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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,010 --> 00:00:06,950 Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. 2 00:00:07,230 --> 00:00:10,170 She didn't care if the whole world looked. 3 00:00:10,730 --> 00:00:16,410 Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could. 4 00:00:17,850 --> 00:00:22,810 Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up? 5 00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:24,370 Oh, yeah. 6 00:00:24,670 --> 00:00:29,450 When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up. 7 00:00:29,810 --> 00:00:31,150 And then there's more. 8 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:42,600 Well, 9 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:52,440 here we are, fellas. 10 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:54,680 Ta -da! 11 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,580 Get a load of this, Walter. The finest hotel in Pittsburgh. 12 00:00:57,860 --> 00:00:58,860 It should be. 13 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,140 $60 a day for this room. 14 00:01:01,660 --> 00:01:02,700 Well, look on the bright side, Walter. 15 00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:05,980 If your business trip and my medical convention hadn't come up on the same 16 00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:07,360 weekend, we wouldn't be able to share expenses. 17 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,960 50 -50, even -steven, right down the line. 18 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:14,479 Oh, sure. 19 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:15,480 That's all right. I got a quarter. 20 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:19,680 There you are, Philip. 21 00:01:20,740 --> 00:01:22,860 You owe me 12 cents, Walter. I'll spring for the other penny. 22 00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:26,660 Thank you, sir. Don't mention it. 23 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:30,640 I say, Philip, my friend and I are going to be in town for a couple of days, 24 00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:31,579 see? 25 00:01:31,580 --> 00:01:36,000 We'd like to, uh... Well, we're wondering where, uh, you know... Yeah, 26 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,620 down at the bar hustling the doctors. 27 00:01:39,820 --> 00:01:40,820 Oh, no! 28 00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:42,360 Oh, no, no, you don't understand. 29 00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:45,520 See, we're just in town from Tuckahoe, New York, and we'd like to hit some of 30 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:46,580 the hot spots in Pittsburgh. 31 00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:51,640 Tuckahoe? Well, in that case, the House of Pies is open till 10 .30. 32 00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:58,300 This knob is loose. I'll have maintenance up to fix it. Okay. 33 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:00,600 You want to go to the House of Pies, Walter? 34 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:02,280 I don't think I want to go to the House of Pies. 35 00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:08,340 Hey, we've read it fresh enough, baby. We're going out on the town. 36 00:02:09,180 --> 00:02:10,180 What about your convention? 37 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,520 Aren't you going to the opening ceremonies? 38 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,099 Oh, sure. 39 00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,100 But only for a minute. 40 00:02:15,740 --> 00:02:18,660 You know, the only reason I bother with these things at all is to keep on the 41 00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:21,300 good side of the pharmaceutical houses so they'll keep sending me free samples. 42 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,440 There is nothing duller than a medical convention. 43 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:37,680 hotel's on fire. 44 00:02:39,020 --> 00:02:40,020 Wait a second. 45 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:42,560 Is that Ted? 46 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:48,100 I thought I recognized that voice. You old son of a gun. 47 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,000 Boozer? 48 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,080 That's great. 49 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,960 1506? Well, we're right across the hall, 1504. Come on over. 50 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,320 Ted and Boozer, my old roommates from medical school. 51 00:03:00,740 --> 00:03:02,520 Great guys for practical jokes. 52 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,340 Oh, boy, when I think of some of the stunts that we pulled in college. 53 00:03:06,250 --> 00:03:07,470 I'll bet you were quite a card. 54 00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:08,730 Oh, I was a regular. Go to hell. 55 00:03:10,970 --> 00:03:12,850 But Ted, he was a crazy one. 56 00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:18,150 I remember one time old Ted, see, he got up in the middle of the night and he 57 00:03:18,150 --> 00:03:22,730 snuck into the urology lab, see, and he poured grapefruit juice into all the 58 00:03:22,730 --> 00:03:23,730 specimens. 59 00:03:25,670 --> 00:03:29,690 The next day they announced that 500 students were suffering from 60 00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:34,370 I wonder doctors like medical school so much. Yeah. 61 00:03:35,020 --> 00:03:36,400 Graduation was a real letdown. 62 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,200 Fire! Fire! 63 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:41,800 Fire! 64 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:44,040 Fire! 65 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:45,840 Fire! 66 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:47,680 Fire! Fire! 67 00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:49,780 Come on! 68 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,880 We're the boys of the AMA. We serve the rich and poor. 69 00:03:58,140 --> 00:04:01,760 But as we sit, you better be rich if you expect what you're... 70 00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:27,850 Doesn't he look great, Boozer? Great. 71 00:04:28,130 --> 00:04:29,910 Twinkie? They used to call you Twinkie? 72 00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:31,250 Yeah, that's right. 73 00:04:31,930 --> 00:04:34,170 Because I was a star. 74 00:04:35,950 --> 00:04:37,550 I used to say that all the time. 75 00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:39,470 Hey, let me introduce you guys. 76 00:04:39,890 --> 00:04:41,150 This is Dr. Ted Wicker. 77 00:04:41,630 --> 00:04:42,630 Dr. Boozer Bailey. 78 00:04:43,170 --> 00:04:45,190 This is Dr. 79 00:04:45,450 --> 00:04:46,189 Walter Finley. 80 00:04:46,190 --> 00:04:47,190 Huh? Yeah. 81 00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:49,450 The doc and I came down from Tuckahoe together. 82 00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:52,470 Well, any friend of Twinkie's is a friend of mine. Yeah, hi. 83 00:04:53,170 --> 00:04:54,630 What's your specialty, Dr. Finley? 84 00:04:54,910 --> 00:04:55,910 Face splitting. 85 00:04:59,870 --> 00:05:02,110 You know, if that wasn't so true, it'd be a classic. 86 00:05:03,910 --> 00:05:04,990 Actually, I'm in appliances. 87 00:05:05,810 --> 00:05:06,810 Appliances. 88 00:05:07,610 --> 00:05:10,450 Appliances. That's one of Walter's favorite jokes. 89 00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:12,570 He's a cardiologist. 90 00:05:13,010 --> 00:05:15,830 Yeah. You know, if we can't fix it here, we'll have to take it back to the shop. 91 00:05:19,550 --> 00:05:20,850 I'm an orthopedic man. 92 00:05:21,350 --> 00:05:22,550 Yeah, I get all the breaks. 93 00:05:29,780 --> 00:05:33,220 Boozer here is a GP, an OB, and an SOB. 94 00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:36,800 Specialist on booze. 95 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,000 Well, 96 00:05:42,660 --> 00:05:45,740 actually, I'm Tuckahoe's leading specialist in heart transplants. 97 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,720 I take out the old ones and stick in the new ones. I'm a ticker sticker. 98 00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:02,220 Say, you guys still do a lot of Thermidor bypass operations? 99 00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:06,100 Thermidor bar... All the time. 100 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:07,879 Uh -huh. 101 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,200 Hey, look at the time. We'd better get downstairs. 102 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:11,900 Go ahead. We'll be down in a minute. 103 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:15,920 Oh, this is the old bachelor's trick. 104 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,780 The loose doorknob gag. 105 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,700 Still the same old go -to -hell twinkie. 106 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,980 I'll bet the bellboy forgot to report it. 107 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:32,740 Room clerk, listen, the doorknob is broken in room 1504. Would you send 108 00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:33,740 up to fix it, please? 109 00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:37,040 Look, I don't want any excuses. This is Dr. Finley. 110 00:06:38,820 --> 00:06:40,480 What if I got called on an emergency? 111 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,560 I'm sorry, Dr. Finley. We're very busy tonight. 112 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,900 One of your crew threw soap chips into the fish pond. 113 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,840 And another one drank the lobby chandelier with toilet paper. 114 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,820 I'll get someone up there as soon as I can. 115 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,580 Okay, but make it snappy. 116 00:06:58,030 --> 00:06:59,030 doc. So long, doc. 117 00:06:59,270 --> 00:07:00,270 Hey, don't close it. 118 00:07:02,310 --> 00:07:04,050 Holy hell! 119 00:07:05,310 --> 00:07:07,350 They fell for my joke. They really think you're a doctor. 120 00:07:08,250 --> 00:07:10,230 I love pulling one on those two goofers. 121 00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:12,190 Walter, you were beautiful. 122 00:07:12,510 --> 00:07:15,690 Hey, by the way, what's a Thermidor bypass operation? 123 00:07:17,130 --> 00:07:19,890 Uh, oh, forget it, Walter. It's too complicated for you. 124 00:07:20,750 --> 00:07:23,910 Well, anyway, you know, I always wanted to be a doctor, but why did you have to 125 00:07:23,910 --> 00:07:25,170 make me a heart specialist? 126 00:07:25,510 --> 00:07:27,590 I kind of thought I'd like to be a pediatrician. 127 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,000 Yeah? You like kids? No. Young mothers. 128 00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:38,340 Which reminds me, I gotta call Maude. Okay. I'll see you later, Doc. 129 00:07:44,460 --> 00:07:49,120 We use all these creams and things. Popular Beauty magazine guarantees this 130 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,300 treatment will work. I know, Vivian. 131 00:07:51,580 --> 00:07:56,000 Well, after this facial, I'll look at least 20 minutes younger. 132 00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,000 Give me your finger here. 133 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:03,940 Now, I know this is unusual, but it says right here, it causes enough 134 00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:08,280 inflammation to create a slight swelling just enough to stretch the skin and 135 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,420 reduce the wrinkles on your face for an evening. 136 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,600 Oh, well, if we're going to get rid of our wrinkles, you better have a good 137 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:14,600 supply in stock. 138 00:08:15,860 --> 00:08:16,860 What is it? 139 00:08:17,820 --> 00:08:18,820 Preparation H. 140 00:08:41,070 --> 00:08:42,210 including your preparation aid. 141 00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:49,890 Listen, I gotta tell you, I just pulled the greatest practical joke board. 142 00:08:50,190 --> 00:08:53,190 Well, actually, it's Arthur's idea, and he really should get the credit. But all 143 00:08:53,190 --> 00:08:55,510 of his buddies here think I'm a doctor. They think I'm Dr. 144 00:08:55,790 --> 00:08:56,790 Findlay. 145 00:08:57,030 --> 00:08:58,310 Vivian, the moondrop bomb. 146 00:08:59,170 --> 00:09:02,890 Honey, that's wonderful. I'm so glad you're having a good time playing doctor 147 00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:03,890 with your little friends. 148 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:13,520 needs fixing? Yeah. 149 00:09:13,980 --> 00:09:15,320 I'll call you back, Maude. 150 00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:19,140 It's the doorknob. It keeps coming loose. Oh. 151 00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:21,680 Well, let's see what's wrong now. 152 00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:26,740 You're one of them doctors here at the convention, huh? 153 00:09:27,180 --> 00:09:31,100 Oh, you mean you can tell just by looking at me that I'm a doctor? 154 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:36,560 Yeah. You guys are sure raising hell in this hotel, aren't you? Well, maybe some 155 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:37,560 of the boys are. 156 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,920 But most of us are interested in saving human lives. 157 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,140 That's so nice. You know, most people today... 158 00:13:22,730 --> 00:13:24,910 That's no way to treat a patient, even if he's dead. 159 00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:32,890 I don't know what I'm doing. It's the shock, I guess. Now, there's no reason 160 00:13:32,890 --> 00:13:33,769 be upset. 161 00:13:33,770 --> 00:13:35,290 I'm sure you did everything you could. 162 00:13:35,910 --> 00:13:37,250 You gave him digitalis. 163 00:13:39,770 --> 00:13:40,770 No. 164 00:13:41,350 --> 00:13:42,530 You gave him heart massage. 165 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,490 No. 166 00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:49,590 You mean you just let the man die just to avoid a malpractice suit? 167 00:13:52,810 --> 00:13:54,330 Case of manslaughter, Dr. 168 00:13:54,570 --> 00:13:55,570 Finley. 169 00:14:25,420 --> 00:14:27,600 get the body out of the room. How are we going to get the body out of the room? 170 00:15:52,270 --> 00:15:56,170 The handyman just had a heart attack and died in this room, and I couldn't do 171 00:15:56,170 --> 00:15:58,390 anything for him. I just watched him die. 172 00:15:58,850 --> 00:16:02,510 Oh, no, Walter. I was impersonating a doctor. 173 00:16:03,810 --> 00:16:06,510 Could I get into trouble for doing something like this? 174 00:16:06,790 --> 00:16:08,190 Oh, you sure can, Walter. 175 00:16:09,090 --> 00:16:11,870 Boy, you see, if you'd been a real doctor and you'd let the man die, you'd 176 00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:12,870 the clear. 177 00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:22,710 wouldn't be your patient. 178 00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,830 Oh, there you are, fella. I know how you feel. 179 00:16:26,810 --> 00:16:29,090 You're afraid, you're alone, you're in trouble. 180 00:16:29,970 --> 00:16:30,970 You need support. 181 00:16:32,030 --> 00:16:33,030 I'll call Maude. 182 00:16:33,830 --> 00:16:36,270 You talk to her, tell her all about it. It'll make you feel better. 183 00:16:37,890 --> 00:16:39,270 Maude, yes, my Maude. 184 00:16:40,070 --> 00:16:41,550 I'll go check with Ted and Boozer. 185 00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:48,440 there's such a thing as a thermidor bypass operation? 186 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:50,840 No. 187 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:59,140 This guy, this guy must really be dense to think he can pass himself off as a 188 00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:00,140 doctor. 189 00:18:00,300 --> 00:18:04,060 Oh, now, wait a minute. You can't blame Walter. Anybody who'd try that is a 190 00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:06,100 complete numbskull. A total jerk. 191 00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:08,220 A first -class slughead. 192 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,800 I told him not to do it, but he wouldn't listen. 193 00:18:15,630 --> 00:18:18,230 Polanski fractured his toe and we gave him breakaway crutches. 194 00:18:20,950 --> 00:18:24,890 All right, all right. You had your little laugh on Walter. Now, it's not 195 00:18:25,210 --> 00:18:27,670 I'm going to go and tell him. No, no, no. Not yet, Twiggy. 196 00:18:28,230 --> 00:18:30,850 First, he's going to get a visit from Charlie's widow. 197 00:18:31,870 --> 00:18:33,750 Oh, now that's not funny. 198 00:18:34,390 --> 00:18:36,830 They found me a widow hustling down in the bar. 199 00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:40,390 For 50 bucks, she's going to take time off from the regular customers and do 200 00:18:40,390 --> 00:18:41,390 this for us. 201 00:18:46,510 --> 00:18:47,510 A floozy? 202 00:19:27,530 --> 00:19:29,510 You bet your sweet thermometer, honey. 203 00:22:48,750 --> 00:22:51,250 I mean, you should never have tried to pass yourself off as a doctor. 204 00:22:52,150 --> 00:22:54,430 You didn't even know what a Thermidor bypass was. 205 00:24:24,300 --> 00:24:25,560 Chop, I worked hard. 206 00:24:25,940 --> 00:24:26,940 I did, 207 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,200 and I can prove it. 208 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,020 I learned a marvelous new way to test people for disorders of the inner ear. 209 00:24:33,220 --> 00:24:34,079 That's right. 210 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:35,700 Off the shoulder to me. It's amazing. 211 00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:37,360 What is it you do? 212 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,640 Well, um, we can do it. Look, let's use these nutcrackers. 213 00:24:42,340 --> 00:24:45,560 Okay? Hold those in your hands and hold them right out in front of you, Bill. 214 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,760 You too, Maude. Hold them right out in front of you. Like this? Way out. That's 215 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,940 right. Now, your right foot. Lift your right foot up and down. 216 00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:54,440 No, yeah, while you hold those out. Up and down. 217 00:24:55,020 --> 00:24:55,999 Up and down. 218 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,260 Up and down. Now, while you're doing that, keep doing it. Cough. 219 00:25:35,210 --> 00:25:37,530 was taped in Hollywood before a live audience. 17406

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