Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc put the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Right on, Maude.

I could have danced all night.

I could have danced all night.

And still to beg for more. Mrs. Nogatuck, who made this lousy coffee?

I did.

That's why we British always drink tea.

Enjoy your day off.

Thank you.

Ta -ta.

Walter, what's wrong with Mother this morning?

Maybe she had a cup of coffee.

I don't know how to talk to her. She just stares at me and shakes her head

Don't take it personally, Carol. She did the same thing to me all last night.

Where are you going so early?

I'm driving up to Albany to pick up Philip, remember?

It's his last day with his father. Oh, yeah.

Hello and goodbye, Mother. I don't talk to strangers.

Mother. You're a stranger, Carol, a complete stranger.

Only a complete stranger could do to her mother what you've just done to me.

Mother, for the last time, what's wrong? Keep your voice down, stranger.

Do you want Walter to find out? I don't even know what you're...

Your secret is safe with me. It is buried deep, deep inside me, never to be

brought up as long as I live. What was that man doing in your room last night?

What? Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

The man in my room? I should be so lucky.

Carol, if you want to be a tramp, I was young once and can understand that.

But to lie to your own mother... I'm not lying! I distinctly heard a man's

laughter from upstairs last night at 1230, at 3, and at 417.

And don't tell me it was Walter.

He does a lot of things in the bedroom, but laughing isn't one of them.

Not since he turned 50.

Well, all I can say is you must have been dreaming. I was definitely not

dreaming, Carol.

If I'm going to dream about a man sneaking into a bedroom, it won't be

bedroom.

Then you're hearing things. Maybe you're getting senile in your old age.

Thank you, darling.

I only hope I live long enough to become a burden to you.

I don't know what you heard last night, but there was not a man in my bedroom.

Better luck next time, Carol.

Walter, I'm sorry. I didn't want you to hear.

I didn't want you to know that Carol has blackened the reputation of our home.

Maude, the hell's angels couldn't blacken our reputation.

Mother, I'm getting a little angry.

Number one, I didn't have a man in my room last night. Number two, I'm not in

the habit of doing things like that.

And three, you know me.

You love me. I'm your daughter.

You should believe me.

Oh, Carol.

Carol, I believe you. That's better. Just don't let it happen again.

All right, all right.

This is a crazy house.

I live in a crazy house.

Hello, have you met my mother? She's crazy.

Walter, Walter, I love Carol. And I have never, ever doubted her, but Walter...

There was a man in her room last night. I'm positive.

Then there's only one thing you can do, Maude. What's that, darling? Raise her

rent.

You know, darling, there is a God.

And he is capable of getting you.

So just in case he's passing over Tuckahoe, don't push it.

I knew it. I knew it. Carol has a guilty conscience, and she's coming back to

apologize. Walter, fix your hair.

Darling, I forgive...

Forgive you.

How did you know we broke all the buttons?

A lucky guess.

Eddie, isn't there some mistake? I don't have anything at the cleaners.

It's for your house guest, the Duchess of Naugatuck.

Our Mrs.

Naugatuck? The Duchess of Naugatuck? Yeah, where is she?

Eddie, have you been sniffing the spot remover again?

Not really.

I won't blab it around. She told me the whole thing. How she's the widow of the

Duke of Naugatuck, a direct descendant of Henry VIII. Well, she does look a

little like Charles Lawton.

Oh, Eddie, tell me, what does she owe you? Oh, it's no charge. It's on the

house. Eddie, no charge.

Well, she promised us an autographed picture to hang in the shop of her

croquet with the Queen Mother.

If it means free cleaning, I'll give you an autographed picture of me.

Doing what?

With your prices, you name it, I'll do it.

No.

We really have to do something about Mrs. Naugatuck. I mean, this running

town telling these wild stories.

Who knows, Mort? Maybe she is royalty.

Oh, come on, Walter. Do you know what she told them at the delicatessen?

Her grandmother was the illegitimate child of Queen Victoria and Eddie

Then she talked him out of a package of English muffins and a three -foot kosher

salami.

I'll hang these in the Duchess's room. Maybe you better not, Mort. You know how

she is about anybody going into her room. She's an absolute nut on privacy.

Well, today's her day off, Walter. She went into town to do a little shopping

and lying.

I will just go in, hang up the clothes, and out. No snooping!

Walter, have you ever seen me snoop? No. Then follow me.

You know, Mort, This will be the first time I've ever been in her room.

Walter, you know, you'll think you're in England. She has everything in there

but Big Ben.

Of course, I haven't been in there since yesterday.

Look at this, an indoor flea market.

Maude.

Maude, look at this.

She was the bee girl on the Titanic.

Did she actually tell you that? No, the shoemaker did.

Ducks, I'll always love you.

Who's the guy with his arm around her?

Walter, that's Winston Churchill.

I thought he looked familiar.

She claims that they had an affair in a bomb shelter during World War II.

No kidding.

Oh, come on, Walter. She obviously pasted his face on somebody else's body.

Which accounts for him being in the uniform of the Canadian Mounted Police.

the closet.

Why should I? Look in the closet.

There's a naked man in there.

Maybe it's Big Ben himself.

There must be a very simple explanation for this. Walter, I know that

explanation.

Everybody's got to be someplace.

That is the man that I heard laughing last night. So it was Mrs.

Naugatuck. Look at the bright side, Maud. Maybe the guy from Carol's room

sneaked in here. Would you?

Walter, do something.

Good morning.

Good morning.

I don't wish to be rude, but what the hell are you doing in the closet?

Everybody's got to be someplace.

Sorry about that. I overheard you through the door.

I told you there was a simple explanation.

of cheeks sneaking into my room like a couple of bloody burglars.

Never mind that, Mrs. Nogatuck. Who is that man in your closet? It's no

business of yours.

That's who that man is in my closet.

I'm sorry for this intrusion, Alfie.

Just stay where you are, dear.

Walter, do something.

Madam, this is my room.

Out, both of you.

Dirt. Mrs. Morgenthauke, I think you owe us an explanation.

I said out.

Very well. If you won't tell us, I'll ask him.

What's it all about, Alfie?

I'll give you two trespasses.

Five seconds to clear out of here.

One.

It is not your home. It is my room.

I don't believe this.

Our housekeeper has a man in her room. He stays, we get thrown out, and it's

fault.

Walter, we've just been evicted from a room in our own home.

What gripes me is she did it so easily.

One, two, five.

She really has a lot of nerve, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

Mrs. Nogatuck! Yes?

I demand that you tell me what that naked man is doing in your closet.

Beats me.

When I left, I told him to stay under the bed.

Maude, it's got to be an innocent relationship.

I mean, she couldn't, not at her age.

Walter, that's what Carol says about me.

This is the last straw, Walter, she has gone. Too far this time.

Maud, why are you making such a fuss?

You were the one who wanted sleep and health. Yes, but that doesn't entitle

to have sleep and health.

Madam, if you don't mind, I'd like to have a word with you.

Well, it's about time.

Very well, Mrs. Naugatuck, what do you have to say? I demand an apology.

You?

You're the one who should apologize.

What for?

For you busting into my room, making guests in my closet feel ill at ease?

How could you let her do a thing like that?

Mrs. Naugatuck, I was in that room, too.

But knowing her, she was the ringleader.

Ringleader? Walter!

Well, it's pretty hard to deny, Maude.

I'm waiting for an apology.

Well, you can wait till hell freezes over.

That's another thing. I wish to complain about the heat in my room.

It seemed to be hot enough last night, Mrs. Walter.

dirty mind dirty Walter that's even harder to deny Walter

you know what I love about you what

nothing watch me leave

all right Mrs. Nogatuck let's get right to the point

what was that man doing in your room all night he wasn't in my room all night He

didn't sneak in until well past midnight.

Besides, it's my room.

It's sacred to me.

It's a little piece of my beloved homeland, away from home. Oh, come on.

not... Ah, this scepter dial.

This precious stone set in a silver sea.

This blessed... Please, Mrs.

Nogatuck. Please, I have not finished.

This realm...

This England.

William Shakespeare.

Balzac, Mrs. Naugatuck.

I was sure it was Shakespeare.

You British are all alike. Every time you get in a jam, you try to weasel out

it with your cornball poetry.

Oh, you have got your oysters in a stew, haven't you? You keep my oysters out of

this. Now, don't you walk away from me. Mrs. Naugatuck, I have every reason to

be furious.

Would you be furious if I was to tell you that Alfie was my nephew and that he

got into town around midnight and asked me to put him up?

No, I... I guess I wouldn't. Very well, then. In that case, Alfie's my nephew.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You stop evading. What are

you doing?

I'm gonna make Alfie a sandwich.

You can take it out of me severance pay.

Severance? Severance? You are not quitting.

Oh, there you are, you see. You don't believe anything I say.

Mrs. Nogatuck!

Among other things, you have told me that you ran a bawdy house in Australia,

that you were once a drag racer in Burma.

And that as a baby, you were suckled by a wolf in Tanganyika.

Well, you must admit, it beats the hell out of being a housewife.

How would you know? All you've been all your life is a liar.

I don't believe any... Anything you say, at any time, about anything, you are

totally incapable of telling one simple truth. Well, I'll tell you three truths.

One, Alfie is my nephew, and he comes from a lovely little town called

Camden, and he's the world's tallest professional tango dancer.

The world's tallest... professional tango dancer from Chipping Camden.

Freddie?

Come down here and bring the music.

Freddie? You said his name was Alfie.

Yes, it is.

Alfie Freddie.

Yes, it's a very common English name.

Do you know something, Mrs. Naugatuck? You are hopeless. You are impossible.

I'm very sorry you don't believe me, ma 'am.

But if you don't want to believe me, I can't force you to.

Actually, quite a lot of people don't believe me, but what does that matter?

What does matter is that I believe me.

Hello, hello, hello.

What is it, love?

Oh, over there, dear.

Alfie, this woman will not believe your reputation as a tango dancer.

And I am here to prove it.

I wanted to be sure to be nose to nose with you before I said this.

How do you like them apples?

Mrs. Roberts, where do you think you're going?

Upstairs to pack.

Listen, I'm sorry about my appearance upstairs in the closet.

But if I'd known we were going to be formally introduced, I'd have put me

skivvies on.

Thanks for the hospitality, anyway.

Anytime.

Our closet is your closet.

Well, I really must be running along to work. My boat sails at three. Ah, I knew

it. You're a sailor.

Oh, blimey, no.

I'm a tango instructor on a cruise ship.

Sounds like an interesting job.

And dangerous. In bad weather, I've danced overboard three times.

Uh, Mr. Freddy, uh...

One question.

Are you really her nephew?

Did she tell you I was?

Then I'm her nephew.

I don't know what to believe.

Why don't you try believing what she believes?

May I tell you something?

She loves you people, and she loves working here.

She hasn't got a soul left in the world, you know that?

Only her dreams and her illusions.

You take those stories away from her, she'll be left with nothing.

Oh, I know.

She may stretch the tooth a bit here and there, but she's not hurting anyone

now, is she?

I know, but I'm a housekeeper to tell people that she's the Duchess of

Naugatuck. Oh, but she is, you know.

She is?

You're joking.

Not at all.

Her first husband was the Duke.

I would make him my uncle.

Poor bleeder.

Went off on a fox hunt once in Swidden's day, and we never saw the ruddy Burke

again.

Never saw the ruddy Burke again.

That's right.

Well, I really must be popping along.

Cheery -bye.

Walter, what I did to that lady is inexcusable. I don't care if he's her

or uncle or a babysitter. I have to tell her I'm sorry.

Who is it?

It's me, Mrs.

Naugatuck. May I come in? No!

I came to apologize.

You're too late.

Oh, but Mrs.

Naugatuck... You had your chance, and you bungled it.

If you was to go down on your hands and knees and beg, it wouldn't be no good.

Anyone who doubts my veracity obviously doesn't want me around.

And if I'm not wanted, I'll leave.

So I'm leaving.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck, I don't want you to leave.

then I'll stay.

But on one condition.

That when I have overnight guests, I don't want any flack from you.

Now, is that clear?

Yes, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Because I honestly, sincerely believe that Alfie is your nephew.

You do?

I do.

Oh, thank you, Mum.

I'm not one to fib.

Never have, never will.

I must confess, I do have occasional little lapses of memory.

Oh, Mrs.

Nogatuck.

Mrs. Finlay. I promise I will never, ever doubt your word again,

Duchess. Oh, so you've heard that I once married the Duke.

Oh, poor devil.

He went down with the Titanic, you know.

Alfie said that he was lost on a fox hunt.

Oh, he was.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

The fox hunt was held on the Titanic.

Yes. The Duke always...

Travel first class.

What's going on here?

Nothing, Mom. Why?

Don't tell me. I distinctly heard tango music, and I know it takes two to tango.

I was taking lessons, Mort.

Seems I'd be married to a closet tango dancer.

Oh, yes!

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.