Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

Hi,

honey.

You know, Walter, your car is practically out of gas. I barely made it

What are you using my car for?

It only gets nine miles to the gallon. Yours gets 22, and it's sitting in the

garage. You're supposed to be saving gas.

I am saving gas. My car has a full tank.

All right, Philip, go ahead.

Have no respect for your mother. Call her terrible name. See if I care.

Chris will be here any minute. I'm not even half -packed. What is the matter?

Philip, that's what's the matter.

I told him I wanted that pigpen he lives in cleaned inside and out. You know

what he said to me?

If I want it that clean, I should call an exorcist.

Is that cute? And he hasn't even seen the movie.

Cute?

Mother, the child has been acting like a brat all week.

Won't clean his room, won't do his homework. He's sullen, sloppy, sassy.

I swear, if he keeps up like this, he's going to flunk every subject in school.

Oh, come on, Carol.

Philip is a remarkably bright kid.

He takes after my side of the family.

You know, Carol, the sullen, sloppy, sassy side.

Gordon, we could discuss your side of the family, but what can you say about a

bunch of people that were thrown out of work when automatic pin setters came in?

Oh, I don't know.

I tried to talk to him. He's like talking to a stone wall.

Maybe I shouldn't go away.

I never left him alone for four days before. Oh, come on. Now, honey, you and

Chris have been planning this trip for weeks. Besides, Philip won't be alone.

We'll be with him. And is that any way to pack a suitcase?

Mother, I'm perfectly capable of packing my own suitcase. Come on, now, don't be

upset. That's what mothers are for.

I'm sure Henry Kissinger's mother does his packing.

No wonder he looks so frumpy.

Now what?

It's the devil making him do it.

If you'd gotten an exorcist like he asked, this wouldn't be happening.

Mother, for the last week, Philip has been acting like a holy terror. Stop

apologizing for him. I'm not ap... Carol, a deck of cards and a see

nightie?

When I was your age, I would have taken one or the other.

As a matter of fact, if I had taken the cards, you wouldn't be here today.

Honey, don't worry about Philip. It is perfectly natural for a child his age to

be hostile and rebellious and belligerent. It's just a phase.

It's vitamin C.

Oh, does that work?

In a situation like this, you are no help. You can't wait to make excuses for

Philip. That is not true.

You ask me, all a kid needs is a good boot and a keister.

Oh, sure, Walter.

Brute force, right?

The primeval instinct. All you men know how to do is seduce women and beat up

children.

You know, that's not such a bad way of life.

Neither is the circus, Walter.

Oh, you'll be happy to know that Ringling Brothers is looking for a man

with the elephants.

All you have to do is walk softly and carry a big shovel.

Philip again!

You know, I remember when I was a kid, a good spanking now and then did me a

world of good. There's a wonderful old saying.

It's like the first proverb of parenthood.

To make a kid act like an angel on one end, you gotta beat the devil out of him

on the other.

That's lovely, Walter. Really, it's almost lyrical.

And just so I don't forget it, honey, I'm going to write it down and file it

under beautiful sayings.

B .S.

Look, you two, arguing over Philip isn't going to solve anything. I'll just have

to do something about his behavior.

Carol, honey, I guarantee you that by the time you come back from your trip,

this whole little problem with Philip will be entirely forgotten.

Just a little love and understanding from the grandmother he adores. Well,

you'll be surprised what a wonderful young man you have.

Watch. Philip, sweetheart, I have a surprise for you. You know what we're

to do tomorrow?

Your grandma is taking you to see The Princess and the Pea.

Where the hell does he learn language like that?

How the hell do I know?

Well, he can't go around swearing at his grandmother.

Do you want me to handle this, Carol?

Well, maybe you should. It's obvious I can't. Hold it, King Kong!

You touched that child, and so help me, all your friends will be dressed in

black and driving with their lights on.

I'm not going to let you go in there and apologize to him for what he said to

you. Mother, the boy has to be punished. We can't let him go around swearing at

people. All right, all right, all right. I'll do it Walter's way.

Since you both insist on corporal punishment, I'll beat the child. I'll

till he's black and blue.

Philip, honey.

Sweetheart, much as I hate to say this,

Because of your behavior, your grandmother's going to have to punish

Okay. Let's get it over with.

Wait a minute, Philippine. Can't we talk this out?

Would you go ahead and spank me so I can make my sandwich?

Honey, you're really angry, aren't you? Yes. Yeah.

Are you angry enough to scream?

Yes. Yes? Would you like to scream and scream and scream?

Oh, boy, would I. Okay.

Go ahead,

baby.

Some more, Grandma.

Well,

I beat the child. I hope you're satisfied. It's breaking my heart.

Drink your milk, you'll grow up to be big and strong like Mark Spitz.

Make a lot of money on television for saying you drink milk.

Mother. All right, all right, I didn't hit him.

I used psychology.

Good old -fashioned psychology and it worked.

I mean, he got rid of all his hostility and he's in there now drinking his milk

like a kitten.

Well, there goes all his commercial money.

I'll have it.

Philip!

Honey, clean it up like a good little boy.

It was just a little accident. The glass slipped out of his hand and hit the

wall.

Hi, people.

Hi, Fred.

I'm sorry I need a shave. Have you ever tried to drive down here from Boston at

55 miles an hour?

Am I glad to see you.

And so help me, it's the last thing of mine you'll ever lay a hand on.

Chris, he is impossible. He is absolutely impossible.

Really? What have you been doing, Walter?

Some broken glass got into the disposal.

Mother, that is not an accident.

It's obvious from what Carol has been telling me over the phone that Philip

some little emotional problem.

So why don't you let me go in and talk to the boy? After all, I'm a

pediatrician. I'm involved with children all the time. I understand them. Oh, of

course, honey. If anybody can talk to him, you can. He adores you.

Oh, go.

You see, Walter?

Love and understanding.

Now, please, put your belt on before your pants fall down.

I'm in no mood to be reminded I'm married to a man who doesn't have

knees.

Eating a cream cheese and jelly sandwich, huh?

Boy, I used to love cream cheese and jelly sandwiches when I was a kid.

I used to eat them four times a day.

Carried them five miles to school.

Nothing better than cream cheese and jelly.

They used to call me the cream cheese and jelly kid.

This is peanut butter and jelly.

I like that more.

Look, um, Philip, I understand you've been a little unhappy lately.

Care to talk about it?

Good.

Look, uh, you know, you can tell me, Philip, because I'm your buddy, right?

Hey. We both have a lot in common.

Carol. I mean your mother.

Well, what I mean is we both got the same girl.

She's your girl.

Hey, Phillip. Hey, pal. Buddy.

Listen, pal.

I... Wait.

You're a jerk.

Well.

At least we found out what's bothering the boy.

He hates me.

Oh, thank God. I thought it was me.

Come on now, Carol. Don't be so upset.

So Philip is jealous of Chris.

Chris is a pediatrician. That's right. He's a professional in authority on

children. He'll know what to do. That's right.

Honey, in a case like this, Chris, what is the best thing to do?

Darned if I know.

Hello, folks.

I guess you ought to borrow a flashlight.

Now, Vivian and I decided that during the energy crisis, we're going to turn

all the lights in the house for one hour every night.

Oh, it's in there. And you don't have a flashlight.

Of course I have a flashlight, but I can't find it. It's dark.

Well, can't Vivian?

I can't find her either. She's lost.

Arthur, has it ever occurred to you that Vivian is not lost? She's just hiding?

Arthur, forget the flashlight. We've got a problem. Yeah, I think that Chris

could use a second opinion.

Arthur, you've been a doctor a long time. I need your professional advice.

To put it succinctly, Philip just called me a jerk.

Mm -hmm. You don't say.

See, the child's had Carol to himself all these years, and now we obviously

he's losing his best girl.

Mm -hmm.

You don't say.

You know, Carol, I think Chris could use a third opinion.

So now the child obviously feels that he has competition and he's rebelling.

Well, now, to the best of your knowledge, have you ever been overly

demonstrative in front of the child?

No. No.

Or let us say you're terribly severe with him.

No. No.

Or perhaps overly competitive for his mother's attention.

No. No.

And yet he called you a jerk.

Yeah.

Well, considering all the evidence, has it possibly occurred to you that maybe

he has a point?

Arthur! Arthur, are you calling Chris a jerk?

Well, don't blame me, Carol. Philip's the one that brought it up.

Arthur, if they ever examined your head, they'd find your brain was radio

-controlled by a fly.

This is some time for you to be kidding about my brain.

You really stepped in the old quagmire this time, Monty. It just so happens

a very influential medical journal has asked me to do a paper.

Post -nasal drip.

Nature's safety valve.

That sounds wonderful, Arthur.

Next, they'll be offering you the medical column in the Christian Science

Monitor.

Hey, we'd better be running along, too, honey. Hey, listen, the perfect solution

to our problem, let's take Philip along with us.

Oh, no, honey, your college reunion is no place for a child.

Look, maybe you'd better just go along without me. Oh, come on now, Carol. You

cannot let Philip run your lives.

You have your time with him and your time alone.

Besides, he has to learn to accept these things. It's part of growing up. Honey,

I remember you were exactly the same as Philip when you were eight years old and

I went away with my fiancé, Harry.

Harry?

Which husband was... Walter, please.

I was just engaged to Harry. He was definitely not the type I ever would

married.

One in a million, huh?

Philip has got to learn to accept our relationship or we'll never be a real

family. But, Chris, I'd feel so guilty if I left him when he's like this.

Carol, honey, you can solve the problem when you come back.

I promise to keep Philip just as rebellious and hostile and rotten as he

Maybe more.

Come on, honey, stop worrying.

Here he comes, our sunshine boy.

Honey, how about a nice, cheery goodbye for your mom?

Bye.

Goodbye, honey.

I'll see you in a couple of days, okay? You be a good boy.

I love you, Phyllis.

Honey, don't you think you should shake hands with Chris and say you're sorry

you called him a name?

I'm sorry I called your name.

She's an angel.

That's okay, Bill.

I've been called much worse.

I'll bet.

Bill, I'll call you when we get there, honey.

All right, let's have a wonderful day. I'll see you in a few days.

See you in a few days, old buddy.

Old jerk.

I think I'll read a book before he starts on me.

Oi there, matey.

Do you use an extra hand on the poop deck?

No, I can do it myself.

Oh, come on. Now, don't be silly. I'm an expert at this kind of thing, and I

love doing it.

Now, let's see.

Cement number 83BH, the right aft bumpkin.

And number 216, the right mizzen chain plate to the hull.

First, making sure double four stays numbers 224RN and 225SM are in

position on four castle deck. You do that and I'll glue the anchor to the

You know, Philip,

your mother loves you very much. Yes, she loves me. How come she didn't take

with her?

Because she also loves Chris.

Not the same way she loves you.

This really is glue, isn't it?

You see, honey, there's a different kind of love between a man and a woman. It's

the kind of love that makes them want to get married and spend the rest of their

lives together.

Married people are supposed to spend the rest of their lives together.

How come you've been married four times?

You know, I thought you'd never ask.

Well, you see, honey, in your grandma's case, it's really very simple. All your

grandmother wants to do is make someone happy.

So first she married a man named Barney and made him happy.

And then she married Chester and made him happy.

And then along came a man named Albert, whom your grandmother made happy in just

seven months.

him happy.

Well, honey, your grandma really loves grandpa, so he'll never be that happy.

I'm not worried.

You're the one who keeps talking about Philip, not me. Oh, come on, Carol. All

I've heard is Philip since we got in the car. That's not true.

Come on, Carol.

Did you come in here to eat or to argue?

Argue. Oh, then you've eaten here before.

Two coffees.

My choice.

Honey, if you're this unhappy, why don't we just go back and get the kid? I am

not unhappy.

I'm happy.

I'm the happiest woman in the world.

I'd be happier if you'd stop talking about it. Yeah, that'd make us both

happier.

Look,

Harold, I'd like to remind you that I happen to be an expert on children.

How many kids do you unhappy people have?

One.

Some expert.

I got 11.

11 children?

And one in the oven.

Pass the salt, please.

For coffee?

Whether you taste it.

Look, hon, I'll give you one more chance. Let's go back and bring Philip

reunion. No, Chris, Philip's place is at home.

Besides, why would I want... I don't want to take him on a lousy trip like

You know something, Mac?

Your wife is right.

She is not my wife.

Oh, well, there's your problem right there.

I mean, you got to get married first.

No wonder your kid is ticked off.

You're not much of an expert.

Look, Mac, if you've got 11 kids, I know one thing you're not much of an expert

on either.

Yeah, I know, I know.

I've been meaning to get one of them...

vasectomies, but every time I save enough money, we have another kid.

Oh,

Chris, just think what we'd sound like if we had 11 children.

Hey, come on.

Let's turn back and get Philip.

Make him know that he's part of our new family.

Listen, we can drive up to that old lodge in New Hampshire I told you about.

What about your reunion?

Oh, honey.

You and Philip mean more to me than any old reunion.

The three of us can have a wonderful time.

Very dear.

Listen, I know Philip.

He's stubborn.

He won't want to come with us. I know. I'm positive.

I insist.

You're stubborn, too.

I love you.

All right. I'll call Mother and tell her we're coming back.

Okay, Philip, all I have to do now is get your red jacket and your galoshes

playing in the snow.

Oh, come on, honey. They're going to be here any minute.

I'm not going.

What do you mean you're not going?

They don't want me. If they wanted me alone, they would have taken me in the

first place.

Look, you start that again, Philip, and I'll tooken you upstairs and glue you to

your dirty socks.

Philip, you're going to Laconia, New Hampshire.

You'll be able to go skiing. I hate skiing. And tobogganing. I hate

But, honey, you've always loved skiing and tobogganing. That's how you break

arms and legs.

You want to break my arms and legs?

Well... Of course not.

I'm not going. I want to stay here and finish my boat.

Oh, come on, honey. You can finish your boat when you come back.

I don't want to finish my boat. I'm not going.

That's your baby bottom, I mean it.

Steve, nobody loves me.

Oh, so that's your trouble? Nobody loves you? Let me tell you something, young

man. Your happiness depends on only one person, you.

If Philip is unhappy, it's because Philip has made Philip unhappy.

But if Philip wants to be happy, only Philip can make Philip happy and nobody

else. Now, what do you think about that?

Big deal.

You think that's a big deal? Wait, I'll show you the whole deck.

Oh, look what you made me do.

I never hit you before.

Grandma, you're crying.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. It's almost time. Oh, shut up, you little jerk.

It's okay, Grandma.

It hurt me more than it hurt you.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Let's go. Hi, Mom. Hi, Chris. I'll be right in a minute. Are you kidding?

coming with us? Sure.

Of course. I told you, with a little love and understanding, you'd work

miracles.

And guess what, Mom?

Grandma just beat the hell out of me.

Well, sometimes,

in order to make a child act like an angel on one end, you have to beat the

devil out of him on the other.

Actually, it's called exorcism.

Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa.

Hi, Phyllis.

Phyllis, how good to see you.

I'll go out and help them with the bags. Tell me, sweetheart, did you have a

marvelous time with your mom and Chris?

Did I? Chris took me skiing.

He was real good at all of them. You see? Now, what did Grandma tell you?

You're right, Grandma.

He's not a bad guy for a jerk.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.