Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.

She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizer. Right on,

Right this way, folks. Come along.

Right in here.

Get yourselves comfortable.

Should be a mite warmer waiting in here.

I'll let you know when the train's ready to move again.

Well, I told my family I'd be home tonight. How long are we going to be

here? Hard to figure.

Well, about how long does it take to fix a frozen switch?

Don't rightly know.

Are they working on it now?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Well, how late will we be getting into New York? There ain't no telling.

Oh, if you need any more information, just ask me. That's what I'm here for.

It's so picturesque.

Only in Vermont can you find a station like this.

Hey, come on, you guys.

Come on, everybody. Come see this place. You'll love it.

Well,

I hope you're happy, Maud.

I mean, not only didn't Vivian and Arthur go through with the wedding you

planned for them, but now we're snowbound in the middle of nowhere. Oh,

Walter.

for me when I'm sick.

Shut up, Arthur.

Well, I've got to hand it to you, Maud, because you thought it would be romantic

to have a winter wonderland wedding. I'm up here freezing my fanny off. Oh, shut

up, Arthur.

Gesundheit. Oh, shut up, Arthur.

All I said was gesundheit. Thank you. Now, shut up.

Vivian. Listen.

I really am sick.

I'm a doctor. Sickness is my specialty.

on it. They're shut up. Martin, how can you talk like that?

That's my specialty.

Shut up, Martin. Stop butting in. Oh, shut up, Vivian. I agree with Vivian.

up, Martin.

Go ahead, go ahead. Yell at a man who's only one heartbeat away from a sickbed.

As soon as we get back home, I'll have Jerry Lewis put on a telethon for you.

happens that I've come down with a new virus that's going around. Ah, go on.

The four -hour flu.

The four -hour flu. Come on, Arthur.

It's like the Hong Kong flu, except it comes from Taiwan.

I suppose it's all my fault. I shouldn't get so close to my patients,

particularly when they're sick.

If you didn't want to marry me, why didn't you just say so in the first

don't understand your attitude, Vivian. Well, how do you expect her to feel,

Arthur?

up here in Vermont.

The judge says, do you, Arthur, take Vivian to be your lawful wedded wife?

look at her lovingly and then you race to the men's room and toss your cookies.

May I dig on purpose?

I'm obviously running a fever. I'm burning up.

Feel my head water.

Well, it feels cool to me, Arthur.

Don't let that outer skin fool you.

Heat underneath it spells trouble.

It's obvious to everyone but you that you have a mental block against marrying

me. Hogwash, bourgeois, and applesauce. I love you.

Arthur, this can't be coincidence. This is the third time.

Up here in Vermont, two weeks ago in front of the Justice of the Peace in

Greenwich, and a month ago at the Shriner's Temple when you threw up in

feds.

I told you it's the four -hour flu.

It's insidious.

If you ask me, I think it's fun. It's an adventure.

Yeah, I love a good old -fashioned snowstorm.

You know, the kids are right.

A good old -fashioned snowstorm is fun. It's racing. It's exhilarating. You

know, we really should all be out in the snow having fun.

Good idea. Let's go outside.

In this blizzard? Are you crazy?

He's still on the train. I thought he got off at the last station. So did he.

Well, hello there, compañeros.

Pardon me, my dear. Would you care to join me for a little drink at the bar?

Nothing obscene, mind you, but I do pride myself on my Harvey Wallbangers.

I'm sorry, but my doctor has me strictly on mother's milk.

And my mother won't let me share with strangers.

Uh, honey, do you have any change for the candy machine?

Vivian, a few hours ago you were in love with me.

We would have been married now if I hadn't whoopsied.

How can you be angry with me just because I'm sick?

You know, Arthur, sometimes I have the feeling you're just getting even with me

for not marrying you in December like your tax lawyer suggested.

Oh, Vivian, that's ridiculous.

You mean much more to me than a tax shelter.

I didn't need to marry you then. I was already invested in Black Angus Bulls.

Why don't you go marry one of your bulls?

Well, there are three reasons.

Oh, shut up!

Perhaps you care to try my famous Polynesian punch.

You'll have to drink it neat. I ran out of gardenias.

Look, why don't you just go outside and write your name in the snow?

All

right, if

you want it that bad, it's yours. Maybe the one in the ladies' room works.

Look, Harvard, be a good boy and stop annoying my wife. She's a Yale man.

A Yale man?

I bet you think I'm drunk, right?

I bet you think I'm absolutely plastered, right?

No, of course not. Then why am I pouring my drink on your shoes?

Now, the one in the ladies' room works.

You can have a Clark Bar or a Midol.

Buy a Midol.

Buy a Midol. We could be stuck in the station all month.

for a spell.

The repair gang can't get through. Snow drips too high.

I may need the my door.

Walter, look at it as an act of God.

Now I'll have time to get Arthur and Vivian back together again.

Okay, Arthur. I think it is time we came to the truth about this whole wedding

situation. Ma, did you hear what the conductor said?

Well, we're snowbound. I'm a doctor. These poor people are probably scared to

death. I better reassure them.

All right, folks.

Folks, may I have your attention, please?

Now, there's no need to panic.

I'm a doctor.

Dr. Arthur Harmon is the name.

Oh, my name is Smith.

And this is my niece.

Where's your puppy?

Shut up.

Excuse me. Did you say you were a doctor?

Oh, skiing accident.

Yeah, would you mind taking a look at it? No. Sorry, I'm not licensed to

practice in this state.

You've got to be so careful with strangers, you know, malpractice suits.

You know, Arthur, I don't know how you make a living as a doctor. You won't

treat strangers and your friends won't go near you.

It's not snowing out.

It's beautiful.

Cold, but beautiful.

There's a full moon.

Arthur, why don't you and Vivian go out and look at the moon?

I've seen the moon.

Arthur, why don't you stick your head in a barf bag?

Vivian, you're going to have to make the first move.

Arthur loves you. Now give the man a break. Excuse me. No, that's all right.

My niece.

It's reassuring to know that the American family unit is still intact.

Now, look, Vivian. Maude, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so

don't you just hit the road?

Arthur, I don't want you to take this personally, but I think she hates you.

So according to my latest survey, that makes five of us.

Look, just because I caught a little bug... Oh, come on, Arthur, you did not

catch a bug.

Your inability to go through with a wedding is purely psychosomatic. It is

mental. You woolly -headed liberals in your psychiatry. You think everything is

mental. Do you call this coated tongue mental?

But what do you think it is, Arthur? Internal dandruff?

Come on, Arthur. It is obviously your subconscious that is not permitting you

go through with a wedding ceremony.

Horse feathers.

Did anyone ever see your subconscious?

I don't believe anything exists unless I can remove it. If it's not

psychosomatic, how come you're not sick now?

What do you mean I'm not sick now? How come you're not blowing your nose?

right. Why aren't you blowing your nose?

Well, I'm not blowing my nose.

I guess I'm well.

Yeah, I'm well.

Come on, excuse me. Feel my head again, will you, Walter?

Feel any different?

No. It still feels like your head, Arthur.

Well, that's it. Sure.

It was the four -hour flu.

Four hours, exactly.

And 11 minutes. And 11 minutes? You must have had a very severe attack.

Now that I'm a well man, you're going to listen to me whether you want to or

not.

Tomorrow, I'm going to marry you and nothing is going to happen. If nothing's

going to happen, why get married?

Oh, Arthur, if only I could just believe that.

You can't, Vivian, because I love you.

On my honor as a gentleman and a physician, if it were at all humanly

I'd marry you right here and now.

Why is it you can never find a minister when you need one?

Excuse me, I'm a minister.

My name is Reverend Martin. I played hooky and went on a skiing trip.

God punished me.

You have the results of your blood test and you have the license. He could marry

you right now.

Oh,

come on, Vivian.

Cheer up, honey. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

You sure crawled under that door pretty fast. Why didn't you ask me for a dime?

I had a dime. I was just afraid to take my hand away from my mouth.

Is everything all right?

You need any help?

Arthur? I'm fine again now, Walter.

So what's taking you so long?

I'm just reading on the wall what they say about Senator...

Well, that was very shocking language.

Walter, have you got a comb?

I dropped mine in the... Oh, for crying out loud, Arthur. Now, will you level

with me? What is it?

Is it Agnes?

Do you feel guilty because you're getting married again? Oh, poppycock,

Agnes wanted me to marry again.

When I was taking care of her, I was her doctor before she died.

She asked me for two favors.

One of them was that I get married again.

And what was the other?

Get her another doctor.

Delirium fuzzies up the mind, you know.

Arthur, it's got to be something.

All I know is whenever the minister says, do you take this woman Vivian to

your lawfully wedded wife, I try to say I will.

But my Adam's apple contracts and it's clear the decks.

I know, Arthur. But there's got to be some reason for it, so let's both of us

sit down and talk about it.

I don't think we'd be able to hear each other through the partition.

I mean outside. Oh, I'm not going out there again now. What would I say to

Vivian? Well, let's just forget it, Walter. Forget it. I don't even want to

discuss it.

Vivian. Now, Vivian.

Vivian, listen to me.

Vivian, Arthur loves you.

He said so just before he ran to the can.

What's new about that?

Arthur always says he loves me just before he runs to the can.

It has to be some kind of hang -up.

Have you two been arguing lately?

Oh, come on. You know us. We never argue.

Except sometimes, maybe when he mentions Agnes too much, or maybe I talk about

Chuck.

Vivian.

Chuck.

What, you mean you think Arthur may be jealous of Chuck?

Oh, come on, Ma.

Oh, no, just because I was married to Chuck for 16 years?

Honey, these things can happen. And you know something like this happened to me

in one of my marriages?

Not everything happened to you in one of your marriages.

Now look, Vivian, I want to ask you a question.

Is everything fine between the two of you when it comes to, you know... Our

-knows are fine, thank you.

As far as you know, your you -knows are fine.

But you know, you -knows can turn into no -knows, you know.

Shut up. Maude.

No, Vivian, look at it this way.

Every time Arthur gets in front of the minister and the minister says, do you

take Vivian to be your lawful wedded wife, an image of Chuck comes into his

mind. Chuck, your ex, who was a great halfback at college and great all over

house, as Walter would say.

I mean, it's a very tough act to follow.

Maude, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

You really think so? Of course.

And I'll tell you something. I guarantee we can clear this whole thing up in

five minutes if we could just get Arthur to admit the possibility.

If only you could.

Oh, come on, honey. Now knock those frozen tears off those artificial

Your lips are beginning to sag.

No thanks.

talk to you. Go away, Marty.

Listen, Walter, would you bring Arthur out here?

He doesn't want to.

Marty, a man has certain rights of privacy and a men's room happens to be

them. Now, I'm not coming out and that's that.

Look, Arthur, if you're not coming out, I'm coming in. Come on, Walter.

Look, you two are still golfers, aren't you?

Now, it's a very delicate matter and one that I find most difficult and

embarrassing to discuss with you. But, Arthur, I believe that you are afraid

that compared to Chuck in certain rooms of the house, you don't compare to

Chuck.

But I am not about to discuss my S .E .X. life in the M .E .N.'s room.

Walter, this is nothing to be ashamed of. You think of Chuck and the flame

flickers. You know, Walter had the same problem about Chester. What?

Even though I was married to Albert in between.

Mark, when I married you, you never once complained about my flame flickering.

Come on, Walter.

Don't you remember you constantly asked me questions about Chester, who was six

feet two and a middleweight champion in the Marines.

And instead, I would always answer and tell you about Albert, who had asthma

used to have to rest on the landing when he walked upstairs.

Well, I got something to say to you. What, Walter?

Wait a minute. I'm sure it's written somewhere on the wall.

Now, Mark, I've had two near marriages today.

I'm tired and exhausted, and I want to be alone.

I'll just say one thing.

This is the last time I go to the men's room with you two.

And if this is the gratitude I get for coming in and giving you a perfectly

logical explanation for your neurotic behavior... Neurotic behavior?

Yes, you are obviously frightened of Chuck, frightened that you can't measure

up. Well, that is patently ridiculous.

And for the last time, if I have any problem, which I don't...

It's between me and Vivian. If it is between you and Vivian, Arthur, and

not neurotic, go out and talk to her. Come on, let's get out of here. This

is freezing.

No wonder you have ice cubes in here.

But unfortunately, I stuck my ski pole through it. Thanks anyway.

Look, Vivian, dear, Arthur wants to talk to you, don't you? Well, I can't talk

to Vivian with all these people around.

Well, then take her into the men's room.

I will not take her into the men's room. I don't blame him, Ward. How about the

ladies' room? No. You see, he never takes me anywhere.

And I certainly do not intend to discuss anything personal here in Grand Central

Station.

You don't think he's going to do anything foolish like throw himself on

tracks?

That wouldn't be foolish.

Arthur?

Arthur?

Arthur, who are you calling?

Vivian.

Would you mind answering that, please, Maude?

Yes, Arthur?

Is that you, Marty?

No, it's your aunt.

Well,

I'd like to speak to Vivian, please. Wait a minute. I'll see if she's here.

I don't want to talk to him. Come on, honey. He spent a dime on this call.

Hello?

Vivian?

Yes.

This is Arthur.

How are you?

Arthur, what do you want?

I don't know what's been bothering me, Vivian.

But believe me, it's not that I don't love you.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

I lost her. Arthur, we've been disconnected.

Well, if it's not that you don't love me, then what is the problem?

Vivian, have you got another dime?

Yes, here.

Wait a minute.

That's a 1911.

I'll use two nickels.

Blame the telephone company.

I'll be waiting in a minute. Arthur, what is it you're trying to tell me? Not

public, please. Oh, Arthur, for heaven's sake.

Vivian, will you answer the phone, please? I can't talk to two people at

Hello.

It's a much better connection, isn't it?

Arthur, listen.

I don't think you really do love me, so why don't we just call this whole thing

off right now? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Vivian, I do love you.

I love you like Romeo loved Juliet.

I feel like a kid of 16 again.

I'm tingling in places I haven't tingled in years.

Yes.

But, Arthur, that's exactly the way I feel.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes.

Oh, oh, oh, really?

Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, really? Well, then maybe the trouble was that... See, I wasn't sure that you

even tingled at all.

Sir, I tingle almost all the time.

We'd have one of those, you know, middle -aged marriages, and that you'd marry

for just sort of companionship, you know, and because you felt comfortable

me, and because you get kind of a chuckle out of my sly sense of humor.

Hello?

She hung up. It's all over.

Wrong. Not in public.

We're not teenagers, you know. Oh, shut up.

I think they're ready now.

We'd like a little music for the ceremony. Could you give us some wedding

please?

Mama, mama, mama, don't you ever... Hold

it, hold it! Knock it off!

No wonder kids don't get married anymore.

Something a little more...

Well, that's better.

Okay, your three minutes are up.

Walter, have you still got that ring handy? Right here, buddy.

Oh, good.

Dear friends and fellow passengers, we are gathered here in the sight

of God. Okay, folks, track fixed.

taking place here. These ski weekends are getting hairier and hairier.

Will you, Vivian, take this man, Arthur, to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I will.

And will you, Arthur, take this woman, Vivian, to be your lawfully wedded wife?

vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.