Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And so,

in a very real sense, God is our co -pilot.

With his written word, the Bible, He provides us with a flight plan for

our lives.

In his Ten Commandments, he gives us a seatbelt to

hold us back from temptation.

He guides us through pockets of turbulence.

And when we reach...

our final destination.

He clears us for landing on the runways

of the beyond.

In thanks to our Lord, let us take ten seconds for silent prayer.

Let us pray.

I'm awake!

I'd like to ask everybody to be especially generous in the collection

morning. As you know, we are dedicating our social hall this evening.

And that new air conditioning equipment and those fancy new kitchen appliances

are going to put quite a strain on our budget.

We will be grateful whether you give $100 or $5

or $1.

Or a quarter.

And now a few announcements.

The Christian Pet Lovers Guild will meet Tuesday, and the topic of discussion

will be St. Bernard, the holy man and the dog.

Our Ladies' Aid Society is sponsoring a big show.

Proceeds going toward paying the debts on our new social hall.

Now, let us turn to page 123 of your hymnal.

Hymn number 421.

I'm not repeating, Walter. I'm one step ahead of you. That is not funny. That is

not funny.

Cut it out.

You're no one to talk.

Sleeping in church. Oh, come on, Walter. I'm not the first person who ever fell

asleep in church.

Pillars of the community do it. Presidents have done it. Let's face it.

not a churchgoer. I prefer to stay at home and read the paper.

Newspapers are not printed to keep people out of church.

Oh, come on. If God had meant everybody to go to church, why would he have made

the Sunday Times 300 pages long?

Now I suggest that we just drop this whole conversation.

I haven't been this bored since Mike Douglas had Mrs. Andy Granatelli on as

co -host.

In that case, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that the woman I love... Can't share with me

one of the personal joys of my life.

Walter, another one of your personal joys is trying to take off one sock at a

time with your other foot instead of using your hands.

How do you know about that? I've seen you.

You were sleeping.

I was pretending.

Well, it's not as easy as it looks. You should try it with over -the -calf

socks. You should try it with pantyhose.

Look, Walter, when you first started going to church, out of the blue, six

ago, I did not say a word. I think church can be a very uplifting,

emotional experience for some people. And if you are one of those people, then

God love you for it. Go and enjoy it. But, Walter, do not try to drag me along

with you.

Maud, the family that prays together stays together.

That's beautiful, Walter.

You know, it constantly amazes me how at any given moment you can reach into

your golden bag of wisdom and come up with one clinker after another.

Lord. And besides, that's not true. My first husband and I prayed together all

the time.

What for?

A divorce.

What have you got against going to church with me?

Walter,

it all goes back to my childhood.

I was kicked out of the church choir when I was 12 years old.

For what?

Singing.

Oh, I didn't see her.

I bet Mrs. Morgan had her hair tinted. I heard she was going to do it. I don't

know.

Was old Mr.

Dudley there with his new wife?

I didn't notice.

Well, a fat lot of good it does you to go to church.

That's what church is. The National Enquirer with candles.

Not to everybody, Maude. A lot of people go to church for very good reasons.

Granted, Walter. And what are your very good reasons? Why at age 52 are you

suddenly so interested in religion?

Because it makes me feel good.

It makes me feel peaceful.

It's like...

Remember Gary Cooper in the movie Sergeant York?

You're reaching into your golden bag again.

I ask you a question. Remember Gary Cooper as Sergeant York?

Yep.

Are you making fun of me?

No.

Then you'll listen.

Yep.

Sergeant York, the biggest hero of the... First World War was a real

drank, cursed, fought.

And then one day, all of a sudden, in a moment of divine inspiration, he found

religion and changed.

And that, in a way, is how it happened to me.

Well, listen, Sarge, if you're going out to capture 500 Germans, would you bring

me back a dozen knockwurst and a loaf of pumpkin?

You know what your problem is?

You resent my going to church because it makes you feel guilty.

Oh, come on, Walter. I do not feel guilty.

Come on, Mort. It's as plain as day. You feel guilty because you know you should

be going to church, too.

Walter, I do not need an organized religion.

I mean, I try to do what God expects of me, Walter. I try to do unto others as I

would have them do unto me. I obey the Ten Commandments.

At least nine of them.

What's that supposed to mean? That's for me to know and you to find out.

Can I help it if God invented dreams and Paul Newman?

Come on, as long as I lead my life the way I think I should, as long as I try

be a decent human being, I see no reason to pray in a building.

And honey, if I went to church just to please you, I would feel like a

hypocrite.

Bert, he's driving me to church.

If that's you, Bert, come on in.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Finley.

Hello, Bert.

Don't move him, Bert. I want to get there first, so I can get a seat in the

row. What? In case I want to sneak out early.

Do you two go to the same church?

Oh, no.

I'm Church of England.

But Bert's church is right across the street, so we go together.

What church do you go to, Mum?

Oh, you see, Bert, I don't belong to any organised religion.

Bert's the same way. He's Catholic.

You've no right to talk that way about the Catholics.

I've every right.

I've been to Rome.

I have.

Somebody pinched me right in the middle of the Vier Veneto.

church if she wants to.

But everybody knows the only reason that Henry VIII started the Church of

England was just so that he could get a legal divorce.

Now that sounds like my kind of church.

Please come on, Bert.

You're windier than my minister.

Mort, I'll never convince you that I'm right and you're wrong, so from now on

you can stay home.

But I'm going to go because I get a lot out of it. It's a deal.

But please, come with me to the dedication of the new social hall

important to me. Of course, darling. Hi, everybody.

Hi, kids. Great galloping galoshes. Walter, get ready. We tee off at 1 o

Oh, I almost forgot.

We'll shake a leg with you. If we're not on the first tee at 1, we'll lose our

place. Arthur, I don't know why you even play golf.

Yesterday, all you did was complain about losing six new balls and you had a

windburn and a blister and you got snowed out on the 14th. Oh, I don't know

Because. It's the only chance I get to have any fun.

Uh, here. Would you guys like some coffee? No, thanks. I would. You

coffee to awaken the sleeping Madonna, Maude?

Now, look, Viv, don't you start.

I've just been through that with Saint Findlay of Assisi.

You know, speaking of church, I had some very angry words with Reverend

Williamson this morning.

Would you believe it? He wants to use the new social hall as a center for

wayward teenagers.

Oh, Arthur, you didn't tell him you didn't want that.

Well, after all, it's our money that built the hall. I figured I had a right

put my two cents worth in.

Arthur, don't be modest. You put in a quarter.

The point is, Vivian, if you open that social hall to juvenile delinquents,

young punks, and pregnant girls, I guarantee in three months they'll wreck

Coke machine.

I'm going to get a pot of fresh coffee. Oh, thanks, Phil. You know, you should

be very happy that Walter's going to church, Marty. He's getting an awful lot

out of it. I know he is, Arthur. He keeps telling me.

Spiritual comfort and peace of mind, uplift.

Sure, those two.

What do you mean, those two?

Oh, well, I really have to hand it to Walter. He really knew when to come into

the church. It was like an act of providence.

Sure, he joins the church, and one week later, he gets the contract for the

appliances and the air conditioning in the new social hall.

That must be worth $5 ,000 to him, the lucky dog.

Walter is selling appliances and air conditioners to the church?

You mean he's making money out of this? Darn it, I'll let the cat out of the

bag. Well, don't be upset, Marty. He probably wanted to surprise you. You

husbands like to do that. I know.

Bless his ecclesiastical heart.

for the peace of mind you have given Walter Findlay since he joined your

Oh, Walter, darling, come kneel with me.

We thank thee for the spiritual comfort and the moral uplift you've given him.

Darling, please, kneel with me.

We thank thee for making him a better person.

But most of all, we thank thee for allowing Walter to unload $5 ,000 worth

merchandise on the community church.

Lord, you are missing a very important point.

I'm doing the church a favor.

I'm giving them quality merchandise at a very good price, 20 % off.

Honey, I didn't know that.

Oh, Walter, that's wonderful. Why didn't you... Oh, Walter, I can see it all

now.

Jesus saves.

That's Findlay's friendly appliances.

What do you mean you're not going for that dedication?

I wouldn't go to that church tonight if Charlton Heston himself were cutting the

ribbon.

You've got to go.

Carol, Philip, everybody we know will be there.

It'll look bad if you don't come to that dedication.

Tough tabernacles, Walt.

Marty, that's sacrilege. Well, I agree with Maud. I think what Walt is doing is

wrong. Oh, knock it off, then.

Knock it off? I'm on your side.

Oh. I'm sorry, honey, force of habit.

There is nothing wrong with what I've done.

Well, if there's nothing wrong, then why'd you keep it a secret?

Look, I'm not on trial here.

I just forgot to mention it, that's all.

It slipped my mind. Slipped your mind? That's hard to believe, Walter.

Coming from the man who remembers Sally Rand's chest measurements from the 1933

World's Fair?

Well, Walter always did have a good head for figures.

Will you knock it off, Arthur?

What? It's me, Walter, your husband.

I mean, do you really think that I'd join the church to sell a lousy $5 ,000

worth of appliances?

Yes.

You actually think that's important to me?

A measly $5 ,000 is not important to me. I wouldn't sell my soul for that. Of

course you wouldn't, Marty.

The community church is going to set up social halls all over Westchester

County. One that could sell maybe $100 ,000 worth of money.

Now that's worth selling your soul for.

Please, Arthur, I beg of you, don't help!

I wish everybody would get off my back. I've done nothing!

Worship at the altar of the almighty dollar. Walter, let's face it. If you

thought there was money in it, you'd be in hell right now trying to sell the

devil an air conditioner.

And it would probably be a larger unit than he needed.

You know, Marty, you're really being too hard on Walter.

You just don't understand the reality of the business world. Now, Arthur, don't

take Walter's side. Take his side, Arthur. It'll serve him right.

You women don't understand business at all. You know what Walter's doing is

perfectly commonplace.

Well, even I'll admit that I get a few extra patients because I belong to the

church. Sure, I'll bet you $10 if you can name me a single church that doesn't

have a few doctors in the congregation trying to drum up a little business.

Christian Science.

keep my $10, are you? Easy come, easy go.

You try to be a nice guy and you end up feeding the whole family. Come on,

Vivian. Oh, that just shows how much you know about life. You can't feed a whole

family on $10.

I'll tell you this, Marty.

That $10 is going to be added to your next flu shot.

I'm willing to admit that I joined the church partially for business reasons.

But that doesn't make me a hypocrite.

It so happens that I liked going to church.

I like the words. I like the singing.

I like the good feeling I have when I walk out.

You said the same thing after we saw Gidget Goes Hawaiian.

Okay, don't go.

I'll go by myself without my wife by my side.

Okay. Good. Good.

But I want you to know that I'm not doing it for me.

I'm doing it for the future.

I want to leave the money to you, to Carol and Philip and Philip's children

his children's children.

Walter, if you want to leave something that matters, why don't you leave them a

legacy of honesty and integrity and good faith?

Honesty, integrity, and good faith.

Boy, you women don't know anything about business.

Hey, Mrs. Dogatuck, aren't you back from church awfully early?

There you go.

Bert and I had a tiff. That's the last time I'll let him talk me into going to

his church.

He tried to convert me.

Right in the church?

No, right in his convertible.

have been suspicious when he said he wanted to stop at a motel for a Bible.

Maud, one last chance. Won't you go with me?

Honey, if you're talking about the dedication, absolutely not.

If you're talking about the motel...

Never on Sunday.

Hey, Grandpa, Grandma.

What? We're going to have ice cream and cookies at the dedication tonight. Here,

catch.

Philip, try to steal this from me.

Hey, that's very good.

How come you're suddenly so interested in basketball?

Oh, I don't know. I guess I'm like you.

How come you're suddenly so interested in church?

Go ahead, Grandpa.

Tell him.

Tell him all...

5 ,000 reasons.

Later, Philip.

Good. Who wants to hear all 5 ,000 reasons?

Okay, Maud.

I want you to tell Philip something.

You tell him why his grandmother is the only member of our family not going to

that dedication.

I'm going to tell him the truth, Walter.

That his grandfather is a hypocrite who only goes to church to pray for more

money.

Do what you want.

Destroy my grandson's image of me.

But remember, it'll be your burden to bear.

Here he is.

Go ahead.

Tell him where you're not going.

I'm not going where?

Philip, your grandmother is not going to the dedication.

Look, now try to understand.

I'm not going because your grandfather...

What, Grandma?

Because your grandfather...

Because your grandfather

doesn't like my hair.

That's his problem because I'm going anyway.

Not one five -thousandth as bad as you are going to be.

Cut it out, Mort.

I want to introduce you to Reverend Williamson.

Reverend Williamson, I'd like you to meet my wife, Mort.

Oh, it's nice to have you here, Mr. Spindley. Oh, I was here this morning

really enjoyed your sermon.

Thank you so much.

It's nice to see you awake.

Ladies and gentlemen, folks, ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention,

please?

Now, this is a very special day for our church, and we owe a lot of thanks to a

lot of good people. But I'd like to single out one new church member who has

taken the responsibility of supplying and installing $5 ,000 worth of air

conditioning and appliances, Mr. Walter Findlay.

here, Walter, where we can all sit here.

I have a lovely wife joining soon. Come on.

Now, if Mrs. Armstrong will be good enough to put a bulb in her brownie, we

get a picture of me giving Walter Findlay a check for $5 ,000.

Thank you, Reverend Williamson.

Gosh, it gives me such pleasure to serve God. I really shouldn't be taking this

money. Do you really mean that?

You will never regret it. Folks, do you hear that?

What good is $5 ,000 in heaven?

No good, Walter.

That's the hell of it.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.