Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.

That I'm compromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing.

Vivian, will you give me a break? You've been standing in front of the mirror

for three hours.

But do I really look good? You look marvelous.

Very glamorous.

Sexy? Do you think Arthur will go absolutely berserk when he sees me

Maybe you'd better use the mirror.

Well, I mean, I hope Arthur's at least a little hungry for me.

Hungry? Well, I don't know about Arthur's appetite.

But when Walter comes home from these fishing trips, he charges in like he's

Ewell Gibbons and I'm a bowl of grape nuts.

Well, I mean, I just hope Arthur's at least a little pent up.

Vivian, after 14 days in the Canadian wilderness, Arthur will be ready for

anything without antlers.

Mark, why is it that men like to go off together so much?

I don't want to know.

Ma, I don't want to sound indelicate, but do you think I look bosomy?

Vivian, you've been an adult woman for quite a few years now. Haven't you ever

looked down, even accidentally?

But I put a little makeup in my cleavage.

Vivian. A good snowfall helps, but it doesn't make Switzerland look any

That's them!

They're back! That's them! They're back!

Sweetheart! Oh, darling! I love you! I love you! I love you!

Just a simple card on Valentine's Day will do.

We thought you were our husbands.

Oh, Mrs.

Naugatuck, we haven't been with them for two weeks. Tell us honestly, how do we

look?

Like a pair of barracuda waiting for a stray cow to cross the river.

That has to be them! That has to be... Wait, wait, wait.

Vivian, wait a minute. Wait a minute, Vivian.

The way to play it is cool, blasé, and a little distant.

Now get out of my way! I want Walter to see me as soon as he walks in.

Maude? Maude? Do I look sexy?

Wet your lips.

you look like the Japanese soldier who just found out the war is over.

Do you have any idea how much we spend on gasoline in

Canada?

Great, so I'll figure it out for you and I'll have it for you.

Look, Walter, why don't you and Arthur go out and run through the sprinklers?

I am a man, Maud, a man with mud on him. Canadian mud.

Pure, natural, organic soil from Canada. It's dirt, Walter.

Imported, but still dirt.

And that's not all.

Look at that arm.

That's been smoked of a pine. A Canadian pine -smoked arm.

Ripped by... a branch of a big birch near Brush Creek.

Or a bevrosin from a sweet gum tree.

A calling card dropped by a wild speckled goose.

Lord, I know I'm raunchy, but I can see how thrilled you are to have me home.

Well, actually, I'm... I'm overwhelmed.

So after you... Scrape off the top layers of mud and guano. We'll

And we'll break open a bottle of air wick.

You're right, Ford. Come on, Arthur. Let's go wash up. I got it.

$98 .42 just for gasoline.

And they say doctors are robbers.

And that's not even counting the oil.

Vivian.

Vivian, I think you're going into shock.

Vivian, can you hear me?

It's just that my expectations were so high, and then when Arthur hardly even

glanced at me... Come on, now, Arthur is like cheap French wine. He doesn't

travel well.

But this will pass, and all we can do is just be sweet and patient while they

work through their pattern.

What pattern? What's going to happen? Well...

Let's see. For example, Walter will start by enumerating the things that he

You know, wonderfully exciting, fascinating things like he picked up a

And then he'll catch a fish. Oh, God, please don't let him tell about catching

that fish.

We've got to move up there, Maude. We've got to. He'll say this every day for a

week while I smile.

That's our role when they come back from these fishing trips.

Moronic Madonnas.

Ward! Ward, guess what?

Ward, guess what?

I ate peas with a knife.

Twelve peas, Maude, all on one knife.

An even dozen. I am so proud of you, Maude.

And then you know what? I took that knife and stuck it right into the table.

Swack! And it went wing, wing, wing, wing, wing, wing, wing, wing, wing,

Oh, that's beautiful, Walter. So outdoorsy. Maude.

Popeye Kling.

He owns the Moose Tooth Lodge.

Well, he wants to expand, and he's willing to take me as a partner. Hey,

did you tell him about the poem I wrote up there?

Oh! Arthur, you wrote a poem.

Oh, not just a poem.

A classic.

An American outdoor classic.

I'm going to go down with Kipling.

Holy mackerel, the fish. Come on, Walter.

We've got to take the heads off, fill them, and get them in the freezer. The

fish, Ward, the fish.

Twelve months a year eating fresh fish.

I'll catch them, and you'll gut them. Think about that.

Why doesn't he say hello?

You know New Yorkers never say hello.

Mark, do you think you'll really go down with Kipling?

I hope so, Vivian.

And soon, for your sake.

Hi, Viv.

Arthur, would you please do me a favor and go out and say something to Vivian,

please? Vivian? Oh, oh, yes, Vivian. Here.

Oh, Vivian.

How thoughtless of me.

You wanted to hear my poem.

I saw a cloud up in the sky.

I wondered why.

I wondered why.

But it began to rain.

And with each drip, my soul was swabbed by heaven's Q -tip.

Arthur, that's beautiful.

I know.

I wrote that poem.

with a piece of birch bark and a stick of charcoal and a flickering

And I love the makeup on your cleavage.

It's tawny blush on.

Helena Rubinstein. Oh!

I love these suburban orgies.

And then there's this little shallow pool, and everybody says, oh, don't go

there. You'll never catch a fish over there.

One morning, I just moseyed over.

You know me.

I didn't even have a pole.

I had a string and a hook and a couple of worms in my pocket.

I dropped the string into this little shallow pool, and bingo! I caught the

biggest fish you ever saw.

The folks around the lake, they couldn't believe it. Hank and Stoney and Slim

and Doc and Perky and... Spud. Spud!

They threw us a big party in their cabin that night. The folks around the lake

sound right friendly.

I'm serious this time, Ward.

I rapped with God up there.

And then this miracle happened.

This deal with Popeye Kling opened up.

I can sell my business and invest in that lodge.

We've got to move up there, Maud. We've got to.

Walter, please, not again.

There you go, doing it to me again.

You've known for years that I've had this need to get out of this concrete

jungle. This stifling existence.

Keeping up with the Joneses.

But you don't care.

You're killing me, Maud. You're killing me.

Well?

Walter, I have two words for you.

Flock!

Arthur,

Walter would like to see you in the kitchen.

Oh, and Arthur, I love the Helena Rubinstein on your cheek.

This is the worst. This is the worst!

I mean, it is bad enough that I have to put up with his little games year after

year after year, but this time, going into partnership with Mr. Bigfoot at

Titicaca.

Do you know what I ought to do this time? Do you know what I ought to... I

to teach him a lesson and call his bluff.

This time I should tell him, yes, we'll sell the business. Why don't you?

You are right, Vivian.

You are right.

I am going to tell him that we are moving up to the wilderness where our

neighbors have four paws and bury their nuts in the winter.

There's something else I want to tell you. Walter, wait, wait. I have

to say to you.

Walter, forgive me.

I didn't mean to step on your dream.

Oh, Walter, how could I have been so thoughtless, so selfish to impose all

comfort on you?

Walter, I am going with you to Loose Tooth Lodge.

Loose Tooth Lodge? Stop humoring me, Mort.

Not darling, honestly.

But I'll tell you, we cannot procrastinate, Walter. We must strike

iron is hot. Now, I'll tell you what we're going to do. Tomorrow morning,

thing, I am going to put the house up for sale.

You call Henry Jenkins.

You know, he's been trying to buy Findlay's appliances for years.

Let's call Mr. Jenkins right now and tell him you're selling the store.

Uh, yeah, information?

Rigo Park.

Yes. Jenkins.

Henry.

No, I'm sorry. I cannot look through the directory. I'm at an orgy and some

clown is fogging up my contact lens.

Yes, I'll hold on.

No, Morg. No.

No, Walter?

Vivian, this might be of interest to you. It seems that Walter is changing

mind again.

Walter, why won't you let me call Mr. Jenkins about the store?

Because I already did. And he jumped at the chance.

Maude, we're going to live in the Canadian wilderness.

Walter.

You did it, Maude. You did it. I told him it was a deal if I could talk you

it. But I didn't have to.

thwacked by my own... Oh,

it's just lovely.

And I'm crazy about that kitchen. Oh, Tom, let's buy the place. Yeah, yeah.

really getting good vibes about this house.

I've always wanted a workbench like you've got in the basement.

Oh, the workbench doesn't go with the house.

Oh.

The heck?

I love the bar.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. The bar doesn't go with the hats.

We'll take the hat.

You'll take the hat? Sure.

It's a godsend to us.

After living in an apartment, we've always wanted a place with three

Oh, the bathrooms don't go with it.

All right, I'll throw them in.

Are you sure you want to sell this house? No.

I mean, yes. Oh, I... I mean... Oh, now look. Look,

we love this house.

I'll pay you any reasonable amount. Why don't you just call us when you're

ready? All right.

I'm terribly sorry if I seem upset. It's just that my husband and I are so eager

to get out of here. Here, I'll call you first thing in the morning.

you're not really going to go through with this, are you?

Ma, all your roots are here. Why'd you be throwing away your entire life?

Look, Vivian, Margaret Mead, one of the world's greatest anthropologists, said

that we American wives outlive our husbands because we're so materialistic

we kill them off early.

I figure this move to Canada will add five years to Walter's life, take ten

mine, average us out, and we'll die together.

I don't think that's what Margaret needs, Matt. Now what the hell does she

To Henry Jenkins, the new owner, janitor, and head gopher of Finley

Terrific. To Walter Finley, the only guy I've ever known that had the guts to

grab the impossible dream.

Come on, Arthur.

No, no, no, I mean it, Walter.

You'll be driving a pickup truck, wearing thermal underwear, feeding polar

taller than Maude.

Maybe you're careful.

Gee, thanks, Arthur.

Oh, it's going to be funny having a Friendly Finley's without a Finley, eh,

Henry? I'm not going to have that problem, Walter. The first thing I'm

do is change the name of the store.

What?

Henry, you'll be throwing away 25 years of goodwill.

Henry, that store is known all over the neighborhood as Friendly Finley's. I

always thought Friendly Finley's was hokey.

Yeah?

What are you going to call it?

Jolly Jenkins.

Why didn't I think of that?

Well, I'll see you at the lawyer's Thursday.

Oh, don't forget the going -away party at Walner's tomorrow.

Right, I'll see you then. See you there.

Jolly Jenkins.

Jolly jerk.

Imagine changing the name of Friendly Finley. That man's throwing away my

immortality. Walter, the Finley name may not be up in light.

but it will always blink in the hearts of those of us you left behind.

You're right, Arthur.

Look at the hardware store in the corner that was sold.

The guy put in 30 years building that business, and nobody ever forgot his

Whose name?

What's his name?

Oh, Josephson, or Jameson, something like that. Right.

He spent all those years, and then he quit, moved to the Midwest, and he...

To run a chicken farm. Gee, I wonder how he's doing.

Shot himself two years ago.

Too savvy in activity.

Friendly Findleys.

That's not hokey.

Good night, Charlie. Good night, Marion. Thanks for coming by.

Don't worry, Walter. I'll keep the old store jumping.

Who cares?

Isn't Walter adorable with that moose call?

He doesn't really hunt moose, though. He just wants to move up there and be

accepted by them.

Right, right.

Hey, Arthur!

Arthur makes his moose call using only his hand.

If you could give milk, Arthur, we'd take you along.

While you two are mating, I'll get the coffee.

We're really going to miss you, old buddy.

Just think, this time Friday, you and Marty will be up there in the wilds of

Canada, living it up.

That's right!

Tomorrow you'll go in, you'll sign the papers, and it's goodbye store.

Yeah!

You'll last her off with this way of life. You better!

You're a smog.

Walter.

You're going to Canada to be a man.

Men don't cry.

You're right, Arthur.

That wasn't the new me crying. That was the old me.

I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't really mean it.

Selling the business.

Selling the house.

Doing what I'm doing to Maud.

our forsaken country.

I'm going to miss my kitchen so.

Goodbye, stove.

Goodbye, sink.

Goodbye, refrigerator.

I'll defrost you after everyone's gone to bed and we can cry together.

Oh, Maude, Maude. Oh, Maude, Maude.

Male ego.

Thank God I'm wise enough not to have any.

Poor Walter.

Arthur, what the hell are you talking about?

Walter's scared.

Scared?

Do you mean that after all he put me through, Walter is having second

at the last minute and won't tell me?

Male pride and dignity.

The man's gone too far.

How could Tarzan tell Jane that he fell out of the treehouse?

Dr. Vivian, go home. You don't want to be here to witness the carnage. What?

Tarzan did not fall out of that treehouse. Jane pushed him.

The snow is snowing and I'm not going and he can marry a moose.

Oh,

Walter, honey, I'm really looking forward to going, aren't you?

Me? Are you kidding? I'm dying to go.

Perhaps.

Of course, we will miss Arthur and Viv and...

Carol and little Philip, but... But, you know, the wonderful thing is I really

can't think of one good reason for not going. Can you?

Not one.

Not one.

Ooh!

You burned yourself.

Maud, you burned your pinky. Oh, honey, it'll be all right. Look, I just

happened to think, if that happened up there in the wilderness, where would we

get a Band -Aid?

I'd run down to the corner drugstore.

Maud, the nearest corner is 47 miles away.

That's all right. I love a good jog in the morning.

Jog? Mort, it's cold and windy up there. The north wind.

Your hair will look a mess.

Where would we find a hairdresser? There's no Mr. Billy.

Mr. Billy will fly up.

Mr. Billy always flies.

Worst comes to worst, I'll wash my own hair. You know, through a hole in the

ice.

But, Maud!

Oh, besides, Walter, I'll have my big, strong, handsome, Northwood's he

-man to take care of me.

That reminds me.

You're a gynecologist.

Where would we find one?

Not in the Yellow Pages.

The Yellow Pages are only one page thick.

The Mounties will find us one. The Mounties always get their gynecologists.

I can't let you do this.

I'm just a selfish beast indulging myself in my own pleasure while forcing

to leave behind the things you hold most dear.

Your druggist, Mr. Billy, your gynecologist.

Taking you away from the things you love the most.

Findley's Friendly Appliances.

Maud, we're not going.

Oh, come on now, Walter. I will not let you throw away your lifelong dream just

because I happen to be crazy about that store.

No, Maud, I've made up my mind.

I love you more than my silly old dream.

We're not going, and that's that.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, you're the most...

unselfish man who ever lived.

It's my nature.

That is Arthur with that ridiculous moose call.

Okay, Marty.

Only the head, Arthur.

The other end is still a horse.

Oh, yeah.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.