Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider, she didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc was the lord to guide her, she was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner, ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh yeah!

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's more!

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Right or not.

Billion congratulations on your second anniversary.

I love the way you fixed up the rumpus room.

Oh, well, thank you, Reverend.

But if you'll excuse me just a minute, I was fighting with my husband. I mean, I

was talking with my husband.

Excuse me.

Arthur, dear.

Arthur. Arthur Harmon, you are drinking too much. Enough, enough, enough.

Please. Not in front of the guests.

And besides that, how could you?

How could I what?

How could you be so stupid as to invite two people who are getting a divorce to

the same party?

Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Charlie.

Oh, humps, Vivian.

I say custard, mustard, and humps.

Hump yourself.

How could you be so idiotic as to invite Walter to our anniversary party when

you knew very well I'd invited Maude? I knew.

You twit.

Twit? Yes.

Mrs. Holman. Oh, your rumpus room looks ever so festive. Well, thank you, Mrs.

Nogatuck, and I do appreciate your coming over to help us this evening, but

you'll excuse me just now, I'm having a fight with my twit.

He just informed me that he invited Mr.

Findlay here this evening.

You mean that neither Mr.

Findlay nor Mrs. Findlay know the other one's coming? Exactly.

Twit!

Mr. Harmon, you really are a twit.

Oh, poor Maude. She's going to be so embarrassed.

Serves her right.

Hi there, Doris. Hi, Doris.

If she hadn't insisted on running for the State Senate against Walter's

they wouldn't be living apart at each other's throats.

They'd be together at each other's throats.

Sir, she only wants a career, a chance to grow and be somebody.

Why does she have to grow and be somebody?

Why can't she be like you?

The wife of a twit?

That's the funniest punchline to a story I've heard in years.

The wife of a twit.

How do you think Walter's going to feel when he sees Maude with Senator Myers?

Vivian.

Are Marty and Senator Myers, you know, as the kids say, making out?

Don't be silly. He's a senator.

Senators don't do things like that.

He's just advising Maude with her campaign, you twit.

Is that Maude?

Either that or the foundation's cracking.

What do President Ford and Henry Kissinger have in common?

Neither of them speaks English.

Oh, Vivian Arthur.

Happy, happy anniversary.

Thank you, Morgan.

Oh, look, vote for Maude. I'd love that.

Bob, I'd like you to meet my two dearest friends in the whole world, Viv and Dr.

Arthur Harmon.

This is Bob Myers, Senator Bob Myers.

He jogs five miles every day.

Ten on Sunday.

After church, of course.

Isn't that fascinating?

A religious health nut.

Doctor? Senator!

Do you know something?

You're the cutest senator I ever met.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Arnold.

Maybe you're right, Arthur. Maybe they do make out.

Hey, Senator, where are all those funny X's on top of your head?

Oh, I'm glad you asked me. Those aren't X's. Those are hair.

Those are hair transplants that the Senator has had sewn to his scalp. Had

personal pain to him. For the old charisma, you know.

As if he needed it. A man in his physical condition.

Do you know that he confided in me that he has never, ever coughed in his entire

life? Really? Except, of course, during his annual physical checkups.

Hey, Senator, how much did those transplants run you in Washington?

How about those D .C. bandits charge you $50 a follicle?

Oh, Senator, pay no attention to my twitty old husband.

I think your pretend hair looks very nice.

Pussycat, don't you think you'd better watch your drinking?

Yeah, better. I just took my eye off it and it's empty already.

Hey, Fuzzy, come on, I'll buy you one.

All right.

I think I'll have a Republican drink.

How do you make a Republican drink?

Elect a Democrat.

Do you know that he does 200 push -ups every night before he goes to sleep?

I'll bet.

Maude, come here just a minute. I've got to tell you something.

Reverend McAllister, here, pin this on your collar.

Maude, would you stop campaigning long enough for me to tell you something?

My doll!

Oh, Judy, I'm sorry.

How is that toe?

You know, I haven't seen you since you accidentally shot yourself at the gun

control center.

Hi, Maude.

Maude. Maude, now.

Now.

Susan! Hi, Susan.

You know, Vivian, Senator Bob has been mentioned as a possible dark horse

candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination.

Really? Right behind Kennedy and Jackson and Muskie and Harris.

And Carter and Humphrey and Benson and Wallace and

McGovern.

Askew and Sanders.

And Brown and McCarthy and Assemblyman Julius Weinglatt of Duluth, Minnesota.

But the smart money is split between Bob and Julius.

Listen,

listen.

Arthur invited Walter here tonight.

Walter? Walter. Your Walter.

Well, I certainly didn't think you meant Mrs. Cronkite's Walter.

I love him.

Walter is coming here? Yes. This is really great. This is really great,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I know how upset you are, Ma, but at least just think, when Walter

sees that gorgeous senator, he will die. He'll just absolutely die. Vivian, do

you think I'm interested in making Walter jealous? It's my life we're

about, Vivian. This isn't some 1940 movie.

Hey, Walter Finley, you old...

Oh, he's here. Now that's Walter.

Vivian, Vivian, there is no need to panic. I'll simply just get lost in the

crowd. He probably won't even notice me.

What's happening?

Oh, nothing, nothing. The man who's coming in is Walter.

Norman! Walter, how are you? Norman!

Norman!

This is Kathy Griffiths. This is Norman Johnson. How are you? Nice to meet you.

What a crazy rumpus room. It looks like the ladies' lounge at Trader Vic's.

Isn't she sensational?

What do you think of him, Bob?

Oh, he's all right.

I think he brought his daughter.

He doesn't have a daughter.

Does he have a niece?

Yes. I think he brought his niece.

She better be three years old.

Oh, good evening, Mr.

Finlay. Mrs. Noggett, Doug.

Some rum punch for the child.

I'll pass.

You, Walter?

Oh, I don't drink, Kathy. I have a problem. I'm a reformed alcoholic.

Isn't that nice?

Mrs. Finley's been married to four of those so far.

Happy anniversary.

Thank you very much. I want you to meet Kathy.

Hi.

Isn't she sensational?

She's... That's my mother.

I told you, I told you. Walter, listen. Arthur, it's okay.

Kathy, I want to introduce you to a great lady.

Hello, Mort.

Walter, I had no idea.

How are you? Very well, thank you, Walter.

What? Walter?

Well, look who's not here with each other.

Mort, this is Kathy Rivers. Kathy, this is my wife.

Was my wife.

Kathy Rivers, Walter Findlay. This is Senator Bob Myers.

He jogs 20 miles a day.

Walter?

Maude tells me that you're in appliances.

You know, my staff has been doing a survey, and I'd like your opinion.

Which is the best hairdryer?

You know, Kathy, Walter and I are separated. We're living apart.

We're going to have a divorce, but we're still very good friends.

Oh, I think that's really wholesome. It really is.

You know, Walter and I live in the same building, but we just met a couple of

hours ago in the elevator.

The elevator?

Yes. Oh, but don't worry.

I mean, even though the vibes are great, we haven't even discussed living

together.

You haven't even discussed... Disgust living with each other and you've known

each other for a... Oh, you must feel terribly rejected.

Hey, it's really stupid the way you're so up front with your hostility.

I can really get into that because I believe in total honesty.

You know I believe in total honesty, too.

Far out.

Hubba hubba.

That's 1945 for far out.

Listen to me. If we're really being honest with each other, why did you and

Walter split up?

Kathy, if I level with you, can you handle an honest, gut

-level answer?

Sure.

I came home one night and found him in bed with a horse.

that it is nobody's business what two consenting mammals do in the car.

Hey, lady.

You've got a lot to learn about being honest.

Listen, honey. When you're 49 with a facelift behind you and a long -line bra

front of you, then I'll be honest.

You two have a nice talk? Oh, groovy.

Extraordinarily groovy.

Oh, Walter. Can I have your keys? I left my organic wine in the car.

Organic wine?

Yes, Walter?

Oh, nothing.

Look, you two must have a lot to talk to each other about.

Reverend McAllister.

Senator.

You've been seeing a lot of the senator?

Oh, now, look, Walter, just because the man jogs 35 miles a day... He simply is

helping me out with my campaign.

Well, he just doesn't seem your type, but then politics makes strange

bedfellows.

So does your elevator.

Come on, Maud. There's no reason to be jealous. Look, I don't want to start any

of this. Maud. Walter, I don't want to go through this again. The bitterness.

Walter, just because we meet this way, you with a mousketeer. Maud.

I mean, now you're insanely jealous because I'm here with this terribly

attractive senator who jogs 50 miles a day.

You're talking about the American bald eagle over there?

Look who's talking about hair.

What's wrong with my hair? I paid 20 bucks for this hairstyling.

It's called the Napoleon cut.

That purse you're carrying, you could pass as Josephine.

Come on now, Walter, stop making a fool of yourself. Oh, Maud!

If I want to wear my hair this way, I'll wear it this way.

If I want to wear my...

I'm so happy to see the fiddlers together.

112, 113, 14, 115,

116. Oh, excuse me, sir. Excuse me, Senator.

But there's a call for you from New York City.

It's collect.

It must be from the mayor.

you and Kathy.

You know what I mean.

Does she like old geezers?

Come on, Arthur. She's just a kid.

I feel like a jerk being with Kathy and finding Maude here.

Oh, look at the bright side.

You could be here with Maude and find Kathy here.

It isn't funny, Arthur. I need Maude desperately.

Hey, Walter. I'm just holding it. I'm just holding it.

to see the Chavez.

Me too.

I love his orchestra.

Wow, I'd like to smoke while you're drinking.

I saw Walter and I wanted to get close to him and then I ended up doing exactly

the opposite.

Ward, I want to apologize for upsetting you before.

Would you excuse me, please? I have to go and count the stairs.

Walter, what are you doing with that drink?

What drink?

Oh, nothing. I'm just holding it. It makes me feel comfortable.

Mort, the last thing I wanted to do tonight was upset you.

Because I love you and I miss you. Oh, Walter, that's exactly the way I feel.

Please put that down, Walter.

If we both feel that way, then why are we apart?

Walter, I keep asking myself that same question. Why are we apart?

Why are we doing this to each other? Why is Walter so unreasonable?

Me? Oh, Walter, for once in my life I've been asked to do something worthwhile,

something important. And what do you do? You walk out on me. I didn't walk out,

Maude. You drove me out. I drove you out? Walter, I asked you to come to

with me if I win this election.

Sure. And what about my life here? And how about my life, Walter?

You know, Mort, I can't go on with this anymore.

I mean, no matter how hard I try, it always ends up the same.

There's no sense talking to you. There's no sense talking to me, Walter? There's

no sense talking about us to save our marriage?

That's right, Walter. Go ahead. Go back to your braless wonder.

But remember this, Walter. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Viv.

Viv.

Viv, how long has Walter been off the wagon?

Oh, just about as long as it took him to drain that glass.

Walter, why are you doing this?

Well, I suddenly realized I never toasted our next state senator, Maude

Please, let go. Vivian, I have to go. No, you're too upset. Now, besides,

Arthur's with me. Please, I could never face myself if I didn't at least try,

Viv. Walter, pal, listen.

Alcohol is poison to you.

What do you think you're doing?

Arthur.

Maude.

A pertinent piece of poetry.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Arthur, would you mind?

No, not at all.

Mr.

Findlay? Yes, Mrs. Findlay?

Or should I say ex -Mrs. Findlay? Or semi -ex -Mrs. Findlay?

Walter, what are you doing?

What does it look like? I'm wetting my whistle. Would you like me to wet yours?

Walter.

Let's talk about it. Oh, go sit in your seat in the tent.

Walter, how can I help you if we don't talk?

You can't.

Hey, that suddenly makes me feel good.

Telling you there's something you can't do because you think you can do

everything. No, I don't, Ward. Yes, you do, Ward, everything. You know, like run

for office, move to Albany, live without me, walk around with a dry whistle.

It hasn't been proven that I can live without you, Walter. You shouldn't be

drinking. When I want advice, I'll write to my senator.

And until you're elected, leave me alone, okay?

Hey, Kathy!

Kathy!

Let's go someplace and play wiffle ball.

Wiffle ball? Hey, that's heavy.

Happy anniversary to all!

I'm going with Walter. He needs me to take care of him.

Arthur,

you're not in such great shape yourself.

Vivian, I am a medical doctor.

I have an extremely high tolerance for alcohol.

Oh, Maude.

Don't worry.

Remember... Remember, God protects fools and drunks.

Boy, you're really going to have your hands full tonight.

Hey, I wonder what happened to Kathy You lost her in a football game

Is that an eight or a three?

That's a five.

Then this is it.

Have a terrific time up here with the young chicks, huh?

Do you lure them up here with your tight, hip -hugger slacks?

Huh? You turn the lights down low?

And then when you're kissing them up, do they whisper those sweet youth things

in your ear?

Like, uh, keep on truckin'!

the keys in the lock. Thank heaven. That means he got home all right.

You know, he always leaves his key in the lock, even when he's sober.

It's a bad habit, you know, like some people crack their knuckles or clean

ears with a pencil.

Incidentally, Walter does, too.

Are you all right?

Look, I'm just going to take the keys, drop them off in there, make sure that

he's in no trouble, and then we'll go, okay?

Do you want some help?

If you don't mind, Bob.

He is such a...

I'm

sorry, Maude.

Well, at least when he took her to bed, he... Wanted her to be as tall as I am.