills, he was

penniless and he never worked again.

What are you talking about? Your Uncle
Eddie owns a condominium in Florida and

he goes to Europe every year. Only
because he was lucky enough to get a bad

doctor who botched the operation.

He won a big malpractice suit.

I might not get that lucky.

What you are doing with Audrey and
Cutler is pandering. Now, it's wrong and

know it, Walter. Oh, don't be so naive.

This kind of thing is not everyday in
business. That's not the business you

in. Oh, will you open your eyes?

All the big corporations are doing
exactly the same thing.

When the oil companies entertain one of
those Arab sheiks, what do you think

they do?

Take them down to an SO station and
watch the sign turn around?

Look, Walter, just because everybody
does it does not make it right.

Well, there's something that you don't
understand.

I mean, something that you are totally
unaware of.

Something that has never even crossed
your mind.

It's a jungle out there, Mort.

Can you try to understand?

I'm doing this for you.

If something should happen to me, I want
you to be taken care of. Okay, Walter.

Okay, you have Audrey over. You do
whatever you want, but I hate it.

And because of this, Walter, I hope you
stay as healthy as a horse for the rest

of your life.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Oh, well, no, no.

No, that's quite all right.

No, of course I understand.

Yes, I'll tell him, yes.

Oh, that was Audrey.

She can't make it. She suddenly
remembered she has a date with the

fire department.

Well,

Walter, as we used to say at Springfield
Elementary School...

Walter got stood up.

Now he's terrified at the prospect of
having to close this deal ethically.

Oh, Mort, what am I going to do?

Mr. Cutler expects to have dinner with
an attractive young girl.

I knew this evening would be a disaster.

My lucky tie is at the cleaners, and my
shorts aren't working.

Your shorts are working, Walter.

Huh? I'm here.

If it's that important to you, I'll stay
for dinner. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I

am not letting Walter throw my daughter
at that wolf. Now, Mother, if this is

the most important thing in the world to
Walter, it's important to me, too.

Don't worry. I can take care of Mr.

Cutler. I'll just bat my eyes at him and
laugh at his jokes, and after dessert,

we'll send him home happy. Sure, Maude.
What could happen? I mean, after all,

Carol is not Audrey.

Well, that's true. Carol is not Audrey.

Are you, dear?

There he is.

Mr. Cutler, how nice to see you. Hello,
Walter, and it's Randolph. Randolph.

Mr. Cutler, I am Maude Findlay. It's a
pleasure to meet you. The pleasure's all

mine, and please call me Randolph.

Randolph.

Well, who's this?

Oh, uh, Randolph, uh, unfortunately...

Audrey wasn't able to make it this
evening, so this is your new dinner

our daughter, Carol.

Hello, Randolph.

Please, call me Randy.

nervous that he forgot to unbuckle his
seatbelt.

Later, he walked into the office with
his Volkswagen strapped around his

Have you heard about that new method of
getting instant energy?

Instant energy?

It's called acupressure.

Carol, I think I better show you. Come
here.

First you put one thumb against this
shoulder blade, and then you put the

thumb against the other shoulder blade.

Well, if that's it, it isn't working.

Thumbs against shoulder blades don't do
much for me. No, no. It's shoulder

blades against thumbs. I'm the one
getting the energy.

Mort!

Mort, Randy's demonstrating a new
technique for transferring energy.

Actually, it's a very ancient Chinese
method of using the thumbs as

of health. It's called acupressure. Oh,
yes, I know. We used to call it

acucopophil.

all move into the living room.

Good idea. Come on, Carol. There's
something I'd like to ask you.

Will you stop it?

You're going to louse up this deal. All
right. All right, Walter. I won't say

another word all night. Not a peep out
of me. I will be completely silent.

Carol, do you ever hustle?

Hold it!

Hold it right there!

What did you say?

Maude, in my hotel, there's this
terrific little discotheque called the

of Guido. I thought that Carol and I
could go down there for a nightcap and a

quick hustle. It's a dance, Mother.

Do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do
-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do

-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do
-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do

-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do
-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do

-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do
-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do

-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -

Randy, I'm sure she'd love to go with
you, but it's much too soon after her

appendectomy. That was three years ago.

These young people today, always rushing
things.

Carol, help me in the kitchen with the
coffee.

No, no, no, Carol. You stay here. I'll
help with the coffee. Mort, you know me.

Mother's little helper.

Oh, uh, Randy, I understand that, uh,
you and your wife and your six children

and your nine grandchildren all belong
to the same church.

Why don't you tell Carol about it? More!

Mrs. Nogatuck, would you please put on
some coffee?

Oh, will you just relax? You're gonna
blow this whole deal.

This is the shabbiest trick I have ever
seen you pull, Walter. And that includes

fixing Vivian up with Arthur.

More, just lower your voice. I don't
want Mr. Cutler to know we're...

Arguing.

Using my daughter in this way, Walter,
you are immoral and unethical and...

Disgusting.

Just a minute, Maud.

You're making a big deal out of
something that is completely...

I mean, Carol's going to go out dancing
and have a couple of drinks and that's

all. A couple of drinks? She's already
had two drinks. Next thing... She'll be

on her way to his hotel room.

How can you say that?

How do you know where she'll be after a
couple of drinks? Because, Walter...

I have been there many times.

Excuse me, Mum. What is it?

Well, I was wondering if it'd be all
right if...

I feel it my duty as a British subject
to turn on my television every night at

this time and boo the Bicentennial
Minute.

All right, go ahead, go ahead.

And on your way past Cutler and Carroll,
throw a bucket of cold water on me.

Listen, Ward, I won't be called shabby.
This is not shabby. This is just

business. I've been in appliances for 25
years, and I stand on my record.

Maybe I've...

bent the rules a few times, but I have
never broken them. Never! I know,

I know. And whenever my friends talk
about their husbands, I can't tell you

pride I have in being able to say
without qualification that my Walter has

been totally unethical.

Oh, oh, oh, Randy, Randy, I'm so sorry
to interrupt, but you must hear this new

album Walter just bought.

Charlton Heston and the Ten
Commandments.

That's the one that has that hit single,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.

Mother, isn't the coffee ready yet? Oh,
no, not yet, dear. Carol, why don't we

just skip the coffee and move on? Oh,
no, no, no. It'll just be a moment.

why don't you give me a hand? Oh, no,
no, no. Let me help. Oh, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no. Why don't you... You stay
and hustle with Randy.

You can take turns leading.

Unless you know the bunny hop, you
better get another partner.

Before you go to the gardens of Guido,
Carol, I just want to be sure that you

understand perfectly clearly that
Randolph Cutler is a married man, that

he's interested in is a playmate for a
one -night stand.

Now, I'll certainly respect any decision
you make, but I just wanted you to have

that information. Now, it's entirely up
to you.

Okay. I'm going. Over my dead body!

Mother, what is wrong with you? Don't
you trust me?

Is that any kind of question for a 29
-year -old girl to ask her mother?

Of course I don't trust you.

Besides, he's a married man.

What has that got to do with anything?
I'm not running off to Acapulco with

He's buying the store. He's buying the
property. Oh, Carol, you were

sensational. Walter, that's wonderful.
That's what you wanted.

And I owe so much of it to you. You were
terrific.

Carol, now when you go out dancing with
him, if he should come on, we'll just

get out of it nicely and come on home
and we'll all celebrate. Don't worry,

Walter. I can take care of myself if
this isn't the most immoral thing I have

ever seen.

Maude, this is just good business
manners being nice to a customer.

Am I crazy? Am I crazy, Walter?

I mean, tell me if I'm crazy, because I
have a pill for that.

No, you're not crazy, Maud. Just wrong.
Have you got a pill for that?

In other words, Walter, this is just a
routine business procedure.

That's right.

Right. I mean, the fact that he is
married, the fact that you are sending

own stepdaughter out to entertain him,
it's nothing but business. It doesn't

mean a thing.

Right. Well, in that case, Walter, why
don't you really treat the customer

right? Give him something that is really
important to you. See, that way he'll

know for sure you're on his side.

Give him what?

Knee.

You see my daughter hustle?

Come on, fella, let's you and I go
dancing.

Well, you're buying friendly Findleys
and...

I'm one of his friendlier appliances.

Excuse me.

Thank you for dinner, but I think I'd
better just get on back to my hotel.

Now, are you happy?

Oh, Randolph, look, I don't want you to
think... Walter, don't worry about it.

The deal's set. I'm buying your
property.

That's great.

Hey, Walter, you didn't have to throw
girls at Randy to ensure the sale.

What? Hey, Maude, don't be too hard on
poor old Walter here. You can't blame

for what he did.

Randy, you know, you really... I mean,
really are one hell of a guy.

Think nothing of it, old buddy.

Maude, you've got to realize that
Walter's selling his property because he

security for his family.

A little nest egg.

Nobody can blame him for that.

So he sees that I like a gal down at the
store. You know, a one -night stand.

He figures that'll move the scales over
a little bit in his favor.

And it was no skin off old Audrey's
nose.

So when Audrey didn't show up here
tonight, he threw your daughter at me.

Maude, you can't blame him for that.

That's business.

That's life. Right, Waldo, buddy?

Oh, my.

That's what I actually did.

Those are all the things that I've been
saying.

Only they didn't sound half as ugly
coming from me.

What are you talking about?

I think you'd better leave.

What?

I think you'd better get out.

Out, out, out!

I don't need your damn money.

I'll take my chances on a botched
operation and a malpractice suit.

You're crazy.

You're all crazy.

Uh, Mr. Cutler... Uh... What my husband
is trying

to tell you, Mr.

Cutler, is that his morals and his
principles are too important to be just

written off for the sake of a good
business deal.

It's called integrity.

Oh, you dreamers. You poor, sweet
dreamers.

You know, Maude, there's something you
don't understand about business. There's

something you're ignoring completely.

It's a jungle out there.

Good luck.

I think I owe you an apology.

Oh, come on. Carol, I owe you an
apology.

I owe myself an apology.

Maude, I apologize.

Oh, come on now. Carol, I apologize.

Thank you.

Walter? All right!

Sweetheart. Sweetheart, it's all over.

There's no need to apologize.

What am I going to do, Maude?

Look. Last night, I made this list of
the illnesses that I could afford to

if this deal went through.

And now I won't be able to enjoy any of
them.

Honey, you know, I know a very old trick
that is guaranteed to ward off diseases

and worries. It's even older than
acupressure. Give me the list.

Now, blow on it.

Now, go ahead.

That's right.

Now you come upstairs and try to get
this list back.

was taped in Hollywood before a live
audience.