Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on,

Oh, Carol, honey, have you seen Mrs. Naugatown?

Playgirl?

Mother, this is the magazine for the modern woman.

It's our answer to Playboy. This is just... Trash. And I know the kind of

articles in this thing. The bedroom secrets of Ken and Barbie.

And look at this. A male center.

Fold.

Mother.

Mother.

Interesting, right?

It is not interesting. It is cheap sensationalism, Carol.

Carol, you're almost 30 years old. Ow.

has nothing to do with this.

Besides, it belongs to someone who's a lot older than I am.

Someone who's probably just looking for a richer fantasy life.

Well, it couldn't be Walter. Because if his fantasy life were any richer,

Disneyland would name a ride after him.

Mrs. Naugatuck.

Mrs. Naugatuck?

She's so cute.

She had it hidden inside a copy of the London Times.

Well, I'll tell you, honey, the way she's been acting lately, nothing would

surprise me about her anymore.

She has been pretty flaky. Flaky? You know that yesterday she put the mail in

the freezer?

Took me half a day to thaw out the gas bill.

I mean, she's really gone completely wacko.

I'm not going to have to have one of those shape -up or ship -out talks with

woman. What woman?

Mrs. Naugatuck.

Oh, Walter, for the past two weeks, completely out of it.

Well, when you find out what's wrong with her, let me know.

I'm dying to know why she put Tidy Bowl in the aquarium.

Oh, come on, Lord.

I mean, Mrs.

Nortletucker's not just a housekeeper. She's part of the family.

The least we can do is put up with a little of her idiosyncrasies. Oh, and

much can it hurt to... My sweater.

My lucky golf sweater!

Honey, don't feel too bad. It looks like it might fit your niblick.

This isn't funny, Maud. Mrs. Norgatuck! Mrs. Norgatuck! I don't care what you

think! Mrs. Norgatuck!

Mrs. Norgatuck!

But, sir, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Mr. Finlay is the sun.

Romeo and Juliet.

What a scrumptious love story.

I don't give a healthy damn about Romeo and Juliet. In that case, Buster,

parting won't be such sweet sorrow.

Look at me.

Stand there for two seconds and look at me!

Oh, I wish I had the figure to wear a bear midriff.

You'd better have a talk with her.

He loves me not.

He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me not. Mrs. Naugatuck, what are you doing?

Plucking my broom.

Don't give us any of that plucking my broom. Walter, that's exactly what she's

doing. Mrs.

Naugatuck, dear, please come here and sit down.

Right over here. There.

Mrs. Naugatuck. Dear Mrs.

Naugatuck.

Is something troubling you?

Frankly, yes.

What?

You're bruising my knuckles.

Oh, dear Mrs. Naugatuck. Now, you know we love you. And we know that there is

more to your behavior than meets the eye. And we would appreciate it if you

would let us share it with you.

Now, what the hell is going on?

Can't you tell by this?

The sparkle in my eye.

The jauntiness of my gait. And the naughtiness of my smile.

But you're in love. You're in love.

You're in love. Yes, ma 'am. Yes, ma 'am. Yes, ma 'am.

Why is everybody crying?

Oh, what it does is Mrs.

Snog a touch, being in love make you want to cry.

Yes, I'm going to be married.

Married? Now that's something to cry about.

Are you serious? You're really getting married?

Oh, yes.

I may not be a young chick, but I still know what to do when the right rooster

comes along.

Snog a touch, that is wonderful. And incredible.

Who's the lucky rooster? Oh, he's a wonderful man, Mum. He's a Pisces on the

cusp. Yes, and his name... His name is Virgil

Sneed.

Virgil Sneed.

Mrs.

Virgil Sneed. Yes.

I met him at the Merchant Navy Club. I go there every month to teach go -go

dancing.

and we've been corresponding about marriage ever since.

And last week, he finally plucked up the nerve to accept my proposal.

Are you sure this isn't another one of your cock and bull stories?

What are you picking on me for? She's the one that says she double dated with

Tokyo Rose.

Well, if you feel like that about it, there's no use me going on, is there?

Ah, if you'll excuse me, I have a pot roast.

In the mailbox.

We need diplomats like you at the UN.

What am I saying? We have diplomats like you at the UN.

Oh, Mrs.

Nogatuck, dear.

I'm not... casting my pearls before swine.

I assure you, Mr. Finley didn't mean to be rude. It's just that, well, this is

such a shock to us that we find it difficult to believe.

Oh, fickle, fickle, go jump on a pickle.

Virgil has written to me twice a week for the last two months. And if you

believe me, I'll show you his last letter.

Oh, Virgil, stop, stop.

There you are. It came only this morning.

My dearest Jellybean.

Yes, that's what he calls me. He's Jellybean from Aberdeen.

And he's my kidney from Sydney.

That's my pet name for him.

Yes, I know. I have a pet name for Walter.

From Tuckahoe.

Australia?

Yes, ma 'am. He owns a sheep ranch there.

A sheep ranch?

Yes, and he's retiring there. And I shall be joining him in two weeks' time.

I'll be pulling the wool over his eyes every night.

Mrs. Naugatuck, we couldn't be happier for you. Mrs. Naugatuck, forgive me for

doubting. And congratulations.

Of course, we'll miss

you terribly.

But we wish you every happiness.

Oh, thank you. Thank you both so much. And I shall miss you too. But I must get

back to my duties.

Stop acting like a foolish schoolgirl.

After all, I am British, and we British do have to maintain our dignity.

know how to throw a bridal shower.

Who should know better?

I just think it was a brilliant idea getting Mrs. Naugatuck out of the house

sending her to the beauty parlor for the afternoon.

Well, you know how she and Mr.

Billy love to gossip.

He knows everybody in town who fools around, and she knows everybody from out

town who fools around.

Everybody in the neighborhood is out there. Oh, I didn't know Mrs. Nuggets

so many friends. Well, honey, there's a very simple explanation. You see, she

meets so many people when she's out on her motorcycle.

I just think a bridal shower is a marvelous idea.

Thank you, Viv. I'll tell you, when there's a sweet, warm, wonderful person

involved, that's what you do.

And I am a sweet woman.

Here she comes.

Here she comes.

Everybody, hi.

She's coming.

where we can really see you in all your glory. Very well.

Now, isn't this better?

Better than what? The black hole of Calcutta?

Mrs. Nogatuck, I have one thing to say to you. What?

Oh, your dearest...

this right now.

How to make your husband the world's greatest lover.

When you're finished, Mrs. Naugatuck, I'd like to borrow it.

Allow me now. No, no, no, no, no. Mrs.

Naugatuck, this is your day.

As it is. Care for a pig in a blanket?

You fire me.

From Sydney.

From my virgin.

All right, all right. I'll read it aloud so that everyone will know

what a dear sweet boy he is.

I've forgotten Miss Spectacles.

Would you do me an honour? Of course, dear.

Thank you.

My dearest Jelly Roll.

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly.

I gotta love one gal till I die.

Can't help lovin' dat gal of mine.

Oh, he writes beautifully, Mrs. Nargis.

And so originally.

The world lost another Shakespeare when Virgil turned to sheep.

plays very funny.

Oh, go ahead, madam. Read the whole thing.

Oh, no, that's about all there is. Oh, no, read what he says about my eyes. He

never writes without mentioning my eyes.

Your eyes. The eyes.

Oh, yes, yes, the eyes.

I fell in love with you the first time I looked into them there eyes.

Oh, tiptoe through your two lips.

My complexion. One of the great complexions of all time.

There's no rhyme there.

It doesn't sound like him at all.

Read the last couplet before the signature, please.

Oh, there, there, dear. I know. His couplets always make me cry a lot, too.

That's why I...

He's so romantic.

So come on, dear.

Oh, look, I'll take over, dear. I'll take over.

Now, lend me your spec stacks, would you?

Thank you.

Oh, now.

Toot, toot, tootsie.

Goodbye.

because she's still upstairs mourning and grieving.

too good to be something you cook, Walter.

Where's Maud?

She's doing the laundry.

We split up Nogatuck's chores.

How come she's doing the laundry when you're such a rotten cook?

If you think I'm such a rotten cook, you should taste my laundry.

Honey, I think whatever you're burning is burned.

I'm glad you're here. Tell me, how is Mrs.

Nogatuck? Well,

There's absolutely nothing wrong with her physically.

It's her spirit that's broken.

I'll tell you something, Marty.

You can't wrap an ace bandage around a broken purse.

That's beautiful, Archie.

That's really beautiful. A saying like that could fill a million barf bags.

Arthur, isn't there something you can suggest to pull Mrs. Naugatuck out?

I'm running out of mittens.

Yes, I have called for a prescription which just might do the trick. Oh, good.

She'll be here any minute.

Until then, the best thing you can do is show her that you care. Try a little

love and affection. Oh, Arthur, I've given in the past few days more love and

attention to that woman than I gave to my first three husbands.

Well, they had broken spirits too, Monty.

Arthur, how would you like a swift kick in your ace bandage?

Oh, by the way, is Mrs. Naugatuck covered by Medicare?

No, I don't think so. Oh, then I won't pad my belt.

Honey, what are you fixing for dinner?

Well, so far, burnt mitten.

Again? Walter, that's what you fixed last night.

I know, it's my specialty.

What was that?

Oh, Walter, that is the sound of a broken heart. Come on, let's try to

up.

Good to see you looking so sly and bouncy.

Yeah, you look terrific.

It's no use you trying to cheer me up.

I'm old and tired and weak.

And what?

Weak. And what?

And weak!

I've had it.

My life is over.

Oh, now, Mrs. Naugatuck, don't say things like that.

Dr. Harmon says there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, except for a

broken heart.

That's what he told me.

There's one thing I want to ask you, Mrs. Finlay, before I pass away.

What, Mrs. Naugatuck? What the hell is an ace bandage?

Mrs. Naugatuck, a broken heart is not the end of the world.

Oh, I'm through with men.

My life's over and done with.

Do not ask me for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for me.

Boy, that was fast.

Mrs. Finley?

Yes? Were you expecting a prescription from Doc Harmon? Oh, yes. Are you the

delivery man?

No, ma 'am. The doc said I'm the prescription.

You're... The prescription?

Yes, woman.

I'm what the doctor ordered.

Oh.

The name is Bert. Bert Beasley.

Mrs. Nogata.

It won't work, madam.

And I'll thank you and everyone else to stay out of my life.

Is that the patient? I'm afraid so.

My goodness, this must be my lucky day. First, I found a dollar coming over

here. And now this.

Now what?

Well, I figured she'd be an old biddy. But she's... She's

beautiful.

Kurt, you know, I think you are just what the doctor ordered.

Yes, good hunting.

Hello, dearie. My name's Bert Beasley. I heard you the first time.

Well, it bears repeating.

Irish, ain't you?

Uh -huh.

Are you English?

We're natural enemies.

I know.

Care to kiss and make up?

Cheap tart?

No, I'm not doing nothing to you.

Now, that's good. This is my lucky day.

I thought we'd go down to the local pub and have a dollar's worth of beer and

get to know each other a little better.

Come upstairs while I freshen myself up.

Well, no thanks, dear. I think I'd better meet you in the car.

You see, I kept the mortar running.

I didn't think she was going to turn out to be such a doozy.

Mrs. Naugatuck, could I speak to you for a moment?

Tell me, whatever happened to I'm through with men?

He isn't a man. He's a prescription.

I have to see him before, during, and after meals.

She was ready to kill herself. You know, she's England's answer to Will Rogers.

She never met a man she didn't like.

That sounds like you, Ward.

No, you're wrong there. I never met a man I didn't marry.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.