Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider, she didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her, she was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to, ain't you glad she showed up. Oh yeah!

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's one rider.

Mrs. Nogatuck, the table looks lovely. It does, doesn't it? And you look

too. I do, don't I?

But why are we making all this fuss about dinner tonight?

Just because your guest's a millionaire?

Mrs. Naugatuck. Now, if Randolph Cutler buys Walter's store to build a high

-rise, we'll be on Easy Street.

I mean, the fact that he's a millionaire has nothing to do with it. Besides,

we've had millionaires in this house before.

Who? Well, Joe the plumber.

Clyde the TV repairman.

And after tonight's dinner, Otto the butcher.

What say we move...

the centerpiece over here.

I think you've gone bananas.

Excuse me, bananas.

Mrs. Nogatuck, you don't know Walter.

He is going to be so nervous about everything going just right tonight that

won't be able to rest or relax until he finds something wrong.

This way he'll come in and complain about the centerpiece, pick it up, put

back in the center where it belongs, and then he'll relax for the rest of the

evening. Oh, ma 'am, you should have been a psychiatrist.

You know, I almost was, till I found out they don't let you laugh at your

patients.

Maude, is everything ready?

They'll be here in 20 minutes.

Sweetheart, relax.

Everything's ready. No, something's wrong. Something's wrong.

The centerpiece.

There.

Yes, that's much better.

You know, Walter, the way you arrange flowers, if I were Japanese, I'd kick

right in the centerpiece.

That's going to be a total disaster.

I can feel it. A total disaster.

Sweetheart, relax.

Randolph Cutler is going to take one look at how you position that

and he'll buy your store just like that.

Who do you know?

Speaking of bananas.

Oh, ma 'am, what about the wine?

Oh, yes. Now, let's see. With the fowl, we should have a nice white burgundy.

Something elegant, yet understated.

Bold in its implications, yet amusing in the glass.

I guess that lets out the day go red.

Mrs. Naugatuck, we do not use expressions like that in this house.

The word dago is a slur to Italians.

Very well, ma 'am.

But at dinner tonight, what would you like me to call the guinea hens?

Ooh, you're good china and you're good silver.

You're really going all out this evening.

Oh, I know, Carol.

This is Walter's...

Big chance to realize his lifelong ambition to get out of the rat race,

economic security, never to worry again.

Ward. Ward.

Where's my maroon tie?

I can't find my maroon tie. I sent it to the cleaners. The cleaners?

That was my good luck maroon tie. What am I going to do without my good luck

maroon tie?

Relax, honey.

We're having beets for dinner. Just let some of the juice dribble down your

throat.

is going to be a disaster.

Well, Mother, I can understand why Walter's nervous.

I mean, after all, tonight one man will decide the rest of his life for him.

Whether he'll have economic security or not, whether he'll be able to retire or

not, whether he'll be on easy street or... Stop. You sound like the coming

attractions for Beacon Hill.

Well, before I leave, I'll see if Mrs. Nogatuck needs any help.

The world goes round, the world goes round.

What? How do I look? You look wonderful, darling. I see you found another good

luck tie.

No, I don't need a good luck tie. I'm wearing my good luck shorts.

Everything's going to be all right. Of course it is. Oh, listen, before they

here, what is Mrs.

Cutler's first name? Eloise. Eloise.

But as it turns out, his wife's not with him on this trip, so she won't be here.

But, honey, when you called this afternoon, you said there'd be four of

Well, he sort of has a date.

You see, at the store this afternoon, Mr.

Cutler saw one of my employees in the stockroom and thought she was very

stacked, nice, and asked me to fix him up. I mean, to invite her to sort of

round off the party. I'm sorry, who, sweetheart?

Um, Mamadry.

Who?

Audrey.

Audrey? Did you say Audrey?

Tawdry Audrey?

Now, wait a minute, Mort. So Mr. Cutler thought she was very nice. What did he

do? Check her out with the boys in the warehouse?

Mort, Audrey's a very sweet girl. Come on now, Walter.

I remember perfectly well last year's Christmas party in this very house.

Anytime any one of the men announced he was leaving, Audrey ran upstairs, jumped

on our bed, and hid under his coat.

You know what? I don't know why you're getting so excited. This is all

innocent. It's just a case of boy meets girl.

Boy? Randolph Cutler is 56 years old.

55.

All right, boy.

But don't you forget that that boy has a wife, six children, and nine

grandchildren. So there you are. It'll take them all evening just to show her

his snapshots.

Walter, was it necessary to procure him a girl in order to complete the sale?

Come on, Maud. Listen, I couldn't take any chances. You know, it's a toss -up

whether he'll buy my property or the corner at Main and Elm.

Well, look, Walter, if you have to exploit Audrey in order to make this

you should just forget the whole thing. Maud, what could I do?

I mean, when Mr. Cutler was in the store, he went into the stock room and

Audrey, who was looking for a... Don't tell me. A bun warmer.

Walter Randolph Cutler is a married man.

What's being married got to do with it? Well, at least you could have let him

get his own girl.

Maud, he can't get his own girl. He's a married man.

Look, Walter, I want you to call Audrey and tell her I do not want her to come.

Oh, now, look, Maud, sweetheart, I don't think you realize how much this deal

means to me.

With all my life insurance, I'm only rich if I'm dead.

Alive, I'm nothing.

Walter, why are you speaking of dying? You're only 52.

What are you worried about?

Let's face it, Lord. At my age, sickness is just around the corner. If I don't

sell the business, I can't afford to get sick. It's either die or nothing.

Walter, look at the dark side.

What if you don't die and you don't get sick?

That's just a chance I'll have to take.

Come on.

I've been thinking about my Uncle Eddie.

He struggled for years to build a little business and then one day, zap! A

gastric ulcer. And after tests and operations and hospital bills, he was

penniless and he never worked again.

What are you talking about? Your Uncle Eddie owns a condominium in Florida and

he goes to Europe every year. Only because he was lucky enough to get a bad

doctor who botched the operation.

He won a big malpractice suit.

I might not get that lucky.

What you are doing with Audrey and Cutler is pandering. Now, it's wrong and

know it, Walter. Oh, don't be so naive.

This kind of thing is not everyday in business. That's not the business you

in. Oh, will you open your eyes?

All the big corporations are doing exactly the same thing.

When the oil companies entertain one of those Arab sheiks, what do you think

they do?

Take them down to an SO station and watch the sign turn around?

Look, Walter, just because everybody does it does not make it right.

Well, there's something that you don't understand.

I mean, something that you are totally unaware of.

Something that has never even crossed your mind.

It's a jungle out there, Mort.

Can you try to understand?

I'm doing this for you.

If something should happen to me, I want you to be taken care of. Okay, Walter.

Okay, you have Audrey over. You do whatever you want, but I hate it.

And because of this, Walter, I hope you stay as healthy as a horse for the rest

of your life.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Oh, well, no, no.

No, that's quite all right.

No, of course I understand.

Yes, I'll tell him, yes.

Oh, that was Audrey.

She can't make it. She suddenly remembered she has a date with the

fire department.

Well,

Walter, as we used to say at Springfield Elementary School...

Walter got stood up.

Now he's terrified at the prospect of having to close this deal ethically.

Oh, Mort, what am I going to do?

Mr. Cutler expects to have dinner with an attractive young girl.

I knew this evening would be a disaster.

My lucky tie is at the cleaners, and my shorts aren't working.

Your shorts are working, Walter.

Huh? I'm here.

If it's that important to you, I'll stay for dinner. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I

am not letting Walter throw my daughter at that wolf. Now, Mother, if this is

the most important thing in the world to Walter, it's important to me, too.

Don't worry. I can take care of Mr.

Cutler. I'll just bat my eyes at him and laugh at his jokes, and after dessert,

we'll send him home happy. Sure, Maude. What could happen? I mean, after all,

Carol is not Audrey.

Well, that's true. Carol is not Audrey.

Are you, dear?

There he is.

Mr. Cutler, how nice to see you. Hello, Walter, and it's Randolph. Randolph.

Mr. Cutler, I am Maude Findlay. It's a pleasure to meet you. The pleasure's all

mine, and please call me Randolph.

Randolph.

Well, who's this?

Oh, uh, Randolph, uh, unfortunately...

Audrey wasn't able to make it this evening, so this is your new dinner

our daughter, Carol.

Hello, Randolph.

Please, call me Randy.

nervous that he forgot to unbuckle his seatbelt.

Later, he walked into the office with his Volkswagen strapped around his

Have you heard about that new method of getting instant energy?

Instant energy?

It's called acupressure.

Carol, I think I better show you. Come here.

First you put one thumb against this shoulder blade, and then you put the

thumb against the other shoulder blade.

Well, if that's it, it isn't working.

Thumbs against shoulder blades don't do much for me. No, no. It's shoulder

blades against thumbs. I'm the one getting the energy.

Mort!

Mort, Randy's demonstrating a new technique for transferring energy.

Actually, it's a very ancient Chinese method of using the thumbs as

of health. It's called acupressure. Oh, yes, I know. We used to call it

acucopophil.

all move into the living room.

Good idea. Come on, Carol. There's something I'd like to ask you.

Will you stop it?

You're going to louse up this deal. All right. All right, Walter. I won't say

another word all night. Not a peep out of me. I will be completely silent.

Carol, do you ever hustle?

Hold it!

Hold it right there!

What did you say?

Maude, in my hotel, there's this terrific little discotheque called the

of Guido. I thought that Carol and I could go down there for a nightcap and a

quick hustle. It's a dance, Mother.

Do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do

-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do

-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do

-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do

-do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -

Randy, I'm sure she'd love to go with you, but it's much too soon after her

appendectomy. That was three years ago.

These young people today, always rushing things.

Carol, help me in the kitchen with the coffee.

No, no, no, Carol. You stay here. I'll help with the coffee. Mort, you know me.

Mother's little helper.

Oh, uh, Randy, I understand that, uh, you and your wife and your six children

and your nine grandchildren all belong to the same church.

Why don't you tell Carol about it? More!

Mrs. Nogatuck, would you please put on some coffee?

Oh, will you just relax? You're gonna blow this whole deal.

This is the shabbiest trick I have ever seen you pull, Walter. And that includes

fixing Vivian up with Arthur.

More, just lower your voice. I don't want Mr. Cutler to know we're...

Arguing.

Using my daughter in this way, Walter, you are immoral and unethical and...

Disgusting.

Just a minute, Maud.

You're making a big deal out of something that is completely...

I mean, Carol's going to go out dancing and have a couple of drinks and that's

all. A couple of drinks? She's already had two drinks. Next thing... She'll be

on her way to his hotel room.

How can you say that?

How do you know where she'll be after a couple of drinks? Because, Walter...

I have been there many times.

Excuse me, Mum. What is it?

Well, I was wondering if it'd be all right if...

I feel it my duty as a British subject to turn on my television every night at

this time and boo the Bicentennial Minute.

All right, go ahead, go ahead.

And on your way past Cutler and Carroll, throw a bucket of cold water on me.

Listen, Ward, I won't be called shabby. This is not shabby. This is just

business. I've been in appliances for 25 years, and I stand on my record.

Maybe I've...

bent the rules a few times, but I have never broken them. Never! I know,

I know. And whenever my friends talk about their husbands, I can't tell you

pride I have in being able to say without qualification that my Walter has

been totally unethical.

Oh, oh, oh, Randy, Randy, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but you must hear this new

album Walter just bought.

Charlton Heston and the Ten Commandments.

That's the one that has that hit single, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.

Mother, isn't the coffee ready yet? Oh, no, not yet, dear. Carol, why don't we

just skip the coffee and move on? Oh, no, no, no. It'll just be a moment.

why don't you give me a hand? Oh, no, no, no. Let me help. Oh, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no. Why don't you... You stay and hustle with Randy.

You can take turns leading.

Unless you know the bunny hop, you better get another partner.

Before you go to the gardens of Guido, Carol, I just want to be sure that you

understand perfectly clearly that Randolph Cutler is a married man, that

he's interested in is a playmate for a one -night stand.

Now, I'll certainly respect any decision you make, but I just wanted you to have

that information. Now, it's entirely up to you.

Okay. I'm going. Over my dead body!

Mother, what is wrong with you? Don't you trust me?

Is that any kind of question for a 29 -year -old girl to ask her mother?

Of course I don't trust you.

Besides, he's a married man.

What has that got to do with anything? I'm not running off to Acapulco with

He's buying the store. He's buying the property. Oh, Carol, you were

sensational. Walter, that's wonderful. That's what you wanted.

And I owe so much of it to you. You were terrific.

Carol, now when you go out dancing with him, if he should come on, we'll just

get out of it nicely and come on home and we'll all celebrate. Don't worry,

Walter. I can take care of myself if this isn't the most immoral thing I have

ever seen.

Maude, this is just good business manners being nice to a customer.

Am I crazy? Am I crazy, Walter?

I mean, tell me if I'm crazy, because I have a pill for that.

No, you're not crazy, Maud. Just wrong. Have you got a pill for that?

In other words, Walter, this is just a routine business procedure.

That's right.

Right. I mean, the fact that he is married, the fact that you are sending

own stepdaughter out to entertain him, it's nothing but business. It doesn't

mean a thing.

Right. Well, in that case, Walter, why don't you really treat the customer

right? Give him something that is really important to you. See, that way he'll

know for sure you're on his side.

Give him what?

Knee.

You see my daughter hustle?

Come on, fella, let's you and I go dancing.

Well, you're buying friendly Findleys and...

I'm one of his friendlier appliances.

Excuse me.

Thank you for dinner, but I think I'd better just get on back to my hotel.

Now, are you happy?

Oh, Randolph, look, I don't want you to think... Walter, don't worry about it.

The deal's set. I'm buying your property.

That's great.

Hey, Walter, you didn't have to throw girls at Randy to ensure the sale.

What? Hey, Maude, don't be too hard on poor old Walter here. You can't blame

for what he did.

Randy, you know, you really... I mean, really are one hell of a guy.

Think nothing of it, old buddy.

Maude, you've got to realize that Walter's selling his property because he

security for his family.

A little nest egg.

Nobody can blame him for that.

So he sees that I like a gal down at the store. You know, a one -night stand.

He figures that'll move the scales over a little bit in his favor.

And it was no skin off old Audrey's nose.

So when Audrey didn't show up here tonight, he threw your daughter at me.

Maude, you can't blame him for that.

That's business.

That's life. Right, Waldo, buddy?

Oh, my.

That's what I actually did.

Those are all the things that I've been saying.

Only they didn't sound half as ugly coming from me.

What are you talking about?

I think you'd better leave.

What?

I think you'd better get out.

Out, out, out!

I don't need your damn money.

I'll take my chances on a botched operation and a malpractice suit.

You're crazy.

You're all crazy.

Uh, Mr. Cutler... Uh... What my husband is trying

to tell you, Mr.

Cutler, is that his morals and his principles are too important to be just

written off for the sake of a good business deal.

It's called integrity.

Oh, you dreamers. You poor, sweet dreamers.

You know, Maude, there's something you don't understand about business. There's

something you're ignoring completely.

It's a jungle out there.

Good luck.

I think I owe you an apology.

Oh, come on. Carol, I owe you an apology.

I owe myself an apology.

Maude, I apologize.

Oh, come on now. Carol, I apologize.

Thank you.

Walter? All right!

Sweetheart. Sweetheart, it's all over.

There's no need to apologize.

What am I going to do, Maude?

Look. Last night, I made this list of the illnesses that I could afford to

if this deal went through.

And now I won't be able to enjoy any of them.

Honey, you know, I know a very old trick that is guaranteed to ward off diseases

and worries. It's even older than acupressure. Give me the list.

Now, blow on it.

Now, go ahead.

That's right.

Now you come upstairs and try to get this list back.

was taped in Hollywood before a live audience.