Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

The movie is almost over, Mr. Finley. Your commercial will be on any minute.

Lorraine, Lorraine, don't get so excited.

Lorraine, it's only a commercial. I'm not sure it was even such a good idea.

Finley, baby, don't worry.

You're in the hands of the best advertising agent in this town.

Who do you think made Leo Marcioni the toupee king of Tuckahoe?

I felt kind of funny doing it.

Are you sure we shouldn't use the other one, the more dignified commercial?

Are you crazy?

Wally, this commercial is dynamite. And I'm not talking pow, I'm talking boom!

Did you hear that, Mr. Finley?

I hope it's as good as you think.

I better remind my wife that it's on.

It's going to be great. Just great.

Wouldn't you know it? It's busy.

Her mother is flying in from Boston today, and Ward's probably warning the

neighborhood.

It's on! It's on, Mr.

Billy! It's on!

Wowee, Wally!

Wowee, Wally! Here are Finley's friendly appliances.

Vote! When you see these prices, it's absolutely believable.

The lowest prices in town.

How can I do it? I'm underfinanced and overstocked. That's right, folks.

You've got Wally over a barrel.

Rages, refrigerators, washing machines, and all name brands.

Look at this baby.

The world famous Yoshimoto freeze cane.

100 % American refrigerator.

Only the name is Japanese.

under the plate marked down to 329.

That's a lot, folks.

Wow, you say?

They don't call me Wow -wee Wally for nothing.

So come on down to 932 Marshall Avenue and look for the sign of the giant neon

pop -up toaster. That's Finley's Friendly Appliances free parking, candy

kids, open from 9 to 6. And folks!

I mean, how is Walter's commercial? It's not on for another 15 minutes.

You told me it was on at 2 .56.

Honey, 2 .56 is my mother's flight number.

I distinctly remember because 2 .56 was the room number of the first motel

Walter ever took me to.

It was really crummy.

Well, it's taken you six years to get Grandma down here to meet Walter. I

You know, she couldn't stand any of my first three husbands, which incidentally

was the only thing we ever agreed on.

But I know she's going to adore Walter.

And what are you so nervous about?

Sweetheart, my 48 -year -old relationship with my mother can be

those three little words. I'm sorry, mother.

Well, you're not going to have to say I'm sorry to her about Walter. Oh,

she'll have me saying I'm sorry two minutes after she walks through that

Sweetheart, would you just rub this for me a little right here? What's the

matter? Oh, just a slight touch of mother -itis.

Every time I see my mother, I get a pain in the neck.

I know.

Like you give me sometimes.

Exactly. You know, it's all guilt, Carol.

It starts the moment you're born. The doctor holds you up by the ankles, gives

you a slap across the rear end and says, there, that's for what you just did to

your mother.

Mother, are you sure you shouldn't check the time? Honey, I have everything

under control. In exactly six minutes, 3 .59, we're going to watch Walter's

commercial, and then I'll drive out to the airport to meet Grandma's plane,

which is flight 256 arriving at 4 .45.

Something tells me that when she calls... Sweetheart, if there is one

never make a mistake on, it is time, Carol. I pride myself on it. Only once

I ever get my times mixed up, which is why you're here.

have you got the right flight number?

Carol, please, honey, I even wrote it down.

Look, flight 445 arriving at 256.

Oh, my God!

to save you the trouble.

Oh, I didn't mind that long, lonely trip from the airport on that

stuffy bus.

Hello, Grandma.

Oh, Carol, darling, my beautiful little granddaughter.

Oh, you are a picture of grace and beauty. Oh, you know, you remind me of

when I was your age. Oh, that satiny thought.

complexion and those exciting sparkling eyes and really stacked.

Oh, Grandma, you haven't changed a bit. You're a great lady.

Oh, well, Carol, I was brought up to recognize that good breeding consists of

four qualities.

Good manners, good...

and good, solid Yankee conservatism.

Mother, that's only three. What's the fourth?

Punctuality.

I'm sorry, Mother.

I'll take your suitcase upstairs. Oh, thank you, dear. Oh, and Philip will be

home from school in a couple hours. He can't wait to see you. Oh, bless you,

darling. Well, well...

Well, you just look wonderful.

But why do you have to be different? Why don't you touch up your hair like

everybody else your age?

I don't know. I decided years ago to just be natural like you.

We're just going to have a wonderful, wonderful weekend, Mother.

I hope so, dear.

And I'm so anxious for you to meet Walter. You know, we've been married for

years. Mother, it's very important to me that you love him as much as I do. And

I know you will.

I hope so, dear.

By the way, Mother, why didn't you call me from the airport?

Well, why should I bother calling?

Especially when your phone was busy all morning.

Oh, that's ridiculous, Mother. Nobody's been on the phone.

You're too much, Bert.

Oh, hold on, would you, dear? While I have my afternoon tea.

you hang up, and before you get fired, I'd like you to meet my mother.

Oh, excuse me, Bert.

I've got to meet Mum's mum.

How do you do?

Well, pleased to meet you.

You are?

And your daughter said you were hard to please.

Mother, I never said that.

No, I'm sure you didn't, dear.

Well, I... I have to go in and put on a new face.

But, Mother, there's nothing wrong with your old one.

I know, but I just put a thousand miles on it, and it's due for a checkup.

Maude!

What did you think of my commercial? Oh, honey, I'm so sorry I missed it. Oh,

Walter, when will it be on again?

Oh, in about three minutes, right after Celebrity Thocker.

Good, then we can all see it together. Now, listen, darling, Mother arrived.

She'll be out in a minute.

Please, for God's sake, Walter, be charming.

Well, well, well, don't tell me.

This must be Walter.

And your mother, Chadbury.

Charming, charming.

Just call me Florence.

Florence, what a charming, charming name.

I can't get over it. You look more like Maude's sister.

Mother always was very young -looking. It's her hair.

Prematurely red.

Hey, Mom, I brought you some candy.

Oh, Walter, how sweet of you. Now, I'll bet Maude told you that I liked good

candy. Well, yes, Mother, I did mention it.

bunny, Walter.

You bought my mother a chocolate Easter bunny?

You must have given me the wrong... Boy, that really irks me, Mom, especially

knowing that somebody swiped your sour balls.

Walter, I understand that you own your own store.

I'm the 28th biggest appliance dealer in Westchester County.

Mother, we don't want to brag.

But Walter is very prominent.

As a matter of fact, he's just made his own television commercial. Would you

believe it? His own television commercial.

Oh, and it's going to be on any second.

Well, I'm very impressed, Walter.

Ah, nothing at all.

Isn't he cute and so modest?

You know, Mother, originally they wanted somebody like, oh, Henry Fondo or

Laurence Olivier to do it, you know. But then they realized that Walter is so

much more distinguished.

you see these price tags.

You've got Wally over a barrel.

Refrigerators, washing machines, and look at this baby.

The world famous Yoshimoto Free Skin.

100 % American refrigerator.

Only the name is Japanese.

Everyone in the place locked out for $3 .29.

Mother Chadburn, what did you think?

Well, I'll tell you exactly what I think, Walter.

I think you're a real horse's patootie.

Did you hear that, Walter?

All I wanted was for my mother to love you and respect you and be proud of you

the way I am. And what do you do? You go on television and you totally, totally,

totally disgrace us.

I'm sorry, Mother.

Now, now, wait a minute, Maude. I said Walter was a horse's patootie, but...

He's going to sell a million refrigerators.

And, Walter, I love you for it.

Thanks,

Terry. I thought it was mildly sensational myself.

Wowie Wally signing off.

Six calls in five minutes.

I'm a hit!

In spite of what you think, I'm a hit!

Well, it must be nice having a hit, Maude, after striking out three times.

You realize, of course, Mother, that if I had married Walter first, I could have

saved you a fortune in sterling silver pickle fork.

Now, I think his commercial is marvelous.

Will that phone ever stop ringing?

Hello, this is Mrs.

Wowie Wally here.

No, he isn't. Can I take a message?

Oh, well, I'm sure he'll be pleased to know that you enjoyed the commercial.

You what?

You want him to be official numbers caller at the Tuckahoe Wide World of

Oh, that's quite an honor.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you. I'll tell him when he comes. And thank you so much

for calling, Father Monaghan.

No, I think if it weren't for Bingo, half the people in the world would be

atheists.

I'll finish upstairs if you care to unpack.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Well, we love you.

Never knew you had legs like that.

Thank you, Mrs.

Naugatuck. You're welcome.

But it wasn't meant as a compliment.

Brilliant commercial, Walter. Absolutely brilliant.

I just hope you're wearing shorts.

Why?

Well, you get a barrel with a knot hole, you could be in big trouble with the

FCC.

Oh, you see?

And you say we never agree about anything.

Arthur, this is Maude's mother, Florence Chadburn. Dr.

Harmon. Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Chadburn. Well, I'm delighted to meet

doctor. I don't think she's so hard to please.

I didn't say that either.

I'm sure you didn't, dear. I think now is the perfect time for our kids.

Those refrigerators you're advertising, I could use one over at my office.

Oh, sorry, Arthur. I only had two and I sold them.

They were my loss bleeders. You know, to get people into the store.

Oh, I get it, Walter.

The old come on, huh?

The old come on?

Sure, it's very popular in merchandising.

You see, you tempt the customer with a carrot on a stick.

Oh, and while you're holding the carrot, the customer gets the stick.

Now, wait a minute, Mort. Lost leaders are a perfectly acceptable business

practice. Oh, come on. Walter, you just got through telling Arthur that you only

had two refrigerators in the whole store.

The way you sounded on your commercial, you had refrigerators coming out of your

ears. Oh, Marty.

Lost leaders are nothing new.

In fact, they go all the way back to Adam and Eve.

Yeah. Eve got Adam interested with an apple.

And she lured him into the Garden of Eden, dangling her apple.

The next thing he knew, he had a whole family to support.

You see, the apple was Eve's lost litter.

Arthur, that is the single worst analogy I have heard in my entire life.

Adam and Eve.

How about Caesar and Cleopatra?

Arthur. Napoleon and Josephine. Look, Arthur, we are discussing honesty in

business, not sex through the ages.

Sex through the ages?

That reminds me, I've got a 62 -year -old man waiting in the office for a

vasectomy.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Chadbourne.

That man is a surgeon.

I wouldn't let him take out my garbage.

You see, that's something else we agree on.

Now, listen to me. Now, wait a minute, Mort. I don't want my best friend

insulted, and I'm tired of being insulted myself.

Lost leaders are a part of life. Everybody uses them. Even you.

Me? Yes, you.

Remember, Maud, when we first started going together?

I used to nibble on your ears and you used to flutter and giggle and tell me I

was driving you crazy.

And the night we got married, you know the first thing you said to me?

Please, Walter, don't nibble my ear.

Maud, you used your lobes as lost leaders.

Come on, Walter.

How can you compare the tender little traps that we women set for the men we

love to your nefarious business schemes?

I mean, at least I didn't promise you six loaves and give you two.

What is that supposed to mean?

I didn't say a word.

All I said was...

Mother, are you trying to say that you agree with Walter and not with me?

Oh, I never said anything of the kind.

All I said was... Look, Mother, if you have something to say, why don't you

right out and say it? Thank you, I will.

Walter, you are driving me crazy.

Now, about those lost leaders...

Listen to me for a minute. I think you've married the right man.

He's a real go -getter. Who practices deceptive advertising.

Oh, well, now, you've got to grow up, Maude. It's like Walter Cronkite says

every night on the 7 o 'clock news.

That's the way it is.

This is my problem. I would really appreciate...

I promised myself that no matter what you said, I was not going to fight with

you, and I am not.

Well, I'm glad, because I promised the same thing.

distinctly remember saying to myself, Florence, darling, you're not going to

fight with that little girl of yours, even though you're standing out here at

the airport freezing to death, while she's sitting in her warm, comfortable

home, thinking up excuses for not meeting you.

Please, Mother, I told you it was a mix -up. It could happen to anyone.

It could, but it didn't.

There were 25 mothers out there that year for me.

Being met by 25 daughters, not one of them mine.

I suppose you counted.

What else did I have to do?

Mother, will you please stop making me feel guilty because I missed your plane?

I would never dream of making any daughter of mine feel guilty, no matter

negligent she is.

Mother, I was not negligent. Then why are you feeling guilty?

Because you're my mother, and I am your daughter, and it goes with the

territory. I thought you two weren't going to argue. Please, Carol, this is

between me and my mother.

Mother, I'm only trying to help you. Butt out, Carol.

Mother, I am trying to... I said butt out, Carol! Mother, you're imp...

way to talk to your mother.

And there's no way to talk to your daughter.

Now, she's not a child. She's a mature, intelligent adult.

Mother, would you mind butting out?

There's no way to talk to your mother.

Don't tell your mother how to talk to her mother.

Carol is right.

Now, she should be able to speak to you not as mother and daughter, but as an

equal. Well, the way you and I talk to each other. Oh, come on, Mother, you and

I... Oh, by God, and listen.

Now, Carol has no need for your approval about anything.

She is grown up, and she can speak her own mind.

She's right.

I'm sorry, Carol.

Mother, you don't have to apologize to me. I owe you an apology. No, you don't.

You're going to get an apology whether you want it or not. Don't yell. Stop

taking your frustrations out on me.

Frustrations? I have no frustrations. The hell you don't. The hell I do. God,

you do have frustrations. I do not. You do too.

All right. All right.

All right. All right, mother.

Get it off your chest.

Now, tell me.

What is my frustration?

Your husband.

If you really loved him, you would stand beside him and guide him.

How, Mother?

Through the night with the light from above?

Look at me.

I stood behind your father no matter how much I disapproved. Which was

practically all of the time.

For 14 long years, I stood beside that man biting my tongue. But I

adored that man.

And that, mother, is your definition of love? My husband, right or wrong?

Absolutely.

Well, mother, if that is your definition of love, then you're a horse's

patootie.

I'll take my chances.

You know I ought to spank it.

Oh.

You know, Maude, this is the first time in your life that you ever turned on me.

I know, Mother.

And I can't tell you how good it is.

But believe me, Mother, this is going to lead to a better relationship, like the

one I have with Carol.

I hope so, Mother.

But, Maude...

met me at the airport.

I'm sorry, Mother.

Mother! I'm sorry, Carol.

I'm sorry, Molly.

I took a long walk and did a lot of thinking about the things you said.

I'm not sure I agree with them, but if they upset you that much, then they

bother me, too.

So I called the agency and told them to put on my other commercial, the one with

dignity.

Find these friendly appliances.

As I said to my wife, the first lady, you can fool all of the people some of

time. And you can fool some of the people all of the time.

But you can't fool all of the people all of the time.

That does it.

Walter, get me the phone book.

Who do you want to call?

John Wilkes Booth.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.