Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Angel Platt, she showed up.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizer. Maude.

for first -day jitters on her new job. That's the trouble with you Americans.

Gulp your coffee and off you run. Give yourself no time for a decent breakfast.

No wonder those TV commercials say your entire country's constipated.

Carol, Carol. Carol, Carol.

Carol, Carol. I cannot find my eyelashes.

Where are my eyelashes?

Carol, I...

the sink last night right next to the water glass.

Good Lord, maybe Walter drank my eyelashes.

Oh, Carol, I had them last night. They are not there this morning. Somebody

broke into the house. Mother! Ah, somewhere in the neighborhood.

A prowler is walking around with my eyes.

Will you please calm down? I'll loan you my eyelashes.

Oh, bless you, Carol.

Not the ones I'm wearing!

Thank you, Carol. I mean, how can I go to the office with naked eyes?

Oh, Carol.

Carol, I'm sorry if I've been a wee bit nervous this morning.

I promise I'll be all right just as soon as I get rid of my nervous stomach.

Oh, they're off and running. Oh.

Doodle -oo -doo, doodle -oo -doo, doodle -oo -doo.

No, Grandma.

She's scared.

Grandma scared?

Grandma is the first... woman her real estate office has ever made branch

manager. She'll be bossed over three men.

And believe me, Philip, that's really something.

Big deal. I get bossed around by women all the time.

That's my boy.

And so does Grandpa.

You little twerp.

Want a fight?

Three rounds.

Loser takes on Grandma.

Cut it out, you guys. Cut it out.

got homework to do.

Woman bosses.

Morning. Good morning, everybody. Where's the new boss, Lee? Are we still

time to wish our lady executive luck?

Plenty of time. She's upstairs slipping into a new stomach.

She really wants to succeed in this job.

Well, you know how it is.

The more you want to succeed at something, the more afraid you are of

Like you last night, Arthur.

Somebody tell me I'm beautiful. Lovely, gorgeous, anything.

Throw me a crumb. You're beautiful.

Lovely. Gorgeous. Don't be hysterical.

Walter, I said throw me a crumb. Don't act like one.

Here we are, Mum.

Bangers and mash.

Bangers and mash. Aren't they those doctors who wrote that book on sex?

The banger, Mum, is a British sausage. It's served with... Mashed potato.

It's good for you.

It'll give you a little of that get -up -and -go.

Yes, I had that all last night.

I'll face the day on an empty stomach.

You must eat something. Oh, please, Mrs. Naugatuck, you sound just like my

mother. Well, I always say mother knows best.

You don't know my mother.

She's an outpatient at the Boston Clinic for the totally wrong.

Madam, remember, if we are what we eat and you eat nothing, that makes you a...

Oh, shut up.

Marty, we came over to wish you good luck. Yes, this is supposed to be a

occasion. Yeah, well, this isn't like you. Oh, look, Walter, Arthur, listen, I

want the truth from you.

Do you think those guys down at the office are going to give me a rough time

because I'm a woman?

Absolutely not. Sure they will. Who asked you?

Marty, you've got to expect some resentment.

After all the three men working under you have families to support.

They really need the money.

You've got a husband to support you.

Keep it up, Arthur, and you'll need a cane to support you.

That's me, Mother.

Arthur. We're tired of this old American myth that says women shouldn't make as

much as men for doing the same job.

Here we go, women's lib. Oh, Arthur, don't be a male chauvinist puppy.

Arthur, Mother will be making $7 ,000 a year salary, plus what she gets in

commissions, because that's what the job pays, regardless of sex. Right on,

Carol. So, Mother, even if those men in the office resent you... Resent you?

Yeah, even if they hate her. Yes, they'll probably put pressure on her and

her look like an ass.

But she's carrying 3 ,000 years of oppression. Maybe 4 ,000. Maybe 6 ,000.

don't know that only 6 % of the women in this country make over $10 ,000 a year.

$10 ,000 a year. So those men are going to try and take a narrative. A big

knife. A big long knife. Let's do it. Let's do it. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Mother, you shouldn't let what Arthur says upset you.

Maude.

Sweetheart, I've never seen you this insecure.

Walter, don't you realize this is the first time in my life I'm having the

opportunity to be something more than just a woman in a man's world. Walter, I

am an individual with responsibilities.

Oh, it's scary.

Oh, sweetheart, you're going to do fine.

Ta -da! Look, Mother, we all chipped in and bought you that. It's for your first

day on the new job. To the new office manager.

Yay!

Oh, it is just...

Oh, M -S for mood.

Mood, Maude Findlay.

You know, we had the F for Findlay done in watercolor in case you would get

married again.

Oh, look at me. Just look at me. I mean, here you all are gathered around

wishing me luck, and how do I react? Just like the stereotyped hysterical

female.

Well, I promise you I will not be that way at the end.

Oh,

thanks, everybody. I know I can do it. Nothing can stop me now.

Loves yellow.

Touching. Very touching.

Come on, Woody.

So she's a woman. So she's our boss. So what?

You want me to be happy about it? You want me to be happy about a woman being

our boss? Okay.

For she's a jolly good female. For she's a jolly good female.

It won't be so bad, Woody.

We all got along with Maude before, and we will now.

She hands out the assignments, and we do our own thing, as always.

Yeah, we do our own thing, just as long as she doesn't mess up any of my deals

or give us that temperamental stuff, because it's the wrong time of the

You are?

You are?

What am I? You are prejudiced against women. I got a legitimate reason.

I married one.

Another day, another dollar, right?

Good morning, Maude.

Well, if anybody asks us, we'll just deny it, right?

Did I tell you wrong day?

That's enough, Woody.

Well, now, guys, I'll tell you.

I've been looking over the sales figures from last month, and quite frankly, I

think we can do one heck of a lot better.

Now let's just take a look at them.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Oh, they are beautiful.

Oh, Bud, Bud, thank you. You remembered yellow.

Oh.

Uh,

uh, look, um...

Guys, I don't want to sound unappreciative. I mean, they're lovely,

you like flowers.

Guys,

what I'm trying to say is, well, if your new boss had been a man, would you have

given him flowers?

No, we would have given him cigars. Well, then, I would have preferred

Great.

Be my guest.

I'll keep it for later.

What I'm trying to say, guys, is that our relationship should have absolutely

nothing to do with the fact that I am a woman. That kind of relationship I

already got with my wife.

About what I have planned for today. Excuse me, I've got to get the Radman

files.

Well,

I had a number of houses that I...

I thought we would.

Woody,

I want to talk to you.

Look, Maude, you do your job and we'll do ours and everything's going to be

okay, all right? No, Woody.

Now, look, Woody, I know why you're acting the way you're acting, Woody. You

think you do?

Woody!

Okay, Maude, you want to talk? Have a seat.

Ah, now you see, there you go. Woody, would you have done that for a man?

you have pulled out a chair for a man?

No, I wouldn't. My point exactly.

Now listen to me, Woody.

I am not a woman.

Do you understand me, Woody? I am a person like you are a person. Bud is a

person. Tom is a person.

I am a person, Woody. Do you understand?

Okay.

Now, I'd like to get to my desk person. So could you move your boobs out of the

way?

You can't talk to a lady like that! No, no, no, she's a person! You've got to

apologize to her! I can hide! I'll prove it to you! Go ahead, go ahead, Woody.

Say something dirty.

I'd be delighted. Why don't you take a flight? No, I don't!

Believe us now, she's crying.

I beg your pardon.

May I see someone about a house?

You'll have to wait. We're breaking in a new office manager.

Mort.

Mort!

keeps the doctor away.

Over here, it's an apple a day.

Oh, well, whatever it takes to keep you away, darling.

You know, when I worked for the chief physician at the University of

they taught me three things to do each morning. I had to check my blood

pressure, my pulse, and my purse.

Why did you check your purse?

Well, the chief physician's wife was a kleptomaniac.

I remember when the poor man died, we couldn't find his body for six days.

You've got to learn.

Never ask that woman a question.

Maud, what are you doing home?

Something's wrong.

What's the matter? Did you forget something? I warned her to have some

breakfast. I bet it's malnutrition.

No, no, no.

Now it looks much more like tired blood.

Honey, don't you want to talk to her?

She doesn't want to talk to us.

Wait a minute. She's getting up.

She's walking.

She's crossing to the closet.

Uh -oh.

It's a box of memorabilia.

It's the Shirley Temple doll her mother gave her for her fifth birthday.

On the good ship, I leave my pizza sweet, drip to

a candy shop, drip on my plate. On the sunny beach, a peppermint day.

Walter, why did my mother force me to play with dolls?

Why was I forced to wear curls?

thinking that women could only be nurses, secretaries, and housewives.

How could I possibly be a boss when all my life I've been trained to be Rebecca

of Sunnybrook Farm?

George, what on earth happened down there? Oh, I hate myself. I hate, hate,

hate, hate. Don't ruin your facelift.

Two of the men started a fight because of me, and I couldn't stop them.

And I did absolutely the worst thing I could have done.

I behaved like the stereotyped woman.

I started to cry.

Oh, Mother.

So you lost control and you cried. So what?

Some people blow their stack and other people cry. There's nothing to be

of.

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck, when I want your advice... I know, when you want my

you'll ask for it. Right, I'll ask for it. Oh, very well.

As long as you ask.

Now, you went to that office this morning trying to act like a he -man

of having the confidence to act like a she -woman.

Mrs. Naugatuck, this is... Please, I'm not finished.

There's nothing wrong with being feminine.

I mean, take Mahatma Gandhi's daughter, why, she wears flowing silk gowns, and

yet she became the Prime Minister of India.

And how did she start?

Washing her father's loincloth.

So if you want my advice, madam, and the next time you're unsure of yourself

as a female...

Remember your father's underwear.

That's right, Walter. It's like when you fall off a horse. You've got to get

right back on again.

Okay, I'll try.

If I'm not back down in five minutes, you'll know I was trampled to death by

jockey.

M -S -M -F.

M -S for Ms.

M -F for my foot.

Oh, Lord, oh, Lord.

Walter, Walter, Walter.

Maude, you shouldn't feel so bad.

Oh, Walter, it was the worst moment of my life.

Walter, one of the men was treating me like a helpless female. The other was

resenting me because I am female. I couldn't cope.

But, sweetheart, you can't blame yourself for this.

Walter, I let the company down.

They were depending on me.

Oh, Walter, I'm so confused.

I'm a woman, and I don't want to act like a woman.

I don't want to act like a man either.

There's nothing wrong with being a woman.

Sweetheart, you are the epitome of a marvelous, exciting, wonderful woman.

I know that, Walter.

I want to be much more than that.

No, you're much more than that.

Much, much, much more.

Oh, Walter. Walter, help me.

Help me, help me find myself.

Maude, you are beautiful.

I know that, too.

Tell me I'm intelligent. Tell me I'm capable.

You are intelligent.

Capable.

Competent.

Do you really mean that?

You have to have more faith in your own ability.

You've got to realize that you can function as a woman in that place just

you function so sensationally as a woman everywhere else.

Well, it's true that when I first started working in person, I did

Of course you did, but let go.

Just be yourself.

I mean, I was the company choice to be office manager, and if I can accomplish

all that...

Then why should I be ashamed of acting like a woman? You shouldn't be ashamed.

Never, never, never be ashamed.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, if I only had the courage to go back.

Maud, you must go back.

And you will go back.

Right after lunch.

Walter, it's special moments like this when I realize how much I need you.

And vice versa, Walter. Vice versa.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, you're giving me the lift I need.

I'm doing the best I can.

Walter, thanks to you, I think I can do it. I know I can do it. I will do it.

And, Walter, I promise I'll never, ever let sex stand in the way again.

Now you're talking.

Those men were wrong, Walter. Society is wrong, and it's up to real women to

change that. Mark, where are you going?

Back where I belong, Walter. Back to that office.

But, Mark, I thought...

Walter, it's 10 o 'clock in the morning.

One for you.

Thank you. And for you. What?

And one for you.

And mother pin a rose on me.

And from now on, no more fight, no more tears. You have your assignments.

Gentlemen, get to work. Oh, you're going to make your own coffee.

Maude, I... That's a terrific case. What does the MS stand for? Master Sergeant?

That's cute, Woody. No, actually, it stands for Millicent Sweetbreads.

She was a piano tuner who became the very first woman president of the United

States. I believe it was in 1945. I remember voting for her because when she

first arrived at my house... Truce.

But, Woody, about this morning, I'm sorry.

I was pressing...

No hard feelings. Yeah, I was a little upset myself, you understand.

A guy gets passed over for a 9 ,000... 9 ,000 a year job, he gets a little

steamed.

You know what I mean?

Oh, of course I do, Woody.

Of course I do.

I didn't want you to see me this way.

Woody.

Woody, don't be embarrassed. I mean, if it had happened...

Did you say 9 ,000?

Yeah. I'm only getting seven.

Well, naturally, you're a woman.

Well, the company figures a dame doesn't need as much as a man. You know, a man

has a wife, a family to support, and inflation and all of that. You're

different. You've got a guy to support you.

Listen, you two. You have exactly ten minutes to get him shaped up and back to

work. And that goes for both of you also.

If I'm going to do a $9 ,000 a year job for $7 ,000, I am going to take the

longest coffee break in history.

Walter, where are you?

Are you still upstairs?

Good, you stay there.

If you think I'm going to take this lying down...

Oh,

yeah!

Maude was recorded on tape before a live audience.