Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

Watch me!

All right, what's wrong?

Carol, you are looking at a woman who is on the very brink of becoming an axe

murderess.

Great. You finally found a career to suit your talents.

Keep it up, Carol, and you'll be my first customer.

Right after Mrs.

Naugatuck. She's trying to hit me up for another raise, the greedy old bitty.

She brings it up. Once more, I'm going to cement her teeth together.

Mother. So she's dropping a few hints about a raise. Aren't you overreacting?

Hints, Carol?

Hints? She has been driving me crazy all week.

This morning, I woke up to find Help Naugatuck Now written on the toilet

in the upstairs drawer.

You are a killer.

If she is so greedy and so difficult and so unreasonable, why don't you fire

her? What can I do, Carol? I love her.

Okay,

Carol,

you take the high road. I'll take the low road.

This demonstration is in your honor, ma 'am.

You're the only one I know who's stingier than a Scotchman.

That is a terrible myth, Mrs. Naugatuck. The Scotch are not stingy.

I know, but you are.

We are in the middle of a terrible inflation. Our economy is a disaster.

We must learn to tighten our belts, tighten our purse strings. If you think

going to fall for that, malarkey, you should tighten your nuts and bolts.

Carol, please do something. Go and talk to her. Reason with her.

Explain to her. And if that doesn't work, go for the throat.

Maud, oh, Maud, Maud, my dynamic, sensational,

marvelous Maud, have I got news for you.

Maud, guess what happened to me today.

Guess, come on, guess.

Your prunes worked.

You found a pair of pants that fits you in the seat.

Oh, Lord, you don't understand.

I'm free.

Free. Oh, free. I am free. Walter, please, Walter. Oh, Lord, you're going

thrilled. Just thrilled.

Oh, I can't tell you how I feel.

Oh, this is the happiest day of my life.

Oh, come on now, Walter. Try to cheer up.

Maud, you don't understand.

I got a call today, Maud.

I got a phone call from my ex -wife, Marta.

Miserable Marta called.

Now think, with all the terrible things that I've ever told you about her, what

could happen to her that would make me the happiest man in the world?

The Goodyear blimp fell on her.

Even better than that, Morse.

She's getting married again.

Married.

She went on a singles cruise to Jamaica and finally found herself a rich, print,

charming... No more alimony, Mort.

After nine years, no more alimony.

No more... No more checks every month.

Think of all the money we'll save every year, Mort.

Oh, Walter. Walter, I'm so happy for you. I mean, you worked so darn hard for

your money. Now you'll be able to enjoy all of it.

Walter.

We're going to be rich.

We are?

All right, Mrs. Naugatuck, it's your lucky day, too. Now you can have that

-of -living raise you asked for. Thank you. So the tightwad's finally loosened

up.

I'm going to buy myself three new uniforms.

I mean, in this thing I look like just another sex pot.

You know, Mrs. Naugatuck, you constantly amaze me.

I just gave you a raise and you call me a tightwad. If I am such a miser, such a

monster, why don't you just pack your things and get out?

I couldn't do that.

I'll love her.

Same to you.

You want to know why I got us these kimonos?

We are going to... Japan.

Japan.

Walter, Japan. That's right. Walter, we go on. Walter, I love Japan. I know.

Walter, I adore Japan. I know. Walter, the first song I learned to play on the

piano was Chopsticks.

Walter, if Carol had been a boy, I would have named him Toyota.

how long we've been dying to go to the Orient.

We're going to experience how the Oriental lives.

Walter, Mount Fuji, the Ginza, bonsai trees, Buddhist temples. Where would we

staying? The Holiday Inn.

The old Holiday Inn. Howard Johnson's was full.

Thank goodness you're home, Walter.

Hudson, could I borrow your car?

Sure. Where's yours?

Well, either Vivian borrowed it or it was stolen.

What a terrible thought. There could be a crook driving around with MD plates.

Somehow, Arthur, that doesn't strike me as unusual.

Arthur!

Arthur, the greatest thing that could ever happen to me happened today.

You found a pair of pants that fit you in the seat.

No, Arthur.

My ex -wife, miserable Marta, met a guy on a single cruise to Jamaica and she's

getting married.

You know what that means?

No more alimony.

Well, congratulations, Walter.

Actually, I always liked Marta.

No, she was an ideal patient.

She had a permanent skin rash and money was no object.

Sure, because it was my money.

My ex -wife was never anything but a heartless money grubber. Aren't we all?

Marge, she was impossible.

Oh, come on. Now, Walter, maybe Marta was an ogre, but maybe she's a nice ogre

now. I mean, people do change.

But Marta, credit cards, a mink stole.

You know, she actually lived with a Hungarian acrobat, but wouldn't marry

because her alimony would stop.

And after all that, after all that... She still had the nerve to call me

Cheap, she called me, me cheap. She called me cheap.

Cheap, cheap.

It's all right, Marty. I've seen this happen to soldiers who still thought

were in the combat zone. Me cheap, cheap, cheap.

Settle down, fella.

The war's over.

Come back to the States.

You're going to see Nell and the twins in the old homestead. Oh, shut up.

That sounds like my car.

That could either be Vivian or a car thief.

If I don't hear a crash, it's not Vivian.

Thank goodness it wasn't stolen.

I'm sorry, Maude.

But every time I think of miserable Marta, I get all steamed up.

Oh, come on. Now, Walter, if she was so miserable, how come you stayed married

to her for 11 years?

Well, frankly, Maude, she was the sexiest woman I ever met.

The second sexiest.

She was Avis to your hurt.

Are you trying to tell me she tried harder?

You think about that, Walter.

And if you want to stay in the driver's seat, the answer better be hurt.

Uncle Henry! Uncle Henry!

Uncle Henry! Oh,

it is just like you.

Popping out of the blue. Look at you. You look marvelous, Uncle Henry. Say

something. Oh, my ginger snap.

Oh, you know, I almost forgot. Oh, Walter, ever since I was six years old,

called me his... Ginger.

That's because it's so spicy.

Get it, Walter? Ginger's not spicy.

You see, Walter, his wit has not dimmed one bit.

That's right.

Still a dim wit.

Oh, Mrs.

Naugatuck, come here. I'd like you to meet someone.

No, thanks, Mama. I can get my own date.

Mrs. Naugatuck, this is my Uncle Henry from Cleveland, my...

favoriteest uncle.

Oh, very well.

How do you do? How do you do?

Oh, isn't that nice? He's brought you a present from Aunt Emma's bakery.

Mrs. Naugatuck, Uncle Henry is Aunt Emma.

I don't care to know about his private life.

No, no, no.

Until I retired a year ago, I was Aunt Emma, the cookie king of Ohio.

I completely understand.

I have a transvestite nephew who's the drag queen of Chelsea.

Come on, Uncle Henry. Come on, Ward. Sit down.

Oh, okay.

Rosecat, all these cookies.

Uncle Henry, you are the most generous man in the world. Why not? I'm rolling

dough.

But, Hunk, you still haven't told me why you just dropped in out of the blue

like this. Well, it's no coincidence, Maude.

I have the happiest news in the world, and there's nobody I'd rather share it

with than my favorite little niece, Ginger Snapper.

Maude, Walter, I'm getting married.

of being lonely. Oh, Walter, do you realize two new marriages in our lives

one day? Oh, but wait.

The biggest coincidence yet to come.

I was on this singles cruise to Jamaica.

And I was curious.

We just hit it off. You were on a singles cruise to Jamaica. Oh, come on,

Don't be silly. It just couldn't be.

You talk about coincidences, but there's a thousand women on a boat. Oh, wait.

Here's my surprise.

I mean, this was...

Marta. Bingo.

There's my vanilla wafer.

Walter, darling, still just as handsome as ever.

Hi, Marta.

And don't tell me I know.

This has to be my new niece.

How about a nice kiss for your Auntie Marta?

Well, what do you two have to say?

Wonderful.

Congratulations.

I want to see you in the kitchen.

If you'll excuse us, we'll just go into the kitchen and make some coffee to go

with all these cookies. Oh, the cookies.

Cookies.

Walter. What?

I know what you're thinking.

But remember... The minute they get married, I'm through paying alimony.

she is a thieving, conniving, lecherous money grubber who is out to take my

uncle for everything he has.

I like her.

Maud, you yourself said people do change.

And tonight, after observing her, after carefully studying her, Maud, the little

twinkle in her eye and the obvious affection she has for Uncle Henry...

I've come to the conclusion that she is a delight.

Walter, she has been here for just ten seconds.

Ward, I am a retail merchant.

The moment the customer walks through my door, I can sign them up. I know,

Walter. That's why you've been held up three times in the past six months.

Ward.

Ward. Oh.

Walter, Walter, honey, I love you. You know I do, and I feel for you. And I

don't want you to have to continue to worry about Marta's alimony. But,

I love that old guy, too.

And I just don't want him to end up being a bitter, exploited, plucked,

schnook like you.

Mort, I'm not interested in saving the alimony.

Mort.

This is a question of human feelings, compassion.

Sweetheart, we, who have so much together, have a chance

now to forgive and to forget.

We have a chance to give that sweet girl her dream.

We cannot play God.

We have no right to meddle in the lives of those two swell kids out there.

Martin is right about one thing. What? You're cheap.

Don't you dare call me cheap! I can't stand that word!

That's all I used to hear!

Walter,

are you planning on flying south for the winter?

That's not funny, Maude. That is not funny.

I see you still have a tendency to blow your top, Walter.

I also see there's not much top left to blow.

You see, Maude?

You see how witty she's become?

What a great sense of humor.

Why don't you go out and keep Uncle Henry company?

Ginger Snap would like to talk to Vanilla Wafer.

Ginger Snap, Vanilla Wafer, that's funny.

I'm going. You don't have to push me.

So you're Maude.

Maude, Maude, Maude.

And you're Marta.

Marta. Might or might not.

Listen, Maude, I can see you're in a little bit of a shock.

And I'm sorry I couldn't tell Walter who the lucky man was, but your Uncle Henry

wanted to tell him the surprise himself.

And you know, it is kind of funny.

Walter's first wife marrying his second wife's uncle.

Well, thereby

making the second wife his first wife.

all this in a soap opera. I give up soap.

Oh, that's a riot, Maude.

Well, come on, Maude, let's face it.

Let's be honest, even if it kills us. You go first.

All right. Oh, never mind, I'll go first.

Look, Maude, all I want is the answer to one little question.

Marta, I love my uncle.

All I'm interested in is his happiness.

Marta, are you marrying him for love?

Of course.

Marta, do you mean that?

For love.

Oh. Marta, I've been such a fool. That's all I wanted to hear. You're marrying

for love. A welcome to the family.

Welcome to the family.

Love of comfort.

Love of London.

Love of London.

It is so difficult to keep a family together these days.

Maude, did my honesty shock you? No, not at all. I'm jealous. I couldn't have

put it less tactfully myself.

Look, Maude, there is one difference between us.

I mean, you have your man.

So why begrudge me?

And Maude, stop worrying about your Uncle Henry. He is going to love being

married to me.

Maude, I am a barrel of fun.

I'll buy half of that.

Well, I see you girls are getting along just fine.

Just fine, Walter.

Isn't she charming, Walter?

Walter, I'm so sorry I said all those terrible things about her. She is not a

conniving, lecherous money grubber. She's a barracuda.

And the worst kind, a laughing barracuda.

Okay, what if she is?

But if you go out and tell that to Uncle Henry, he's going to hate you for it.

Walter, I've survived hate before.

Three ex -husbands and a mother who wanted a boy.

Well, I wish your mother had gotten her wish.

Come on, no, you can't do this. You can't do this. Can't I? No, you can't,

Don't you dare open your mouth.

You said yourself, I deserve that money.

Money doesn't grow on trees, you know. As they say in my business, only paint

grows on trees.

Paint trees.

Get it, Walter?

Oh, that's funny. I like that, Henry.

Get it, Walter?

You don't know how I'm getting it.

Well, where?

Please, Maude, I beg of you. Now, look, Walter, I love my uncle.

Any happiness I had as a child I owe to him, and I have to tell him.

All right, Maude, then go ahead.

But if you do, then I no longer can afford these kimonos.

You can kiss your Tokyo Holiday Inn goodbye.

We'll have to sell this house just so we can afford to stay at home. Oh, I see

he's cheap with you, too.

Look, don't you start up.

Cheap! I worked my butt off buying you furs and flashy cars.

Furs? Flashy cars?

You bought me a used Volkswagen with a fox tail on the antenna.

Marta, don't you dare pick on my husband.

I'm the only one in this room who has the right to call him chief.

And, Marta, that's what you are, your chief.

Chief, chief, chief, chief, chief. All right, all right, all right. All right,

you win, Ward.

Uncle Henry, even though you're going to hate me for saying this to you, I have

to say it because of all the happiness that you brought me when I was a kid and

for all these years that I've been lucky enough to be your ginger snap.

Uncle Henry, Marta's marrying you for your money.

I know that.

You may be a ginger snap, but I'm not a fruitcake.

But, Uncle, I... Let's face it, Maude. We have an understanding.

Why else would a gorgeous girl like Marta want to marry an old fut like me?

Henry, dear, don't talk like that.

But it's the truth, sweetie. We do have an understanding.

Look at it this way, Ginger Snap.

She's marrying me for everything she can get her hands on.

That's exactly why I'm marrying her.

He's given me the first happiness I've had since my late wife Harriet. May her

soul rest in peace.

Choked to death on one of my macaroons.

Gingersnap, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but that's the way the

splits.

Or as we say in the bakery trade, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Get it, Maude?

It's a riot, Maude.

Come on, Vanilla Wafer. If you're going to start spending my money, we can't do

it sitting around here.

Whatever you say, Teddy Bear.

Goodbye, Walter. Bye, kid. Goodbye, Maude. Bye.

I'll be a son of a gun.

What?

What can you say?

I only hope she likes macaroons.

And 3 % for laundry.

And 1%. Your cost of living increase comes to

exactly $6 .34 a week.

Negotiations closed.

Not quite, Mum. There's just one more point. Am I entitled to maternity leave?

Maternity leave?

Well, it's customary.

At your age, impossible.

Anything's possible if you press the right button, Mum.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.