Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. No, it's a dirty

trick. No, it isn't. It is. It is a dirty, rotten, miserable trick. No, it

isn't, Maud.

Come on, for crying out loud. It's five o 'clock in the morning. What do you

want to do? Wake up the whole neighborhood? Yes.

Attention, neighborhood!

Three -day weekend, and what do you do? You go off with Arthur.

Maud, what's wrong with my spending a couple of days away in Vermont?

A vacation from the demands of marriage.

The demands of marriage?

Top of the morning to you all. Good morning, buttercup. Oh, dry up, Arthur.

Hello, buddy.

Maud's nephew's camper is all packed, and I'm raring to go.

Hey, Arthur, you forgot your worms.

Oh, good work, Vivian. I wouldn't want to forget these babies. I got them

wholesale.

Yeah,

I got a friend in Worms.

Bye, bud!

Walter, you're going to be gone for three days, aren't you? You're even

kiss me goodbye.

The next time you kiss me like that, I'll be facing the other direction.

And tying my shoe.

Well,

they've gone.

They've left us.

But this is going to be the most rotten weekend we've ever had.

Our husbands desert us. Everything on television is a rerun. It's going to be

complete disaster.

Oh, let's face it, Viv. There's only one thing that two lonely, desperate women

like ourselves can do in a situation like this.

What? Go off our diet.

Oh, boy.

This is some lunch, huh, Viv?

Now, say, this is almost better than sex.

Why did you taste this?

Huh?

I see what you mean.

You know,

the thing that drives me crazy, Viv, is that while we're cooped up in this

house, where's the drawn butter?

Huh? Vivian, there's no more...

here cooped up with nothing to do. Boy, that really gave me a start.

Those two clowns are out on that lake having the time of their lives,

joking. Gentlemen, welcome to the homiest jail in Vermont.

Oh, will you shut up, Arthur?

Walter, I resent your attitude.

You're the one that was speeding, you know. Speeding?

I was only going four miles over the limit.

Well, four miles over is four miles over, Walter. That's the law. That's

I don't like yelling.

Up here in Vermont, we don't yell, and you talk slower.

And once in a while, you throw in one of those good old New England expressions

like, uh, hey, up.

Wait a minute.

All we did was come up here and go a little fishing, and ever since we did

all we've had is trouble.

Now, come on, will you get on with this? We want to get back on the lace. Leave

me alone, Arthur!

Hey, up, you know.

out where you come from. It's the same place I ran away from, New York, right?

You know why I left?

Listen. The traffic, the smog, the crowds, the noise.

What the?

The delis, the pollution.

The subways, the buses.

Listen, what the hell is that? It's to be perfectly succinct to get away from

loudmouths like you. Mouth, officer, mouth.

I'm on your side.

You've got no gripes coming about this ticket here.

I mean, we're the best -known speed trap in New England. I mean, we're even

mentioned by the Automobile Club.

Now, all you've got to do is post a $50 bond, and you can go home. Now, let me

see your license.

I don't have my license.

Forget you said that. Have you got the $50?

No.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's going to be one of those days.

It's all this idiot's fault.

Idiot?

Well, look, you took all our valuables and put them in a knapsack and now

they're all at the bottom of Lake Willoughby.

That's the thanks I get for saving him from drowning. I saved you from

Who was the one that left the heater on in that tent?

And who put that heater next to the plastic bucket? And who stood up in the

and screamed the tent's on fire and tipped the canoe over?

You, you dumb...

I'll put you up to this, right?

He sent you two up here to get even with me for having a sister who turned to

fat, right?

Look, officer, as soon as we get home, we'll send you a check.

Honest Indians swear on a pigeon.

That's funny.

That's very funny.

As a matter of fact, it's so funny, I'm going to let you try it out on the judge

at 8 o 'clock tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning?

I'm not spending any time in any crummy motel around here.

Do you think I'd let you gentlemen spend any time in any crummy motel around

here? No.

No, not in your life. Oh, thank you. In the clink.

If you don't mind.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

Oh, please, believe it. My reputation as a crime fighter is at stake.

Now, officer, look.

Obviously, there's been some little misunderstanding here. You see...

I'm a doctor, Dr. Arthur Harmon. And this is my friend Walter Finley. He's a

well -known appliance dealer.

Oh, well.

Well, then tell me something. If you're such a big deal appliance dealer and

you're a doctor, then how come you're driving a 59 -volt wagon camper with

ladies painted on the side?

We borrowed it from my wife's nephew. Who is a hippie?

He is not. You see, being a doctor, naturally, I drive a Cadillac. Which is

your patients have to take the bus.

Now, wait a minute, officer. I can call my wife, and she'll wire you the money.

You know, everyone's entitled to one phone call, and they always allow it on

Kojaks.

All right.

All right, just one, but make it short.

Sometimes somebody calls the police.

Who are you going to call?

Room service. Who do you think I'm calling?

Maude! I say we call Vivian. I'm using the phone, and I'm calling Maude. All

right, supposing she's out.

You could get Carol or Phillip.

You want to ask a ten -year -old boy for bail?

No.

Now, we call my house, we get one person, and one person only, and that

person is Vivian. Okay, Arthur.

For once, you're making a little sense.

I'd like to hit a spot.

I'd like to hit Walter's bald spot.

You know what bugs me?

While we're here compensating for their absence by eating and eating... Pass me

the moo -goo guy pan.

The minute Walter comes off that lake, I know he's going to run to the nearest

telephone and call me to say, Mark, I'm having the time of my life. Huh?

There he is. There he is. Come here, little puppy.

Hello?

Yes, Walter, I know you're having the time of your life. Go kiss a fish.

Okay,

Kojak, you've had your phone call.

Now, wait a minute.

I'm not going to spend any time in a crummy jail around here.

You know, you're really asking for it, Walter, the way you're behaving.

I know you're just doing your duty.

Say, why don't we just 10 -4 or 4 -40, whatever that is.

Well, that's good because you'll forgive me because I forgot that since tomorrow

is Sunday, the judge won't be here for two days. Two days? Hold it!

You can get outraged. You can't do this to us.

You don't have any rights.

Well, we'll see about that.

He can't treat us like your average common criminal.

Who are you?

Your average common criminal?

Say, you gentlemen are not going to make too much noise, are you?

I'm composing my memoirs.

By George, extraordinary what these things are like, isn't it?

I never thought much about it.

There once was a girl from Nantucket who...

Hey,

you like poetry? I've got a sonnet over here.

Officer! Officer, there's some absolutely shocking language.

Now, if you're a doctor the way you say you are, then you should be able to tell

me what this is.

Well, let me see.

Yes, yes, I...

with this, purely from a clinical point of view, of course, that's cannabis.

Is what?

Commonly known as pot.

Well, then, what was this doing under the seat of your car?

You must be making a mistake.

I mean, for crying out loud, that's not our stuff.

Physician, it couldn't possibly be mine. It's going to be an interesting trial.

Now, is there anything I can get you, gentlemen, to help while away the time?

Cards?

Magazines?

Five -year calendars?

You know what the judge could give us for one lousy marijuana cigarette?

Well, if it's good stuff, about two and a half bucks.

Arthur, do you realize we are in terrible trouble? A kid in Texas got 25

for one lousy marijuana cigarette.

25 years?

How long was the cigarette?

Now, don't panic, Walter. Don't panic. Nothing like that's going to happen to

us.

Why not? Because you say so?

Officer!

Officer!

Officer!

You never can find a cop when you want one.

Officer! Officer! Hey, Finley, Harmon, please, now, my marriage counselor tells

me I have a very low tolerance level.

I want to make one more phone call to my wife. Please!

Please! All right, all right, all right.

But I really think it would be much kinder to let the poor woman enjoy these

years alone.

I'm whittling a key.

Well, I just wanted you to know that we're not actual criminals.

This is all a big mistake.

Actually, I'm a very prominent doctor, and he's a well -known appliance dealer.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm the society editor for the New York Times.

I'm just checking this place out as a personal favor for Truman Capote.

Please don't argue, Philip.

I know I should have used my one call to call my lawyer.

Philip, I know they always do that on Kojak.

But just remember to give Maude that number as soon as she gets home from

Colonel Sanders.

I'm going to be in jail for the rest of my life and she's getting a bucket of

crunch.

No use.

They're going to throw away the key.

We're nobody's.

Nameless, faceless nobody's.

Nobody knows.

I must say you don't handle pressure very well, Walter.

There must be some reasonable way out of this thing.

Maybe our convict friend here can help us. Let me.

I know the lingo.

Hey, sweetheart.

What do they got you in the big house for?

Well, I'm in for what you might call black evolution.

My great -granddaddy was an immigrant.

My daddy was a migrant.

And I'm a vagrant.

a third -generation bum, Walter.

Well, now, in reality, the only difference between me and you,

little matter of speed.

You were going through town too fast, and I wasn't going fast enough.

As a convict with some experience, how would you go about getting out of here

you were us?

Well...

You could write a letter to Jerry Ford. He's pardoning everybody these days.

I don't think that's very helpful.

No, no.

Well... You could take this cup here, see? Mm -hmm.

and run it across the bars and yell and scream and rip

up everything.

That's what the newspapers call prison revolt.

We call it recreational therapy.

That's ridiculous.

I couldn't do a thing like that. You don't seem to understand. I am a doctor,

prominent doctor.

Ah.

Well, what I'm trying to tell you, prominent doc, is there ain't no...

we three bums can do.

We ain't here as long as the man wants to keep us.

Look, friend, we're in a slightly different position than you are. Uh

see, you're different.

No, that's not quite what I mean to say.

Arthur. You see, you're black.

You're used to injustice.

Oh.

Look, he didn't mean that either.

No?

He is pretty close there.

Arthur, don't you see what he's saying?

In here, we're all the same.

I could just as well be you, you could just as well be him, or he could just as

well be you.

Well, he'd certainly be getting the best of that deal.

Arthur, how can you be so thick?

We're behind bars, all of us.

We're liable to be making our own license plates for the next ten years.

that's ridiculous.

That is ridiculous.

We're innocent. We don't belong here. And I happen to believe our penal system

works. No, I don't.

Well, look at it. It don't even have a seat.

Gentlemen, I have some disquieting news for you.

I just realized that we're now dealing with a felony.

So you're going to have to be seeing Judge Sweeney.

Oh, yeah? The hanging judge?

The hanging judge?

Well, he should be able to get your case on the docket in two or three weeks.

Two or three weeks?

Well, I hope you fellas enjoy my wife's meatloaf because we'll have it for the

entire month.

Walter, you've got to do something!

Don't answer that phone!

Please don't answer it! It's got to be for me!

Please, let me answer that phone! All right, all right, all right.

Oh, Walter, I weigh 300 pounds.

Hey, why did you tell Philip you were in jail?

Oh, come on, Walter, if you were in jail, you wouldn't be able to answer the

phone.

The canoe?

Slap yourself!

She hung up.

Probably to slap herself.

All right, Laurel and Hardy, let's go in you go.

How dare you call us Laurel and Hardy? I'm a prominent doctor and he's...

This is another fine mess you've gotten us into.

What's happening? Nobody will listen to us.

We're nameless, faceless nobodies.

You idiot, that's what we've been trying to tell you all along.

That's right, sweetheart.

more reason to be panicky than you have, Walter.

I'm a prominent physician.

I've got a wonderful practice, a wife who loves me. All you've got is that

stupid business and maud.

If you were in your right mind, I'd punch you right in the nose.

Sure, kick a man when he's down.

Arthur, why are we arguing like this?

We should stick together.

Oh, stick together yourself.

being in jail.

We could be here two years, three years, more years.

You said yourself as some kid in Texas got 25 years.

Yeah, but he was black. You probably only get 10.

I can't sit here and rot for the rest of my life.

I'll be so old, Vivian won't even recognize me.

And she'll be so old, I won't even care.

me for Christmas.

You... Get out of here!

What? If you think I'm going to put up with you guys, you're nuts. This is New

York all over again. You are the worst prisoners I've ever seen in my life,

right? Right.

Take your lousy speeding ticket and get out of my life.

Right. All right, where's that joint?

Here.

I've got nothing on you.

Wrong!

You haven't seen any evidence, have you?

Why'd you do that? I could have smoked it faster than that.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, Oak. I want to thank you very much. Thank you. I think it's really

worth it. Now, please stop crying. We're going out.

In.

This ain't a joke.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.