All language subtitles for maude_s02e17_the_wallet

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's
Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude. That'll

compromise and enterprise and anything
but tranquilize. Right on, Maude.

I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty.

I feel pretty and witty and fat.

All right, I'll be back in about ten
minutes.

What are you doing, catching up on the
latest fashions? Yeah.

The thing that really gets me is the
models in these ads.

A thousand dollars worth of dress draped
over ten pounds of woman.

I guess the editors of Vogue don't know
what most men know.

Where there is meat, there is heat.

If I was one of them Vogue models, I'd
be run out of time for deformation of

skinniness.

Florida, I'd be the first one to agree
with you that plump is beautiful.

But let's face it, you're never going to
make Lena Horne eat her heart out.

Yeah, but you can't stop a gal from
dreaming.

It's about time you got here. How do you
expect me to finish dinner so late? Oh,

don't worry about dinner. It'll be a
snap.

I bought a half pound of ground chuck
and three packages of hamburger helper.

Oh, Lord, I have 45 minutes to get to
Carl Haggerty's funeral.

To a funeral?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Send it to family? Oh, no. Nothing to be
sorry about.

It's nothing personal. He was a salesman
at my real estate office. This was a

business funeral.

A nice guy, though. Real go -getter.
Very big in raw land.

Now he'll be even bigger.

Did you bake the brownies?

Good. I'm going to take them to the wake
afterwards.

Everybody's bringing something.

Mrs. Haggerty gave me my choice of
brownies, fudge, or Irish coffee.

Father Monaghan has a sweet tooth and a
taste for the grape.

Sounds like a fun funeral.

Oh, by the way, Florida, there's a
wallet in there with the groceries. I

it in the parking lot.

Walter Gilmartin, 1329 Sunflower Lane.

Gilmartin? Gilmartin.

I know the Gilmartins. They joined our
club about five months ago.

She's that nearsighted, nervous little
lady with the pointed ears who looks

a depressed rabbit.

Yeah, I'd better call her and tell her I
have it. Honey, would you get the

number for me? I'm in a terrible hurry.

Oh, Florida.

Oh, have we been jogging? Jogging? I
wasn't jogging. I was running.

I'll bet we ran five miles.

How about it was six?

You only left here three minutes ago.

Six miles in three minutes.

Must be a world record.

Yeah, for telling little white lies.

What again, Arthur?

Lauren, is Maude home yet?

Yep, but not for long.

She's going to a funeral and they're
depending on her for the brownies.

I left it here when I changed into my
jogging clothes.

Oh. Oh.

Walter Gilmartin.

Walter Gilmartin? Isn't that the new
member of the club?

The one who's married to Bugs Bunny?

That's the guy.

Did you know he is one of the great
women chasers of all time?

Yeah. While Bugs Bunny's home nibbling
on her carrots, he's out sowing his

That scrawny little guy?

You'd be scrawny, too.

He doesn't even stop for meals.

the locker room made up a limerick about
him.

Remarkable fellow, Gil Martin.

From bedroom to bedroom, he's darting.

The claims that he claimeth would
startle Joe Namath.

His love life is quite far from Spartan.

Wow, he must be the world's greatest
lover.

Which brings up a rather interesting
question, Walter. What? What's his

doing in your house?

I'm having a mad, tempestuous affair
with a man.

Thank goodness. For a second, I thought
you were a pickpocket.

No, actually, I found it in Bohack's
parking lot.

Sweetheart, listen, why won't you come
with me to the Haggerty funeral?

I'm not hungry.

Besides, I never even met the...

When your business associate, George
Hayakawa, died, you insisted that I go

that funeral, and I've never met the man
either. That's different. I mean,

Hayakawa was important.

He was the wholesaler for all my
Japanese toasters. I know. I kept

to pop up during the eulogy.

Listen, honey, since you're not going to
the funeral, when Mrs. Gilmartin comes

by, see that she gets the wallet.

Mrs.

Gilmartin? You call his wife?

Wrong move, Marty.

Darn it, Maud. You had no business
calling his wife.

What? is this? I do a good deed, and
what do I get?

Abuse. Does this make me look depressed
enough?

Maude, don't you realize that a man's
wallet is one of those little private

corners of his life? He doesn't want
other people pouring through it. That is

right, Marty.

My late wife Agnes and I had an
understanding about that.

I kept my wallet on the nightstand.

She kept her things in the dresser
drawers.

Now, she never looked in my wallet, and
I never looked in her drawers.

You wouldn't care if I looked through
it. But I would.

Come on, now.

Now, this is all wrong. I mean, it's
perfect for a burial, but the fruit

go with the brownies.

Ward, it's a matter of principle. Would
you like me rummaging through your

purse? Oh, Walter, rummage, rummage. My
purse is an open book.

There's nothing in it I'm ashamed of,
nothing I'd want to hide from you. Oh,

come on, Lord, I don't want to go
rummaging through. What's this bill from

Bloomingdale? Don't change the subject.

You see, Marty, you didn't want Walter
to see it.

Well, maybe Mr.

Gilmartin has something in his wallet he
didn't want his wife to see. Come on,

Arthur, like what?

Well, we happen to have reason to
believe that Gilmartin may be, uh, well,

horsing around.

You know what I mean, Mark?

I always know what you mean, Arthur.
That's one of the problems we have in

communicating.

Now, you two are really something. Here
you are sounding off about privacy and

principle when all you really are are
two men who are sticking together to

protect another man who's cheating on
his wife.

Do you think this is too Protestant for
a Catholic funeral?

No, I think it's perfect.

It says, I care deeply, but I'm not a
relative.

Mark, I don't want you to be responsible
for breaking up Gilmartin's marriage.

So get over to the phone and call Mrs.

Gilmartin and stop her from coming over
here, and that's final.

Yeah, I hope they don't start that
funeral without me.

You see what happens when you put your
foot down?

Hello? Yeah, this is Maude again.

Yeah, I just heard the nicest thing
about your husband.

Remarkable fellow, Gilmartin. From
bedroom to bedroom, he starts... Maude!

like his legs were spindly.

Now, look. Mrs.

Gilmartin gets the wallet. The subject
is closed.

Florida, have you packed the brownies
yet?

I can't go to the funeral empty -handed.

Why are you singing? I'm covering for
you. Come on.

Hurry up.

I found something.

What? The Gilmartins live in New
Rochelle, right?

Yes. Get a load of this.

Here's a rental receipt for an apartment
in Manhattan made out to Walter Smith.

Wouldn't you think the guy could dream
up a better name than Smith?

Well, he's got other things on his mind.

I'll keep this and give it to him when I
see him.

Marty, we're going over to my place to
look at the football game. Fine.

Every man has something to hide. Not
necessarily.

I happen to believe very strongly in a
man's privacy.

Besides, Mort, everyone has something
he'd rather the rest of the world didn't

see. Have a nice funeral.

Every man has something he'd rather the
world... Oh, Florida!

Listen, honey, when Mrs. Gilmartin comes
by, her husband's wallet is right here

in the desk drawer.

Okay! And, uh... Listen, be very careful
because Mr. Finley's wallet is here,

too.

seen and not heard, or even better, not
seen and not heard.

Who's Walter Smith?

Wasn't he the one who dated Pocahontas?

That was John Smith. This is Walter. He
rents an apartment in Manhattan.

Walter Smith?

Carol, this is not what you're thinking,
and I resent your even letting it cross

your mind.

Stop it from crossing mine.

Carol. Carol, don't you know what this
means?

My husband is a philanderer.

A philanderer? A philanderer. A
philanderer. Oh, and they thought they

throw me off the scent. A remarkable
fellow, Gilmartin. From carton to

he's darting. And barton and bursting
and pritzing and banter and flash print.

Mother.

Will you not do this to yourself?

It must be some mistake. Walter is...
the most faithful husband in the world.

You'd better trust him.

Trust him?

Oh, please.

Don't over -dramatize this.

Me? Over -dramatize? Don't be silly,
Carol. I never over -dramatize.

But you're right.

There must be some mistake. Walter can't
possibly have rented an apartment in

Manhattan under an assumed name. There
must be some mistake.

And I'm going to find out who she is
right now.

Mother!

Me? Over -dramatized?

Wouldn't you know it, even her voice is
pretty.

party. The fifth... How the hell do I
know who it is? This is the first time

me.

Oh.

You aren't... You bet I am.

Oh. You better come in.

Please excuse me.

I was just getting ready.

For what?

house calls also.

Sit, sit, please sit.

It's so funny how you can look at an
unmade convertible sofa and your whole

passes in front of you.

Listen to me, miss, whatever your name
is.

always hated the name Norma.

Well, let me tell you something, toots.

There's something that I think you
should know about me.

I am not Joan Crawford coming to plead
with Sandra Dee to please leave Water

Pigeon alone.

I am not going to start gushing tears
and saying, oh, you're so young and

and you can have any man you want, so
please give me back my husband.

That's not my style.

I'm an old hand at this marriage
business.

So I'm going to give it to you straight.

Oh, Norma, you're so young and pretty.

You can have any man you want. Please
give me back my husband.

Do you know something?

If you put this much emotion into your
sex life, you wouldn't be...

shakes anyway.

Oh,

that's sick.

That is really sick.

I mean, knocking the man you share.

Listen, you may be a flashy blonde
brunette and redhead.

you i was frigid no i mean i mean there
has been that problem with this trick me

i swear to you i give that man

more love oh i'm sure you do oh i know

Yes, Norman.

Pretty names.

Come on, now, Norma, dear, chin up.

Dry those pretty glasses.

And don't you worry about Walter.

Fate will get even with Walter.

That's me, Fate.

Now, Norma, dear, you be strong, because
believe me, I am going to take care of

Walter. for both of us.

Thank you. Thank you, Mrs.

Gilmartin.

And to think I gave up a funeral for...

Walter, beat me.

Beat me.

Beat me with the umbrella.

Don't be ridiculous, Ward.

I mean, what if it breaks and it rains
tomorrow?

Walter, I come to you for punishment and
what do you give me, a quip?

I mean, isn't there enough humor in this
world already?

Oh, Walter, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But,
Walter, I am so riddled with guilt.

I've been wandering around all day
wondering how to tell you what I did.

I even stopped him at the funeral.

I had three Irish coffees and confessed
twice to Father Monaghan.

He loves my hat.

Look, Walter. Shut up, Walter, and let
me confess.

A receipt for Walter Gilmartin's
apartment dropped out of your wallet.

Walter, I looked at it. Oh, I'm so
ashamed.

confronted the girl darling darling
darling we all make mistakes the

thing is that we learn from our lesson
oh oh Walter Walter you're so

understanding well I like to think so
that's why when Carol told me what you

that you went into town well

Lesson? What lesson, Mort?

Well, that a woman should never look
through her husband's wallet because

certain to find something that'll wreck
their marriage.

You think you learned your lesson? Oh,
you didn't learn anything at all.

I was talking about a man's privacy,
about everybody's right to privacy.

Here!

It's just a piece of leather. I can turn
it inside out, upside down. It's still

just a piece of leather.

Keep your hands out of that secret
compartment!

Too late, Findlay.

A lipstick print?

Signed Jane Russell?

And very important to me.

I was at the stage door canteen the
night before they shipped me out to New

Jersey.

I was 21 and a Hollywood movie star

put a lipstick print on my cocktail
doily.

And at first I kept it because I loved
her. I wanted her.

And then later, it just sort of became a
good luck charm.

I couldn't throw it away.

I'd buy a new wallet and stick Jane
Russell's lips in it.

Lord, promise me you won't tell anybody.

Oh, sweetheart.

Look, I promise I won't tell anybody
about this if you don't tell anybody

this.

You know the little star I have here?

Yeah, from the firecracker.

Billy Goodfield.

Who?

It's a private corner of my world.

Walter, I was 16 and Billy and I were
dancing at the Totem Pole

Lodge in Nuremberg Lake in Newton,
Massachusetts.

Vaughn Monroe and his orchestra were
there.

started reaching for the moon.

He tried to kiss me in the middle of a
dip.

He flipped and his braces caught right
here.

It

wasn't

a firecracker.

It was Billy Hickey. I mean...

Sweetheart, it's very embarrassing.

I mean, it's childish and it's stupid
and it's silly.

Well, you could have told that to me.

Well, why didn't you tell me about this?

Because that's very personal.

But this is very personal to me, too,
Walter. How do you compare a kid with

pimples and braces to a Hollywood...

When they delivered it, he wasn't home,
so they left it here.

For Arthur?

Yeah, and I happen to know there's
something very personal in it, so I

want you to look into it.

Oh, honey, are you kidding?

After what happened to me yesterday,
believe me, I wouldn't look into that

for all the tea in China.

Not for all the tea in China.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.