Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Jonah barked with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh yeah!

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross is the rider now.

You want to get that, Maud?

No.

Come on, Maud.

You want an equal rights household?

I'm giving you the equal right to answer the door.

Maud, would you hit a man with glasses?

Of course, I wouldn't hit a man with glasses.

I'd use a magazine.

Howdy, ma 'am.

Pete Rogers, your friendly Peter Kerr, ma 'am.

I just painted your address on the curb out front.

Oh, did somebody here ask you to paint the address on the curb?

Uh, no, ma 'am. We did it without asking. See, we just do it as kind of a

service. Oh, well, thank you very much. That's very kind of you.

Ma 'am, see, we kind of depend on donations from good neighbors like

stay in business.

Good neighbors usually give $20.

Oh, well, to show you what a good neighbor I am, I'm going to do even

Now, that's right generous of you, ma 'am. Yes, first chance I get, I'm coming

over and paint your address on your face.

Maude, that's pretty poor public relations.

Now, Lord knows what he'll paint on the curb.

Give the poor guy a couple of bucks. I cannot stand being pressured.

Get lost.

Sorry, Arthur. I didn't realize it was you.

It's urgent.

I've got a lot of things on my mind.

Now, Maud, could I have a few words with Walter? Of course. Be my guest.

Alone.

I need to talk to Walter alone.

Oh, come on, Arthur. Don't be silly. Maud and I share everything.

If you have anything to say to me, you can say it in front of Maud. Anything.

But, Walter, this is important.

I'm sorry, Maud. This is important.

Maud, please. This is... Man talk. Oh, all right.

Now, Walter, this really looks serious.

I'll bet he lost his Swiss Army knife.

Okay, Arthur, what is it?

Walter, you remember that marvelous investment they let me in on for $18

Yeah. Well, Sidney Faraday, the promoter, just called me from Boston,

says we've got problems.

$18 ,000 of my hard -earned dollars, and he's got problems.

Well, what kind of problems, Arthur? Financial problems?

I don't know.

But right in the middle of the conversation, the operator asked him for

quarter, and he hung up.

He hung up.

And you gave that man $18 ,000?

Yeah, but not in quarters.

See, I don't understand it.

Faraday said that they were selling franchise and that I'd have most of my

investment back by now.

I need that money to pay my malpractice insurance.

That's important.

It certainly is.

Without malpractice insurance, I'd have to give up medicine.

Either that or be very careful.

Well, Arthur, what could it be?

Maybe Sidney found a bug in his design.

Oh, no.

Not a chance.

Faraday's footlight slippers are foolproof. Hey!

With these slippers, you can get up and walk around the middle of the night,

around the house without even turning them on.

Incredible. Yeah.

Walter, do you realize this could be the answer to the energy crisis?

Faraday's footlight slippers could bring the Arabs to their knees.

Hard to believe, isn't it?

I find it hard to believe.

The only possible danger is an electric shock when you go to the bathroom.

Pretty silly.

Don't knock silly.

People have made fortunes from silly.

What about the guy that invented the hula hoop?

And how about the guy that invented Frisbee?

And the guy that invented fluoridated holy water?

Fluoridated holy water? I never heard of that.

Maybe not, but did you ever see a nun with bad teeth?

Anyway, I sure hope you don't blow your money.

Walter, if I lose that $18 ,000, I am in big trouble.

Big trouble.

Arthur, you know, you're amazing.

You're completely relaxed when you take out a gallbladder. But when it comes to

money, you panic.

That's because the gallbladder's not mine, but the money is.

Well, you're no help at all.

I came over here for some comfort and reassurance.

Well, if you wanted comfort and reassurance, you should be telling all

to your wife, Vivian.

Vivian? Oh, well, you know how nervous she gets.

She'd fall apart if I told her about this.

No. And I don't want you to mention one word of this before she gets back.

Don't worry, Arthur. I won't mention a word of it. By the way, is she still up

at that fat farm?

Well, it's not just a fat farm. It's a sort of a spa where they walk around

meditating and listening to gurus reading Hindu philosophy.

Well, if I just had to come out of that den, I can't stand it in there.

Why not?

I haven't been able to hear a word either one of you has said.

Now, when is Vivian coming back so that I'll have somebody to talk to? Well, her

plane got in over an hour ago. She should be here any minute. Oh, great,

I'm dying to see her, unless, of course, she really got skinny.

Well, she did mention that she lost four pounds.

I hope she didn't lose them in the wrong places. Oh, Arthur, when you lose four

pounds, there are no wrong places.

Except, of course, Cleveland and Newark.

God, she did lose it in the wrong place.

You know, Maude, you should go to Paradise Retreat sometime. It's just

wonderful. They work on both the spirit and the body. I have come back with

fantastic peace of mind and marvelous muscle tone. I love you, Royce.

I love you, Landry. I love you.

And I love you so much. I think somebody spiked her wheat germ.

Maude, you can say anything you like. Nothing upsets me anymore.

Not even those four -letter words painted on your curb outside.

It's all right, Walter. She reads them, but she doesn't know what they mean.

See, I have achieved total tranquility through hours of meditation.

Hours of meditation?

Well, what did you think about?

Nothing. You make your mind a complete blank.

Don't say it, Arthur. It's a cheap shot.

That's all right. Nothing bothers me anymore. Nothing.

Arthur, what are those funny things on your feet?

Oh, these.

Faraday's Footlights.

They're the latest thing.

They have little bulbs in them so you can see where you're going in the dark.

Aren't they terrific?

You see, Maude, nothing bothers me.

Arthur, sweet meat.

You realize that we've been apart for ten days?

Uh -huh, yeah. Well, let's go to our very own house and, uh, pull down the

shades and...

And you can show me how your slippers work. Won't that be fun?

Just what the world is waiting for. Electric muck locks.

Go ahead, Maud, laugh.

Just remember, they laughed at Thomas Edison.

I know.

And they would have laughed even harder if he'd put his light bulb in a slipper.

Sidney Faraday?

Yes, yes, Sidney, I wanted to talk to you because... What?

Yes, operator, I'll accept the charge.

Sidney? What?

Someone else has applied for a patent?

Well, you're darn right we'll take the crooks to court.

What? $3 ,000 for a lawyer.

Well, I don't have that kind... Sidney, will you call me later?

What's wrong, Lord? No, we were just disconnected.

that something's wrong. No, it's nothing.

Just a minor business problem. Nothing for you to worry your pretty little head

about. You want some orange juice?

I want to worry my pretty little head. They told us at the retreat a crust of

bread broken with a friend is better than a banquet alone.

They told you that?

They also said a burden shared is a burden lightened.

Well, didn't anybody up there talk in regular sentences?

Oh, Arthur, forget your troubles.

Come on, get happy.

I haven't got any troubles.

Arthur, I heard you saying something about $3 ,000. You know, I have $5 ,000

my divorce settlement from Chuck. Vivian, I don't need any money.

And even if I did, no husband worth his salt would take money from his wife.

It's not only unmanly, it's impolite.

Oh, fried steak, Arthur.

I'm just sick and tired of the way you keep everything such a big secret.

I don't know any... about our finances. I don't even know how much money you

make.

Vivian, love, I am your husband.

It's none of your business.

Now, it is so my business. They told us at the retreat we are extensions of each

other. Oh, boy.

That's hammer and sickle talk if I ever heard it.

Peanut shells, Arthur. How much money do you make? I have a right to know.

Vivian, nobody knows how much money I make. I'm a doctor.

I am your partner in life.

No, you're not.

You're my wife.

Arthur,

I want to help you. I want to help you share your problems. No!

Oh, Sidney?

No. No, I said I haven't got the dojo.

I mean the money.

Vivian, will you stop it?

What?

No, of course I don't want to lose my entire investment.

All right.

All right, I'll try to raise it somewhere.

Vivian, stop it.

I was wondering, do you have anything to take paint off a curb?

How much will I need? Just enough to remove the words... Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Walter,

I'm afraid you're going to have to take the car out of the garage and park it in

front of the house.

Walter, listen.

Arthur, don't you ever knock?

Well, were you born in a barn?

Well, actually, I was born in a garage.

It was four o 'clock in the morning, and as my mother got in the front seat, the

panes were coming three minutes apart. Who cares, Arthur?

Walter, things are going from bad to worse.

I am facing the worst crisis of my entire life.

Relax, Arthur.

Once the weather gets cold, Viv will start wearing bras again.

No, it's not that. It's...

It's... Maud, would you please leave the room?

No, I left last time. It's Walter's turn.

Come on, Arthur. You can talk in front of both of us.

Walter, I'm desperate.

Somebody's trying to steal the patent on our slippers.

I gotta have $3 ,000 for a lawyer. I'm gonna lose everything. You gotta help

Walter. You gotta help me. Okay, Arthur. Be calm. Be calm. Everything is gonna

be okay.

Maud.

$3 ,000. Do you think...

Write him a check, and I'll go to the bank tomorrow morning and cover it. Oh,

thank you.

You saved my life. You saved my life. Please, Arthur, let's not spoil it.

Sorry, Monty. I mean, after all, you and Vivian are our very closest friends,

and if you need the money... I'm not.

Vivian doesn't know anything about this, and I don't want her to find out.

Arthur, you mean you would borrow $3 ,000 from us and not tell Vivian? That

terrible! No, it isn't.

It's business.

She wouldn't understand.

What do you mean she wouldn't understand?

Maude, you're an intelligent woman.

Let me explain it to you in a logical and scientific way. Now, men and women

different.

Did you find this out before or after you became a doctor?

They each have to fulfill the role assigned to them by nature.

Now, it's a 50 -50 division of responsibility.

Woman takes care of the home, and man takes care of the rest of the world.

That is the most ignorant, simplistic, insensitive piece of drivel I have ever

heard. I don't think you bought it.

Even you should know, Bud, since time began, men have always been in charge of

the big deals.

Women just don't have that caliber of intelligence.

I have three words for you.

And two of them are out on the curb.

Well, that does it. Here you go, old buddy. I don't have to take this.

I don't have to take this at all.

You realize, of course, that this terminates our friendship.

Arthur, don't try to bribe me.

Long ago...

should try this sometime.

It gives you eternal peace of mind. It puts you in harmony with the forces of

the universe.

Well, right now, I've got bigger things on my mind than the universe.

Nothing is more important than harmony.

A soul in tune is a soul... Biggin, will you please shut up?

Sharp words are like a two -edged sword.

Now, listen.

A little while ago, you offered me some money.

I've reconsidered. I'm going to permit you to lend it to me.

That makes me feel so much closer to you. It is wiser to assist your helpmate

out of love than out of need.

Good. Then I can have the money? Of course. What's it for?

Vivian, I have no time for trick questions.

It's, uh, business.

You see, you're a woman. You wouldn't understand.

So just give me the money and please, no more of those oriental quotations.

Just this one.

No ticky, no washy.

life. I want an equal voice. Damn it, woman.

You have an equal voice.

In the kitchen, you're boss.

In the living room, I'm boss.

In the bedroom, it's catch -as -catch -can.

Well, what's wrong with that arrangement? It licks wallpaper.

Arthur, I just want you to accept me as your full economic partner.

Well, that's ridiculous.

I'm a doctor. You're a housewife.

Yes, and the work I do gives you the freedom to do the work you do. Now, what

do accounts for something, Arthur. They told us at Paradise Retreat that if

wives got paid for their housework, why, it would come to $300 a week.

Well, what about what I do around here? What about when I take out the garbage?

That's worth something.

All right, $5.

For a doctor?

A proletariat surgeon taking out the garbage ought to be worth at least $8.

price on everything. What if I charge you for... Vivian.

No wife charges her husband for that.

Oh, well, forget it. Over the course of a year, it wouldn't come to much anyway.

I never dreamed I would hear such fiddle -faddle from my wife.

If I got a phone call telling me I was bankrupt, I would not accept your money

now.

Well, Sidney, say, fella, I'm going to need a little more time to raise that

money. I... What?

What do you mean, in that case, I lose it all?

be the chant you used to get eternal peace of mind. Maybe it'll get me

the day. Arthur, that phone call just now, you just lost some money, didn't

You would withhold from me, your husband, the secret to eternal peace of

No, no, of course not. Here, kneel down. Put your hands together.

Say, yam doho kone.

I invested some money.

Yes?

In a new invention.

Uh -huh.

Those electric bedroom slippers.

I found out just now those

slippers were patented in 1922.

Coincidentally, by the same man that invented fluoridated holy water.

I've lost all my investment.

Every cent.

Everything will be all right.

It means we'll have to scrimp and save to come up with the money for my

malpractice insurance.

We'll have to give up stuffed artichokes, Vivian.

Never mind. We'll save on the household money. We'll use Hamburger Helper.

We won't go out to the movies. We'll stay home and play Crazy Eight. You know

you love that.

Oh, we can do it?

You really think so?

Well, together we can, of course.

Maybe this gimmick really works.

The chanting?

No.

Telling you my problems.

I've got suddenly a sense of relief.

I've been carrying around this thing for so long. Arthur, sharing your problems

is what I'm all about as your wife and your partner. And you sharing my

is what you're all about as my husband. Husband and partner.

Well, you could have fooled me.

It's amazing how understanding you are, Vivian.

Oh, Arthur, you are sweet.

Oh, Vivian.

Arthur, baby, down there.

Down here.

Arthur.

Arthur, we want you to have this check. Maude, maybe we should talk to Arthur in

private. No, no, not at all. You can say anything you want in front of Vivian.

Well, we just feel so darn guilty about what happened, and we want you to have

this check, you know, for your legal fees.

Oh, I don't need it anymore. Arthur's already lost his investment.

Oh, Arthur.

Oh, I'm sorry. You must feel just awful.

No, not at all. It's only money.

Well, Arthur, I really envy you.

I mean, if I had all this money just go up in smoke, I'd be devastated.

Boy, what, $18 ,000 right down the drain.

$18 ,000?

Yeah. $18 ,000.

$18...

Sounds like someone chanting.

Ma,

I didn't know you'd taken up chanting.

Chatting? Who's chatting? I'm ordering Chinese food. The waiter's very hard of

hearing.

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