Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Not on Maude.

It's impossible for Maude Findley to go braless. It's impossible.

I haven't seen you all day. Don't I write a kiss?

Not now, Maude.

Ever since lunch, I've had a caraway seed stuck in my back tooth that's

me crazy.

Quit this, of course.

You know, I could never find anything in that cabinet.

Honey, it's on the right -hand side.

I always very carefully put everything pertaining to dental hygiene in the same

place. Since when?

Since the morning you gargled with my Lydia Pinkham.

Oh, and honey, honey, would you hurry it up? Arthur's dropping by, and I invited

Barry over for cocktails.

Barry?

Barry Witherspoon?

Not Barry Witherspoon.

You can't mean Barry Witherspoon, Lord. Not again, not again.

I knew you'd be pleased.

That conceited, pompous windbag is coming over again tonight?

Yeah, Arthur wants to meet him. He's read his book. Oh, but Vivian can't make

it. She's gone to the dog show with her dog, Chuck.

Since when does she enter Chuck and dog shows? She doesn't, dear. Chuck likes to

watch.

Leave it to Vivian to have a wire -haired boyer.

That's where I should go.

I'd rather watch a bunch of dogs sitting and healing than listen to Barry.

Good idea, Walter. Maybe you'll learn how to roll over and play dead.

I think I'd get a lot more sleep that way.

Promise me I would never have to go through another evening with that

egotistical know -it -all. Know -it -all? Walter, the man has just written a

best -selling novel.

It's only a bestseller in Tuckahoe.

And that's because you personally nagged half the town into buying his lousy

book.

Walter, you are a small man.

A very small man.

You are an American bonsai.

It just so happens that Barry is a fascinating human being, and you would

that if you had read his book, as I asked you to, instead of those dumb

articles. They're not dumb!

Huh?

Joe Namath tells how to make love with your helmet on.

He got five commercials that way, Maud.

And two bad knees.

I'm sick of Barry coming over and putting me down every... Every time I

mouth. Walter, that's Barry, honey. He does that with everyone. Personally, I

find it refreshing.

Damn, the dental floss people.

Never tell you that a grown man can't possibly shove four fingers into his

without breaking his jaw.

Will you do it for me?

Sweetheart, when we were married, I promised to love, honor, and cherish. I

don't remember anything about removing food particles from between your teeth.

Okay, Mort.

I'll spend the entire night sucking my teeth like this.

Is that what you want out of our marriage, Mort, huh? This?

You know, Walter, there is such a simple way of using dental floss, it really

amazes me that you don't know how.

Yeah? Okay, Mort, how?

You'll find a needle in my sewing box.

Now, string the dental floss through the eye of the needle the way you would

thread.

Do you want your glasses, Walter, or does crossing your eyes turn you on?

I can see it. I can see it. Now what? All right. Now, put two fingers of your

left hand inside your mouth.

Now hold the needle with your right hand.

Now stick the needle in your right ear.

And then we pass it down the ear canal. Very funny.

You see, Walter, I did that deliberately.

Now, that was far more vicious than anything Barry's ever done, and you

hate me, you love me. Right, Walter?

Hello?

Oh, hi, Barry.

But you're going to be a little late?

No, that's all right.

Actually, I invited Dr.

Harmon over for cocktails.

Yeah, he read your book, and he's dying to meet you.

Then I thought that just you, Walter, and I would go out for dinner.

Look, Barry, I'm sorry.

What you hear is Walter's famous imitation of Jacques Cousteau getting

Walter, please!

I can't hear over that racket.

Yeah, hello again.

God will get you for that, Ward.

There.

Yeah, listen, don't worry. I promise you we'll just have a very quiet evening.

Okay, bye -bye.

Mort, we are not having dinner with that guy tonight.

I told you I can't stand him.

Guy gets some special pleasure reminding me that I didn't graduate high school.

Like last time in front of everybody, giving me that lecture on the difference

between infer and imply, as if I didn't know. Oh, come on now, Walter. He just

gets impatient with ninnies who constantly misuse those words.

Are you inferring I'm a ninny? Of course not.

I'm implying you're a ninny. You were inferred.

Oh, another thing, Walter. You don't have to worry about having dandruff on

tonsils. This time you were gargling with my head and shoulders.

What have you got there?

Oh, this is Mr. Witherspoon's novel.

I see you're reading it too, Carol. I want to see if I can get him to sign my

copy. I collect autographs too. My prize is Sigmund Freud.

You really? Matt Freud?

Met him. He was my analyst.

Sigmund Freud analyzed you? Well, he wanted to.

But I live by one rule in life.

Never trust a doctor who has a couch in his office.

Go ahead.

Go ahead. Leave me with a house full of people. You just go ahead. I am. I am. I

definitely am. I'm not going to spend another evening with Barry Witherspoon.

That's it.

For heaven's sake, Walter.

What could be wrong with spending an evening with a famous author like Barry

Witherspoon? You know, last week, he had his picture in the Woman's Wear Daily.

What kind of dress was he modeling?

Walter, that was a prejudiced remark.

Oh, what are you talking about? Oh, come on, Walter. Didn't you hear yourself?

The reason you dislike Barry is because subconsciously you resent the fact that

he's a homosexual.

I don't resent anyone being a homosexual.

Oh, gay people.

They're so much more fun than bullfighters.

What I do resent is your accusation. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You mean this Witherspoon is, uh... Yes, but that has nothing to do with

anything. Once you get to know him, you'll love him.

Expect a remark like that from Arthur. But you, I mean, I'm shocked to find out

that you have a hang -up. What are you talking about? Oh, come on, Walter,

you're ill, ill.

Outside you're Mr. Nice Guy, inside Super Jock.

I resent that. What a terrible thing to say.

What's all the fuss about?

It is because a man's homosexual.

We think quite highly of them in England.

Our government's full of them.

positive isn't a queen is the queen.

Mrs. Nogatuck, I just hate remarks like that. I'm beginning to realize I am the

only person here who is not prejudiced. Mother, you can't say that about me. I

dated a guy that was gay.

Really? Why?

and he did my hair for half price.

But you said it anyway. Oh, Carol, don't you understand? You put homosexuals in

a different category.

Well, at least I don't do that.

It doesn't make any difference to me what a person is.

Although I'm not surprised about this Witherspoon.

After all, he's a writer.

Oh, and all authors are homosexual, right, Arthur?

I suppose Eugene O 'Neill was gay.

Oh, that was different. He was Irish.

has got to do with it. Are you trying to tell me the Notre Dame football team

isn't straight?

I don't believe this.

Oh, that's because the Notre Dame football team is Polish.

You know, you see, you all have problems. To me, Barry Witherspoon is

sensitive, warm human being.

And as far as I'm concerned, I would just like to drop the entire

Sure you would.

The only reason you're so friendly with him is because Barry is your personal

homosexual.

You're prejudiced in reverse.

You're not serious, Walter.

Of course. Why did I think about it before? Some people show off their new

or their new house.

You show off Barry.

Walter, that's hilarious.

Maude, you know, I hate it when you laugh like that.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

This is the first good laugh I've had since Ford got into the White House and

you said, thank God, now we'll get straight talk.

Maude, you know that I am right about you and Barry.

He's your proof that you're the big liberal, complete...

unbiased. Come on, Walter.

Are you actually inferring that I'm that shallow?

No. You're inferring I'm implying.

That's what is so petty about you, Walter. You learn one dumb thing and

laud it over everything.

I reserve the right to dislike any person, gay or not, when he's a rotten

being. I mean, just because Carol, Arthur, and Mrs. Norgatuck have a hang

that doesn't mean...

how I've been looking forward to a nice, quiet evening with friends.

You've come to the right place.

So on the back of the card, he wrote, so will George Bernard Shaw.

I want to tell you all that this is one of the nicest evenings I've had.

Maude, it is a pleasure to be in your house. You're a very lucky man, Walter.

Walter, did you hear what Barry said? You're a very lucky man.

You'll have to excuse him, Barry.

Thanks, Maude.

He's in one of his silent moods. He doesn't want to talk.

Really? Then you're a very lucky woman, Maude.

No, actually, he was trying to pick his teeth with dental floss and accidentally

sewed his lips together.

One more.

Now tell the story about the wide -mouthed frog. Oh, no.

Oh, come on, Valerie.

No,

you tell it. You tell it better than I do. Come on, tell it.

Oh, all right.

Well, see, there was this wide -mouthed frog.

See, and it was going to have a new baby, and it didn't know what to feed

Oh, come on, Valerie.

All right, so this wide -mouthed frog went up to a giraffe, and it said, What

do you feed your baby?

The giraffe said, I feed my baby grass.

Thank you.

And then this wide -mouthed frog went up to a monkey, and it said,

what do you feed your baby?

And the monkey said, bananas.

So wait, Arthur, there's more.

He said, thank you.

And then the wide -mouthed frog went up to a lion and it said, what do you feed

your baby?

And the lion said,

wide -mouthed frogs.

Oh, really?

I told you it was silly.

Yeah, but you make it funny, Maude.

Yep, we heard this last Sunday at a luncheon for Barry. Oh, boy, that

I don't know how I'd get through those luncheons without Maude. Now, this was

something. The chairperson opened the meeting by singing, When the moon comes

over the mountain.

She was five feet two and had a 63 -inch chest.

And she could really project.

She had to to get the moon over those mountains.

Very funny. I heard that joke back in the third grade.

Oh? You got that far?

education as you, Barry, buddy, but I learned it all out there where it

I know, in the school of hard knocks.

Maud. Walter.

Before I forget, I want to get a picture of all of us together to hang on my

celebrity wall and my rubber's room. Celebrity wall? Who are the other

celebrities? Oh, three of his patients who survived.

Dr. Dumonti, I have, uh, Andy Granatelli.

and Dr.

Jonas Salk's nephew in a bathing suit.

Mrs. Nogatuck.

You called, sir?

Yeah, would you help us take a picture, please?

Would I? I'll be delighted.

Come on now, Walter, nobody loves a party pooper.

And you just looked through that little opening there. Please, you're talking to

the person who learned the art of photography from Alexander Graham Bell

himself.

Mrs. Nogatuck.

He invented the telephone.

Of course.

So he could call me up and tell me how to use the camera.

Now, would everybody group in front of the bar there, all together?

That's it.

No, that's not right.

Mrs. Finlay, would you mind changing over with the carol, please? And,

would you mind changing with Mr. Finlay? I wanted to stand up. No,

that's not right either.

Would you all go back to your original positions?

The tall one must be in the middle.

Mrs. Finlay, would you... Mrs.

Naugatuck, will you get on with it? Oh, all right.

to get snippy.

Now, Beth, now, wait a minute. Here.

Would you ladies just move in a little bit, please? And the gentlemen, would

squeeze in just a little bit more?

Come on, Walter. How's this?

Lovely.

Don't worry, Walter. I never make passes at men with mustaches.

Not the Dorothy Parker reference. Well, of course I did have it. I loved it.

Didn't you, Walter?

No, I didn't.

Why is Walter in such a bad mood?

Now, you hit a sore point with his mustache.

It's molting.

What's the matter with you? Barry was just making a little joke. I have made

dozens of jokes about your mustache.

You just don't like it coming from Barry because of what he is. I have nothing

against what he is, and you know it.

Please, Walter, you cannot stay here in the kitchen.

What'll I tell Barry?

Tell him I'm whipping up a batch of fudge.

Not funny, Walter. That is not funny. My favorite lover.

Oh, Mrs.

Naugatuck, bug off.

No respect for the photographer.

A female Frank Sinatra, you are.

Now, look, Walter, we both know what is bothering you. Look, Walter, if you tell

me one more time what's bothering you... Listen, Walter, I'm not going to go out

there and get insulted again. Look, I promise you, Walter, everything will be

all right. Listen, I give you my solemn oath he will not insult you again. My

solemn oath, Walter.

Good. Thank you very much. Barry, I'm sorry I behaved

so bad.

Badly, Walter.

Should have learned that even in the school of hard knocks.

I don't want a cheese donut.

Don't talk with your mouth full. It's impolite. Put up your dukes.

This is going to be a good one.

For heaven's sakes.

Take a look at the size of the man. Think of your reputation.

You'll be knocked out by a sissy.

Leave. It's time for you to leave.

If anybody wants a doctor, I'll be at the dog show.

Carol? Yes, Father? Upstairs.

Will you come up later and tuck me in? Up.

You know what I think?

No, what do you think? I think I'll go back into the kitchen and count my

blessings.

You've been trying to make a fool of yourself all night. You might as well

finish the job.

Barry, I'm going to throw you out of my house.

But... Only because I don't like you as a person.

I can understand that.

You can?

Well, of course he understands, Walter. You're so obvious.

It's not that, Maud. Wait a minute. Calm down, you two. Look, Walter.

I realize that I'm unreasonable and quite difficult to get along with. I

pick on you because you're so defensive.

But it's part of my charm.

Oh, Barry, you're such a rascal.

Maude was helping me with my book. We're together so much. We like each other so

much. This was bound to happen.

Wait a minute, Barry. What was bound to happen?

It's a classic case.

The jealous husband.

The jealous husband?

I feel a need in her that you can't possibly fill.

You're afraid that I'm, for want of better words, her intellectual lover.

I have a little corner of your wife.

Of course. Of course. That's it, Walter. You're jealous. Oh, I love you.

Maybe I am.

Of course. You're just not tuned in enough to know it. Oh, honey.

Honey, you are jealous.

But you silly... Billy, this is all so unnecessary.

I mean, imagine being jealous of Barry.

What's so funny, Maude? I mean, you and me.

I wish I was dead.

We're dead, Maude.

As far as our relationship goes, that could be the case.

Oh, now, come on, Barry. You know I didn't mean that.

Barry, you know me. I don't have a bias bone in my body. That's right.

They're all in your head.

You know, it's not Walter. It's you.

You're just another one of those guilt -ridden liberals that can't enjoy

anything, not even your own prejudices.

Now, wait just a minute, Barry. I'm getting angry now. Yes, you're darn

I'm getting angry. You call yourself my friend. You've known me all these

months. Now you tell me that I have a hang -up about your homosexuality? Well,

let me tell you something, Barry.

Maud,

about

the hang -up, you don't... have.

Please, let it bother you. Let it bother the hell out of you.

Oh, oh, Walter.

Oh, I am so humiliated.

Oh, Walter, what have I done?

Walter, what have I done?

Just one thing, darling.

You've learned that we all have biases, and we simply have to recognize them and

deal with them as good as we can. As well as we can, Walter.

Underneath, I know I am a tolerant person. You are.

You just have a little hang -up. But, sweetheart, you have less hang -ups than

anyone I know.

Oh, Walter, I promise you I will die before I say anything derogatory about

anybody again.

Look, maybe you'll feel better if we go out and have a good dinner.

Or a well dinner.

All right, honey.

Thank you so much. Good.

What do you feel like eating?

French? Italian?

Spanish? No, why don't we just go down to Wong Fu's and eat chinks?

What you reading, Ward?

Oh, uh, Joe Namath's article on how to make love with your helmet on.

Sinking down to my level, sweetheart?

Walter, I'll make a deal with you.

I'll go out and get you a helmet on one condition.

What's that?

That you go out and get me Joe Namath.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.