Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Maude.

Oh, sure. That's easy for you to say.

All right. What is it this time? Walter promised he would be home from the store

at 11 o 'clock. No matter where we are with the inventory, he said, I will be

home at 11.

It is now three minutes after one.

It's a good thing I didn't hold my breath. I would have been holding my

for 123 minutes.

Carol, even you with your lungs couldn't do that.

Walter's stuck at the store. How come you're upset?

Oh. Carol, it's a very special occasion.

The seventh anniversary of our first date.

I had a lovely candlelight supper planned. After dinner festivities.

A little whoopee.

Oh, Carol, look.

What? It's a pie crust.

Now it's a pie crust. Two hours ago it was a souffle.

inventory. It's time you examined the merchandise at home.

Walter, the poor man is working. What do you want from him? Oh, I know, I know,

I know. Carolyn, I'm so ungrateful.

I know Walter wants to be here. He's every bit as romantic as I am. Of course

is. Right now, Walter's down there working his fingers to the bone for you.

Adele, Adele.

I'll tell you, you're beautiful.

I mean, believe me, you could have any man you wanted.

Any man in the world. Any man.

Then how come Edgar walked out on me? Except Edgar.

Where are my Rolaids? This indigestion is killing me.

Rolaids? I'm ready to kill myself over Edgar.

And what do you do?

You get gas.

Well, I don't want you to take an overdose of sleeping pills.

So tell me where you hid them so I can go home.

You know what's going on with my wife. We must have talked on the phone ten

times already.

Boy, I'm such a loser.

I call you because you're my boss and I look up to you.

I'm ready to kill myself because Edgar left me.

And as soon as you get here, your store calls that it's your wife, your

inventory, your gas pay.

What happened?

I got indigestion. I got pains in my chest.

My wife's waiting.

Please, give me those sleeping pills. No!

Then why don't you call a priest?

There's at least 10 ,000 ministers in New York. They couldn't help. I'm an

atheist.

Then call a communist!

It's not my fault that I don't believe in God. When I was six, my mother and

father were divorced. At 11, my sister turned to the street.

Not!

first place.

You're middle -aged. You smell like one of my aunt's doilies.

Get out of here. Get out of my apartment.

I'm not going until you give me those sleeping pills.

All right. You want them so much.

Here. Thank God.

Don't do anything crazy.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh.

Could you do me just one favor?

Sure, anything.

Tomorrow morning, send the mortician up here.

Wrong pill!

suicide.

Hello, Eddie. It's me.

Mort called again.

Eddie, where did you tell her I was this time?

The men's room?

Eddie, that's five times you told her I was in the men's room.

Mort isn't going to believe that. She calls me old iron bladder.

Mort, I'll have to call Mort again.

Let me have another one of those Rolaids.

It's all my fault you're making such an ass of yourself.

Look, do you want me to get on the phone and explain it to her?

Adele, how can I tell her I'm calling from a young girl's apartment because

boyfriend left her?

Even I wouldn't believe it.

Guess who, sweetheart?

Sorry, fellow.

So what if I went into the men's room for the fifth time? The old iron was

beginning to rust.

Maude, don't get so angry.

Maude, would you listen?

Maude.

Maude. Maude! Shit!

There's no chair?

I'll be right home, dear. Yes, right away.

Now, you heard me. Just tell her. I promised.

Now, give me those sleeping pills. You're okay now anyway.

I'm a Gemini. I'm never okay.

Don't you understand what could happen if my wife found out that I was here

you?

What if this building got on fire and I got trapped?

With your gas, there'd be an awful explosion.

Very funny, but it could happen.

I mean, guys have gotten trapped in girls' apartments before.

Fires, police raids.

I even knew a guy who had a heart attack in a girl's apartment.

How do you explain that to your wife?

I mean, he thought he had indigestion, but it was really a... A heart?

A heart?

Mr. Finley, you're not having a heart attack. Why not?

My chest is killing me.

It's like an elephant stomping on me.

I'm going to call your wife. No!

I'll call Arthur.

Arthur always told me, don't... Wait if you get a pain. Check it out.

Hello, Arthur?

It's Walter here.

Oh, I'm sorry I woke you, Arthur, but I got this pain in my chest and there's

this tingling running down my left arm.

No, don't run over next door because the pains aren't over next door. They're

over here.

Arthur, please don't tell Maude, but come over quick.

112. Lovebird Lane.

Apartment 3B.

Oh, boy. Here.

Here, sit down. Oh, boy. Am I a loser?

Dear God, don't let me die here. I'll never hear the end of it.

Eddie, I don't care if he went out to get a snicker bar.

Ten minutes, we are finished, terminated, kaput, over and out.

Maude, Maude, Maude, listen.

You know, I just ran out of house. Please, Vivian, I have my own problems.

but Maude, Maude, listen. Maude, Maude, Maude. All right, Vivian, Vivian, what

are you trying to tell me? Maude, Maude, are they just... Are they, are they,

are they, are they... Vivian, out with it!

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.

It's panic, isn't it? It's panic. The throat muscles have tightened up and you

can't...

First word.

Valentine's Day? He forgot Valentine's Day?

Sounds like it. Sounds like it. Sounds like it. Uh,

hangnail.

Art! Art!

Sounds like art. Sounds like art. Uh, start.

Uh, tart.

Oh, that bum. He's out with a tart.

Somebody else, thank heaven.

Somebody with a runny nose.

My guess is subendocardial infarction.

Arthur, talk English.

Well, that just means an attack that didn't go completely through the heart

muscle, which is good.

We won't know the whole story, of course, until we get the results back on

enzyme test.

Well, good night, Walter.

Arthur, wait a minute.

What are those little beeps over there?

Oh, that's you.

As long as you keep beeping, you're still in the old ballgame.

Arthur, what happened?

Only a couple of weeks ago, you gave me a complete physical. You said I was

healthy as a horse.

Ah, there's the rub, Walter.

You're not a horse.

Arthur.

The beeps.

You know, you were lucky, Walter, that you were smart enough to do something

right away. Arthur, the beeps have stopped.

You know, the first couple hours are critical when it comes to...

Listen, if you and I are going to have a good doctor -patient relationship, the

beep should stop.

The beep should stop.

How do you like that, Walter? I kicked the plug out by mistake.

It says so right there.

Now you just take it easy. Maude's on her way over here. Maude.

What am I going to do about Maude?

Will you take it easy, Walter?

She doesn't know a thing except you had a heart attack.

You old dog, you.

Come on, Arthur.

I mean, sure, I was in that girl's apartment.

But believe me, nothing happened.

So nothing happened.

Don't be embarrassed. It happens to the best of us on a bad night.

Oh, Marty, I'm glad you're here. How is he?

Walter's going to be all right. He just had a mild heart attack.

Oh, thank God.

Walter?

Walter, oh, Walter, Walter, what have I done to you?

It's all my fault. Can you ever forgive me? I am so sorry, so sorry.

I just gave him a sedative. He's fallen asleep.

Arthur. Arthur, I'm just going to sit here by his bed tonight. It won't be

necessary, Marty. Oh, please, Arthur. If it hadn't been for my complaining while

he was working, he would be lying.

Hi, Doctor.

Remember me, the loser?

Yes, Nurse. Nurse the loser.

How is he doing? Fine, fine.

I'm tied up for a few minutes. Would you mind waiting in the reception room?

I'll talk to you later.

Oh, I forgot. When Walter had the heart attack in my apartment, he forgot his

glasses.

As your physician, I insist that you leave this hospital.

I want a second opinion.

There was a second opinion. I told you the same thing yesterday.

Nurse, Mr. Finley's going to check out. No!

Now, listen, Walter.

Your enzyme tests are normal. Your EKG looks good. You're 100 % well.

So check him out, nurse.

Oh, by the way, would you order a pelvic traction for the disc in 839, 10

milligrams of MS for the broken leg in 873, and a cheeseburger for the hernia

694?

Forget it, Arthur. I'm not going home. Now, Walter... I think Maud knows about

this girl.

I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Everybody gets that feeling, Walter. It's the hospital food.

I'm telling you, Arthur, Maud's been acting very strange lately.

In her last four visits, she hasn't even blinked once.

Not one blink.

It's like being married to an owl.

you every time Maude comes to visit, you put on that phony act as if you had one

foot in the grave.

Now, you can't spend the rest of your life here, Walter. When are you going

home? Well, maybe when I finish this shawl I'm knitting for myself.

Come on, Arthur. You said yourself that keeping your fingers moving is good

therapy. Get out of this. No, stop that! Cut it out!

Now, Walter, we've got to do something to get you over this obsession of yours

that Maude knows.

To begin with, did you tell her? You think I'm crazy? All right. You didn't

her.

And you certainly know that I wouldn't tell her.

That would be a violation of my professional ethics.

And that girl wouldn't tell her. It would probably be a violation of her

professional ethics.

Marty? Oh, Walter wants to talk to you. Yeah, he's coming home.

Hello, Maude.

What?

She sounds happy. I mean, really happy.

She sounds thrilled.

I'll tell you all about it when I get there.

Oh, no, that's not necessary.

Arthur will drive me.

I love you too, sweetie.

Oh, thank you, Arthur!

Oh,

it's great to be going home.

Oh, boy.

I never felt so good about going home. I could dance. I knew you'd feel that

way, Walter.

And now that I have finally got you to agree to go home as your physician,

there's one thing I think I should tell you.

What? Mod knows.

And

I

want to thank you both for putting up with me. I know that for the past three

weeks I've been driving you crazy.

And the two of you have been so sweet to give me your understanding and your

loyalty and your support.

Oh, Lord, how can I tell my dearest husband, the man I love most in the

world, who was lying in that hospital with a heart attack, that I'm doing my

ironing so I can afford to pay a hired killer?

up till now I've only had to face him during visiting hours at the hospital.

And oh, I've been a champion, Carol.

And oh, I've been a champion.

I haven't said one word to him, not one word about that cock and bull story

Arthur gave me about that girl committing suicide.

Of course, in his condition, how can I upset him?

Yet when I think that he had a heart attack with that woman, it infuriates

Especially since he never had one with me.

Play the jack, Carol.

Oh, why am I acting this way? So bitter and vindictive. I should be down on my

knees thanking God that he's still alive. Play the ten, Viv.

Vivian, what to play? You just looked at my cards.

Carol, I may be vindictive, but I do not cheat.

Which is more than I can say for Walter.

Oh, Lord, I've done it again.

I have to forget about that tramp. I must not ever, ever, ever, ever say a

to him about that girl. Play the nine dodo.

Oh, so help me if I have to. I'll have my mouth wired shut.

There isn't enough wire in the world for that.

Carol, throw the four.

Jim.

That'll teach you to talk to your mother.

Walter, I absolutely refuse to have anything to do with this charade.

Arthur. Just give me five minutes. Five minutes to explain to Maud what happened

while I still have her sympathy left.

Otherwise, I'll have to go back to the hospital. Oh, no.

Not now.

When Maud gets through with me.

Thank you, Arthur.

I think I can make it from here.

Oh, darling, darling.

Please don't touch wood.

I tip over so easily.

Hello, Carol, Vivian. Welcome home. Oh, darling, you look wonderful.

Doesn't he look wonderful?

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Here, sweetheart, let me help you to the couch. Oh, I don't want to be a burden

to you.

I have to learn to do these things for myself.

Turned into Tim Conway.

I made it.

Now then, where's my knitting?

Oh, Kathy.

Here it is. Here it is.

Oh, thank you, Carol.

Oh, Arthur, let's go home. I can't bear to watch this. Isn't there some way we

can help him?

Only by giving him acting lessons.

Remember, he's to stay on that low -cholesterol, low -fat diet I gave you,

plenty of rest, and, of course, go for walks.

Arthur, what about S -E -X?

S -E -X?

Vivian, he can hardly K -N -I -T.

Walter, can I get you something to drink?

Oh, please, Carol.

A cup of tea.

It'll be good exercise squeezing the lemon.

Walter, what is it?

My calisthenics.

Oh, thank heaven. I thought you were praying.

That's enough for the first week.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, Walter, it's so wonderful having you back.

Oh, Maud.

Maud, do you know where my glasses are? I think I forgot them again.

My glasses.

I think I forgot them. Darling,

that's all right. That's all right, sweetheart. I'm glad you brought...

No, no, let me be the one to say it.

Walter, darling, I have to.

Walter, I know all about that girl in the apartment. No, darling, I've said

and now it is over.

I know, and now you know I know. Let's just forget it. No recriminations, no

accusations. Walter, it's over. Over? Over.

Oh, Maude, has anyone ever told you that you're the most wonderful wife in the

world? Oh, darling, darling, look, you just relax and let Maude nurse you back

to health, because, sweetheart, you're my whole life, and I can't start to live

again until I know that you're all right. Oh, Maude, my Maude, if I got

great news for you... No later, darling, later. Oh, no, Maude, this is great

news. I've been such a heel, and you've been such a great guy about everything.

What is it, darling?

I learned that the test checked out perfectly.

All systems go.

I am completely well.

Walter, are you telling me the truth? It is the truth, Ward. I found out that a

heart attack is not the end of the world.

It's not the end of the world? The office says that I'm as good as new.

Walter, you're a... Yes, maybe even better.

Walter, you mean you're well?

You son of a bitch.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.