Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizer. Right on, Maud.

Come on, Maudie.

Walter's apartment's right around the corner here. Come on now, Maudie. Come

Come on.

Maud, I know it's been ten days since Walter walked out on you, but don't be

nervous.

Vivian, how can I not be nervous?

I'm not going to a taffy pool.

Well, how can I face him?

I think it's high time you face this problem head on, like an adult.

The Maude Findlay I know is not chicken.

No. On the way home, just don't walk me past Colonel Sanders.

No, Vivian, I can't. I can't. I can't. I mean, I...

I couldn't stand it if Walter thought that I came over here to humble myself

beg him to come home.

Then why on earth did you come?

To humble myself and beg him to come home.

Right. Well, it's up to you to make the first move, Monty. After all, Walter

warned you that he'd walk out if you accepted that bid to run for the state

senate. Arthur.

Arthur Quincy Harmon.

Maude has spent all her 49 years being a housewife and mother. Right, Maude?

Right. And although she's loved doing it, now she has the chance to reach for

new challenge, Arthur, to stretch herself, to test her abilities for the

first time, to run for the state senate.

And this may be her very last chance, Arthur, when you're as old as Maude.

All right, now, come on, Maude. For the sake of your marriage, you've got to

face Walter. No, but Vivian, I... Maude, you promised me as your best friend

that you would come to this place and ring that doorbell and say to Walter, I

love you, please accept me the way I am. Oh, but Vivian, I... That's what you

promised me, that you would say, I love you, please accept me the way I am.

Now, Maude, come on, ring that doorbell. You do not break a promise to your best

friend.

You're right, Vivian.

I love you. Please accept me.

You ain't young enough.

You ain't short enough.

And you ain't dark enough.

Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Vivian, that's the wrong apartment. Oh, all right, all right. Now, Maude, I know

you're nervous, but just think about how miserable you've been without Walter

and how much you miss him.

Sure, think how miserable Walter must be, having to live in one of these

swinging singles' apartments.

I've just been reading in a medical journal what happens to husbands from

homes that wind up in places like this.

They deteriorate physically, they degenerate mentally, and they crumble

emotionally. After one heck of a first year.

Come on, Arthur. This is boys' town for middle -aged boys.

And the highlight of their day is watching the waitress in the coffee shop

over to scoop ice cream.

I haven't seen any swinging chicks here.

He likes my backhand.

He's a dog.

Hi, fellas.

Just visiting, girls?

Oh, no, I live right there next to Wally Finley.

Wally?

Oh, are you here to see Wally Baby?

Oh, oh, Wally Baby!

Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm his wife.

But that shouldn't bother you. And even if you do know Wally Baby that well, I

certainly wouldn't want you to feel, you know, embarrassed or shy or cheap or...

Okay, well, will you just tell him that Jenny has a tennis court reserved for 8

sharp and not to be late?

How quickly one forgets how firm thighs can really be.

All right, now, Maud, come on now. Come on, ring that doorbell. Ring the

doorbell. You won't believe me. No, promise.

We will stick by you through thick and thin. Through thick and thin.

Well, as long as you two are hitting it off... Bye.

Bye.

Thick just left with thin.

Come in.

managing.

How's Carol and Philip? Oh, fine. Just fine.

And Mrs. Naugatuck? Couldn't be better.

Did I forget anyone?

The dry cleaner's bursitis is acting up again.

And the meter reader has pink eye.

I was reading about you in the Tuckahoe Tribune.

They say you're picking up a lot of support for the Democratic primary.

Yes, it's true, Walter. You just wouldn't believe the receptivity I've

getting.

I mean, people I don't even know keep coming up to me and telling me that they

are behind me 100%. They're so happy to be... Why do I keep expecting Omar

Sharif to come out?

The place came furnished. From where? The House of Porn?

Maude, why are you here?

Oh, Walter, frankly, I was worried about you.

Walter, I want you to know that I understand you.

I understand that, well, it can be very upsetting to think about uprooting your

life and moving to Albany if I win this election.

And I understand that this is the first chance you've ever had to really prove

yourself. I understand that, which is something that you don't seem to

understand. That I understand.

But, Walter, I do understand you.

I understand, Walter, that you're threatened by the prospect of having a

who does her own thing. Maude, that's not... No, a wife who is an individual,

Walter. Maude, sit down.

You know, you're like a little girl who wants two things when she knows she can

only have one.

You can't have a marriage in Tuckahoe and a political career in Albany at the

same time. Walter, I have been a wife, and I have been a mother, and I treasure

every moment of it. But, Walter, I can't control the feeling that life holds

something more for me, that I can be something more. You know, Walter, when

study any language, the first verb you learn to conjugate is to be.

Oh, not me, Maude. The first thing I learned in French was voulez -vous

avec moi?

Spanish, I learned. Mi casa es su casa.

You're infuriating. You're infuriating.

Walter, don't you... Don't you realize I came over here to see you?

I came over here to talk to you, Walter.

Oh, Maude.

I'm sorry.

I love you for coming over.

I missed you. I missed you very much.

Oh, Walter.

Oh, darling, you don't know how I needed to hear you say that.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, voulez -vous?

Oui, monsieur.

Oui, monsieur?

That was the second thing I learned.

Walter, I can't tell you what it's been like.

I mean, waking up at night, in the middle of the night, just longing for

touch of your skin, the sound of your voice, Walter, the smell of your

junior.

Walter, Walter.

Maud, let's never spend the night away from each other again. Never, Walter.

Never, never again. Oh, darling, I need you so.

And you know, Walter, you do understand me. I know you do understand. Of course

I do, sweetheart.

You're a real woman, Maud.

Thank you, Walter.

And a real woman belongs with her man.

Making a home for him.

Not in politics.

That's a man's game.

Walter, there's another famous French expression.

Bon voyage.

It'll never work.

It'll never work, Maud.

Why don't we stop kidding ourselves?

I mean, we both know where we're going.

What are you talking about, Walter?

Well, you're committed.

You have to do what you have to do.

But I can't bear a part -time wife.

I'm talking about...

I'm

talking about divorce.

Divorce?

We don't have any other choice.

Walter, how can you love me and talk divorce?

That's because I love you. The divorce is for you.

I'd rather have a McMaster.

What? If we lived the way you wanted, I might end up hating you.

And that would make you hate me, and I don't want you to hate me.

That's how much I love you.

Look, Walter, hate me.

And we'll keep the marriage together like everybody else.

Oh, come on, Walter. This is ridiculous.

This is stupid.

I mean, it's so unnecessary.

There's no other way.

All right, Walter.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

But I'm telling you right now, Walter.

I am not going to cry and break down in hysterics. I will never go through

another divorce like that again.

I will not let you do to me what Chester did to me or Albert did to me or

Barney. Barney died. I know. He was the only husband who knew how to end a

relationship.

Listen to me, Walter. If you're determined to go through with this final

separation, I cannot say that other word than...

Let's be sensible about it, Walter. No tears, no anger.

You're right.

That's the only way to handle it. We were simply facing a situation, Walter,

that neither of us can do anything about.

Nobody's right.

And nobody's wrong.

Damn it, Maude.

Oh, look at the two lovers.

You see, Vivian? You see that?

I told you this would work.

Maude? Walter?

I am very proud to be the person that brought you back together again.

Arthur, we're getting a divorce.

They're lying. I brought them together.

Oh, you're great little kidders, you two. Arthur, she means it. We're getting

divorce.

Oh, you and your big ideas.

That's all your fault, you big...

Bud, why are you crying?

They remind me of how happy we were when we were married.

Oh, Bud, look.

Here's that picture of you and Walter at the appliance convention in Cleveland.

Oh, it's so sad.

Viv, this photo album represents my entire life with Walter.

Vivian, there's nothing to cry about.

The divorce won't be final for a year. All we're doing tonight is just working

out the property settlement with the lawyers.

And who knows, Viv, Walter and I may... You know, all New York State says is no

cohabitation for a year.

Cohabitation. Whoopee.

decided that we're going to treat this final separation as sensibly as

No bitterness, no rancor.

This isn't going to be easy for me, John, but it must be worse for Maude.

And I don't want her to feel any worse than she already does.

Ha ha!

Maude! Walter!

Darling!

Sweetheart! You look sensational!

Well, so do you, flatterer!

you'd charm the husk right off of the corn.

Man!

John Dolan, come in. Mi casa es su casa.

That's my next -door neighbor.

We were watching a Charlie Brown special and... In the end, Snoopy dies of

terminal hairball.

Come in, John.

Come in.

Listen, Maude. You know, this is a very bad scene for me.

I've been your family attorney ever since you two were... God darn you were

married. Oh, John.

Well, it's... I feel awkward representing Walter in a divorce when

to you two.

Well, you...

I intend to make things just as easy as we can for you.

We'll make the cotton easy to pick.

Man!

Oh, this is going to be so much fun.

You know, you're beautiful.

I mean, you are two beautiful people.

You know what I came across today while I was sorting out some of your clothes,

Walter? Look.

Our old photograph album, Walter.

Favorite snapshot in the world, the two of us at the Copacabana.

January 16th, 1968, you remember. You're kidding.

Pink champagne, you in that low -cut gown.

Sandler and Young singing Make Love to Me.

Sandler and Young.

Take me in your arms and never let me go.

Whisper, you know, I never thought I could get so stirred up watching two men

sing to each other.

I don't think we were ever more in love than we were that night, Maude.

Hey, for a couple who are getting a divorce, you two are really something.

Oh,

that's probably my lawyer.

Walter, I hope you don't mind. I got Mason Everhart. He handles all my

Mason! Lord, long time no see.

I know.

This one's lasted almost seven years.

Well,

don't worry, Maude. Someday you'll find the right man.

Oh, I already did find the right man. Oh, yes.

Hello, Walter.

And this is Walter's attorney, John Fogelson.

Counselor. Walter,

is that your Mercedes out there?

No, that happens to be mine.

Oh, well, I may have squeezed you in a little tight there with my Rolls Royce.

Shall we get on with it, Counselor? Fine.

Just keep in mind, this is going to be sensible.

Right, Mark? Right!

Right! Right! Right!

That's why I insisted that we do it here instead of in some stuffy old office.

Now, here's a list of my client's assets before this marriage. I assume you've

advised your client, but he's not entitled to any of these. Oh, come on,

Let's not worry about that. Walter can have anything he wants.

Possessions are meaningless to me. I mean, you think I'm going to quibble

set of Tupperware or a pewter revere bowl?

Where's my sideboard?

I can't find my... Maud, honey, relax. I can't find my... Walter, you know, it's

19th century. A collector's item. It's the first one J .C. Penney ever put out.

Maud, please, it's yours. I don't want anything.

Oh, Walter, Walter, you're being so strong.

No, Walter, please have anything you want. Maud, I don't want anything.

I insist.

Well, if you insist, maybe a few little items for my apartment.

Your apartment?

Like the crystal wine glasses and the Burt Bacharach albums, the Japanese art

books, fancy glasses, romantic records, and dirty books. That's what you want

for that rabid hutch of yours?

Wally, baby?

What do you mean, rabid hutch? Oh, come on, Walter. It's hardly a Christian

science reading room.

Let's just get this whole thing over with. The sooner the better. Yes.

Well, moving right along. Oh, yes.

Well, now, here is the list of my client's current assets.

75 % interest in Friendly Appliances Incorporated.

One 1974 Buick Special.

Savings account at City Savings and Loan.

Forty shares... City Savings and Loan. We don't have an account there.

Well, I do.

Just a small one.

You have a bank account that I don't know about?

I guess I forgot to mention it, that's all. It's nothing, Maude. Play money.

Poker, little gifts for you. Just how much money is in this play account?

Frankly, I don't even remember.

$8 ,000.

You have squirreled away $8 ,000?

Well, don't just sit there. You're my lawyer. Do something legal to him.

I'm doing it.

Maude, why are you making such a big fuss over a measly few thousand dollars?

What about the money you saved up from your real estate job?

Did I do any snooping around trying to find out how much you had? Walter, I

never tried to keep that a secret. $1 ,500.

$2 ,430.

You never really know a man until you divorce him.

All right, Ma, take it all.

My record collection, my dirty books, everything I treasure.

I'm getting out of here.

Where do you think you're going with my album? It's your album. It's my album.

It is my album. This album is all that is left of us. I'm taking it and walking

out of here. You do that and you'll be walking with a decided limp, Walter.

Walter, this is my album. I love this album.

And so do I love it.

Now, folks, please, please don't fight over a few memories.

Deal in hard cash.

Oh, shut up, Evermont.

kind of drugstore lawyer are you anyway? You should have done all this in your

stuffy old office.

As Shakespeare said, when anger comes in the door, reason flies out the window.

Shakespeare also said, kill the lawyers.

And as for you, Mr.

Swiss bank account, I had hopes that these clothes would never leave this

but now I can't wait to get them and you out of here.

What do you say we resume Monday at my office? Oh, yes, fine.

Can it not be all right? Yes, that sounds fine. You know, I think we've

some progress, don't you? Oh, definitely.

It's a good start.

Oh, Maude.

Walter. Now, it's all right.

Everything will be okay. Yes, John and I may have our differences, but we'll

work things out.

What kind of mileage do you get on that road?

Ten to one, Will Rogers never met a lawyer.

Don't blame them, Ward. It's you.

Me? Yeah.

You loused up what could have been a fun evening.

Blame me.

If I'd known you were going to be this ugly in divorce, I never would have

married you in the first place.

Get your hands off my album.

You want these dumb pictures that much? No, I hate you. I loathe them. I despise

them. And the minute you leave, I intend to burn them. But I'll let you have

them. I wouldn't take any of those stupid pictures if you beg me.

Just give me the one from the copa. I want to remember what our life looked

when we were happy.

Never happy, Walter.

Never.

Your information, Walter. I was not smiling at you in this picture, Walter.

I know what you are.