Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right or not?

There's a prowler in the house. Get up.

What are you doing up?

Prowling.

At three o 'clock in the morning? I'm sorry, Walter. These are the peak hours

for prowlers.

Well, I've got a big day at the store tomorrow.

Is something the matter?

No, nothing. Just a touch of insomnia. You go back to sleep.

You'll never want that trouble sleeping in the six years we've been married.

And for the four months before that.

That's three months, Walter. Don't brag.

Go to sleep and I'll be there in a few minutes.

Well, I'll never get to sleep now.

Actually, Walter, I do have something to tell you. You see, sweetheart...

Nothing. I was plucking my eyebrows and got hold of a hair with the longest root

in the world.

Come on, Maud. The longest root, Walter. Look.

Something's got to be wrong, Maud. So what is it?

Maud. will you please tell me what's wrong?

I have to paint my toenails.

No, that's not it. Yes, it is. Look at them.

They look like I've been washing dishes with my feet.

Ward, is it something I said?

No. Is it something I did? No.

You're having an affair?

Yes.

Ward. Don't be silly, Walter. How could...

you went to visit her.

Walter, Walter, why would I want to fight with a sweet, dear woman who

have the decency to thank me for the five -pound box of saltwater taffy I

my back to bring the old witch?

Aha! Well, now that that's settled, we can get some sleep.

I knew that that was it. It's not it.

Come on, Maud.

Tomorrow's my 14th annual Indian summer clearance sale.

to sleep until you come to bed? All right. All right, all right, all right,

Walter. I'll come to bed.

Good. But I guarantee you I won't be able to sleep.

Try. I'll try, Walter, but it won't work.

You're not trying. Yes, I am. Close your eyes.

Oh, I forgot.

Now I can't sleep.

Maude, I'm sorry. I...

Damn!

What?

What's the matter?

What's the... Damn!

Walter, could you give me just a little more information than that?

You want to know what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong.

Tomorrow is my 14th annual Indian summer clearance sale, and there's a raging

blizzard outside.

Damn.

I'm going to go broke. How am I going to sell summer merchandise in the middle

of a snowstorm?

Who could be calling?

No, this is not ginger.

How's my what?

Boy, do you have the wrong number.

How can I have a sale in weather like this?

Stop snowing out there. I'm not in the sled business.

Snow, snow, go away. Come and get some other things.

I'm bored. I have to go.

We're going to have a nervous breakdown.

Nothing is worth all this.

Oh, forget it, Morg.

You shouldn't have bothered you with my business problems.

Hello? No, this is not Ginger. No, this is Peaches, Ginger's roommate.

It's Ginger's night off.

You... You're an odd fellow from Pittsburgh?

No, I'm not busy.

No, you can't miss it. It's on Dover Street, right over the all -night

Oh, and pick up an anchovy pizza.

You'll roll around in it, Italian style.

This is the worst night of

my life.

Come on, let's try and get some sleep. No, you go ahead, Walter. I couldn't

possibly. If I can, you can.

Whatever your problem is that it's not a...

as important as mine.

And just what do you mean by that?

Okay, Lord.

Tell me what your problem is.

Oh, Lord, I'm getting a headache.

You lost your charger plate?

You broke the fingernail.

You can't decide what to serve the ladies at your meeting.

Shrimp puffs or cheese balls?

That's all you think I have to think about, Walter?

Shrimp puffs or cheese balls?

Actually, I've decided on mock tuna birds.

Now, you still think that women are senseless, don't you, Walter? You think

us as senseless little creatures with trivial problems.

Lord, I didn't say anything at all like that.

Oh, Lord, what a headache.

Look, all I said was compared to men.

You women have it made.

How do you like that?

Now I find the suppositories.

Have you any idea what it's like to be a man nowadays?

I'm afraid not, Walter. On the advice of my priest, I gave up being a man

shortly after World War II.

I have to take care of this whole house. I have to worry about the world.

Look at this.

Look at this.

Penicillin from 1968.

Well, if you had a social disease instead of a headache, we could... Very

Maud. But there's no aspirin. Here, eagle eye.

Hello?

Yes, Peach is here.

You want to bring along a friend? Of course. The more, the merrier. Yeah. Oh,

and don't worry. I have penicillin from 1968.

You see, Walter, and you think that we women don't have real problems.

Okay, well, tell me what your problem is.

I'll forget everything that's on my mind while I'm strangling to death with

business problems.

So go ahead, tell me about your serious, serious problem.

All right, I will. And darling, thank you so much for giving me part of your

precious time to tell you about my little, little problem.

Walter... My sink is not sparkling white.

And as if that weren't enough, oh, Lord, how do I tell him I found out that my

housecoat has a ring around the collar.

Ring around the collar.

One other thing, Walter. I have to have a hysterectomy.

You what?

Hysterectomy, Walter.

You'll find it in the dictionary right after hysteria and hysterical.

Oh, my God.

Oh, honey, honey, I didn't mean to break it to you like this.

What? I'm sorry.

You must be scared to death. I am.

But, honey, Dr.

Dysart said that it's not a serious operation. I mean, there were just a few

little things wrong, and he feels I should have it taken care of now.

Mort, Mort, and here I'm talking about business.

Mort, sweetheart, if anything happened to you, I... Oh, Walter.

Look, Walter, the doctor said that he is reasonably sure that there was

absolutely nothing to worry about. But just to be 100 % positive, he wants me

have the operation.

Don't you think we should get a second opinion?

Walter, if a woman can't trust her own gynecologist, who can she trust?

I still think you should get a... I already did.

Come on, Walter, sweetheart, it's a very simple operation.

Everybody's having it done.

Nancy Hobson started the whole thing when she had hers.

Nancy Hobson had one?

When? Oh, years ago. She had her hysterectomy even before she got colored

Oh, boy, what a night.

Oh, you know, now that it's out in the open, Walter, I can't tell you how much

better I feel.

Mort, are you sure that... Honey, honey, there is nothing to worry about.

Everything is going to be all right.

Sure it will.

Now, listen, Walter, I want you to promise me that you're not going to

I promise.

And you too, Mort.

I promise.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, darling.

Good Lord, we're going to have matching mustaches.

Please, what are you doing in there?

Practicing shaving.

But, Ward, you said yourself it was a simple operation.

Walter, it's not the operation. It's after. It's the whole chemical balance

the body changes.

What are you talking about? I know for a fact we will never have matching

mustaches.

Walter, how do you know?

Because if we do, I'll shave mine off.

Walter, be sensible.

If every woman who had a hysterectomy grew a mustache, half the wives at the

club would look like Groucho Marx.

They do.

Walter, it's over. It's over. It's all over.

What's over? We're over.

Walter.

Oh, Walter.

You won't want me.

When I'm all hairy and fat and flabby and blah.

What are you talking about, fat and flabby?

You've seen Nancy Hobson. She looks like a horse.

That's because she eats like a horse.

Being fat has nothing to do with her hysterectomy. Yes, it has.

It's the hormone imbalance.

She told me so herself Saturday when we were at Schrapp's having hot fudge

sundaes.

With the cans.

Oh, Lord, Walter, I'll be a mess.

A beast.

My voice will change.

God will get you for what you're thinking.

Where are you getting all this nonsense?

What did the doctor say? I didn't ask him, Walter. I was too upset.

Besides, he was busy, a waiting room full of patients.

Honey, why didn't you ask him while he was examining you?

Obviously, you have never been to a gynecologist.

Oh, Walter, so many people have loved this face.

I wonder what it's going to look like with five o 'clock shadow.

Mort, it's time that we found out what the facts really are.

What are you doing?

I'm calling Arthur.

I'm not calling Arthur.

Why not? He's a doctor.

I don't want anybody to know about the operation until it's over. Besides, you

know what a blabbermouth Vivian is.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, what's to become of us?

What's to become of our love life?

Absolutely nothing. You can say that again.

I love you, and I'll always love you.

Oh, Walter, we'll never be the same. You'll no longer find me desirous. Where

are you going?

To the bathroom.

You see, you're losing interest already.

Walter, if you're not out in two minutes, I'm selling the bed.

Hello, Arthur, it's Walter. Listen, I gotta talk to you.

Well, you're a duck... You're a doctor, aren't you?

Come on, I already took a couple of aspirin, Arthur.

Arthur, this is urgent.

Just come as you are. I'll meet you at the back door.

And don't tell me the toilet seat.

Okay, Mort, I'll tell you what's up.

I just called Arthur and I asked him to come over.

Walter, I asked you not to.

You're driving yourself crazy and you're driving me crazy.

Now, once and for all, we're going to get the facts from Arthur. But why must

be Arthur?

Because Arthur is a doctor and he's my best friend.

Walter, two wrongs do not make a right.

sit down and take off your coat. I can't. I've got nothing on underneath.

Well, you said come as you are.

I'll tell you something, Walter. If you're not awfully sick, I'm going to be

furious.

Arthur, it's Maud.

She has to have a hysterectomy.

I know that.

How do you know?

Dr. Dysart told me.

He's a tenant in one of my buildings.

Now, Walter, let me tell you something.

Today, hysterectomies tend to be a fad.

Like Frisbees.

Lots of women are having needless hysterectomies. But not Dr. Dysart's

He's a very fine physician.

Arthur, Maude is so scared she hasn't slept a wink all night.

Well, maybe I better have a little talk with her.

She won't talk to you.

Oh, don't be too sure, Walter.

There are two things that no woman can ever pass up. A telephone and free

medical advice.

Arthur. See?

Listen, Arthur, maybe Walter is right. Maybe I should talk to you. Of course,

Marty. Any help I can be. That's very sweet of you, Arthur. Here, let me take

your coat. No, no, no, no.

I'll be more comfortable with it on, thanks.

Arthur, if you keep your coat on, you'll catch cold. No!

I got nothing on underneath.

Catch cold.

Come on, sit down over here, Marty.

Now, listen.

I know all the things that you're worried about.

Fuzz in the face.

fat farm fantasies, the ugly duckling syndrome, nothing but old wives' tales.

A hysterectomy is a simple operation.

In fact, over at the hospital, we refer to it as a south -of -the -border

tonsillectomy.

Look, Arthur, Arthur, I heard what you said about old wives' tales, but,

what I really want you to tell me, oh, please, now, give it to me straight,

Arthur. I mean about, you know, when I, I mean, you know, Walter and I,

well,

you know, it takes two to tango.

Oh, you'll be able to dance.

too strongly. Not to worry.

Nowadays, with pills and hormones, you'll be like a new woman. A classic.

1928 Packard with a rebuilt engine.

A 1928 Packard.

You know, Arthur, my father had a 28 Packard. You know where he kept it?

In the garage.

Up on blocks.

What?

Now, don't worry, old buddy. Everything's going to be just fine.

All you have to do is prove to her that you will love her as much after the

operation as you do now.

And you will, Walter.

Nothing's going to change.

Thanks, Arthur.

Okay. Good night.

Good night.

Perfect weather for your Indian summer sail.

declining years, they can bury me in a bunker.

What, darling?

Sweetheart?

What was that, Walter? A mercy kiss?

There you go again.

I talk to you, Arthur talks to you, but nothing matters, huh, Mort?

Walter, Walter, don't you understand?

Honey, it's not me I'm concerned about. It's you.

Walter, you're so vibrant. You're so vital. You're so alive.

You're so virile. I mean, you're such a man that I know in my heart when I turn

into Grandma Moses, you're going to cheat like a bandit.

Look, Walter, if you think I'm going to give you the satisfaction of asking you

what you're doing in that bathtub, you're crazy.

Well, you are crazy, so tell me what you're doing in that bathtub.

One, I gotta get some sleep.

Two, I'll never convince you of anything.

And three, since you're so positive I won't find you attractive, I better

getting used to separate beds.

I see.

Okay, Walter.

Good night. Sleep well.

I am not too happy with you at this moment.

This is the nicest thing that's happened all night.

You forgot to feel sorry.

You're so wet.

You know, darling, I know it's childish, but I'm still scared to death about the

operation. Not just that operation, but any operation.

Well, maybe we ought to do something to take your mind off it.

You're the sweetheart. I really have to get some sleep.

I have to be at the hospital at nine for some tests.

Tests? What kind of tests?

Oh, just, they call it a medical clearance. It's just a routine, you

checkup that they want to give me before I go into the hospital. Oh, well, if

that's all it is.

So, please.

Why not?

Honey, I'm not even supposed to have breakfast.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.