Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's more.

Well,

here we are, fellas.

Ta -da!

Get a load of this, Walter. The finest hotel in Pittsburgh.

It should be.

$60 a day for this room.

Well, look on the bright side, Walter.

If your business trip and my medical convention hadn't come up on the same

weekend, we wouldn't be able to share expenses.

50 -50, even -steven, right down the line.

Oh, sure.

That's all right. I got a quarter.

There you are, Philip.

You owe me 12 cents, Walter. I'll spring for the other penny.

Thank you, sir. Don't mention it.

I say, Philip, my friend and I are going to be in town for a couple of days,

see?

We'd like to, uh... Well, we're wondering where, uh, you know... Yeah,

down at the bar hustling the doctors.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, you don't understand.

See, we're just in town from Tuckahoe, New York, and we'd like to hit some of

the hot spots in Pittsburgh.

Tuckahoe? Well, in that case, the House of Pies is open till 10 .30.

This knob is loose. I'll have maintenance up to fix it. Okay.

You want to go to the House of Pies, Walter?

I don't think I want to go to the House of Pies.

Hey, we've read it fresh enough, baby. We're going out on the town.

What about your convention?

Aren't you going to the opening ceremonies?

Oh, sure.

But only for a minute.

You know, the only reason I bother with these things at all is to keep on the

good side of the pharmaceutical houses so they'll keep sending me free samples.

There is nothing duller than a medical convention.

hotel's on fire.

Wait a second.

Is that Ted?

I thought I recognized that voice. You old son of a gun.

Boozer?

That's great.

1506? Well, we're right across the hall, 1504. Come on over.

Ted and Boozer, my old roommates from medical school.

Great guys for practical jokes.

Oh, boy, when I think of some of the stunts that we pulled in college.

I'll bet you were quite a card.

Oh, I was a regular. Go to hell.

But Ted, he was a crazy one.

I remember one time old Ted, see, he got up in the middle of the night and he

snuck into the urology lab, see, and he poured grapefruit juice into all the

specimens.

The next day they announced that 500 students were suffering from

I wonder doctors like medical school so much. Yeah.

Graduation was a real letdown.

Fire! Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Come on!

We're the boys of the AMA. We serve the rich and poor.

But as we sit, you better be rich if you expect what you're...

Doesn't he look great, Boozer? Great.

Twinkie? They used to call you Twinkie?

Yeah, that's right.

Because I was a star.

I used to say that all the time.

Hey, let me introduce you guys.

This is Dr. Ted Wicker.

Dr. Boozer Bailey.

This is Dr.

Walter Finley.

Huh? Yeah.

The doc and I came down from Tuckahoe together.

Well, any friend of Twinkie's is a friend of mine. Yeah, hi.

What's your specialty, Dr. Finley?

Face splitting.

You know, if that wasn't so true, it'd be a classic.

Actually, I'm in appliances.

Appliances.

Appliances. That's one of Walter's favorite jokes.

He's a cardiologist.

Yeah. You know, if we can't fix it here, we'll have to take it back to the shop.

I'm an orthopedic man.

Yeah, I get all the breaks.

Boozer here is a GP, an OB, and an SOB.

Specialist on booze.

Well,

actually, I'm Tuckahoe's leading specialist in heart transplants.

I take out the old ones and stick in the new ones. I'm a ticker sticker.

Say, you guys still do a lot of Thermidor bypass operations?

Thermidor bar... All the time.

Uh -huh.

Hey, look at the time. We'd better get downstairs.

Go ahead. We'll be down in a minute.

Oh, this is the old bachelor's trick.

The loose doorknob gag.

Still the same old go -to -hell twinkie.

I'll bet the bellboy forgot to report it.

Room clerk, listen, the doorknob is broken in room 1504. Would you send

up to fix it, please?

Look, I don't want any excuses. This is Dr. Finley.

What if I got called on an emergency?

I'm sorry, Dr. Finley. We're very busy tonight.

One of your crew threw soap chips into the fish pond.

And another one drank the lobby chandelier with toilet paper.

I'll get someone up there as soon as I can.

Okay, but make it snappy.

doc. So long, doc.

Hey, don't close it.

Holy hell!

They fell for my joke. They really think you're a doctor.

I love pulling one on those two goofers.

Walter, you were beautiful.

Hey, by the way, what's a Thermidor bypass operation?

Uh, oh, forget it, Walter. It's too complicated for you.

Well, anyway, you know, I always wanted to be a doctor, but why did you have to

make me a heart specialist?

I kind of thought I'd like to be a pediatrician.

Yeah? You like kids? No. Young mothers.

Which reminds me, I gotta call Maude. Okay. I'll see you later, Doc.

We use all these creams and things. Popular Beauty magazine guarantees this

treatment will work. I know, Vivian.

Well, after this facial, I'll look at least 20 minutes younger.

Give me your finger here.

Now, I know this is unusual, but it says right here, it causes enough

inflammation to create a slight swelling just enough to stretch the skin and

reduce the wrinkles on your face for an evening.

Oh, well, if we're going to get rid of our wrinkles, you better have a good

supply in stock.

What is it?

Preparation H.

including your preparation aid.

Listen, I gotta tell you, I just pulled the greatest practical joke board.

Well, actually, it's Arthur's idea, and he really should get the credit. But all

of his buddies here think I'm a doctor. They think I'm Dr.

Findlay.

Vivian, the moondrop bomb.

Honey, that's wonderful. I'm so glad you're having a good time playing doctor

with your little friends.

needs fixing? Yeah.

I'll call you back, Maude.

It's the doorknob. It keeps coming loose. Oh.

Well, let's see what's wrong now.

You're one of them doctors here at the convention, huh?

Oh, you mean you can tell just by looking at me that I'm a doctor?

Yeah. You guys are sure raising hell in this hotel, aren't you? Well, maybe some

of the boys are.

But most of us are interested in saving human lives.

That's so nice. You know, most people today...

That's no way to treat a patient, even if he's dead.

I don't know what I'm doing. It's the shock, I guess. Now, there's no reason

be upset.

I'm sure you did everything you could.

You gave him digitalis.

No.

You gave him heart massage.

No.

You mean you just let the man die just to avoid a malpractice suit?

Case of manslaughter, Dr.

Finley.

get the body out of the room. How are we going to get the body out of the room?

The handyman just had a heart attack and died in this room, and I couldn't do

anything for him. I just watched him die.

Oh, no, Walter. I was impersonating a doctor.

Could I get into trouble for doing something like this?

Oh, you sure can, Walter.

Boy, you see, if you'd been a real doctor and you'd let the man die, you'd

the clear.

wouldn't be your patient.

Oh, there you are, fella. I know how you feel.

You're afraid, you're alone, you're in trouble.

You need support.

I'll call Maude.

You talk to her, tell her all about it. It'll make you feel better.

Maude, yes, my Maude.

I'll go check with Ted and Boozer.

there's such a thing as a thermidor bypass operation?

No.

This guy, this guy must really be dense to think he can pass himself off as a

doctor.

Oh, now, wait a minute. You can't blame Walter. Anybody who'd try that is a

complete numbskull. A total jerk.

A first -class slughead.

I told him not to do it, but he wouldn't listen.

Polanski fractured his toe and we gave him breakaway crutches.

All right, all right. You had your little laugh on Walter. Now, it's not

I'm going to go and tell him. No, no, no. Not yet, Twiggy.

First, he's going to get a visit from Charlie's widow.

Oh, now that's not funny.

They found me a widow hustling down in the bar.

For 50 bucks, she's going to take time off from the regular customers and do

this for us.

A floozy?

You bet your sweet thermometer, honey.

I mean, you should never have tried to pass yourself off as a doctor.

You didn't even know what a Thermidor bypass was.

Chop, I worked hard.

I did,

and I can prove it.

I learned a marvelous new way to test people for disorders of the inner ear.

That's right.

Off the shoulder to me. It's amazing.

What is it you do?

Well, um, we can do it. Look, let's use these nutcrackers.

Okay? Hold those in your hands and hold them right out in front of you, Bill.

You too, Maude. Hold them right out in front of you. Like this? Way out. That's

right. Now, your right foot. Lift your right foot up and down.

No, yeah, while you hold those out. Up and down.

Up and down.

Up and down. Now, while you're doing that, keep doing it. Cough.

was taped in Hollywood before a live audience.