Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Angel Platt, she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right or not?

Crime. Corruption.

Place in a place in a place.

Golly, we're going to have a mob tonight. Listen, you know what I'd like

do, dear? Count out the silverware.

48 teaspoons and 48 dessert forks.

You're the only person I know who has 48 of everything.

That's because I'm the only person you know who's been married four times.

And you know something, Carol? In all that time, I've only lost three husbands

and one butter spreader.

I'm the replacement for the butter spreader.

What's Grandma's party for this time?

Huh?

Oh. This time the party is to stamp out discrimination against women.

Why?

Why?

A man at the bank got one of the girl tellers pregnant and she was fired. So

tonight they're raising money for her legal defense.

Well, what about the man? How come he didn't get fired?

They can't fire him. He owns the bank.

But that doesn't sound fair.

You're right, Philip. It isn't fair.

But you'll understand when you get a little older and you have your own bank.

Mother, I don't understand.

You hired a housekeeper sight unseen?

No, honey, I know it's unusual, but the agency said that this woman is a gem, a

treasure. Carol, I can hardly wait for her to get here.

Mm -hmm.

Is she black?

No, the agency was fresh out.

No, but this woman is not only a fantastic housekeeper, she's supposed to

fabulous... That's Mrs.

Naugatuck. Mrs. who?

Close your mouth, Walter, and try to look intelligent.

Coming!

Finley residence?

Yes. This is for Mrs.

Naugatuck.

Oh, wonderful!

Carol, honey, would you do me a favor and take that up to the guest room?

room?

Sign here.

Maud, we're not getting sleep and help, are we? Sweetie, don't worry. You won't

even know she's in the house. Sign right there. Maud, why didn't you ask me

before you hired sleep and help?

Walter, I tried to bring up this subject the other night after dinner, and you

said, that's your department, Maud.

Do whatever you want, Maud.

I have more important things to think about, Maud.

And then you burped and fell asleep.

Please sign right there, lady. You know I can't stand a stranger sleeping in the

house, Maud.

If you don't sign soon, you'll have two strangers sleeping in the house, Maud.

You look familiar.

Weren't you a victim in The Godfather?

Now, Walter, please don't worry. We're just trying her out for a week. For

crying out loud, I told you 50 times I don't like strangers sleeping in the

house. I value my privacy.

If it's a hot night and I want to sit around in my underwear, I want to sit

around in my underwear.

Underwear? Walter, on a hot night, for you, that would be overdressed.

You're kidding.

Now you know our secret, Carol.

On a hot summer's night, when Walter sits around with a newspaper on his lap,

is not reading to me.

Wood, wood.

Cut it out.

Walter, look. This lady must have been all over the world.

Bombay, Tokyo, Paris, Rome, Dubrovnik, Brisbane, Australia. Well, if she

that much, why can't she go home at night?

I wonder where she's from.

Didn't I tell you, Carol? She's British. From London.

Imagine, London.

Oh, now I get it.

Now I realize why you're so steamed up about this dame. You can put on the dog

with all your friends.

Friendly residence.

Studio. Pip -pip and a yank in the RAF.

Be quiet, Walter, or you'll get a yank in the RAF you'll never forget.

Walter, I resent your implying that I am a snob. I couldn't care less what

nationality she is.

That's Mrs. Naugatuck. Now, remember, Walter, she's British, so for heaven's

sake, don't act like the ugly American.

You're not that good -looking to start with.

Let's just think of her as Greer Garson and Mrs. Miniver and make her feel at

home.

Mrs. Naugatuck?

You really should do something about them steps.

I nearly broke me bloody bum.

What did I tell you? Another Greer Garson.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. I'm Maude Findlay. This is my husband,

Walter, and my daughter, Carol. How do you do?

You know, Mrs. Naugatuck, I am a bit of an Anglophile.

That means English buff, Walter.

You've been to London?

No, but I have relatives in Toronto.

And I have been to the London Bridge in Arizona.

It has fallen down, hasn't it?

And it tells us you lived in Brisbane.

Yes, but I didn't get to see much of it. I was ever so busy.

So, as a housekeeper?

In a manner of speaking, it was a bawdy house.

You did say boarding house.

Oh, no, bawdy house. They didn't stay over.

Mrs. Naugatuck, now, I mean, you weren't actually employed in a bawdy house.

Oh, good heavens, no. I own the place.

Oh, splendid.

Some of my belongings have arrived.

Splendid. Mrs. Naugatuck, nothing personal, but isn't this an awful lot

one -week tryout? Come on, ducks.

I've never met a soul who didn't go crackers over my cooking.

And my house works bang on and everybody goes potty over my personality.

So if you just show me my room, I'll get hopping.

All right, Mrs. Nugget, walk this way.

If I could walk that way, I'd have stayed in Brisbane.

First, we're going crackers, and then we're going to go potty.

Isn't she perfection?

Yeah, Maude, perfection.

We'll give her a week's salary and tell her we changed our minds. Oh, now,

Walter. Not a chance, Maude.

Not a chance. Walter, please.

Now, Maude, I'm not going to say it again. She's got to leave. I don't want

sleep in help, British or not, and that's final. Oh, come on. Now, Walter.

Final.

All right. All right. I'll talk to her.

That's what I get for offering a smattering of culture to a man who

Ritz crackers into his soup.

There she is. Tell her.

Mrs. Naugatuck.

Yes, ma 'am?

What a beautiful vase.

Oh, you like it, ma 'am? I like it. This is lovely.

Harold's in there.

Harold?

My husband, you're holding his ass in.

How long has he been in there?

Just since he died.

I hope you won't mind, Mum.

He won't even know he's in the house.

I think that's touching. Don't you, Walter? Beautiful.

If you did that with all your husbands, you'd have to carry a six -pack.

Now, pull her out and tell her she's through. Oh, come on, Walter. I can't.

know in your heart you had no right to bring anybody into this house without

discussing it with me.

You're right, Walter. You're absolutely right.

And I also know in my heart that because you're right, you should have the honor

of firing that deuce.

Mrs. Naugatuck, Mr.

Findlay would like a word with you.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I'd like to speak to you about your employment.

Oh, that'll be a pleasure.

Always delighted to talk with the master.

I'm sorry I have to...

The master?

You are the head of the house.

Well, of course I am.

Now, won't you sit down? Oh, no, sir. No.

That's not my place. My place is to make the master comfy.

There.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now then, Mrs. Norbert. Oh, excuse me.

Now, one little tootsie.

One little tootsie. There, now.

That's better, isn't it? Puts a bit of zippity in the old doodah.

It's much better. The old doodah does feel a little zippier.

Thank you. Thank you?

Oh, it's a pity the way you American men have to work.

But the master needn't worry.

He'll have me to pamper.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, it's been ever so nice talking like this about my employment. I've

it thoroughly.

Thank you. Thank you.

And now, if the master doesn't mind, I've got a kettle on the boil. I'll make

him a spot of tea.

Oh, the master doesn't mind. By the way, two lumps in my spot.

Did he talk to you? Oh, yes.

Dear, dear, dear Mrs.

Naugatuck. Life deals us all such unexpected blows, doesn't it? You know,

Finlay is such a mercurial creature, so intolerant on the one hand and yet on

the other so thoughtless and rotten.

All right, ma 'am.

Don't get your bloomers in a twist.

Don't get my bloomers?

In a twit?

That's right.

I'm staying.

You're staying?

Oh, that's wonderful.

Now, look, you're going to have a million things to do for the women's

party tonight. You can fix the hors d 'oeuvres, vacuum the living room, dust

furniture, bake the cookies.

All that can wait.

I beg your pardon?

The master wants tea, and when I run a household, what the master wants comes

first.

What's the matter?

Something tells me, Carol, that I'm about to get my bloomers in a twist.

like a bird and works like a horse.

Which is quite an improvement over your mother who works like a bird and thinks

like a horse.

God will get you for that, Walter!

And has ears like a rabbit.

Ward, what are you doing with that?

Oh, in case it gets cold in here, I intend to use it as a muff.

Mrs. Naugatuck. Yes, ma 'am? Mrs.

Naugatuck, I don't know what you're accustomed to, but over here, when we

tissue in the bathroom, we place it so that it rolls from the bottom up, not

top down.

Why?

Well... Because...

Lord,

what the hell is the difference?

The difference... The difference is why we drive on the right side and she

drives on the left.

The old monster.

Shall I take the tissue, ma 'am, and put it in the guest bathroom?

Yes, thank you, Mrs. Nogatuck. Not at all. Bottoms up.

Walter, I don't wish to be picky, but I cannot stand listening to the happy

hooker.

Well, I like her voice. I think hiring Mrs. Naugatuck was the smartest thing

ever did.

I hung the tissue your way, ma 'am. Wrong side up.

You mustn't do that.

Now, you're the master of the house.

Now, you...

Mrs. Naugatuck, will you stop pampering Mr.

Findlay? Let her pamper more.

Now, look at it this way. If God had wanted us to spend so much time on our

feet, he wouldn't have given us so much to sit down on.

Walter,

we are having a party tonight.

So if you don't mind, why don't you get up off of what you have so much to sit

down on.

And please take this trunk upstairs.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Walter, why did you change your mind about sleep in health?

My only aim in life is to please you.

Walter, to put it as delicately as possible, in a pig's eye.

And you know how bad I am at directions.

I mean it, Maud.

I mean, besides, I never dreamed she'd be so efficient.

How do you know she's efficient, Walter? All you've ever seen her do is fluff up

your pillow.

The truth be known, that fluffer has you wrapped around her little finger.

Maud, you're jealous.

Oh, come on. Me, jealous of a bantamweight ex -madam?

She probably ran that house the way she's running you.

No trick unturned.

He is not running me.

Then how come you took her side with the toilet tissue? All I said was, what's

the difference?

How come you didn't say, what's the difference, five years ago, when we had

knock -down, drag -out fight about the very same tissue issue?

You know, Maud, as we stroll down life's highway, you're becoming more and more

paranoid.

Let me tell you something, Maud. Wait a minute, Maud. You told me to take the

trunk upstairs.

I'm going to take the trunk upstairs. Oh, no, sir.

Let me help you. No, Mr.

Maud, I'll get it. Oh, no, I ain't sick.

Well, at least let me help you.

Okay, there. You got it?

Okay, wait a minute. Here we go.

There you go. You got it?

Now, Maud.

On top of everything else, she's a show -off.

Show -off? She's terrific.

You know what your trouble is, Walter? You have a nanny fixation.

Well, I don't care for that woman's attitude. She's got to be straightened

right here and now. Lord, I am fed up with this whole issue. Do whatever you

want. All right, I will.

Mrs. Naugatuck.

I would like a word with you. In a moment, madam.

Just when I've said...

My husband can take care of that.

Oh, you can't let a man do that, Mum.

That's woman's work.

Woman's work?

Mrs. Naugatuck, in this house, there is no such thing as woman's work or man's

work. There is no discrimination between the sexes. That's what tonight's party

is all about.

Oh, blimey, another Vanessa Redgrave.

I prefer to think of myself as a tall Jane Fonda.

Now, the time has come when we must stop thinking of ourselves as second -class

citizens, Mrs. Norgide.

Tuck.

Whatever.

meant to be more than just maids, housewives, and sex kittens.

Well, speak for yourself. I rather enjoy being a sex kitten.

You? I may be mature, but I'm not dead.

God had meant men and women to be the same. He'd have made them the same.

Oh, come off it, Naugatuck. That is old -fashioned attitude.

Now, listen to me.

If you want to stay in this house, you are going to have to change your

about the male and female roles.

You know what's the matter with you, Mum? You don't like men.

Oh, come on. You can't be serious. I adore men, and they adore me.

Why, there's no one in the world who loves men more than I do.

And if you need further proof, may I remind you that four of them selected me

marry. I know. There's one born every minute.

Mrs. Naughtycock, I will not be insulted in my own home. And I will not be told

how to handle men in anyone's home.

A woman's role is to serve the male. It is everyone's role to serve the best

interest of others, regardless of sex.

I'm afraid I cannot have this antiquated thinking in my house. Oh, what are you

trying to say? Are you giving me the sack?

Well, I quit.

I wouldn't stay here another minute.

Good. You'll get a week's pay for your trouble.

I don't need your blooming charity, and I don't need you. Well, I certainly do

not need you. Oh, yes, you do. Oh, no, I don't. I wouldn't take you if you

weren't my son.

And I wouldn't be here if you weren't my son.

Mr. Sargatuck, sit!

Now, listen to me, both of you. The guests will be arriving any minute, and

two are standing out here yelling at each other like a couple of adolescent

schoolgirls. Quiet!

You're always yapping about women's rights.

Well, Mrs. Norgatuck is a woman, and she has a right to think whatever she

pleases about men, women, or anything else.

Hear, hear.

Let me tell you something.

Mrs. Findlay is right, too.

Times are changing. Maybe too fast for some of us, but take my word for it,

history is going to be on her side. And another thing you can take my word for,

she is one hell of a woman and one hell of a wife.

Hear, hear.

I don't care what you do, but let's get this solved because in a few minutes

we're going to have a house full of guests.

Is that clear?

Is it?

Okay.

Wow.

I don't know how Henry Kissinger does it.

through to each other.

I doubt it. You're very opinionated.

You're the one who's opinionated. That's your opinion.

You're entitled to my opinion.

I'm entitled to my opinion.

That's your opinion.

It's a good thing you're bigger than I am.

It's a good thing you're smaller, feisty old bitty.

and say you're sorry.

No, why should I? Why don't you?

Well, because... Rusty old broad.

Rusty old biggie.

If you get the door, I'll pack your things.

Including Cyril.

Oh, good evening. Good evening. Welcome.

Welcome to the Finlay residence.

Oh, dear.

Are we the first ones here?

Yes, but you know the saying, the first is always the best.

Isn't she charming?

Delightful. Wouldn't you know, Maude would hire an English housekeeper?

Won't you sit down and I'll get you some drinks. A ginger ale for milady and a

double martini for mister.

Yes, that's right.

A perfectly lovely, delightful creature.

How'd you know that was what they wanted? I could tell she's a teetotaler

he's a lush.

I wasn't a topless barmaid for nothing.

Maude, where did you ever find her? She's a gem.

Yes, so, uh, so, culture. I love her accent.

Accent? Does Mrs. Naugatuck have an accent? Oh, I'll have to listen for it.

You know, her last job was in Brisbane.

She managed a giant household there.

Oh, Carol did.

Carol, would you take the covers off the hot hors d 'oeuvres?

Welcome aboard, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Don't worry, Dux. I'll have her eating out of my hand in no time.

I hope he made the right decision.

Oh, don't worry, Carol. I'll have her eating out of my hand in no time.

Feisty. Crusty.

It says here they're allowing tourists into China again.

Oh, I love China. At least, when I was there, it was nice.

Oh, come on now, Mrs. Naugatuck. Don't tell me you've been in China, too.

Oh, yes.

In 1923, I was chief cook with Lord Bosley's hunting expedition for

hippopotami.

Wait!

Just a minute.

You know, Mrs. Naugatuck, I have doubted the veracity of some of your stories

for some time. I mean, bawdy houses and the like, but this time I caught you and

you cannot get out of it.

There are no hippos in China.

Of course not. We shot them all.

I'll kill her, Walter.

This really deserves killing.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.