Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Roth got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Maud.

Mrs. Noggett, where's Mother? Oh, she was so upset about losing the sale on

Bamberger house that she went out with Mrs. Harmon.

Why? To get over her troubles.

Would you like a cookie, love?

No, thanks. I have to watch my figure.

I see what you mean.

With me, it's a waste of time.

Where'd they go?

They visited that psychic.

Mrs. Harmon's raving about.

Oh, that guy with the ESP that predicts the future?

Yes. You know, some of them are most uncanny.

My friend Cicely Ashton -Smith, she went to a psychic once, and he predicted

that she'd become pregnant.

Is he right?

Was he right?

He's sore to it.

Thank you, because that ought to be a million laughs.

That must be her.

Mother, is that you?

Hello, Mother.

Hello, Vivian. Oh, Mom, really?

You didn't have to slam the door in my face.

Hello. Isn't it bad enough that I have a broken foot?

Hi, Mother.

You know, the way I feel about you, Vivian, I ought to give you a swift kick

the cast.

And wasn't my day bad enough without subjecting me to that interminable

with that irresponsible quack? Bonjour, Mother. He is not a quack. Where's this?

Mr. Norcross happens to be an accredited psychic.

He's been used by the federal government.

Vivian, we have all been used by the federal government.

All right, then. If he's such a quack, how about last week?

when he predicted I'd have my accident.

Hi, Mother.

Vivian, this is the third time this year that you have tried directing Arthur to

a parking spot, and three times he's run over your instep.

Hello, Mother.

Oh, are you home already?

Mother, why are you so upset? I'm not upset. I'm just terribly annoyed because

waited an entire afternoon.

Carol, I'll tell you why she's so upset.

She's upset because of the four things that psychic predicted are going to

happen to her.

First, she's going to get a phone call from a mysterious stranger.

Now, Vivian, that one's right out of the beginner's gypsy handbook.

Second, someone very close to her is going to suffer a severe emotional

Vivian, everybody close to me suffers severe... Third, she's going to

receive some good news.

And fourth, Carol, I want you to hear this.

Imagine telling me, who has been married four times, that I'm going to be

married a fifth time.

I mean, can you imagine a thing like that happening to me?

Yes.

Did you think I got you your first training bra?

And then you broke training.

Well, look at it this way.

Getting married again is a lot more interesting than getting a phone call

mysterious stranger.

Oh, no. The phone call from the mysterious stranger. Come on, Vivian. If

think I'm going to climb the walls every time the telephone rings, that's

ridiculous. A mysterious stranger.

Hello there, old friend.

Yes, this is the lady of the house. Who is this?

If I can sing the Campbell Soup jingle, you'll send me a free case of soup?

No, I'm sorry. I don't know. Tell me, how's the wife?

Listen, you must call me and let's have lunch together someday.

Okay? Nice talking to you.

You see, Vivian, I've spoken to that man thousands of times.

Maude, that was the mysterious stranger.

Nonsense, Vivian. And stop trying to make it sound as though everything that

psychic predicted is coming true.

Mother, this man you're supposed to marry, is it somebody you know?

How could it be? She's already married everybody she knows.

I mean, you already have a leg and a cast. Would you like to try for the

body?

Hello, girls!

Walter, hi.

Oh, have I got a great piece of gossip for you!

What? What, Walter? What? Think! Now, think!

Out of all the couples we know, who do you suppose is getting a divorce?

You.

Grace and Harvey Winkler. Oh, no, they're already divorced.

You'll never guess.

It's Cliff and Joanna Naylor.

Oh, no. Oh, Walter, they've been so happily married for 16 years.

You better watch yourself, Maud. Cliff Naylor has always said you're the most

charming, best -looking, and sexiest wife in the crowd.

Good Lord, I'm going to be married to Cliff Naylor.

Maud, their getting a divorce has nothing to do with your getting married

Vivian, do you really think so? Of course.

They're getting a divorce is a severe emotional trauma to someone who's close

you. That is it. Of course, Vivian. Of course. She is one of my dearest

Oh, poor, poor Harriet Naylor.

Mother, her name's Joanna.

Well, you're not going to take this whole thing seriously. Well, of course

not taking it seriously, Carol.

Phone calls from mysterious strangers.

Severe emotional traumas. Well, one thing at least, Vivian. We have had no

news.

Yeah. The deal went through. They changed their mind about the Bamberger

That is wonderful.

Oh, George, thank you so much.

Oh, Walter, Walter, you'll never guess.

The Bamberger house deal went through. Walter, I'll make more commission than

I've ever made before.

$1 ,200.

$1 ,200.

Wow, that's good news.

What's going on? She'll tell you, Walter. Mother, look.

Now, whatever you do, I don't want you to worry about me. Thank you, darling. I

appreciate that.

Just do me one favor. Anything, sweetheart.

Pin a note to my pillow when you find out the name of my next stepfather.

Just for that, I'm going to twirl the calendar on your birth control pills.

Look, will somebody please tell me what's going on around here?

Walter, I didn't want you to hear about this. You must be heartbroken.

Sweetheart, I love you. Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

You're too much, Maud. I mean, you don't really believe this phony, do you?

Walter, if he only were a phony. Walter, this man has been used by the federal

government. Maud, we've all been used by...

Oh, Walter, Walter, I know it's ridiculous. I know it is purely

but everything the psychic predicted is coming true.

Excuse me, ma 'am. Stop hounding me.

Can't you see our lives are falling apart?

Yes, of course. They always do at this time of day, ma 'am.

She's not the type you don't understand.

The psychic predicted that I would be married again.

Oh, congratulations.

I don't want to. I don't want to be married to anyone but Walter.

Well, if that's your problem, why don't you and Walter just get married again?

You see, you ask that yo -yo for advice, and she comes up with the most

ridiculous, most outlandish, most marvelous idea I have ever heard.

Walter, that's the solution.

Oh, Mrs.

Naugatuck, it is a brilliant idea.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I love you. I love you. I love you. Walter, we're getting

married.

I didn't mean you and me.

I meant you and him.

Crazy American.

We'll make his prediction come true, and that way we'll never have to worry

again.

Wonderful idea, Walter. A second wedding.

Vivian, isn't it a fantastic idea?

I always cry at weddings.

Walter, isn't it exciting?

Maude, if you think I'm getting married again because of some crazy person's

prediction, you're out of your mind. Walter, you... Absolutely not.

Thank you, Walter.

Any man who won't marry his own wife is a pretty rotten husband.

Vivian!

responsible for this madness.

Maud, honey.

Oh, Walter, Walter. I know I'm being irrational, but... Oh, Walter, I love

so much.

You know, I was just thinking about the day we got married. Remember?

Six years ago.

Oh, it was so lovely.

It started with an argument because I refused to wear a wedding ring. Do you

remember? Sure, I remember.

You said it was out of date and a symbol of male dominance.

Not anymore, Walter.

Oh, darling, every time I look at this ring, I realize how lucky I am to be

sharing my life with you.

Now, Walter, the idea of a wedding ring is old -fashioned, but it means a great

deal to me.

Okay, Maud.

Let's get married.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, do you really mean that? I mean it. Oh, darling.

We'll have a tent in the backyard.

Maud! What do you think? 300 people, 400 people. What do you think? Maud!

We're not going to have a big fancy wedding, and that's that.

Now, just tell me when and where, and I'll be there. Okay. How about Saturday?

Okay, Saturday's out. Oh, no.

Saturday's out.

My sinuses are being drained.

Very good, because I wouldn't want you dripping during the ceremony.

Then what about Sunday, darling? Sunday at 11 right here. Okay, Sunday, but it

has to be a short ceremony because I have a golf date with Arthur at 11 .30

sharp.

Let's eat.

I'm hungry as a horse. Oh, Walter, Walter.

This is the most romantic moment of my life.

Thank you.

A few years ago, it used to be a peek -a -boo.

But I made it over as soon as the booing was more than the peeking.

How do you like that? I'm at Maud's gown.

Hold it, Vivian.

Oh, the darn flash didn't go off.

Henry Fonda's going to hear about this.

Isn't it, Arthur? Don't you think? Isn't this exciting, Arthur?

Not when my bulbs don't go off, no.

They try to tell us we're too young, too young

to really be in love.

Marty, those people that told you you were too young, they're all dead.

you won.

Nothing is going to spoil this day for me, not even you.

Carol, darling, would you fix the bow in my hair?

I love you too much. You're acting like an 18 -year -old at her first wedding.

Oh, Carol, that's because in my heart I feel 18, even if that heart is beating

in a 45 -year -old body.

Rod, the body's 48.

Oh, 45, 48.

What difference does a couple of years make when you're 18?

Before I forget, Arthur, here. Here's my wedding ring. Guard it with your life.

Philip! Philip, you look beautiful!

You look funny.

Hey, Vivian, look at this ring.

It's almost exactly like yours.

Yes, except I'll bet hers isn't a hand -me -down.

I don't see anything so terrible about you wearing the ring that I bought for

Agnes.

May your soul rest in peace.

What can I do for you, sir?

Oh, I'm the, uh, for the, uh... Oh, the minister for the wedding. Come right in.

Now, this is Mrs.

Harmon. Hello.

And this is Dr.

Harmon. Arthur! Arthur Harmon! It's kind of a gun!

Run, run!

You two know each other?

Know each other? I buried his wife.

Right, Arthur?

Well, how could I forget that?

Oh, that eulogy that you gave for Agnes, it was a humdinger. Oh, well, you're

very kind. But she was an inspiration, Arthur. She laid out so well.

You never look better, Vivian.

What were those marvelous words you used? You know, you captured the very

essence of Agnes. Oh, yes. You mean soft of heart. Soft of heart. Sweet of

spirit. Sweet of spirit. Strong of will. Strong of will. And selfless of soul.

Selfless of soul. Oh, that is beautiful, Reverend.

Isn't that beautiful, Vivian?

Beautiful.

You know, with the hundreds and hundreds of sermons that you preach...

It's just amazing to me that you'd remember those words. Well, it's my

Oh, it sure is.

And, Reverend, if you can run a wedding half as well as you ran that funeral,

wow, they're going to get a heck of a kick out of it.

Sir, I do not ask for much in this world, and I'm not being unreasonable.

What is it, sweetheart?

Walter, you cannot get married in your Arnold Palmer sweater.

Oh, but, Lord!

Honey, come on now. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Here. Does this make you happy?

Yes. And a necktie would make me even happier.

A necktie?

Lord, we're only getting married. We're not going out to dinner.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Thank you, darling.

Now, Walter, I have a surprise for you.

A surprise?

What?

Hold out your hand.

Surprise, Walter.

It's a wedding band.

Isn't it exciting, Walter?

When I think of how much pleasure mine has given me, I suddenly thought, let's

have a double ring ceremony.

I'm not wearing any ring. It's bad enough I'm wearing a tie.

Walter, I thought this would make you happy the way mine has made me happy.

Walter, this ring is a symbol of marriage.

Maude, it's obvious to the whole world that I'm married.

I've got that haunted, beaten look of husbands everywhere.

Walter Findlay, don't blame that haunted, beaten look on me. I've seen

pictures.

Walter, honey, you don't know how much this means to me.

You know what that means? That after six years of marriage, you don't trust me.

I do trust you, Walter. I trust you with my life. It's my life you don't trust

me with.

That's what that band is. It's a sign that says, Property of Maud Findlay. No

trespassing. Hands off. Is that what you think of me, Walter?

That I'm just a selfish, domineering... The hell with the ring!

The hell with the wedding!

Let's forget the whole thing.

Walter, we can't, we can't, we can't. Don't you remember what the psychic

predicted? And the hell with him, too.

Everything he predicted is coming true. The phone call from the mysterious

stranger, the good news about the Bamberger house, the nailer's severe

trauma. Trauma?

They're happy as clams. Come on, Walter, they are not happy.

Lord, Joanna found herself a 22 -year -old ski instructor.

Well, that's happy.

But, Walter, we can't take any chances. Oh, darling, please do it for me.

Please, please, please.

Ward, make up your mind.

One ring or no wedding. Now, what's it going to be? Walter, Finley, are you

threatening me? You're damn right I am. You've got 60 seconds to decide.

You know, I'm just so touched.

Two people with such great spiritual love for each other that they want to

their sacred vow. Oh, you're rocking, Walter.

You are impossible.

What is that?

That's the loving couple sneaking a romantic moment together.

Mrs. Norwood, why don't you start the wedding march?

Good idea. Maybe she'll come down by force of habit.

We are gathered here today to share the joy of Walter and Maude Finch, two

beloved people.

Soft of heart, sweet of spirit, strong of will, and selfless.

Walter, do you take Maude to be your beloved wife to love, honor, and

Mm -hmm.

And do you, Maude? take Walter to be your beloved husband.

I do.

May I have the ring, please?

Walter, Maude, as you know, this ring symbolizes your commitment to each

Place the ring on Maude's finger.

No, thanks, dear. We've decided not to wear rings.

The ring is part of the ceremony.

It binds.

So does rice.

You're supposed to wear a ring. It's traditional.

I know, darling. I've decided you're absolutely right, sweetheart. There is

earthly reason why either one of us should wear a wedding ring.

But you've got to wear one, Walt.

You're the woman.

Woman, Walter.

Hang in there, Walter. I've always thought of her as a woman.

You mean this band is a symbol of ownership?

To show she's your possession, right, Walter?

Can we goose this along a little?

I'm expected at the cemetery.

Aren't we old?

Now listen, boy, don't give me any more of that liberated woman jazz.

And don't give me any more dumb arguments or stupid excuses. All right,

if you can give me one good reason, one honest, sensible reason why I should

wear a wedding gown. Well, of course I can give you a good, sensible reason.

Well, if you don't wear a ring, what'll the guys say?

Let us pray.

You're an attractive woman. You don't know what goes through their minds.

Walter, after six years of marriage, you don't trust me.

I'll tell you what goes through their minds.

Finley's wife is looking for a little action.

I can hear them now.

Oh, Finley's wife doesn't wear a ring.

She's on the prowl.

laughing stock of tuckahoe.

You can't do this to me.

You can't do this to me. Do you hear me? You can't do this to your husband.

I insist you wear this ring. I insist.

I insist.

I insist.

I insist. Walter, do you know that the psychic was right when he predicted that

someone close to me is going to have a severe emotional trauma?

But it wasn't Joanna, Walter. It's you.

Me? Me?

I'm not having a trauma.

Our sweetest spirit.

I now pronounce you man and wife. Thank God.

I can't swing a golf club with that thing on my finger.

is recorded on tape before a live audience.