Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

He said he wanted steak and kidney pie with mashed potatoes for dinner. And I

say there will be no mashed potatoes.

Mr. Findlay is turning into a walking fat farm.

He needs another potato like I need a silicone injection.

He's gaining weight, isn't he? Gaining weight?

If he knew how to fly, he could rent out his tushy as the Goodyear blimp.

I've never seen him this way. He only eats this way when he's depressed.

Mrs. Naugatuck, come here.

There will absolutely not be steak and kidney pie with mashed potatoes. We are

having broiled trout and a salad with diet dressing. Is that clear?

Yes, mon Führer.

Oh, that's really amusing.

Remind me to give you a raise.

Oh. Thank you. And when does it stop? When hell freezes over.

Got any idea what's bothering Walter?

No, but I'm sure it has to do with money. You know, he's just not himself.

I mean, I ask him what's wrong and he says nothing, Maude, except we have to

down on expenses.

Then he runs around the house turning off the lights and stuffing his face.

It's like being married to an owl with a tapeworm.

Walter, darling.

Why are all the lights on?

Because it's nighttime.

That's no excuse.

I'll help you off with this, Tuffy.

Nobody understands me.

We got to cut down on expenses.

Must you talk with your mouth full?

Another thing, Mark.

It's like a furnace in here.

Can't we do something about the heat? It's costing me a fortune.

Mrs. Naugatuck, would you mind turning down the thermostat?

Turn it down to 60.

If you don't mind, sir, I'd like to turn it down to 32.

32? That's right.

I get a raise when this place freezes over.

It's his favorite room.

He can feed his face and read the mail by the light of the refrigerator.

Pills.

Nothing but pills, pills, pills.

Why can't we get junk mail like everybody else?

If we did, you'd probably eat it.

There's not enough salt in your steak and kidney pie.

Walter, that's our dinner.

Now, look, Walter, something has got to be wrong. There's nothing wrong, Walter.

All right, we'll discuss it your way.

Well, why don't you come home?

No. Walter, I'm your wife.

I'm your partner in this life. You've got to tell me what's wrong, Walter.

You've got to.

I'll tell you, and then you'll know.

If I don't come up with the money by the end of next week,

Findlay's Friendly Appliances goes bankrupt.

I'm two weeks behind on my payroll, and the bank won't give me any more

extensions on my loans.

Walter, how much money do we have to raise?

A lot.

How much?

$12 ,000.

Oh, good Lord.

Since when did you turn Catholic?

Since we became paupers.

I will leave no church unturned.

Honey, why didn't you tell me about this before?

I didn't want to bother you, Mort. What was I supposed to do?

Come to you and cry?

Men don't cry, Mort.

I'm 52 years old.

And in all my life, I don't think I've seen a half a dozen men cry.

I've never cried in front of you, Mort.

I mean, you've never seen me cry.

Look at this, I'm crying.

There isn't a human being in the world who hasn't cried.

I'm scared, Mort.

I'm a fat man.

And I'm scared.

Everything's going to be all right.

Lord, I've already borrowed on everything.

The life insurance, the cars.

Listen, the way the economy is going, the small businessman doesn't have a

chance. Remember Sam Lewis?

The bathroom fixture king of Tuckahoe?

Right into the toilet.

He files for bankruptcy.

They're not building any more houses, so he went broke.

Honey, how about getting a loan from the government?

The government?

They'll only bail you out if you're Lockheed, Franklin Bank, the

Railroad. But the Walter Findles of the country, Maud, all we get is a slap on

the back, a win button, and a pep talk from Elliot Janeway.

It's a fool's game, Maud.

I don't want you to say anything. Now, look, listen to me, Walter, please.

Under the circumstances, Walter, the house is free and clear.

Maud. We'll borrow on it.

No, the house is yours. The house is ours, Walter. It just happens to be in

name. Maud, the house is your security. It is your next thing. Now, listen, this

is my problem. It is our problem, Walter. Now, why shouldn't we borrow on

Give me one good reason.

Maud, I built Findley's Friendly Appliances.

32 years ago, I started the long, long climb, but I needed no outside help. I

did it all by myself.

I am Horatio Alger.

I am independent and proud.

I am an American success story.

Walter, I asked you for one good reason. Not a bicentennial minute!

I'm not taking charity from you or anybody else. Walter, it's not charity.

a loan.

He lost the loan on the insurance. What if I lose the $12 ,000?

They'll take away the house.

Honey, I love you.

Walter, who cares?

I care.

I'm not going to borrow money from my wife, and that's it. Case closed.

All right, all right, all right.

How about asking Arthur for the money?

I'm not going to borrow money from Arthur.

That's the quickest way to lose a friend. Now, listen to me, Walter.

Either you ask Arthur for the money, or I'm going to mortgage the house.

And look, if Arthur needed money, you would be the first person he'd come to,

right?

Right. Right, so stick him before he sticks you.

All right, Walter, out with it. What in the world is it?

Okay, Arthur.

I'll give it to you straight.

Can you lend me some money?

That's it?

That's the whole thing?

Why didn't you come right out and say so?

Look, I'm your friend.

If you want my right arm, you got my right arm. If you want a pint of my

you got a pint of my blood.

Look, if you need money, Walter, I'd be insulted if you didn't ask me. How much

do you want?

$12 ,000.

Would you take a pint

of blood?

I'm sorry I asked you, Arthur. Forget it.

It's $12 ,000.

Well, keep it down. Does the whole world have to know I'm a failure?

Walter, you're not a failure.

Arthur, if I don't raise that money by a week from tomorrow, I lose everything.

Oh, come on. You're just a little strapped. I know how it feels.

Listen, these times are tough for everybody.

If I had the money, I'd love to loan it to you. I just don't have it.

Look, all you got to do is buck up and pull yourself together.

Listen to Sam Lewis there.

Hey, Sam.

minute of your time.

Come on over and cheer Walter up, will you?

Hiya, Walter. Another round for Sam and me, and another glass of milk for

Walter. On me.

Sam, I was just telling Walter here.

Now, you just went bankrupt.

He just lost his business.

But look at him.

You don't see him sitting around the house moping.

I can.

I lost the house, too.

I can't even pay my dues at the club.

This is my farewell drink.

Tonight.

Arthur, he's amazing.

Sam, how can you be so happy? You just lost your plumbing business.

That's right.

Now I haven't even got a pot.

Look, Walter, it's all in the way you look at things.

No matter how rough things get, once you make up your mind, you can always do

something about it.

I mean, do you really think so? Of course.

I'll guarantee I'm not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I

take that.

I've got too much pride.

Me too.

Yeah, but I'm going to do something about it. You hear that, brave man,

Do you hear that?

I guess you're right, Arthur.

That is the power of positive thinking.

Now, that is courage, Walter.

You don't hear him whining.

You certainly don't.

You know, he's an inspiration.

Uh -oh.

I'm sorry, Walter.

That's my drink.

Oh, I'm sorry. And thanks.

I'm not supposed to have that stuff, you know. It's poison to me.

Yeah, me too.

Well, what the hay.

You only live once.

Here's to it. Good luck, Sam.

Down the hatch.

Sam, you really are an inspiration to me.

I got to tell you something, Sam.

I know you're not going to believe this.

But when I woke up this morning,

just for a second, a fleeting

second, a thought crossed my mind.

I looked into the mirror and I said, only for a second, Walter,

why don't you do yourself in?

Yeah, how about that?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Mrs.

Nogatuck. Hasn't Dr. Harmon arrived yet? Not yet.

By the way, Mum, Mr. Finlay's got hold of that chicken we were going to have

dinner tonight.

Is there any left?

Only the part where the egg drops out.

Oh, poor Walter. I mean, he was eating like a horse before his friend Sam

himself, but this past week he's just been impossible.

Oh, madam, if Mr. Finlay... Still worried about losing the store.

I'd like to help out.

I've got $300 tucked away in my stocking. Oh, Mrs.

Naugatuck, that's awfully sweet of you, but... As a matter of fact, I can let

you have it now if you like it.

Oh, please, not now.

Oh, and don't raise your skirt.

If Mr. Findlay sees your leg, he's liable to bite it.

Well, it's there if you need it.

I thought Mrs. Naugaduck was going to let out my pants.

Walter, she's been letting them out as fast as she can.

You've been letting yourself out even faster.

Walter, it's impossible to keep up with you.

It's called fat lag.

I'm going upstairs, Mort.

Call me the minute dinner's ready.

Aren't you even going to try to save the store?

What the hell for?

I'm on the verge of bankruptcy.

Doesn't make any difference if it happens today, tomorrow, or next week.

I'm going broke.

Only a miracle can save me, Mort, and you haven't been a Catholic long enough

for that.

Walter, I am not going to let you give up like this. I cannot. Oh, thank

I'm sorry, Marty. I meant to be here.

I'm sorry I meant to be here sooner, but I've been all over town trying to raise

the money. I've asked everybody, even my doctor friends, but their money's all

tied up in medical buildings.

Well, listen, I found the money, Arthur.

I mortgaged the house, and I raised $12 ,000.

Now, look, here is a cashier's check. I want you to deposit it to your account

and tell Walter that you raised the money. Marty, I already told you. I

do that.

I cannot lie to my best friend. You have to, Arthur. Look what's happening to

him. He's leading himself into an early grave. I know. I know. I tried to talk

to him about that. You know what happened?

He threatened me with a leg of lamb.

Now, Marty, you take this check and you just give it to him yourself.

Arthur, I can't do it. Every time I bring it up, he raises the roof. Him and

that ridiculous male pride.

Now, look, Arthur, you have to do this for me. You have to do it for Walter,

please. Now, look, just make up a story about how you raise the money. Just keep

it short and simple.

Walter!

Walter, dear, Arthur wants to talk to you. No, Marty, I need more time,

I'm no good at making up stories.

Nonsense. You're a doctor. You do it all the time.

you came downstairs like that, I'd start boiling water and timing your pains.

That's not funny, Arthur.

When's dinner?

Walter, listen, dear. Arthur has some wonderful news for you. Tell him,

Tell him?

Tell him?

Oh, tell him.

About the $12 ,000 you wanted. Now, I didn't have it when you asked.

Now, look, a lot of people think that the medical profession is fine right

but, you know, the money isn't coming in the way it used to.

I mean, some people are actually postponing operations.

Oh, look, I pick up a tonsillectomy here and a gallbladder there, but they're

holding back on the big stuff, Walter.

Arthur, tell Walter about your aunt.

Well, she had a nose job and a hysterectomy.

Arthur, Arthur, tell him about your rich aunt. My rich aunt?

Oh, my rich aunt.

Yes, well, she paid me back some money she owed me, so I have a little extra

cash now. Oh, Arthur, Arthur, one of the patients just called. She'd like to

know if you could...

I'm going to do, Walters. I'm going to write you out a check for $12 ,000, and

you can meet the payment at the bank.

A check for $12 ,000?

Isn't that wonderful, Walter?

Stop gnawing.

And then later on, when you get back on your feet, you can pay me back whenever

you want.

Oh, Walter.

I'm a doctor.

Life's my game.

I'm sorry, but it's nothing.

Oh, nothing?

How can you say it's nothing? Arthur, you're so good.

You're so humane. Arthur, you're so perfect.

You're an absolute god.

You're an absolute god. I'm just so proud of you. Here, you've been

about money, and then you turn right. Oh, you're just a god, Arthur. You're an

honest -to -god god. Please.

I can't let you do this, Arthur. He can do anything he wants, Walter. He's a

god.

Walter, I'm just so happy for you. John, I'm so proud of you. Oh, Arthur, that

you could do this.

You're not only a god, you're a saint.

A real saint. Oh, come on, please, Walter. I'm not even supposed to be a

a false god.

Not your money? What does that mean?

Would you believe he won the Reader's Digest sweepstakes?

Marty, here.

I'm sorry. Here's your check back.

Father, I just want you to know, if I'd had the money, I would have loaned it to

you.

Arthur? Arthur, does this mean you're not a god?

$4 ,000.

Mrs. Naugatuck and I earned it working both sides of the street.

What? I mortgaged the house.

You what? Oh, come on, honey. You mortgaged the house when I... Honey,

Don't honey me!

You deliberately went against my wishes.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to make a sandwich this big!

Go ahead. Go ahead. I mean, who cares that you've already had one heart

Now, go ahead. Solve your problem the way your good friend Sam solved his. Oh,

he really came up with a great solution, didn't he? Oh, sweetie, you forgot the

mozzarella cheese.

I mean, since you're going to kill yourself anyway, it's a great artery

I understand that Mrs.

Lewis and the children are at home laughing hysterically over the way Sam

his problems.

I don't want any lectures, Maud. If I want to kill myself, that's my business.

Yeah, but while you're killing yourself, Walter, you're also killing me.

Now, listen, Maud. I'm a man.

A man who has never taken anything from anybody and a man who's not going to

start now. Oh, come on. You would have taken the money from Arthur.

That's different. He'll get by.

I'm not going to risk losing the only security you have.

Walter, the only security I have is in me and in you.

Beyond that, I think you're the most selfish person I've ever met.

Selfish?

Me? Yes, you, Walter.

You want the pleasure of sharing with me, but you won't let me have the

of sharing with you.

Walter, we share our days and our nights.

Now, what's more important, sharing the money or sharing the days and nights?

Because if sharing the money is too much for you, Walter, then maybe we

shouldn't be sharing the days and nights.

What are you going to do, Walter? Leave me?

You seem determined to leave me, Walter.

Okay, Walter.

That's your appetite.

Your attitude here.

Let's not forget dessert.

Oh,

Walter.

Walter, Walter, please don't walk away from our life.

See what you've turned us into, Walter.

Laurel and Hardy.

Except that you're not only the dumb one, you're also the fat one.

And the joke, Walter, is our marriage.

Maude, our marriage isn't a joke.

Our marriage and you mean more to me than anything.

Pride, money, business.

And, Walter, listen, for the last time, will you please, please, for the last

time, will you please take the ridiculous check?

Yes.

I love you. I love you.

Oh, Walter.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.