Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really cooked.

Isadora was the first proper.

Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing Maude.

Oh,

what a night.

I don't think I slept ten minutes.

I'll never spend a worse night if I live to be a hundred.

Which could be any minute now.

Walter, you have to go over there and talk to Arthur.

Now, what kind of a raving maniac mows his lawn at 2 o 'clock in the morning?

The same kind of raving maniac who also mows it at 8 o 'clock in the morning.

and I think Arthur's flipped his lid.

Oh, I hope so, Carol.

I mean, for Arthur, that would mean he'd be well on the road to mental health.

Mother,

will you hand me that bottle of aspirin? Oh, honey, I'm sorry. It's empty. I

just had the last one.

That's okay.

Who needs aspirin?

Well, Walter?

Did you ask Arthur why he's mowing his lawn at 8 in the morning when he mowed

at 2 o 'clock last night? Yes, Maude, I asked him.

And what did he say?

He said it's grown since then.

Now I know what he was doing between 2 and 8.

Fertilizing.

Well, I'm worried about him. He's been acting jittery all week.

It's like he's been trying to tell me something.

Something's been gnawing at him.

Maybe it's Vivian. Her front teeth have been looking sharper lately.

Marty? Walter?

Listen, I think you deserve an explanation about last night.

There's something I've got to tell you.

What is it, Arthur?

Nothing. Goodbye.

Arthur!

Now, come on!

What's on your mind? On my mind? Nothing. Forget it. There's never

my mind.

That is the worst coffee I've ever tasted.

That's because it's orange juice.

What kind of grass were you mowing?

Arthur, will you please tell me what's bothering you? All right.

Marty, you'll have to leave the room.

Arthur, when I have to leave the room, I will raise my hand.

Arthur, what's your problem?

Well, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's... It's, it's, it's, it's what?

I can't tell you. Of course you can.

Arthur, you know you can tell us anything.

All right.

Now, promise you won't laugh.

Arthur, you know we won't laugh. Of course not.

It's John Wayne.

John Wayne? John Wayne.

He's coming to my house this afternoon.

He's coming to your house? That's right.

I know it sounds crazy, but he's coming to my house. To Arthur Harmon's house.

Today.

Soon, in a little while.

Arthur, would you like a bullet to bite on?

Come on, Arthur. Who are you kidding?

What do you mean, kidding?

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Pinky swear.

Who do I believe in? I really believe in. You do?

Absolutely. Now, help me straighten up. I'm expecting the Lone Ranger from

Venice.

What is the matter with you people?

I crossed my heart.

John Wayne.

Hollywood's biggest star is going to be in my home.

Okay, Arthur, I believe you, but why would he possibly be coming to your

Well...

We're good friends, me and Duke.

That's what all his friends call him, Duke.

You and John Wayne are friends?

Tell me, Arthur, what were you and John going to do this afternoon?

Take a herd to Abilene?

I knew it. I knew it the second that you heard that that acid tongue of yours

would start flapping. Arthur, in the 35 years that I've known you, never once

have you mentioned being friends with John Wayne.

No. He doesn't run around Hollywood saying he's a friend of mine, either.

The man belongs in a home.

Arthur!

When was the last time you saw the Duke?

Not the Duke.

Just plain Duke.

All right, Arthur. When was the last time you saw Judge Plain Duke?

Well, actually, uh... It was, uh...

Never. Never? You've never met John Wayne?

No wonder you're such good friends. He's gone.

How could John Wayne be a friend of yours if you never met?

Well, I wrote him a letter once. It's not important.

Actually, we're pen pals.

You mean a plan letter. It wasn't a plan letter. I just told him how wonderful I

thought he was.

I don't believe this. No wonder you're too embarrassed to tell us.

You're nothing but a star -struck adolescent job. Wayne Groping.

How long have you been writing to John Wayne?

Just once a week.

For how long, I think? Well, 25 years.

But it isn't as if I never had an answer. See, here it is, right here.

See? Take a gander at that.

It's real, Mark.

It's a real letter from John Wayne. And not only that.

But because I am his number one fan.

Tonight, he's taking Vivian and me to the premiere of his new movie,

Oh, Arthur, honey, I don't want your feelings to be hurt, but don't you see

Wayne isn't coming here to visit you? This is a publicity gimmick for his new

movie. I don't care.

If old John Boy wants me to help send his movie over the top, I'm only too

to serve.

What is it, Arthur? A war movie?

No, I doubt that, Walter.

John Wayne's already won all the wars.

You're darn tootin'. In Brannigan.

He's a policeman from Chicago who goes to London to catch a crook. And they're

trying to kill him. Who? The Screen Actors Guild?

That does it!

I was going to invite you and Walter over to my place for lunch so that you

meet John Wayne in person.

But now you'll just have to stand outside on the curb, wave a flag like

of the neighborhood.

I didn't say anything.

I still can't believe the whole thing, but of course I want to meet John Wayne.

I'd love to meet John Wayne.

John Wayne?

Carol, I know it's going to sound a little crazy to you too, but John

coming to our...

The rest of your family is dying to meet John Wayne. At least they recognize a

great actor.

Great actor?

Arthur, I know four people who show more emotion than John Wayne, and they're

all on Mount Rushmore.

Let me tell you something, Marty. He is a brilliant actor.

I will never forget him in Allegheny Uprising.

You remember?

When he came through the swinging doors into the saloon?

Why isn't John Wayne doing this lousy picture?

Come on, Lord, you should jump at the chance to meet John Wayne. Oh, now, wait

minute. Walter, I can understand this is Arthur, but you can't expect me to have

lunch with a man whose favorite part of the chicken is the right wing.

That is Mr.

Conservative himself.

Oh, come on, Lord, I don't care anything about his politics.

He's a trickster. Do you know how many Saturday mornings I spent with that man?

I grew up with John Wayne.

I spent thousands of hours in dark theaters loving that man.

So what? I spent thousands of hours in dark theaters loving lots of men.

That's lying out loud.

I did a lot of that in dark theaters.

on such short notice.

Did I ever mention to you that you're a marvelously beautiful woman? Oh, no, you

don't. Then I take it back.

Now, wait a minute, boy.

Tiff, this house is mine.

You got the house off. No, no, no, no. Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You know that John Wayne and I are as different as night and day. How can you

expect me to let anybody that concerned... walk through that door. I'm

conservative than John Wayne and I walk in this house all the time. By the way,

get out!

Oh, hi, Billy.

Sure you can come over.

What?

Oh, it was easy to get my grandma to change her mind about John Wayne. I just

turned the old tears on.

She's a sucker for me when I cry.

Well, it'll cost you 50 cents to come inside the house and a quarter to look

through the window.

Okay, Billy. See you later.

Doorbells, phone calls, newspapers, drums and bugles. I'm going crazy.

Well... At least this will be something you'll remember for the rest of your

life.

That's right, Grandma. We'll all be a lot richer for it.

Especially me.

Hello?

Who?

No, I'm not interested.

Yes, he is coming over, but I am not interested in joining your organization.

Really?

Who is that?

The Daughters of the American Revolution.

Well, they figure if John Wayne's coming over, I've obviously seen the light.

Oh, Lord, if Common Cause ever gets wind of this, they'll never let me lick

another envelope.

What do you think?

Oh, it's gorgeous, but, honey, John Wayne's only interested in horses.

And their byproducts.

Arthur said he'd use his influence to get Philip and me free tickets to the

Brannigan...

Use his influence? Honey, he's a doctor. He can't even get free samples from the

pharmaceutical houses.

What is it, Liz?

You remember Bobby, my second child by my first husband. And this is Marsha, my

first child by my third husband. And this is Arnold, my third child by my

husband. And this is Henry, my present husband.

Nice meeting you all.

says no.

What? Why'd you lock the door? To keep out burglars and Republicans.

Boy, what excitement out there.

All the neighbors took down their keep -off -the -grass signs and put up

two dollars.

The barbers?

I wanted to make sure it didn't look shabby for the Duke. Not the Duke,

Duke. Walter, what happened to your hair? It looks different.

Oh, good Lord, that's probably the CIA posing as the Avon lady.

Or the Avon lady posing as the CIA.

I'm sorry to bother you, Maude, but could I borrow a cup of sugar?

Oh, knock it off, Liz. You know you're a diabetic.

Rude, Mother, rude.

Walter, what did that barber do to your...

It looks so... Oh, Lord, not again.

Howdy!

We gave it the stable.

I'm warning you, ma 'am, don't you try that again or I'll blow this here

homestead to kingdom come.

Perfect. All in, right?

Still angry, huh, Marty?

You should be proud.

Wayne visits the neighborhood?

Yes, Arthur.

Stagecoach holdups fall off 50%. Hey, Arthur, I love your outfit.

I got it right across the street from your store.

Anyone flavors?

Oh, no.

Cohen's Cowboy Corral.

Do you want to see something?

Perfect tools for highway robbery.

Two guns and a license to practice medicine.

Arthur, where did you learn that?

Oh, I practiced. Every Sunday after golf, I sneak into the garage for an

and twirl my gun.

Lord, he's a closet cowboy.

What now, Liz? I want to apologize for lying.

So could I borrow a cup of saccharin?

Oh, come in, come in, come in.

Oh,

Maude, I left the turkey salad in your fridge. Isn't this exciting?

Oh, and I left a note on our door telling Duke where we are.

What's the matter? Couldn't he pick up your trail?

And luckily I remembered to bring this. It's Arthur's prized possession.

Duke sent it to him personally.

Arthur calls it an American Duke on a London bridge.

It's beautiful there, but that's not the right place for it. I have the perfect

spot.

This is not all going to be fun and games.

I, for one, intend to question Mr.

Wayne on some of the important issues of the day.

Attaboy, Grandma!

Now, just a minute there, buddy.

This is not an occasion to discuss politics or the issues of the day. This

is purely patriotic.

Patriotic, Arthur?

He is here to publicize his new movie so it'll make more money.

What could be more patriotic than that?

No intention of standing around here mooning over some celebrity like the

of you.

That's a good thing you're not a surgeon.

I'm Dr. Harmon's best friend, Walter Findley, the appliance dealer.

If your horse ever needs an electric feed bag, I can probably get it for you

wholesale.

Who's the little woman?

Gee, Duke, it takes a big man to call more of the little woman.

She's my wife.

Oh, well, uh... This is Vivian, my ball and chain.

Oh, you're funny.

in the lighthouse.

Big movie star.

We call him Duke.

Put her there, Mr. Wayne.

Well, I don't know. You look pretty strong.

I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne. I didn't mean to hurt you. Oh, that's all right, son.

We need fellas like you with strong hands and short hair.

Grandma, can I see you a minute? Duke, what did you have?

With all the cattle you've been around, you must have drunk a lot of milk.

Well, unfortunately, I'm... ever found a cow that'd give bourbon.

Well, give him a bourbon.

How'd you like to sit down and take a load off the picture? Oh, thanks.

Hey, funny place to hang a picture.

It's a good likeness, sir, Duke.

You think I look like that? Uh -huh.

Well, then you aren't in the right place.

Here you go, Duke. Oh, thank you.

Boy, what's this?

Oh, I...

is a guest in our house. I can't embarrass him.

Why not?

They never stopped you before.

Philip, this is different. John Wayne is a big movie star.

But, Grandma, you always tell me to stand up for my principles.

How come you don't stand up for yours?

Mr.

Wayne, I'm afraid that I have to... apologize for my grandson.

Oh, that's all right. You see, I promised him that I was going to ask you

questions. Why don't you go ahead and ask me a few questions and I'll see if I

can answer them.

Oh, well, to begin with, I was going to discuss politics.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, ma 'am, but I can't discuss politics with women.

Well, then I was going to ask... I asked you to discuss gun control.

Oh, I'm very sorry, but I can't discuss gun control with women.

Oh. Well, uh, what do you discuss with women? I can't discuss what I

discuss with women in front of a lady.

You see, Philip, there's nothing to talk about.

Well, I love what you had to say against women in that speech at Harvard, Duke.

Oh, well, I didn't say anything against women. All I said was that I thought

they had a right to work any place they wanted to, as long as they had dinner on

the table when I got home.

Oh, the hell with it. Let's dance.

You know, I've spent thousands of hours in dark theaters loving you, Duke.

Was that you?

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.