All language subtitles for maude_s03e07_walter_s_dream

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.

That I'm compromising, enterprising,
anything but tranquilizing.

Vivian, will you give me a break? You've
been standing in front of the mirror

for three hours.

But do I really look good? You look
marvelous.

Very glamorous.

Sexy? Do you think Arthur will go
absolutely berserk when he sees me

Maybe you'd better use the mirror.

Well, I mean, I hope Arthur's at least a
little hungry for me.

Hungry? Well, I don't know about
Arthur's appetite.

But when Walter comes home from these
fishing trips, he charges in like he's

Ewell Gibbons and I'm a bowl of grape
nuts.

Well, I mean, I just hope Arthur's at
least a little pent up.

Vivian, after 14 days in the Canadian
wilderness, Arthur will be ready for

anything without antlers.

Mark, why is it that men like to go off
together so much?

I don't want to know.

Ma, I don't want to sound indelicate,
but do you think I look bosomy?

Vivian, you've been an adult woman for
quite a few years now. Haven't you ever

looked down, even accidentally?

But I put a little makeup in my
cleavage.

Vivian. A good snowfall helps, but it
doesn't make Switzerland look any

That's them!

They're back! That's them! They're back!

Sweetheart! Oh, darling! I love you! I
love you! I love you!

Just a simple card on Valentine's Day
will do.

We thought you were our husbands.

Oh, Mrs.

Naugatuck, we haven't been with them for
two weeks. Tell us honestly, how do we

look?

Like a pair of barracuda waiting for a
stray cow to cross the river.

That has to be them! That has to be...
Wait, wait, wait.

Vivian, wait a minute. Wait a minute,
Vivian.

The way to play it is cool, blasé, and a
little distant.

Now get out of my way! I want Walter to
see me as soon as he walks in.

Maude? Maude? Do I look sexy?

Wet your lips.

you look like the Japanese soldier who
just found out the war is over.

Do you have any idea how much we spend
on gasoline in

Canada?

Great, so I'll figure it out for you and
I'll have it for you.

Look, Walter, why don't you and Arthur
go out and run through the sprinklers?

I am a man, Maud, a man with mud on him.
Canadian mud.

Pure, natural, organic soil from Canada.
It's dirt, Walter.

Imported, but still dirt.

And that's not all.

Look at that arm.

That's been smoked of a pine. A Canadian
pine -smoked arm.

Ripped by... a branch of a big birch
near Brush Creek.

Or a bevrosin from a sweet gum tree.

A calling card dropped by a wild
speckled goose.

Lord, I know I'm raunchy, but I can see
how thrilled you are to have me home.

Well, actually, I'm... I'm overwhelmed.

So after you... Scrape off the top
layers of mud and guano. We'll

And we'll break open a bottle of air
wick.

You're right, Ford. Come on, Arthur.
Let's go wash up. I got it.

$98 .42 just for gasoline.

And they say doctors are robbers.

And that's not even counting the oil.

Vivian.

Vivian, I think you're going into shock.

Vivian, can you hear me?

It's just that my expectations were so
high, and then when Arthur hardly even

glanced at me... Come on, now, Arthur is
like cheap French wine. He doesn't

travel well.

But this will pass, and all we can do is
just be sweet and patient while they

work through their pattern.

What pattern? What's going to happen?
Well...

Let's see. For example, Walter will
start by enumerating the things that he

You know, wonderfully exciting,
fascinating things like he picked up a

And then he'll catch a fish. Oh, God,
please don't let him tell about catching

that fish.

We've got to move up there, Maude. We've
got to. He'll say this every day for a

week while I smile.

That's our role when they come back from
these fishing trips.

Moronic Madonnas.

Ward! Ward, guess what?

Ward, guess what?

I ate peas with a knife.

Twelve peas, Maude, all on one knife.

An even dozen. I am so proud of you,
Maude.

And then you know what? I took that
knife and stuck it right into the table.

Swack! And it went wing, wing, wing,
wing, wing, wing, wing, wing, wing,

Oh, that's beautiful, Walter. So
outdoorsy. Maude.

Popeye Kling.

He owns the Moose Tooth Lodge.

Well, he wants to expand, and he's
willing to take me as a partner. Hey,

did you tell him about the poem I wrote
up there?

Oh! Arthur, you wrote a poem.

Oh, not just a poem.

A classic.

An American outdoor classic.

I'm going to go down with Kipling.

Holy mackerel, the fish. Come on,
Walter.

We've got to take the heads off, fill
them, and get them in the freezer. The

fish, Ward, the fish.

Twelve months a year eating fresh fish.

I'll catch them, and you'll gut them.
Think about that.

Why doesn't he say hello?

You know New Yorkers never say hello.

Mark, do you think you'll really go down
with Kipling?

I hope so, Vivian.

And soon, for your sake.

Hi, Viv.

Arthur, would you please do me a favor
and go out and say something to Vivian,

please? Vivian? Oh, oh, yes, Vivian.
Here.

Oh, Vivian.

How thoughtless of me.

You wanted to hear my poem.

I saw a cloud up in the sky.

I wondered why.

I wondered why.

But it began to rain.

And with each drip, my soul was swabbed
by heaven's Q -tip.

Arthur, that's beautiful.

I know.

I wrote that poem.

with a piece of birch bark and a stick
of charcoal and a flickering

And I love the makeup on your cleavage.

It's tawny blush on.

Helena Rubinstein. Oh!

I love these suburban orgies.

And then there's this little shallow
pool, and everybody says, oh, don't go

there. You'll never catch a fish over
there.

One morning, I just moseyed over.

You know me.

I didn't even have a pole.

I had a string and a hook and a couple
of worms in my pocket.

I dropped the string into this little
shallow pool, and bingo! I caught the

biggest fish you ever saw.

The folks around the lake, they couldn't
believe it. Hank and Stoney and Slim

and Doc and Perky and... Spud. Spud!

They threw us a big party in their cabin
that night. The folks around the lake

sound right friendly.

I'm serious this time, Ward.

I rapped with God up there.

And then this miracle happened.

This deal with Popeye Kling opened up.

I can sell my business and invest in
that lodge.

We've got to move up there, Maud. We've
got to.

Walter, please, not again.

There you go, doing it to me again.

You've known for years that I've had
this need to get out of this concrete

jungle. This stifling existence.

Keeping up with the Joneses.

But you don't care.

You're killing me, Maud. You're killing
me.

Well?

Walter, I have two words for you.

Flock!

Arthur,

Walter would like to see you in the
kitchen.

Oh, and Arthur, I love the Helena
Rubinstein on your cheek.

This is the worst. This is the worst!

I mean, it is bad enough that I have to
put up with his little games year after

year after year, but this time, going
into partnership with Mr. Bigfoot at

Titicaca.

Do you know what I ought to do this
time? Do you know what I ought to... I

to teach him a lesson and call his
bluff.

This time I should tell him, yes, we'll
sell the business. Why don't you?

You are right, Vivian.

You are right.

I am going to tell him that we are
moving up to the wilderness where our

neighbors have four paws and bury their
nuts in the winter.

There's something else I want to tell
you. Walter, wait, wait. I have

to say to you.

Walter, forgive me.

I didn't mean to step on your dream.

Oh, Walter, how could I have been so
thoughtless, so selfish to impose all

comfort on you?

Walter, I am going with you to Loose
Tooth Lodge.

Loose Tooth Lodge? Stop humoring me,
Mort.

Not darling, honestly.

But I'll tell you, we cannot
procrastinate, Walter. We must strike

iron is hot. Now, I'll tell you what
we're going to do. Tomorrow morning,

thing, I am going to put the house up
for sale.

You call Henry Jenkins.

You know, he's been trying to buy
Findlay's appliances for years.

Let's call Mr. Jenkins right now and
tell him you're selling the store.

Uh, yeah, information?

Rigo Park.

Yes. Jenkins.

Henry.

No, I'm sorry. I cannot look through the
directory. I'm at an orgy and some

clown is fogging up my contact lens.

Yes, I'll hold on.

No, Morg. No.

No, Walter?

Vivian, this might be of interest to
you. It seems that Walter is changing

mind again.

Walter, why won't you let me call Mr.
Jenkins about the store?

Because I already did. And he jumped at
the chance.

Maude, we're going to live in the
Canadian wilderness.

Walter.

You did it, Maude. You did it. I told
him it was a deal if I could talk you

it. But I didn't have to.

thwacked by my own... Oh,

it's just lovely.

And I'm crazy about that kitchen. Oh,
Tom, let's buy the place. Yeah, yeah.

really getting good vibes about this
house.

I've always wanted a workbench like
you've got in the basement.

Oh, the workbench doesn't go with the
house.

Oh.

The heck?

I love the bar.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. The bar doesn't
go with the hats.

We'll take the hat.

You'll take the hat? Sure.

It's a godsend to us.

After living in an apartment, we've
always wanted a place with three

Oh, the bathrooms don't go with it.

All right, I'll throw them in.

Are you sure you want to sell this
house? No.

I mean, yes. Oh, I... I mean... Oh, now
look. Look,

we love this house.

I'll pay you any reasonable amount. Why
don't you just call us when you're

ready? All right.

I'm terribly sorry if I seem upset. It's
just that my husband and I are so eager

to get out of here. Here, I'll call you
first thing in the morning.

you're not really going to go through
with this, are you?

Ma, all your roots are here. Why'd you
be throwing away your entire life?

Look, Vivian, Margaret Mead, one of the
world's greatest anthropologists, said

that we American wives outlive our
husbands because we're so materialistic

we kill them off early.

I figure this move to Canada will add
five years to Walter's life, take ten

mine, average us out, and we'll die
together.

I don't think that's what Margaret
needs, Matt. Now what the hell does she

To Henry Jenkins, the new owner,
janitor, and head gopher of Finley

Terrific. To Walter Finley, the only guy
I've ever known that had the guts to

grab the impossible dream.

Come on, Arthur.

No, no, no, I mean it, Walter.

You'll be driving a pickup truck,
wearing thermal underwear, feeding polar

taller than Maude.

Maybe you're careful.

Gee, thanks, Arthur.

Oh, it's going to be funny having a
Friendly Finley's without a Finley, eh,

Henry? I'm not going to have that
problem, Walter. The first thing I'm

do is change the name of the store.

What?

Henry, you'll be throwing away 25 years
of goodwill.

Henry, that store is known all over the
neighborhood as Friendly Finley's. I

always thought Friendly Finley's was
hokey.

Yeah?

What are you going to call it?

Jolly Jenkins.

Why didn't I think of that?

Well, I'll see you at the lawyer's
Thursday.

Oh, don't forget the going -away party
at Walner's tomorrow.

Right, I'll see you then. See you there.

Jolly Jenkins.

Jolly jerk.

Imagine changing the name of Friendly
Finley. That man's throwing away my

immortality. Walter, the Finley name may
not be up in light.

but it will always blink in the hearts
of those of us you left behind.

You're right, Arthur.

Look at the hardware store in the corner
that was sold.

The guy put in 30 years building that
business, and nobody ever forgot his

Whose name?

What's his name?

Oh, Josephson, or Jameson, something
like that. Right.

He spent all those years, and then he
quit, moved to the Midwest, and he...

To run a chicken farm. Gee, I wonder how
he's doing.

Shot himself two years ago.

Too savvy in activity.

Friendly Findleys.

That's not hokey.

Good night, Charlie. Good night, Marion.
Thanks for coming by.

Don't worry, Walter. I'll keep the old
store jumping.

Who cares?

Isn't Walter adorable with that moose
call?

He doesn't really hunt moose, though. He
just wants to move up there and be

accepted by them.

Right, right.

Hey, Arthur!

Arthur makes his moose call using only
his hand.

If you could give milk, Arthur, we'd
take you along.

While you two are mating, I'll get the
coffee.

We're really going to miss you, old
buddy.

Just think, this time Friday, you and
Marty will be up there in the wilds of

Canada, living it up.

That's right!

Tomorrow you'll go in, you'll sign the
papers, and it's goodbye store.

Yeah!

You'll last her off with this way of
life. You better!

You're a smog.

Walter.

You're going to Canada to be a man.

Men don't cry.

You're right, Arthur.

That wasn't the new me crying. That was
the old me.

I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't
really mean it.

Selling the business.

Selling the house.

Doing what I'm doing to Maud.

our forsaken country.

I'm going to miss my kitchen so.

Goodbye, stove.

Goodbye, sink.

Goodbye, refrigerator.

I'll defrost you after everyone's gone
to bed and we can cry together.

Oh, Maude, Maude. Oh, Maude, Maude.

Male ego.

Thank God I'm wise enough not to have
any.

Poor Walter.

Arthur, what the hell are you talking
about?

Walter's scared.

Scared?

Do you mean that after all he put me
through, Walter is having second

at the last minute and won't tell me?

Male pride and dignity.

The man's gone too far.

How could Tarzan tell Jane that he fell
out of the treehouse?

Dr. Vivian, go home. You don't want to
be here to witness the carnage. What?

Tarzan did not fall out of that
treehouse. Jane pushed him.

The snow is snowing and I'm not going
and he can marry a moose.

Oh,

Walter, honey, I'm really looking
forward to going, aren't you?

Me? Are you kidding? I'm dying to go.

Perhaps.

Of course, we will miss Arthur and Viv
and...

Carol and little Philip, but... But, you
know, the wonderful thing is I really

can't think of one good reason for not
going. Can you?

Not one.

Not one.

Ooh!

You burned yourself.

Maud, you burned your pinky. Oh, honey,
it'll be all right. Look, I just

happened to think, if that happened up
there in the wilderness, where would we

get a Band -Aid?

I'd run down to the corner drugstore.

Maud, the nearest corner is 47 miles
away.

That's all right. I love a good jog in
the morning.

Jog? Mort, it's cold and windy up there.
The north wind.

Your hair will look a mess.

Where would we find a hairdresser?
There's no Mr. Billy.

Mr. Billy will fly up.

Mr. Billy always flies.

Worst comes to worst, I'll wash my own
hair. You know, through a hole in the

ice.

But, Maud!

Oh, besides, Walter, I'll have my big,
strong, handsome, Northwood's he

-man to take care of me.

That reminds me.

You're a gynecologist.

Where would we find one?

Not in the Yellow Pages.

The Yellow Pages are only one page
thick.

The Mounties will find us one. The
Mounties always get their gynecologists.

I can't let you do this.

I'm just a selfish beast indulging
myself in my own pleasure while forcing

to leave behind the things you hold most
dear.

Your druggist, Mr. Billy, your
gynecologist.

Taking you away from the things you love
the most.

Findley's Friendly Appliances.

Maud, we're not going.

Oh, come on now, Walter. I will not let
you throw away your lifelong dream just

because I happen to be crazy about that
store.

No, Maud, I've made up my mind.

I love you more than my silly old dream.

We're not going, and that's that.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, you're the most...

unselfish man who ever lived.

It's my nature.

That is Arthur with that ridiculous
moose call.

Okay, Marty.

Only the head, Arthur.

The other end is still a horse.

Oh, yeah.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.