Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.

She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Everything

is

all set.

Will you shut up?

I mean, you're shushing too loud. More will hear you.

There's got to be absolute quiet, or it'll spoil the surprise party.

Shut up, Walter!

She heard. I knew it. Now the party is ruined.

No, Walter, it isn't. Don't get hysterical.

Walter doesn't know anybody's here.

But she heard the doorbell, Carol. She heard the barriers again.

Walter, I told you not to ring the bell.

No, you said I shouldn't knock.

Can I just see Arthur, Walter?

Yes, Walter. He just came over to... To borrow some garbage.

I've just got a new disposal. I want to see how it works.

Arthur, that's the most asinine excuse I ever heard.

I must say, I agree with Walter.

Thanks for the...

Never try to top a doctor when it comes to excuses.

We just had her birthday. Girl, what's she doing? She's upstairs getting

dressed. What thinks we're going to spend her birthday at the Cruptons?

Oh, hi, Cruptons.

Hi, Cruptons. Hi, Arthur.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, everybody's here.

I'll go up and bring Ward down.

Wait a minute, Walter.

We've got to have a signal.

Just before you bring Maude down, yell, uh, vaya con Dios.

What?

That's Spanish for go with God.

Why should I yell go with God in Spanish?

It would sound ridiculous if you yelled in English.

makeup and let's get out of here. Oh, Walter. Walter, at my age, why do I have

to have another birthday?

What?

Don't be depressed. You look beautiful.

I do, don't I?

I suppose, actually, I should be thrilled. I mean, here I am, 46. I don't

day over 41.

Sweetheart, you're 48.

And I don't look a day over 43.

What is that? That?

That must be Carol and Chris fooling around.

Carol! Is that you and Chris fooling around?

Yes, Walter.

That's me and Chris fooling around.

See? Well, I wish they'd fool around with each other and keep their hands off

crystal.

Oh, honey.

Listen, since it is my birthday, Walter, will you promise me something? Of

course we are. What?

Honey, tonight, for a change,

Will you talk to me? Will you stay with me? Will you devote all your attention

to me? Oh, no, Walter. Every time we go to a party, the men end up on one side

of the room and the women on the other.

Honey, tonight, talk to me.

Stay with me, Walter.

Okay, Maud. I won't move from your side all night.

Anything your little heart desires.

Walter, dear, I'd like to point out to you that it's not my heart.

I'm pointing things out, Maude. It's not little, either.

Maude!

Maude!

Maude,

why are you yelling like Daisy Arnaz getting a tooth pulled?

Uh, well, just in case Carol and Chris are fooling around downstairs.

If they're fooling around, they're not fooling around. They're deadly serious.

I warn you, Walter, I'm going to hold

you to your promise.

Now, if you go off with jerky George Crupton tonight...

George corrupted.

Happy birthday, Ma. Thank you. This is one of the nicest near surprises I've

ever had on a birthday.

I mean, what I wanted was to be with my family and my dearest and warmest and

closest friends.

I don't believe we've matched.

Ma, these are the Stilwells. Harriet and Harvey Stilwell.

as they were in town, I thought they might enjoy coming to the party. Oh,

welcome to my birthday party, Harriet and Harvey. Mother, mother, look, look.

Come on.

Look at all those presents.

Open this one first.

It's a little surprise from me to you, Marty. Thank you, Warren.

Oh, just what I've always wanted.

Geriatrics can be fun.

with a special introduction by Yule Gibbons.

Oh, I get it, Arthur. I'm to memorize every word in the book and then eat the

binder.

That's a good one, Bonnie.

Which reminds me. Hey, fellas, come here.

Did you hear what happened to the Italian girl swimmer that won at the

She became a streetwalker in Venice.

You get a streetwalker with a water wager.

Arthur, I heard...

And if you... Lord!

Walter! Walter, remember in the bedroom?

Bedroom. Are you kidding?

Oh, Lord.

The missus and I brought you a little something, too. Oh, well, thank you,

Harvey.

What is it? I love it. Look, a minicomputer.

Lord, you don't understand.

about minicomputers. It multiplies, divides, subtracts, adds, divides, and

numbers in the thousands all in a split second.

Thank you, Walter.

Now you can figure out how old you really are.

Thank you, Vivian, but I don't need a computer for that.

It's your age minus two.

I can use that to balance my bank statements. Oh, it's a great gadget for

businessman, Chris. Excuse me, sweetheart.

I mean, pull out any number you like, and I'll show you what this little

can really do.

Okay, um, 1 ,500 divided by 4 plus 785 divided by 5

minus 72.

There you go.

160, right?

Right.

Even if it's wrong, it sure is fast.

Walter, dear, excuse me, but may I see you in the kitchen?

Why? What's in the kitchen? All hell, Walter, and it's about to break loose.

This is the way you're going to stay by me during my birthday?

Oh, Maude. Walter, if you'd been in the army, you would have been shot for

desertion.

Maude, be reasonable. All I did was lead me after the first half minute.

Oh, come on, Maude. The one time that I... What time? You do this all the

Like the other night when we went to the movies with Arthur and Vivian.

You and Arthur sat together and Vivian and I sat behind you. When I sit with

Arthur, I get more popcorn.

That just shows how you've changed, Walter.

Before we were married and we went to the movies, your hands were everywhere

never in my popcorn.

Walter, let's not stand in here arguing. There's a party going on in there. Two

parties, Walter. One for the men and one for the women.

All right.

All...

for the rest of the evening, I will not move from your side.

I promise.

Thank you.

You know, honey, you may even learn to enjoy my company.

More again!

Here, Carol, honey, try one of these little green ones.

What's so special about the green ones? They're the ones we always have left

over.

She had an awful time that, you know, the baby was three weeks late.

Oh, she developed this awful pressure on her spleen.

Edith Paso, right?

Who else? And not only that, but while she was in the hospital, she got these

awful boils all over her bottom.

The size of bowling balls.

You know her, Walter.

I don't think I do.

Delicious. Well, it was worse than having the baby.

Well, Walter would know. Hey, Walter. What?

About the energy crisis, which uses the most energy?

An electric toothbrush or an electric clock?

A toothbrush uses seven watts an hour, a clock only two.

Maybe we'll have to start brushing our teeth with our clocks.

Anyway, she's all well again. I'm pregnant again.

I say the energy crisis is blown all out of proportion by the oil companies.

Arthur believes every word that they say.

Why should the oil companies lie? They've got all the money in the world.

Maybe they want to raise the price of gasoline.

The crisis is serious, Walter. Otherwise, the president wouldn't have

down his thermostat to 68 when he went down to Key Biscayne.

The tormentor was freezing down there.

But did he turn up his heat?

Of course not. He flew out to California.

Since you're so patriotic, how come you're still driving that big eight

-cylinder job?

Well, I have to. It's part of my image.

I mean, would you trust a surgeon that drove a Volkswagen?

What about your car? It's foreign. That's one of the reasons General Motors

going broke.

Arthur, Walter's car gets 20 to 22 miles to the gallon.

When it comes to automobiles, you're not too much of an authority.

Arthur, my car gets 20 to 22 miles to the gallon.

Parkway? It's at 27... Listen, you believe everything that comes out of

Washington. You know, I don't understand you, Walter. If you have no faith in

this government, why don't you go back where you came from?

I can't. I came from Washington.

pay any attention to me is to hang myself. I know this is a joke, but if

stool slips, you're going to ruin your facelift.

Believe me, both of you, this is no joke.

Walter, dear, look at me.

You get all your information from these conservative columnists.

Let's see. Queen kneels at the foot of the king.

Maud, the guests are all waiting.

Oh, you go, master.

I'll keep the incense burning up here in your house.

Maud, what do you want from me? You know what might be nice? A eunuch outside

the door.

Oh, come on, Walter. Don't bore yourself talking to me, a mere woman.

Look, when you desire my services, simply ring this bell.

One tinkle will suffice.

I'm not going to ring any silly bell.

Boy, this is going far enough.

How can you be this angry just because I had a little conversation with the

fellas?

Damn it, boy!

Would you like me on the dresser?

What? You listen to me.

Oh, Walter, I'm waiting.

You're my ding -dong daddy from Jupiter.

I'm crying out loud more so I talk to men at parties. Is that such a crime?

Oh, come on now. Walter, be honest.

Men love men and only tolerate women.

It's always been that way.

Hamlet said, I love thee, Horatio. He said, I love thee to all the men.

What did he say to the only woman in the crowd?

Get thee to a nunnery.

But for the last time, get thee down to our guests.

Okay, forget it. Once they appear soft like a child, I'm going to go

and enjoy a nice, warm, friendly conversation with people who know how to

like adults.

Come on down. The men and women are talking to each other.

Listen, everybody.

Maud's just not feeling very well and... Oh, what am I... Say, Mortfield's fine.

She's just sore and she doesn't want to come down.

Well, I don't blame her the way you men leave us women out of the conversation.

Oh, come off it, Carol. The only reason men prefer to talk to men is that, well,

let's face it, we don't see each other all week and we can talk to you women

old time.

I don't believe you said that, Arthur.

Arthur, the next time you want to test your garbage disposal, talk to it.

is we get Maude down here so she can enjoy her own surprise party.

I have got a terrific idea guaranteed to get Maude down here.

Now, we will all holler, fire!

Oh, come on, Arthur.

Come on, please, trust me. I guarantee it'll work.

Please, once, all together now.

One, two, three, fire!

We'll just never get it down here. Oh, no, Walter, listen, listen.

The one thing Mother can't stand is to be left out when people are having a

time. Now, if we all pretend like we're having fun, she'll come back. Walter,

listen to me. I know my mother.

I lived with her for 28 years. She can't resist joining in on the fun. That's

right. Why else would she have gotten married four times?

Listen, Walter, we've got to try it. We've tried everything else. What have

got to lose?

Well, let's try it. What have we got to lose?

George. Come here. You're a good laugher.

You've got a great laugh.

Stand over here and laugh up the stairs.

And keep it up until Maude gets down here.

But I can only laugh when something strikes me funny.

But if there's one thing she could never resist, it's the conga. Awesome.

You know something? You were right.

I was behaving like a child.

I don't like that. You fell for it.

Fell for it? You mean... You mean this was just

a cheap trick to get me down?

Okay.

It was a cheap trick to get you down here.

And I left you alone.

beautiful people. Truman Capote?

And who do you think left work two hours early and went through the rain and the

snow just to buy you a birthday gift I thought you might like?

And who do you... What am I saying?

I said I wouldn't leave your side and I blew it.

I really am sorry, sweetheart.

Oh, Walter, thank you. Thank you.

That's what I wanted to hear you say. Walter, the only thing in this world I

want is to be with you every minute.

Happy birthday, Maude.

Honey, let's open it together.

What did you get her, Maude? What did you get her?

asking such a stupid question.

Come, girls, look at this. Isn't it just like a memo?

They give us something that takes us one minute to put on and ten seconds for

them to take off. Well, for them, we're still just sex objects. Well, it's

exactly what I was telling you about that article.

Just think, in two more years you'll be half a century.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.