Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dead man...

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That I'm compromising, enterprising,

anything but tranquilizing. My, my, my.

Oh, what a beautiful morning.

All right, Maud, I'm sorry. I said I was sorry. All I said up there in bed

was... I know, I know. All you said was not now, Maud. Not before I've had my

coffee. Please, Bob!

Please!

Please! Oh, what a beautiful day.

Lord, what are Mother and Walter arguing about this early in the morning?

Really, Carol, when two people are in their bedchamber, I am not one to

eavesdrop.

Since when?

Since your mother opened the door suddenly and I impaled myself on the

as we love birds.

That's because our relationship bears such a striking similarity to heckle and

jekyll.

Walter, you're being unfair.

Unfair? Walter, what would you say about a man who, when his wife leans over to

kiss him good morning, says, not now, not before I've had my coffee?

Please, Walter.

This is not a movie.

When Robert Redford... He wakes up and leans over and kisses Barbara Streisand

before he's had his coffee. He's only doing it because they're paying him a

million dollars.

A million dollars for Robert Redford?

Money well spent.

He ate you, sir.

Starts the day with that extra little morning dash. I've already had my

dash. Right past me.

Why, isn't he in a bloody awful mood?

Mrs. Naugatuck, you'll have to excuse Mr. Findlay. I woke up on the wrong side

of his bed this morning.

If there's a man in your room, there is no wrong side of the bed.

Boy, what a great world this would be without women.

Yeah, it'd be worth it just to watch you having labor pains.

If you'll excuse me, I'll read the newspaper in the delivery room.

Mother, I'm on my way to the library. Anything you want me to pick up for you?

Oh, yeah, honey. While you're there, there's a book called The Joy of Sex.

Yes, Mother. Yeah, if you come across it, burn it.

Oh, hello, Carol.

Hello, Vivian.

Goodbye, Vivian.

I'd stay and talk to you, but I have to go to the library and burn The Joy of

Sex for Mother.

Oh, Carol, I've read The Joy of... Zax, if you're going to burn it, memorize it

first.

Oh, God, what a glorious day.

You'll just never guess how Arthur woke me up this morning.

Vivian, whatever he did, I don't want to hear about it.

First, he kissed me, and then he put his cute little stethoscope in my ears.

upchuck day.

And then he put the other end to his heart and he said, do you hear that

cutlet?

That's the beat of love.

That is so corny, so hokey. So then what happened?

Oh, then he said for me to pack a few things because he's got us a cabin at

George for the weekend.

Just like...

I was wondering if I could borrow your old Mackinac to take along.

Though I probably won't be needing it, of course, with Arthur to keep me warm.

Arthur! We're going to Arthur!

He just makes me tingly, tingly, tingle.

He ups and does something like this on the spur of the moment.

Although I guess it's just part of being newlyweds.

Come on, Vivian, you're hardly newlyweds. Your ring finger's already

green.

Oh, yeah?

You know that bear skin rug in the den?

You're kidding.

Why do you think the bear is smiling?

Well,

thanks for the coat.

Have a wonderful time, Viv.

Oh, thank you. You have a wonderful time, too.

Whatever it is, you cozy, comfy, old married stew.

Just so tingly.

Warm, safe, secure. Right. And boring, Walter.

Boring, boring, boring. We have not one single tingle left in our marriage.

Please, Lord. Oh, Walter, honey. Remember when we first started going

You used to put on that corny straw hat and play that hokey ukulele and sing,

Yes, sir, that's my baby nose. Lord, you always hated it when I did that. I

know. How come you don't do it anymore?

say I love you, you grunt, take off your shoes and check the TV guide.

I mean, Walter, we don't even talk to each other anymore.

Okay, Walter, let's talk.

How'd it go today?

I just got up, Walter.

Let's try.

Oh, don't. Don't you see what's happened to us, Walter? Our lifestyle is so, so

dull, so monotonous, so, so predictable.

It is not predictable.

That's exactly what I predicted you'd say.

Come on, Maud. Walter, doesn't it bother you that there are people our ages who

still have romance in their marriages, like our next -door neighbors?

The Greenblatts are romantic?

I'm not talking about the Greenblatts, Walter. I'm talking about Arthur and

You know how Arthur woke Viv this morning?

Open her ears.

Whisper sweet nothing.

Well, I know Dr.

Moore. Will you settle for Q -tips?

I'm sorry.

You know what else Arthur did?

He told Vivian to pack a bag because... On an impulse!

He got them a cabin up at Lake George for the weekend.

Come on, Maude, that wasn't any impulse.

I mean, you know Arthur.

Chances are somebody gave him a key to their cabin. Yeah, but, Walter, let me

ask you something. If somebody had given you the key, would you have gone up

there just like that? Of course, like that.

You would?

Honest, Maude.

I'd come home, tell you to throw a few things together, and we'd go off and

spend the weekend in each other's arms.

Do you really mean it?

Of course I do.

Oh.

I love you. Oh, Walter, I'm so

sorry. Your neck.

That I yelled at you. Your nose.

Oh, there you are, Walter.

Hey, listen, I just wanted to stop by before we go, Walter, and thank you, old

buddy, for giving me that key to the cabin.

Sure, didn't he tell you? See, this business acquaintance of his offered him

use of this neat cabin.

Thanks a lot, Arthur.

You're welcome, Walter. And since he didn't want to use it, good old Walter

passed the key along to me.

Thanks. Wait a minute, Ward. Now, wait a minute. Now, let me explain.

About that key. You know what you can do with that key, Walter?

Just like that.

You could do the exact same thing with that stethoscope of yours, Arthur.

I don't understand.

Why are you attacking my stethoscope?

Because you have a big mouth.

Now, look, Maude and I are going along with you two up to that stupid cabin.

We'll be ready in a minute. Now, hold it, hold it. Now, wait a minute, Walter.

I'm not at all sure how Vivian would feel about that.

I couldn't care less.

If she's unhappy, we'll go alone.

Forget it, Walter.

In the mood, you're...

This is something that can't wait.

Hello? Sunshine Village Retirement Home?

Yes, I'm calling on behalf of Ma and Pa Findlay.

Come on, Ma.

All right, now. You want the spontaneity? I'll give you spontaneity.

We're going with the hormones up to that cabin.

That's about as spontaneous as gas after a Mexican meal.

Besides, I wouldn't dream of ruining Vivian's vacation.

I mean, the woman is planning on an exciting, romantic weekend alone with

Arthur, which in itself will be enough of a disappointment.

Maude, how could you?

Oh, come on now, honey. I had nothing to... Don't call yourself my best

trying to ruin my weekend.

Vivian, I have no intention of... Oh, you interloper!

You don't even like rustic places. You know you hate any place away from the

city. You told me once when your time comes you want to be buried in a

center.

Now, you listen to me. You have no right to ruin my weekend. Just because you

and Walter might happen to be a couple of old fogies.

Oh, wait a minute, Vivian.

Fogies?

Vivian, I am forgiving that remark only because it comes from an insecure bride

and an aging body.

An aging... You're just jealous because together you and Walter are a hundred

years old.

And Arthur and I are only 97.

Impossible. That makes Arthur three.

Oh, yeah?

There's your dumb old key and there's your dumb old coat because we don't need

your dumb old cabin. Unlike some dumb old people I know who shall remain

nameless, Arthur and I can find love and romance and spontaneity.

Let me tell you something, Vivian Harmon.

Our marriage is every bit as romantic and spontaneous as yours is any old day.

She's right, Walter.

We're a couple of old fogies. Right, we're a couple of old fogies, but we're

going to do something about it right now. Come on, Ward.

Let's go up to that cabin and have the time of our lives.

Oh, Walter, you say that, but you don't mean it.

I mean it, Ward!

Sorry, Walter, but after the way you've acted today, there's nothing you could

say or do that would make me feel any different.

That's not the word I would have used.

Oh, honey, we're going to have such fun up here roughing it in the wilderness

and the great outdoors.

Where do I plug in my water pipe?

Walter, that moose must have been going awful fast to put his head through the

wall.

Well, maybe he got homesick and killed himself trying to back up. out honey

let's face it this place is awful it's so ugly and it's so depressing but honey

we can make it a paradise you're right let's burn it down and go home

come on now water this is something new some excitement in our lives besides

honey this will give us a chance to rediscover each other okay okay now i'll

tell you what let's have a positive attitude Let's go out the door and come

in again. But this time, Walter, let's pretend that it's the penthouse suite at

the Waldorf Astoria.

If you say so.

Okay, now, to get us in the proper romantic mood, carry me over the

What? Pick me up? Pick you up? And carry me over the threshold.

Well, as long as it's the Waldorf Astoria. Bellboy!

Okay, okay. Now lift me up.

Come on, honey, lift me up.

Maud, there's only one way I can do this.

I'll have to make two trips.

The abominable snowman will get you for that one.

Hold, it's freezing.

I'm going to light a fire.

Oh, honey, first let's just... bask in the warmth of each other's bodies. Well,

I can light the fire very easily. It's all set up.

I don't want to break this romantic mood I'm in. Besides, honey, I'll make you

forget about the cold.

Very sexy, Walter. What were you doing new?

Shivering.

I love it. A vibrating mustache.

Maude, I'm going to light the fire, and you'll see it'll be a lot more romantic.

Oh, I love fireplaces. You know, honey, when I was a little girl, my grandmother

had this enormous house, and the only heat came from a fireplace.

And your grandmother loved it? Oh, yes. Until she died of pneumonia.

Look, honey, it's smoking.

Open the door, Maude. The floor might be stuck.

the way my grandmother went.

No television, no radio, no Philip, no Carol, no Mrs.

Naugatuck. I mean, we can just do or say anything we want.

How about that?

Honey, how would you like to run around in your underwear?

Maybe later.

Walter, have you ever read Fires?

Not the book, but I saw the movie Towering Inferno.

You know what I mean. You can see pictures in the fire. Like, you see? See

log over there, the one with the two knot holes?

You know what that looks like to me, honey?

Like a Shetland pony with its mane whipping in the wind, running across the

meadow, picking up lots of forget -me -nots.

Honey, what kind of pictures do you see in those blazing, crackling logs?

I see a fire sale at Findley Friendly Appliances. A big fire sale.

Nation's calling us. Where's the bathroom, honey?

Oh, probably...

Hold out till Monday.

What? I love you.

Sweetheart, thank you.

You know what we're going to do now, Walter?

You know what we're going to do?

First, I'm going to unpack.

Then we'll get into our jammies.

And then we will retire.

I mean, after all, lover, it's getting awfully late.

Yes, it's five after six.

Come on, Walter. You and I have had some very romantic moments at five after

six. Okay.

Then what do we do at ten after six?

Walter, I don't care. We are going to have fun.

Walter. Inspiration.

Inspiration. It's inspiration time. It's inspiration time. Why didn't I think of

this before? Walter, a stroke of genius.

You and I.

are going to take a long walk through the woods, hand in hand under the starry

sky, the snow, the wind, the sheer poetry of two souls.

What?

I'm not going out there.

There are bastion rugs out there that aren't rugs yet.

All right, Walter, you be that way. Forget romance.

Forget all those promises you made to me about doing things on the spur of the

moment. But I'll tell you one thing, Walter.

I am still romantic enough.

to take a long walk through the woods, communing with God.

If God's out there, he's driving to the nearest Holiday Inn.

Oh, Walter, what are we doing here?

Oh, don't rub it in.

I know it's all my fault.

Oh, Walter, I mean, everything's against us, the coldest...

We can't be romantic here. Honey, let's go home. What do you mean, let's go

home? You said... I know what I said, Walter.

Oh, but let's face it. We're not 20 anymore.

Honey, I just want to be in my nice, warm house listening to your nice, warm

snoring. Oh, Walter, let's be the happy old fogies we really are

and leave this godforsaken...

I admit this place is terrible.

And the only reason I'm here is because I felt guilty because Arthur stuck that

stethoscope into Vivian's ears.

But I resent the fact that you call us two old, dull people.

I am not old.

I am not dull.

And we're not leaving this place.

We're not moving out of this place.

I may not be Sir Galahad.

I may not even be Prince Charming.

But I can be as romantic and exciting as anybody. Look, Walter, don't give me

your resume. Tell me, why are you putting these things on the floor?

Lie down.

On the floor?

Now on the move!

Of course on the floor! Oh, come on, Walter, don't be ridiculous.

Well, lie down.

Oh, come on. We're going to spend the night here, fumbling, cuddling,

whatever they call it. Lie down, Walter. Walter!

Shut up and bundle.

You know, Walter, you're outrageous.

You know, you're gorgeous.

I always wanted to rough it with you.

Oh, honey, you know, this is really all I ever wanted. Oh, not the cabin.

I mean, just a little attention.

What do you mean?

Oh, sweetheart, that's all any wife really wants, Walter. Just...

A little more attention than she normally gets.

You know something, Mort?

We could be home.

Or we could be here.

But it's the two of us together that makes everything work.

Oh, Walter, we can survive anything.

We could spend the whole weekend here with no trouble.

Weekend? We could stay here a week. A month.

A year.

Ten years.

A lifetime.

Yeah, now that we've proved it, let's get the hell out of here.

we weren't going to sit home and let you guys have all the fun. Oh, gee, I can't

tell you how happy we are to see you two wonderful kids. You are!

You know, we felt so terrible about everything that happened. From the

walked through that door, we were just miserable knowing that it could have

you up here instead of us.

Oh, thank you, Marty.

It takes a big man to admit he's wrong.

And to show you that our hearts are in the right place, we insist.

that you take the cabin all to yourselves.

Oh, no.

No, that's not necessary. Yes, it is, but... Oh, no, but you... Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Oh, wow.

You talk about friends.

Yeah, I'll say.

Oh.

It's so romantic and woodsy and rustic, isn't it, Arthur?

If you say so, Vivian.

Oh, we're going to have so much fun.

Rubbing it like two.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.