Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That'll

compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Maude!

I

ought

to be in pictures.

I'm wonderful.

to see.

I ought to be in pictures.

Oh, what a hit. I would be in Looney Tunes.

That's all folks.

Walter, honey, have I wonderful news for you. Get off my

back, Mort.

I just spent 27 minutes in a Volkswagen carpool with four guys who had Italian

salami for lunch.

Why aren't there ever any hangers in the house? What happened to all the wooden

hangers, Ward?

Well, I didn't want to say anything, Walter, but I think Carol steals.

Thanks, Ward.

Come on. Now, it's all right to take it out on me because you had a rotten day,

but at least tell me what happened.

Well, first...

All I had was a soggy tuna sandwich for dinner, but could I even enjoy that?

No, because there was some 200 -pound matron who was deciding whether she

a washer -dryer in guava yellow or pistachio green.

Incidentally, she was one of only five customers that walked into the store all

day today.

The fifth was a wino who stumbled in to use my facilities and wound up using the

pistachio green washer -dryer.

Tell me, Walter, was the wino a short man?

Yes. Well, you see, if you'd taken my advice and ordered the model that loads

from the top, that wouldn't have happened.

Anyway, sweetheart, I know you're in a rotten mood.

You're in a rotten mood, but I'm not going to let it upset me.

Because once I tell you this bit of news, you are going to be in the best

ever.

Guess what doctor, who's your best friend and his wife, are just back from

honeymoon and are coming over to play bridge tonight.

Arthur Harmon has the nerve to come over to this house and face me?

Hey, Arthur doesn't know a thing about the 200 -pound matron and the pistachio

green wine.

If Arthur steps one foot into this house after what he did to me, I'll kill him.

I'll kill him, Walter. Now, what is going on with you and Arthur?

For the last time, Philip, no.

Will you two stop? What's the matter now?

Nothing.

I told Philip I'd take him to the movies tonight to see Bear Country.

He insists on seeing The Exorcist.

Yeah, Bobby Cappelletti saw it. He said it was great. He threw up twice.

Bobby Cappelletti is only 12.

Yeah, well, Bobby Cappelletti is big for his age.

Besides, if he was 12 when he got in line, by the time he got in the theater,

was probably 17.

Now, let's see, honey. You know you can't see the exorcist. See?

It's rated R.

You can't see anything that's rated R or X.

Why not?

Well, because those movies have bad language and violence in them.

Yeah, and sex.

Philip, we don't call it sex. We call it making love.

Well, Bear Country has animals making love. I can see that.

Yeah, well, animals making love is a G.

But people making love like animals is an X.

Now, come on, honey. Pick something G or PG.

PG. How about this one? The seven ups.

No, you can't do the seven ups either. That's got too much violence in it.

if it's got violence in it, why isn't there any X or R?

Because this is violence with their clothes on.

Oh. I'll just wait till it gets on TV.

Connie, don't feel bad. You love bear country.

Maybe you'll get lucky like Bobby Cappelletti and throw up.

Walter?

Walter, you still have not told me why you're angry with Arthur.

Arthur Harmon is a stupid, idiotic dumbbell. I know, but why are you angry

him?

to have you back. I can't say how it's good to just be back.

Hey, Marty, take a look.

Take a look now.

I bet you can't tell what we've been doing on our honeymoon.

Look at our faces.

We've been sitting under sunlamps for two weeks.

In our bathroom in the hotel.

When you shut the door, it turned on a sunlamp in the ceiling.

You mean that you've been stuck in the bathroom for two weeks?

Oh, Ma, don't be silly. Two weeks in a bathroom.

We could have, Vivian. There was a telephone in there.

Trouble is, I never got the urge to call.

Why don't you get out the bridge table and set it up? Vivian, I have a lot of

catching up to do. Walter, we're waiting for you. Come on, Viv, tell me all

about it. Oh, Ma, it was just wonderful. It was very romantic, extremely tender.

And tax -deductible.

By postponing our honeymoon for just three weeks, we were able to celebrate

in Akron, Ohio.

Akron, Ohio?

At the Surgical Supplies Convention.

Honeymoon in Akron. Arthur, I think that was a mistake.

What do you mean, mistake?

Well, I mean, once you've honeymooned in Akron, what do you have left to look

forward to?

I know what you mean.

There's so much to do in Akron. There must be a million bowling alleys.

Fascinating. Let's see.

We took a VIP tour through a tire factory.

But oh, the best part of all, we stayed in the presidential suite at Howard

Johnson.

Of course, the president never actually used it, but if he's ever in Akron, it's

there for him.

Well, he'll be delighted to know that with a gas shortage, there's a winter

White House in Akron.

Hey, Walter!

Hi, Vivian. Hey, Walter.

Hey, I missed you, old buddy.

Come on, turn around, pal. I'm going to give you a great big hug.

You do, and I'll break both your arms.

Send old Walter a laugh a minute.

I'll get the chairs.

Hey, you should have been with me in Akron, Walter. Remember the last time we

were there?

1944. We were in the service.

Walter and I both picked up a couple of car hops outside of Wimpy's.

Walter was lucky. He got the cute one. I got one that looked like Telly Savalas.

Arthur, you actually went out with a girl who looked like Telly Savalas?

Only twice.

Right, now, now, now, let's sit down and play cards, Arthur. As long as we have

to play, let's do it.

Now, look, Walter.

Honey Bunch, would you come into the kitchen and help me carry out the potato

chips? Potato chips?

Well, you know how heavy they are.

Don't mind Walter. He's upset.

He had to spin dry a wino today.

Okay, Walter. Why are you being so rude to Arthur? More, if you insist on

bugging me, Arthur gave me a stock tip before he left on his honeymoon.

From the look on your face, the stock went down.

They're sad.

To who? The company went bankrupt.

Walter, how much did you lose?

A few dollars. Walter, a few dollars?

Walter, it's the principle of the thing. Arthur insisted that I invest.

He promised me I would double my money in a month. You lost a few dollars. It's

not the end of the world.

No, now, how about Arthur? He obviously lost money, too. You don't hear him

complaining. He's a doctor. He's loaded. He could drop a million dollars and get

it right back.

Two hernias and a house call.

Now, Walter, when Arthur gave you that tip, you knew it was a gamble.

I mean, that's what the market is.

Look at my father.

Fifty years ago, he bought ten shares of AT &T at a dollar a share, held it for

two years, and then sold it for a dollar and a quarter.

But not everybody wins. He locked on other stocks.

Boy, Arthur guaranteed me we would both make a bundle. Come on now, honey,

Arthur. Heather and Vivian are honeymooners. They're deliriously happy.

please, don't burst their bubble.

Let them do that themselves.

Okay, okay. I won't spoil Vivian's happiness.

I won't say a thing.

Look, Mort, I'm going to play one game of bridge, excuse myself, go upstairs,

and cry myself to sleep.

Heather, honey, if it'll make you feel better, why don't you very calmly...

Tell Arthur that you're not happy about losing the money, but be nice about it,

Walter. And remember, he's your friend.

And a friend isn't something you can just pick up at the cheese counter at

Safeway.

Although with Arthur... Come on. I'm not going to mention that stock, not

one word. Otherwise, I know I'll have to kill him. All right.

Do it your way.

Don't mention it at all, okay?

There!

Marty, you deal.

Walter, pass the potato chips.

Don't give me advice, you faint. The stock went right down the drain.

Walter, go upstairs and cry yourself to sleep.

What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about. That stock you

talked me into, the company went bankrupt.

Oh. Arthur, you gave Walter a stock, too?

That's right, love dove.

So Walter lost a few dollars, and who cares? Right, Arthur? Right, who cares?

You're not helping, are you?

Walter,

we can't lose. It's a gold mine. We'll make a fortune off it.

Listen, pal, I feel bad about this, too, you know.

But I got the tip from an impeccable source, the president of the company.

He was laying right under my knife.

It was an emergency appendectomy.

And just as he took his last breath before he went on to the anesthetic, he

cried out to me, Bye, Arthur, bye!

Gave me that tip right from his guts.

Now, come on, Walter. The subject is closed.

Yes, come on. Let's play cards.

I really feel guilty about this, old friend, but that's the stock market, you

know. Say, Libby?

I'm married to a man who's bilingual.

Don't forget double -jointed, Vivian.

You see, Arthur's attitude's casual.

It's just one of those things.

Just one of those things. Just one of those things. Walter, will you stop

whimpering? It's unbecoming. So it's unbecoming.

I lose $3 ,700 and he thinks I'm worried about...

One club.

Walter, I'm supposed to bid first. One diamond.

Two clubs.

Three hearts.

May we review the bidding?

One diamond.

Two clubs. Three hearts.

$3 ,700.

What?

Walter,

did you tell me that $3 ,700 is a few dollars?

Mark, look at the bright side. What bright side?

I got off lucky. If I lost $3 ,700, Arthur must have lost a fortune. Right,

Arthur? Mark, Walter, don't worry about me. I didn't invest in nickel.

Please, get up.

I owe $3 ,700 and he doesn't invest a nickel.

Good heavens, Ma, does he do this often?

Only in the mornings when his pablum is too high.

Please, Walter, now stop behaving like a baby and get up. I like acting like a

baby.

All right, sir, I think maybe you should apologize to Walter.

What for?

I gave the man a stock tip.

Does that mean I have to invest too?

Let me answer that question with another question.

How would you like a punch in the nose?

A very good question. Please, must we be violent?

Now, now, now, don't you worry, sweetheart.

I better warn you, Walter.

I was on the wrestling team in high school.

You lay a hand on me and I'll give you an airplane spin, a half Nelson, and

squeeze you within an inch of your life.

He can do it too, I know.

You see the slides of your honeymoon.

If it was such a good investment, Arthur, how come you didn't get in on

have my reasons.

Now, you'll just have to accept that on face value.

Besides, I'm a doctor. I don't know anything about business.

You knew enough not to invest.

And don't tell me you didn't have the money, doctor.

What is that supposed to mean? Oh, come on, Arthur. Everybody knows that doctors

have loose cash lying around in shoeboxes.

Just what are you implying, fella? I am not implying anything. If the shoebox

fits, wear it.

You got some nerve calling doctors thieves.

You appliance dealer.

Phony money -back guarantees.

Advertising bargains he hasn't got to lure poor innocent victims into the

Arthur, how dare you talk that way to Walter?

Anybody who's stupid enough to lose $3 ,700 is not smart enough to lure

victims.

Thanks, Ward.

I never cheated anyone in my life, and that includes you.

All right.

Why don't you give me the money back on that defective waffle iron? That waffle

iron has a one -year guarantee. You've had the thing for 13 years.

He's already got a cop -out.

Carmen, you're a chiseler and a crook, and you're a whimpering S .O .G.

What?

Who do you think you're calling?

S .O .G.?

Surgeon and surgeon's hands.

Only did you not invest, but you wouldn't tell him why you didn't invest.

But that is not true. I gave him a very good reason.

What? It's none of his business.

Look, Archer, I'm your bride. You can tell me.

All right.

It's none of your business.

I wasn't hiding anything, Maud.

I mean, I was going to tell you about the investment. I was going to surprise

you when I doubled the money. Come on, Walter, you're lying.

I can tell by the expression on your face. What expression?

You only have one expression.

I can read you like a book. In the five years we have been married, never once

have you kept anything from me.

Successfully.

Will you stop exaggerating, Mort?

How about the time I sent that extra $900 to my first wife and I didn't tell

for six months?

You never told me that.

It'll be six months Friday.

want to share every part of your life. But now look at me. What am I? Just a

bedtime toy.

Baby, there's no way to talk in the kitchen.

Arthur, listen, a happy marriage is based on mutual trust.

Just look at Walter and Maude. They've had five trusting, marvelous years

together. I am tired of being a second -class citizen.

I am your equal, Walter. I am not your silent partner.

ever said you were silent?

That'll get you for that.

What a joker, Pooh.

Problems of finance are not for your cute, teeny brain to worry about.

I mean, all of my late wife Agnes ever knew about finances.

was that she was going to have a first -class funeral.

I am not Agnes. I am a woman whose honeymoon is over. Oh, nonsense, Vivian.

left the convention early. Tax -wise, it carries a few months.

Vivian! That is a sign of you I have never seen before.

Oh?

And dishes breaking all around you.

What the hell is going on in there?

And another thing, Vivian. Oh, sir!

Would you believe it? Vivian is jealous of Agnes' funeral. Oh, I am not!

Vivian, if you can't stand the heat, maybe... Oh, shut up!

I can see the honeymoon is over.

and don't you scream at me because that nitwit husband of yours... Hold it! Pay

no attention, Vivian, just because Marty marries for quantity instead of

quality... Hold it!

Just because your marriage is breaking up, don't try to break up mine. And to

think I once considered you my best friend.

I am your best friend, Vivian, but that's just because I am your...

like Tally Sabalas.

to bust off our friendship. I'm sorry about the dishes.

Oh, forget it. We can always get new dishes.

Oh, Arthur, I think you better tell us why you didn't invest.

Oh, well, at least tell Martin Walter and I'll just go outside or somewhere if

you want.

Hang it, old Vivian. Arthur, what could it be that you can't tell me? Well, I

could tell you, Walter, but it's Vivian.

Me? No, no, no, no, no, no, Vivian.

super successful, highly intelligent, superior, debonair, man about town, that

doctor you met and proposed to.

But the truth is, I'm not.

The simple truth is, I didn't have the money to invest.

Arthur, you didn't have the money? I lost it all.

I don't understand. I lost it all, the cash I had.

I invested very heavily in a real estate deal down in Costa Rica.

I thought I was going to be a banana king.

I own a thousand acres of swamp.

I'm a mosquito king.

Arthur, do you think if I hadn't lost all that money, I would have taken you

a tax -deductible honeymoon to Akron, Ohio?

But, Arthur, that doesn't matter. I love you.

Come on, you two, before my mascara starts running. Come on, let's play

Okay, come on, let's all play cards.

You know, I really did think you were going to make a killing on that stock,

Walter. You've got to believe that.

Well, I believe that, old buddy.

As a matter of fact, I have been so strapped for cash that I was going to

you if you could loan me a couple of thousand for a month or two. I'd love

but the $3 ,700 that I lost... Arthur, in the interest of our friendship,

and I would be delighted to lend you the money.

Oh, that's very nice of you, Walter.

But I'll get on my feet. A couple of house calls here, a couple of hernias

there.

By scrimping and saving, Walter and I have managed to put away about $4 ,000

our vacation fund.

We'd love you to have it. I mean, what the heck? It's only money. Right,

Uh -oh.

Right, Walter?

Two clubs.

Would you excuse me?

I'm sorry, Maud.

I really feel like a heel blowing all the vacation money.

Sweetheart, don't worry.

I just thought of a wonderful place where you can vacation this summer. It

everything. Tennis, boating, hiking, horseback riding, bicycling, and in a

beautiful rustic setting.

It sounds great. Where is it?

Central Park.

will be crammed with excitement, Walter.

Beating. All right. Mugging. All right.

All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

right. All right. All right. All right.

All right.

All right.