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1
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Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.
2
00:00:07,230 --> 00:00:10,170
She didn't care if the whole world
looked.
3
00:00:10,730 --> 00:00:16,410
Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.
4
00:00:17,850 --> 00:00:22,810
Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?
5
00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:24,370
Oh, yeah.
6
00:00:24,670 --> 00:00:29,450
When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.
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00:00:29,810 --> 00:00:31,150
And then there's more.
8
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Well,
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here we are, fellas.
10
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:54,680
Ta -da!
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00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,580
Get a load of this, Walter. The finest
hotel in Pittsburgh.
12
00:00:57,860 --> 00:00:58,860
It should be.
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00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,140
$60 a day for this room.
14
00:01:01,660 --> 00:01:02,700
Well, look on the bright side, Walter.
15
00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:05,980
If your business trip and my medical
convention hadn't come up on the same
16
00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:07,360
weekend, we wouldn't be able to share
expenses.
17
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,960
50 -50, even -steven, right down the
line.
18
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:14,479
Oh, sure.
19
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:15,480
That's all right. I got a quarter.
20
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:19,680
There you are, Philip.
21
00:01:20,740 --> 00:01:22,860
You owe me 12 cents, Walter. I'll spring
for the other penny.
22
00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:26,660
Thank you, sir. Don't mention it.
23
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:30,640
I say, Philip, my friend and I are going
to be in town for a couple of days,
24
00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:31,579
see?
25
00:01:31,580 --> 00:01:36,000
We'd like to, uh... Well, we're
wondering where, uh, you know... Yeah,
26
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,620
down at the bar hustling the doctors.
27
00:01:39,820 --> 00:01:40,820
Oh, no!
28
00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:42,360
Oh, no, no, you don't understand.
29
00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:45,520
See, we're just in town from Tuckahoe,
New York, and we'd like to hit some of
30
00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:46,580
the hot spots in Pittsburgh.
31
00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:51,640
Tuckahoe? Well, in that case, the House
of Pies is open till 10 .30.
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This knob is loose. I'll have
maintenance up to fix it. Okay.
33
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:00,600
You want to go to the House of Pies,
Walter?
34
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:02,280
I don't think I want to go to the House
of Pies.
35
00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:08,340
Hey, we've read it fresh enough, baby.
We're going out on the town.
36
00:02:09,180 --> 00:02:10,180
What about your convention?
37
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,520
Aren't you going to the opening
ceremonies?
38
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,099
Oh, sure.
39
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,100
But only for a minute.
40
00:02:15,740 --> 00:02:18,660
You know, the only reason I bother with
these things at all is to keep on the
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00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:21,300
good side of the pharmaceutical houses
so they'll keep sending me free samples.
42
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,440
There is nothing duller than a medical
convention.
43
00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:37,680
hotel's on fire.
44
00:02:39,020 --> 00:02:40,020
Wait a second.
45
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:42,560
Is that Ted?
46
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:48,100
I thought I recognized that voice. You
old son of a gun.
47
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,000
Boozer?
48
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,080
That's great.
49
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,960
1506? Well, we're right across the hall,
1504. Come on over.
50
00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,320
Ted and Boozer, my old roommates from
medical school.
51
00:03:00,740 --> 00:03:02,520
Great guys for practical jokes.
52
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,340
Oh, boy, when I think of some of the
stunts that we pulled in college.
53
00:03:06,250 --> 00:03:07,470
I'll bet you were quite a card.
54
00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:08,730
Oh, I was a regular. Go to hell.
55
00:03:10,970 --> 00:03:12,850
But Ted, he was a crazy one.
56
00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:18,150
I remember one time old Ted, see, he got
up in the middle of the night and he
57
00:03:18,150 --> 00:03:22,730
snuck into the urology lab, see, and he
poured grapefruit juice into all the
58
00:03:22,730 --> 00:03:23,730
specimens.
59
00:03:25,670 --> 00:03:29,690
The next day they announced that 500
students were suffering from
60
00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:34,370
I wonder doctors like medical school so
much. Yeah.
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00:03:35,020 --> 00:03:36,400
Graduation was a real letdown.
62
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,200
Fire! Fire!
63
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:41,800
Fire!
64
00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:44,040
Fire!
65
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:45,840
Fire!
66
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:47,680
Fire! Fire!
67
00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:49,780
Come on!
68
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,880
We're the boys of the AMA. We serve the
rich and poor.
69
00:03:58,140 --> 00:04:01,760
But as we sit, you better be rich if you
expect what you're...
70
00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:27,850
Doesn't he look great, Boozer? Great.
71
00:04:28,130 --> 00:04:29,910
Twinkie? They used to call you Twinkie?
72
00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:31,250
Yeah, that's right.
73
00:04:31,930 --> 00:04:34,170
Because I was a star.
74
00:04:35,950 --> 00:04:37,550
I used to say that all the time.
75
00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:39,470
Hey, let me introduce you guys.
76
00:04:39,890 --> 00:04:41,150
This is Dr. Ted Wicker.
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00:04:41,630 --> 00:04:42,630
Dr. Boozer Bailey.
78
00:04:43,170 --> 00:04:45,190
This is Dr.
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00:04:45,450 --> 00:04:46,189
Walter Finley.
80
00:04:46,190 --> 00:04:47,190
Huh? Yeah.
81
00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:49,450
The doc and I came down from Tuckahoe
together.
82
00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:52,470
Well, any friend of Twinkie's is a
friend of mine. Yeah, hi.
83
00:04:53,170 --> 00:04:54,630
What's your specialty, Dr. Finley?
84
00:04:54,910 --> 00:04:55,910
Face splitting.
85
00:04:59,870 --> 00:05:02,110
You know, if that wasn't so true, it'd
be a classic.
86
00:05:03,910 --> 00:05:04,990
Actually, I'm in appliances.
87
00:05:05,810 --> 00:05:06,810
Appliances.
88
00:05:07,610 --> 00:05:10,450
Appliances. That's one of Walter's
favorite jokes.
89
00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:12,570
He's a cardiologist.
90
00:05:13,010 --> 00:05:15,830
Yeah. You know, if we can't fix it here,
we'll have to take it back to the shop.
91
00:05:19,550 --> 00:05:20,850
I'm an orthopedic man.
92
00:05:21,350 --> 00:05:22,550
Yeah, I get all the breaks.
93
00:05:29,780 --> 00:05:33,220
Boozer here is a GP, an OB, and an SOB.
94
00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:36,800
Specialist on booze.
95
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,000
Well,
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00:05:42,660 --> 00:05:45,740
actually, I'm Tuckahoe's leading
specialist in heart transplants.
97
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,720
I take out the old ones and stick in the
new ones. I'm a ticker sticker.
98
00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:02,220
Say, you guys still do a lot of
Thermidor bypass operations?
99
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:06,100
Thermidor bar... All the time.
100
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:07,879
Uh -huh.
101
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,200
Hey, look at the time. We'd better get
downstairs.
102
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:11,900
Go ahead. We'll be down in a minute.
103
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:15,920
Oh, this is the old bachelor's trick.
104
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,780
The loose doorknob gag.
105
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,700
Still the same old go -to -hell twinkie.
106
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,980
I'll bet the bellboy forgot to report
it.
107
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:32,740
Room clerk, listen, the doorknob is
broken in room 1504. Would you send
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00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:33,740
up to fix it, please?
109
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:37,040
Look, I don't want any excuses. This is
Dr. Finley.
110
00:06:38,820 --> 00:06:40,480
What if I got called on an emergency?
111
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,560
I'm sorry, Dr. Finley. We're very busy
tonight.
112
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,900
One of your crew threw soap chips into
the fish pond.
113
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,840
And another one drank the lobby
chandelier with toilet paper.
114
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,820
I'll get someone up there as soon as I
can.
115
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,580
Okay, but make it snappy.
116
00:06:58,030 --> 00:06:59,030
doc. So long, doc.
117
00:06:59,270 --> 00:07:00,270
Hey, don't close it.
118
00:07:02,310 --> 00:07:04,050
Holy hell!
119
00:07:05,310 --> 00:07:07,350
They fell for my joke. They really think
you're a doctor.
120
00:07:08,250 --> 00:07:10,230
I love pulling one on those two goofers.
121
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:12,190
Walter, you were beautiful.
122
00:07:12,510 --> 00:07:15,690
Hey, by the way, what's a Thermidor
bypass operation?
123
00:07:17,130 --> 00:07:19,890
Uh, oh, forget it, Walter. It's too
complicated for you.
124
00:07:20,750 --> 00:07:23,910
Well, anyway, you know, I always wanted
to be a doctor, but why did you have to
125
00:07:23,910 --> 00:07:25,170
make me a heart specialist?
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00:07:25,510 --> 00:07:27,590
I kind of thought I'd like to be a
pediatrician.
127
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,000
Yeah? You like kids? No. Young mothers.
128
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:38,340
Which reminds me, I gotta call Maude.
Okay. I'll see you later, Doc.
129
00:07:44,460 --> 00:07:49,120
We use all these creams and things.
Popular Beauty magazine guarantees this
130
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,300
treatment will work. I know, Vivian.
131
00:07:51,580 --> 00:07:56,000
Well, after this facial, I'll look at
least 20 minutes younger.
132
00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,000
Give me your finger here.
133
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:03,940
Now, I know this is unusual, but it says
right here, it causes enough
134
00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:08,280
inflammation to create a slight swelling
just enough to stretch the skin and
135
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,420
reduce the wrinkles on your face for an
evening.
136
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,600
Oh, well, if we're going to get rid of
our wrinkles, you better have a good
137
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:14,600
supply in stock.
138
00:08:15,860 --> 00:08:16,860
What is it?
139
00:08:17,820 --> 00:08:18,820
Preparation H.
140
00:08:41,070 --> 00:08:42,210
including your preparation aid.
141
00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:49,890
Listen, I gotta tell you, I just pulled
the greatest practical joke board.
142
00:08:50,190 --> 00:08:53,190
Well, actually, it's Arthur's idea, and
he really should get the credit. But all
143
00:08:53,190 --> 00:08:55,510
of his buddies here think I'm a doctor.
They think I'm Dr.
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00:08:55,790 --> 00:08:56,790
Findlay.
145
00:08:57,030 --> 00:08:58,310
Vivian, the moondrop bomb.
146
00:08:59,170 --> 00:09:02,890
Honey, that's wonderful. I'm so glad
you're having a good time playing doctor
147
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:03,890
with your little friends.
148
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:13,520
needs fixing? Yeah.
149
00:09:13,980 --> 00:09:15,320
I'll call you back, Maude.
150
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:19,140
It's the doorknob. It keeps coming
loose. Oh.
151
00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:21,680
Well, let's see what's wrong now.
152
00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:26,740
You're one of them doctors here at the
convention, huh?
153
00:09:27,180 --> 00:09:31,100
Oh, you mean you can tell just by
looking at me that I'm a doctor?
154
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:36,560
Yeah. You guys are sure raising hell in
this hotel, aren't you? Well, maybe some
155
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:37,560
of the boys are.
156
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,920
But most of us are interested in saving
human lives.
157
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,140
That's so nice. You know, most people
today...
158
00:13:22,730 --> 00:13:24,910
That's no way to treat a patient, even
if he's dead.
159
00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:32,890
I don't know what I'm doing. It's the
shock, I guess. Now, there's no reason
160
00:13:32,890 --> 00:13:33,769
be upset.
161
00:13:33,770 --> 00:13:35,290
I'm sure you did everything you could.
162
00:13:35,910 --> 00:13:37,250
You gave him digitalis.
163
00:13:39,770 --> 00:13:40,770
No.
164
00:13:41,350 --> 00:13:42,530
You gave him heart massage.
165
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,490
No.
166
00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:49,590
You mean you just let the man die just
to avoid a malpractice suit?
167
00:13:52,810 --> 00:13:54,330
Case of manslaughter, Dr.
168
00:13:54,570 --> 00:13:55,570
Finley.
169
00:14:25,420 --> 00:14:27,600
get the body out of the room. How are we
going to get the body out of the room?
170
00:15:52,270 --> 00:15:56,170
The handyman just had a heart attack and
died in this room, and I couldn't do
171
00:15:56,170 --> 00:15:58,390
anything for him. I just watched him
die.
172
00:15:58,850 --> 00:16:02,510
Oh, no, Walter. I was impersonating a
doctor.
173
00:16:03,810 --> 00:16:06,510
Could I get into trouble for doing
something like this?
174
00:16:06,790 --> 00:16:08,190
Oh, you sure can, Walter.
175
00:16:09,090 --> 00:16:11,870
Boy, you see, if you'd been a real
doctor and you'd let the man die, you'd
176
00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:12,870
the clear.
177
00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:22,710
wouldn't be your patient.
178
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,830
Oh, there you are, fella. I know how you
feel.
179
00:16:26,810 --> 00:16:29,090
You're afraid, you're alone, you're in
trouble.
180
00:16:29,970 --> 00:16:30,970
You need support.
181
00:16:32,030 --> 00:16:33,030
I'll call Maude.
182
00:16:33,830 --> 00:16:36,270
You talk to her, tell her all about it.
It'll make you feel better.
183
00:16:37,890 --> 00:16:39,270
Maude, yes, my Maude.
184
00:16:40,070 --> 00:16:41,550
I'll go check with Ted and Boozer.
185
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:48,440
there's such a thing as a thermidor
bypass operation?
186
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:50,840
No.
187
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:59,140
This guy, this guy must really be dense
to think he can pass himself off as a
188
00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:00,140
doctor.
189
00:18:00,300 --> 00:18:04,060
Oh, now, wait a minute. You can't blame
Walter. Anybody who'd try that is a
190
00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:06,100
complete numbskull. A total jerk.
191
00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:08,220
A first -class slughead.
192
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,800
I told him not to do it, but he wouldn't
listen.
193
00:18:15,630 --> 00:18:18,230
Polanski fractured his toe and we gave
him breakaway crutches.
194
00:18:20,950 --> 00:18:24,890
All right, all right. You had your
little laugh on Walter. Now, it's not
195
00:18:25,210 --> 00:18:27,670
I'm going to go and tell him. No, no,
no. Not yet, Twiggy.
196
00:18:28,230 --> 00:18:30,850
First, he's going to get a visit from
Charlie's widow.
197
00:18:31,870 --> 00:18:33,750
Oh, now that's not funny.
198
00:18:34,390 --> 00:18:36,830
They found me a widow hustling down in
the bar.
199
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:40,390
For 50 bucks, she's going to take time
off from the regular customers and do
200
00:18:40,390 --> 00:18:41,390
this for us.
201
00:18:46,510 --> 00:18:47,510
A floozy?
202
00:19:27,530 --> 00:19:29,510
You bet your sweet thermometer, honey.
203
00:22:48,750 --> 00:22:51,250
I mean, you should never have tried to
pass yourself off as a doctor.
204
00:22:52,150 --> 00:22:54,430
You didn't even know what a Thermidor
bypass was.
205
00:24:24,300 --> 00:24:25,560
Chop, I worked hard.
206
00:24:25,940 --> 00:24:26,940
I did,
207
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,200
and I can prove it.
208
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,020
I learned a marvelous new way to test
people for disorders of the inner ear.
209
00:24:33,220 --> 00:24:34,079
That's right.
210
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:35,700
Off the shoulder to me. It's amazing.
211
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:37,360
What is it you do?
212
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,640
Well, um, we can do it. Look, let's use
these nutcrackers.
213
00:24:42,340 --> 00:24:45,560
Okay? Hold those in your hands and hold
them right out in front of you, Bill.
214
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,760
You too, Maude. Hold them right out in
front of you. Like this? Way out. That's
215
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,940
right. Now, your right foot. Lift your
right foot up and down.
216
00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:54,440
No, yeah, while you hold those out. Up
and down.
217
00:24:55,020 --> 00:24:55,999
Up and down.
218
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,260
Up and down. Now, while you're doing
that, keep doing it. Cough.
219
00:25:35,210 --> 00:25:37,530
was taped in Hollywood before a live
audience.
17406
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