Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to answer that she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. I told you once, I

told you 50 times.

You change your oil, you put antifreeze in your radiator, and you check your

battery. And if I told you once, I've told you 50 times, you should have

Andy Granatelli.

The coldest day of the year and your car won't start.

How can you be so careless not checking your battery?

Battery was fine yesterday.

And so was the weather.

How can a battery die overnight?

Why not? People do.

Of course, but people do not come with 36 -month warranties from Sears.

Uh, look, Nanook.

Would you mind removing your Siberian toe slippers?

And don't worry about the car. I'll call Eddie's garage.

Ward, where are my reading glasses?

Well, they always are, sweetheart.

Lost.

Come on, Ward. You know, I always keep my reading glasses in the desk drawer.

Now, what happened to them?

I bet you Florida moved them. You know she's been behaving very strangely

lately. I think it's change of life.

You think everything's change of life?

Has to be something.

You know, the other day when she did the laundry, she put starch in my bra.

You've got to be kidding. No, yesterday I walked around all day pointing at the

ceiling.

Something is definitely happening with Florida. Something in her mind.

Well, now that you mention it, The other morning, she spilled hot coffee down on

my leg. Boy, did it hurt.

Did you ever wear a starched bra?

Maude, my glasses! How am I going to read the morning paper? Forget about it.

would only depress you. I mean, the way things are going today, I wouldn't put a

newspaper in the bottom of a birdcage.

Oh, Carol.

Boy, do I have bad news for you.

Oh? Maude's car is conked out in the driveway, and I don't think you'll be

to get to work today.

Okay. Now, what's the bad news?

I thought you liked your job. Last Sunday, you told me you loved your work.

do, on Sundays.

Why, you're going to tell them today.

All right, Henry, all right. I know you, woman.

Every day for the last week, you've been saying, oh, I'll tell them, Henry.

On Monday, you said, oh, Henry, I'll tell them tomorrow.

On Tuesday, you said, oh, Henry, I'll tell them later in the week. On

you said, oh, Henry, I forgot.

You all know my husband, old Henry.

Hi, Henry, what's going on?

Florida's got some news.

Go on, tell them.

Tell us what?

Nothing. Go on, break it to them.

This ain't your everyday easy news to break.

Florida, are you going to tell them or am I going to tell them? Cool it, Henry.

Now, don't go humbugging me, woman.

Buzz off, Henry.

Don't you know when you work for somebody a long time, you get to love

when you love somebody, you just don't up and say you're quitting.

You're quitting? Really? Florida, is something wrong? Did something happen?

Well, I'll tell you what happened.

Last week, Henry got promoted down at the firehouse with a real nice raise.

So we figured out after all these years, I won't have to work anymore.

I can stay home with my husband, my children, and my house.

Like I always said, Henry may not be the handsomest man in the world, but he is

a good provider.

You know something, Florida, since you've been working for Maude, your lip

grown a full three inches.

to miss you, Florida.

No more than I'm going to miss you, honey.

Oh, that's terrific, Florida. Congratulations, Henry.

Thank you, Walter.

Now, see, Florida, it wasn't so bad to tell them, was it?

Wait a minute, Henry.

This is only the tail end of the baton order.

I still got to face the slugger.

She'll be no problem. She'll be thrilled for you.

That's easy for you to say. You're only the husband and the daughter.

You ain't close to her like I am.

Well, what's she gonna do? Kill you?

Henry, when I tell that woman I'm leaving, I could just hear her in that

Crawford voice.

Oh, Florida, darling.

We love you so much, you're like family.

shove a martini into my hand, and while she's pouring and I'm drinking, before I

know it, she'll sweet -talk me into re -enlisting.

You know what your trouble is, Florida?

You're afraid to tell her. You chicken.

I'd rather be a live chicken than a dead duck.

Why don't you leave that drive to Red Fox?

I'll see you later here. Okay, love. Bye, Henry. Bye now. Bye, Henry. Take it

easy, Walter.

Well, I might as well face it.

Big bad boy, big bad boy, big bad boy.

Who's afraid of the big?

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Finley residence.

Oh, hello, Mother.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Yes, Mother. Look, Mother, I have my work to do. Could you call back

little later?

I know, Mother, but... Yes. Yes, Mother.

That's tough, Mother.

Who is that, Florida?

Your mother.

Oh. Now look, Florida.

What were Mr.

Findley's reading glasses doing in with my nylon panties?

I don't know.

Maybe he was trying to read the washing instructions.

Look, Mrs. Spinner. Florida, you better get a grip on yourself.

One little mistake. Now, look, Florida, if you can't take a little constructive

criticism, maybe... Listen, have you tried hormones?

There you go again, blaming everything on change of life.

If Philip skinned his knee, you would holler menopause.

Now, look, not having menopause is a very flimsy excuse.

Now, you have a job to do, Florida, and I expect a day's work for a day's pay.

And I give you a day's work. Yes, but it takes you a week to do it.

Stop beating around the bush. Why don't you come out and say it?

Ask me to leave. Kick me out. Fire me. Isn't that what you're trying to say?

Don't tell me what I'm trying to say, Florida. Well, you won't have to put up

with me much longer, because I'm quitting.

Well, here we go again.

All right.

You've had your little laugh.

I'm sorry I yelled at you. I apologize.

That is not why I'm leaving. Of course that's it.

Don't tell me what's it. I know what's it. What it is, I'm leaving.

Florida, how can you do this to me? Why won't you accept my apology? If you just

listen. Florida, don't you realize how close we've been? Will you let me say

something, please? I mean, I don't even think of you as an employee or even a

friend. Florida, don't you know what you are?

You're my sister.

Oh, brother.

Now, Florida, it has to be something I've said or something I've done or you

wouldn't be spouting this nonsense.

It is not nonsense.

Did it ever occur to you that I may be quitting because of me and not you?

That I might have a family of my own, a house of my own, and a life of my own?

I may belong to you from nine to five, but the rest of the time I belong to me.

And from now on, me is going to be full time.

I could raise my children and look after my husband.

Oh, you really must hate me.

Hate you? Oh, pulling that soap opera stuff on me, playing on my sympathy.

Really, Florida, I never thought you'd stoop this low. For the last time, it

nothing to do with you. You know, the trouble with you is, when your mouth is

open, it closes your ears.

As soon as the weather clears.

That could be next spring.

That's soon enough for me.

Mother, did Florida tell you?

Tell me what?

Well, that Henry got a promotion and she's retiring.

You mean... You mean you really are quitting?

Mm -hmm.

I mean, didn't you think that you could come right out and tell me without

giving me...

You mean all this nonsense about change of life and everything?

Then you really are quitting.

That's the general idea.

Oh, Florida.

Well, I'm happy. I'm really happy for you, Florida.

Oh, you're going to have so much fun taking care of your own house and your

family, living your own life, having... Sit down. I'll make you a martini. Oh,

no.

Just think, Florida, maybe you'll have your own housekeeper.

No, thanks.

I don't want nobody putting starch in my bra.

Maude, you're not too upset, are you?

You're not going to cry, are you, Mother?

Me cry?

Why would I cry?

Carol, come on. I'm a grown -up, mature, sensible woman.

We'll find someone else.

I mean, even though Florida says she's leaving in a week, I'm sure she'll stay

on longer. You know, till we get an adequate replacement.

Maude, it took you six months to find Florida.

I know, dear.

Now, let's see. Does Florida take one or two olives in her martini?

Oh, hi, Carol. Where you been?

Oh, shopping.

You want to see something cute?

Look.

Oh, it's out of sight.

Aren't they going to be a little too tight around the heart?

Not at all.

Boy, you're going to get whistled at.

I don't see why. They're for Philip.

Not too bad.

You just brought tears to the eyes of 50 ,000 truck drivers.

Where's Mother?

Where she's been all week. inside interviewing another applicant to

Florida? Another one? How many does that make?

Well, I think she just broke McDonald's hamburger record.

We don't have this much trouble picking a president.

Naturally. We're more particular when we pick a maid.

And this is my kitchen.

This is my sink. This is my refrigerator. And this is my...

This is my daughter. This is my husband.

If you'll follow me, I'll show you the rest of the house.

I don't believe it. I didn't even get a chance to see the woman's face.

What's the difference? You'll never see it again.

I can tell she's another reject.

If you ask me, Mother is rejecting everyone because subconsciously she

bear the thought of replacing Florida.

Maybe it would help if she thought of Florida as a husband.

She's never had any trouble replacing them.

She's more particular when she picks a maid.

What are you doing?

My last tango in Tuckahoe.

This is my V -day.

At five o 'clock, it will be V for Vamoose.

Oh, do I envy you. What are you going to do tomorrow now that you're retiring?

Well, first thing when I wake up in the morning, I'm going to loll around in

bed, take my own sweet time, and not get up until 5 a .m.

I'm going to fix Henry's breakfast and get the children dressed and off to

school, make the bed, scrub the floors, do the laundry, and then clean the

house. No offense, folks.

My house.

We're not going to have anybody to replace you.

I wonder what you'll find wrong with this one.

I'll bet a dollar on left -handed.

I'll go with too tall.

Didn't she use too tall on that Swedish midget yesterday?

Yeah, yeah. I'll change my bet to flat feet.

Okay. And I'll take shifty eyes.

Maybe with a zero hour so close, she'll lower her standards and hire this one.

Are you kidding?

Why don't you check it out, Florida?

Good idea. I'll pretend I'm dusting.

So as you can see, it's really an enormous house and requires a great deal

very hard work.

Oh, I'm accustomed to big houses. I used to work on an estate.

Oh.

Well, in that case, I'm sure you'll feel cramped in such a cracker.

I'm sure with my experience I could adjust. Did the agency mention that I

eight years for the Ford family?

Oh, what a shame.

Now, the Finleys are nothing like the Fords. We come in, throw off our hats

coats, kick off our shoes. We're more like the Toyotas.

I

guess

the Fords weren't a fun family.

Well, anyway, we couldn't...

Possibly pay the salary that you must be accustomed to getting.

Oh, well, frankly, Mrs. Finley, the money is secondary.

My primary interest is being near the city. I go to Columbia two nights a

I'm getting my degree in English Literature.

Oh, well, we're not the least bit literary. As a matter of fact, we just

our library into a powder room.

Oh, well, Mrs. Florida, my present housekeeper.

who ever since I started interviewing applicants has made dusting this room

life's work.

Godfrey Cambridge will get you for that.

Well, Mr. Finley, this is countdown.

Five, four, three,

two, one.

Going, going, gone.

with that one? Everything. One minute the house was too big, the next minute

was too small.

She didn't have a brain in her head.

You know, she's so stupid she has to go to night school.

And besides, didn't you notice? Notice what?

Her shifty eyes.

to you that you keep turning everyone down because psychologically, deep down

your subconscious, you don't want Florida to leave?

Oh, Walter, that's absurd.

Maud, I know Florida's a very special person, but there are a lot of people

could do her job. Oh, come on, Walter, you'd settle for anyone.

I'll never forget your bachelor apartment.

Sloppy Walter Findlay. It looked like a rat's nest.

Bed never made, clothes all over the floor. Your clothes, Maud, not mine.

by the bell again, Walt.

Now, if you'll excuse me, that's probably another athlete. Mort, if you

want to hire somebody, why don't you let Florida interview this one?

That's a good idea.

Florida, you were eavesdropping.

Naturally.

Where are we going to find someone as clever as Florida?

This woman is a saint. Right, Mort. She's the only one who knows anything

running this place, so why don't you let her handle it? All right, but I get

final approval.

And no eavesdropping.

I'd like to speak to Mrs. Finley. Oh, no, you wouldn't, honey. You're much

better off speaking to me.

I'm the saint you're replacing.

Saint Florida.

Sit down.

And relax.

Would you like to see my resume?

Well, first I'd like to ask you a few questions about yourself.

How did you vote in the last election?

I was out of the state.

Oh, darn it.

And your color ain't gonna do you no good.

What's wrong with my color?

You ain't got any.

Were you ever busted for walking a picket line or marching in a protest

Of course not.

Well, that's too bad.

Look, what's all this got to do with anything?

I'm a good worker. I'm honest. I'm reliable. Honey, around here, that don't

shoe fly pie.

What about your family?

Any drums or ex -convicts? Are you kidding?

Honey, you're going to be a hard sell.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Let me ask you a question.

What have you got going here? Is this a residence or an outpatient clinic?

You see, honey, the Finlands, well, they're very nice people.

But if you want this job, we got to find something about you that'll feed her

guilt.

You see, Mrs. Finley is one of them bleeding -hard liberals. That's her

diet. Cottage cheese and guilt.

This is hard.

There must be some cloud that we can turn into a silver lining.

I don't know what you're looking for, but I'm not interested.

I've never been in any trouble.

My parents have never been in any trouble. In fact, ever since they came

here from Puerto Rico, it's been no trouble. Puerto Rico? Hold it!

Puerto Rico. That goes good with cottage cheese.

outpatient clinic.

Walter, this is ridiculous. It's a waste of time. Walter, I can go out there and

in one minute tell you whether or not she's right for the job.

Please, let me go.

Okay, Maude, but give her a fair chance.

Walter, I'll do more than give her a fair chance.

I'll bend over backwards.

Mr. and Mrs. Finley, this is Rita.

Nice to meet you, Rita. You're not what we had in mind.

Maude, be careful.

Of what?

I don't want you straining yourself bending over backwards.

Walter, if music be the food of love, go swallow a banjo.

Rita, I hope you understand. It's simply that we're looking for someone a little

more experienced.

Mrs. Finley, look at this.

Experience. Hotel floor maid, three years.

Assistant to housekeeper... I mean where it says nationality.

shocked. I am shocked you know that nationality don't mean shoofly pie

here.

Or do I care what her nationality is? People are people, period.

It's just that Rita isn't right for the job.

You do understand, don't you, dear?

I am sorry you feel that way, senora.

I always dreamed of working in a beautiful home like this ever since I

San Juan to come to New York.

Did you say New York?

Walter, our new housekeeper is Puerto Rican.

Ole, hooray, and that's that.

Oh, you poor, poor thing. You must have had a miserable childhood.

Oh, oh, ah, ah, si, si, senora. He was, um, we... As a little baby, I worked

like a dog in a field cutting sugar cane.

Mi madre and mi padre, they say, we go to los Estados Unidos.

Yeah, that's United States, Walter.

Don't you worry, you poor thing. In no time, we will have you carefree and

laughing. Oh, senora, I am laughing.

Spanish laughs.

Rita, dear, you can begin first thing Monday.

Take your time. Noon will be fine.

Gracias. Gracias, Senora Finley. Gracias to you, Rita. And Rita, dear, please,

call me Maude. Si. Si, Senora.

Come in, Henry.

Hasta la vista.

Hasta la vista.

That means I'll see you later.

Where's Florida?

Is it five o 'clock so soon?

A punto.

That means on the dot.

Really, Walter?

Well, besame mucho.

That means go sit on a taco.

Florida Henry's here.

I guess this is it.

Yep. I guess this is it.

I'll tell you one thing, though, Florida. I'm going to be very adult

I am not going to cry. No tears.

Me neither.

I mean, it's not like we won't see each other again. How far do we live from

each other? 45 minutes?

I mean, Walter and I will be coming in. And Henry and I will be driving out. You

know something? We'll probably end up seeing more of each other now than we

before. I know we will.

Of course.

Goodbye. Goodbye, Florida.

Maud. What, Florida?

Life isn't really like that, is it?

No, I don't guess it is.

I mean, it ain't likely that I'll be seeing you again soon.

Or even ever.

Again.

That's right, Flora.

But I'm not going to cry.

Me neither.

Well, thanks for everything.

Thank you, Flora.

Bye.

I've changed my mind.

I'm going to cry.

Do you mind if I join you?

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.