Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That I'm compromising, enterprising,

anything but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconut.

These are all standing in a row.

Very nice, Mrs. Naugatown.

Thank you.

At times, I'm sorry I defected from the Bolshoi Ballet.

At times, so am I.

It's five o 'clock. Where's Maud? She's next door with Mrs. Harmon.

But she left a message for you on that contraption.

That contraption happens to be a Bellman Combination Refrigerator tape recorder.

It's the hottest new item in my store.

I'm stuck with two dozen of them.

I'll let you know what her message is.

Walter, don't take off your coat. I want you to run right out and get me the

following things. Oh, for crying out loud, I just got home. I know you just

home, Walter, but there are a few... How do you like that? She's got me arguing

with my own refrigerator.

No offense meant, sir, but I've heard you and the missus arguing, and you

use the practice.

All right, all right. Nobody panic. I have everything under control. Walter,

you still here?

Don't you listen to your own refrigerator.

What?

Do as it told you.

Hi. Look at my new sweater. Carol, I need your help. Mother, look at my...

There's no time to explain.

Well, if you really must know, I have just three hours before the party. But,

Mother, you'll never guess how much I paid for this. Oh, Lord, my nails are a

mess. Here, Carol, buff this. Mother, I... Buff, Carol, buff. You'll find

polish in the den.

By the way, Mother, I'm three months pregnant.

Carol, I don't care what you do at the office. When you're home, you work.

Walter, are you still here?

Maud, will you calm down? It's just a little party.

A little party? You call a sit -down dinner for 12 people a little party?

would you call the last supper?

Potluck?

For crying out loud, Maud, it isn't even your party. It's Vivian's. What are you

doing all this for? Because poor Vivian is a nervous wreck.

As anyone would be when her husband calls at 4 o 'clock in the afternoon and

says, Oh, by the way, dear, there'll be 12 extra for dinner tonight. And then

hangs up.

Oh.

Mmm.

Well, Mrs.

Nogatuck, all that work for royalty certainly paid off.

Oh, where did you get this fabulous recipe?

TV Guide.

Hi, Grandma. Not now, Philip.

Hi, Grandpa. Hi, Philip.

Philip, we don't do this with your gum in front of people. It looks awful.

If you want to grow up and be an accepted member of society, young man,

better learn how to behave.

Ruth!

Walter, dear, why don't you make yourself useful and go out and get some

things for the party? Like what?

Oh, come on, Walter. You know Arthur and his friend are intelligent,

professional, sophisticated men. They're doctors.

Get a couple of whoopee cushions and a dozen handbusters.

I'll get it, though.

You ordered two heads of lettuce and three cans of mixed nuts?

Maude, did you order two heads of lettuce and three cans of mixed nuts?

Two heads are better than one.

I heard that, Walter. Throw him out.

How much do I owe you? It's a charge.

Hey, haven't I seen you before? You look awful familiar.

I don't think we know each other. Hey, there's something about you. Look, I

think you got the wrong guy.

Hey, wait a minute.

You drive a blue sedan?

Yeah, why?

This morning, you stopped for a red light on Main Street.

And just as I drove by on my Honda, You were sucking on a sour ball and spit it

out the window.

Walter. I know, I know.

Whoopee cushions.

Three months pregnant?

Oh, Carol, do you think my low -cut blue dress will make me look too sexy?

Not anymore, Mother.

That's right, Carol. Hit and run.

Marv Finley, what in tarnation are you doing to my wife?

What? You're making her a nervous wreck.

She's got the seating arrangement all fouled up.

She put a brain surgeon right next to a foot specialist.

Can't do that. They're at opposite ends of the body. What would they talk about?

If they compromised and met halfway down the back, they could talk about you.

Buddy, I don't think you realize what a coup this is for me.

My... guest of honor is one of the biggest neurosurgeons in the country. I

very lucky to get him. It was just a last -minute thing.

Arthur, what are you doing?

Oh, Vivian forgot to order liquor. Where is that cold duck I gave you for

Christmas? You took it back for New Year's.

Oh, yeah.

What is that smell?

Stuffed cabbage Dubrovnik.

You're going to serve cabbage to 14 people in one room?

But I think you're deliberately trying to ruin my party.

Arthur, if it weren't for me, there wouldn't be any party.

Oh, Maude, Maude, I need your help right away.

Vivian, please.

It's unbecoming for a prominent physician's wife to submit to hysteria.

You didn't find Dr. Schweitzer's wife running around the jungle like a chicken

with its head cut off.

Who are you?

I'm your man.

Of course.

Stella, I didn't recognize you in somebody else's house.

Maude, since you're handling everything tonight, would you please tell Stella

exactly what she's supposed to do? Oh, gladly, Viv, gladly.

Now, look, Stella, dear, actually, there is very little for you to do. I have

already made the main dish. I want you to do a few extra things like fix the

remoulade sauce for the seafood cocktail, clean the shrimp, toss a green

prepare and cook the vegetables, and for dessert, make a baked Alaska.

Then you'll simply serve, clean up, and wash the dishes.

That's all there is to it. That's all?

That's all.

I quit.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stella, you can't quit.

I don't do windows and I don't do parties.

Which is why the Harmans have the quietest house and the dirtiest windows

neighborhood.

Stella, listen, listen. Haven't we always treated you just like a member of

family? Yeah, black sheep of the family.

Vivian. Vivian, let me handle this. I'm a liberal and these are my people.

Now, look. This is a very, very important occasion.

And as a prominent civil rights leader, I would personally appreciate your

making an exception in the case of these au faits.

Well, all right, if you put it that way.

While you do the serving, I'll wash the windows.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I am not that much of a liberal.

Now, listen.

You are going to serve at that party, and that is that.

Well, now, Miss Finley, let me put things as delicately as I know how.

If you think that I'm going to serve, you can take a flying leap into your

cabbage Dubrovnik. Bye.

years ago when she came to work for Arthur, I said, Arthur, do not hire her.

is not dependable.

I'm ashamed, but I've lost my may.

This whole evening's going to be a total disaster. It's likely to be the end of

my marriage to Arthur.

That's the spirit, Vivian. Look on the bright side.

Now look, Vivian, I promised you a sensational party and you're going to

sensational party. But who's going to serve?

Mrs.

Naugatuck. I'll lend you Mrs.

Naugatuck. You will? Well, of course. It's the least I can do. Oh, that's

perfectly wonderful.

Oh, come on. Vivian, it's nothing. You mean you really don't mind?

Why should I mind? Who would mind?

If you have to leave the room, Mrs. Naugatuck, it's perfectly all right.

Just a moment. Just a flippin' moment.

A person can lend another person a book or a few bob, but a person does not

lend another person another person.

Calm, Queen Vivian, calm. Now, look, Mrs.

Nogatuck, I wasn't going to lend you love.

That's just the American way of asking you if you have the time, as a person,

a friend, to help Mrs. Harmon out in her hour of need. As we say at the

Birdwatcher Society, bullfinch.

I'll give you 20 bucks. I'll be there at 7.

Oh, thank you. Oh, now, let me see. There'll be 12 of us for dinner.

Stop acting like a doctor and go get dressed for the party.

Wonderful, Walter. Those doctors will adore it. Party? We're not going to any

party. What are you talking about? Of course we're going to the party. What

makes you think we're invited? Arthur never said anything about us coming. Oh,

come on. Now, Walter, do you honestly think that Vivian, my oldest and dearest

amigo in the whole world, would let me knock myself out saving her first big

dinner party if I weren't invited?

shows how little you know about the deep simpatico between two women who have

known and loved each other for 35 years.

Oh, Maude, I think everything's going to be fine now. Thank you so much. Oh,

sweetheart, it was nothing.

That's what friends are for. And you're the dearest.

I'll tell you all about the party tomorrow morning.

Maude, are you all right?

Maude, what are you doing?

Hello, police.

I'd like to report a noisy party.

37 Crenshaw.

Now, no rush. It doesn't start for three hours.

we are not going to the most miserable, rotten, tacky party ever given in the

free world.

You figured we're not going, right?

Heavens no. I mean, I have nothing to wear.

All right, Maud, what are you up to?

Come on, Walter, I'm not up to anything.

with the possible exception of a completely foolproof scheme to have

crawling on her hands and knees, begging me to come to her party.

Ward, you are acting small and petty. Walter, I am not small and petty.

Big and petty.

Hello?

Oh, um, Vivian, I'm so sorry, dear, but Mrs. Naugatuck can't make it.

No, she just caught her nose in the pressure cooker.

Yeah, she's currently suffering from a soft -boiled septum.

I never do anything small.

So that's it. Mort, what a rotten thing to do. You are right, Walter.

Rotten, miserable, thick, and completely brilliant.

Now, go upstairs and get dressed for the party.

Mort, I will go to a party tomorrow night, next week, next month, but not

tonight. I think your behavior is neurotic and childish.

Neurotic and childish? This from a man who cries when he misses a rerun of

Gilligan's Island?

Marty, we have to talk to you. Oh, Vivian, Arthur, I'm so glad you popped

Walter and I were just about to go out and rotate our tires. Won't you join us?

Marty, this is no time for practical jokes.

I am under a great deal of stress, and Vivian's nails are still wet.

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Coming! Coming!

Back upstairs, Naugatuck. You're not going.

I wish you'd told me earlier. I could have gone downtown and picked up a

Mrs. Naugatuck, the fleet may be in, but your ship sailed about ten years ago.

here, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Back upstairs.

I wish you'd make up your minds with all this up and down and I've got to run in

me pantyhose.

It's obvious Maude's upset because she wasn't invited to the party.

Oh, come on, Vivienne.

I wouldn't go to that party if you got down on your hands and knees and begged

me. Although you're welcome to try.

Maude, we thought we were doing you a favor.

Ma, we thought you'd be bored stiff.

Vivian, I stuffed my cabbage for you.

Marty, please, it's nothing personal. You just don't belong at the party. It's

only for doctors.

Ma, Arthur's right. His party's a dull, dumb, and stupid.

Thank you, Ma.

I mean, even if you get lucky and the doctors tell a dirty joke, the parts of

the body are in Latin.

That's right, and I confirm it. Arthur, tell them the one about the certified

public accountant on the fallen metatarsal.

Oh, yeah.

There was a certified public... Oh, shut up, Arthur.

Oh, come on, Arthur. It is perfectly obvious.

Walter and I aren't good enough for you and your friends.

That is absolutely untrue.

Now, I demand that you release Mrs. Nogatuck.

It's too late to get anybody out. Then may I suggest self -service, which would

be very apropos, considering the fact that your house is decorated in early

-in -the -Box?

Maude, please, don't you see it's too late to get... Walter, you've got to

to her.

Don't you see what she's doing?

Between her irresponsible accusations and her withholding Mrs. Naugatuck,

reduced Vivian to tears.

I beg your pardon.

We're invited to a party at the Harmon's, and they aren't at home. Do

where they are?

Oh, the Harmon's.

Haven't you heard?

Heard what?

They're dead.

They're... They're really dead?

Yes, as far as we're concerned.

Make him give us Mrs. Naughty, Doctor.

Please.

Do you want us to beg?

We'll beg.

Come on. Beg, beg, Vivian.

Beg, Vivian. Vivian, get down. No, no. Down, Vivian.

I wouldn't be able to face myself in the mirror.

But with that dress you're wearing, you wouldn't be missing anything.

Maude! Maude! Just exactly what is it you want from me?

I want you to throw your arms around me and tell me you are sorry that you

treated me in such a miserable, rotten, shoddy way, and that you won't be able

to sleep nights unless I come to your party. Maude, I think you're after...

sorry that... Oh, Arthur, shut up!

I'm sorry I treated you in such a...

Rotten, miserable,

shoddy way.

And I won't be able to sleep nights unless you come to my party.

Please.

N -O spells no.

God.

I had to tell you every single word to say.

And quite frankly, I said it all much better.

I know I should have invited you to come to my party, but, you know, I was just

so upset and so nervous.

But you know that I love you, and I wouldn't do anything in the world to

you, Mom.

And I just feel awful.

You feel what?

As you know, Walter, my guest of honor is a very important person. In fact, he

was mentioned today in Earl Wilson's column in the paper.

Oh, yeah? Why?

Well, his wife's an actress.

She was in King Kong.

King Kong?

Yeah. She was the one that King Kong took up to the top of the Empire State

Building.

Fay Wray?

Fay Wray, Arthur?

Fay Wray?

I'm the only man in the world who has seen King Kong 153 times.

Ten to one, he mentions Bruce Cabot.

Bruce Cabot.

Bruce Cabot!

Standing there, clutching, clutching, Fay Wray, with a dress in shreds and a

long blonde hair blowing in the wind, Robert Armstrong.

Robert Armstrong!

With the poor dead Kong lying at his feet and saying, and he actually said

Arthur,

It wasn't bullets. It was beauty that killed the beast. You mean that Fay Wray

is going to be at your house?

Yeah. All the doctors are bringing their wives.

How could you have Fay Wray and not invite us?

Oh, Walter, what's the difference? Who cares?

You have never introduced me to one interesting person.

And the one time you have one, we're not invited.

Where the hell do you think you're going?

Back upstairs!

Walter, come on. Arthur is your best friend. That's right.

Good Lord, Walter. I know sooner get your hysterical, dumb, dumb wife calmed

down than you start.

Hysterical, dumb, dumb wife?

Arthur, you are a stupid, condescending quack.

I resent your innuendo, Marty.

How dare you call Arthur a quack? You're not even one of his patients.

Which is why I'm standing here right now, Ben.

I am shocked. I thought you people had more class.

Class? What do you know about class?

You paid for our wedding present with green sand.

Vivian, you told.

Don't talk to me about class, Marty. I'm a wizard of Avis.

All wallet belongs to the country company. I had to be told to buy white

Oh, yeah? I got personalized license plates. Big deal. Anybody can get plates

that say Wally F. I have MD plates. Arthur can park in a bus stop.

I know. That's where he picked you up.

And to think we considered you our friend.

Oh, come on, Vivian, you have no friends.

We're the only people who like you enough to be your enemies.

Don't crochet your legs.

Now, wait a minute, all of you.

Now, let me tell you something about friendship.

What? Ours is over, and get the hell out of my house.

That's just fine with me.

I'll be old and gray before I set foot in this house again.

Like before you had your hair dyed and your face lifted?

Well, I never.

I know. That's why you had your hair dyed and your face red.

Vivian, we are leaving. And I can assure you it'll be a frosty Friday in May

before you're invited to our house at a party again.

Faye Kong or no Faye Kong.

If you think that I would ever come to a party that you gave ever, if you think

I would step one foot in that dump and throw away my pride and my dignity

Think to the depth of being your friend. You are out of your mind.

Because if there's one thing I have left in this whole world, it is my dignity.

spent in my life.

Oh, boring.

Anyway, and her husband never even showed up. Oh, boring.

Boring, boring.

That's what happens when you get a room full of doctors.

Couldn't even get a word in edgewise. All shop talk.

Oh, nothing but hearts, kidneys, livers.

Oh, my butcher would have been right at home.

longest night of my life. I thought it would never end.

What time is it? 8 .30.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.