Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's... That uncompromising, enterprising, anything

but tranquilizer. No, no, no.

I don't care. Walter!

No, I don't care if it is Vivian's dog. The next time they go on a trip, let

them take that dumb dog with them. Walter.

Walter, Walter. Listen, you are not...

I'm going to hit that poor puppy with a newspaper.

If there's anything I cannot abide, it is cruelty to animals.

I don't need a newspaper, Mort.

Let me in there, Mort.

Look what that animal did to my best tie.

Did he go for one of my two or three dollar ties?

No, he bit my Gucci.

There, I bit your Gucci, too.

Now hit me instead.

I love you too much to hit you with a newspaper.

But if you don't let me alone, I'll chain you to a tree in the backyard.

How about a cup of coffee instead?

A cup of coffee instead.

Honey.

Honey, you know you can't hit Viv's dog.

Chuck is 11 years old. In human terms, that makes him 77.

Now, what's he doing here?

He should be at a bungalow at Retirement Village.

I mean, ever since they left last week, I've been very patient with Chuck. And

all he's done is growl and snarl at everybody.

He's nipped me and you at least twice. Come on. Honey, you know that Vivian has

always encouraged Chuck to express his personality.

And while you may not like it, well, you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Which, if you'll remember, is what I pointed out to you at 2 .30 this

You old dog, you.

More, I refuse to be seduced with admiration.

Honey, now I'll admit, Chuck is really not a nice dog. As a matter of fact,

probably the most vicious animal in the entire world. But, sweetheart, dogs are

just like people.

Really, no matter how bad they are, you can always find something good in them

if you look deep enough.

Okay, Maude, you tell me one good thing about Chuck. One good thing.

You know, honey, in a world where so many people mistreat pets, I think it's

refreshing that Vivian can still love a dog.

whom we now know to be the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler.

Here's little Chucky's supper, straight from the butcher.

You owe me $8 .50.

$8 .50?

Doesn't that dumb dog realize we just bottomed out on the recession?

I tried to get him to listen to President Ford's speeches, but they put

sleep, too.

It's chopped cereal.

Now, I promised Vivian that I'd get him some every once in a while.

Hello? Viv!

It's Viv.

Yeah, hi, honey. How are you?

Yes, yes, yes.

Chuckie's just fine. Where are you?

But you weren't due back until tomorrow.

Oh, you miss Chuck too much.

Oh, of course he misses you, Viv. Of course. Every morning I show him your

picture and he goes... That's right.

Oh, and Vivian, I miss you too.

Bye. See you in a bit.

Oh, oh.

Arthur and Vivian are at a gas station on the thruway. Here, Walter, before

get here, take Chucky out for a little walk. I already took him for a walk this

morning. Yeah, but honey, he'll probably get excited when he sees Viv.

So if he's going to get excited, I'd like him to get excited after he's had a

little walk.

Oh, listen.

Now that Chuck is leaving, can we have his chopped sirloin for dinner?

No. I'm going to freeze it and save it for your wedding.

Part of your dowry.

Two and a half pounds of chopped sirloin? I can have any man I want.

Oh, he forgot Chuck's sweater.

Walter!

Honey, you forgot Chuck's sweater.

Here, sweetie, put this on Chuck. Where is Chuck?

Don't think Chuck is quite up to going for a walk this morning. Why not?

He's dead.

It's so funny the things that cross your mind at a time like this.

For example, right now I'm thinking how nice it would be if you could get to the

Bermuda Triangle by station wagon.

Oh, my God.

Viv, what do I tell Viv?

You tell her the truth. He died happy, Maude. There's a little snarl on his

face.

Walter, you don't understand.

friend in the whole world who trusts me that the dog she left in my care is... I

can't even say it myself.

How do I tell her?

Then let's not tell her. Let's just leave him out on the front steps.

You live with a man for six and a half years.

Think you know him inside and out. Like that, you find out you're married to the

swimming star of Jaws.

Okay, Maud, then tell her anything you want.

Tell her that Chuck is on that big gravy train to heaven.

It's only a dog. He is not a dog to Vivian. To Vivian, he is her baby.

She's going to blame me for this, and she'll be right. It's all my fault.

What are you talking about? I should never have agreed to let Chuck sleep in

den last night. He should have slept up in the bedroom with us.

I mean, maybe he would have coughed or done something to let us know that he

ill. Maud.

When we're together, in a moment of extreme privacy, I resent having my ear

licked by a fox terrier.

Come on, he was 77 years old. He died of old age.

You always have an excuse for your lust.

Oh, Mrs. Nogatuck.

Yes, ma 'am?

I'm afraid I have some rather bad news about Chuck.

What's that vicious beast done now?

He's died.

going to tell her?

Gently, of course.

Maybe we could break it to her gradually.

Gradually?

Gradually?

Walter,

what are you laughing? Oh, good God, Walter. What? I'm not laughing at

death, but what she just said about breaking the news gradually reminds me

classic old joke, and it's this situation exactly. A joke, Walter? What

talking about? Let me tell you the joke.

A man went away on a trip, and he left his cat with his brother.

And the man used to call every night to find out how the cat was.

So one night he called. He said, how's my cat?

And the brother said, the cat got hit by a car and died.

And the man got furious with his brother because he explained the news so

bluntly. So the brother said, how should I have told you? And the man said,

well, when I called, you could have said the cat's on the roof and we can't get

it down.

Then the next day when I called, you could have said the cat fell off the

But the vet's trying to patch him up. And then the third day when I called,

could have said.

The cat passed away.

And that way, I would have been prepared for it, don't you see?

Well, the brother apologized for being so thoughtless. And the man said, okay,

okay.

By the way, how's Mom?

And the brother said, Mom's on the roof and we can't get her.

Oh,

Mrs. Nogget, I mean, this is hardly the time.

it to the backyard this morning.

Then I shall go and pay my final tribute to him. For the last time, I

shall use his super duper pooper stupor.

Are you okay?

Oh, I guess so. I mean, now that the shock is over.

it up, will you, Vivian? Listen, I'm starving.

You know, she was in such a hurry to get home to her Chuck, she wouldn't even

let me stop for an ice cream cone.

Yeah, we passed 29, 31 flavors.

All right, sir.

Honestly, is that all you can think about feeding your stomach? Oh, I miss

little poopsie poopsie.

Just look at this mug. Look, look, look at the little present I bought Chuck.

It's a little raincoat and four little galoshes.

They're not too big. You know, Chuck's not going to grow anymore.

How true.

I think she loves that dumb mutt more than she does me.

Where is my Chuckie Wookiee?

Chuckie Wookiee, where are you? Look, Vivian.

Vivian, I am not going to beat around the bush.

Vivian, we're two adults who can face the truth and not run away from it.

Vivian.

Vivian, I'm going to level with you.

Chuck's on the roof and we can't get out.

Vivian, say something. It's been two hours.

Vivian, I said I'm sorry. I mean, I did everything but get down on my hands and

knees and beg your forgiveness.

Vivian, haven't I responded to your every whim?

At 1 .35, you muttered the word funeral.

At exactly 1 .36, I said, this is my treat, and I called the pet cemetery.

Oh, Vivian.

Vivian will give... Chuck a farewell he'll never forget.

Well, you know what I mean.

Oh, Vivian.

Vivian, if you could only cry. Just let it all out.

Look, Viv, here. My best Kleenex in the boutique box. I was saving it for

company. Here, go ahead, honey. Use it. Oh,

what's the use? It's like talking to a bathroom tile.

person from the pet cemetery gets here, I've put Chuck in the garage.

I laid him to rest in a shopping bag.

From Bloomingdale's.

Just hope United Parcel doesn't pick him up and leave us a credit.

Hey, this is a terrific hamburger, Marty.

Oh, boy. Chopped sirloin.

How come we don't eat like this?

You always serve ground chuck.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, when's Walter coming back? He's been gone an hour. I don't know. Arthur,

please, isn't there something you can do to get her out of this?

Oh, sure.

Vivian?

Cupcake?

Listen to me.

Chuck is gone.

Nothing can bring him back.

With the possible exception of United Parcel.

My tea is for the living.

Ask anybody.

Here, I know.

Have a bite of my hamburger. That'll cheer you up.

It's all right. Go ahead. Get mad. Get angry. That'll cure your depression. Go

ahead. Get mad at me.

It wouldn't be hard.

Here, my chuck is gone and you sit there feeding your fat stupid face.

Don't blame Arthur. Oh, shut up, Maud.

Back to me already.

Neither one of you knows how I feel or even cares how I feel. I care. I'll

me alone.

All right.

Vivian, I'm going home to watch the football game, which starts in exactly

minutes. Now, Vivian, I order you to snap out of that snit before game time.

Now, Vivian.

Vivian, I...

Honey, I want you to know how sorry I am about Chuck. I really am.

I'm going to miss the little click -click of his toenails on the linoleum.

to let his toenails grow and grow.

I was just trying to cheer you up, Viv.

Excuse me.

Go right ahead. I'm all right now.

I was just overreacting. I was in shock, but now I'm perfectly all right. I'm

completely calm. And I shall hate you for the rest of my life.

Mrs. Finley?

Yes. Mrs.

Carlson.

Customer relations person?

Perpetual Pet Cemetery?

Oh, yes, please. Come right in. Come right in.

Are you the bereaved?

No, I'm just a friend of the family's.

Mrs. Harmon there is the owner of the deceased.

How do you do, Mrs. Harmon?

You have my very deepest sympathies. Thank you.

Uh, Mrs. Carlson, we would prefer to have the funeral just as soon as

perhaps in the next 24 hours.

Oh, was the deceased Jewish?

No, he was a fox terrier.

Which I guess would make him Presbyterian, why do you ask?

have given their pets their religion, you see.

Chucky wasn't really very religious, but we'll still have a nice ceremony, won't

we? Oh, yes. Yes, of course, Mrs. Harmon.

We are an equal opportunity cemetery.

We take all kinds.

Dog, cat, hamsters, snakes.

Why, just last week, we laid to rest a 34 -foot python.

A 34?

Where did you bury him? In the Holland Tunnel?

Cavender Harmon, the third.

Well, Charles will get the very best of everything.

After all, he does deserve it.

You know, I think the now deceased American poet Nick Kenny said it so

beautifully, don't you?

Dog by Nick Kenny.

When everything is said and done, I guess it isn't odd.

For when you spell dog backwards...

You will get the name of God.

That's so inspiring, isn't it, Maude? It's beautiful.

That should be printed on every bottle of Pepto -Bismol in this country.

Poor little Chuck.

I'll never, never forget him. His tail will always wag in my heart.

Oh!

That is really just lovely.

May I be so presumptuous as to suggest that that would make a beautiful epitaph

on little Chuck's tombstone?

What tombstone?

May I be so presumptuous as to ask what all of this is going to cost?

Oh, will you be paying for the deceased?

That's the least I can do.

She killed my dog.

Mrs. Carlson, Chuck was 77 years old, and he died of old age. I mean, you

understand. Oh, of course. Of course, of course, Mrs. Finley. The most important

thing is that you're willing to pay for the burial costs of your victim.

Now then, our deluxe I Love Lassie rest in peace package,

including a polystyrene... moisture -proof casket, ground burial,

all -weather astroturf, and a black marble headstone will come to only $250.

Only $250?

And we are on the diner's club.

Listen, Vivian, I'm telling you right now, I know how you... feel, but I am

paying any $250 to bury a dog. May I just remind you, Maude Finley, that dog

God spelled backwards. And may I remind you, Vivian Harmon, that macadamia

spelled backwards is Minneapolis, but it is still a nut.

Wait a minute.

Macadamia. I made it up.

I mean, you're behaving as though animals are more important than people.

Sometimes I think they are.

Not cheap. There was no Watergate in the animal kingdom.

All right. All right. When my time comes, instead of Woodlawn Cemetery,

to be sent to the Bronx Zoo.

Too late. The buffalo cages are already full.

Vivian, dog spelled backwards will get you for that.

So do your prices.

Well, you wouldn't want the pauper's package, would you?

Pauper's package?

Plain wooden box.

Plain? Unmarked grave.

Unmarked? No astroturf. No astroturf? $119 .50. I'll take it. Sign here.

I'm warning you, you're going to get laughs at the funeral.

Mrs. Harmon?

a beautiful tribute to Chuck. Oh, thank you so much for understanding.

Uh, Mrs. Carlson, you'll find Chuck out in the garage in a Bloomingdale's bag.

Oh, I hope I'm not too late. The last time someone did that, it was picked up

United Parcel.

Vivian!

Vivian, Vivian, Vivian!

Vivian, look what I brought you!

Oh, Walter!

How could you be so insensitive?

Don't you know I could never replace Chuck?

Vivian. Oh, I don't even want to look at that puppy.

Vivian, I don't understand. I mean, you love dogs. Walter, Chuck's wet little

nose is barely even dry.

Vivian. Vivian, what the hell is wrong with you?

Vivian, for seven days, we spent every waking moment taking care of Chuck. I

just got through paying $119 .50 for his funeral. And now Walter...

who incidentally felt about Chuck the way I feel about the Johnny Man Singers.

I love them.

Trouble and expense to get you this cute little puppy because he loves you, Viv,

and he wants you to be happy.

Now you say you don't want it. Vivian, I have had it. I have really had it with

you. Nobody who truly loves animals could be that insensitive to Walter.

All right, Mrs. Dog Lover, Walter will just have to take it back.

Vivian. Walter, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm afraid to let myself become

attached to another dog.

Vivian. Walter, I owe you an apology.

I'm sorry.

for being so thoughtless and selfish.

But, you know, you know nothing could ever really spoil our feelings for each

other.

You're just the best friend anybody ever had in this world, and I'll always love

you no matter what you do.

I'll take the puppy now. Get your hands off my dog!

Nobody is going to take little Wally away from me.

call yourself Don or Harry or Bob or Fido.

Come

on,

little Wally, cut it out.

Come on, quit kissing my ear, little Wally.

Come on, stop.

Maude.

Hey, Maude, would you call off your dog?

Walter, have you forgotten we gave little Wally to Vivian this afternoon?

Maud was taped in Hollywood before a live audience.